Dating Rules From My Future Self (2012) s01e04 Episode Script
Chapter Four: Change Yrself
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ WHISTLING MUSICALLY .]
[ ALARM CLOCK BEEPING .]
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS .]
Kelcey: THAT BETTER NOT BE BRENDAN.
Lucy: [ GASPS .]
Kelcey: AMANDA PUT ME ON WATCH SO YOU WOULDN'T CALL HIM IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS.
Lucy: [ SIGHS .]
Amanda: HEY, GUYS! WE'RE CLEANSING! Lucy: WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW? Amanda: THE FIRST 48 HOURS -- HERE -- AFTER A BREAKUP ARE THE MOST VULNERABLE.
TO AVOID RELAPSE, YOU AND I CAN'T WALLOW.
Kelcey: "YOU AND I"? Amanda: NO MORE OF THIS OR THIS.
DONE.
DO YOU GET IT? CLEANSING.
CLEAN.
I JUST TALKED TO JAGGER.
THINGS ARE OVER BETWEEN US.
Lucy: YOU WERE DATING FOR TWO DAYS.
Kelcey: DID YOU EVEN KNOW HIS LAST NAME? Amanda: I JUST FELT -- I DON'T KNOW -- SUFFOCATED.
YOU GUYS! [ SQUEALS .]
YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE ALL BEEN SINGLE TOGETHER SINCE COLLEGE.
I WASN'T GONNA MISS IT.
TO LUCY.
[ ALL SLURPING .]
Kelcey: WHAT IS THIS? Lucy: IT'S SWEET PICKLES.
YUM.
YOU KNOW THE LAST TIME WE HAD TUB TIME WAS WHEN KELCEY DUMPED THAT GUY WHO WORKED AT THE WHOLE FOODS COUNTER? WHAT WAS HIS NAME? Lucy: OH, THE "GOUDA BUDDHA.
" Kelcey: WHAT A MISTAKE.
NEVER SEVERE A CONNECTION TO FREE FOOD.
Amanda: UGH.
Lucy: OH, NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT.
I MEAN, WHAT IF I MISS HIS SCENT? Amanda: CARIBBEAN SPIRIT? Kelcey: GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.
I WANT TO DELETE HIS NUMBER.
Lucy: NO, I CAN JUST RE-LABEL HIM "DO NOT ANSWER.
" Amanda: THAT DOESN'T WORK, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.
TRUST ME.
Kelcey: YEAH, YOU GOT TO COME UP WITH A NASTIER NICKNAME, LIKE "VENEREAL DISEASE" OR "HERPES HARVESTER.
" YOU WON'T ANSWER THAT CALL.
Amanda: [ Chuckling .]
YEAH.
WHAT IS THAT? Lucy: OH.
IT'S BRENDAN'S PONYTAIL.
Amanda: UGH.
Lucy: YEAH, HE CUT IT OFF BECAUSE WE WERE ON THIS DATE AND THE WAITRESS CAME OVER AND SHE WAS LIKE, "HEY, LADIES.
" Amanda: AWW.
AND YOU KEPT IT.
WHAT ABOUT STUFF FROM WORK? Lucy: YEAH, THERE'S NOT MUCH, JUST, YOU KNOW, SOME PHOTOS AND, YOU KNOW, BRENDAN HIMSELF.
I GUESS I'LL JUST QUI ON MONDAY.
Amanda: NO.
YOU ARE NOT QUITTING.
YOU HAVE TO FACE YOUR DEMONS, LUCE.
PUT ON SOMETHING COMFY, AND WE ARE TAKING YOU TO BRUNCH.
Kelcey: OOH, FOOD.
Lucy: [ SIGHS .]
Kelcey: WOW, YOU HAVE REALLY GIVEN UP.
Lucy: YOU SAID DRESS COMFY.
Amanda: AND THAT YOU DID.
[ CHUCKLES .]
Kelcey: LET'S GET A MOVE ON.
SO, LUCY, DON'T FREAK OUT.
