DAVE (2020) s01e03 Episode Script
Hypospadias
1
- ♪♪
-
Are you sure this is okay?
Should we be doing this?
It's just Dave.
Yeah. Okay.
Do it.
You can go under the bra.
YOUNG DAVE (OVER PHONE):
Elz, I felt them up
at the exact same time.
Oh, my God,
the breast meat is
the best kind of meat.
It's amazing. It's so soft.
It's just it's awesome.
- You felt them both up?
- And then Kayla said
(ECHOING): Now we want to feel you up.
YOUNG ELZ: There's no way
you let them touch your dick.
Actually, uh, uh
I have AIDS.
Wait. What?!
CAROL: David, hang up the phone
and come to our room right now.
- Mom?
- I've been listening the whole time!
Right now!
DON: They were doing what?
He was in a threesome with
Kayla Waters and Mallory Parker.
DON: A-A threesome? You're having sex?!
CAROL: Well, he felt them up.
They're sitting around
playing grab-ass every day.
W-Wait a minute. What does that mean?
He-he felt their breasts?
Did they touch your penis?
This friend group is way
too fast for you, David.
What does it even matter?!
My dick is too messed up
to show a girl anyways!
What do you even mean by that, David?
You
Like from the surgeries?
Yes!
Oh. I didn't know
this was still an issue for you, honey.
I mean, beyond cosmetically,
is there a functionality problem,
- or is it
- Functionality is not the issue, Don.
It's the scarring, the
mislocated pee hole,
the second pee hole.
Well, the second pee hole,
there's an easy fix
to that, as I recall.
There's another procedure.
I'm not wearing a diaper for a year!
He doesn't want to
wear a diaper! He's fine
just plugging up the second hole
with his finger when he pees.
- We already decided that, Don.
- Okay.
How can I ever use it
with a girl? It's scarred.
It leaks. It's small. It's
Well, size doesn't matter, sweetheart.
That's a myth. Your
father has a small penis.
It's average.
It is.
In America.
♪♪
MIKE: I disagree. No.
No, I-I told you, I
loved A Star Is Born.
I think it's a fantastic film.
♪♪
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GROANS)
(WOMAN ON VIDEO SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
WOMAN: Oh, you look so hard.
Yeah.
(WOMAN MOANING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING LOUDLY)
(PANTING)
(PANTING)
(EXHALES)
(CLOSES ZIPPER)
All right, man, I'm going to the studio.
- Have a very productive day.
- I love you.
MIKE: I love you.
- I ate her ass ♪
- (GASPS)
She came, I gasped ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Another.
Run it back, yep.
- I ate her ass ♪
- (GASPS)
- She came ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)
No?
- It's been too long.
- How you been?
- Look at you, you sweet baby face.
- Well, I try.
DAVE: I can't hear you.
- ELZ: Oh. Press the button.
- ALLY: Oh.
Hi! Surprise.
DAVE: Hello. What a
Yeah, what a surprise.
Is that a buffalo chicken
cheesesteak from Frank's?
- Yes. Good eye.
- Good idea, my cherub.
You're an angel sent from
the Euphrates.
(CHUCKLES) That's in
Iraq, but thank you.
- There's nothing wrong with Iraq.
- I'm gonna set it over here.
DAVE (ECHOING): How's
your day going? Good?
So good. Ooh, you sound really cool.
DAVE (ECHOING): Do I? Uh. Uh.
Uh-ooh! Yeah.
Let's not act like it's you
doing it yourself, though.
There's, like, mad plug-ins right now,
so he sounds like an actual rapper.
Every rapper has delay and
reverb; it's very standard.
Ooh, I like it.
(ECHOING): Well, I couldn't
be more appreciative
of that sandwich. I love you.
We have to finish this song.
- Okay.
- Can I FaceTime you in a little bit
- when I get out of here and we can
- Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
What's the actual rush?
Dave's making magic. I'm here.
Uh, duh.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
I'd like to see the magic happen.
If that's
It's not that magical.
All I'm doing is breathing.
It's not necessarily the
most entertaining moment
- to see me in the studio.
- ALLY: I
- live for breathing; I love it.
- (CHUCKLES)
Great, run it back. Let's
do another breath, please.
It is weird yet lit ♪
What a chain of events ♪
I've been fucking ♪
I ate her ass ♪
She came, I gasped ♪
- (GASPS)
- I went ♪
DAVE: That was actually
a fairly good one.
And make the delay like,
"Ass, ass, ass, ass".
Like, fully wet "ass".
And stack them and
- What do you call it? Uh
- Moses.
Moses that fuckin' shit.
- I ate her ass, she came, I gasped ♪
- (GASPS)
I went again, won't make my bed ♪
My mom got pissed,
she said, "Don't rap". ♪
- Okay.
- You like that?
Uh Mm. I like the spirit of it.
In practice You know, I do just
I had, like, so many
well-organized things there.
Uh, can I just, like
'Cause I won't be
able to get past the
- Okay. I'll meet you on the bed.
- Let me just
straighten up, tidy up a little bit.
Just a few choice items.
That'd be over here.
Turn the light down, like that.
Okay.
I'm just gonna angle
this lamp like that.
- I know, I'm just in the unbuttoning process.
- Mm-hmm.
(SIGHS): And we are
getting real close to blastoff.
Skinny jeans these days, you know?
(ALLY LAUGHS)
I'm very thirsty.
And I just want to nip
this in the bud before
we get too far down the rabbit hole.
(EXHALES): Ah
That was important.
- Mm-hmm. You good?
- Where were we?
(ALLY LAUGHS)
- I-I can't.
- No, no, no. No, no.
- I can't.
- I'm so close, I'm so close, I'm so close.
I can't hold my weight
up. I can't. I'm taxed.
Okay, get up, get up. I'll turn around.
Oh, you Oh.
- Backwards.
- (WHISPERS): Yeah.
(BOTH PANTING)
- Eat my ass.
- Huh?
(MOANING, GRUNTING)
ALLY: Ooh.
(BOTH PANTING)
Did you say something at the end?
No, I-I You said something.
No. It was nothing.
Did you ask me to eat your ass?
Yeah.
- (WHISPERS): Yeah.
- That's what you said?
Yeah.
Were you, were you joking?
No.
- You were being serious?
- Yeah, I wasn't joking.
You were inside of me.
I wasn't making a joke.
You want me to eat your ass?
I did, yeah. Yes.
Al, I would never eat your
ass in a million years.
I'm just being really open
about that. Like, that's
- Wow.
- And when I say "your",
I do not mean, like, your,
like, asshole is worse
than, like, the typical asshole.
I would never eat
Rachel McAdams's asshole.
- I would never eat Beyoncé's asshole.
- Okay.
I would eat your ass if you asked.
I would never put you
through that. Are you kidding?
My asshole is one of the most
disgusting places on Earth.
There's always debris
and, like, cake down there.
- You don't want to eat that.
