Darkwing Duck (1991) s01e53 Episode Script
Stressed to Kill
# Daring duck of mystery Champion of right # Swoops out of the shadows Darkwing owns the night # Somewhere some villain schemes But his number's up # Darkwing Duck When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing, Darkwing Duck # Cloud of smoke and he appears # Master of surprise # Who's that cunning mind behind that shadowy disguise? # Nobody knows for sure But bad guys are out of luck # 'Cause here comes - # Darkwing Duck - # Look out! # When there's trouble you call DW # Darkwing Duck # Let's get dangerous # Darkwing Duck # Better watch out, you bad boys # Darkwing Duck # Oh! I can't believe this! Eh, what's the matter, DW? Lose another game of Whiffle Boy? No, it's the daily crime report.
And this is the worst report I've ever seen! A regular crime wave, eh, DW? I wish.
There hasn't been a single crime all day.
- [Launchpad.]
Isn't that a good thing? - Not for a crime fighter.
Why, without a crime to fight, I'm I'm I'm I'm doodley-squat.
[groaning.]
There must be a crime somewhere.
[Launchpad.]
Gee, I don't know, DW.
The city looks real quiet to me.
And I was just reading that, "It's a quiet town that calms you down.
" Let me see that.
Stress Busters: How to Relax in a Hurry, Sounds like a real work of genius.
Yeah, I thought so too, DW.
- Wanna read it? - Don't be ridiculous.
I'm perfectly relaxed.
Let's find a crime, any crime.
Big crime, little crime.
White-collar crime.
Any crime! Ah-ha! Broken glass in front of Gumbert's Candy Store.
Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Ah-ha.
Unless I miss my guess, I'd say a robbery has taken place here.
Now then, who did this dastardly deed? A cowboy and an Indian.
[grunting.]
Whatever happened to the common criminal? Say, for someone who's just been robbed, you seem awfully calm.
Well, you know.
What happens, happens.
[snoring.]
He's got a point, DW.
Stress Busters says, "You should accept the things you cannot change.
" Or is that, "Change the things you can't accept"? The only change I'm interested in is the change that was stolen out of that cash register! Whoa! [blabbering.]
- [crashing.]
- Hey, good idea, DW.
These spilled gumballs ought to lead us straight to the crooks.
[clears throat.]
Excuse me.
By any chance were you robbed by a cowboy and an Indian? A cowboy and an Indian? Don't be silly.
It was two pirates.
Two pirates, of course.
They didn't rob us, they wanted to try this new kind of bowling with A jackhammer, some marmalade, and a pack of wild panthers.
A pack of wild panthers? Right.
So we said okeydokey.
[Darkwing.]
Did you hear that, Launchpad? They said "okeydokey.
" [crashing.]
Shh.
What do you mean, "Shh"? [woman.]
They hate loud noises.
They? - [snarling.]
- [gulps.]
[snarling continues.]
Nice kitties.
Pretty kitties.
Hoo-hoo! [screaming, howling.]
Cowboys and Indians committing candy crimes? Pirates playing with panthers? And now, two circus clowns creating chaos across the city.
This case just gets crazier and crazier.
To be or not, I guess that's the question.
Anon we seize the stage to hear perform a play to lift your hearts and make them warm.
Quackerjack, this dressing up in costumes is getting boring.
Can't we do something a little more shocking? [zapping.]
[groans.]
Shush, Megavolt.
You'll spoil my little drama.
Strange, the trail led right into the Shubird Theater.
But ere our fine amusement may commence, we must collect your dollars and your cents.
Look, those aren't actors.
It's that crazed toymaker, Quackerjack.
And his super-charged pal, Megavolt.
Of course! They're behind this cockamamie crime wave.
Hold it right there, you thieving thespians! The citizens of St.
Canard won't stand for this sort of treatment.
Oh, we don't mind.
[all chattering in agreement.]
[man.]
Whatever, you know What is with you people?! The city is being robbed blind, and you act like nothing's happening.
So, like, what's your point? [moaning.]
Not so fast, evildoers.
My, my, aren't we in a huff.
Mr.
Bananabrain says, "Why don't you relax, Max?" Would everyone please stop telling me to relax?! I am relaxed.