Lucy: WHY WOULD I FREAK OUT? Amanda: WHEN YOU GO BACK TO WORK MONDAY, YOU NEED TO START FRESH, SO WE'RE JUST GONNA STOP BY YOUR OFFICE, CLEANSE YOUR CUBICLE.
Lucy: TURN AROUND.
Amanda: IT'S SATURDAY.
NO ONE'S GONNA BE THERE.
Lucy: THIS IS PAR OF YOUR CLEANSING PROGRAM -- FORCING ME TO GO BACK TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME? Amanda: YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED? A GOOD BREAKUP SONG, LIKE -- I WILL SURVIVE Kelcey: UGH.
YOU WON'T SURVIVE IF YOU PUT THAT ON.
WE NEED PANTERA.
GIRL NEEDS TO RAGE! [ COMPUTER DINGS .]
Woman: PLEASE SAY A COMMAND.
Kelcey: PLAY ARTIST -- PANTERA.
Amanda: PLAY SONG "I WILL SURVIVE.
" Woman: I DID NOT UNDERSTAND YOU.
PLEASE TRY AGAIN.
-Kelcey: PANTERA.
-Amanda: "PIECE OF MY HEART"! -Kelcey: PANTERA! -Amanda: "GO YOUR OWN WAY"! Kelcey: PANTERA! [ MURMURING .]
Amanda: PLAY SONG -- "B4 I GET 2 YOU"! [ MISS AMANI'S "B4 I GET 2 ONE" PLAYS .]
-FINALLY.
THANK YOU.
- UH-OH, DID I JUST SCARE YOU -Kelcey: I DO LOVE THIS SONG.
- TALK NOW YOU KNOW I DARE YOU YOU KNEW THAT YOU HAD THIS COMING Amanda: COME ON, LUCE.
AND THOUGHT I'D DO NOTHING, BUT NOW IS THE TIME WHILE MY FRIENDS THEY HATED YOU I JUST KEPT DEFENDING YOU NOW YOU BRING THIS ATTITUDE MAYBE IT WAS TRUE, I'M TOO GOOD FOR YOU WHOA-OH-OH Kelcey: WHEN YOUR BOSSES CHOSE TO NAME THE COMPANY "fingergames," DID THEY THINK ABOUT HOW MASTURBATORY IT SOUNDS? Amanda: KELCEY, FOCUS.
Kelcey: I MEAN, WHAT'S THE COMPANY MOTTO -- "PLAY WITH YOURSELF"? KEEP IT MOVING.
Amanda: WHOA.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE MUCH STUFF.
IT'S OKAY.
JUST START TOSSING.
COME ON.
Kelcey: CHECK THIS OUT.
WOW, THERE REALLY IS SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE.
Lucy: YOU KNOW, WHAT IF BRENDAN IS MY SOMEONE? YOU KNOW, MAYBE I NEED HIM TO PUSH ME, TO MAKE ME GROW SO I'M NOT ALONE IN 10 YEARS.
Amanda: OKAY, YOU'RE GETTING MUSHY.
COME ON.
NO MUSH.
NO MUSH.
[ GASPS .]
WE HAVE A SITUATION.
Lucy: [ GASPS .]
OH, MY GOD, WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? THIS IS SATURDAY.
HE NEVER WORKS ON SATURDAYS.
Kelcey: DON'T WORRY.
HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE.
WE'LL JUST SNEAK OU THE BACK DOOR.
Amanda: YEAH.
Lucy: NO, THERE IS NO BACK DOOR.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY OUT.
Kelcey: WELL, THE FIRE MARSHAL WOULD NOT APPROVE.
Amanda: WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WALK PAST.
Kelcey: BRENDAN.
Amanda: BRENDAN.
Brendan: LUCY! HEY! LUCY.
-Lucy: HI.
-Brendan: HI.
Lucy: HI.
Brendan: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? -Amanda: WE'RE WALKING.
-Lucy: WALKING.
Brendan: I TRIED TO CALL YOU.
Kelcey: THAT'S FUNNY.
THE ONLY MISSED CALLS SHE'S GOTTEN WERE FROM "MR.
GONORRHEA PANTS.
