CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Episode Scripts

N/A - Take My Life, Please!

I'll tell you why.
It's my mom's fault I'm still single.
What do you mean, it's your mom's fault? She hates every girl I bring home.
Listen, you little nuck-nuck, Some girls you just don't bring home to mom.
For instance, if a girl's ever told you to hurry up Before somebody takes her corner, That's not a girl you take home to mom.
And you say to a girl you're gonna take her To a football game, and at the halftime, The band comes on the field And-and spells out her phone number.
That's not a girl you take home to mom.
No, you don't take her home to mom.
Right.
Now if you find a girl Who thinks shooting the breeze Means wearing a mini- skirt without undies, Oh-ho, don't take her home to mom.
Take her home to dad.
And if her tattoos, her tattoos are misspelled, Man, oh, man, you don't try to bring That You-you You-you don't try You don't-you don't Oh! Am I running this through the shredder.
What is Uh "you don't take her home.
" This is funny stuff, ladies.
were peeing themselves In the tv room.
saying the right lines.
I'm distracted by these lovelies.
They probably all got boyfriends, husbands.
And you, You got that beautiful wife, your terpsie.
I got nobody, knuckles.
Never did.
Nobody loves me.
I love you.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Everybody loves knuckles.
Nobody loves nash.
Ten minutes.
Ten minutes! Ten minutes, girls.
See you at the party.
Ten minutes, mr.
Nash! Mr.
Nash? It's me-- bingo.
Is everything okay? It was the rat pack at the sands in '62, Elvis at the hilton in '69, And knuckles & nash at the rampart in '74.
This was supposed To be their first reunion in 30 years.
And I bet you had a ticket.
Saturday night, front row.
What's the story, doc? No obvious trauma.
Jaw's slack, dead no more than two hours.
Could be a natural.
Blemishes, Enlarged blood vessels on his skin.
It's consistent with long-term alcohol abuse.
Legend is, nash was such a boozer, Pd kept a cell waiting for him every time they played town.
What do you think? Open bottle of vodka, used glass.
One last drink? One last laugh.
# who Are you? # # who, who, who, who? # # who Are you? # # who, who, who, who? # # I really wanna know # # who Are you? # # oh-oh-oh # # who # # come on, tell me who are you, you, you # # are you! # Hey.
So, a sanitation department worker Noticed the tarp when he was making a pickup.
Nobody's laid a finger on it.
Let's take a look.
Ooh Human swiss cheese.
Holy! Man! Hands blown off, Feet blown off.
With what? Bazooka? Well, that might not be an exaggeration.
If holey man was shot here, We'd have more evidence of it, not to mention Someone in the neighborhood would've heard.
We'll canvass the block.
There's white trace On the body as well as the tarp.
You usually see This level of violence down around the border.
Could be spillover from mexico.
We're definitely in gangland.
This is how cartels kill people.
I.
D.
-Less, no face, no hands.
I'm assuming no wallet.
Nothing.
Gun on him.
Gun in him.
When a man is dead, a man is dead.
Why keep killing him? Either you're very angry Or you're having too much fun to stop.
Tox just came in for bernie nash.
Bac was .
11.
He had a reputation as a gold-medal drinker.
How's this for a chaser? Henry also found higher than therapeutic levels of oxycodone.
Really? Well, you know, if he'd just been drinking, I would think he died of natural causes.
I mean, he was an old comic Facing an audience after decades.
You add in the drugs So he over-medicated? It wouldn't surprise me.
I, uh, I need to roll him here.
Bruises and abrasions.
Appear to be perimortem.
Yeah, alcohol abusers bruise easily.
There's some trace in these scratches.
Gold flecks.
He had a whole lot of party going on.
Those are love scratches.
It appears old bernie wasn't alone when he died.
Well, bernie had the most creative comic mind In the business.
Brilliant, really was.
He was my friend for 40 years, Partner, brother I never had, you know? I was nothing without him.
I-I was just this hippie comic With a dirty t-shirt telling bad jokes, Getting no laughs.
And all of a sudden, bernie sees the act And says, "hey.
Hmm?" So he gets me a haircut, tuxedo, Puts me on his left side, bang, we're big stars.
