Dating Rules From My Future Self (2012) s01e02 Episode Script
Chapter Two: What Is Luv?
WHAT DO YOU WANT? - MAYBE THE TERIYAKI? - HUMMUS PLATE.
CHEW, CHEW, CHEW, CHEW.
YEAH.
SO, HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR PARENTS, LUCY? - ABOUT? - OH, THE ENGAGEMENT.
I'VE JUST BEEN SO BUSY, I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO THINK.
BUT I AM, YES, OBVIOUSLY GONNA TELL THEM.
UNLESS I TELL THEM FIRST.
AH.
- AH.
- NO, I'M JUST TEASING.
NO, SERIOUSLY, I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW.
I LOVE HER SO MUCH, ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE'S NOT ON HER PHONE.
SORRY.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT? - WHAT?! - NO, MOM.
MOM, THAT WAS A JOKE.
BUT YOU DO WANT KIDS, RIGHT? 'CAUSE NEVER TOO EARLY TO START PRACTICING.
- AH? - OH.
- BOOM! AH.
- DAD.
- WHAT? - I'M THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE.
UH, IS WORK STRESSING YOU OUT, DEAR? IS THAT WHY YOU LOOK SO TIRED? YEAH.
NO! NO.
EV-- EVERYTHING'S FINE.
WHAT'S THERE TO BE STRESSED OUT ABOUT? - SHE TESTS VIDEO GAMES.
- THEY'RE APPS, DAD.
THEY'RE CALLED APPS.
RIGHT, THE -- FOR HANDHELD DEVICES.
HANDHELD DEVICES.
I HAVE A HANDHELD DEVICE RIGHT HERE.
CAN YOU EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SECOND? ARE YOU SURE SHE'S NOT PREGNANT? WHAT THE "F" IS GOING ON? "REMEMBER YOUR DECISION MAKER APP?" OKAY.
YOU MEAN THAT I ACTUALLY MAKE IT? OKAY, AND AFTER THAT I GO ON TO CREATE A TIME TRAVEL TEXTING TECHNOLOGY.
RIGHT.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M A GENIUS IN THE FUTURE.
IS SOMEONE IN THERE? OKAY, YOU'RE TELLING ME I CREATE A WAY TO CHANGE HISTORY AND I DON'T USE I TO CURE CANCER OR END FAMINE, BUT TO NAG MYSELF ABOUT MY DATING LIFE.
HOW IS THAT WORTH RISKING THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM? LOOK, I AM KIND OF HAVING A, UH A "BLACK SWAN" MOMENT HERE, SO PLEASE GO AWAY! - LUCE.
LUCY! - HEY.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SORRY, NO, I WAS JUST DEALING WITH THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE -- YOU KNOW, CRAMPS, TAMPONS, YEAST INFECTIONS.
LISTEN, WE'RE HERE CELEBRATING OUR ENGAGEMENT, RIGHT? SO TURN OFF THE PHONE AND COME BACK TO THE TABLE.
NO? DO YOU WANT TO MARRY YOUR PHONE? IS THA EVEN LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA? FORGET IT.
I CAN SEE YOU MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE? I MEAN, THERE'S NO STANDARD DEFINITION, SO WHO'S TO SAY WHAT LOVE REALLY IS? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU LAST NIGHT? YOU TURNED YOUR PHONE OFF.
YOU'RE WEIRDLY PHILOSOPHICAL.
AND -- OH, GOD.
DON'T TELL ME HIS DAD TRIED TO GRAB YOUR ASS AGAIN? I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU HAVE A MANIFESTATION OF SELF-DISCOVERY BROUGHT ON BY HAVING TO CONFRON YOUR FUTURE IN-LAWS.
OR DID HIS DAD GRAB YOUR ASS AGAIN? HEY, YOU GUYS, I JUST -- I NEED YOUR HELP, OKAY? ALL RIGHT, I'LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION AS SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN IN LOVE, LIKE, A LOT.
LOVE IS -- IT'S A WHISPER IN YOUR HEART, BUT THEN SOMETIMES IT JUST -- AAH! IT SCREAMS! WHEN YOU FIRST MET BRENDAN, WAS IT LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? 'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN THAT.
THAT GUY OVER THERE I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW.
HE PROBABLY SAW YOU CLAWING THE TABLE LIKE A SEX ADDICT.
HEY.
SOMETHING NEW I'M TRYING HERE.
IT'S ITALIAN DOUGHNUTS.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A BISMARCK AND A CREAM HORN.
YOU ARE HO WHEN YOU TALK PASTRY.
OH, DAVE, FROM A GUY'S PERSPECTIVE, CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO US, YOU KNOW, WHAT LOVE IS AND HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN IT? AMANDA.
- WHAT'S GOING ON? - NOTHING.
YOU'RE GETTING COLD FEET.
OH, I'M SURPRISED BY YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, PASTRY BOY.
WELL, I GOT FOUR SISTERS.