I am relaxed! Whoopsie.
You really know how to bring down the house, Dipwing.
I'll bring you down.
Another electrifying performance, Megavolt.
- [tires squealing.]
- [Darkwing.]
Come back here [coughing.]
Uh-oh.
DW, looks like they got away.
And it's all my fault.
I overreacted.
Oh! A crime fighter should remain calm at all times.
Launchpad, the book.
"Stress Busters, chapter one.
The first step to tranquility - is plenty of exercise.
" - [man.]
Is plenty of exercise, And you can't beat a nice, peaceful jog, [dogs barking.]
Yes, nothing like a brisk jog through the neighborhood to chase those cares away, And, for true relaxation, a gentle massage will work wonders, Ah, just feel that tension being squeezed right out of you, Proper meditation techniques can open up shining new vistas of serenity, Simply close your eyes,,, [fly buzzing.]
,,,and focus on a restful image, such as a tropical island or a sunset, Any calming image will do nicely, A field of windswept flowers, a mountain stream, Oh, boy.
He must be reading chapter seven.
"Redecorating for relaxation.
" [panting.]
Doesn't look so relaxed to me.
[laughing maniacally.]
Shh! Shh, shh, shh.
It's a fly.
- Got him! - Dad, stop! Hee-yah! [both.]
Ouch.
[wheezes.]
Singed but triumphant.
[fly buzzing.]
[laughing maniacally.]
[blabbering.]
[stammers.]
I think maybe it's time that we read chapter 12, DW.
"Seeking professional help.
" [Quackerjack.]
My, my, my, my, my.
What a tense little puppy you are, no? Well, I think we can help you.
- I am Dr.
Heebie.
- And I am Dr.
Jeebie.
Say, you two look awfully familiar.
Ah! You are having déjà vu.
- This could be serious.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, we must first learn what is making you so tense.
Hmm Hmm Perhaps it is the violence of modern society, huh? - [screams.]
- [speaks German.]
Need to get him in touch with his inner child self.
Here.
Your reaction to this simple child's toy will help us to understand your problem.
[playing music.]
[snarling.]
So now we see what is eating you.
[laughing.]
Eating [grunting.]
[yelling.]
[panting.]
[tsking.]
Definitely tense.
You need to calm down.
Eureka! I know what would fix him, Dr.
Heebie.
He needs a little jolt from our Relaxitron.
Relaxitron? Of course! You're the ones turning everyone into zombies! You're Quackerjack and Megavolt! You got it, Banana Beak.
Hey, what are you? Let me go, you And guess who's next to get fried, Clyde? [yelling.]
[Quackerjack, Megavolt laughing.]
It's playtime! [up-tempo music plays on TV.]
Whoa! Must be some new kind of relaxation technique.
Keen gear! How'd you get so wiggly? [man on TV.]
Special,,, news bulletin, Two giant pumpkins snuck into the museum and forcibly borrowed some priceless Egyptian stuff, No big deal, really, Gee, DW, giant pumpkins! That must be Quackerjack and Megavolt in costume again.
They're too busy running the stress-free clinic.
[both.]
Quackerjack and Megavolt run the clinic?! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're the ones who gave me this Waddleman radio.
Just the thing to help you relax.
Ahhh Well, I've got just the thing to help you un-relax so you can go clobber those crooks.
Now, let's get mischievous.
He hates when I do this.
- Oh, now I'm mad.
- See? Phew! For a second there I thought I needed new batteries for my radio.
[humming melody.]
Oh! Da-da, da-da! It's the great toy pyramid.
A colossal tribute to St.
Canard's new law, the law of fun.
Got that right, Dwight.
And now that everybody's so carefree [laughs.]
we can have all the fun we want.
I am the terror Oh Then there's something about flapping, right? Right.
Now say something to strike fear in their hearts, DW.
- Wow, cool hats.
- Dad! Those are the bad guys.
You're supposed to foil them, not flatter them! Oh, getting upset, young lady? Well, we know how to cure that.
Meet Mr.
Relaxitron! - Yipe! - Yipe! Drat! My battery must be low.
- Oh, good going, Sparky.