You know the stage manager- bingo? Uh-huh.
He said that you rehearsed up till 4:00 p.
M.
Is that right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, we did.
Uh, but look, if you haven't got a pulse by now, I'm gonna be doing a double with bernie Over at forest lawn, all right? Huh? Uh, did mr.
Nash appear ill at any time? He was a nervous wreck Every rehearsal this week.
Yeah, yeah, well, You know, it takes a whileto get Your stage legs back under you after 30 years.
Oh, sure.
Come on in, greg.
This is CSI sanders.
He may have A few questions.
Huh? Did you see mr.
Nash after the rehearsal? No, no, he wanted To, uh, take a nap, so he went back to his room.
Which is french for " hoisting a couple.
" uh, sweetheart, I'll-I'll handle this.
Right.
A lot of comics will knock one back Before the show, you know, kinda relax 'em.
Excuse me, captain, but Wasn't it his drinking that broke up the act? Yeah.
How could you possibly know that? That-that was before you were even born.
Hey, look, We were a couple of poor kids Who made a pile of money, But bernie didn't have any time to play with it, So, huh-huh, he quits.
Was it amicable? I thought I was through, you know? As it turned out, it opened some other doors.
I did tv shows.
Two hit tv shows I had.
Very successful.
And I-I did, uh, movies.
Had movies.
And mr.
Nash? He-he played with his money, yeah.
Racehorses, real estate, women.
Pretty soon, he's busted again, So he needed a comeback.
He asked me Begged you.
Begged Begged you.
And, uh, How could I say no? We believe that someone was with him when he died.
Oh? A woman.
A woman.
Aha, ha, ha Yeah, those-those are good.
Cherchez la Showgirl-- that's-that's french.
Do you have a name? Did he ever get a name? No, no, but Good for bernie.
Went out with his shorts down.
97, 98, Over 100 bullet holes, and still counting.
I take it that's why Catherine kicked me over to help.
There are bullet holes on top of bullet holes.
There are bullet holes through bullet holes.
Plenty of bullets in his body, And one bullet in his mouth.
Fast-track that frag to ballistics.
Looks like he left us some kind of I.
D.
Kurtis torse.
Ten most wanted list.
I know him.
He blew up an abortion clinic in seattle last year.
This was a dangerous man.
He's been on the run for a year.
That's a long time.
It's not every day You get a hit on a top-tener.
Yes, but who got him? Hey, doc.
I left you a breakfast burrito In the other fridge.
Thanks.
So is that another picture For your death-styles of the rich and famous book? The death of bernie nash Is a book-worthy mystery of its own, my boy.
A locked dressing room mystery.
So you're saying he did not die of natural causes? Nothing natural about it.
I found a fair amount Of fluid in his pharynx-- Suggested laryngospasm.
His esophageal sphincter closed off the pathway.
He couldn't swallow or breathe.
Take a look at the lungs.
Pulmonary edema is the body's response To heart failure when he stopped breathing.
But there's one more thing-- I aspirated this fluid from the sphenoid sinuses.
They were full of it.
Pulmonary edema, laryngospasm, His pharynx and sinuses were filled with fluid? Are you trying to tell me this guy drowned? That's exactly what it looked like.
At least from where I'm standing.
The closest body of water was a toilet 12 feet away.
Told you it was a great mystery.
Mrs.
Torse, when was the last time you saw your husband? Does it matter? He's dead.
Whoever killed him did you a favor.
We prefer to find our suspects alive.
Well, that wasn't gonna happen.
He's too smart.
Think about it.
He got all the way from seattle to las vegas on foot, And no one heard a peep.
Did he ever contact you? Mrs.
Torse: Feds had my phones tapped and two guys on my tail.
You know he didn't.
The day the police found out Kurt did the bombing Was the last day I saw him.
He just walked out the front door and he didn't look back.
I know you have two children.
It's hard to not look back at them.
No secret visits? Kurt's beliefs meant more to him than his family.
Kurt always talked about going off the grid some day.
How going out in public, Taking the bus, driving a car Could get him got.
Any idea who got him? How do I know you cops didn't? How do I know you didn't? They all had families.
They all wanted Kurt dead.
They want me dead.
