Dharma & Greg s01e01 Episode Script

Leo, Sagittarius and Aries.
Very good.
Now the water signs? Pisces, Scorpio- Abby, look, policemen.
And what do we say to policemen? I have a Fourth Amendment right prohibiting you from conducting an unreasonable search.
Yeah.
Give me some skin.
I cannot believe we're taking the train.
Fine.
We'll stand in the rain and watch cabs go by.
- This is fun.
- No, it's not.
It's public transportation.
Don't touch anything.
Everything's dirty.
Don't stare at strangers.
They'll want money.
What did your fatherjust tell you? Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Gregory, really.
Come here.
Schmuck.
When areyou gonna stop mopin'? I just can't stop thinking about that girl on the train.
I'm an idiot.
I should have gone after her.
I should have talked to her.
No, no, no, you shouldn't have, and I'll tell you why.
You would have gone over, you would have said somethin' nice like "You were lookin' at me.
I knowyou want me.
" Next thing you know, you're rollin' around on the floorwith a face full of pepper spray.
- Good talkin' toya, Pete.
- Hey, anytime.
I'm here foryou, man.
Well, hello.
What tookyou so long? Well, uh- H-How- Ho-o-ow did I find you? Yeah.
"Greg Montgomery, Assistant U.
S.
Attorney, files mob indictment.
" See, that's you right next to the guy with the coat over his head.
This is amazing.
I know.
Is this a wild universe orwhat? - Yeah.
- Dharma.
Dharma Finkelstein.
- Dharma Finkelstein? - Yeah, I know.
My dad was Jewish, but hewished hewas the Dalai Lama.
- Let's go! - Where are we going? We have to get to know each other.
I mean, we obviously know each other on a spiritual level otherwise we wouldn't be here.
But on a practical level, we have a lot of catching up to do.
- You lost me.
- I know, but that was another lifetime and I promise I won't let it happen again.
[ Sighs .]
Doyou like organ music? - Organ music? - [Organ: "Charge!".]
I gotta admit, he's pretty good.
I know.
Wait till he does the Mexican Hat Dance.
He rocks.
I wouldn't have pegged you for a baseball fan.
No, I'm not.
I just love to listen to organ music and scream.
You can scream anything you want at a baseball game, and it doesn't even have to make sense? - No.
- Yep.
Watch this.
Come on, big guy, driveyour coffee table to Idaho.
Whoo! - Try it.
It's fun.
- No, that's okay.
Whoo! Nectarine time! Combyour frog! - Hey, Gidget, shut up.
- Excuse me? - I'm not talking toyou.
- You are now.
Oh, yeah? Who the hell areyou? Greg Montgomery,Justice Department.
You have two options.
Eitheryou can apologize to the lady, orwe'll take a little ride over to Customs - and have a chat about these Cuban cigars ofyours.
- Oh, man.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
God, that's so sweet.
Nobody has ever intimidated someone for me before.
- Thankyou.
- You're welcome.
- You deserve a reward.
- What'd you have in mind? Doyou like blueberry pie? - Sure.
- Come on.
[ Organ .]
- But the Giants are winning.
- Who? You know, they have pie in San Francisco.
Mmm.
Not this pie.
You're right.
It's the best pie I've ever had in my life.
How did you find this place? Oh, my family lived in Reno for a coupleyears till my dad fixed the van.
Where was I? - In a Navajo sweat lodge with a guy named Gunther.
- Oh, right.
So this old medicine man walks up to us and says, "Ifyou look into the eyes ofyour soul mate you'll be able to see all the generations you'll create.
" - Isn't that wild? - Yeah.
Yeah.
So then I look into Gunther's eyes, and I can't even see next Thursday.
Isn't that wild? Yeah.
Yeah.
So what do we do now? I don't know.
What doyou usually do? Me? Well, I definitely don't fly to Reno for pie.
I mean, I'd usually exchange phone numbers with you.
We'd start dating.
Things would go prettywell at first, until I started calling you too much then you'd get annoyed and start screening your calls.
So I call you really late 'cause I knowyou'll be home.
You pick up.
I panic, hang up.
You star-69 me.
I'm too embarrassed to ever talk toyou again, so we break up.
[ Screams .]
Let's not do that.
Believe me, I do not want to do that, especiallywith you.
God, I wish there was some way we could just skip the dating part.
Why can't we? [ Organ: "Bridal Chorus".]
[ "Charge!" .]
Honey, it's our song! - That was incredible.
- Mmm, I know.
I'm glad we waited till afterwe were married.
We're married.
I can't believe it.
- Are we nuts? - Yeah.
But think ofthe great story we'll be able to tell our children.
Oh, good, you wanna have children? Yeah, unless you wanna have them.
We should probably get some sleep.
Yeah.
What time is it? - 8:00 a.
m.
- Oh, the pie shop just opened.
I'll jump in the shower.
Wanna join me? Honey, I've been joining you forthe last eight hours.
[Phone Ringing.]
- Hello.
- [Phone Ringing.]
- [Rings .]
- [ Grunts .]
[Rings .]
- [ Rings .]
- [ Grunts .]
Greg's pants.
He's not in them right now.
This is- This is Dharma.
Who's this? Oh, hello, Gregory's mother.
No, he's in the shower right now.
May I take a message? Lunch atyour place, 1 :00.
We'll be there.
Me and Greg.
Oh, actually, can we make it 2:00, 'cause we're in Nevada? Okay, good.
Okay, good-bye, Gregory's mother.
- Honey, what's takingyou so long.
- [Water Running.]
- I was talking to your mother.
- [ WaterStops .]
What? Hurry up.
We have to be at your parents' house by 2:00.
What? [ Whirring .]
All right.
I just gotta change my clothes, and we're outta here.
- Hi,Jane.
- Hey, Dharma.
- What's going on? - Breakin' up with Ivan.
Is that his motorcycle? It used to be.
Now it's garbage.
Well, I got some news too.
- Yeah, what? - I got married.
- Shut up.
- No, you shut up.
- Shut up.
- No, you shut up.
This is my husband, Greg.
This is incredible.
Congratulations! - Thanks.
- Cool.
Ifyou cause my friend any emotional pain whatsoever I'll punish you in ways you can't even imagine.
Okay.
Okay.
I gotta fiinish this befiore Ivan wakes up.
- Nice meetin' you, Greg.
- Pleasure.
Oh, it's the boys! Hello, boys.
Greg, I want you to meet my dog, Stinky.
And this is Stinky's dog, Nunzio.
Stinky has his own dog? Yes.
It was his bar mitzvah present.
Well, what doyou think? I've never seen anything like it.
Good! That's what I was goin' for.
Ah, Dharma, there's a naked woman in your apartment.
Abby, I have someone I wantyou to meet.
What? Oh, I'm sorry.
.
She always takes her clothes off when she paints.
- Is she your roommate? - No, it's my mother.
The naked woman is your mother.
Do you have anyTums? - Hi, honey.
- Hi.
How's the mural coming? Oh, boy.
Well, I had a lot oftrouble with the face ofGod so on yourwall Adam and Eve are created byJaniceJoplin.
Cool.
Guess what? - What? - I got married.
- Shut up.
- No, you shut up! Wow, Dharma! Oh, sweetie! [ Gasps .]
Abby, I wantyou to meet my husband, Greg.
God, I love saying that.
Greg.
Oh, wow, congratulations! Thankyou.
I'm going to take very good care ofyour daughter.
- Give meyour hand.
- Oh, I love this part.
- What? - Give meyour hand.
Okay.
Long life line.
That's good.
What am I doing? You two probablywanna have sex.
Oh, actually, we were just on ourway to Greg's parents.
- I don't know, honey, do we have time? - Um- Hey, Abby, ifiyou're not coming back, I'm gonna eat the apple.
Hello! Let me guess.
That's your father.
Yeah, he's posing for Adam.
Listen, Dharma, when Larry comes back out Iet's say the two ofyou are living together, okay? It's not you, Greg, it's Larry.
He's opposed to marriage.
He hates that natural love has been co-opted by the fascist state.
- Hey, pumpkin.
- [Dharma .]
Hi, Larry.
.
- I'm doin' Adam.
- I heard.
Larry, this is Greg.
Yeah, and they are about to have sex, so we should probably leave.
Dig it.
- He's cute, don't you think? - I smell a lawyer.
- My parents.
- Oh, I'll change.
Okay.
Don't thinkyou can change that much.
- Finkelstein? - Mm-hmm.
- Edward, what's the name of ourJewish friends? - The Gottliebs, dear.
Right, the Gottliebs.
Doyou know them? Uh, no.
Actually, I wasn't raised Jewish.
My dad started his own church though, but no one really came.
Well, except the I.
R.
S.
- So, how long haveyou two been dating? - Actually, we're not dating.
- Oh.
- We're married.
- Pardon? - He said they're- I heard him.
I know it's a big surprise, but I need you to trust me on this.
I love this woman, and I've never been happier in my life.
So doyou guys just hate me? Dharma, please, let me handle this.
Mom, Dad, you've gotta believe me.
I did the right thing here.
- Oh, my God, she's pregnant.
- She's notpregnant.
I just met heryesterday.
Consuela, bourbon grande, porfiavor.
Greg, can I see you in the study for a moment? No.
Anything you wanna say to me, you can say in front of Dharma.
All right.
Quite frankly, your mother and I would be lying ifwe didn't saywe're very concerned about this.
Now, I don't mean to offend you, Karma.
- Dharma.
- Whatever.
All right, Dharma.
You're not exactly the type of girl we imagined our son settling down with.
How can you say that? You don't know anything about her.
Fair enough.
Dharma, tell us aboutyourself.
Well, I train dogs during the day and then I teach yoga at night.
That's enough.
Forget about whatyou imagined.
What about me being in love? - This is not about love.
- How can marriage not be about love? I don't know.
Askyour father.
Wow, you guys aren't in love? This is not about our marriage.
Well, it should be.
I mean, I don't know you two verywell either but, um, when's the last time you guys had sex? Okay.
- That's enough.
- I'm just trying to help.
Honey, I know.
It's just that, uh- For now, why don't we have our lunch and talk about this another time? - Excellent suggestion.
- Splendid.
- The salmon's delicious.
- [Edward.]
Yes, it is.
- Is this the same sauce she usually makes? - I believe it is, yes.
Oh, Bunny got her own golf cart.
- [Edward.]
Gas or electric? - You know, you guys should try doing it outside.
- Dharma.
- No, I'm serious.
In a big field where you could get caught.
Well, that didn't go verywell, did it? No, it was great.
Especiallywhereyou suggested my mother buy a shower massage and learn to fly solo.
Come on, Greg, they're in separate bedrooms.
Dharma, be reasonable.
You can't just saywhateveryou thinkwheneveryou want.
- Why not? - Why not? What happens when we're out to dinnerwith, I don't know, the attorney general? Areyou going to sit there and rave about high colonics? I'm telling you, Greg, it would changeyourfather's life.
Damn it, Dharma, ifyou're notwilling to playthe game even a little - we've got a major problem.
- Don'tyell at me! I'm notyelling.
I'm just trying to makeyou understand.
Understand what? Thatyou married me because ofwho I am and nowyou want me to change into a totally different person? - Yes.
- Yes? I mean no.
Only part ofthe time.
Well, I can't do that, because that is totally dishonest.
- You can't go around being honest all the time.
- Yeah, you can.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, maybeyou should try it sometime.
Fine.
You want honesty? I thinkyou're being a child.
- A child? - Yes.
You're completely unwilling to compromise.
You're like a three-year-old.
Oh- [ Raspberry.]
- Let me out.
- I'm not letting you out.
- I said, let me out.
- Fine.
Get out.
You're really kicking me out? - We're here.
- Oh.
You're sleepin' on the couch tonight, buddy.
I got news foryou, I'm sleepin' at my place.
- Good.
- Fine.
- Don't call me.
- You don't have a phone! I was so sure she was the one.
Of course you were, dear.
I knowthis is diffiicult fioryou.
Did she sign a prenuptial agreement? Thanks foryour support.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Do you think she'd sign one now? - Mother! - Edward.
I'll call Gottlieb.
Mother, you don't understand.
I love her.
Gregory, ifyou care about this girl -you will end this marriage now.
- How can you say that? Darling, I know free spirits like her.
I went to Vassar.
And believe me, after a fewyears ofhanging on your arm at political dinners with this fake smile plastered on her face all she will be good for is crawling into a bottle of chardonnay with a Neiman Marcus catalog and a bottle ofValium the size ofyour head.
Or so one imagines.
- [ Sighs .]
- I was just so sure hewas the one.
I know, darlin'.
Maybe someday hewill be.
That's what reincarnation is for.
I can't believe my daughter got married.
And to a fed! - Calm down, Larry.
- This isyourfiault, Abby.
"Let her get an Easy-Bake Oven.
What harm will it do?" I'm the one who made the decision, Larry.
I'm an adult now.
I know, baby.
But I don't want to see you living in a house with a fence and a car thatyou drive kids to soccer practice in.
Come on.
We raised you better than that.
- Where areyou going? - I'm going out for ice cream.
You just had a whole bag of pretzels.
That was salty.
I need sweet.
Oh, maybe I should compromise more.
You must have had to compromise a lot for Larry.
Well, not really.
Not anything I had to stickwith.
Your father blew out his short-term memory back in 1 972.
[ Exhales .]
[ Exhales .]
I just wish I knew what to do.
Oh, sweetie.
Dharma, you know what? It's your life, darlin', and I can't tell you how to live it.
But I do know one thing.
It's really important to be with somebody - who accepts you the way thatyou are.
- Yeah.
- Ice cream.
- Right.
I'm better off, right? Oh, absolutely.
Ifyou're gonna be putting up with that kind of craziness you better be damn sure she's the one.
Yeah, you're right.
But how doyou know when it's "the one"? You got me.
I met this girl once, same thing Iove at first sight, head over heels.
I'm thinking I'm spending the rest of my lifewith this babe, right? Twenty-four hours later, I'm in Sacramento chained to a radiator and she's trying to cut out my kidney.
Good talking toya, Pete.
Anytime.
I'm here forya, man.
- Doyou wanna trash his car? - No.
- Push him offa cliff? -Jane! - Come on.
What do you wanna do? - I don't know.
I really don't know.
So, I guess you'll just have to do ityourway.
Just be patient and let the universe tell you what to do.
Oh, my God, I think it just did.
Greg! Greg! Greg! Greg! - Greg! - I can be Greg.
Or Paul? Bill? [ Sighs .]
What tookyouso long? - Shut up.
- No, you shut up.
[Baseball Stadium Organ .]