- Don't call me Sparky! OK, OK, you asked for it.
Suck gas, evildoers.
Eww! Mmm.
Cajun-style pickle relish.
Ha! Come on! Let's go wreak some havoc - Sparky.
- [groaning.]
Don't call me Sparky! You put relish in the gas gun? Sure.
After all, even a relaxed crime fighter has to be prepared.
Prepared for what? A little snack.
Behold.
Crazy Kevin's classic cocktail weenies.
Yay! My favorite! Mmm, mmm.
Groovy.
Fabulous.
Well, what are you waiting for, Sparky? Hurry up and recharge your battery.
Don't call me Sparky! [yelling.]
Whoa! I needed that.
Well, I'm glad you got such a charge out of it, because you destroyed Mr.
Relaxitron.
Oh, terrific.
A blackout.
Now how are we supposed to see? Why don't you light a candle, Randall? [gasps.]
That's it! Thanks, Mr.
Bananabrain.
[making dinging and siren noises.]
There! Now we can see.
Nice shootin', Quacky.
[laughs.]
But isn't the fire engine supposed to spray water? Of course not, then it would be a water engine.
Um, do we have one of those? 'Cause I think we need it! Fire, fire! Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire! Oh, don't worry, it'll burn itself out.
[yelling.]
Oh, great.
I can see it in the history books now.
Hero twiddles while St.
Canard burns.
Oh, I suppose this could be a problem.
That wasn't so bad.
- It's Darkwing Duck! - We're saved! Oh, quick, do something! No problemo, - Yay! Yes! - Hurray! Hurray! After all, if there's one thing a fire is good for it's toasting Crazy Kevin's classic cocktail weenies.
You know, you really should try one.
Really.
You'll love them.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
[Quackerjack, Megavolt crying.]
[Quackerjack, Megavolt yelping.]
[Quackerjack, Megavolt yelping.]
[humming.]
Oh, we're getting our behinds barbecued, and all Darkwing Diner does is roast weenies.
Yeah, and we're supposed to be the crazy ones.
Well, you turned his brain into sponge cake, Jake.
[all exclaim.]
I'm really glad everyone's having such a good time, but why wasn't anyone putting out this fire?! - Put out the fire? - Of course.
- Why didn't you think of that? - Why didn't you think of that? [Megavolt.]
One fire going out.
Ta-da! Megavolt, superhero! Ta-da! Megavolt, super fool! Yeow! Hey, that's not funny.
[yelping.]
Uh, I don't suppose anybody has a boat on them.
Well, sure.
Why do you ask? Whoa! I gotta get me one of these rubber duckies.
[Gosalyn.]
Hey, wait for us! Oh, no! [yelling.]
Oh, a waterfall.
- How relaxing.
- Oh, no.
You've relaxed enough.
- Snap out of it! - Hey, no splashing.
I might short out.
Short out? That's it! Have a nice day.
[both shouting.]
What? Where? Who? When? Sometimes why? Whoa! [all screaming.]
Whoop! Ha-ha! The St.
Canard waterworks! [all grunting, groaning.]
Death by Jacuzzi! And all we wanted was to have a little fun.
Good, because the fun has just begun.
Now hand over a set of those toy teeth, Quackerjack.
Be careful, I just brushed them.
Now I'll just attach the teeth to your power cord, Megsie.
And voilà! Yipee-ki-yay! [all.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! [all straining.]
Look, way up there, the shut-off valve! Launchpad, do you still have your Stress Busters book? Right here, DW.
But this is no time to relax.
So who's gonna relax? What do you know? It worked.
Yeah, but look, Megavolt and Quackerjack are gettin' away.
You can never have too many rubber duckies.
Bye-bye, pallies.
Gotta leave, Steve.
No problem.
This is a job for Crazy Kevin's cocktail weenies.
Oh! Not the weenies again, Dad! Nope, the toothpick.
[both hollering.]
Well, I guess we can all relax now.
[moaning.]
As I was saying Too bad you used up all those classic cocktail weenies, DW.
They would've made the perfect picnic snack.
- Ahhh, what a life.
- You see, Dad, even you can relax.
You just gotta get your mind off of crime once in a while.
[Darkwing.]