So why don't you start harassing them? Why don't you start giving me names? Got no names.
Sorry.
I just I'd just catch them following me around.
They even called the house.
I take phone numbers, too.
I don't call people who are trying to kill me.
Well, once you give me your phone records, I can do that for you.
Porcupine man.
It's like he was stuck on a spit And put in front of a firing squad.
C.
O.
D.
Was gsws To the everything.
Robbins found these in the body at autopsy.
.
50 calibers, .
30-06's, nine millimeters.
Lucky for us he left us an eye.
Vitreous potassium puts T.
O.
D.
At one to four hours before you found him.
All right, that's between midnight and 3:00 a.
M.
David counted 127 bullet holes-- You know, at first I thought that was gsr From close shots, but histo revealed that they were singed.
Tracers or incendiary rounds Could cause this kind of burning.
When I was a kid, my dad and his army buddies Would get drunk and fire tracer rounds at night on the base, Tell me they were fireworks.
And they are a kind of firework.
Tracers are modified with a pyrotechnic charge In the base.
Thereby allowing the machine gun shooter To correct his aim Vis-à-vis the target.
But incendiaries and tracers Are designed for use on the battlefield.
Fully automatic firearms and surplus ammo Are pretty widely available in nevada.
They're illegally sold to recreational shooters.
For target practice.
He certainly looks like a human target.
It's hard to get a hair in your throat without intimate contact.
But I guess you're never too old.
Especially with the blue pill.
Heck, I know guys my age who are using it.
Guys who, you know, need the boost.
Other guys.
Take a look.
The pigment of most hair is Concentrated on the outer edges of the cuticle.
Only red hair has a central concentration of pigment like that.
So, cherchez la redheaded showgirl.
I really appreciate you volunteering to do this.
Yeah, the only other thing we had to do today was file for unemployment.
Well, I just need A few hair samples from each of you.
Well, the drapes are hanging but the carpet's brazilian.
Uh A few from your head should do it.
So did you see mr.
Nash after rehearsal? We hightailed it out of there Before he and knuckles got offstage.
Showgirls-- we're moving targets to bernie nash.
What about knuckles? Oh, he'll corner you, too, if he gets the chance.
Bettina darling, Well, looking mighty fine.
Say, how'd you like to play A little king kong? You know, I'll be the gorilla, You be the empire state building.
Knuckles! Whoa.
Cheese it, the wife.
What are you doing without your pants? I, mm, uh Oh! Uh, well, actually, I was doing pretty good till you showed up.
All knuckles forces on you is jokes.
Until his wife yanks the leash.
So those bullet frags from torse's mouth Came from a lead- free frangible, Composed of sintered copper, Meant to disintegrate on impact, Which is why frangibles are used in shooting ranges.
Maybe kurtis torse was killed at a range.
Shot with multiple calibers Means lots of different guns.
And vegas has the least restrictive gun laws in the country.
I mean, anyone with a valid I.
D.
Can shoot a machine gun In an indoor range.
I'll have brass pass his photo around.
Wait, hang on.
I can save him some shoe leather.
Come here.
So your brand of frangible is crate city arsenal.
Now, unless the killer ordered them online, There's only one shooting range in town that has those.
And I'm pretty certain you've heard of it.
I have only been to pd's shooting range.
The tourists in town are ditching manilow to shoot at this place.
The ads are everywhere.
Oh, come on.
Now, you had to have seen this.
Hey, lady, grab a blast away coupon.
Woman Come on in, folks! Come on in and experience the thrill of freedom! Exercise your second amendment right And experience what real freedom feels like.
Come on in, folks.
Come right now.
And ladies, first 50 rounds are free.
Biz license, f.
F.
L.
, Proof of secure gun storage, class-3 license.
This is not an enforcement check.
Do you recognize him? A thousand people come through here every day.
Yes, but this man was murdered.
Uh I didn't make eight mill last year Because I kill people.
Do you see those big-ass dudes? Anyone tries anything, One of them takes care of it.
We found a crate city bullet Where his two front teeth used to be.
You are the only place In town that sells those.
I don't sell bullets.
Ammo's included with the rentals.
Nothing comes in or out of this place Without me knowing.
We'd like to take a look At your surveillance video.
We'd also like to take a look around.
Fine.
What are you looking for? Blood.
Woman Attention shooters, stop firing.
Make your guns safe, step back from the line.
This place hasn't been cleaned.
There's at least a week's worth of debris here.
I'm not seeing a stitch of blood.
Torse wasn't shot here.
That you had called her She changed her number in March, Following which, you phoned her another 30 times.
Her husband killed my mom and my dad and my baby sister.
Anyone I ever cared about.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
You know, my mom had preeclampsia.
She, uh, had to get the procedure Or she was going to die.
We found an ak in your apartment.
You've also been to the blast away gun alley a dozen times In the last month.
What were you doing there, practicing? You think I did something To that scumbag's wife, you're wrong.
No, I think you did something to the scumbag.
He was murdered.
He was shot so many times you could see through him.
Yes! I didn't kill him, but I would've.
I would've taken the needle to taste that sweet revenge.
I mean, murder is wrong, But killing your enemies, That's all through the old testament.
That's pretty much the same reason That torse bombed that clinic.
I didn't cast the first stone.
I'm gonna need your prints, your dna, And those boots.
You got it.
They're all yours.
And, miss, thank you for giving me the best news of my life.
All the hairs from the showgirls were dyed, No pigment concentration.
And I always thought that those girls were all natural.
However, the hair That was found in bernie nash's throat Is from a natural redhead.
So, it wasn't one of the showgirls who was with nash.
What about The trace in the scratches on his back? Ah, believe it or not, There's gold in them thar scratches.
No, really, it's actual gold.
Along with traces of camphor, ethyl acetate, And tosylamide- formaldehyde resin.
All common ingredients in fingernail polish.
We're not looking for a showgirl.
We're looking for a gold digger.
I was just trying to protect my marriage.
Believe it or not, I really do love my knuckles.
My little hamster.
Then how do you explain the traces Of your fingernail polish on bernie nash's back? Huh? Remember we found you trying to remove it When we questioned you? Bernie made a pass at me the day we met, Right in front of knuckles.
And all these years since, Every time we saw him, he was always grabbing And squeezing And whispering dirty talk.
And always, I told him, "get lost.
" And then one day he happened to catch me in a Compromising position.
How'd you get the funny name? By doing this.
Bingo! Anybody here got a cough drop? Um, do you have a cough drop? Bernie said he would tell knuckles unless So, anyway, after rehearsal, I went to his dressing room and Mm, yeah.
But bernie couldn't do zilch.
Come on! Well, you gave it the 120-proof try.
Bernie? You need a doctor? I need a stiff drink.
Vodka rocks.
You need a stiff something, that's for sure.
I gave him his drink, I left, And then he died.
I guess I was just too much For his old heart to handle.
But that-that's not breaking any laws, is it? Well, doping his drink With enough oxycodone to take out rhode island is.
What? No, I didn't, I didn't.
I don't even have any oxy.
Oh, come on.
And believe me, I could use it.
Dancing for 20 years, I got gravel for cartilage And back pain like you wouldn't believe.
What I do believe Is that you could never let nash tell your little hamster About what was going on between you and bingo.
It wasn't nash's heart that made him a dud casanova, It was the fact that he was loaded up on dope.
That's what did it.
That's ridiculous.
The last thing you could get bernie to drink was water.
Look, I was there five minutes, tops.
And when I left, he was alive.
Well, now he's dead.
And you're not going anywhere.
Oh, uh, no-no, no-no.
The straw and razor blade Are for an experiment that I'm working on.
And the white stuff? Uh, the white stuff.
Yes, that's magnesite, aka magnesium carbonate.
It's the white residue That was found on the tarp That your victim was wrapped up in.
It was also found on daniel peidre's boots.
Where does one find a lot of magnesite around here? You want to guess where The largest magnesite mine in the u.
S.
Is? Not really.
I'll tell you anyway.
It's in the lovely town of gabbs, nevada.
About two 250 miles Outside of vegas.
You know, my mother took me there For my 15th birthday.
She's a bit of a rock hound.
Every store in town sells magnesite souvenirs.
There's clocks, key chains, pens Maybe the killer killed torse in gabbs.
