Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e19 Episode Script

# Daring duck of mystery # Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows # Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes # But his number's up Three.
two.
one # Darkwing Duck # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck Let's get dangerous.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck! # Cloud of smoke and he appears # A master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind # That shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure # But bad guys are out of luck.
'cause here comes - # Darkwing Duck - Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out.
you bad boys # Darkwing Duck! (male announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Stranglehold Arena (crowd cheers) for the wrestling event of the century! A charity match between the dee-readed Masked Mangler (booing) and that mysterious crime-fighter himself - Darkwing Duck! Watch yourself, Dad.
Mangler's the transcontinental intergalactic world-title holder.
Gosalyn, Gosalyn, Gosalyn.
I thought you knew wrestling was phony! Well, of course it's fake.
The fun part's pretending it isn't.
Give me some credit, Dad.
Fake? Wrestling's fake? OK, let's give these folks what they paid for.
(grunting) (crowd booing) Now it's my turn to win for a while, right? I'll try to make it look convincing.
Hi-ya! And one of these, and (gasping) Oh, boy.
You know, a little falling over would add tons to the creditability of this act.
Giraffe.
Boy, DW fakes pain really well.
Those bumps and bruises are a nice touch.
I don't think he's faking.
We've got to create some kind of diversion and get him out of there.
I'm leaving now, and don't anybody try to stop me.
- Whoa, somebody's robbing the place.
- Nah, that's too obvious.
Quackerjack! The terrible toy master of crime! Octopus.
Any chance I could get some assistance here? - Sure thing, DW.
- I'll take care of the Mangler.
I'll take that.
Keep this behemoth busy, LP, while I collar the crook! Poodle.
It looks like Darkwing Duck has tagged off to, uh (whispering) the Hugely Muscled Head Ripper? The game's over, Quackerja aah! Whatever you say, Darkwing! It's an incredible turnaround, folks.
(panting) Oh! I give up! Oh, please! Leave me alone, please! Enough already.
The Hugely Muscled Head Ripper has Mangler in a pinky lock! Help! He's after me.
Oh, don't let that demented duck get me.
Quit your cowardly quaking, Quackerjack, and hand over that money.
All right, all right.
What's going on here? Hah! This is the man who robbed the box office.
Oh, yeah - it's money all right.
- Play money! - Huh? It looks like Darkwing Duck has tried to arrest an innocent citizen for stealing his own money! Ha-ha! And the money isn't even real! (crowd laughing) Poor Dad.
I don't understand it.
Why would Quackerjack steal his own fake money? Psst! Darkwing Duck! If you wanna get back at Quackerjack, I got something for you.
He's gonna rob First National bank and eliminate all the witnesses with a bomb hidden in a rubber chicken.
A bomb! In a rubber chicken? How fowl! And just how do you know this, Mr? That guy seemed pretty flaky, Dad.
Do you think you ought to trust him? Flaky or extra crispy, he's still my best chance to get even with Quackerjack.
Don't anybody try to stop me! (Darkwing) I'm the terror that flaps in the night.
I am the ten-dollar service charge on all returned checks.
I am Darkwing Duck! You'll never stop me, not as long as I have this! (gasps) - The rubber chicken! - I'm not afraid to use it.
OK.
Take it easy there, Quackerjacker.
Just put the chicken down.
Well, if you insist.
Look out! This chicken could explode at any second! Get down! Run! Take cover! This is Dan Gander outside First National Bank.
where the rubber chicken crisis has just entered its tenth incredibly tedious hour.
Darkwing Duck continues to cling to the chicken.
refusing all offers to put him in a taxi and take him home.
Gosalyn! Launchpad! Get out of here! This thing could go at any moment.
Gosalyn, no! Don't you know this is This is this is not a bomb, is it? Don't take it so hard, Dad.
It was an honest mistake.
Oh, easy for you to say.
You didn't spend the last ten hours on top of a chicken.