You're right, Gos.
Ah-ha! A litterbug! This looks like a job for Dad! [stammers.]
I [laughs.]
A job for the city's clean-up crew.
Let's zap everyone in the city, you said.
Let's dress up like pirates, you said.
Hey, why don't you just relax, Sparky? Don't call me Sparky, and I am relaxed! I am relaxed! [screaming.]
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck
And this is the worst report I've ever seen! A regular crime wave, eh, DW? I wish.
There hasn't been a single crime all day.
- [Launchpad.]
Isn't that a good thing? - Not for a crime fighter.
Why, without a crime to fight, I'm I'm I'm I'm doodley-squat.
[groaning.]
There must be a crime somewhere.
[Launchpad.]
Gee, I don't know, DW.
The city looks real quiet to me.
And I was just reading that, "It's a quiet town that calms you down.
" Let me see that.
Stress Busters: How to Relax in a Hurry, Sounds like a real work of genius.
Yeah, I thought so too, DW.
- Wanna read it? - Don't be ridiculous.
I'm perfectly relaxed.
Let's find a crime, any crime.
Big crime, little crime.
White-collar crime.
Any crime! Ah-ha! Broken glass in front of Gumbert's Candy Store.
Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Ah-ha.
Unless I miss my guess, I'd say a robbery has taken place here.
Now then, who did this dastardly deed? A cowboy and an Indian.
[grunting.]
Whatever happened to the common criminal? Say, for someone who's just been robbed, you seem awfully calm.
Well, you know.
What happens, happens.
[snoring.]
He's got a point, DW.
Stress Busters says, "You should accept the things you cannot change.
" Or is that, "Change the things you can't accept"? The only change I'm interested in is the change that was stolen out of that cash register! Whoa! [blabbering.]
- [crashing.]
- Hey, good idea, DW.
These spilled gumballs ought to lead us straight to the crooks.
[clears throat.]
Excuse me.
By any chance were you robbed by a cowboy and an Indian? A cowboy and an Indian? Don't be silly.
It was two pirates.
Two pirates, of course.
They didn't rob us, they wanted to try this new kind of bowling with A jackhammer, some marmalade, and a pack of wild panthers.
A pack of wild panthers? Right.
So we said okeydokey.
[Darkwing.]
Did you hear that, Launchpad? They said "okeydokey.
" [crashing.]
Shh.
What do you mean, "Shh"? [woman.]
They hate loud noises.
They? - [snarling.]
- [gulps.]
[snarling continues.]
Nice kitties.
Pretty kitties.
Hoo-hoo! [screaming, howling.]
Cowboys and Indians committing candy crimes? Pirates playing with panthers? And now, two circus clowns creating chaos across the city.
This case just gets crazier and crazier.
To be or not, I guess that's the question.
Anon we seize the stage to hear perform a play to lift your hearts and make them warm.
Quackerjack, this dressing up in costumes is getting boring.
Can't we do something a little more shocking? [zapping.]
[groans.]
Shush, Megavolt.
You'll spoil my little drama.
Strange, the trail led right into the Shubird Theater.
But ere our fine amusement may commence, we must collect your dollars and your cents.
Look, those aren't actors.
It's that crazed toymaker, Quackerjack.
And his super-charged pal, Megavolt.
Of course! They're behind this cockamamie crime wave.
Hold it right there, you thieving thespians! The citizens of St.
Canard won't stand for this sort of treatment.
Oh, we don't mind.
[all chattering in agreement.]
[man.]
Whatever, you know What is with you people?! The city is being robbed blind, and you act like nothing's happening.
So, like, what's your point? [moaning.]
Not so fast, evildoers.
My, my, aren't we in a huff.
Mr.
Bananabrain says, "Why don't you relax, Max?" Would everyone please stop telling me to relax?! I am relaxed.
I am relaxed! Whoopsie.
You really know how to bring down the house, Dipwing.
I'll bring you down.
Another electrifying performance, Megavolt.
- [tires squealing.]
- [Darkwing.]
Come back here [coughing.]
Uh-oh.
DW, looks like they got away.
And it's all my fault.
I overreacted.
Oh! A crime fighter should remain calm at all times.
Launchpad, the book.
"Stress Busters, chapter one.
The first step to tranquility - is plenty of exercise.
" - [man.]
Is plenty of exercise, And you can't beat a nice, peaceful jog, [dogs barking.]
Yes, nothing like a brisk jog through the neighborhood to chase those cares away, And, for true relaxation, a gentle massage will work wonders, Ah, just feel that tension being squeezed right out of you, Proper meditation techniques can open up shining new vistas of serenity, Simply close your eyes,,, [fly buzzing.]
,,,and focus on a restful image, such as a tropical island or a sunset, Any calming image will do nicely, A field of windswept flowers, a mountain stream, Oh, boy.
He must be reading chapter seven.
"Redecorating for relaxation.
" [panting.]
Doesn't look so relaxed to me.
[laughing maniacally.]
Shh! Shh, shh, shh.
It's a fly.
- Got him! - Dad, stop! Hee-yah! [both.]
Ouch.
[wheezes.]
Singed but triumphant.
[fly buzzing.]
[laughing maniacally.]
[blabbering.]
[stammers.]
I think maybe it's time that we read chapter 12, DW.
"Seeking professional help.
" [Quackerjack.]
My, my, my, my, my.
What a tense little puppy you are, no? Well, I think we can help you.
- I am Dr.
Heebie.
- And I am Dr.
Jeebie.
Say, you two look awfully familiar.
Ah! You are having déjà vu.
- This could be serious.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, we must first learn what is making you so tense.
Hmm Hmm Perhaps it is the violence of modern society, huh? - [screams.]
- [speaks German.]
Need to get him in touch with his inner child self.
Here.
Your reaction to this simple child's toy will help us to understand your problem.
[playing music.]
[snarling.]
So now we see what is eating you.
[laughing.]
Eating [grunting.]
[yelling.]
[panting.]
[tsking.]
Definitely tense.
You need to calm down.
Eureka! I know what would fix him, Dr.
Heebie.
He needs a little jolt from our Relaxitron.
Relaxitron? Of course! You're the ones turning everyone into zombies! You're Quackerjack and Megavolt! You got it, Banana Beak.
Hey, what are you? Let me go, you And guess who's next to get fried, Clyde? [yelling.]
[Quackerjack, Megavolt laughing.]
It's playtime! [up-tempo music plays on TV.]
Whoa! Must be some new kind of relaxation technique.
Keen gear! How'd you get so wiggly? [man on TV.]
Special,,, news bulletin, Two giant pumpkins snuck into the museum and forcibly borrowed some priceless Egyptian stuff, No big deal, really, Gee, DW, giant pumpkins! That must be Quackerjack and Megavolt in costume again.
They're too busy running the stress-free clinic.
[both.]
Quackerjack and Megavolt run the clinic?! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're the ones who gave me this Waddleman radio.
Just the thing to help you relax.
Ahhh Well, I've got just the thing to help you un-relax so you can go clobber those crooks.
Now, let's get mischievous.
He hates when I do this.
- Oh, now I'm mad.
- See? Phew! For a second there I thought I needed new batteries for my radio.
[humming melody.]
Oh! Da-da, da-da! It's the great toy pyramid.
A colossal tribute to St.
Canard's new law, the law of fun.
Got that right, Dwight.
And now that everybody's so carefree [laughs.]
we can have all the fun we want.
I am the terror Oh Then there's something about flapping, right? Right.
Now say something to strike fear in their hearts, DW.
- Wow, cool hats.
- Dad! Those are the bad guys.
You're supposed to foil them, not flatter them! Oh, getting upset, young lady? Well, we know how to cure that.
Meet Mr.
Relaxitron! - Yipe! - Yipe! Drat! My battery must be low.
- Oh, good going, Sparky.
- Don't call me Sparky! OK, OK, you asked for it.
Suck gas, evildoers.
Eww! Mmm.
Cajun-style pickle relish.
Ha! Come on! Let's go wreak some havoc - Sparky.
- [groaning.]
Don't call me Sparky! You put relish in the gas gun? Sure.
After all, even a relaxed crime fighter has to be prepared.
Prepared for what? A little snack.
Behold.
