Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e36 Episode Script
Dry Hard
# Daring duck of mystery Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes But his number's up # Darkwing Duck When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing, Darkwing Duck # Cloud of smoke and he appears # Master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind that shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure But bad guys are out of luck # 'Cause here comes - # Darkwing Duck - # Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out, you bad boys # Darkwing Duck # [announcer.]
It's another hot scorcher, as we sweat through the 25th day of this righteous heat wave, And speaking of hot, here's another one that's burning up the charts, [upbeat pop music playing.]
Oops.
How goes the plumbing, Drakester? Uh, fine.
Fine.
The original Mr.
Fix-It has it all - under control.
- Whoa.
Whoa.
[gasping.]
[giggling.]
[laughing.]
Hey, it looks like you need a 3/4 Pinckney flange.
Do I tell you how to lay sidewalks? Coming through.
Nothing's better for the beverage biz than a good old heat wave.
But why take chances? How about some complimentary potato chips, sir? Complimenter-ary? Why, sure.
- [alarm ringing.]
- [gagging.]
All natural mineral water, a dollar a cup.
What a bargain! Say it with me: "What a bargain".
[hoarsely.]
What a bargain.
Natural mineral water from the tap, naturally.
[Darkwing.]
Behold, one and all.
Gasp in amazement at the masterpiece of a true plumbing genius.
[rumbling.]
- [both laughing.]
- Genius! Looks like you could use a 3/4 Pinckney flange, Drakeroo.
I know that.
You think the original Mr.
Fix-It was born yesterday? I've got buckets of flanges inside.
Launchpad, what's a Pinckney flange? Oh, boy, Soft Copy with Tom Lockjaw.
Here at the utterly expensive La Grande Yuppe, patrons were shocked to find that even the rich and beautiful can't escape the mysterious plague of disgusting water, It was horrible, It tasted like musty corduroy pants, No, it was more like scorched insects, Yeah, or really cheap zinfandel, [both.]
Ew! Bud Flud, owner of the Sparkling Crystal Pure Flud Water bottling company, is a foremost leader in water physics, [high-pitched electronic feedback.]
The problem is, bad-tasting molecules, that have been around since dinosaur days, have worked their way into the regular molecules of,,, [clearing throat.]
,,,most of my competitors, Ew! I wouldn't want to drink those! [crowd cheering.]
And with Bud Flud's Sparkling Crystal Pure Flud Water, I'll never have to, [cheering.]
[women.]
# It tastes so good we think you ought-er # Drink Sparkling Crystal Pure Flud Water # Ah! Well, be that as it may, officials suspect someone's been befouling our bottled waters, Befouled? Nobody befouls the drinking water of St.
Canard while I'm around.
This is a job for Darkwing Duck! This is a job for Lawrence of Arabia.
Phew.
Hoo-boy, I'll say.
It's hotter than a monkey's uncle.
Let's stop by Beverage King.
They've got a huge selection of drinks.
What do you mean, everything's sold out? Well, everything that doesn't taste like mud.
[buzzing.]
[fizzing.]
Hmm.
It seems Bud Flud's water's still a hot seller.
As well as our favorite, Koo Koo Fizzy Water.
One of these two will be the next bottler blighted by this beverage befouling bandit.
Slop, slop, fizz, fizz.
[Darkwing.]
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
Ahhh! I am the parking meter that expires while you shop.
I am Darkwing Duck! It's Bud Flud.
# Bud, Bud, Bud Buddy Flud # That's right, Launchpad.
Flud's been polluting the waters of his competitors so that his alone will be the only drinkable drink that's that can be drunk.
This is the ultimate form of advertising.
Would you rather drink my pure mountain magic or a big fat monkey brain? - Hmm - Your mountain magic, of course.
But you're still going up the river, Mr.
Taste [screaming.]
- Test.
- Help me, I'm melting! Don't be such a baby, Flud.
- It's only - [fizzing.]
- water.
- Where did he go? All the better.
Cases are so much easier when the bad guy offs himself like that.
[announcer.]
After the 26th day of this heat wave, we're struggling to keep our tempers cool and our lawns alive, And, speaking of lawns, next up is Darlin', I Lawn For You.
Mr.
Muddlefoot, sir.
I'm from Better Than Your Home and Garden Magazine, Say, could I photograph your sprinkler system for our cover? Ha! Sure thing, spud.
Knock yourself out.
[gasping.]
Oh, a plumbing spectacular to rival the Imperial Fountains of Sodature.
Mmm! I've got your plumbing spectacular right here.
Get a load of this! Come on.
