Dan for Mayor (2010) s02e12 Episode Script

What is up with that? So then, I said, "I don't know whose pants I'm wearing, but they're not mine!" People just love the guy.
He's got a way around a bar.
Well, he's really effective, I'll give him that.
Do you think he's honest? Not sure I follow.
I just wonder if you can be effective and honest.
Sure, when you were a bartender here, I thought you were effective and honest.
And as mayor? I think you're really honest.
Well, thanks, Mike.
We'll look at this and see if we can make the numbers work.
You know, it's funny you should say that, Craig.
Just the other day, I was down at City Hall visiting my friend, Dan.
Dan Phillips.
And he said, "Mike, your prices are too darn low!" Anyway, we had a good laugh about it.
You know the mayor? Hmm? Yeah, I mean, I just know him as Dan, so it's weird to hear you call him the mayor.
But yeah.
Well, if your business is good enough for the mayor, I think that's good enough for us.
I think we can make this work.
Great! You know, I was just talking to my friend Dan, the mayor, the other day, and he said, "Mike, you work too damn hard for your customers!" Ha, ha! You know what? Let's talk about this over drinks later, huh? See you guys! - What were you doing? - Hmm? Oh, just you know, wrapping up some stuff with some new clients.
I just don't think it's cool to use Dan's name to get work.
Oh, it's funny you should say that, 'cause just the other day, I was down at City Hall visiting Dan, and he said it was cool.
So I'm sorry! That's some sad glasses here, gents.
Another round? Why not? Thanks, Fern.
Hey, Fern, let me take over there.
I got this! I feel like I should get out in the field more.
It's okay, I got this! Well, I hate to pull rank.
Really? 'Cause you do it a lot.
Hey, guys! You know, Fern calls us gents.
You guys trading work stories? Yeah, we were just talking about our idiot bosses.
Fern led off! Yeah, I got some stuff in the back room to look after, but you're in good hands.
Well, I had this idiot boss when I worked in the copy shop.
He ordered a bunch of matte-finish paper-- Hey, can we get Fern back? You're probably just going to tell us stories about when you worked at the photocopy place, and to be honest, we've heard them all before and they kind of suck.
I've got other stuff! Uh, Mike, tell them I'm okay.
Jeff, not cool! My reputation's on the line here.
And I don't like to lie.
We could promote the Wessexdale Mall with targeted billboards, magazines, and really start to brand it as a place to shop, eat and park.
I've never thought to emphasize the parking before.
I have been to your mall.
It's a highlight! It's just our company's always used a different P.
R.
firm.
Our rates are very reasonable.
Okay, well, why don't you let me think it over-- You know, it's funny.
The other night I was saying to my boyfriend, Dan.
Dan Phillips? "You spend too much time at City Hall.
We should go shopping more.
" Oh, that's nice! But he said, "I'm the mayor! I don't have time to shop.
" I know, I barely have time to shop.
I'll see you later.
But I said, "You're the mayor of Wessex! You have a lot of influence.
" He said, "I'm too busy trying to help developers to get tax incentives to shop, eat and park.
" Hmm.
Why don't you let me talk to my partners about this, and maybe we can make it work.
Great! You know my boyfriend Dan, the mayor-- You can stop now.
Why don't people warm to me like Fern? Hmm, where do I start? Uh, charisma, confidence? Look, here's what you got to do, Jeff.
First, be interested in people, even when you're not.
This works for you? Yeah, I'm doing it right now.
You think I care about you or your problems? I'm just working it.
Stare into my eyes.
Like this? That's good.
Now, be interested.
Or fake interested.
How was your day? Conventional question, but okay, I'm buying it.
Now, uh, see that guy over there? Yeah? Go talk to him, try what we just did.
And Jeff, no photocopier stories.
But that's my A material! Yeah, it really isn't.
Hey! Hey.
How was your day? Not bad.
Could you stop doing that? Yeah, sure, just interested in you.
Pardon me? Not like that.
What do you do? I sell and fix photocopiers.
Cool, I used-- No.
Are you married? Hey, you got a new client! That's great! Yeah, Wessexdale is the largest mid-size mall in the region.