Crazy Kevin's classic cocktail weenies.
Yay! My favorite! Mmm, mmm.
Groovy.
Fabulous.
Well, what are you waiting for, Sparky? Hurry up and recharge your battery.
Don't call me Sparky! [yelling.]
Whoa! I needed that.
Well, I'm glad you got such a charge out of it, because you destroyed Mr.
Relaxitron.
Oh, terrific.
A blackout.
Now how are we supposed to see? Why don't you light a candle, Randall? [gasps.]
That's it! Thanks, Mr.
Bananabrain.
[making dinging and siren noises.]
There! Now we can see.
Nice shootin', Quacky.
[laughs.]
But isn't the fire engine supposed to spray water? Of course not, then it would be a water engine.
Um, do we have one of those? 'Cause I think we need it! Fire, fire! Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire! Oh, don't worry, it'll burn itself out.
[yelling.]
Oh, great.
I can see it in the history books now.
Hero twiddles while St.
Canard burns.
Oh, I suppose this could be a problem.
That wasn't so bad.
- It's Darkwing Duck! - We're saved! Oh, quick, do something! No problemo, - Yay! Yes! - Hurray! Hurray! After all, if there's one thing a fire is good for it's toasting Crazy Kevin's classic cocktail weenies.
You know, you really should try one.
Really.
You'll love them.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
[Quackerjack, Megavolt crying.]
[Quackerjack, Megavolt yelping.]
[Quackerjack, Megavolt yelping.]
[humming.]
Oh, we're getting our behinds barbecued, and all Darkwing Diner does is roast weenies.
Yeah, and we're supposed to be the crazy ones.
Well, you turned his brain into sponge cake, Jake.
[all exclaim.]
I'm really glad everyone's having such a good time, but why wasn't anyone putting out this fire?! - Put out the fire? - Of course.
- Why didn't you think of that? - Why didn't you think of that? [Megavolt.]
One fire going out.
Ta-da! Megavolt, superhero! Ta-da! Megavolt, super fool! Yeow! Hey, that's not funny.
[yelping.]
Uh, I don't suppose anybody has a boat on them.
Well, sure.
Why do you ask? Whoa! I gotta get me one of these rubber duckies.
[Gosalyn.]
Hey, wait for us! Oh, no! [yelling.]
Oh, a waterfall.
- How relaxing.
- Oh, no.
You've relaxed enough.
- Snap out of it! - Hey, no splashing.
I might short out.
Short out? That's it! Have a nice day.
[both shouting.]
What? Where? Who? When? Sometimes why? Whoa! [all screaming.]
Whoop! Ha-ha! The St.
Canard waterworks! [all grunting, groaning.]
Death by Jacuzzi! And all we wanted was to have a little fun.
Good, because the fun has just begun.
Now hand over a set of those toy teeth, Quackerjack.
Be careful, I just brushed them.
Now I'll just attach the teeth to your power cord, Megsie.
And voilà! Yipee-ki-yay! [all.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! [all straining.]
Look, way up there, the shut-off valve! Launchpad, do you still have your Stress Busters book? Right here, DW.
But this is no time to relax.
So who's gonna relax? What do you know? It worked.
Yeah, but look, Megavolt and Quackerjack are gettin' away.
You can never have too many rubber duckies.
Bye-bye, pallies.
Gotta leave, Steve.
No problem.
This is a job for Crazy Kevin's cocktail weenies.
Oh! Not the weenies again, Dad! Nope, the toothpick.
[both hollering.]
Well, I guess we can all relax now.
[moaning.]
As I was saying Too bad you used up all those classic cocktail weenies, DW.
They would've made the perfect picnic snack.
- Ahhh, what a life.
- You see, Dad, even you can relax.
You just gotta get your mind off of crime once in a while.
[Darkwing.]
You're right, Gos.
Ah-ha! A litterbug! This looks like a job for Dad! [stammers.]
I [laughs.]
A job for the city's clean-up crew.
Let's zap everyone in the city, you said.
Let's dress up like pirates, you said.
Hey, why don't you just relax, Sparky? Don't call me Sparky, and I am relaxed! I am relaxed! [screaming.]
# Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck # Darkwing Duck