Derek s02e04 Episode Script

1 Yes, that's really coming on there.
Lovely.
Ripped By mstoll Make sure you don't leave any white between the, er, the fruit there.
(CLEARS THROAT) Try and get all the colour in.
Yeah? Really coming on.
Keep at it.
Lovely.
- Hmm.
You've added a cat.
- Yeah.
Ha! That's perfectly fine.
A real artist paints what he sees personally so Yeah, I drawed it cos I wishes there was a cat there anyway.
- OK.
- I always wishes there was a cat there.
I wish there Oh! Next time, we should draw a cat.
Good idea.
It's a true story.
(SHE SIGHS) Don't see any fruit.
Oh, there's fruit, love.
I got a kumquat up my rectum.
The dwarf can't believe his luck.
HANNAH: We do loads of classes.
Every week, we got art, book club, yoga.
Roll your shoulders back.
HANNAH: They love it.
Keeps them all mentally and physically fit.
And then forward.
That's it, and then onto all fours like this.
And then just look up to the ceiling.
Like that.
Don't forget to breathe.
That's it.
And lift your right leg up! And lift your left leg up.
I fucking love Wednesdays.
Yeah, we do it every Wednesday now.
It's good You know, it's good for the circulation, good for their heart.
Vicky takes the class.
Not everyone joins in, you know.
Joe doesn't do it any more cos of his wig.
He don't say that but it's obvious.
Oh, stop it.
Is that why? - Well, yeah.
- Oh, bless him.
Well, I could I could offer to like glue it or pin it or You can't.
You can't.
Because then you'd be saying it's a wig and then he'd know that we know.
Oh, come on.
He must know we know it's a wig.
No, he's saying his hair grew back.
So, we've got to be like, "Oh, my God! It's a miracle!" Oh.
I don't see the point of wigs, me.
It's so obvious.
It moves.
- DEREK: Flipping heck.
- HANNAH: What? See, I knew it.
No-one wants to get in contact with me.
I knews that.
But that's why I didn't want to go on there.
It's embarrassing.
These things take time.
It takes a long time to meet someone special.
Look at me and Tom.
He just came in and you started going out with him.
Well, yeah, but it it can take a long time.
People are busy.
Geoff says it's cos my picture is horrendous.
- Well, don't listen to Geoff.
- Why not? Well, you can't believe everything he says.
How do I know which bits to believe and what not to believe? - Well, check with me first.
- OK.
Firstly, if you gives a pigeon Alka-Seltzer, does it really explode? Why would you give a pigeon Alka-Seltzer? I wouldn't.
- But, erm - Who's giving pigeons Alka-Seltzer? - Geoff said it happens.
It explodes it.
- No.
- Oh, right.
- That doesn't happen.
What are you Why are you carrying stuff? - Because they need to go over there.
- You can't HANNAH: Tom's doing my head in, to be honest.
I mean, it's sweet, but he's fussing a little bit too much.
Everybody's fussing too much, you know? It's like a community baby.
Edna tried to give me ã10 today to open a bank account for it.
It's that big at this stage.
You don't need a bank account when you're that big, really.
Well, when you're young, you don't want to waste time, do you? Hey.
What you doing? What you doing? - What? - You shouldn't be carrying stuff.
- What? - We talked about that.
- I'm fine.
Do you want a coffee? - You're not having a coffee? I am.
Oh, come on, have a tea.
Have a herbal tea.
Cos even tea's got tannin and caffeine in.
If I want to have a coffee, I'll have a coffee.
I'm thinking of taking up crack, just to annoy him.
What about this one? That's my favourite one.
- Oh, that's lovely.
Oh, I like that.
- HANNAH: All right? Hannah, look.
He's found a lovely buggy.
- Just right.
- TOM: It is right.
- Just think about - I don't know if we can afford it.
It's a bit early to worry about a buggy, innit? And Nan's been making a bonnet.
Look at that.
Isn't it adorable? Well We're going to the zoo today.
I'm I'm just getting in the mood, looking at my favouritest videos on YouTube.
Animal videos, with a song, usually.
This one is, um one of my favourite songs ever.
- Baby Bunny.
- (COMPUTER MOUSE CLICKS) MALE RAPPER: You're so tiny and cute Yeah, you're all about love In your little furry suit That is of which I'm talking of - Some people try to put you down - Hamster.
A hamster in there.
But you just eat the celery in their face You're gonna hop around the world And all up into outer space - Yeahl Baby bunny - (MOUTHS) Hop-hop a-doo-bi-di-bool Baby bunny, ooh, ooh, baby bunnyl Hop-hop a-doo-bi-di-bool Baby bunny, ooh, waa-oohl - Baby bunny! - Hop-hop a-doo-bi-di-boo! Baby bunny, waa-oohl Keep on keepin' on Bringin'on that fuzzy Baby bunnyl I loves him.
I loves the hamster too but I don't know what he's doing there.
It's not about him.
We're off to the zoo today, which I think is probably Derek's best day ever.
He loves being with the animals.
What he doesn't know is that I've arranged for him to be keeper for a day, which means that he can actually get in with the animals.
He's going to love it.
It's going to blow his mind.
You look nice for the zoo.
Oh, cheers.
Is that cos you're on the prowl? Well, you never know who you're going to meet, do you? (CHUCKLES) No.
Good point.
I don't want to go to the zoo looking like a skank or nothing.
- You can't have that, can you? - (VICKY LAUGHS) Oh.
Hello! Can I help you? Yes, um I just, er My mum wanted to drop in to see if it was somewhere she might like to I mean, she doesn't have to, but she just wanted to - OK.
have a little look.
- Right, OK.
Hello.
What's your name? - It's Pat, but she's deaf.
Oh, right.
Can she lip-read? Not really.
Her eyesight's not what it was, so - OK.
- Hello! Hello.
How are you? - This is Pat.
She's deaf.
- Oh.
There was an old lady what used to live here that was deaf, taught me.
I'm Derek.
Which is that innit? Derek.
She knows.
Everyone, this is Pat.
- She's deaf.
- Oh! Some of them learnt a little bit.
Arthur, you just said, "Haddock.
" - DEREK: Sorry about that.
- (HANNAH CHUCKLES) - We were actually going to the zoo today.
- Yeah.
- But you're welcome to stay.
- Oh! - Yeah.
- Um Yes, she would like to, thank you.
- Oh, that's great.
- Yeah.
Lovely.
Well - Where shall we go? - This way? Yeah.
- This way? - Yeah.
DEREK: Giraffes.
Penguins.
Emu.
Er tortoises.
Wallabies.
Anteaters.
Meerkats.
Absolutely everything here.
Oh! Gorillas.
Gorillas, my favouritest animal.
And tigers, my favouritest animal.
They're all my favouritest.
All animals are my favouritest animal.
Except spiders.
I'm not even looking over there.
We're not going in the bug place, just in case.
- DEREK: Gapa-Iogas.
- KEV: That's it.
- Galapogases.
- Gala-pos Islands.
Yeah.
That's where they come from, don't they? Galapogas.
I had a few nights with those.
Ooh.
- Bearded pigs? - Bearded pigs.
GEOFF: They've gone off to the zoo today so, basically, I'm in charge.
Essentially.
I'm looking after the home.
Keeping 'em in line.
What's to be in charge of? D'you know what I mean? It's like being in charge of the necropolis.
Shove a blanket on 'em and leave "em.
DEREK: I love penguins.
It's magical.
Watch him catch it.
Watch.
See that? Oh! It's got a haircut like Dougie.
Ain't he? Look, he's full.
Come on.
KEV: Them aardvarks have got it right, haven't they? 24/7.
Soixante-neuf.
Innit? End of the day.
Tried it with Janice once.
What a messy five minutes that was.
(GEOFF SIGHING) It's boring as anything.
Hannah's always running around, whittling.
You know, "Oh, I've got to get that ready.
I've got to do this.
I've got" Always busy.
Do you know what I mean? But there's nothing to do.
What is there to be in charge of? I don't know how much she earns, but she's overpaid, whatever it is.
I could be doing that.
See, Hannah's pregnant, ain't she? So she's going to be off soon.
You know what I mean? That's how much she cares for this job.
She's going to be off having a baby, ain't she? Who's going to look after it then? Who's going to keep the place running then? Don't know.
She hasn't even thought about that.
(HIGH-PITCHED) "I want a baby.
" You know what I mean? "Oh, I'm desperate for a baby.
" I do want to be a mum.
I I didn't really think I'd get a chance, to be honest, or want to.
But Tom's brought that out in me.
(LAUGHS) I'm not used to babies.
I'm used to people at the other end of the life cycle.
It's exciting.
Erm I'm looking forward to being a dad.
I think it's a good time for it, as well.
Erm I don't have a lot going on career-wise, so that makes sense.
And, erm, I think we're at the right age.
TOM: Do you know what I mean? Like it's sort of now or never, so Oh! This is incredible.
This is my bestest day ever.
He looks exactly like Arthur.
Innit? Spitting image.
Kill me.
If I end up in here, just kill me.
Seriously.
I'm not even joking, mate.
Just do it.
(SIGHS) It's like being in prison, ain't it? Right.
Well.
I'm off to put a bet on, anyway.
Done my 40 hours this week, so All right? No idea.
- Oh.
Please.
- What? Would you post my birthday card? - It's got to get there tomorrow morning.
- What? Well, there's no stamp.
Oh, would you get one? What? Money.
- Ooh.
- GEOFF: Know what I mean? Well, I I've only got a five-pound note.
Right.
Well, that'll do, thank you.
They think the world owes them a living, don't they? What? - Here we are again.
- Oh, did you post my card? Yes, I posted your card.
Was there any change from the five-pound note? Well, if there was, I'd keep it for going out of my way, wouldn't I? Unbelievable, innit? DEREK: She's she's determined.
She's after my toes.
Luckily, I can outrun a tortoise.
See his tongue? Look at his tongue.
KEV: I could have some fun with that.
You seen Joe's wig? It's a wig, innit? Can you tell it's a wig? You can, can't you? Whigfield! He heard then, didn't he? Shall I pull it off? Shall I pull his wig off? Do you dare me? Erm Joe.
Hannah called.
We've got to wash all the rugs.
Starting with yours.
Everyone knows it's a wig, mate.
- I don't have a wig.
- (GUFFAWS) No? What do you reckon, Jack? Jack? Do you reckon he's got a wig? Says it's not a wig, it's not a wig.
All right.
- My hair grew back.
- Right.
So if I pull it, it won't come off, then, will it? His hair grew back.
All right.
OK.
Can't take a joke, can you? Can't even have a joke.
Unbelievable.
Pathetic.
Sit down, mate.
Sit down, old man.
- Yes.
- (THEY LAUGH) - KEV: We're just looking at ostriches.
- DEREK: Emus.
What's the difference? Rod Hull had an emu.
Bernie Clifton was on an ostrich.
That's how I tells, anyway.
- (EMU CRIES) - KEV: Anyway.
I just just want to get it out there, mate.
What? All those problems we've been having, me and Janice.
- I dunno.
- Yeah, you do.
Yeah.
She left me.
Been putting it about a bit.
Word on the street, she's now called the hefty gobbler.
Ah.
Nah, we're better than ever now.
Sex.
- I dunno.
- Yeah, you do.
- I don't know.
- Proper good make-up sex.
Cos what with all her issues, you know, premature balding, breathing, asthma, eczema, constricted nasal passages constant constipation I've added into the mix a little bit of guilt and shame.
Proper heady cocktail in the bedroom, mate.
Mm.
Right, then.
On to the rodents.
ANDY: Hello.
- Hello.
- You all right? Are you guys students? - (CHUCKLES) No, bit old for that.
- (THEY CHUCKLE) Oh, we just get a lot of field trips.
I thought you might have been at university together.
No, we work at an old people's home.
- Ah.
- She's my boss.
- Oh, the boss, eh? - Mm.
Yeah, she's pregnant and all.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I'd love to settle down, but I haven't found a girl who'll have me yet.
Ha! I'd love to be a dad.
- I'd have it.
- ANDY: Sorry? I I said I won't have it, that you can't find a girl.
Oh, it's just cos I work all hours.
You know, I'm here in the day, and then at night sometimes I'm, er I'm an actor.
Which usually means out-of-work actor.
Shut up! What have you been in? Erm nothing you would have seen, just, erm, I do theatre mostly.
Aw! I I adore the theatre.
Yeah? What theatre do you like? Erm well, I love the one in town.
Er do you want to come there for a drink some time? It's got a bar.
They don't just do plays and that.
Yeah, that would be great.
All right, erm, are you on Twitter? I'll follow you.
Erm no.
Facebook? No, erm, I'm in the phone book.
What's that? Like an app? - I should take your number.
- Yeah, go on, then.
- What's your name? - Er Victoria.
Nice to meet you, Victoria.
I'm Andy.
- Do you come to the zoo often, do you? - Er no.
- First time.
- Right.
Thanks.
- Um just give me a call, yeah? - I will.
- Tonight.
- OK.
We're back at five, so whenever you're ready.
OK.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Fuck me.
He's fit, ain't he? - Fucking hell.
- Well, you styled it out.
Yeah, thanks.
Yeah, cos no-one would have been able to tell you liked him.
- You think? - Mm.
(MEERKATS SQUEAKING) Hah! (LOW CHATTER) Hello.
Hello.
I got some things.
I got to sort them out, though.
Hold on.
(LOW CHATTER) - Oh, yeah? - Hello.
- Did you go to the zoo? - Look, there.
HANNAH: That's fantastic.
We saw a monkey what looked exactly like Arthur.
- (OTHERS LAUGH) - There you go, there you go.
Elephant.
Elephant.
(OTHERS LAUGH) Look, and so I got another thing to to talk to.
- I can do my ven ventrilo - Ventriloquism.
- What is it? - Ventriloquism.
- What is it? - Ventriloquism.
What? (SIGHS) Fuck's sake! Why ain't he called yet? You only met him an hour ago.
Victoria met Mr Right.
- Ooh.
- Er no, I don't know about Mr Right.
- He is Mr Fit, though, ain't he? - HANNAH: Mm.
Oh, come on, call me! (SIGHS) Why didn't I take his number? Oh, for Christ's sake.
Got my phone on loud and everything so I don't miss the call.
(SIGHS) This is why I don't bother.
Do you know what I mean? Phone calls are so stressful.
Like texting, DMing, it's easier.
- He did seem like a nice bloke.
- VICKY: Yeah.
I thought he was lovely.
Hey, Sheila, you'll be well proud of me.
He's a nice one.
Proper gentleman.
Well, make sure you let him know you're a lady.
Ha.
Don't worry, Sheila.
When I get the chance, I'm going to lay his fucking brains out.
Er ha.
Right, well, I'm going to go to the loo.
When I get back, I'll help you stare at your phone, yeah? - Whatever.
Do you want a cuppa? - Yes, please.
It was unbelievable.
And they let me get in with the giant tortoises.
You know giant tortoises? They're not, you know, little tortoises, they were giant tortoises.
- And they was older than you, right - Ooh! and, erm one of them was heavier than Janice.
They told me it was heavy, and, yeah, it was incredible.
- (DEREK TALKING) - (SHE SIGHS) Seriously, though, girls, he's so sexy.
Should have got a picture for you.
He's well nice.
I'll bring him in one day, if you want, meet you.
Love him.
That's why I've still got my coat on.
Soon as he calls, I'm off.
Hmm.
Yeah, no, I ain't letting this one go, that's for sure.
He's well nice, I tell you.
DEREK: The wallabies and the emus.
They're both from Australia.
Even though they're different, they gets along.
Kev said he was waiting for the emu to have sex with the kangaroo.
- I said that would never happen.
- Yeah.
- Vicky? - You all right? (WHISPERS) Have you got any tampons? Not on me.
What do you need tampons for? You're preg - Fuck, Hannah, are you all right? - I'm going to go to the doctor.
Tom was supposed to meet me here, but I can't get hold of him, so - (PHONE RINGS) he must be on the tube.
I'II I'll tell him to to call you as soon as he gets here.
That'll be Andy.
Do you want me to tell him to go straight to the doctor's or just call you? Andy, can you call me back later, please? Cheers.
Just tell Tom to call me the minute he gets here, yeah? - Yeah, I know, I will.
It's just - I'm not worried.
as long as you're all right.
- I'll speak to you as soon as I can.
All right, ditto.
- Where's she going? - Er Derek, come here.
- What? - She's, erm (CAR PULLING OFF OUTSIDE) That's why she's gone to the doctor, then? Yeah.
(INAUDIBLE) (WISTFUL MUSIC) - (MUSIC DOMINATES) - (SPEECH MUTED) (SIGHS) I'm gutted.
Everyone got a little bit ahead of themselves.
You know, it wasn't meant to be this time.
It's fine.
DEREK: Would it sort have been my nephew? I wanted to hold it.
That's my favourite thing.
Holding little things.
Hugging.
Makes you feel good, hugging, don't it? Cos it it reminds you of when you was little and when it was real safe, and it makes you safe again.
Also, I never knows what to say so I just hugs.
And that sort of says it all, don't it? (BIRDSONG) What a week.
Still.
Life goes on.
VICKY: OK, and arch your back.
That's it.
Lift your right leg up.
That's it, and then down and lift your left leg up.
There we go.
And look up to the ceiling.
Don't forget to breathe.
And then sit back on it.
That's it.
And breathe.
Give your shoulders a little little shake-up.
And down.
Ripped By mstoll