Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e27 Episode Script
Smarter Than a Speeding Bullet
# Daring duck of mystery # Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows # Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes # But his number's up Three.
two.
one # Darkwing Duck # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck Let's get dangerous.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck! # Cloud of smoke and he appears # A master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind # That shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure # But bad guys are out of luck.
'cause here comes - Darkwing Duck - Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out.
you bad boys # Darkwing Duck! (Steelbeak) Come on, boys, move it, will ya? Ah.
Agent Steelbeak.
what have you to report? Ya-ho, High Command, how ya doin'? Listen, we're in the Quacky Rub-a-Duck warehouse hustling up duckies.
Carry on.
Gotcha.
Agent Steelbeak, over and out.
(duck squeaks) You're out, all right.
Out of luck! Wow! Look what the cat dragged in.
Dimwit Duck! Very clever.
Now submit or suck gas! (grunting) Greetings, life forms.
Take me to your champion.
(squeaking) (clears throat) Oh! Greetings! (chuckles) Uh Take me to your champion.
Oh, pretty neat costume, eh, DW? Um, excuse me, bizarre-looking alien monstrosity.
We're crushing these criminal culprits, then we'll be with you.
Criminals? Ho-ho! I am a crime-fighter myself! I am Comet Guy, champion of the planet Mertz.
Let me assist you in foiling these scruffs.
Get ready, evil-doers, it's Comet time! (electrical explosion) Oopsie.
Good thing there's a fire alarm, huh, DW? (alarm rings) Yeah, (coughs) real good.
(stammers) That-that sound! My one weakness! (stammering) It makes me it makes me (stammering.
gibberish) dance! Hm, interesting.
Usually superheroes are so reserved.
(chuckles) Some crime-fighter! Huh! I'm soiled! Come on, boys, we gotta get this thing to the dry-cleaners, and fast.
No so fast, Steelbeak, you can Whoa! Whoa! Easy there, big fella! Virtue triumphs again! Oh, no! Yeow! Why, you! Oopsie.
Uh, I guess I should have warned you.
When I hear a bell, I can't stop dancing until I hear a whistle.
Thank you for sharing.
(sighs) Well, boys, I think we've had our comedy relief for today.
Now listen, bub, you've just enabled a envoy of evil to escape with with a parcel of potentially perilous rubber duckies! What kind of crime-fighter are you, anyway? (sobbing) A lousy one! (sobs) I'm the worst champion the planet Mertz has ever had! That's why they sent me here! I'm supposed to study with this planet's champion.
A crime-fighter renowned throughout the galaxy.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, seek no further, peculiar-looking thing from another world, for I am he.
(blows nose) Ho-ho! When can we start training? Right now.
If we don't get you trained soon, I won't have city left to protect.
Well, DW, there sure isn't much damage he can do here.
There sure isn't much to train with, either.
That's where you're wrong, Comet Guy.
This is, in reality, a secret S.
H.
U.
S.
H.
training camp.
S.
H.
U.
S.
H.
? It's your basic super-secret international espionage agency.
(screams) Wrong cactus.
Wow! What'll they think of next? OK, let's start your training with a little physical conditioning.
You just swing across like this.
Think you can manage that without wreaking havoc? - Why not just walk across? - Because you'd get wet, see? No! I mean walk on the water.
You can walk on water? Sure! I just freeze it with my icy Comet vision.
Ho-ho! Hey, pretty nifty trick, eh, DW? DW! Oopsie.
OK! Let's just try a simple little rope climb, shall we? Take it easy! No fires, no tornadoes, no ice.
Easy on the catastrophe, OK? Understand? Comprendo? Capeesh? I promise, absolutely no capeeshing.
Oopsie.
I can't even climb a rope right! (sobbing) I'm worthless! - A zero! A washout! - Hey, come on, take it easy, big guy.
A champion never gives up.
Right, DW? Right.
Although there may be times when he considers it.
So, this is what you do on patrol.
Flying around looking for trouble, huh? On my planet, that's what the crooks do.
Ho-ho! My Comet sense has picked up a crime in progress.
Right down there! (wincing) Launchpad, take her down.
Look! It's that round tank! Ah! Steelbeak again! OK, time for a lesson in crime-fighting.
I have a plan.
LP, you wait outside and stop any escaping eggmen.
Comet Guy, you stick with me and do exactly as I do.
Yo, there, F.
O.
U.
L.
Command, we are in Bob's Office Supply.
Nabbed all the erasersd and rubber bands, as ordered.
Over and outta here.
Com on, boys, make it snappy! The only thing that's going to snap is the twisted frame-work of your evil plot.
Psst! How am I doing so far? Get him, boys! All right, Steelbeak, put up your hands and come quiet Whoa! Whoa! (rumbling) You are hopeless! I couldn't teach you to be a doorstop.
You're through! Finito! Kaputsky! What's your point? Just go home! Leave me alone! You flunked-out! But now what'll I do? (sobbing) (moaning) (Comet sobs) Oh, there must be someone who can train me to be a champion! (sobs) - Hm - I can't go home as a flunky! Now I must wander the universe forever alone and untrained.
Perhaps I can be of some assistance.
- Who are you? - I'm I'm Oh, yeah, yeah.
Steelwing Cluck! Caped cruncher of crooks, and champion trainer extraordinaire.
Ho-ho! A champion trainer? What a lucky coincidence! Could you train me? Pally, you gotta deal.
(chuckles) Now, you see that big metal vat? It's full of melted rubber.
Uh, right.
Well, you heard of plastic explosives, right? OK, this is, uh this is rubber explosives.
Sure, that's it.
And we got to get it back to my hideout and defuse it.
Okie-doke! (rattles) Comet Guy, what are you doing here? Oh, hello, former trainer.
Hmph, party crashers! Plan B, just like I told youse.
Who's the joker in the tin hat? This is my new trainer, Steelwing Cluck.
Steelwing Cluck? Hold the phone, that's Steelbeak! Pay no attention to him, he's one of the bad guys android duplicates.
(guffaws) Yeah, I should have known you weren't the real Darkwing Duck.
Heh-heh! Just look at that phony beak! But-but, it's my beak! Launchpad, tell him I'm me! Gee, DW, I don't know.
They all look like you! But shame on you all for posing as a crime-fighter! Maybe you should teach these disrespectful androids a lesson about imitating heroes,huh? Starting with this one.
(gulps.
chokes) Comet Guy! It's me, the terror that flaps hello! That'll teach you to look like Darkwing Duck! Now, let's get this vat of explosives back to the hideout.
Ho-ho! Onward! Hey, what about the rest of these androi Uh-oh.
All right you, take off that mask! Ow! Launchpad, it's me! (train whistle) - Oopsie! - Now how are we going to find Steelbeak? Uh, well, we could follow this trail of latex that leaked out of the tank, DW.
Unless, of course, we follow this trail of latex that leaked out of the tank.
Whoa, that guy's amazing! Uh, excuse me, Professor Steelwing? It's not that I don't trust you, but are you sure this is how you defuse explosives? Oh,sure! It's what you call your uh melt-down procedure.
OK, boys, it's defused! Now, soon as that cools off a bit, I've got a little surprise for you, Comet Guy.
Ho-ho! I love surprises! Surprise! - Behold, one felonious fake! - Gasp! I've been duped! - Why, you! I ought to pinch your head flat! - Go ahead and try! (ringing) (stammers) Oh, no! Th-that sound! (both whistle) (ringing) (whistles) (ringing) (whistles) (ringing) Fortunately, I was prepared for this eventuality.
Face the wrath of the lemon launcher! Ew! (spitting) (ringing) (tapping) Oh, you (indistinct) Now, before my eggmen slice and dice you into tiny bite-sized chunks, here is a word from my sponsors.
Greetings.
Darkwing.
We of the F.
O.
W.
L.
High Command would like to introduce you to our latest weapon of mass destruction.
The F.
O.
W.
L.
Ball! 60 tons of solid rubber.
with a remote control.
Now.
Agent Steelbeak.
you must destroy the city! Once the world has witnessed the awesome might of the F.
O.
W.
L.
Ball.
it will fall at our feet like an over-ripe fruit! Yeah, I'm outta here! And take off that ridiculous towel! You'll never get away with this! (chuckles) Wrong-o, Dweebwing! Boys, grind 'em into duck burgers! (Steelbeak laughing) Slice it, dice it! Slice and dice! (gulping) Um, should we slice 'em and then dice 'em? Or should we dice 'em and then slice 'em? Whatever you do, just please, please don't smother us is molten rubber! (chattering) OK, molten rubber it is then! Turn on the heat! (steam whistle blows) - Ho-ho! - Uh-oh, where's the bell? You can't make an omelet without pounding the living daylights out of a few eggs! Comet Guy, it's time for your final exam! OK, St.
Canard, it's time to play ball! Comet Guy, you're the only one who can stop that ball now! But, I flunked out, remember? I'm hopeless! - Oh, phooey! A champion never gives up! - But you gave up on me.
Well, he's got you there, DW.
Well, yeah - and look what happened? - Good point! - Right! Use your Comet vision! Ho-ho! Hey, I did it! But look, the bad guy's getting away! Throw this rope up to the helicopter and climb it, just like you did the tower in the desert.
Remember, turn a weakness into a strength! (moans) Ho-ho! We have you now, you you you not-so-nice person! Guess again, Comatose Guy! (chiming) - Midnight! - Oopsie.
(stammers) That-that-that sound! (stammering) Never give up! Remember! Hey, b-b-buddy, back off! Ya-ah-ah-ah! Whoa! (whistles) Ho-ho! A-cha-cha! A doobie-doobie-doo! (humming) You can stop dancing now, Launchpad.
Hm? Oh, uh, sure thing, DW.
And so, in recognition of your boundless fortitude and dexterity in saving St.
Canard from devastation - I, Darkwing Duck, am pleased to confer upon you the highly coveted degree of Doctor of Championology.
Ho-ho! I'm so proud! A diploma from the famous champion of the planet Flug! Flug? - This isn't the planet Flug! - It isn't? Ho-ho! I knew I should have taken that left turn at Andromeda.
Ahem, well, Professor Darkwing, not that I don't appreciate it, but I've got to get to Flug in a hurry! Bye-bye! Whoa! Oopsie! Ho-ho! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck!
two.
one # Darkwing Duck # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck Let's get dangerous.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck! # Cloud of smoke and he appears # A master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind # That shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure # But bad guys are out of luck.
'cause here comes - Darkwing Duck - Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out.
you bad boys # Darkwing Duck! (Steelbeak) Come on, boys, move it, will ya? Ah.
Agent Steelbeak.
what have you to report? Ya-ho, High Command, how ya doin'? Listen, we're in the Quacky Rub-a-Duck warehouse hustling up duckies.
Carry on.
Gotcha.
Agent Steelbeak, over and out.
(duck squeaks) You're out, all right.
Out of luck! Wow! Look what the cat dragged in.
Dimwit Duck! Very clever.
Now submit or suck gas! (grunting) Greetings, life forms.
Take me to your champion.
(squeaking) (clears throat) Oh! Greetings! (chuckles) Uh Take me to your champion.
Oh, pretty neat costume, eh, DW? Um, excuse me, bizarre-looking alien monstrosity.
We're crushing these criminal culprits, then we'll be with you.
Criminals? Ho-ho! I am a crime-fighter myself! I am Comet Guy, champion of the planet Mertz.
Let me assist you in foiling these scruffs.
Get ready, evil-doers, it's Comet time! (electrical explosion) Oopsie.
Good thing there's a fire alarm, huh, DW? (alarm rings) Yeah, (coughs) real good.
(stammers) That-that sound! My one weakness! (stammering) It makes me it makes me (stammering.
gibberish) dance! Hm, interesting.
Usually superheroes are so reserved.
(chuckles) Some crime-fighter! Huh! I'm soiled! Come on, boys, we gotta get this thing to the dry-cleaners, and fast.
No so fast, Steelbeak, you can Whoa! Whoa! Easy there, big fella! Virtue triumphs again! Oh, no! Yeow! Why, you! Oopsie.
Uh, I guess I should have warned you.
When I hear a bell, I can't stop dancing until I hear a whistle.
Thank you for sharing.
(sighs) Well, boys, I think we've had our comedy relief for today.
Now listen, bub, you've just enabled a envoy of evil to escape with with a parcel of potentially perilous rubber duckies! What kind of crime-fighter are you, anyway? (sobbing) A lousy one! (sobs) I'm the worst champion the planet Mertz has ever had! That's why they sent me here! I'm supposed to study with this planet's champion.
A crime-fighter renowned throughout the galaxy.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, seek no further, peculiar-looking thing from another world, for I am he.
(blows nose) Ho-ho! When can we start training? Right now.
If we don't get you trained soon, I won't have city left to protect.
Well, DW, there sure isn't much damage he can do here.
There sure isn't much to train with, either.
That's where you're wrong, Comet Guy.
This is, in reality, a secret S.
H.
U.
S.
H.
training camp.
S.
H.
U.
S.
H.
? It's your basic super-secret international espionage agency.
(screams) Wrong cactus.
Wow! What'll they think of next? OK, let's start your training with a little physical conditioning.
You just swing across like this.
Think you can manage that without wreaking havoc? - Why not just walk across? - Because you'd get wet, see? No! I mean walk on the water.
You can walk on water? Sure! I just freeze it with my icy Comet vision.
Ho-ho! Hey, pretty nifty trick, eh, DW? DW! Oopsie.
OK! Let's just try a simple little rope climb, shall we? Take it easy! No fires, no tornadoes, no ice.
Easy on the catastrophe, OK? Understand? Comprendo? Capeesh? I promise, absolutely no capeeshing.
Oopsie.
I can't even climb a rope right! (sobbing) I'm worthless! - A zero! A washout! - Hey, come on, take it easy, big guy.
A champion never gives up.
Right, DW? Right.
Although there may be times when he considers it.
So, this is what you do on patrol.
Flying around looking for trouble, huh? On my planet, that's what the crooks do.
Ho-ho! My Comet sense has picked up a crime in progress.
Right down there! (wincing) Launchpad, take her down.
Look! It's that round tank! Ah! Steelbeak again! OK, time for a lesson in crime-fighting.
I have a plan.
LP, you wait outside and stop any escaping eggmen.
Comet Guy, you stick with me and do exactly as I do.
Yo, there, F.
O.
U.
L.
Command, we are in Bob's Office Supply.
Nabbed all the erasersd and rubber bands, as ordered.
Over and outta here.
Com on, boys, make it snappy! The only thing that's going to snap is the twisted frame-work of your evil plot.
Psst! How am I doing so far? Get him, boys! All right, Steelbeak, put up your hands and come quiet Whoa! Whoa! (rumbling) You are hopeless! I couldn't teach you to be a doorstop.
You're through! Finito! Kaputsky! What's your point? Just go home! Leave me alone! You flunked-out! But now what'll I do? (sobbing) (moaning) (Comet sobs) Oh, there must be someone who can train me to be a champion! (sobs) - Hm - I can't go home as a flunky! Now I must wander the universe forever alone and untrained.
Perhaps I can be of some assistance.
- Who are you? - I'm I'm Oh, yeah, yeah.
Steelwing Cluck! Caped cruncher of crooks, and champion trainer extraordinaire.
Ho-ho! A champion trainer? What a lucky coincidence! Could you train me? Pally, you gotta deal.
(chuckles) Now, you see that big metal vat? It's full of melted rubber.
Uh, right.
Well, you heard of plastic explosives, right? OK, this is, uh this is rubber explosives.
Sure, that's it.
And we got to get it back to my hideout and defuse it.
Okie-doke! (rattles) Comet Guy, what are you doing here? Oh, hello, former trainer.
Hmph, party crashers! Plan B, just like I told youse.
Who's the joker in the tin hat? This is my new trainer, Steelwing Cluck.
Steelwing Cluck? Hold the phone, that's Steelbeak! Pay no attention to him, he's one of the bad guys android duplicates.
(guffaws) Yeah, I should have known you weren't the real Darkwing Duck.
Heh-heh! Just look at that phony beak! But-but, it's my beak! Launchpad, tell him I'm me! Gee, DW, I don't know.
They all look like you! But shame on you all for posing as a crime-fighter! Maybe you should teach these disrespectful androids a lesson about imitating heroes,huh? Starting with this one.
(gulps.
chokes) Comet Guy! It's me, the terror that flaps hello! That'll teach you to look like Darkwing Duck! Now, let's get this vat of explosives back to the hideout.
Ho-ho! Onward! Hey, what about the rest of these androi Uh-oh.
All right you, take off that mask! Ow! Launchpad, it's me! (train whistle) - Oopsie! - Now how are we going to find Steelbeak? Uh, well, we could follow this trail of latex that leaked out of the tank, DW.
Unless, of course, we follow this trail of latex that leaked out of the tank.
Whoa, that guy's amazing! Uh, excuse me, Professor Steelwing? It's not that I don't trust you, but are you sure this is how you defuse explosives? Oh,sure! It's what you call your uh melt-down procedure.
OK, boys, it's defused! Now, soon as that cools off a bit, I've got a little surprise for you, Comet Guy.
Ho-ho! I love surprises! Surprise! - Behold, one felonious fake! - Gasp! I've been duped! - Why, you! I ought to pinch your head flat! - Go ahead and try! (ringing) (stammers) Oh, no! Th-that sound! (both whistle) (ringing) (whistles) (ringing) (whistles) (ringing) Fortunately, I was prepared for this eventuality.
Face the wrath of the lemon launcher! Ew! (spitting) (ringing) (tapping) Oh, you (indistinct) Now, before my eggmen slice and dice you into tiny bite-sized chunks, here is a word from my sponsors.
Greetings.
Darkwing.
We of the F.
O.
W.
L.
High Command would like to introduce you to our latest weapon of mass destruction.
The F.
O.
W.
L.
Ball! 60 tons of solid rubber.
with a remote control.
Now.
Agent Steelbeak.
you must destroy the city! Once the world has witnessed the awesome might of the F.
O.
W.
L.
Ball.
it will fall at our feet like an over-ripe fruit! Yeah, I'm outta here! And take off that ridiculous towel! You'll never get away with this! (chuckles) Wrong-o, Dweebwing! Boys, grind 'em into duck burgers! (Steelbeak laughing) Slice it, dice it! Slice and dice! (gulping) Um, should we slice 'em and then dice 'em? Or should we dice 'em and then slice 'em? Whatever you do, just please, please don't smother us is molten rubber! (chattering) OK, molten rubber it is then! Turn on the heat! (steam whistle blows) - Ho-ho! - Uh-oh, where's the bell? You can't make an omelet without pounding the living daylights out of a few eggs! Comet Guy, it's time for your final exam! OK, St.
Canard, it's time to play ball! Comet Guy, you're the only one who can stop that ball now! But, I flunked out, remember? I'm hopeless! - Oh, phooey! A champion never gives up! - But you gave up on me.
Well, he's got you there, DW.
Well, yeah - and look what happened? - Good point! - Right! Use your Comet vision! Ho-ho! Hey, I did it! But look, the bad guy's getting away! Throw this rope up to the helicopter and climb it, just like you did the tower in the desert.
Remember, turn a weakness into a strength! (moans) Ho-ho! We have you now, you you you not-so-nice person! Guess again, Comatose Guy! (chiming) - Midnight! - Oopsie.
(stammers) That-that-that sound! (stammering) Never give up! Remember! Hey, b-b-buddy, back off! Ya-ah-ah-ah! Whoa! (whistles) Ho-ho! A-cha-cha! A doobie-doobie-doo! (humming) You can stop dancing now, Launchpad.
Hm? Oh, uh, sure thing, DW.
And so, in recognition of your boundless fortitude and dexterity in saving St.
Canard from devastation - I, Darkwing Duck, am pleased to confer upon you the highly coveted degree of Doctor of Championology.
Ho-ho! I'm so proud! A diploma from the famous champion of the planet Flug! Flug? - This isn't the planet Flug! - It isn't? Ho-ho! I knew I should have taken that left turn at Andromeda.
Ahem, well, Professor Darkwing, not that I don't appreciate it, but I've got to get to Flug in a hurry! Bye-bye! Whoa! Oopsie! Ho-ho! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck! # Darkwing Duck!