I KIND OF GOT USED TO DECODING THE DRAMA.
OOH, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND DECODE SISTER LUCY? ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'D SAY THAT BRENDAN IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING YOU ARE.
OKAY, WELL, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT.
DID YOU KNOW THA HE TRIED PROPOSING TO YOU SIX TIMES IN PARIS -- TWICE ON THE RIVERBOAT TOUR -- AND HE GOT SO NERVOUS THAT HE VOMITED? - AWW.
- PATHETIC.
I THOUGH HE JUST GOT SEASICK.
NO, BRENDAN NEVER GETS NERVOUS.
DUDES ARE PEOPLE, TOO.
YOU'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
TRY THOSE DOUGHNUTS.
THANK YOU.
I MEAN, HE'S RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN SO HARD ON BRENDAN, AND I'M THE DOUCHE BAG.
HE PUKED IN THE SEINE, AND I DIDN'T EVEN GIVE HIM A PROPER "YES.
" NO, I -- I'VE GOT TO GO.
DO YOU THINK THAT SHE LOVES HIM OR NOT? WELL, I JUST REALIZED THAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK OU WITH BRENDAN, WE LOSE OUR CONNECTION TO DAVE, HENCE OUR CONNECTION TO FREE FOOD.
SO NOW I'M TORN.
CAN I BORROW YOUR SALT? TOTALLY.
I'M GONNA TAKE YOURS.
PLEASE SAY A COMMAND.
READ TEXT.
YOU WANTED SOMEONE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.
I'M TELLING YOU YOU'RE MAKING THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF OUR LIVES.
TEXT UNKNOWN.
TEXTING UNKNOWN.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT YOU HAVE FAILED TO PROVE THAT YOU ARE ME BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE -- I AM IN LOVE.
SO GO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE TO DRIVE CRAZY, BECAUSE I AM NOT CRAZY.
OH.
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER THAT FIRST? YOU HAVE BEEN SO PATIENT WITH ME, AND I HAVE BEEN SO SELF-ABSORBED, ONLY THINKING ABOU MY FUTURE SELF -- MYSELF, MY CURRENT, PRESENT-DAY SELF.
BUT I LOVE YOU.
SO, YES.
I SAY YES.
LET'S DO THIS.
AND BY "THIS," YOU MEAN SEX, RIGHT? 'CAUSE THERE'S AN OPEN JANITOR'S CLOSET, AND I HAVE ABOUT THREE MINUTES BEFORE MY MEETING.
CHEW, CHEW, CHEW, CHEW.
YEAH.
SO, HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR PARENTS, LUCY? - ABOUT? - OH, THE ENGAGEMENT.
I'VE JUST BEEN SO BUSY, I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO THINK.
BUT I AM, YES, OBVIOUSLY GONNA TELL THEM.
UNLESS I TELL THEM FIRST.
AH.
- AH.
- NO, I'M JUST TEASING.
NO, SERIOUSLY, I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW.
I LOVE HER SO MUCH, ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE'S NOT ON HER PHONE.
SORRY.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT? - WHAT?! - NO, MOM.
MOM, THAT WAS A JOKE.
BUT YOU DO WANT KIDS, RIGHT? 'CAUSE NEVER TOO EARLY TO START PRACTICING.
- AH? - OH.
- BOOM! AH.
- DAD.
- WHAT? - I'M THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE.
UH, IS WORK STRESSING YOU OUT, DEAR? IS THAT WHY YOU LOOK SO TIRED? YEAH.
NO! NO.
EV-- EVERYTHING'S FINE.
WHAT'S THERE TO BE STRESSED OUT ABOUT? - SHE TESTS VIDEO GAMES.
- THEY'RE APPS, DAD.
THEY'RE CALLED APPS.
RIGHT, THE -- FOR HANDHELD DEVICES.
HANDHELD DEVICES.
I HAVE A HANDHELD DEVICE RIGHT HERE.
CAN YOU EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SECOND? ARE YOU SURE SHE'S NOT PREGNANT? WHAT THE "F" IS GOING ON? "REMEMBER YOUR DECISION MAKER APP?" OKAY.
YOU MEAN THAT I ACTUALLY MAKE IT? OKAY, AND AFTER THAT I GO ON TO CREATE A TIME TRAVEL TEXTING TECHNOLOGY.
RIGHT.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M A GENIUS IN THE FUTURE.
IS SOMEONE IN THERE? OKAY, YOU'RE TELLING ME I CREATE A WAY TO CHANGE HISTORY AND I DON'T USE I TO CURE CANCER OR END FAMINE, BUT TO NAG MYSELF ABOUT MY DATING LIFE.
HOW IS THAT WORTH RISKING THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM? LOOK, I AM KIND OF HAVING A, UH A "BLACK SWAN" MOMENT HERE, SO PLEASE GO AWAY! - LUCE.