- Cake?
Yeah. You don't want to
find out what that means.
Okay, well, I only said
it because of your song.
And you were rapping about it,
and I thought you might like it
and I might like it, and it'd be fun
- to do together.
- I totally understand
what's happening now
you heard it in the song.
Yeah.
Rap is a very sexually charged genre.
Just 'cause you hear me
say something in a song
does not mean that's what I want to do.
I'm just kind of, like, giving
the people what they want.
Okay, well, what do you want?
What do you want to do?
- About what?
- Sexually.
- Enlighten me.
- Uh, you don't you know,
I think you I don't
think that, you know,
I don't think there's
much you don't know.
Like, missionary. I like
when you flip around.
No. I mean, okay, what
do you jerk off to?
Like, regular porn, honestly. Like porn.
- What kind of porn? What do you watch?
- Uh, HD.
- Dave.
- I'm serious. Like, high
- I'm serious, too.
- High You'd be shocked
at how many things are, like,
below 720, and you get in there
- and you're handcuffed.
- Okay, but, like,
what's the weird thing that you watch?
- Everybody has, like, a weird thing.
- Uh, I don't know.
- I don't have a weird thing. Like, I
- Yes, you do.
- Come on. Tell me. Tell me.
- Milking porn.
(GASPS SOFTLY)
- Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get under you now.
- ALLY: Okay, I get it.
So there's a big board
with a hole in it,
and the penis goes in the hole.
Yeah.
And then, I would go under it,
and that's the milking,
is the jerking off. Or would you want
- Do you want me to blow you?
- No, no, no.
- I could blow Like
- No, no
I don't want you to do any
of this to me. That's
You asked me the weirdest thing
I've ever jerked off to; like,
this is what popped into my head.
This is not me saying,
"Let's go do this".
Okay. I'm not, like,
- judging you or
- Yeah. What?
- What?
- No, I know. Good.
- Is that Are we good?
- Y-Yeah. Yeah.
You're Uh, yeah.
- Okay.
- Milking.
Milking. Let's go to bed.
- Okay.
- Good night.
Good night.
- (SIGHS)
- I love you.
I love you as well.
MIKE: Oh. I keep logging
out of my Apple I.D.,
and now I'm not gonna be able
to stream this Phish show.
- This is so annoying.
- What's Phish, bro?
- It's a band.
- Oh, that's why Dave's all in a fucking trance.
'Cause he can't stream his Phish.
No, I'm in a trance
because you ruined my life
and you let Ally stay on the session.
She heard the rap I
had about eating ass,
and now she wants me to eat her ass
and do all these crazy sexual things.
- You hear this?
- Yeah. You've ruined my life.
Thank you for allowing that.
Hold on, bro. You be eating ass?
- No.
- We are just clearing a table,
but we can seat you if
you'll come this way.
Oh, amazing. Thank you so much.
Bro, you're upset with
me because she wants
to have cooler sex with you?
I don't understand that.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't want to have cooler sex.
I like my sex the way
it is where it's plain
and there's zero expectations.
I don't want to have to feel
like, "Oh, this girl needs
- her appetite whet", uh, you know?
- MIKE: Very smart.
That's how love lasts.
Boring sex. Smart.
Uh, it's 'cause you're
uncomfortable about your
Yeah, yeah. Duh.
Hold on. Ain't no room for
no inside info at this table.
What's going on? Catch me up to speed.
You can't tell anybody. They're,
like, the only two people
- that know this.
- Don't tell anybody.
- I'm not, man.
- DAVE: I'm serious. I'm
- He's being dead serious.
- I'm-I'm locked in.
All right, so I have
birth defects on my penis,
- and, like, I had to have surgery on it.
- Ah, I'm cool, bro.
I ain't trying to hear all
that, bro; we about to eat.
- Oh, okay. Well
- MIKE: Yeah, it's really gross.
- ELZ: It's disgusting.
- It's-it's as gross as you think it is.
- Ally doesn't even know about it.
- GATA: So your girl
- has never seen your dick?
- Correct.
- That's crazy.
- Yeah. I control the lighting.
- Next subject. Let's keep it rolling.
- What does she want
me to do? Start talking
dirty or something? Like
Yeah. That's what people do.
They talk dirty during sex.
- Out of nowhere?
- Yes.
That's what everybody does.
You're supposed to nibble
on her ear like Mike Tyson.
All that type of stuff, bro.
- You supposed to do all of that.
- I can't.
It's so out of character. I
can't all of a sudden just be,
like, a different person.
Like, that's crazy.
- What do you say, Gata?
- I say things like,
"Baby, your beauty is inspiring.
You're the best thing I've seen all day.
You're a fine display of
greatness at its greatest".
Can I have your phone number, or no?
Uh, I don't have a phone.
Um, I'll be back to take
your order in a moment. Okay?
I'm impressed by the
way you talk to girls.
You have no fear, even
in today's climate,
- of being yourself.
- GATA: What?
He's talking about the #MeToo movement.
- Oh. I'm with all of that.
- Yeah. Sexual harassment.
- But shit, I got to be me, too.
- Yeah.
All right. Can we get
back to the issue here?
What am I supposed to say
when I fuck my girlfriend?
- Okay. Yeah. Go-go ahead, Elz.
- Am I first?
Spit in her mouth.
- Oh, my God.
- DAVE: I say, "Open your mouth",
- and I go (SPITS)
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- She's gonna think I have
like, I'm having,
like, a brain aneurysm.
- You got to try these things.
- All of this shit
is so ridiculous. I'm not gonna be like,
"Oh, you need this".
- Who the fuck says things like that?
- No. What the fuck are you
- talking about?
- What is this, '70s porno?
- Yeah.
- Okay, great. What do you say, hotshot?
Why are you being so weird
about this? Why don't you
just, like, watch porn with
her? Everybody does that
- with their girlfriend.
- DAVE: Yeah, why don't I say,
"Hey, Al. Let me load
up a video of a guy
with an 11 and a half-inch
cock made of meat".
- MIKE: Yeah.
- DAVE: "You can compare it
- to my shredded wheat dick"
- Hold up.
Hold up, man. Where the
fuck is my grill at, man?
I just had it right here
in a black napkin, man.
What the fuck?
- MIKE: What?
- Where the hell is my grill?
- Y'all not paying attention?
- ELZ: Not to your grill.
I don't give a fuck about your grill.
He was cleaning up the table.
- DAVE: Okay, well
- GATA: It's gone, though.
Is this, like, a million-dollar grill?
- What's the ?
- Dude, I paid $300 for it, bro.
All right. Think of it as,
like, one night of Hanukkah.
It's not a huge deal.
Oh, and then there you go.
Just like that. Problem solved.
- Doctor Zhivago.
- My nigga, dude.
(CHUCKLES) My nigga.
- The busboy had it.
- Thank you, bro.
I wouldn't expect y'all to relate to it.
- I'm from the trenches, bro.