" Brendan: OKAY, CAN I TALK TO LUCY WITHOUT THE ROOMMATE POSSE? Amanda: WHY? SO YOU CAN CALL HER "CHILDISH"? Brendan: YEAH, I SHOULDN' HAVE CALLED YOU "CHILDISH.
" OBVIOUSLY I'VE BEEN STRESSED WITH WORK.
ALL RIGHT? I'M NOT SLEEPING.
I MISS SLEEPING NEXT TO YOU.
Kelcey: WELL, SHE'S SLEEPING NEXT TO ME NOW.
Amanda: NOT LIKE IT SOUNDS.
Brendan: ALL RIGHT, JUST BACK OFF.
Lucy: YOU KNOW WHAT, GIRLS? HE'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, I AM CHILDISH.
I PUT SUGAR IN MY CEREAL, AND I WEAR P.
J.
s WHEN I'M CRANKY.
I WEAR MONSTER FEET.
Kelcey: WHEN I'M NOT WEARING THEM.
Lucy: AND I HOLD ON TO THINGS FOR CHILDISH REASONS.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY .]
I MEAN, BUT THE MOST CHILDISH THING ABOUT ME IS THAT I LET YOU TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE.
AND YOU NEVER LOVED ME FOR ME.
Brendan: LUCY -- Lucy: SO YOU CAN JUST TELL OTTO AND FRANK THAT I AM TAKING A WEEK OFF -- ANOTHER WEEK -- BECAUSE I NEED A VACATION FROM YOU.
Amanda: BRENDAN.
THAT WAS AMAZING.
Lucy: THAT WASN'T TOO HARSH, RIGHT? Kelcey: NO.
IT'S CALLED BEING A GROWN-UP.
BOOM! Amanda: BOOM.
Lucy: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER .]
WHERE TO NOW? BRUNCH? Kelcey: DISCOTHEQUE! ACTUALLY, BRUNCH.
Amanda: OKAY, BUT FIRST WE HAVE ONE THING LEFT TO CLEANSE.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ WHISTLING MUSICALLY .]
[ WHISTLING MUSICALLY .]
[ ALARM CLOCK BEEPING .]
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS .]
Kelcey: THAT BETTER NOT BE BRENDAN.
Lucy: [ GASPS .]
Kelcey: AMANDA PUT ME ON WATCH SO YOU WOULDN'T CALL HIM IN A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS.
Lucy: [ SIGHS .]
Amanda: HEY, GUYS! WE'RE CLEANSING! Lucy: WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW? Amanda: THE FIRST 48 HOURS -- HERE -- AFTER A BREAKUP ARE THE MOST VULNERABLE.
TO AVOID RELAPSE, YOU AND I CAN'T WALLOW.
Kelcey: "YOU AND I"? Amanda: NO MORE OF THIS OR THIS.
DONE.
DO YOU GET IT? CLEANSING.
CLEAN.
I JUST TALKED TO JAGGER.
THINGS ARE OVER BETWEEN US.
Lucy: YOU WERE DATING FOR TWO DAYS.
Kelcey: DID YOU EVEN KNOW HIS LAST NAME? Amanda: I JUST FELT -- I DON'T KNOW -- SUFFOCATED.
YOU GUYS! [ SQUEALS .]
YOU GUYS, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'VE ALL BEEN SINGLE TOGETHER SINCE COLLEGE.
I WASN'T GONNA MISS IT.
TO LUCY.
[ ALL SLURPING .]
Kelcey: WHAT IS THIS? Lucy: IT'S SWEET PICKLES.
YUM.
YOU KNOW THE LAST TIME WE HAD TUB TIME WAS WHEN KELCEY DUMPED THAT GUY WHO WORKED AT THE WHOLE FOODS COUNTER? WHAT WAS HIS NAME? Lucy: OH, THE "GOUDA BUDDHA.
" Kelcey: WHAT A MISTAKE.
NEVER SEVERE A CONNECTION TO FREE FOOD.
Amanda: UGH.
Lucy: OH, NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT.
I MEAN, WHAT IF I MISS HIS SCENT? Amanda: CARIBBEAN SPIRIT? Kelcey: GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.