All right, t.
O.
D.
Was between 12:00 a.
M.
And 3:00 a.
M.
Which means the killer would've had to have shot torse Then drove 250 miles to vegas to dump the body.
All under four hours.
I don't buy that.
But I bet there's plenty of magnesite Washing down from that mine.
Koral, nevada.
Just 50 miles outside of vegas.
More like it.
Mm-hmm.
Light 'em up! Excuse me! Hey, y'all lookin' for passes?! Lvpd usually shoots here for free! We're not here to shoot! We need everybody to stop shooting-- now! Okay.
Man Okay, folks, sorry about that.
Hey, what's going on? Uh, local authorities have got A little something to do here for a few minutes.
Why don't you visit the tables Now first off, let me just say I'm a huge supporter of law enforcement.
I respect the badge.
But this here, it's not a firing range.
It's a shootout.
I don't need a permit.
I own the land.
All right.
I see you're shooting an m2.
And I noticed a grenade launcher on the way in, A hydraulic cannon as well as a flamethrower.
Yes, sir, pretty cool.
All registered and legal.
Doesn't mean you Should be shooting them for fun, does it? Sure.
Why not? This here-- it's a festival, celebrating gun ownership.
A place where law-abiding americans Can dust off weapons They normally couldn't use anywhere else.
Want to try the ol' ma deuce? She's a lot of fun.
I'm sure she is.
Do you recognize this man? Negative.
We think he might have been killed on your property.
Ma'am, I've been doing this for a lot of years.
Never had any accidents.
We didn't say it was an accident.
What about him? Have you ever seen him before? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, he was Shooting down here the other night.
Well, as a big supporter of law enforcement, Would you mind if we took a look around? Not at all.
What if terpsie pratt is telling the truth, And she didn't kill nash? She's not a redhead.
It's possible.
So, somebody must have been In the dressing room after she left.
Yeah, but the hair I found didn't come from Any of the people that we know were backstage.
And we still don't know where the oxycodone came from.
Water, water everywhere, including bernie nash's lungs.
Good.
Salt water? Tap water? Glacial melt? What? Fresh water, indeterminate source.
But it did contain minute particles of ferric oxide.
Iron rust.
That usually comes from old pipes.
That's why nearly all water lines are copper now.
We can probably rule out Terpsie's bottled water.
And the samples that you collected From the dressing room sink, Toilet and shower had no iron particles.
So the water nash drowned in came from somewhere else.
And it doesn't add up.
We gotta go back to the crime scene.
Dressing rooms were completely renovated a year ago.
Including the plumbing? Yeah, all new.
Believe me, no expense spared.
All right, thanks, bingo.
Lines are all copper.
Water did not come from here.
Get out of here! Come on.
Woman: Give it to me! Hey! Come here! Give me that! Let go! Are you crazy? Let go! Let go! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on here? He took my bag.
Hey, hey, hey! Give me my bag! It's my bag.
Give it back! All right, enough, enough! You're under arrest for assault.
Which gives me the right To search your bag.
Cuff him.
Aw, come on.
There's nothing in there.
What's this? Looks like oxycodone to me.
Where did that come from? That's illegal possession, Sale of a schedule ii controlled substance And homicide.
Looks like we got ourselves a bingo.
Get him out of here.
Oh, I got something over here.
Whew! Well, torse was missing both of his feet.
Directionality of the blood is heading this way.
I got a finger.
Looks like this is where it started.
That's what I'm talkin' about! Man 2: Here we go, boys! So you said that daniel peidre was at your shootout.
Yeah.
What was he shooting? Same thing we were all shooting.
The mountain.
Look, the kid didn't do this by himself, all right? You want to play dumb with us, We'll just charge you for murder, too.
Look, I didn't kill anybody.
We found his body wrapped in One of your blue tarps off an alley on 28th street, Where it was dumped.
It's your land, it's your shootout, It's your responsibility.
So what happened? Daniel catches himself a famous fugitive, He brings him down here, You guys decide to have a whole lot of fun, Use him for target practice No, no, no, no.
No, that's not what happened.
Then what did happen? Because that is the story that we're gonna give the d.
A.
He was already dead when I found him.
