Dice (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

It's a Miserable Life

1 - [Laughter] - Oh! Good night.
God bless.
Thank you.
[Cheers, Applause, Chanting] [Indistinct Conversations] - [Exhales Deeply] - How you doing, man? Fucking exhausted, that's how I'm doing.
Yeah.
Well, I got some good news.
Pretty good month, Dice, okay? 25 shows at 10 grand a pop, minus the monthly payment to us, minus the compound interest, minus the requests in your rider, so we're talking about the Skittles, the combos, - the sparkling waters.
- Wait, wait, whoa.
Brioni, you're gonna charge me for water? I'm not, but the new owner of the casino is Latvian.
Every single penny must be accounted for.
So we tally it all up, and you owe us $7.
83.
$7.
83? What, are you fucking kidding me? I do 25 shows, I still owe you money? This fucking contract is killing me.
You understand? I'm not the one who's paying off my gambling debts, Dice.
Brioni, they got me bent over backwards on a barrel with my balls in a bunch.
What am I gonna do here? Actually, I think it would be bent forward - over a barrel.
- No.
And I don't think the balls were factored in.
Listen, don't goof on me.
This is bullshit.
All right.
Look, I'll do you a solid, okay? I'll I'll waive the $7.
83.
Ah, you think you're going to have something over me? I-I pay my debts.
I'm not gonna walk around a casino and you're going, "Hey, guess who owes me $7.
83?" Or whatever the fuck.
You got change of $10? I don't even give a fuck.
Here you go.
You get a pass on this one.
Oh! [Audience Chanting] Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice! Top of the world, Ma.
[Implosion] You know what the dumbest thing is? That theater's got so much foot traffic, if that Latvian guy had any sense, he'd close the theater, you open up one of those, like, modern restaurants where you see, like, through the glass, And you see them cooking, and Oh, you look nice.
Where are you going, like, for a bank loan or somethin'? Milkshake's nephew's bar mitzvah's in 40 minutes.
Bar mitzvah's on Saturday, not Wednesday.
It is fucking Saturday, Andrew.
Jeez, why didn't you remind me? Eight minutes, I'm gonna take a speed shower.
Speed shower, 8 minutes.
I get it.
Lesson learned, baby.
Okay, and what was that lesson? I don't know.
I got to remind you to remind me about things in advance.
Did you get the kid a gift? Did I get your best friend's nephew a gift? - No.
I didn't.
- Don't worry.
There's a Bed Bath & Beyond up here somewhere.
The kid's 13.
What are you going to get him, a fucking blender? Give it to me, bring it to me Where is he? Where is he? There he is.
Where have you been? I'm all I'm all alone out here.
Carmen forgot to remind me.
- Jesus, Carmen.
- Okay, sorry.
Let me remind you you're both morons.
Carm, what are you doing? Come on, eat something.
I rented out this condo to this guy, and he lied on his application.
Now the whole deal's falling through.
You're stressing out over some Airbnb money? Who cares? - I care, Andrew.
- All right, all right.
Listen.
All right, I'm sorry, okay? You know what else I figured out? What? The lesson you were trying to teach me.
Oh, yeah? What was the lesson? Marathon sex.
We haven't had marathon sex.
That's why you can't remind me about things like bar mitzvahs 'cause you're thinking about marathon sex.
So from now on I'm gonna pump you like Like you're a car at a gas station.
Wow, you really did learn a lesson.
Say, Daddy boy.
Hey.
Sorry we're late.
- Oh, it's all right.
- We were over at band practice.
You don't got to apologize about that.
Say hello to Milkshake, say hello to bar mitzvah boy.
- I'll see you in a little.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Cool.
- They're dressed so cute.
- I know.
- Hey, Dice.
Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Carmen, did you ever meet David Arquette? - Hi.
- Hi.
Hey, listen, I'm opening this new club in Naples, Florida.
- Uh-huh.
- And if you want to invest, I can get you on the ground level.
- It's going to be a hot club.
- Yeah, I know.
I know.
Another club.
I know.
How about How about I bang your head in with a club? How does that sound, David? Do you not see I'm sitting here with my lady? - What are you, an asshole? - Sorry, Dice.
- Walk away.
- I was trying to - Walk away.
- Sorry, Carmen.
What is wrong with you? You yelled at him for no reason.
No, no, no, no.
I got my reasons.
You always have your reasons.
- Rabbi look familiar? - What? - Rabbi look familiar? - Rabbi? Rabbi Marshack, remember? From the old days in Sheepshead Bay.
I can't believe it.
Rabbi Marshack's here.
- Rabbi Marshack.
- I got to go say hello to this guy.
This guy loves me.
Andy, Andy, Andy! Well, it's Andrew, but yeah, it's me.
I remember when you were a child running down Nostrand Avenue handing out candy to the smaller children and fetching cigarettes for the older ones who were too old to go out and buy them themselves.
You were such a nice boy.
- Oh, thank you.
- A real mensch.
Oh, thank you.
I appreciate that.
So? What happened? How did you turn into such a shegetz? What did you say? A shegetz? This Dice that you created is abomination that you birthed into the world, for shame! Wait a minute, Rabbi, I thought we were friends.
Mm.
We were, until you birthed unto the world this horrible Diceman.
This This golem that you continue to nourish with a steady diet of vulgarity and obscenity! A curse on you! Hey, look, I-I might not be everybody's cup of tea, - but I'm not shegetz.
- You're a shegetz.
- Shegetz! - Listen to me.
No, you listen to me, shegetz.
What I'm saying is this The world would be a better place if Andrew Dice Clay had never been born! [Thunderclaps] [Man, Amplified Voice] Okay, if everyone could gather around for Josh.
He's going to blow out the candles.
[Dance Music Playing] You okay? Yeah, no, yeah.
That rabbi is, like, a real piece of work.
[Blows Air] [Applause] [Blows Air] [Applause Continues] [Cellphone Rings] [Ring] [Ring] [Grunts, Sighs] Hello? [Woman] Hi, sorry to bother you on your business trip, but the cable TV is not working.
I already reset the box.
Who who is this? Jesus Christ, Andy.
It's Connie.
- Connie? - Yes, Connie.
You know, the cable is not going to fix itself.
The only Connie I know is Connie Schneider from Sheepshead Bay in Brooklyn.
Gave the best fucking blow jobs.
Sloppy animal, that's who she was.
I'm still that Connie, Andy.
- What? - Shit bag.
[Phone Beeps] [Sighs] Oh, God.
[Exhales Deeply] [Horns Honking In Distance] Beige? [Scoffs] [Sighs] The fuck? - Hey! Hey.
- Listen, pal, I love my fans, but you need to walk away.
I can't take a picture now.
I can't listen to a story from 30 years ago.
You need to walk away, really.
[Laughs] Walk away?! You're going to walk with me.
Of course I'm a fan.
Get over here.
You're always on.
That's what I love about you, Andy.
Incredible.
Listen, everyone's in my room for a quick download.
And then we get to go out, we get to enjoy the town.
All right? And you remember, you know what they say.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
So if you want that extra mai tai, - Connie will be none the wiser.
- You know Connie? Do I know Connie? You never stop.
[Indistinct Conversations] - Come on.
- [All] Surprise! For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny - Opa! - [Cheering] Hey, hey, listen.
Let me tell you something.
You can't talk about the haberdashery business without talking about Andy.
I have never met a man so fluent in fabrics, with such a deep understanding of stitching and tailoring.
You know what I'm saying? So listen, in light of your 35 years with the company, we are going to throw you a party later tonight.
Huh? - [Cheering] - Who the fuck are you people? [Laughter] That's Andy.
You know, the office comedian.
You got to do an open mic one of these nights.
Yeah.
Hey, Andy, do Sammy Davis.
- What? - [Laughter] [Chanting] Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.
[Imitates Sammy Davis Jr.
] You are so beautiful.
[Laughter] So good.
So good.
Listen, everybody.
The party for Andy is going to be at the Garland Room.
- Until then, have a great day.
- Okay.
Do what you got to do.
Salut.
I need a glass of water.
I I'm in a little bit of a panic here.
Sure, sure.
Listen, Andy, before the party I'm going to be meeting with some very important people Maydel Fabrics.
If we don't get this account, a lot of these good people are gonna be out of work.
We need to close this account.
I mean it.
I-I got to get some air.
All right.
Andy, just Yeah.
Go downstairs, get some air.
You'll be all right.
Wait a minute.
Boys.
Boys.
- Boys.
Wait a minute.
- Hey.
What, are you dressed for Halloween? - What is this? - What are you talking about? - Are you feeling okay? - Everything's going nuts.
Look at me.
This isn't my life! These aren't my clothes! Somebody needs a drink.
Come on.
It's just so cool that we're all in Vegas at the same time.
Wait a minute.
Where do you guys live? Palo Alto, duh.
We're in town.
We've got meetings for our new app.
New app? What app? What are you talking about? - Here's Dad with the jokes.
- Dad, you know, apps.
- Like, for phones.
- What about the music? What What about the rock star dream? What about it? I mean, you're the one who told us to quit, remember? Don't chase music, chase a 401(K).
Me? I'm the one that said quit playing music? Look, dad, we we kind of got to roll outta here, but No, no, no.
Let me just ask you.
You just tell me.
You guys like the lives you're living? Dad, we're living the dream.
Get some rest.
We'll see you in a few hours.
[Indistinct Conversations] [All Shouting At Once] [Woman] Oh, my God! David Arquette! - [Dice] David.
- [Crowd Clamoring] David.
Hey, David.
Line starts over there, pal.
Check out the new Jason Bourne movie staring David Arquette.
David Arquette's playing Matt Damon? What, are you kidding me? [Clamoring Continues] Milkshake.
Milkshake! Thank you.
Milkshake! Milkshake! - Oh, no, thank you.
- Milkshake.
- No, thanks.
- Milkshake.
- What's going on here? - I, uh Yeah.
I don't want a milkshake, pal.
Yeah, he's lactose-intolerant, aren't you, Ronald? - Ronald? - Yeah, Ron Gomez.
I think you've got the wrong guy.
Oh, shit.
You're It's you.
That's right.
Honey, I want to introduce you to a friend.
An old friend from the neighborhood.
- Oh, from Brentwood? - Brooklyn.
The old neighborhood, Sheepshead Bay.
This is Andy, what's his What's his name.
I don't know.
Look, you know, this guy, back in the day I told this schmuck I wanted to go into the truffle business.
He laughed at me.
He laughed.
He told me to forget it, right? But Ron Gomez didn't forget it.
He committed his life to those beautiful little dirt ducklings.
And now Ron Gomez is the truffle king.
- The truffle king.
- Ron Gomez.
Yeah.
Look at me now.
Look at me.
- I got a beautiful wife.
- Nice.
I got the seventh most expensive house in Jackson Hole, all because of the truffle money.
Why are you like this? Good running into you, guy.
Good running into you.
That's it? - [Laughs] - That's my old pal.
- Look at this guy.
- Who the hell is he? [Slot Machines Dinging] [Lighter Clicks] [Inhales Deeply, Coughs] [Exhales Deeply] Carmen.
Carmen.
Carmen! - Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Oh! Carmen.
- Do Do I know you? - It's me.
- Oh.
- It's me.
Yeah, are you friends with my dad? No, you don't You don't understand.
I know this sounds crazy, but [Sighs] we're we're a couple.
Okay, you're really creeping me out right now.
Nobody understands.
W-We have a life together, me and you.
We're we're a couple.
I would say more.
Okay, you know what? See this pepper spray? Stay away from me, okay? Get the fuck away from me, or I'll call security.
You feeling any better? Not really.
Oh, God.
I saw this coming.
- Did you? - Yeah.
You're so nice, Andy.
Too nice.
Sooner or later, you were going to explode, you know what I mean? All right.
Come on, let's go.
We're late.
I got that dinner with Maydel Fabrics.
I don't know if I'm really up to it.
Listen, listen.
Please just try to keep it together.
People's livelihoods are at stake.
Okay? I love you, Andy Dandy.
And I love you, Rog.
Let's get out of here.
Well I want to thank you guys for this terrific dinner.
I just wish we had better news, but we at Maydel Fabrics are going to be buying from a company in India.
Well, that's why we're here to, uh, change your mind, right? Roger, our mind's made up.
They do it for less, and it's it's just numbers.
But we have people that are relying on this account.
Roger, please, come on.
Don't Don't embarrass yourself.
Yeah, don't embarrass yourself, Roger.
He's already made up his mind.
Who Who are you again? I'm Martin Levine.
I'm the account manager.
No, I didn't ask what you do.
I asked who you are because to me, you seem like a go-getter.
I mean, you dress beautiful.
Swedish knit, gabardine, whatever.
Nice.
Good fabrics, right? You're the type of guy, you'd take out a girl, nicest restaurant, best wine.
You listen to every word.
You're not on your phone every second.
And why is that? Because you want her to open up that little fuzzy little prize she's been sitting on, right? And she's gonna do that for you because you've given her the best of everything.
You want to go to India? What, are you out of your fucking mind? That's like going to Chinatown and buying a purse that's a Prada knockoff.
So it's up to you.
You want to buy some Indian fucking fabric? You buy that Indian fabric.
You want to get serious, you come talk to us.
That's all.
Aah! Holy smokes.
What was that? I mean, look, if we don't press charges, we get to keep the account.
I mean, new strategy, very unorthodox, but it worked! Thanks for taking one for the team, Andy.
You think that worked? Rog, I'm I'm having some kind of psychotic breakdown.
Oh, no, no, no.
Relax, Andy.
You've got it all.
You're married 35 years, okay.
You have a secure job you go to every day.
You're going to collect a pension when you retire.
You're living the dream! Dream? This is a fucking nightmare.
Carmen.
Carmen.
Are you fucking kidding me right now? Please, just listen to me.
What part of mace in the face do you not understand? You were with me in another lifetime.
- You've got to believe me.
- Okay, you know what? This time I'm gonna really use this.
Take it easy, would you, please? Let me explain this.
Let me explain You've got to wear socks when you sleep.
You love cats, but you're allergic.
And when I eat you out, I got to go counterclockwise and you got to be listening to Kool & the Gang's "Wild and Peaceful" or you can't bust a nut! [Slot Machines Dinging] Let me get a Grey Goose on the rocks and Chivas, neat.
[Exhales] Okay, I'm not saying that I believe you, but some of the things you're saying are really spot on.
And in other news, President Hillary Clinton may have just brought on world peace.
The first female President gave an eloquent and thoughtful speech at the United Nations today.
- Such a relief she won, right? - Yeah.
Hey, Andy, heard you killed at the Maydel dinner.
- You're the best.
- So popular.
Yeah, I'm supposedly this big shot in the haberdashery business.
- Haberdashery? - Shoot me, okay? So let me ask you somethin'.
- Are we happy? - What do you mean? Like, in this other life you keep talking about.
- Are we happy? - I think we're happy.
- Are you so happy now? - I'm relatively happy.
I mean, I just got divorced, so - From Lowenstein.
- Yeah! - Dermatologist, right? - How do you know that? [Glasses Thud] So, I got divorced, and now I just kind of throw myself into my work.
And I started a commercial real estate company, and it's doing great, so See, that's the whole thing.
Everybody seems to be doing terrific.
You know, maybe it's better off that that I didn't become "Dice," you know, the arena comic, all that, you know.
Banging waitresses, Playboy bunnies, actresses.
Okay, I get it.
You got a lot of pussy in your day.
Me, too.
What's your point? My point is that 'cause everybody's doing so good, maybe that old man rabbi was right.
Maybe I should just live the life I'm leading and let you move on with your life.
Or maybe you could take a closer look.
Things might not be exactly what they seem.
And how's that? Well, for starters, all I seem to do anymore is work.
And I haven't listened to Kool & the Gang in a really, really, really long time.
Here's to Kool &the Gang.
- [Laughs] - [Glass Thuds] Why don't you come to this party with me? - [Exhales Deeply] - Come on.
You got nothing to lose.
[Bob Kelly] Here I've been planning and scheming And racking my brain Heard you saved us again, Andy.
Thank you, Andy.
Thank you.
- Andy Dandy! - Oh! Top shelf! Can I get everyone's attention real quick? - Oh, my God.
- This will just take a second.
This is important, though.
We're here tonight to honor a man A man who has put in 35 years into this company.
Come on, people.
Yeah.
Give him some love.
And you know what? And you know what? At the end of the day, he did it his way.
So, Andy, we thank you, and this is your life.
[Applause] [Gift Of Desire By Ray Dahrouge Playing] [Laughter] He was proud and he took pride In all the things he earned in life - Ugh.
- [Laughter] He really didn't like it if you called him lucky [Indistinct Conversations, Laughter] Is that your wife? Your guess is as good as mine.
You've been blessed with the gift of desire Let's go get a drink.
So always remember Just how lucky you are [Cheers And Applause] I don't believe you.
You don't grow your own tomatoes.
I do grow my own.
I love to - Hey.
- That was magnificent.
- Thank you.
- Who is this? Oh, this is Carmen.
She's an old friend of mine.
These are my sons, Max and Dillon.
- How are you doing? - Nice to meet you.
They actually just came out with their own app.
That's so cool.
What's the app for? It's called Vinder.
It's like, uh, Tinder but for virgins.
- [Laughs] - Think of that an app that all these losers can get laid.
They make a bunch of money.
What? No.
Vinder is for people who are saving themselves for marriage and want to meet like-minded people.
What are you talking about? This unspoken pressure for us to have sex, you know? Yeah, yeah, and we're not gonna break our purity pledges - just because - Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You guys are still virgins? We want the first time to be with our wives, just like you and Mom.
What, are you kidding me? You never heard the [Makes Squishing Sound] Squish? - Ew! - Gross.
This is disgusting.
- What is that? - Uh, I don't know about this.
I don't You know what? I'm not even sure Can I borrow him for one second? Is that okay? Excuse me.
I need to talk to you for a second.
Does your family still have that - That place on Avenue J? - Maybe, I don't know.
Why? Andy, business has not been great, all right.
I've been selling off pieces of the company.
All right.
60% to this guy, you know, 20% to someone else.
70% here, 30% there.
I've sold the whole company six times over.
- No shit.
- FCC is coming after me like they got a vendetta.
I need a place to hide out.
So wait a minute, your life is shit? It's dog shit.
Which means Dice didn't fuck up your life? No, not the dice, not the hookers.
It was the crystal meth.
The crystal meth did not help.
You know what this means? This means that everybody I care about is doing fucking terrible.
They're doing worse than I could even think of.
Oh, shit.
Don't look now.
David Arquette is walking right towards us.
- Hey, David.
- Walk away.
- No, David, listen.
- Unh-unh! I don't want to hear how "Never Been Kissed" changed your life.
I love my fans, but what I need you to do now is walk away.
One question.
One question.
[Sighs] Everything on the outside seems perfect, right? You got this great life.
But underneath, inside, maybe things aren't that great? No, my life is pretty great.
I'm talking, like, deep down.
Nope.
Still great.
I swear, there's like not even a whiff of something I'd change.
I literally have no regrets.
None.
Ha! Whoo! You're the exception.
Okay.
He's the exception.
Wait a minute.
I got to go.
I got Carmen! Carmen! Where you going? Where you going? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Carmen.
Carmen! Wait! You were right.
I thought everybody's life would be better without Dice, but I was wrong.
My kids are weirdos.
Milkshake's a mess.
David Arquette's doing pretty good, I got to admit.
Look, I'm glad you're working your shit out, and it was nice getting to know you, - but I got to go.
- What are you talking about? I have a life I have to get back to.
Hey, Andy! We're about to serve cake.
- Give me a minute, Peter.
- Okay.
Sorry.
- [Door Closes] - You should go back.
That life isn't so bad.
Everyone loves you, and you seem really good at your job.
That life? That life is miserable.
Why, 'cause you're not some rock star comedian? Because that life doesn't have you in it.
- [Sighs] - It's missing you.
You're not in my life.
You gonna kiss me? I wanna kiss you.
[Gasping] - [Gasps] - Carmen.
You're here! - What's wrong with you? - I'm all right.
I'm over here.
I'm over here now.
- Dil, wake up a minute.
- [Switch Clicks] When was the last time you had sex? When was the last time you had sex? - Like, a week ago? - All right.
That's good, but you can do better.
Go back to sleep.
[Switch Clicks, Door Closes] Max, when's the I got my answer! You okay? I take you for granted.
I really do, and I'm - I'm sorry.
- I know you are.
And you know I love you.
- And you know I care about you.
- Mm-hmm.
David? W-wh What are you doing here? Oh, I thought you knew.
It's the craziest thing.
My house burnt down so I'm crashing here.
Thanks a lot.
You're the best, Dice.
- [Cellphone Rings] - Yeah, one second.
- Babe, I got - [Ringing Continues] It's Brioni.
Let me just get this.
I'll be right back.
[Ring] Did your house really burn down? No.
I'm just in the doghouse.
I can't drink responsibly.
I'm a schmuck.
- [Dice] Brioni.
- [Brioni] Diceman.
Great news, okay? I just had drinks with the new boss, the Latvian.
He's got this crazy idea.
He wants to shut down the theater and turn it into a restaurant.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Kept talking about foot traffic.
He wants to do it up really nice.
- He wants to serve tempura.
- Yeah, but what happens to me? What it means is we're letting you out of your contract with the Tangiers, Dice.
You're a free man.
What about the money? What about my debt? - What debt? - My debt.
- What debt? - The debt that got me in the problem in the first place.
No, no, no.
I meant it like, "What debt?" Like, I don't know what you're talking about.
- Huh? - Jesus.
You don't have any debt is what I'm saying, okay? You don't owe us any money anymore.
Oh, my God, Brioni, you're the greatest.
We should celebrate.
Come downtown.
I'm having Oh, my God.
Babe, babe.
Big news.
I don't owe the Tangiers anything.
They don't want me.
It's over.
They're going to make some kind of fucking sushi joint.
And you know I don't believe in fish.
- Right? - Andrew, that is great news.
Babe, we got to play some Kool & the Gang.
Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
- Come here.
- [Exhales Deeply] Come here.