I WANT TO DELETE HIS NUMBER.
Lucy: NO, I CAN JUST RE-LABEL HIM "DO NOT ANSWER.
" Amanda: THAT DOESN'T WORK, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK.
TRUST ME.
Kelcey: YEAH, YOU GOT TO COME UP WITH A NASTIER NICKNAME, LIKE "VENEREAL DISEASE" OR "HERPES HARVESTER.
" YOU WON'T ANSWER THAT CALL.
Amanda: [ Chuckling .]
YEAH.
WHAT IS THAT? Lucy: OH.
IT'S BRENDAN'S PONYTAIL.
Amanda: UGH.
Lucy: YEAH, HE CUT IT OFF BECAUSE WE WERE ON THIS DATE AND THE WAITRESS CAME OVER AND SHE WAS LIKE, "HEY, LADIES.
" Amanda: AWW.
AND YOU KEPT IT.
WHAT ABOUT STUFF FROM WORK? Lucy: YEAH, THERE'S NOT MUCH, JUST, YOU KNOW, SOME PHOTOS AND, YOU KNOW, BRENDAN HIMSELF.
I GUESS I'LL JUST QUI ON MONDAY.
Amanda: NO.
YOU ARE NOT QUITTING.
YOU HAVE TO FACE YOUR DEMONS, LUCE.
PUT ON SOMETHING COMFY, AND WE ARE TAKING YOU TO BRUNCH.
Kelcey: OOH, FOOD.
Lucy: [ SIGHS .]
Kelcey: WOW, YOU HAVE REALLY GIVEN UP.
Lucy: YOU SAID DRESS COMFY.
Amanda: AND THAT YOU DID.
[ CHUCKLES .]
Kelcey: LET'S GET A MOVE ON.
SO, LUCY, DON'T FREAK OUT.
Lucy: WHY WOULD I FREAK OUT? Amanda: WHEN YOU GO BACK TO WORK MONDAY, YOU NEED TO START FRESH, SO WE'RE JUST GONNA STOP BY YOUR OFFICE, CLEANSE YOUR CUBICLE.
Lucy: TURN AROUND.
Amanda: IT'S SATURDAY.
NO ONE'S GONNA BE THERE.
Lucy: THIS IS PAR OF YOUR CLEANSING PROGRAM -- FORCING ME TO GO BACK TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME? Amanda: YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED? A GOOD BREAKUP SONG, LIKE -- I WILL SURVIVE Kelcey: UGH.
YOU WON'T SURVIVE IF YOU PUT THAT ON.
WE NEED PANTERA.
GIRL NEEDS TO RAGE! [ COMPUTER DINGS .]
Woman: PLEASE SAY A COMMAND.
Kelcey: PLAY ARTIST -- PANTERA.
Amanda: PLAY SONG "I WILL SURVIVE.
" Woman: I DID NOT UNDERSTAND YOU.
PLEASE TRY AGAIN.
-Kelcey: PANTERA.
-Amanda: "PIECE OF MY HEART"! -Kelcey: PANTERA! -Amanda: "GO YOUR OWN WAY"! Kelcey: PANTERA! [ MURMURING .]
Amanda: PLAY SONG -- "B4 I GET 2 YOU"! [ MISS AMANI'S "B4 I GET 2 ONE" PLAYS .]
-FINALLY.
THANK YOU.
- UH-OH, DID I JUST SCARE YOU -Kelcey: I DO LOVE THIS SONG.
- TALK NOW YOU KNOW I DARE YOU YOU KNEW THAT YOU HAD THIS COMING Amanda: COME ON, LUCE.
AND THOUGHT I'D DO NOTHING, BUT NOW IS THE TIME WHILE MY FRIENDS THEY HATED YOU I JUST KEPT DEFENDING YOU NOW YOU BRING THIS ATTITUDE MAYBE IT WAS TRUE, I'M TOO GOOD FOR YOU WHOA-OH-OH Kelcey: WHEN YOUR BOSSES CHOSE TO NAME THE COMPANY "fingergames," DID THEY THINK ABOUT HOW MASTURBATORY IT SOUNDS? Amanda: KELCEY, FOCUS.
Kelcey: I MEAN, WHAT'S THE COMPANY MOTTO -- "PLAY WITH YOURSELF"? KEEP IT MOVING.
Amanda: WHOA.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE MUCH STUFF.
IT'S OKAY.
JUST START TOSSING.
COME ON.
Kelcey: CHECK THIS OUT.
WOW, THERE REALLY IS SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE.
Lucy: YOU KNOW, WHAT IF BRENDAN IS MY SOMEONE? YOU KNOW, MAYBE I NEED HIM TO PUSH ME, TO MAKE ME GROW SO I'M NOT ALONE IN 10 YEARS.
Amanda: OKAY, YOU'RE GETTING MUSHY.
COME ON.
NO MUSH.
NO MUSH.
[ GASPS .]
WE HAVE A SITUATION.
Lucy: [ GASPS .]
OH, MY GOD, WHAT'S HE DOING HERE? THIS IS SATURDAY.
HE NEVER WORKS ON SATURDAYS.
Kelcey: DON'T WORRY.
HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE.
WE'LL JUST SNEAK OU THE BACK DOOR.
Amanda: YEAH.
Lucy: NO, THERE IS NO BACK DOOR.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY OUT.
Kelcey: WELL, THE FIRE MARSHAL WOULD NOT APPROVE.
Amanda: WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO WALK PAST.
Kelcey: BRENDAN.
Amanda: BRENDAN.
Brendan: LUCY! HEY! LUCY.
-Lucy: HI.
-Brendan: HI.
Lucy: HI.
Brendan: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? -Amanda: WE'RE WALKING.
-Lucy: WALKING.
Brendan: I TRIED TO CALL YOU.
Kelcey: THAT'S FUNNY.
THE ONLY MISSED CALLS SHE'S GOTTEN WERE FROM "MR.
GONORRHEA PANTS.
" Brendan: OKAY, CAN I TALK TO LUCY WITHOUT THE ROOMMATE POSSE? Amanda: WHY? SO YOU CAN CALL HER "CHILDISH"? Brendan: YEAH, I SHOULDN' HAVE CALLED YOU "CHILDISH.
" OBVIOUSLY I'VE BEEN STRESSED WITH WORK.
ALL RIGHT? I'M NOT SLEEPING.
I MISS SLEEPING NEXT TO YOU.
Kelcey: WELL, SHE'S SLEEPING NEXT TO ME NOW.
Amanda: NOT LIKE IT SOUNDS.
Brendan: ALL RIGHT, JUST BACK OFF.
Lucy: YOU KNOW WHAT, GIRLS? HE'S RIGHT.
I MEAN, I AM CHILDISH.
I PUT SUGAR IN MY CEREAL, AND I WEAR P.
J.
s WHEN I'M CRANKY.
I WEAR MONSTER FEET.
Kelcey: WHEN I'M NOT WEARING THEM.
Lucy: AND I HOLD ON TO THINGS FOR CHILDISH REASONS.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY .]
I MEAN, BUT THE MOST CHILDISH THING ABOUT ME IS THAT I LET YOU TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS OF MY LIFE.
AND YOU NEVER LOVED ME FOR ME.
Brendan: LUCY -- Lucy: SO YOU CAN JUST TELL OTTO AND FRANK THAT I AM TAKING A WEEK OFF -- ANOTHER WEEK -- BECAUSE I NEED A VACATION FROM YOU.
Amanda: BRENDAN.
THAT WAS AMAZING.
Lucy: THAT WASN'T TOO HARSH, RIGHT? Kelcey: NO.
IT'S CALLED BEING A GROWN-UP.
BOOM! Amanda: BOOM.
Lucy: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER .]
WHERE TO NOW? BRUNCH? Kelcey: DISCOTHEQUE! ACTUALLY, BRUNCH.
Amanda: OKAY, BUT FIRST WE HAVE ONE THING LEFT TO CLEANSE.
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS .]
[ WHISTLING MUSICALLY .]