Crunch Time (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Party of the Century

1 Oh, what's up, guys? Hello, Sam.
Hi.
You're looking pretty fresh, Sam.
Hannah: Are you Wearing cologne? They gave me a little bag with some sample packs of different products.
- Oh.
That's nice.
- Yeah.
- Just different, small Okay.
- Connor: Stop talking.
They got this face cream Feels feels good.
It feels like it's really moisturizing.
What the fuck did you tell them? I You know I don't like talking to you.
- We know, sir.
- Okay then, why am I talking to you? - Sir, there's a situation, and - No, stop.
Situation.
I don't want to know about situations.
Sir, with all due respect, putting your head in the sand is not - going to - Head in the sand? Mullins, you need to get your head out of your ass! You do not exist.
Your Jekyll and Hyde science facility does not exist.
So for fuck's sake, make sure your situation doesn't exist.
You ready to let me kick things up a notch? Make the call.
So, let me get this straight.
They gave you a bath and cologne, but all they keep giving me is shit burgers? You got shit burgers too? Yeah, we're all just getting shit burgers.
If there's some weird shit cook doing the Iron Chef doo doo challenge! - What did you tell them, Sam? - Nothing.
Okay, don't you see whats happening here? They're trying to turn us against each other.
I didn't give them anything.
[Door opens] Sam gave us the address to your warehouse.
- I fucking knew it, Sam! - [Hushed] You said you wouldn't tell.
Well that's before I found 13 innocent people barely clinging onto life in that freak show crack den of yours.
Well least they're alive.
- Shut up! - Hannah: Oh.
- Now, you've been lying to us.
- Just come clean.
And we don't want to hear any more stories - about Sam shitting his pants.
- Never happened.
- Or Berkman's missing dick? - I told you that in confidence.
We want to know how in the fuck you created that goddamn hole.
Okay.
Here's the thing and I know this isn't what you want to hear.
But we honestly don't know.
- Bullshit.
- You have 30 minutes to tell us about the rift.
It's your last chance.
What happens after 30 minutes? Agent Hobbs has just put a call in to our best interrogator.
You see, he's [Inhales deeply] Broke the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Isis And he will break you if you don't start spilling.
Clock's ticking.
Tick.
Tock.
Tick.
Tock.
Mullins: So Party of the century.
What happened? Look we tried to invite you guys, we really did, but the e-vite must have gotten caught in your spam folder, and Stop antagonizing them.
[Scoffs] I don't know how to stop anything.
It's actually a problem.
Listen to your girlfriend, Berkman.
- I'm not his girlfriend.
- She's not his girlfriend.
Shut up! Just shut up! Want to know what I think? I think you guys know exactly what's going on.
I think you're playing dumb.
I think you know how the rift happened, and I think it all comes back to this party.
Now, you got 25 minutes, and if you don't tell me about this hole, and about the party, and how it all connects then I swear to God, you will be praying praying for shit burgers and broken noses.
So who wants to dance first? I guess for me, it started just a few days before my birthday.
Unreal, dudes.
That was like a movie.
A really good movie that I was in! I'm super into mash-ups right now, so I was trying to bring you to Citizen Kane with Boondock Saints.
We're so happy you're satisfied.
Yeah, do you think I could get in a few buddies for next week? Yeah, we're happy to schedule your friends some time.
Hey, Sam, get the calendar out.
Uh, no, I mean like all together.
- Oh, we don't do that, so - What he means is we don't do Discover.
Is that a oh, that's a MasterCard, great.
So, what were you saying about getting your friends in here? Yeah, I have a lot of buddies who'd pay top dollar to get in here all at the same time.
All at the same time.
Yeah, it's like next level party.
Oh, of course.
Uh, what about next Saturday? Ya, I think I could make that work.
Um, but because of the extra - neural capacitors and shit - Oh I don't want to bore you with it.
We're gonna have to charge a little bit extra.
- Yeah, it is.
It's like $2,500 extra - Mm-hmm.
- per person.
- Yeah.
My gosh, that's like 10k for party.
Yeah, but it's like next level of partying, so Well, yeah, I mean, uh, my my buddy Devon, he's like a trust fund kid and totally rich, dude.
- Yeah.
- Uh, so I'll see you next Saturday! - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Do you think you can bring some girls too? Devon will pay for their entrance fee.
He has very low self esteem.
Yeah, I know, um, so many girls.
So - Okay! Fantastic! - Berkman: Great! Great.
So, Sam, get him on the calendar for Saturday! - Berkman: Yeah! - Hop to it! Todd, I will see you out.
Oh, it's Taj.
The D's are silent.
Hannah: I'm sorry.
How culturally insensitive.
- Oh, my God! - Okay.
That was great.
- That was crazy! - You were good.
You were amazing.
- That was unbelievable.