Whoosh, whoosh, water, water, splash! Let's go! Have you tried a 3/4 Pinckney flange? I don't need no stinking Pinckney flange.
I'm handy.
I'm resourceful.
I'm ambidextrous.
Cowabunga.
Ha, ha! I'm going shopping.
Plumber Junction.
Drains Are Us.
International House of Hose.
You'd think somebody would carry a 3/4 Pinckney flange.
Hey! What's going on here? Who are you? # What's going on here? Who could he be? [crowd cheering.]
I was once a meager but brilliant bottled water salesman in the beautiful berg of St.
Canard.
# Saint, saint, saint, St, Canard Enough of this song and dance.
You mean to tell me you're? Correction.
I was Bud Flud # Bud, Bud, Bud Buddy Flud before you mercilessly threw me into that contaminated vat of water.
Threw you? You fell into the vat.
I mean, I had nothing to do with that.
We even tried to save you.
Nevertheless, I became the new and improved master of all liquids, The Liquidator.
# He's wet and he's cool He's really hip # He may be made of water but he's no drip # Doo-wah # Haven't you heard? The wet look is out.
Ew! Yuck! Are your muscles sore? Tired? Aching? Try Liquidator brand deep heating rub.
[sizzling.]
Ooh, water.
I'm really scared.
Yow! It's hot! Not just hot.
Boiling.
# Boiling water That dog's hot # Like a big red lobster in a pot # Ah # Looks like this duck's goose is cooked.
Here in the sewers of St.
Canard we've taken a local crime fighter and surrounded him with a wall of boiling water.
DW? DW? # Darkwing Duck [screaming.]
Lobster women! Never mind the seafood, old pal.
You just splushed the bad guy.
I did? [growling.]
This is no ordinary puddle of water, LP Pursue that perpetrating puddle.
Come on! [Liquidator laughing.]
Follow that pipe.
# Follow that pipe Come on.
Get out, get out.
[Darkwing.]
There.
All we gotta do is track this pipe to its end and we'll have him.
The St.
Canard Water Works! Not to worry.
Little does the demented drip know he's matching wits with the original Prince of Plumbing.
[Liquidator.]
Hey! What the? What's going on out there? The feathered favorite easily foils the fiendish fluid's felonious flight.
But look what you did to the Water Works! It may not look like much, but I assure you there's not a leak in the joint.
Who'd have thought stopping a watery villain would be so hard? Hard? Darkwing Duck, you've given me a stunning slant for my new advertising campaign: hard water.
Huh? Binkie, we've got a problem.
This is hard water.
As is all the water in St.
Canard.
So, have a drink - on me.
- Ahhh! Hey, this water's not hard.
We can drink the bay! Nyah-nyah! Oh, no, you can't.
[horn sounding.]
Well, this is highly unusual.
We're stuck! I know.
Are you dry? Parched? Craving something wet and wild? Can't seem to quench your thirst with ordinary tap rubber? Try Sparkling Crystal Pure Flud Water.
Now on sale for the unbelievably low price of $5,000 a bottle.
Ah! It's good.
Darkwing Duck's faithful sidekick vainly attempts to pull himself free of the rubbery blob which once was Audubon Bay.
Luckily, our flapping terror possesses the latest in crimebusting technology.
A 200-horsepower thing cutter.
[engine whirring.]
Adios, thing cutter.
Where are we going? Just follow me.
[both grunting.]
[Launchpad panting.]
Gee, DW, maybe it's not the best day to go bouncing up a 95 story office building! [Darkwing wheezing.]
Ninety-six and we won't be bouncing long! [panting.]
The impact should shatter the hardened water.
Now, on my command I hope this doesn't hurt.
jump! [both screaming.]
It hurt.
Launchpad, we're gonna pay a visit to the Liquidator's bottling factory.
But first, I think I've got a way to beat this blasted heat.
[chuckling.]
My mineral water is selling like hotcakes.
[Darkwing.]
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
Oh, no.
I am the soap scum that lines your bathtub.
- [Liquidator laughing.]
- I am [continues laughing.]
Oh! Oh, I love your new summer costume.
- [laughing.]
- Well, thank you, Mr.
Duckwell.
So, now we're fashion experts, are we? [laughing.]
I'm sorry.
It's just that you remind me of my cousin Morty in that get-up.
None of the girls would ever talk to him.
Ah-ha! But Morty probably wasn't very handy with a common cleaning sponge! Away goes Liquy, down the drain.
Now, Launchpad, now.
[Liquidator.]
Hey, what the? I am the terror that flaps in your pipes.
I am the hairball that clogs your drain.