Wow, that's almost-- something! There's just one little thing.
When the client and I were talking, your name kind of came up.
and Well, I think he was kind of jazzed that I knew you.
Really? You're not mad, are you? No, I think it's kind of cool! I think it influenced the deal, actually.
Yeah, I guess it would.
You're dating that young go-getter? Is he as awesome as they say he is? Awesome-r! He always struck me as a handsome sex symbol, who is both effective and honest.
Yeah, something like that.
It's weird that you knew exactly what he wore.
Anyway, I hope you don't mind.
No, it's not like we work together.
Besides, I'm sure he was sold way before my name was even mentioned.
Definitely! Hey.
Hey, it's the mayor! Sam Jefferson, ethics commissioner.
Have a seat! What can I do for you? Uh, well, I had a scenario I wanted to run by you.
Sure! Uh, well, I've got this friend-- Oh, I get it! And what is this "friend" into? Oh, no, no! I didn't mean it like that.
I meant my girlfriend.
Oh, I see! And what is this girlfriend into? No, no, she's my actual girlfriend.
She does P.
R.
, and mentioned my name and got this contract because well, the guy thought I was so effective and so forth.
Hmm, that is a bit of a pickle.
What do we get out of it? "We"? You mean the city? Sure, "the city.
" No, not the city! You and me, what do we get out of it? I don't think we get anything out of it.
Yeah, of course.
I was just kidding.
Um, so are we good? Claire and I? Tell you what.
Just let me talk to this client of your girlfriend.
Uh, just you know, standard procedure.
Okay, great, I'll get you his contacts.
Great! Oh, hey, my long-distance code isn't working.
I don't know what it is.
Uh, could I use yours? I have to make a conference call in like 5 minutes.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, okay.
It should be okay.
You're the ethics commissioner.
Yeah! - 164.
- 164, great.
Thanks, talk to you soon! Hey, ladies.
It's Sam the man.
Let's get this chat line party going! Oh, yeah! Hey, Claire.
So, about the mall contract, I don't think it's going to work out.
But we have a deal! I already spent the money on shoes.
I had a little visit last night from your ethics commissioner.
Don't worry! My boyfriend-- you know, the mayor-- talked to him.
He's going to play ball, if you know what I mean.
Yeah, well, your ethics guy wanted free movie tickets, a gym membership, and unlimited on-demand yoghurt from Mr.
Fro-Yo.
Wow, that's smart! You can do that? No! Right, no! You wouldn't do that! I can't be giving away free yoghurt.
That stuff gets noticed.
But I'm parked in a 5-minute zone.
Yeah, well, we can't all be the Wessexdale Mall, Bill! All right, this is worse than I thought.
You have no discernible skills.
- I can fix a pho-- - If you say "photocopier," I'm going to shove that lime down your throat.
Phone-call making machine! Here, juggle these.
That's good! Now, imagine that with bottles! I see what you're saying, but I'm going to need a partner! See, you could learn a lot from these guys! Yeah, I won't be that good, but still! Hey, do you think they kind of look like us? Not really.
Can I offer you a drink? I've got a beer keg under my desk.
Under-desk beer, tempting, but I'm going to pass.
I'll have a sip! I got this after doing some ethics work for Doone's.
Oh, the non-alcoholic beer company? Damn, no wonder I never get drunk.
So, what brings you by? How's Wessex's most influential power couple? I wouldn't say "most influential" but-- We heard you approached Bill Anderson.
Oh, him! Yeah, I don't trust that guy.
I know what you mean.
Bill's eyes are a little shifty.
Plus he wouldn't let me extort him.
Wait, you're not wearing a wire, are you? No.
Whew! Those things are the bane of my existence.
Anyway, what's the deal? You want me to back off Bill? No, we want our business dealings to be on the up and up.
That's why we came to you.
Well, not entirely on the up and up, but you know-- We mean entirely on the up and up.
You want to run an honest administration.
That's okay by me.
Well, honest and effective.
Yeah, I don't know about the second part.
But sure, let's keep things honest.