(German accent) Excuse me, Mr.
Darkwing.
My name is Loon.
Dr.
Leopold L.
Loon.
I don't need a doctor, Doctor.
I need a mortician.
Somebody to bury the remains of my once-sterling career.
No, no.
You is just a little discombobulated, that's all.
You is making all sorts of wrong decisions, because you is doubting your very own self.
I'm is? I am? No doubt about it.
But you come see me tomorrow morning, and by afternoon, you'll be as right as raindropping, yeah? (giggles) You're not thinking about going to that guy, are you, Dad? I don't know if a doctor can help, but he sure can't hurt.
Well, I think you'll find Mr.
Meekles a very interesting psycho-buddy.
I'm experiencing a career crisis, too.
This little test will tell me more about you than your own mother wants to know.
"Which would you rather wear to work: A: blue jeans, B: a suit and tie, or C: a gaudy costume with mask and cape?" What? No hat? "You and a coworker have a dispute over paper clips.
"Do you A: punch him in the nose, B: complain to your boss, Oh! Here we go.
"C: hide under your desk and pray the whole thing blows over.
" And what do you see in this picture, Mr.
Darkwing? A pair of powerful protagonists battling over the fate of the universe.
Mr.
Meekles? Two swans dancing.
Oh, it's a lovely picture.
- Isn't it, Mr.
Darkwing? - I'll have to order a print for the parlor.
Through the use of hypnosis, we'll be able to reach the root of your problem.
You are going back, back, back - into the dim, dark recesses of your primitive past.
(yelling) (grunting) (drilling) You realize, of course, that your poor social skills doom you to extinction.
Stop it! No! Let me at 'em! Where'd he go? Who's the big? Mr.
Darkwing? Well, I am pleased to announce the results of your tests.
Mr.
Meekles and Mr.
Darkwing.
According to these tests, one of you should be a caped crime fighter, stalking the rooftops in search of evildoers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the other one should be pouring tea at the Lace and Doily Society.
- Mr.
Darkwing, your teapot.
- Huh? This is bogus! You can't quit the crime-fighting business! Dr.
Loon's tests prove it.
As a superhero, I'm a super zero.
The world has seen the last of Darkwing Duck.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! The first time I robbed this place I was only playing.
But now that I've reduced Darkwing Duck to psychological rubble, I can rob it for real! I'll be able to buy the toy I've always wanted, as soon as I relieve the box office safe of Ten million dollars! That's tonight's prize money.
Heh, the Mangler wants a rematch.
With the Hugely Muscled Head Ripper.
(laughs) - What do you get if you lose? - Five bucks and a free Hippo burger.
Maybe Darkwing Duck ought to be there tonight just in case you need help.
Sorry, no can do.
Major poetry reading at the Lace and Doily Society this evening.
(grunting) The pinky lock, Launchpad! Go for the pinky lock! Snakes don't have pinkies.
Oh, I hope Dad's having better luck in his new job.
Oh, waiter! More tea.
I am the kettle that whistles in the night.
# I'm a little teacup with the teeny handle that you can't get your finger in.
- I am Teapot Duck.
- More tea.
(women gasp) Whoopsie! I'd better turn down the pressure.
"The Darkling Wood.
by Emily Duckinson.
"In the darkling wood, I hear what in my dreams doth pierce the ear And in the quiet night doth slumber" (snoring) Ahem! "My peaceful thoughts are cast in umber!" What? Oh, sorry! Uh-oh.
So many safes! So little time! And once I buy the toy to end all toys, I'll crack them all! (laughs) With Darkwing Duck retired, there's no one to I am the terrier that nips at your shoelaces! I am the lavender wrist slapper! Now, grab sky, bad guy! I don't know who your tailor is, but I suggest you sue.
Oh, I didn't get this from a tailor, I found it at the county landfill.
Oh, I always get new clothes when I'm down in the dumps myself.
But, enough fashion talk.