LUCY! - HEY.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SORRY, NO, I WAS JUST DEALING WITH THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE -- YOU KNOW, CRAMPS, TAMPONS, YEAST INFECTIONS.
LISTEN, WE'RE HERE CELEBRATING OUR ENGAGEMENT, RIGHT? SO TURN OFF THE PHONE AND COME BACK TO THE TABLE.
NO? DO YOU WANT TO MARRY YOUR PHONE? IS THA EVEN LEGAL IN CALIFORNIA? FORGET IT.
I CAN SEE YOU MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE? I MEAN, THERE'S NO STANDARD DEFINITION, SO WHO'S TO SAY WHAT LOVE REALLY IS? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU LAST NIGHT? YOU TURNED YOUR PHONE OFF.
YOU'RE WEIRDLY PHILOSOPHICAL.
AND -- OH, GOD.
DON'T TELL ME HIS DAD TRIED TO GRAB YOUR ASS AGAIN? I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
YOU HAVE A MANIFESTATION OF SELF-DISCOVERY BROUGHT ON BY HAVING TO CONFRON YOUR FUTURE IN-LAWS.
OR DID HIS DAD GRAB YOUR ASS AGAIN? HEY, YOU GUYS, I JUST -- I NEED YOUR HELP, OKAY? ALL RIGHT, I'LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION AS SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN IN LOVE, LIKE, A LOT.
LOVE IS -- IT'S A WHISPER IN YOUR HEART, BUT THEN SOMETIMES IT JUST -- AAH! IT SCREAMS! WHEN YOU FIRST MET BRENDAN, WAS IT LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? 'CAUSE I BELIEVE IN THAT.
THAT GUY OVER THERE I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW.
HE PROBABLY SAW YOU CLAWING THE TABLE LIKE A SEX ADDICT.
HEY.
SOMETHING NEW I'M TRYING HERE.
IT'S ITALIAN DOUGHNUTS.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN A BISMARCK AND A CREAM HORN.
YOU ARE HO WHEN YOU TALK PASTRY.
OH, DAVE, FROM A GUY'S PERSPECTIVE, CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO US, YOU KNOW, WHAT LOVE IS AND HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN IT? AMANDA.
- WHAT'S GOING ON? - NOTHING.
YOU'RE GETTING COLD FEET.
OH, I'M SURPRISED BY YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, PASTRY BOY.
WELL, I GOT FOUR SISTERS.
I KIND OF GOT USED TO DECODING THE DRAMA.
OOH, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND DECODE SISTER LUCY? ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'D SAY THAT BRENDAN IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING YOU ARE.
OKAY, WELL, I SERIOUSLY DOUBT THAT.
DID YOU KNOW THA HE TRIED PROPOSING TO YOU SIX TIMES IN PARIS -- TWICE ON THE RIVERBOAT TOUR -- AND HE GOT SO NERVOUS THAT HE VOMITED? - AWW.
- PATHETIC.
I THOUGH HE JUST GOT SEASICK.
NO, BRENDAN NEVER GETS NERVOUS.
DUDES ARE PEOPLE, TOO.
YOU'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
TRY THOSE DOUGHNUTS.
THANK YOU.
I MEAN, HE'S RIGHT.
I'VE BEEN SO HARD ON BRENDAN, AND I'M THE DOUCHE BAG.
HE PUKED IN THE SEINE, AND I DIDN'T EVEN GIVE HIM A PROPER "YES.
" NO, I -- I'VE GOT TO GO.
DO YOU THINK THAT SHE LOVES HIM OR NOT? WELL, I JUST REALIZED THAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK OU WITH BRENDAN, WE LOSE OUR CONNECTION TO DAVE, HENCE OUR CONNECTION TO FREE FOOD.
SO NOW I'M TORN.
CAN I BORROW YOUR SALT? TOTALLY.
I'M GONNA TAKE YOURS.
PLEASE SAY A COMMAND.
READ TEXT.
YOU WANTED SOMEONE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.
I'M TELLING YOU YOU'RE MAKING THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF OUR LIVES.
TEXT UNKNOWN.
TEXTING UNKNOWN.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT YOU HAVE FAILED TO PROVE THAT YOU ARE ME BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE -- I AM IN LOVE.
SO GO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE TO DRIVE CRAZY, BECAUSE I AM NOT CRAZY.
OH.
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER THAT FIRST? YOU HAVE BEEN SO PATIENT WITH ME, AND I HAVE BEEN SO SELF-ABSORBED, ONLY THINKING ABOU MY FUTURE SELF -- MYSELF, MY CURRENT, PRESENT-DAY SELF.
BUT I LOVE YOU.
SO, YES.
I SAY YES.
LET'S DO THIS.
AND BY "THIS," YOU MEAN SEX, RIGHT? 'CAUSE THERE'S AN OPEN JANITOR'S CLOSET, AND I HAVE ABOUT THREE MINUTES BEFORE MY MEETING.