Didn't know those were the rules of the game.
You're the ethics commissioner! Totally! It has come to my attention that Mayor Phillips and his girlfriend have been engaging in unethical behaviour.
Can you elaborate? It seems they've been padding each other's pockets.
I will be launching a thorough investigation.
Thank you.
What the hell was that? I just thought I should look into your dealings.
You know, mayor's girlfriend and all? Do you have to keep calling her my girlfriend? Well, what is she? My girlfriend.
Look, she's not doing business with the mall guy anymore.
I don't know that! Yes, you do! Moot.
He said no to the fro-yo.
That kind of killed it for me.
Besides, I don't like the tone you used with me this morning.
So, no cold McShanty's for you! That's non-alcoholic too.
Damn it! Hey, where's Fern? Probably taking a nap.
He's so ancient, right? LOL! Hey, not cool! I like Fern.
Fern's not here, but uh, I'm the Jeffer! Jeff, J.
F.
, I'm Jeff.
What are you drinking? B-52.
B-52, eh? The, uh, one with all the layers.
Yeah, Fern makes it awesome! Awesomely.
And it's just a drink, right? A combination of, uh, coffee liqueur, Irish cream and orange liqueur.
Whatever, Fern makes it amazing.
I make it amazing-er.
Great.
I'm here with some friends, so can you get us 12 to start with? In a heartbeat.
So, you guys are-- Did you know that a nice, simple lager makes a really more sophisticated drink for a bunch of ladies on the town? My dad drinks lager.
Lame.
Way lame! JK! LMAO! Why are you talking like that? I don't know.
Fern! Hey, Ashley! Jules, Dana! Big bachelorette party, huh? So, is Bree getting psyched about the wedding? Oh, and Heather! Congratulations on the new job! I think this calls for a toast! Go, Fern! Go, Fern! Go, Fern! I want to fire the ethics commissioner.
Good, Dan, very decisive! But you can't.
Why not? Only city council can do that.
It's a safeguard to prevent sleazy mayors like you from firing good guys like Sam.
Good guy? I just saw him stealing change from the water fountain! Yeah, that's Sam! Fine, I'll get council to fire him.
Oh, you're wasting your time.
They like him.
He lets them expense pretty much anything.
Well, I got to do something.
Sure, but can you wait till my trip to the Dominican's gone through? Dan-o! Fern-o, I need a favour.
You can start by not calling me Fern-o.
Done, and now a favour in return.
You know those cheat sheets you have? Yeah? There's this guy named Sam Jefferson.
Ethics commissioner.
I need dirt.
What kind of dirt? Anything.
Affairs, shady business deals, clumsy parallel parking.
Hmm, yeah, I think there might be something.
Photos, let me check.
Okay.
Hey, what did you say about cheat sheets? Oh, Fern's got cheat sheets on everyone in the bar.
You know, it helps him remember his customers.
Favourite drinks, what they do, what Fern does, everything.
And these sheets are in the bar? Yeah, he keeps them in the back room in a boot.
Thanks.
Okay.
Oh, that was fast! Your friend, Sam Jefferson? He likes the ponies.
He gambles? No, he raises ponies.
Raises them to fight.
How did you get these? Did you fight ponies? No! Fine, whatever, thanks! I miss you, Thunder Hoof! Check this out.
Cheat sheets? Yeah, looks like Fern's charm isn't as natural as we thought.
Look at this.
He's got notes on every person who's ever been to the bar.
Oh, why do they smell like a foot? Whoa, I'm in here! "Jeff, clumsy, too many photocopier stories.
" Too true, man! Too true! I mean, wow, what a fink! What does it say under my name? Nothing, just a drawing of a moustache.
Cool! I have something I think you might be interested in.
Oh, yeah? What's her name? Rainbow Mist.
No! You have a sick habit! A somewhat fascinating, but mostly sick, sick habit! I'm just letting the ponies do what comes naturally.
If you don't do what I say, I'm going to send these to your parents.
They passed away 5 years ago.
The media, then! You've never done this before, have you? Sure, I have! And if you come any closer, I'll burn these! Look, if you want me to quit, I'll just quit.