I am the original Mr.
Fix-It.
And you're in hot water, Liquy.
LP, steam his collar.
- Temperature going up.
- [rattling.]
Whoa.
Ah.
Evaporation does such wonders for my skin.
DW, remember when you left the empty coffee pot on the burner? - I think this is worse.
- [gasping.]
- [train whistle sounding.]
- OK, OK, OK, OK, fine.
So, I'm a lousy plumber.
So, sue me already.
I never get that unsightly scorched look.
Later.
The freezer.
That's just dandy.
Let's see him get out of there.
[rumbling.]
Well, that's creative.
[water creatures chattering.]
[Darkwing.]
It's like eating soup with a fork.
Even in temperatures of 50 below, the new improved Liquidator keeps on running.
Or lurching sluggishly, as the case may be.
Once I thaw, you're aqua, Duck.
Oh, as much as I hate crushed ice Oh-ho! That really hit the spot.
All right, Liquidator, make the water wet again, or I'll scoop you into Sno-Cones for the kids in the neighborhood.
[rumbling.]
You asked for it.
You got it.
Wet water! Quick, into the sewer.
Everybody knows active bodies get thirstier quicker.
[panting.]
We've got to find a way out.
Hey, I dropped this today.
I know where we are.
Hey! What do you know, a Pinckney flange.
Three-quarter, too.
[rumbling.]
All my cash flow's down the drain unless I get a little water flow.
Pronto! [rumbling.]
Keen gear! Spot me a cold one, Gos? Uh-uh.
Two dollars, please.
Ah, two dollars.
A girl after my own heart.
But watch how a seasoned pro operates.
[water creatures squawking.]
Let's get dangerous.
Get away from me, you slimy little drips.
Take her back to the factory.
I could use another enterprising individual in my organization.
Fat chance, Mr.
Waterhead.
Yeah.
Fat chance, Mr.
Waterhead.
Concrete, shmoncrete.
The Liquidator continues going mile after mile.
[creaking.]
Of course, mileage may vary.
This could be a little harder than you thought.
Try to kidnap me, will ya? Eat sneaker! You're right, Binkie.
It does make a nice centerpiece.
Mr.
Mallard, sir, could I get a few shots of your plumbing spectacular for our special swimsuit issue? Hm? Go right ahead, my good man.
Model sprinkler system, Mr.
Fix-It.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I couldn't have done it without that Pinckney flange.
Or my old pal, Liquy.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck
It's another hot scorcher, as we sweat through the 25th day of this righteous heat wave, And speaking of hot, here's another one that's burning up the charts, [upbeat pop music playing.]
Oops.
How goes the plumbing, Drakester? Uh, fine.
Fine.
The original Mr.
Fix-It has it all - under control.
- Whoa.
Whoa.
[gasping.]
[giggling.]
[laughing.]
Hey, it looks like you need a 3/4 Pinckney flange.
Do I tell you how to lay sidewalks? Coming through.
Nothing's better for the beverage biz than a good old heat wave.
But why take chances? How about some complimentary potato chips, sir? Complimenter-ary? Why, sure.
- [alarm ringing.]
- [gagging.]
All natural mineral water, a dollar a cup.
What a bargain! Say it with me: "What a bargain".
[hoarsely.]
What a bargain.
Natural mineral water from the tap, naturally.
[Darkwing.]
Behold, one and all.
Gasp in amazement at the masterpiece of a true plumbing genius.
[rumbling.]
- [both laughing.]
- Genius! Looks like you could use a 3/4 Pinckney flange, Drakeroo.
I know that.
You think the original Mr.
Fix-It was born yesterday? I've got buckets of flanges inside.
Launchpad, what's a Pinckney flange? Oh, boy, Soft Copy with Tom Lockjaw.
Here at the utterly expensive La Grande Yuppe, patrons were shocked to find that even the rich and beautiful can't escape the mysterious plague of disgusting water, It was horrible, It tasted like musty corduroy pants, No, it was more like scorched insects, Yeah, or really cheap zinfandel, [both.]
Ew! Bud Flud, owner of the Sparkling Crystal Pure Flud Water bottling company, is a foremost leader in water physics, [high-pitched electronic feedback.]
The problem is, bad-tasting molecules, that have been around since dinosaur days, have worked their way into the regular molecules of,,, [clearing throat.]
,,,most of my competitors, Ew! I wouldn't want to drink those! [crowd cheering.]
And with Bud Flud's Sparkling Crystal Pure Flud Water, I'll never have to, [cheering.]
[women.]