- What do you mean?
Don't loop me in with
these fucking guys.
I'm from the West Side of Chicago.
Yeah, don't loop me in
with this guy, either.
Look at me. We the same.
This nigga, you know what I'm saying?
Everybody keeps saying, "Ooh,
you're the rich black kid".
No, I'm not the rich black
kid. My parents have money.
- But when I left
- (DAVE AND MIKE LAUGH)
- That has nothing to do with me.
- MIKE: That's the same shit.
I can do something for you, too, man.
I can fix that streaming issue
you having to watch Phish.
- Can you seriously do that?
- GATA: Dude,
I'm like a black Neil deGrasse Tyson.
- He is black.
- I know.
- DAVE: Hey.
- Oh.
How do I fuck my girlfriend?
It was just, like, such a shock
to hear him talk so
explicitly in his music.
Like, real Dave (SNIFFS)
- Oh, throw that away.
- Yeah.
Real Dave would never talk
like that. Like, it was
so manly and, like, aggressive and hot.
- And, like
- That's good.
- Right? Yeah. And I was like, fuck it.
- Yeah.
I'll just fucking ask.
And then now it's the
most uncomfortable dyna
It's insane how uncomfortable it is now.
I love getting my ass eaten.
My last boyfriend liked
that more than fucking me.
Just lived down there.
That sounds so tight.
(SIGHS) And it sucks
because it has been great.
Like, I really have figured out
how to make myself come
really consistently,
which never happened with Rob.
I fucking hated Rob.
Wait. What do you mean,
make yourself come?
Dave doesn't make you come?
No, Dave
It's-it's Dave's penis inside of me.
Well, what is the sex like?
Do y'all fuck in silence?
No. There's passion and
moaning.
- He moans.
- Moans?
So, y-you just lay there,
and he's silently humping
you and moaning?
Do you make eye contact?
No.
I close my eyes to-to focus.
- To escape reality?
- No!
I'm not I'm saying I am, like
you know, focusing on picturing Dave.
Just, like, a different version of Dave.
You're a teacher, Al.
You were made for this moment, you know?
You just got to, like unlock him.
You know what I mean? Just unlock him.
MIKE: Yeah, we used to have a Regal.
And my dad likes the
sauce, so he got drunk
and smashed it against the
tree. Then we had a Cutlass.
That was my favorite family car.
- Damn, y'all had the Cutty? For real?
- Mm-hmm.
- Them motherfuckers is hard, bro.
- Yeah, they're
What's up, bitch-ass nigga?
- What's up with you, bro?
- Do you see what time it is, nigga?
Fuck all that talking.
- What's happening, nigga?
- Step up, then.
GATA: I'm right here. You're
doing all that woofing, bro.
- All that barking and shit.
- Step up then, nigga.
- Nigga, what's up, bro?
- Bitch ass.
MAN: Hey! I'm calling the cops.
For what?
- Man, you lucky he gonna call the police.
- For what?
- Take it outside!
- Nigga, he ain't about to do nothing.
He just talking, man. You
know where I'll be at, bro.
- Pop out, my nigga.
- CAZ: I'm-a see both y'all.
You and Ed Sheeran's bitch ass.
- I'm-a take one of these.
- Hey, you got to pay for that.
- Put it on that bitch-ass nigga's tab.
- Oh, for real?
Oh, yeah, put it on my tab
'cause you ain't got no money, though.
Damn, they got Orange Vanilla Coke
in this motherfucker? That's crazy.
This is crazy.
Where do you think
they import this from?
This shit look just like
your fucking hair, bro.
That's crazy.
Hey, don't worry about that, bro.
How much you want for this, papi?
(BOTTLES CLINKING)
Aw, man. All we got is Stella,
Gata. You good with that?
- Yeah, I'm good. But is it rosé, though?
- (BOTTLE OPENS)
No, it's it's beer.
Oh, that's cool, bro. I was
just expecting the finer things.
Hey, what was up with that
guy from the convenience store?
Oh, you worried about that
old poo-butt-ass nigga, bro?
Yeah, well, what-whatever, man.
(CHUCKLES): I-I got
shook, I'm not gonna lie.
You-you handled it so well, man.
I'm-I'm trying to be like that.
You know, more Zen. You were so calm.
Can you, like, see what's
up with the remote, though?
'Cause I'm trying to watch this shit
- you over here all excited about.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
♪♪
Oh, shit, Gata!
What the fuck? You're the man.
How did you do that?
GATA: I used to work for Geek Squad.
That's Phish. Let's
have some Phish, baby.
- Yeah. You like this? Is this good?
- Hell yeah.
MIKE: You get high, right?
Come on, man.
- Pass that bud, please.
- (CHUCKLES)
(TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT):
The bud is right here.
This is the vampire bud.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(REGULAR VOICE): Have you biting people.
(SNIFFS) Smell that.
- Oh, this is some bomb bomb.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
But when they gonna
stop warming up, though?
Oh, no. This is the whole show.
This is what they do
the whole time, man.
Feel that. Feel that.
Feel that, dude. (GRUNTS)
(ALLY MOANS)
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
Please.
What?
- I said please.
- Okay.
- You like that?
- Yeah.
Yeah. What do you, what
do you like specifically?
- (PANTING)
- Uh, uh
Your feminine energy.
(GRUNTS) Yeah.
Do you like how that feels?
Yeah. It feels
just ideal.
You're so hard.
- I'm as hard as I can be. I'm fully
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm boned.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm fully hard.
- (PANTING)
(PANTING) Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- (GRUNTS)
Your pussy is premium.
(STAMMERS) Prime-time.
What do you want?
Uh, what do I want?
Yeah. What do you want,
Dave? Tell me what you want.
- I want every fucking nook.
- Okay.
- I want the whole kit and caboodle
- Uh-huh. It's yours.
- Give me the full pussy.
- Uh-huh.
- Give me your full pussy right now.
- It's yours.
- Give me the puss.
- Where do you want to come?
Uh There. Within you.
I mean, you can feel
how soaked I am, right?
- Uh-huh.
- With gush.
- (MOANING)
- Oh, my God.
- Are you gonna cream?
- Mm-hmm.
- You're gonna come?
- Mm-hmm.
Cream.
- Come.
- Okay.
- Precum. Please come.
- You want me to come?
- Give me everything. Give me everything.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
- Come. Come. Yeah, come.
- Okay, baby. Okay.
- Come. Do it. Come. Come.
- Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.
I'm coming. (MOANING)
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH PANTING)
Oh, my God.
(BOTH PANTING)
That was
great.
Amen, brother.
(EXHALES)
Did you come?
Yeah.
(BOTH PANTING)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
♪♪
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
(GRUNTING)
ALLY: Dave?
- (KNOCKING, DOORKNOB RATTLING)
- Occupied!
- I got to pee.
- Uh
Okay, well, I'm pooping!
Can I have a second?
I can hear you walking around.
Yeah. I stand when I wipe.
- Okay. Please hurry. I got to go.
- Uh
Okay, what about Mike's not home.
Can you Just go in the sink.
I'm not gonna pee in the sink.
Can you be quick? I have to go.
All right, well
Okay, just hurry up.
Please, please, please,
please, please, please. Are you okay?
Yes, I'm just wiping!
- Will you hurry up? I really have to go.
- I'm finishing!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
- Go. Geez Louise.
- Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you,
- thank you, thank you.
- Uh, I don't know.
Must've tracked this in here.
(EXHALES)
- (URINATING)
- (SIGHS)
Very strong pee I can
tell it was, in fact, urgent.
I know. I wasn't, like
Jesus Christ! What the fuck
is that?
Dave, what is that?
What-what is that?
It is
called a Fuck Me Silly 3.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, please take it out.
- Take it out?
- Please take it out.
A Fuck Me Silly, Da
Oh, my God. Why is it so heavy?
Where is the other half?
Oh, my God!
Dave, do you fuck this?
You know, you just
asked me three questions.
Why is it so heavy?
I assume, uh, to simulate humanity.
- Oh, my God.
- Top half?
I don't know anything about that. And
We just had great sex. What are you
- doing?
- You say we have great sex.
To me, that sex was, like, unbearable!
- It was, like, warfare. Yeah, I was,
- Unbearable?!
like, surviving and advancing.
I felt like I was just surviving.
I hate talking about how,
like, wet your pussy is
- or how hard my dick is.
- Okay,
so you don't like talking dirty,
- but you like fucking Jell-O with feet?
- Yeah.
Maybe I like doing it 'cause
it doesn't ask anything of me
and it has no expectations.
I don't have to, like,
choke it or yell at it as I fuck it.
- I can just be in and out and do my business.
- I didn't ask you
to do any of those things, right?
I just asked you to be open
and, like, try something new.
And I asked you,
"What's the weirdest
thing you jerked off to?"
And this fucking A.I. bullshit
didn't occur to you, Dave?
Well, it's not A.I.
And I don't, like,
look at it and jerk off.
I don't jerk off to it. I didn't lie.
Right. You make love to it.
- That's what I should've asked.
- I don't make love.
- It's platonic. It's
- Cool.
So, sex with your human girlfriend
is unbearable warfare,
and you can't even
tolerate having, like,
a conversation with me about sex?
And I-I feel like I'm trying
to figure out what you want,
and you're just not
telling me the truth.
Like, what am I missing here, okay?
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
I was born with a fucked-up dick!
Dave, your penis is normal.
Uh, you've you have
never seen my dick.
Yes, I have.
I know you think you
ha Um, honestly, like,
it's my life's work to
make sure you don't see it.
Like, I spend every moment
plotting the lighting
and the angles. If you've seen it,
- what does my dick look like?
- It looks
like a fucking dick, Dave.
Now I know you haven't seen it.
- You're leaving?
- Yes.
We're talking in circles,
and you clearly don't want to talk.
I was born with a tangled urethra.
So, when I came out,
they did surgery on me.
Okay? There's scarring down there.
I also have a birth
defect called hypospadias
that one in 300 guys have,
where the pee hole isn't
in the center of the head.
It's, like For me, it's on
the underneath part of my head.
There were also these
small black dots on my dick
that looked like poppy seeds.
I got 'em removed,
'cause it was humiliating.
And one of the poppy
seeds got removed too far
on the underside of my
shaft, so now, when I pee,
it's out of two different
holes, like a Super Soaker.
That's why I pee sitting down.
If I didn't pee sitting down,
I would just piss all over my own body.
And when I'm in public
and I'm at a urinal,
I clog the second hole with my finger.
There's just a lot of stuff.
Why is this the first
time I'm hearing about it?
I don't know, Al. There
was never a great time
to pull you aside and say, "Hey, my dick
looks like an old pile of worms".
Don't leave.
Show me.
No.
I love you. I know it'll
make me feel better.
I think it'll make you feel better.
Al, first off, I'm soft as a mouse.
I'm not gonna show you this vers
That was easy.
Yeah.
Trust me.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Cool.
That's a stand-up boner.
- I love you.
- I love you.
(KISSES) I love it.
Great.
Good night.
- (SIGHS)
- (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
(PHONE CHIMES)
WEATHERMAN: Increasing
cloudiness tomorrow.
Sticky and humid with a high of 96.
With the winds out of the
east at 14 miles per hour,
- it's currently 75 degrees
-
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
What on earth is going on?
(SINGSONGY): Surprise!
It's your very own milking table.
How did you
Just get on the table,
put your dick in the hole
and I'm gonna milk the cream out of you.
This is unbelievable.
Did you, like, hire, like,
- a TaskRabbit to do this?
- Okay, so I've been thinking about it.
I think that you jerk
off to milking table porn
because it's just the dick and the girl.
Right? So it's your biggest insecurity.
It's your biggest fear.
Which means it's your ultimate fantasy.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
And, last night, we
did what I wanted to do.
So, tonight, we could
do what you want to do.
And, tomorrow, we could do what we want.
And that's intimacy, right?
- Mm.
- I love you so much.
- I love you.
- Not only are you gonna milk me,
I'm gonna milk you.
Mandatory strip right now.
I'm eating your asshole.
- Do it right now. Take off your clothes.
- Really?
- Mandatory strip. That's right. Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Get up there right now.
I'm gonna milk your asshole.
(GRUNTS) I feel like,
f-for me, it's not milking.
It-It's more like a
gerbil and its bottle.
Whatever it is, let's do it.
- I'm ready to ride the momentum.
- Okay.
What a girl wants, what a girl needs ♪
What a girl wants, what a girl n ♪
(GARAGE DOOR OPENING)
Yo.
I'm just I'm just
gonna park on the street.
(GARAGE DOOR CLOSING)
Whoo, whoo, I'm still
a kid, look at my dick ♪
- But I make these hits that'll shape your kids ♪
- Yeah ♪
If I shake my hips,
they'll display their tits ♪
It is weird yet lit ♪
What a chain of events ♪
I've been fucking ♪
I ate her ass ♪
She came, I gasped ♪
I went again ♪
- Won't make my bed ♪
- What? ♪
My mom got pissed ♪
- She said, "Don't rap" ♪
- What? ♪
Guess what, I did ♪
Oh, yeah, all my haters'
hands up on their heads ♪
- Oh ♪
- I'm abusing substances ♪
- With guys in the NFL ♪
- Whoa ♪
I just stole a Perrier
from Kodak Black ♪
From his dressing room,
while he was onstage ♪
I was thirsty, back up off me ♪
This is just hip-hop ♪
But my shit pop ♪
- I wear flip-flops ♪
- Where? ♪
To my biz ops ♪
- Ain't no wristwatch ♪
- Why? ♪
Pretty women all up on my arm ♪
I don't think I need
to get more charm. ♪
- ♪♪
-
Are you sure this is okay?
Should we be doing this?
It's just Dave.
Yeah. Okay.
Do it.
You can go under the bra.
YOUNG DAVE (OVER PHONE):
Elz, I felt them up
at the exact same time.
Oh, my God,
the breast meat is
the best kind of meat.
It's amazing. It's so soft.
It's just it's awesome.
- You felt them both up?
- And then Kayla said
(ECHOING): Now we want to feel you up.
YOUNG ELZ: There's no way
you let them touch your dick.
Actually, uh, uh
I have AIDS.
Wait. What?!
CAROL: David, hang up the phone
and come to our room right now.
- Mom?
- I've been listening the whole time!
Right now!
DON: They were doing what?
He was in a threesome with
Kayla Waters and Mallory Parker.
DON: A-A threesome? You're having sex?!
CAROL: Well, he felt them up.
They're sitting around
playing grab-ass every day.
W-Wait a minute. What does that mean?
He-he felt their breasts?
Did they touch your penis?
This friend group is way
too fast for you, David.
What does it even matter?!
My dick is too messed up
to show a girl anyways!
What do you even mean by that, David?
You
Like from the surgeries?
Yes!
Oh. I didn't know
this was still an issue for you, honey.
I mean, beyond cosmetically,
is there a functionality problem,
- or is it
- Functionality is not the issue, Don.
It's the scarring, the
mislocated pee hole,
the second pee hole.
Well, the second pee hole,
there's an easy fix
to that, as I recall.
There's another procedure.
I'm not wearing a diaper for a year!
He doesn't want to
wear a diaper! He's fine
just plugging up the second hole
with his finger when he pees.
- We already decided that, Don.
- Okay.
How can I ever use it
with a girl? It's scarred.
It leaks. It's small. It's
Well, size doesn't matter, sweetheart.
That's a myth. Your
father has a small penis.
It's average.
It is.
In America.
♪♪
MIKE: I disagree. No.
No, I-I told you, I
loved A Star Is Born.
I think it's a fantastic film.
♪♪
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GROANS)
(WOMAN ON VIDEO SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
WOMAN: Oh, you look so hard.
Yeah.
(WOMAN MOANING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING LOUDLY)
(PANTING)
(PANTING)
(EXHALES)
(CLOSES ZIPPER)
All right, man, I'm going to the studio.
- Have a very productive day.
- I love you.
MIKE: I love you.
- I ate her ass ♪
- (GASPS)
She came, I gasped ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Another.
Run it back, yep.
- I ate her ass ♪
- (GASPS)
- She came ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS)
No?
- It's been too long.
- How you been?
- Look at you, you sweet baby face.
- Well, I try.
DAVE: I can't hear you.
- ELZ: Oh. Press the button.
- ALLY: Oh.
Hi! Surprise.
DAVE: Hello. What a
Yeah, what a surprise.
Is that a buffalo chicken
cheesesteak from Frank's?
- Yes. Good eye.
- Good idea, my cherub.
You're an angel sent from
the Euphrates.
(CHUCKLES) That's in
Iraq, but thank you.
- There's nothing wrong with Iraq.
- I'm gonna set it over here.
DAVE (ECHOING): How's
your day going? Good?
So good. Ooh, you sound really cool.
DAVE (ECHOING): Do I? Uh. Uh.
Uh-ooh! Yeah.
Let's not act like it's you
doing it yourself, though.
There's, like, mad plug-ins right now,
so he sounds like an actual rapper.
Every rapper has delay and
reverb; it's very standard.
Ooh, I like it.
(ECHOING): Well, I couldn't
be more appreciative
of that sandwich. I love you.
We have to finish this song.
- Okay.
- Can I FaceTime you in a little bit
- when I get out of here and we can
- Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
What's the actual rush?
Dave's making magic. I'm here.
Uh, duh.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
I'd like to see the magic happen.
If that's
It's not that magical.
All I'm doing is breathing.
It's not necessarily the
most entertaining moment
- to see me in the studio.
- ALLY: I
- live for breathing; I love it.
- (CHUCKLES)
Great, run it back. Let's
do another breath, please.
It is weird yet lit ♪
What a chain of events ♪
I've been fucking ♪
I ate her ass ♪
She came, I gasped ♪
- (GASPS)
- I went ♪
DAVE: That was actually
a fairly good one.
And make the delay like,
"Ass, ass, ass, ass".
Like, fully wet "ass".
And stack them and
- What do you call it? Uh
- Moses.
Moses that fuckin' shit.
- I ate her ass, she came, I gasped ♪
- (GASPS)
I went again, won't make my bed ♪
My mom got pissed,
she said, "Don't rap". ♪
- Okay.
- You like that?
Uh Mm. I like the spirit of it.
In practice You know, I do just
I had, like, so many
well-organized things there.
Uh, can I just, like
'Cause I won't be
able to get past the
- Okay. I'll meet you on the bed.
- Let me just
straighten up, tidy up a little bit.
Just a few choice items.
That'd be over here.
Turn the light down, like that.
Okay.
I'm just gonna angle
this lamp like that.
- I know, I'm just in the unbuttoning process.
- Mm-hmm.
(SIGHS): And we are
getting real close to blastoff.
Skinny jeans these days, you know?
(ALLY LAUGHS)
I'm very thirsty.
And I just want to nip
this in the bud before
we get too far down the rabbit hole.
(EXHALES): Ah
That was important.
- Mm-hmm. You good?
- Where were we?
(ALLY LAUGHS)
- I-I can't.
- No, no, no. No, no.
- I can't.
- I'm so close, I'm so close, I'm so close.
I can't hold my weight
up. I can't. I'm taxed.
Okay, get up, get up. I'll turn around.
Oh, you Oh.
- Backwards.
- (WHISPERS): Yeah.
(BOTH PANTING)
- Eat my ass.
- Huh?
(MOANING, GRUNTING)
ALLY: Ooh.
(BOTH PANTING)
Did you say something at the end?
No, I-I You said something.
No. It was nothing.
Did you ask me to eat your ass?
Yeah.
- (WHISPERS): Yeah.
- That's what you said?
Yeah.
Were you, were you joking?
No.
- You were being serious?
- Yeah, I wasn't joking.
You were inside of me.
I wasn't making a joke.
You want me to eat your ass?
I did, yeah. Yes.
Al, I would never eat your
ass in a million years.
I'm just being really open
about that. Like, that's
- Wow.
- And when I say "your",
I do not mean, like, your,
like, asshole is worse
than, like, the typical asshole.
I would never eat
Rachel McAdams's asshole.
- I would never eat Beyoncé's asshole.
- Okay.
I would eat your ass if you asked.
I would never put you
through that. Are you kidding?
My asshole is one of the most
disgusting places on Earth.
There's always debris
and, like, cake down there.
- You don't want to eat that.
- Cake?
Yeah. You don't want to
find out what that means.
Okay, well, I only said
it because of your song.
And you were rapping about it,
and I thought you might like it
and I might like it, and it'd be fun
- to do together.
- I totally understand
what's happening now
you heard it in the song.
Yeah.
Rap is a very sexually charged genre.
Just 'cause you hear me
say something in a song
does not mean that's what I want to do.
I'm just kind of, like, giving
the people what they want.
Okay, well, what do you want?
What do you want to do?
- About what?
- Sexually.
- Enlighten me.
- Uh, you don't you know,
I think you I don't
think that, you know,
I don't think there's
much you don't know.
Like, missionary. I like
when you flip around.
No. I mean, okay, what
do you jerk off to?
Like, regular porn, honestly. Like porn.
- What kind of porn? What do you watch?
- Uh, HD.
- Dave.
- I'm serious. Like, high
- I'm serious, too.
- High You'd be shocked
at how many things are, like,
below 720, and you get in there
- and you're handcuffed.
- Okay, but, like,
what's the weird thing that you watch?
- Everybody has, like, a weird thing.
- Uh, I don't know.
- I don't have a weird thing. Like, I
- Yes, you do.
- Come on. Tell me. Tell me.
- Milking porn.
(GASPS SOFTLY)
- Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get under you now.
- ALLY: Okay, I get it.
So there's a big board
with a hole in it,
and the penis goes in the hole.
Yeah.
And then, I would go under it,
and that's the milking,
is the jerking off. Or would you want
- Do you want me to blow you?
- No, no, no.
- I could blow Like
- No, no
I don't want you to do any
of this to me. That's
You asked me the weirdest thing
I've ever jerked off to; like,
this is what popped into my head.
This is not me saying,
"Let's go do this".
Okay. I'm not, like,
- judging you or
- Yeah. What?
- What?
- No, I know. Good.
- Is that Are we good?
- Y-Yeah. Yeah.
You're Uh, yeah.
- Okay.
- Milking.
Milking. Let's go to bed.
- Okay.
- Good night.
Good night.
- (SIGHS)
- I love you.
I love you as well.
MIKE: Oh. I keep logging
out of my Apple I.D.,
and now I'm not gonna be able
to stream this Phish show.
- This is so annoying.
- What's Phish, bro?
- It's a band.
- Oh, that's why Dave's all in a fucking trance.
'Cause he can't stream his Phish.
No, I'm in a trance
because you ruined my life
and you let Ally stay on the session.
She heard the rap I
had about eating ass,
and now she wants me to eat her ass
and do all these crazy sexual things.
- You hear this?
- Yeah. You've ruined my life.
Thank you for allowing that.
Hold on, bro. You be eating ass?
- No.
- We are just clearing a table,
but we can seat you if
you'll come this way.
Oh, amazing. Thank you so much.
Bro, you're upset with
me because she wants
to have cooler sex with you?
I don't understand that.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't want to have cooler sex.
I like my sex the way
it is where it's plain
and there's zero expectations.
I don't want to have to feel
like, "Oh, this girl needs
- her appetite whet", uh, you know?
- MIKE: Very smart.
That's how love lasts.
Boring sex. Smart.
Uh, it's 'cause you're
uncomfortable about your
Yeah, yeah. Duh.
Hold on. Ain't no room for
no inside info at this table.
What's going on? Catch me up to speed.
You can't tell anybody. They're,
like, the only two people
- that know this.
- Don't tell anybody.
- I'm not, man.
- DAVE: I'm serious. I'm
- He's being dead serious.
- I'm-I'm locked in.
All right, so I have
birth defects on my penis,
- and, like, I had to have surgery on it.
- Ah, I'm cool, bro.
I ain't trying to hear all
that, bro; we about to eat.
- Oh, okay. Well
- MIKE: Yeah, it's really gross.
- ELZ: It's disgusting.
- It's-it's as gross as you think it is.
- Ally doesn't even know about it.
- GATA: So your girl
- has never seen your dick?
- Correct.
- That's crazy.
- Yeah. I control the lighting.
- Next subject. Let's keep it rolling.
- What does she want
me to do? Start talking
dirty or something? Like
Yeah. That's what people do.
They talk dirty during sex.
- Out of nowhere?
- Yes.
That's what everybody does.
You're supposed to nibble
on her ear like Mike Tyson.
All that type of stuff, bro.
- You supposed to do all of that.
- I can't.
It's so out of character. I
can't all of a sudden just be,
like, a different person.
Like, that's crazy.
- What do you say, Gata?
- I say things like,
"Baby, your beauty is inspiring.
You're the best thing I've seen all day.
You're a fine display of
greatness at its greatest".
Can I have your phone number, or no?
Uh, I don't have a phone.
Um, I'll be back to take
your order in a moment. Okay?
I'm impressed by the
way you talk to girls.
You have no fear, even
in today's climate,
- of being yourself.
- GATA: What?
He's talking about the #MeToo movement.
- Oh. I'm with all of that.
- Yeah. Sexual harassment.
- But shit, I got to be me, too.
- Yeah.
All right. Can we get
back to the issue here?
What am I supposed to say
when I fuck my girlfriend?
- Okay. Yeah. Go-go ahead, Elz.
- Am I first?
Spit in her mouth.
- Oh, my God.
- DAVE: I say, "Open your mouth",
- and I go (SPITS)
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- She's gonna think I have
like, I'm having,
like, a brain aneurysm.
- You got to try these things.
- All of this shit
is so ridiculous. I'm not gonna be like,
"Oh, you need this".
- Who the fuck says things like that?
- No. What the fuck are you
- talking about?
- What is this, '70s porno?
- Yeah.
- Okay, great. What do you say, hotshot?
Why are you being so weird
about this? Why don't you
just, like, watch porn with
her? Everybody does that
- with their girlfriend.
- DAVE: Yeah, why don't I say,
"Hey, Al. Let me load
up a video of a guy
with an 11 and a half-inch
cock made of meat".
- MIKE: Yeah.
- DAVE: "You can compare it
- to my shredded wheat dick"
- Hold up.
Hold up, man. Where the
fuck is my grill at, man?
I just had it right here
in a black napkin, man.
What the fuck?
- MIKE: What?
- Where the hell is my grill?
- Y'all not paying attention?
- ELZ: Not to your grill.
I don't give a fuck about your grill.
He was cleaning up the table.
- DAVE: Okay, well
- GATA: It's gone, though.
Is this, like, a million-dollar grill?
- What's the ?
- Dude, I paid $300 for it, bro.
All right. Think of it as,
like, one night of Hanukkah.
It's not a huge deal.
Oh, and then there you go.
Just like that. Problem solved.
- Doctor Zhivago.
- My nigga, dude.
(CHUCKLES) My nigga.
- The busboy had it.
- Thank you, bro.
I wouldn't expect y'all to relate to it.
- I'm from the trenches, bro.
- What do you mean?
Don't loop me in with
these fucking guys.
I'm from the West Side of Chicago.
Yeah, don't loop me in
with this guy, either.
Look at me. We the same.
This nigga, you know what I'm saying?
Everybody keeps saying, "Ooh,
you're the rich black kid".
No, I'm not the rich black
kid. My parents have money.
- But when I left
- (DAVE AND MIKE LAUGH)
- That has nothing to do with me.
- MIKE: That's the same shit.
I can do something for you, too, man.
I can fix that streaming issue
you having to watch Phish.
- Can you seriously do that?
- GATA: Dude,
I'm like a black Neil deGrasse Tyson.
- He is black.
- I know.
- DAVE: Hey.
- Oh.
How do I fuck my girlfriend?
It was just, like, such a shock
to hear him talk so
explicitly in his music.
Like, real Dave (SNIFFS)
- Oh, throw that away.
- Yeah.
Real Dave would never talk
like that. Like, it was
so manly and, like, aggressive and hot.
- And, like
- That's good.
- Right? Yeah. And I was like, fuck it.
- Yeah.
I'll just fucking ask.
And then now it's the
most uncomfortable dyna
It's insane how uncomfortable it is now.
I love getting my ass eaten.
My last boyfriend liked
that more than fucking me.
Just lived down there.
That sounds so tight.
(SIGHS) And it sucks
because it has been great.
Like, I really have figured out
how to make myself come
really consistently,
which never happened with Rob.
I fucking hated Rob.
Wait. What do you mean,
make yourself come?
Dave doesn't make you come?
No, Dave
It's-it's Dave's penis inside of me.
Well, what is the sex like?
Do y'all fuck in silence?
No. There's passion and
moaning.
- He moans.
- Moans?
So, y-you just lay there,
and he's silently humping
you and moaning?
Do you make eye contact?
No.
I close my eyes to-to focus.
- To escape reality?
- No!
I'm not I'm saying I am, like
you know, focusing on picturing Dave.
Just, like, a different version of Dave.
You're a teacher, Al.
You were made for this moment, you know?
You just got to, like unlock him.
You know what I mean? Just unlock him.
MIKE: Yeah, we used to have a Regal.
And my dad likes the
sauce, so he got drunk
and smashed it against the
tree. Then we had a Cutlass.
That was my favorite family car.
- Damn, y'all had the Cutty? For real?
- Mm-hmm.
- Them motherfuckers is hard, bro.
- Yeah, they're
What's up, bitch-ass nigga?
- What's up with you, bro?
- Do you see what time it is, nigga?
Fuck all that talking.
- What's happening, nigga?
- Step up, then.
GATA: I'm right here. You're
doing all that woofing, bro.
- All that barking and shit.
- Step up then, nigga.
- Nigga, what's up, bro?
- Bitch ass.
MAN: Hey! I'm calling the cops.
For what?
- Man, you lucky he gonna call the police.
- For what?
- Take it outside!
- Nigga, he ain't about to do nothing.
He just talking, man. You
know where I'll be at, bro.
- Pop out, my nigga.
- CAZ: I'm-a see both y'all.
You and Ed Sheeran's bitch ass.
- I'm-a take one of these.
- Hey, you got to pay for that.
- Put it on that bitch-ass nigga's tab.
- Oh, for real?
Oh, yeah, put it on my tab
'cause you ain't got no money, though.
Damn, they got Orange Vanilla Coke
in this motherfucker? That's crazy.
This is crazy.
Where do you think
they import this from?
This shit look just like
your fucking hair, bro.
That's crazy.
Hey, don't worry about that, bro.
How much you want for this, papi?
(BOTTLES CLINKING)
Aw, man. All we got is Stella,
Gata. You good with that?
- Yeah, I'm good. But is it rosé, though?
- (BOTTLE OPENS)
No, it's it's beer.
Oh, that's cool, bro. I was
just expecting the finer things.
Hey, what was up with that
guy from the convenience store?
Oh, you worried about that
old poo-butt-ass nigga, bro?
Yeah, well, what-whatever, man.
(CHUCKLES): I-I got
shook, I'm not gonna lie.
You-you handled it so well, man.
I'm-I'm trying to be like that.
You know, more Zen. You were so calm.
Can you, like, see what's
up with the remote, though?
'Cause I'm trying to watch this shit
- you over here all excited about.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
♪♪
Oh, shit, Gata!
What the fuck? You're the man.
How did you do that?
GATA: I used to work for Geek Squad.
That's Phish. Let's
have some Phish, baby.
- Yeah. You like this? Is this good?
- Hell yeah.
MIKE: You get high, right?
Come on, man.
- Pass that bud, please.
- (CHUCKLES)
(TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT):
The bud is right here.
This is the vampire bud.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(REGULAR VOICE): Have you biting people.
(SNIFFS) Smell that.
- Oh, this is some bomb bomb.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
But when they gonna
stop warming up, though?
Oh, no. This is the whole show.
This is what they do
the whole time, man.
Feel that. Feel that.
Feel that, dude. (GRUNTS)
(ALLY MOANS)
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
Please.
What?
- I said please.
- Okay.
- You like that?
- Yeah.
Yeah. What do you, what
do you like specifically?
- (PANTING)
- Uh, uh
Your feminine energy.
(GRUNTS) Yeah.
Do you like how that feels?
Yeah. It feels
just ideal.
You're so hard.
- I'm as hard as I can be. I'm fully
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm boned.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm fully hard.
- (PANTING)
(PANTING) Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- (GRUNTS)
Your pussy is premium.
(STAMMERS) Prime-time.
What do you want?
Uh, what do I want?
Yeah. What do you want,
Dave? Tell me what you want.
- I want every fucking nook.
- Okay.
- I want the whole kit and caboodle
- Uh-huh. It's yours.
- Give me the full pussy.
- Uh-huh.
- Give me your full pussy right now.
- It's yours.
- Give me the puss.
- Where do you want to come?
Uh There. Within you.
I mean, you can feel
how soaked I am, right?
- Uh-huh.
- With gush.
- (MOANING)
- Oh, my God.
- Are you gonna cream?
- Mm-hmm.
- You're gonna come?
- Mm-hmm.
Cream.
- Come.
- Okay.
- Precum. Please come.
- You want me to come?
- Give me everything. Give me everything.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
- Come. Come. Yeah, come.
- Okay, baby. Okay.
- Come. Do it. Come. Come.
- Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming.
I'm coming. (MOANING)
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH PANTING)
Oh, my God.
(BOTH PANTING)
That was
great.
Amen, brother.
(EXHALES)
Did you come?
Yeah.
(BOTH PANTING)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS SOFTLY)
♪♪
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
(GRUNTING)
ALLY: Dave?
- (KNOCKING, DOORKNOB RATTLING)
- Occupied!
- I got to pee.
- Uh
Okay, well, I'm pooping!
Can I have a second?
I can hear you walking around.
Yeah. I stand when I wipe.
- Okay. Please hurry. I got to go.
- Uh
Okay, what about Mike's not home.
Can you Just go in the sink.
I'm not gonna pee in the sink.
Can you be quick? I have to go.
All right, well
Okay, just hurry up.
Please, please, please,
please, please, please. Are you okay?
Yes, I'm just wiping!
- Will you hurry up? I really have to go.
- I'm finishing!
(TOILET FLUSHING)
- Go. Geez Louise.
- Oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you,
- thank you, thank you.
- Uh, I don't know.
Must've tracked this in here.
(EXHALES)
- (URINATING)
- (SIGHS)
Very strong pee I can
tell it was, in fact, urgent.
I know. I wasn't, like
Jesus Christ! What the fuck
is that?
Dave, what is that?
What-what is that?
It is
called a Fuck Me Silly 3.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, please take it out.
- Take it out?
- Please take it out.
A Fuck Me Silly, Da
Oh, my God. Why is it so heavy?
Where is the other half?
Oh, my God!
Dave, do you fuck this?
You know, you just
asked me three questions.
Why is it so heavy?
I assume, uh, to simulate humanity.
- Oh, my God.
- Top half?
I don't know anything about that. And
We just had great sex. What are you
- doing?
- You say we have great sex.
To me, that sex was, like, unbearable!
- It was, like, warfare. Yeah, I was,
- Unbearable?!
like, surviving and advancing.
I felt like I was just surviving.
I hate talking about how,
like, wet your pussy is
- or how hard my dick is.
- Okay,
so you don't like talking dirty,
- but you like fucking Jell-O with feet?
- Yeah.
Maybe I like doing it 'cause
it doesn't ask anything of me
and it has no expectations.
I don't have to, like,
choke it or yell at it as I fuck it.
- I can just be in and out and do my business.
- I didn't ask you
to do any of those things, right?
I just asked you to be open
and, like, try something new.
And I asked you,
"What's the weirdest
thing you jerked off to?"
And this fucking A.I. bullshit
didn't occur to you, Dave?
Well, it's not A.I.
And I don't, like,
look at it and jerk off.
I don't jerk off to it. I didn't lie.
Right. You make love to it.
- That's what I should've asked.
- I don't make love.
- It's platonic. It's
- Cool.
So, sex with your human girlfriend
is unbearable warfare,
and you can't even
tolerate having, like,
a conversation with me about sex?
And I-I feel like I'm trying
to figure out what you want,
and you're just not
telling me the truth.
Like, what am I missing here, okay?
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
I was born with a fucked-up dick!
Dave, your penis is normal.
Uh, you've you have
never seen my dick.
Yes, I have.
I know you think you
ha Um, honestly, like,
it's my life's work to
make sure you don't see it.
Like, I spend every moment
plotting the lighting
and the angles. If you've seen it,
- what does my dick look like?
- It looks
like a fucking dick, Dave.
Now I know you haven't seen it.
- You're leaving?
- Yes.
We're talking in circles,
and you clearly don't want to talk.
I was born with a tangled urethra.
So, when I came out,
they did surgery on me.
Okay? There's scarring down there.
I also have a birth
defect called hypospadias
that one in 300 guys have,
where the pee hole isn't
in the center of the head.
It's, like For me, it's on
the underneath part of my head.
There were also these
small black dots on my dick
that looked like poppy seeds.
I got 'em removed,
'cause it was humiliating.
And one of the poppy
seeds got removed too far
on the underside of my
shaft, so now, when I pee,
it's out of two different
holes, like a Super Soaker.
That's why I pee sitting down.
If I didn't pee sitting down,
I would just piss all over my own body.
And when I'm in public
and I'm at a urinal,
I clog the second hole with my finger.
There's just a lot of stuff.
Why is this the first
time I'm hearing about it?
I don't know, Al. There
was never a great time
to pull you aside and say, "Hey, my dick
looks like an old pile of worms".
Don't leave.
Show me.
No.
I love you. I know it'll
make me feel better.
I think it'll make you feel better.
Al, first off, I'm soft as a mouse.
I'm not gonna show you this vers
That was easy.
Yeah.
Trust me.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Cool.
That's a stand-up boner.
- I love you.
- I love you.
(KISSES) I love it.
Great.
Good night.
- (SIGHS)
- (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
(PHONE CHIMES)
WEATHERMAN: Increasing
cloudiness tomorrow.
Sticky and humid with a high of 96.
With the winds out of the
east at 14 miles per hour,
- it's currently 75 degrees
-
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
What on earth is going on?
(SINGSONGY): Surprise!
It's your very own milking table.
How did you
Just get on the table,
put your dick in the hole
and I'm gonna milk the cream out of you.
This is unbelievable.
Did you, like, hire, like,
- a TaskRabbit to do this?
- Okay, so I've been thinking about it.
I think that you jerk
off to milking table porn
because it's just the dick and the girl.
Right? So it's your biggest insecurity.
It's your biggest fear.
Which means it's your ultimate fantasy.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
And, last night, we
did what I wanted to do.
So, tonight, we could
do what you want to do.
And, tomorrow, we could do what we want.
And that's intimacy, right?
- Mm.
- I love you so much.
- I love you.
- Not only are you gonna milk me,
I'm gonna milk you.
Mandatory strip right now.
I'm eating your asshole.
- Do it right now. Take off your clothes.
- Really?
- Mandatory strip. That's right. Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Get up there right now.
I'm gonna milk your asshole.
(GRUNTS) I feel like,
f-for me, it's not milking.
It-It's more like a
gerbil and its bottle.
Whatever it is, let's do it.
- I'm ready to ride the momentum.
- Okay.
What a girl wants, what a girl needs ♪
What a girl wants, what a girl n ♪
(GARAGE DOOR OPENING)
Yo.
I'm just I'm just
gonna park on the street.
(GARAGE DOOR CLOSING)
Whoo, whoo, I'm still
a kid, look at my dick ♪
- But I make these hits that'll shape your kids ♪
- Yeah ♪
If I shake my hips,
they'll display their tits ♪
It is weird yet lit ♪
What a chain of events ♪
I've been fucking ♪
I ate her ass ♪
She came, I gasped ♪
I went again ♪
- Won't make my bed ♪
- What? ♪
My mom got pissed ♪
- She said, "Don't rap" ♪
- What? ♪
Guess what, I did ♪
Oh, yeah, all my haters'
hands up on their heads ♪
- Oh ♪
- I'm abusing substances ♪
- With guys in the NFL ♪
- Whoa ♪
I just stole a Perrier
from Kodak Black ♪
From his dressing room,
while he was onstage ♪
I was thirsty, back up off me ♪
This is just hip-hop ♪
But my shit pop ♪
- I wear flip-flops ♪
- Where? ♪
To my biz ops ♪
- Ain't no wristwatch ♪
- Why? ♪
Pretty women all up on my arm ♪
I don't think I need
to get more charm. ♪