No, I want you to do your job! I want you to be a real ethics commissioner.
You're blackmailing me to be ethical? Kind of.
But you know, I wouldn't call it blackmail.
I'd call it being effective.
Effective blackmail, is what I'm saying! Do all ponies have pointy teeth? Hey, guys! Hey, Tom, Carol! You guys haven't been here since the 5th! I got this one.
Oh, I don't mind helping out! What can I get you? Well, I bet Carol could go for her usual Greyhound, and Tom, I'm guessing Old-Fashioned! And I bet little Ethan's doing well.
What's he drinking these days? Shirley Temple, Virgin Caesar? Can I talk to you for a second? I'm onto your game, Jeff.
I don't know what you're talking about.
My cheat sheets! Well, I guess we could all use a little help sometimes.
Well, that's the difference between you and me, Jeff.
I could do it without a crutch.
So could I.
Fine, then I guess we don't need these! Oh, wow, you really meant it! I really appreciate Dan getting that ethics commissioner off my back.
Well, I had a hand in it too.
I hear Dan got all up in his face, and told him to back down! Yeah, that was my strategy.
Well, whatever Dan did, it worked! I'd like to work with you on that mall promotion again.
Great! I'd like you to accept these gifts.
Oh, Bill, I couldn't possibly accept this.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, a fro-yo coupon! Hey, guys.
- Hey, Suzy! - Sarah! Sandra.
Right.
Get you your usual? Thanks.
I'll just go over here to get your glass.
Oh, why can't I just have it in my standard glass? Ah! So, you'll have your usual garnish, of course.
You bet.
I seem to remember you're more of an olive than an onion kind of gal.
Since when do you put olives in chocolate martinis? Ha, ha! You're going down, Fern! Ha, ha, ha! You are going down! Ha, ha, ha! Smooth.
Damn it! Drinking and driving's a serious offence.
I wasn't drinking! You reek of booze.
I spilled a martini on my shirt.
Ah, too drunk to find your mouth? No! No I was having a competition with my friend! Drinking games! This guy's the worst.
It's not like that! Look, I saw the way you acted when we pulled you over.
Asking too many questions, nodding your head, and staring into my eyes all weird.
I was pretending to be interested in you! You're here for the night, buddy.
But I got to get back to the bar! This guy's unbelievable! Dan, this is Jane Chernin.
She's the integrity commissioner.
She'll be handling the ethics files for now.
Oh, great! I'll be keeping an eye on things.
I don't want to see any more abuses of power.
Oh, no, you can count on me.
We're on the same page here.
Oh, uh, sorry, I have to take that.
Hello? Dan, it's me, Jeff! Oh, hey, buddy.
Listen, can I call you back? I have someone here.
I'm in jail! I need you to get me out.
You're in jail? Uh, sorry, Jeff, but even though you're my friend, I can't use my influence to help.
I wouldn't ask, but it's kind of important.
I'm in a cell with a really big guy.
Oh, sorry, buddy! But I can't help you out! Wouldn't be ethical.
Dan, I need help! Ah, just don't make eye contact.
Okay, see you later! Oh, friends! Always asking for favours, always turning them down.
I like your style, Dan.
It's refreshing! Dan, great news! Thanks to you and all your influence, Bill took me back as a client.
I'm sure it wasn't my influence! No, completely.
I thought I really blew it with him, but he was like, "The mayor gets all up in people's faces, and makes things happen.
" Let's talk about this later.
He even gave us handicapped stickers to use at the mall parking lot! And I would never, ever use that! Nope, ha, ha! Let me introduce you to Jane, the integrity commissioner.
Oh! Hi! It's nice to meet you! So, I'm like, "Dan, you got to help me out!" And Dan's like, "No way, Jeff.
I'm ethical.
I don't use my influence to help friends!" Oh, no, he didn't! Then, this big dude comes over and goes, "Hey, you smell good.
Mind if I sit beside you?" I had a big guy sit next to me once.
Was it in jail? No, it was at a pony fight.
Real ponies fighting.
I like Jeff's story better!