We sweep the range before and after every night shoot, Make sure it's clear of animals.
Never expected to see a body out there.
My family's owned this land for over a hundred years.
I figured you guys find a dead body out here, You'd probably take it from me.
Most people take their bodies from vegas out to the desert, Not the other way around.
Well, I'm just not real experienced on killing people.
Look, I was just trying to get the scent away from my land.
All right, we dropped him in northtown Thinking you guys would think it was some sort of gang thing.
I'm telling you, we sweep this range At last light.
He had to have snuck in after that to camp out.
It's so dark out there.
We didn't know about him.
He sure as hell didn't know about us.
Not till we started shooting.
So, you're saying that this was an accident? Ma'am, I'm telling you that everybody on that firing line Probably put at least one bullet in him.
Including me.
That kid-- he didn't have anything to do with it.
Well, the dead guy, Kurtis torse, he blew up an abortion clinic.
He killed 27 people.
If you had just called the cops, You'd be a hero right now.
Instead, you tried to cover it up.
Which makes you a criminal, too.
Bingo's the oxy connection.
He's involved with terpsie pratt, Which gave her access to the drugs.
And nash's death would have kept their affair secret.
But how did they drown him? Old model.
You thinking what I'm thinking? I was, but it's another copper line.
Let's get this panel off.
The line's got a leak- check it out.
And it's dripping onto that rusty panel.
It's dripping into the ice bin.
Nash drowned in ice cubes? Well, the vodka and the oxy Would have induced respiratory depression.
Blood flow to the brain would've been reduced.
He was probably unable to realize What was happening to him, much less how to stop it.
No prints.
Weapon just melts away.
Looks like natural causes.
It's the perfect murder.
Yeah, but where'd the red hair come from? It's not the showgirl's- hers was dyed.
And terpsie's a brunette.
Knuckles wears a toupee.
So what? It's brown.
Well, having dabbled in the art Of discreet hair coloration myself In my younger, more experimental days, I know a thing or two about the calibration of highlights And lowlights required to obtain certain effects.
To wit, human hair both absorbs and reflects light.
So, a brown toupee could also contain lighter shades, Such as light brown, blonde or even red.
I guarantee you, we are going to find Red hairs in knuckles' rug.
Should've taken that toupee off a long time ago.
It's been molting for years.
No, I-I-I did.
I killed bernie.
Well, why? Was it jealousy because they were having an affair? Oh, no; no, no.
No, if a light in vegas went out every time Terpsie banged a guy You'd have to be a bat to find your way home at night.
That wasn't it.
You see What we do out on that stage, It's kind of like life and death.
I mean, you do a good show and you come off and you go, "boy, I killed 'em.
" But, uh, you don't get any laughs, Oh, boy, you say, "whew, I died.
" Yeah.
Yeah, and that's not just an expression.
You know, when bernie and I were rehearsing Last week, um Well, He couldn't remember any of the new material, you know.
He couldn't even remember the old material, so, just Drive me kind of crazy, but he lost his funny.
And when a comic loses his funny That's the end.
Cancel? Are you nuts! Give back a million bucks? You don't want to open, fine.
I done a single before, and I'll do it again.
I couldn't let him go out In front of that audience on opening night.
I figure I I just killed him before they did.
And I did it because I loved him.
And he'd have done the same for me.
Where did you get the oxycontin? Swiped it from terpsie.
You know, she's got a little trouble With the pills, you know.
Yeah, she tries to hide that stuff from me, but I find it.
You know, it's a little game we play.
And how'd you come up with the ice cube gag? Oh, y-yeah Oh, that was a good one.
Yeah, yeah.
See, I did a show with angela lansbury one time, you know.
And, uh, angie says to me- I called her angie-- She says to me, "that's the perfect murder.
" And I say, "well, it would have been perfect, If you hadn't decided to come to town.
" Eh, got a pretty big laugh.
Yeah.
Nuh, maybe I lost my funny, too, huh? But I'll tell you something.
It was beautiful while we were there.
Yes, sirree.
And we were both there, right on top, you know.
Vegas was mount olympus.
And we were gods.
# we've come to the last dance # # and save me the first dance # in your dreams tonight.
#