Teddy, destroy him! Suck gas, evildoer! (laughing) Laughing gas? (laughing) I love this stuff! Teddy Teddy has no sense of humor! And (laughs) Get him! Get him, Teddy! Oh, my! (growls) "Oh, oh! Bare trees wither wither" Desist at once! Aha! Here's the problem! Tea bag stuck in the thermostat.
(clanking) (woman) And stay out! Well, some people have no manners.
And the test said I was perfect for this job.
I guess I'm just a failure at everything.
Oh, I hate the first day on a new job.
Help me load up the loot before some other idiot comes in here and Is this where I pick up my Hippo burger coupon? Make that two Hippo burgers and don't forget his Fre French fries? Bring the safe, Teddy.
I'll take care of these two personally! Now look here, Mr.
Quackerjack, you're not gonna You aren't taking that lying down, are you, Launchpad? Oh, guess you are.
Darkwing Duck won't let you get away with this! Darkwing who? Oh, yes, him! I suspect he's too busy folding doilies to care about my little crime spree.
Forgetting something, aren't you, Quackerjack? Oh, this job is far too stressful.
(harmonica plays) (sighs) What's the use of it all.
I'm just a born loser.
Excuse me, sir.
I do hope my throwing myself off the bridge won't disturb you.
What? Oh, no, no.
Not at all, go right ahead.
What?! You can't do this, it's not the answer.
I'm afraid I have no choice.
A test showed me what my perfect job was, and I was just a terrible failure at it.
No test can tell you how to live your life! A man like you, a man like me - we boldly go and daringly do, our heads are in the clouds and our eyes are on the stars.
Fill up your eyes with those stars, man! - With a fill-up you get a free sports mug.
- I do? Your future's out there, I tell ya! It's coming to ya! And the future doesn't leave recorded messages.
- You've got to be there when she rings! - Oh, I will! I will be there! Oh, Mr.
Duck you saved my life.
You're a real hero.
Hero? Yeah! Yeah! Ha! I guess I am a real he.
I won't be needing this horrible weapon anymore.
Maybe, maybe Oh, just maybe I can get that lovely job at the Lace and Doily Society.
Help! Help! Somebody help me! Grab on! Quackerjack's nabbed Gosalyn.
You want me to drop you by the house before I No, pull in closer to the bridge, LP.
I see something I need down there.
I never should have let this out of my hands.
Now, fly to the tower.
We'll pick up my spare costume.
- You mean? - That's right.
Darkwing Duck is back.
# When you have $10 million in your checking account # You can have any toy you want! Ooh! Ha-ha-ha! With Terror Teddy, the whole town becomes one big play center! (laughs) All right, LP.
Let's get dangerous.
Boy, it sure feels good to say that again.
(alarm) - No! It can't be! It's - Darkwing Duck! (Teddy growls) I hate it when that happens.
(screaming) (burps) Looks like your hero just became my teddy bear's picnic.
Which leaves us with one too many playmates around here.
Hey, you better call off Winnie the Ghoul right now! But I thought little children liked to play with stuffed animals.
(growls) (thud) (Darkwing panting) Fortunately, I never leave home without a heavy-duty hydraulic jack.
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
Wha? I am the widget missing from the easy-to-assemble swing set.
I am Darkwing Duck! (moaning) Without your weapons to hide behind, you're just a duck whose mother dresses him funny.
A real hero is more than the sum of his gimmicks, Quackerjack.
All I need is this.
(German accent) You is getting sleepy, Quackerjack.
You is going back, back.
No! No, no! You can't do that! Back into your primitive past.
No, no! No, no, no, no, no! Triceratops.
So, Dad, now that you're back to being you, are you gonna stay you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Gos.
Wherever there's an evildoer evil doing, I'll be there.
Great, Dad.
Because I am the terror that flaps in the night.
Dad, gotcha.
I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime.
I am the zit that forms when you've got a really big date.
- I am the impacted wisdom tooth - All right, Dad, we get the point! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck!