Derek s01e03 Episode Script

Did you cut off too much? You fixing the table? Uh-huh.
Wobbly leg? Wobbly leg.
All right, gang? Derek? Douglas? All right, Kev.
- Yeah.
- Jesus.
Ooh Knackered, ain't we? Mmm.
Why? Why? Cos we've been having sexual intercourse since yesterday afternoon.
Have we not? Yeah.
Non-stop body rock.
Mmm.
Was I good? Absolutely.
Straight from the horse's mouth - no offence, Janice.
It's OK.
On your way.
Thank you, enjoyed that.
Very nice.
Happy with that.
Let's give my little balls a bit of breathing space.
Yeah.
He's fixing the table.
- Is he? - Yeah.
What a night.
Yeah.
I'm not really bothered, Kev.
She was relentless.
Yeah, keep it to yourself, eh? Wanted to go on top at one point, Derek.
Imagine that.
Derek, don't ask any questions.
Started rolling towards me, I was like, "No, no, please don't!" It was like bloody Tiananmen Square.
Hand pump, after hand pump, after hand pump, after hand pump.
Good one.
Ah! Brilliant! Don't believe it! Toad.
What? Got a toad.
Where did it come from? Did it come from there? Lick it.
What? Lick the toad.
Why? Good.
Tasty.
Taste the toad.
Go on, Derek.
Go on.
That's it.
Horrible.
Dougie, I've licked I licked a toad.
You what? I licked a toad.
- You've licked a toad? - Yeah.
What did you lick a toad for? Kev told me to.
Why are listening to him? What did you tell him to lick a toad for, you dick? Ah! Dougie, baby bird.
What is it? It's a little baby bird, but it's fallen.
You shouldn't have picked it up.
Oh, God.
It's ill.
Yeah, it's dying.
- It's trembling.
- It is dying.
I know, but it's fallen out of the thing.
Got a baby bird.
Emergency everyone.
Look, found a baby bird.
Hannah, found a baby bird.
Fallen out of its nest so it's all weak and everything.
Call the RSPCA.
- Oh, I can't call the RSPCA, Derek.
- Why not? I think you should put it back where you found it.
I can't.
What if a cat gets it, or a magpie or summat? Put it somewhere safe, Derek.
No, no Call Rolf Harris! I can't, don't be silly.
I can't call Rolf Harris.
Call Bill Oddie.
Call Bill Oddie.
- No, I'm not going to call Bill Oddie.
- Why not? Well, I haven't got his number.
Well, this is sickening.
Aaargh! What to do? He's living in a dream word, ain't he? Eh? Scruffy old bird looks a bit peaky and he wants to start calling Bill Oddie up? A few scruffy old birds in here, but we don't go about calling The Goodies do we? All right? Derek? What? - Have you called an ambulance? - What? Did you call an ambulance? Did you call 999? I had to.
No-one was helping and my bird was dying.
Uh-oh! Someone's going to jail! Derek, what are you going to say? I'm just going to tell the truth.
Joan says Someone called an ambulance? Needing treatment? Yeah.
It was for me.
I'm sorry but I panicked.
I didn't feel too well, so Derek called, just in case.
All right? So not any pain in your arms? No aching or anything like that? 'Scuse me, my bird's not very well.
I found it It was out of its nest.
Can you save it? That's actually dead.
What? It's dead.
It's probably best to leave it where it is in the future.
Thank you.
Have you had anything to eat today? No.
You should have a little bite to eat, Marge, honestly.
Hey! Oh, what you doing here? You said to swing by for lunch.
Did I? Yeah.
Well, I can't OK.
Do you want a cup of tea? No, I should eat.
No worries.
You know, I keep letting him down.
I mean, I feel bad about it, but it's the job.
So, sometimes he hangs around, but it's not fair on him.
You know, what can I do? Put 'em out.
I want them straight.
Making cakes, to sell at the jumble sale to help funding.
We fund ourselves now.
And we gets the ingredients and we makes 'em ourselves, cost them in and then we sells them at a profit.
Like The Apprentice, innit? Kev's helping, ain't ya? Yeah.
Dougie doesn't help, he keeps an eye on Kev to make sure he doesn't do anything wrong.
Ah! Oh, no.
I forgot.
I weighed the flour in that and Hannah said I've got to never use that scale again.
Why? Cos he weighed his knob on 'em.
Eight ounces of pure blood sausage coming right at ya.
Just collecting some bits for the jumble sale.
Bits and pieces.
I'd have 'em every week, me.
Chance to have a clear out.
Collect all these bits and bobs that are knocking about the place - just shit.
Shit in every room.
I haven't been in that one, I know there'll be shit in there that I can take to the jumble sale, hopefully flog it.
If they've bought it, there's gotta be someone else out there, but it's all shit.
If at the jumble sale someone says, "What do you do with that?" "I don't know.
Why don't you just put it there?" This probably looks bad, that I'm going in these rooms when they're not there, just helping myself to stuff for the jumble sale, but are they really going to miss that? Look.
These are the sort of things I'm talking about.
What's that doing there? A pot frog, stuff like that.
Jumble.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
See ya, Derek.
Bye.
See you.
Off to jumble sale.
See you later.
You got the pens? I've got the paper.
Where they going? Jumble? Yeah.
Yeah, we don't go jumble.
No.
Everything new, everything.
Why would you even go to them? It's all filthy.
I don't even give to jumble sales or charity shops.
Yeah, we just burn it, don't we? Stops the pikeys getting hold of it.
'Shelley's Marge's daughter.
Yeah.
She's' She's a bit of a gobby cow.
Is that too harsh? No, she is a gobby cow.
That's my ring, isn't it, Mum? She's going to leave it to me.
No.
We'll see.
It's already mine, really, isn't it? I haven't finished with it yet.
I'll wear it till I go.
Yeah, but you promised me it.
Can't go back on it now.
My Stan gave me that.
My Dad.
It's beautiful.
He sold his car to buy me that.
Still, life goes on.
'They're here for the ring, aren't they? 'So obvious, so obvious.
'They want that ring when she goes.
' If I could, I'd have a word with Marge and say, "Look, why don't you sell it? "Sell the ring, get a little bit of money and enjoy the last, "you know, time that you have.
"Go to bingo, buy gin, piss it right up the wall.
"Just do anything with it, just so Shelley can't have it.
" It annoys me.
What did you say when he said he'd sold his car? I thought he was daft .
.
but I knew he was the man for me.
Must be lovely to be that loved.
It was.
Anyway Better get going, hadn't we? Better things to do than this.
I've got to top up the car with petrol.
All right, Mum, you going to have a lovely dinner something? Come on.
Ta-ta, then.
Who wants a cup of tea? Yeah? - Hey.
- Ready? Oh, Tom! I'm short-staffed.
Don't Tom! Forget it.
Don't matter.
No, no Tom, stop, hang on, come back a minute! Come back, come back.
Don't strop off like that.
You make me look like a fucking dick.
If it's going to be like this every day, what's the point? If you don't want to go out, say you don't want to.
I do want to go out, but we're short-staffed.
I really do want to go out.
- I promise we'll go out tomorrow.
- Promise me now.
Please don't do this, it's really You don't need to get upset.
It's not personal.
I'll book somewhere.
Brilliant, we'll do that.
- Yeah? - Book it.
Good.
Right, seven o'clock tomorrow.
Good.
That sounds like fun.
That's good, then.
Yes.
Now, go and do your work.
Well, I will.
All right.
Just needs a new battery.
It should work now.
So that's the volume.
Turn the TV up with that one, change the channel with that one.
Right, volume and change Dougie! Dougie! Yeah? Can't believe my luck.
Bought it at jumble sale.
Why did you buy that? - What? - Why did you buy it? To go with the other one.
No, there isn't another one.
That's the one we gave away.
That was there this morning.
What? This is shit.
I gave it you to sell.
We gave it to jumble sale to get rid of, cos it's shit.
Stop looking over there, Derek.
That is the one we had this morning.
We got rid of it cos it's shit.
- We didn't need it, now you're buying it back.
- Yeah.
Yeah, well we don't need it.
Derek, will you stop looking over there.
- There isn't another one, you keep - Why not? Because why would they make two of them? Why would they Let me have it.
Why would they make two of them? Look at it.
Why would you ever make two of them? It was made in China, they made one of 'em, they turned the machine off immediately after they saw what they'd produced.
We don't need any more of them in the world and you've bought it back.
It was a chance to get it out of here.
Right, shall I put it there, where the other one was? If you want, yeah.
And then Unbelievable! Where's the one that was there? Needs the other one now.
There wasn't another one, Derek.
That is the one.
Yeah.
There was only ever one.
Yes, but then I got another at the jumble sale.
Where's the frog that was there? Oh, fuck knows.
My favourite frog? Unbelievable.
A chance to get rid of shit and he's buying 'em back.
The whole thing about this is frustrating.
Lucky I found that one, if we've lost the other one.
Yeah.
I'm leaving early for once.
Well it's only about an hour late.
So, going to a restaurant - French.
She's not very well.
So Theresa's putting her to bed.
She's called a doctor.
And she's called Hannah cos she's panicking.
Hannah will sort her out.
Hannah.
Yeah.
How's she doing? Tom.
Bloody hell, she's nice.
I didn't realise.
I knew she was nice.
No, you don't understand, mate.
He understands it more than you do, mate.
Butting in again, mate.
Focus on your fucking plug.
It's every time you open your mouth, you spout out bullshit all the time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're one boring prat! Well, I'll call you later.
Bye.
See you later.
Yeah, maybe.
Hi.
How you doing? - Hello, darling.
- You all right? Oh, I thought, I thought you'd gone home.
Don't worry about it.
He's gone off in a strop.
Oh.
Go get him, then.
I'd rather be here with you.
Oh.
You afraid I might die? "The din of work is subdued.
"Another day has westered "and mantling darkness arrived.
"Peace! Peace! Devoid your portrait of its vexations and rest.
"Your daily round is done with.
"My secret penis that my husband never knew about.
" Hey.
Hi.
I thought I'd bring the restaurant here.
McDonald's and wine.
I can smell McDonald's.
Yeah.
You want some? Yes, please.
OK.
Thank you.
How is she? Is she bad? I'm not dead yet, though.
Ooh, I'm parched.
Can you get me a cup of tea? Yeah, course.
I won't be a minute.
OK.
When you gonna ask her to marry you, then? We've only been going out for a bit.
Well, you've had your bit, now you should marry her.
I haven't got any money.
So? So I don't even have a car I can sell to buy her a ring.
Ah! Well you'd better give her this one, then.
No, I'm not taking that.
I'm not giving it to you.
I'm giving it to Hannah.
What if we don't get married? You'd be an idiot.
Trust me, you're not all that.
Charming! 'It's one of the hardest bits of the job.
'Well, it's part of the job.
'Well, it's part of life.
' Morning, Derek.
Marge passed away in the night.
She wasn't in any pain.
'I can't stand it.
'I loves working here, but I'm always sad.
'I'm gonna stay, though.
'To help with people that are still alive.
' I mean, when they're dead, they're not sad any more.
And I'd rather be sad than anyone else.
I mean, you know, he cries and he gets frustrated.
He curses the death of his friends.
His family, really.
But he's, he's a professional, you know.
Because it's not about him.
He only ever asks one question, "What can I do?" And whatever it is, no matter how hard, he does it.
And it's not easy, you know.
Cos everybody's different.
There isn't one answer.
You know, I've had residents crying, asking why on earth are they being kept alive and then, across the room, I got a 90-year-old who still feels that they're 25 inside and they wanna run and jump over a wall and carry on their adventure, you know.
And I stop 'em cos it's not safe.
But Derek, he'd run and get a ladder.
Hiya, you all right? Yeah.
Where's the ring? Sorry? You gave me a bagful of her crap.
Where's the ring? Sorry - The ring.
- Everything she had was in there.
Yeah, well, it's not here, OK.
I know what you lot are like, why you take these jobs.
Pardon? What are you implying? So you can take whatever you want.
Just call the police.
Hang on, calm down.
You're upsetting everybody.
What are you implying? No-one's stolen it.
Tom's got it.
Eh? What? Marge gave it to Tom to give to Hannah for when they gets married.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You'd better call this Tom.
Hang on a minute.
Derek, are you sure? Yeah, I was there.
And she, she gave it, she gave it to Tom and said, "That's for when you marries Hannah.
" Right, well, you'd better call this Tom.
OK, I'll call Tom.
Give me a minute.
Is she looking at me? She keeps looking at Tom! She wants this ring back.
All right.
Have you got the ring? Yeah.
It's your ring, is it? Yes.
Yeah, well, she gave it to me to give to her if I ever asked her to marry me, so Oh, how lovely! But, obviously, if that ever happened, we'd get another one, so Yeah, good, get another one.
Give me the ring.
Thank you.
It's not fair.
It's not fair! It's not your ring.
Marge gave it to him to give to her.
It's nothing to do with you.
Sorry, should he even be working here? What? Sorry, what do you mean? Well, you know What? Just say it.
Who are you? I'm her daughter, that's who I am.
Who are you? You must be proud of yourself.
I am, actually! Like a fucking magpie, coming in, getting anything shiny.
You didn't give a shit about your mam.
Hannah's been looking after her.
I've been very busy, actually.
Oh, you've been busy? Doesn't matter any more, does it? Your mam's dead.
- You've got your ring, haven't you? - Yes.
Lovely, that.
You've got the ring.
Fuck off, then! Fuck off! All right, thank you.
Fuck off! You and all! I tell you what, take your box with you, as well.
It's your mam's memories here.
You don't give a shit about that, do you? Fucking makes me sick! Come on! Fucking hell, as if she needs jewellery.
Mr fucking T! I'd better get on.
Good work, mate.
What? Don't let 'em put chains on you.
Huh? Nah, remain a lone ranger like me.
You know, roaming the land.
Your trusty six gun in your pants, shooting whatever you want.
Pfft, pfft, pfft-pfft pfft, pfft, pfft-pfft! Have you ever actually had sex with an actual woman? I mean, like an intelligent, attractive, non-mental, non-alky, non-drug addict, sentient woman? What does that leave? Like, a normal girl.
We can't all be that fussy, mate.
Good catching up.
Adios, amigo.