# It tastes so good we think you ought-er # Drink Sparkling Crystal Pure Flud Water # Ah! Well, be that as it may, officials suspect someone's been befouling our bottled waters, Befouled? Nobody befouls the drinking water of St.
Canard while I'm around.
This is a job for Darkwing Duck! This is a job for Lawrence of Arabia.
Phew.
Hoo-boy, I'll say.
It's hotter than a monkey's uncle.
Let's stop by Beverage King.
They've got a huge selection of drinks.
What do you mean, everything's sold out? Well, everything that doesn't taste like mud.
[buzzing.]
[fizzing.]
Hmm.
It seems Bud Flud's water's still a hot seller.
As well as our favorite, Koo Koo Fizzy Water.
One of these two will be the next bottler blighted by this beverage befouling bandit.
Slop, slop, fizz, fizz.
[Darkwing.]
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
Ahhh! I am the parking meter that expires while you shop.
I am Darkwing Duck! It's Bud Flud.
# Bud, Bud, Bud Buddy Flud # That's right, Launchpad.
Flud's been polluting the waters of his competitors so that his alone will be the only drinkable drink that's that can be drunk.
This is the ultimate form of advertising.
Would you rather drink my pure mountain magic or a big fat monkey brain? - Hmm - Your mountain magic, of course.
But you're still going up the river, Mr.
Taste [screaming.]
- Test.
- Help me, I'm melting! Don't be such a baby, Flud.
- It's only - [fizzing.]
- water.
- Where did he go? All the better.
Cases are so much easier when the bad guy offs himself like that.
[announcer.]
After the 26th day of this heat wave, we're struggling to keep our tempers cool and our lawns alive, And, speaking of lawns, next up is Darlin', I Lawn For You.
Mr.
Muddlefoot, sir.
I'm from Better Than Your Home and Garden Magazine, Say, could I photograph your sprinkler system for our cover? Ha! Sure thing, spud.
Knock yourself out.
[gasping.]
Oh, a plumbing spectacular to rival the Imperial Fountains of Sodature.
Mmm! I've got your plumbing spectacular right here.
Get a load of this! Come on.
Whoosh, whoosh, water, water, splash! Let's go! Have you tried a 3/4 Pinckney flange? I don't need no stinking Pinckney flange.
I'm handy.
I'm resourceful.
I'm ambidextrous.
Cowabunga.
Ha, ha! I'm going shopping.
Plumber Junction.
Drains Are Us.
International House of Hose.
You'd think somebody would carry a 3/4 Pinckney flange.
Hey! What's going on here? Who are you? # What's going on here? Who could he be? [crowd cheering.]
I was once a meager but brilliant bottled water salesman in the beautiful berg of St.
Canard.
# Saint, saint, saint, St, Canard Enough of this song and dance.
You mean to tell me you're? Correction.
I was Bud Flud # Bud, Bud, Bud Buddy Flud before you mercilessly threw me into that contaminated vat of water.
Threw you? You fell into the vat.
I mean, I had nothing to do with that.
We even tried to save you.
Nevertheless, I became the new and improved master of all liquids, The Liquidator.
# He's wet and he's cool He's really hip # He may be made of water but he's no drip # Doo-wah # Haven't you heard? The wet look is out.
Ew! Yuck! Are your muscles sore? Tired? Aching? Try Liquidator brand deep heating rub.
[sizzling.]
Ooh, water.
I'm really scared.
Yow! It's hot! Not just hot.
Boiling.
# Boiling water That dog's hot # Like a big red lobster in a pot # Ah # Looks like this duck's goose is cooked.
Here in the sewers of St.
Canard we've taken a local crime fighter and surrounded him with a wall of boiling water.
DW? DW? # Darkwing Duck [screaming.]
Lobster women! Never mind the seafood, old pal.
You just splushed the bad guy.
I did? [growling.]
This is no ordinary puddle of water, LP Pursue that perpetrating puddle.
Come on! [Liquidator laughing.]
Follow that pipe.
# Follow that pipe Come on.
Get out, get out.
[Darkwing.]
There.
All we gotta do is track this pipe to its end and we'll have him.
The St.
Canard Water Works! Not to worry.
Little does the demented drip know he's matching wits with the original Prince of Plumbing.
[Liquidator.]
Hey! What the? What's going on out there? The feathered favorite easily foils the fiendish fluid's felonious flight.
But look what you did to the Water Works! It may not look like much, but I assure you there's not a leak in the joint.
Who'd have thought stopping a watery villain would be so hard? Hard? Darkwing Duck, you've given me a stunning slant for my new advertising campaign: hard water.