You were good.
- How did you do that? - Berkman: I didn't do anything, - I was just following your lead.
- Hannah: I just said the 2500, like, I don't even know how I came up with it.
I just - - Connor: Your birthday?! Sam, you were turning 28, I can't think of a less consequential age.
More inconsequential.
- What? - Not more - inconsequential.
That's redundant.
- More inconsequential.
Yeah, - No less consequential's right.
- more inconsequential.
It's the most - inconsequential thing.
- No one says What I said was grammatically correct.
[All talking over one another] - I'm gonna to learn guitar this year.
- Shut up! Just shut up! Shut up.
Back to the story! French kiss then from both sides of their head.
- And, and confetti, confetti Sp - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
- spurts out.
- Okay, ah, guys? It all sounds really cool but I think you might be forgetting something else that's already happening on that day? - Like what? - Yeah.
Nothing else special happens on Saturday.
Okay? You you're screwing with me, I get it okay.
You know.
- Know what, Sam? - - Hey, - Oh the Pillsbury Doughbaby is home a little early, huh? Yeah, my fencing instructor went back to rehab.
What is this? This is the future of our company.
We have a client who wants to have a party next Saturday.
And he would like to hook up all of his friends at once.
[Laughing] No.
No, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.
Guys, the brain frame is maxed out at three participants plus one host.
He will pay us $2,500 per person.
And he's got six people already lined up, ready to go.
Mm, no, no, no.
Can't do it.
The science says it cannot be done, so, uh, gotta cancel.
Do something else that night.
- Well, maybe it it it could work.
- What? If we could find a host with a neural capacity capable of - handling such an increased load - Connor, just cut the bullshit.
We would need to find someone With a brain that was, for lack of a better word, empty.
- Empty? - Vacuous.
Void.
Vacant.
No thought.
Well, I do have a great uncle who's in a vegetative state.
- No, no, no.
That won't work.
- Oh, God! We need to find someone with a healthy brain, uh, innocent, - child-like.
- I got an 11-year-old niece, - but, she's kind of a dick.
- [Sighs] Oh, right no, I'm actually way ahead of you on this.
I didn't want to say anything before, but I've had this idea for a while now.
Wow! So you're gonna steal my ide our idea right in front of us.
It's not stealing, Berkman.
Okay? It is just the next logical step in this technology.
Before we go global.
- Global? - Global! And I've been prepping a subject just for this in earnest.
What? Who? Guys? I can't find Mr.
Peanuts Just kidding, he's right here in my backpack! For a double dose of cuteness.
Me and him.
[Chuckles] You should have seen your guys faces'.
- I Burn Noticed you.
- Larry.
It's time.
Wait, for what? For [Hushed] for the thing we talked about.
Oh yeah.
It's time.
That's why you kept Larry around.
Sam made sense, 'cause of his access to money and his father's clout.
Berkman and Hannah had somewhat raw skill sets, and a lack of a moral center, but Larry Was plastic.
Sure, all of my brilliant ideas that he touched turned to shit, But his brain was Malleable.
And like all weak-minded people, all he ever wanted was to be included.
Okay guys, we've only got five days, so we need to completely.
cleanse Larry's brain power.
Let me just say, guys, I, um, I feel truly honored - to be a part of You got it.
- Shut the fuck up, Larry.
Every one of you has important roles to play here.
Berkman, I need you upping his brain's fantasy quotient.
I want to give people a good show.
Keeping in mind, your version of fantasy is very different than his.
- - [Laughing] Oh, my God, a baby elephant! Hannah, I need you to do an extensive psych eval.
We need to find out what his fears, triggers, and darkest secrets might be.
Puppy in a windmill.
Great.
- Pfft! Easy, a pup wearing a silly hat.
- Okay.
Oh, my mom didn't love me.
What? A puppy under a waterfall! Look at him gettin' all wet! That is a that's a puppy under a water I'll be sending a brain wave readout after each and every test.
But remember.
you can't increase the load.
We're pushing the boundaries far enough as is.
- So don't tell anyone else about this.
- Yeah, of course.
I'm talking, like, you can do anything - you want in there.
Like, what is your - Yeah - greatest, like, craziest desire? - yeah.
I just always thought about, like, a spider, but then he'd be grabbing - my boobs from behind.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Imagine your dick is so big, you can do cocaine off the tip of your own dick.
You like cocaine? Wait, what about me? You are - going to be the navigator.
- What? Well, um, it's a very important job.
You know, Larry can't do it, so I need someone else I can trust So, uh, you're telling me I gotta be out here watching the computers while you guys are in there partying with uh - unicorns and and rainbows - No! No, no, no, no.
Nothing like that.
You you you have critical things to do out here.
You have to, um you have to monitor our theta waves.
You have to check our vitals.
Um Uh, I I don't know, watching a party can be fun too, right? But But it was my birthday.
You know, they they threw the party of the century.
And they didn't even invite me.
Wait, Sam.
Hey.
Come on, don't leave.
We'll we'll do something fun on Sunday.
No, Hannah, it's not about the day, okay? Don't you see? I I am I'm useless here.
You guys would be better without me.
That's not true.
Don't say that.
I'm sick of doing all the shitty work.
Okay, maybe you've found your life's purpose here and that's fantastic for you, but like This is, it's just a big reminder of what I will never have.
Which is [mouths "what"] [Laugh ruefully] You.
I [Car door opening and closing] [Sighs] [Phone ringing] M.
W.
Energy, where the world's energy is sold.
How may I help you? Hi, um, may I speak to Montgomery, please? I'm sorry, he's in a very important meeting right now may I ask who's calling? - It's Sam.
- Sam.
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.
Uh, I'm sorry, I don't see a Sam here.
- His his son.
Sam.
- Oh! His son.
Of course.
Ah, one moment please.
So I say, "Mr.
Prime Minister, your mistress may be gorgeous" but your economy is ugly as fuck.
" [Laughing] That's a great story, Monty.
I know, that's why I told it.
[Laughing] Phone call, Mr.
Wittington.
Call me "Mister" again, and I'll break your nose with my Nobel prize.
- Pardon? - I'm a doctor, fuck face.
Montgomery here.
Dr.
Wittington, I have Sam on the line for you.
What, Linda's divorce lawyer? I already told that prick if he wants another dollar, he can find it buried up Satan's ass.
No.
Sam Wittington.
Your son? Samuel? We don't have a call scheduled for today, do we? No, sir.
Okay, B.
We knew this day would come.
Email me that script of culturally appropriate things to say when your son comes out of the closet.
I'm about to be secretary of energy.
I can't be trapped in the dark ages.
I think he just wants to speak to his father.
Okay, put him through.
Samuel.
What is it? Hey, dad.
Uh Just turned midnight.
Terrific.
It just turned it just turned midnight.
It's April 9th now.
Sam, I'm in New Zealand at an energy summit.
It's been April 9th for 19 hours.
Did you call to discuss the time zones? No sir.
Did you have a pressing matter of business? No, sir, I guess not.
- Did you kill a prostitute? - What? No.
I'm picking up hesitation, Sam.
Look, Dad, it's a weird question.
Okay - Beatrice? - Yes sir? Email Roger the notes from this call, and setup another call between Samuel and myself for 3 weeks so we can discuss this matter further.
- Will do, Dr.
Wittington.
- Samuel, I've gotta go.
Yeah.
Okay.
Bye.
Okay, Sam, what's your avail like on the 24th? I see I have a 12:15, a 3:45, a 6 o'clock - [Scoffs] Fuck off.
- an 8 o'clock.
- John.
It's M.
- Sure.
I want you to put a tail of Samuel.
I want to know what he's up to.
- [Indistinct on far end of phone] - No, no.
Not the lawyer.
My son.
We already have a tail on the lawyer.
- [Phone beeps] - [Exhales deeply] Little matter of business.
[Gasps] - Somebody's birthday? - Oh shit.
This was supposed to be a surprise.
How'd you know I'd come back? [Laughs] Educated guess.
[Only slightly hushed] Based on past behavior and a rigorous psych veal.
Glad to know you care.
What what is all the I thought it was gonna be six people.
Oh.
Hannah and Berkman got a little carried away.
How much did they raise the price? Double.
We're gonna make, like, 50 grand today.
- Hey, take a look at this thing.
- What do ya got? Think of it as a, uh, virtual reality periscope into the brain frame.
Okay.
So, wait, like I can go inside? No.
You can peek inside.
In case anybody's vitals spike, this will give us an idea as to whether or not it was just a quick glitch, or a serious problem.
It's still got some kinks - I need to work out.
- Uh-huh.
It's running on a slight delay, and it only streams in 10 to 15 second intervals, but still So, theoretically, I could go into the party for a bit.
Absolutely not.
This is for emergencies only.
Like, birthday emergencies.
No.
Now, if there were a real problem - Mm-hmm.
- you would select the dreamer here, - and then you push control-shift-F9.
- - Control-shift-F9.
- And that will wake the user up - slowly and safely.
- [Door opens] - No, you can't hold your breath - I swear.
Yes, I can.
- for six minutes.
I mean - Do you wanna bet?! Oh, hey! You're back.
It's okay, guys.
He knows about the surprise party.
Well, I was gonna get you Zima, but they were out, so I got you that Hef you like.
- Welcome back, birthday boy.
- Thanks, man.
Sam.
Are you good with all this? Ya.
I got it.
He did not.
Fucking.
Get it.
- - Well, I heard a lot of talk Of that thing that you can do You think nobody else can do it half as good as you But it take two to boogaloo And I can't do it alone, ugh! Are you ready Are you ready Are you ready Well, come on! Yeah, ugh! Let's get on boogie tonight Come on Let's get on with it Come on now Hello.
Hello? Who's there? [Echoing whisper] It is I.
It is you.
Together.
We are one.
[Electronic music playing] Ladies and gentlemen DJ Larry is about to make all your dreams come! Let me hear that motherfucking needle drop! [Squelching noises] [Squelching noises continue] [Squelching from game] - - I love cotton candy! Come on, stick to me! - - [Cackling laughter] - [Horse whinnying] - [Bizarre rooster crow] [Gas match flicking] [Gas match flicking] - Yo, DJ Van Dien.
- What up, Larry? Drop me another sick-ass beat! Come on, you ants, you wanna dance forever?! [Music becomes muted] Hey, do you wanna go somewhere else? What, this magical dream rave is too boring for you? - It's kinda weird.
Come on.
- [Laughing] Uh-huh.
Okay.
[Keyboard clacking] What? Woman: Ugh! Berkman: So cool [Chuckling] What's this one? - Berkman: You can go in.
After you.
- No.
You go first.
I don't I'll go in to make sure it's safe.
[Mellow groove music playing] Yeah, I sort of come out here to think.
- Clear my head a little bit.
Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- And have orgies.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Couple of orgies.
[Laughs] Ah, except it's kind of hard when you seem to be missing the most important part every time.
Oh, right.
Oh, God, Freud would have a field day with you.
Well, Freud's a German pervert.
Oh, Austrian actually.
Definitely a pervert.
Kind of a dick, too.
Oh is that sensitive? - Yeah, Hannah, come on.
Please don't.
- [Laughs] [Both chuckle] I think we make a really good team.
Hannah: Yeah.
I think so too.
[Nervous chuckle] [Growls and pants] What? Control, Shift, F, 9.
- [Beeping] - Control, Shift, F, 9! What? - [Muttering] Control, Shift, F, 9 - [Beeping continues] - Come on! - [Beeping intensifying] - [Rapid beeping] - Control, Shift, F, 9! Not F and 9! F9! It's one key.
Well, someone should have clarified that.
Well, you shouldn't have been snooping.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have fucked Berkman.
- I did not fuck Berkman! - I saw you! - You didn't.
- No, Sam.
I stopped it.
- [Scoffs] - She stopped it.
- I'm sorry.
No, I shouldn't have.
- No It's okay.
Um This is gonna sound kind of strange, but I actually think you're a halfway decent guy.
Well, you know, nobody's ever said that about me.
You are.
You're smart, and reliable, and - Patient.
- and patient.
- Generous.
- Generous? - Humble.
- So many things.
We just, we have a good thing going on, and I don't wanna ruin it by getting involved with someone.
Yeah.
No.
We Wow, that's so I was gonna say that.
I can't even believe that you kissed me back.
- Yeah, no.
I didn't.
- I I do I think that we do make a great business partnership.
And, I I really do, you know, value you.
You gotta even just saying that I feel like I'm starting to lactate.
What, did I say something stupid? No your nose.
- Argh! What the fuck?! - You son of a bitch! - [Groans] - Berkman: Get! Berkman: Fuck! - Berkman? - Stop it! I know krav maga! - How could you on my birthday?! - No, you don't understand! Fuck you! - Ugh! - [Arcing] Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, his helmet! [System powering down] [System whirs back up] [Crowd cheers] Oh, shit, shit! Connor: Guys, what the hell is going on up there? We got a problem.
- Larry's vitals are going haywire.
- - Connor: What did you do? - He just got disconnected for one second.
Holy shit, Connor! Connor! Woman: Aww! Connor, what's happening? - The power went out.
- God, you must've blown the breaker.
- We're running on backup battery.
- Backup battery? Is is that good? That's good that we have a backup battery, right? No, that's bad! Very bad! - We only have 13 minutes of power left! - What happens then? Then you stir fry the brains of 15 fucking people! Oh no So, is the party over? [Music glitching] [Crazy chuckling] [Horse roaring] Sam, what's happening to Larry? Hey, Larry! Uh, Connor? Connor?! Berkman? [Music glitching] - Holy shit.
- [Knocking] [Knocking] Uh oh.
Looks like the sick son of a bitch is early.
Come on in.
Hey, hey, hey, everybody! [Door closes] Woo! Four! Fun.
So.
how's everybody doing today? - All but Berkman: Not good.
Terrible.
- All right, I guess, considering.
Well, I am really, really sorry to hear that.
And I wish I could tell ya it's gonna get better from here [Knife blades zing and clatter] but it's not.
Nope.
You guys are fuuuuuuucked.
- [Crunch] - [Blade zings]