Huh? Binkie, we've got a problem.
This is hard water.
As is all the water in St.
Canard.
So, have a drink - on me.
- Ahhh! Hey, this water's not hard.
We can drink the bay! Nyah-nyah! Oh, no, you can't.
[horn sounding.]
Well, this is highly unusual.
We're stuck! I know.
Are you dry? Parched? Craving something wet and wild? Can't seem to quench your thirst with ordinary tap rubber? Try Sparkling Crystal Pure Flud Water.
Now on sale for the unbelievably low price of $5,000 a bottle.
Ah! It's good.
Darkwing Duck's faithful sidekick vainly attempts to pull himself free of the rubbery blob which once was Audubon Bay.
Luckily, our flapping terror possesses the latest in crimebusting technology.
A 200-horsepower thing cutter.
[engine whirring.]
Adios, thing cutter.
Where are we going? Just follow me.
[both grunting.]
[Launchpad panting.]
Gee, DW, maybe it's not the best day to go bouncing up a 95 story office building! [Darkwing wheezing.]
Ninety-six and we won't be bouncing long! [panting.]
The impact should shatter the hardened water.
Now, on my command I hope this doesn't hurt.
jump! [both screaming.]
It hurt.
Launchpad, we're gonna pay a visit to the Liquidator's bottling factory.
But first, I think I've got a way to beat this blasted heat.
[chuckling.]
My mineral water is selling like hotcakes.
[Darkwing.]
I am the terror that flaps in the night.
Oh, no.
I am the soap scum that lines your bathtub.
- [Liquidator laughing.]
- I am [continues laughing.]
Oh! Oh, I love your new summer costume.
- [laughing.]
- Well, thank you, Mr.
Duckwell.
So, now we're fashion experts, are we? [laughing.]
I'm sorry.
It's just that you remind me of my cousin Morty in that get-up.
None of the girls would ever talk to him.
Ah-ha! But Morty probably wasn't very handy with a common cleaning sponge! Away goes Liquy, down the drain.
Now, Launchpad, now.
[Liquidator.]
Hey, what the? I am the terror that flaps in your pipes.
I am the hairball that clogs your drain.
I am the original Mr.
Fix-It.
And you're in hot water, Liquy.
LP, steam his collar.
- Temperature going up.
- [rattling.]
Whoa.
Ah.
Evaporation does such wonders for my skin.
DW, remember when you left the empty coffee pot on the burner? - I think this is worse.
- [gasping.]
- [train whistle sounding.]
- OK, OK, OK, OK, fine.
So, I'm a lousy plumber.
So, sue me already.
I never get that unsightly scorched look.
Later.
The freezer.
That's just dandy.
Let's see him get out of there.
[rumbling.]
Well, that's creative.
[water creatures chattering.]
[Darkwing.]
It's like eating soup with a fork.
Even in temperatures of 50 below, the new improved Liquidator keeps on running.
Or lurching sluggishly, as the case may be.
Once I thaw, you're aqua, Duck.
Oh, as much as I hate crushed ice Oh-ho! That really hit the spot.
All right, Liquidator, make the water wet again, or I'll scoop you into Sno-Cones for the kids in the neighborhood.
[rumbling.]
You asked for it.
You got it.
Wet water! Quick, into the sewer.
Everybody knows active bodies get thirstier quicker.
[panting.]
We've got to find a way out.
Hey, I dropped this today.
I know where we are.
Hey! What do you know, a Pinckney flange.
Three-quarter, too.
[rumbling.]
All my cash flow's down the drain unless I get a little water flow.
Pronto! [rumbling.]
Keen gear! Spot me a cold one, Gos? Uh-uh.
Two dollars, please.
Ah, two dollars.
A girl after my own heart.
But watch how a seasoned pro operates.
[water creatures squawking.]
Let's get dangerous.
Get away from me, you slimy little drips.
Take her back to the factory.
I could use another enterprising individual in my organization.
Fat chance, Mr.
Waterhead.
Yeah.
Fat chance, Mr.
Waterhead.
Concrete, shmoncrete.
The Liquidator continues going mile after mile.
[creaking.]
Of course, mileage may vary.
This could be a little harder than you thought.
Try to kidnap me, will ya? Eat sneaker! You're right, Binkie.
It does make a nice centerpiece.
Mr.
Mallard, sir, could I get a few shots of your plumbing spectacular for our special swimsuit issue? Hm? Go right ahead, my good man.
Model sprinkler system, Mr.
Fix-It.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I couldn't have done it without that Pinckney flange.
Or my old pal, Liquy.
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck