Dilbert (1999) s02e06 Episode Script
The Security Guard
This carpooling together is a great idea.
Who thought of it anyway? You did.
Do you mind if I shave in the car? I guess that would be okay.
What are you doing? I like to start on my back.
I hope you realize I have to sell my car now.
You mind if I brush my teeth? I don't see how How do you expect to rinse your mouth out? Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Hmm.
Tomorrow, you drive preferably without me.
What? What was that sound? I think you hit a squirrel.
I love carpooling.
By the way, I dropped my floss in the crack of your seat.
I'd like it back.
You can have the whole car.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
I left my ID in the car, but you know me.
I do? We've seen each other every day for the past five years.
Then you must know my name.
Well, uh It's Gary.
Of course, Gary.
I knew that.
It's not Gary.
Then why did you tell me it was? Testing your character.
Guess you failed.
Look, I'm kind of in a hurry.
There's always enough time to be secure.
That's my motto.
That's not your motto.
It is now.
I liked it as soon as I heard it.
How about letting me slide this time? That would be a violation of the security guard's professional code of ethics.
Professional code of ethics? Is that a joke? All you do is sit there and watch people walk past.
That's hardly a profession.
Well, Mr.
Big Shot Engineer thinks he's king of the world with his degree and his briefcase and his fancy cubicle.
It must be so hard to sit there in meetings all day.
At least it's a profession with very strict requirements.
Your job could be done by a a uh Help me out here.
There's always enough time to be secure.
An ostrich.
That's what your job could be done by.
Oh, good one.
An ostrich could do my job.
Very clever.
I'm sure you use that cleverness in your challenging job as an engineer.
You bet I do! And lots more.
I could be an engineer tomorrow if I wanted to.
but you could never, ever DO my job.
That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Engineering takes years of training.
I've been doing some reading on the topic.
For example, did you know you can build your own helicopter for $25? You can't build a helicopter for $25.
That just gets you the instructions.
What if you already have the parts? Good point there.
Who has helicopter parts in their house? You can't be an engineer just by reading magazines.
If you're so cocky, how about a little wager? We'll switch jobs for one day.
Whoever can do the other person's job wins.
I'd do it, except there's no way you could ever get hired as an engineer.
When can you start? What are you doing? He's never been an engineer before.
Oh, how hard could it be? I'm always correcting your WORK, and I've never been to engineering school.
You always correct my work from being right to being wrong.
Well, uh There's always enough time to be secure.
Okay, you're on.
And what are we wagering, if you're so cocky? It doesn't matter, since I'm going to win.
How about your house? Sure, why not? If I lose, you can have my house.
If you lose, I can have your house.
I don't have a house.
How about your speedboat? Uh, no.
Polo ponies? Let me think no.
My God, man, what have you been wasting your money on? Food.
Well, maybe you should cut back on the calories.
That's how I got my summer home.
How about your car? It's borrowed, but Yeah, I guess that'd be okay.
Deal.
But you still need your I.
D.
to get in the building.
I'll be right back.
It's in the glove compartment.
Look at the time.
Gotta go! Do you want to get in on the sports pool? What teams are playing? Doesn't matter.
The winners are chosen by matching the scores to your randomly-selected positions on the grid.
If it's random, why does it matter what the scores are? Why not forget the game and pick the winners out of a hat? So, you prefer to play the hat.
I can make that happen.
For $1.
00, you can draw from the hat.
And there are no random sports teams involved? Right- just the way you like it.
$1.
00.
It's a four.
That's a loser.
Thanks for playing.
What's the winning number? Not four.
That's all you need to know.
Did I hear some gambling going on here? I want in.
There's the sports pool, the dead pool, the awards pool, and the Dilbert pool.
People are betting ON ME? Well, most are betting against you.
You know, if you bet against yourself, you'll be covered both ways.
I'm not betting.
What are the odds? Five-to-one against.
I'll take the Dilbert pool.
The hat's a sucker's game.
How much training do you think I need to be a security guard for one day? Mm, six months.
Maybe a year.
A year? All they do is stand there and say, "Have a nice day.
" It looks pretty easy.
It looks EASY BECAUSE THEY'RE SO GOOD at it.
If you try to do that job without the proper training, you're dead meat.
"Dead meat" is redundant.
Once something gets classified as meat, it hardly ever recovers.
I've got a pork chop in the fridge that I'm optimistic about.
He's a fighter.
Do you have TO ARGUE with every SINGLE THING I SAY? Mm, I don't have TO.
IT'S MY HOBBY.
I can quit any time I want.
I need to find a one-day training course on how to be a security guard.
Here we go- "Learn the art of office security in one easy class.
" Taught by Security Guard Grand Master Chu Nee.
Mm.
That sounds good.
The course includes sitting in a chair, pointing toward the elevator, shooing smokers away from the lobby entrance, and killing an intruder with your thumb.
Does it have to be an intruder? Because that could come in handy.
That is absolutely the last time we carpool together.
Was it my singing? Because I don't have to do German OPERA.
I make up the words, so it can be any language you like.
Well, if it isn't my old nemesis the security guard.
Don't make me use the thumb.
Just show me the badge and no one gets hurt.
Okay, okay.
There's still time to get in the sports pool.
Only $1.
00 per square.
Do you take credit cards? Yes, I do, Loud Howard.
I've upgraded my operation.
This is a good investment because I get airline miles! Here is my brand-new credit card.
It has a $10 limit.
Asok's in for 10.
No, only five.
I charged some items at the drugstore earlier today.
Never mind what.
Why would we care what you bought at the drugstore? Nice try, but my exciting life is none of your business.
My lips are sealed.
What else you have to bet on? I got the fever now.
I could deal some poker until the boss gets here.
Deal 'em! Sorry I'm late, but someone didn't let me clean my ears in the car this morning so my schedule's been off all day.
You asked to use my pen.
Anyway, anyway, the reason we're here is to select someone from the group to organize a career day for young girls who might want to be engineers some day.
These girls need a role model.
Someone who is feminine, yet skilled at technology.
How about Asok? He's not technically a woman, but he doesn't have much upper body strength, either.
One time I ASK FOR HELP CARRYING A COMPUTER MONITOR! One time! Calm down, Asok.
I was thinking more along the lines of a real WOMAN.
I got a pair of fours.
If anyone beats that, I'll rip off his head and spit down his neck.
What? You say you want to be security guards but do you have the stamina, the courage, the guts for the job? Now close your eyes and imagine you have just been asked for directions to the elevator.
With your left hand, point.
In your final lesson, you will learn how to kill a man with your thumb.
I need a volunteer.
You do realize he's going to kill you with his thumb.
Oh.
So the student becomes the teacher.
Not really.
I just thought that needed to be clarified.
Maybe you WOULD LIKE TO SEE HOW THE THUMB CAN KILL A MAN.
I have to admit I'd like to see it.
I'm having some trouble believing you can kill someone with a thumb.
You dare to mock me? I have attained three navy blue belts in office security.
I'm just saying it's hard to believe a thumb Silence! Or you will have to deal with me.
Uh anybody want to get coffee? As you know, we need to build a high-speed communications link to our Brazilian subsidiary.
Any ideas? Fiber-optic cable.
That would not be economical given the rough terrain.
Well, then, how about microwave relay stations on top of the hills? Too hard to get the maintenance crews up the hills.
How about you, New Dilbert? Well we could build helicopters from ordinary parts found in our homes and fly the maintenance crews up the hills.
Isn't that expensive? Only $25 apiece.
I'm Officer Dilbert here for the night shift.
Nice to meet you, Officer Dilbert.
I'm officer I've sat in some spirited chairs in my day, but this one is the devil himself.
You are trained, aren't you? Kind of.
God help you, son.
There's a garlic necklace under the counter for when it gets dark.
Garlic?! Keeps away the undead.
Don't try eating a cross.
That don't work.
I'm working security and looking good.
How do they do that moon-walking? It must be special effects.
Whew! Well, no problems yet, and I've been a security guard for well over a minute.
We're so glad you're having this career day for our daughters, Alice.
You're such a good role model.
Pick up your little monsters in an hour, otherwise I'm feeding them to the homeless.
She's got a great sense of humor.
Am I too early? Come back in an hour.
Halt! I just came in to use the restroom.
Restrooms are for employees only.
Do you mind if I use the elevator? No, you may not use the elevator.
The man in the ill-fitting blue suit is Dilbert.
Don't be like him.
Did you come down to keep me company? I came for casino night.
Casino night? You might have the wrong building.
No, I'm infallible.
I don't know why you can't remember that.
Maybe I'd better come with you.
Okay, girls, this game is called craps, because if you lose, you can beat the crap out of Wally.
I could take those little girls.
Mom? Dilbert? I thought so.
What? All those years pretending to be an engineer.
Hmph! It all makes sense now.
No, it's not like that.
What are you doing here? This is an illegal casino.
I know.
Isn't it wonderful? Just this afternoon, I found your collection of Susan B.
Anthony dollars in the basement.
I was ready to throw them away, but then I heard about Wally's little racket, and here I am.
You're gambling with my coin collection? Yes, dear, but I'm winning almost a third of the time, and anyway, if you're working security, I think you've got bigger things to worry about.
I'll need to see some fake ID.
I don't have any fake ID.
But you plan to get some fake ID, right? Give me that! This is outrageous! I want you all out of here this minute! It's not so easy being a security guard, is it? You! I haven't lost this bet yet.
The night is young.
I've got hours to clear this up.
My mommy is coming to pick me up in 30 minutes.
Place your bets.
Remember the system.
Face cards are plus one, number cards are minus one.
You're teaching her to count cards? This is so wrong! Hey, Asok, look over there.
It's a rewarding career.
Where? I don't see a rewarding career? I'm good.
Asok, look over there.
It's a woman who respects you despite your low status and tiny income.
Where? I don't see a woman who respects me despite my low status and tiny income.
I'm good.
Look, Asok, there's a wall behind you! What am I doing wrong?! You have 25 minutes before the moms get here and you're fired for being an incompetent security guard.
Ah, I can hardly wait.
This is not over, my friend.
I've been in tighter spots than this.
Hmm, I don't recognize this corridor.
Are you finished? I guess so.
Good.
Now, where's the bathroom? Since when do zombies need bathrooms? When they drink 12 beers.
I need an amp and some cable and I'm in business.
That should do it.
Five minutes to spare.
Attention, all illegal gamblers: this is security.
Leave the building immediately.
Attention, attention! Leave the building now or else! Or else what? I'm still figuring that out, but you can be sure it will be very, very bad.
Three minutes.
Hey! Oh, never mind.
The garlic is my only chance.
Hello, LADIES.
How ARE YOU? How MAY I HELP you? We had Italian for dinner.
Halt! You can't go up there for reasons that are very, very good but can't be succinctly explained.
Game's over.
Everyone, hit the stairs.
It's a serious crime to set off a false alarm.
We suspect one of the street people.
I can't lie.
I DID IT.
I PULLED THE ALARM.
Okay.
You're free to go.
What? I thought it was a serious crime? You're part of the brotherhood.
Brotherhood? What brotherhood? Well, you got your law enforcement, and your safety services Bailiffs, prison guards, judges Armed forces, including the coast guard Did we let the skycaps in? I missed the last meeting.
Yeah, yeah.
Me too.
Did you hear if the skycaps got in? Just barely.
The Wal-mart greeters held out to the last vote.
How about engineers? Can they get in? I may not have won the bet, but at least I didn't lose.
Don't be so sure.
You barely succeeded as a security guard, but the security guard has gotten a job as an engineer at a better company.
He did very well in the personal interview.
What do you think you're doing? I could have fallen into that hole.
Well, if it isn't Mr.
Big Shot Security Guard with his fancy chair and his uniform all clean and sparkly, thinks he knows my job better than I do.
How hard is it to put up some safety cones so people don't fall into the open sewer? Maybe you think you could do this job.
This isn't so hard.
I could do this for one day.
Ratbert? I can't stop.
I'm doing laps.
You call that the backstroke? Your arms are all wrong, and you're not kicking right.
Well, Mr.
Big Shot Sewer Worker thinks he can be a rat.
I'd like to see you do my job for one DAY.
Maybe I should just learn to keep my mouth shut.
Who thought of it anyway? You did.
Do you mind if I shave in the car? I guess that would be okay.
What are you doing? I like to start on my back.
I hope you realize I have to sell my car now.
You mind if I brush my teeth? I don't see how How do you expect to rinse your mouth out? Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Hmm.
Tomorrow, you drive preferably without me.
What? What was that sound? I think you hit a squirrel.
I love carpooling.
By the way, I dropped my floss in the crack of your seat.
I'd like it back.
You can have the whole car.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
I left my ID in the car, but you know me.
I do? We've seen each other every day for the past five years.
Then you must know my name.
Well, uh It's Gary.
Of course, Gary.
I knew that.
It's not Gary.
Then why did you tell me it was? Testing your character.
Guess you failed.
Look, I'm kind of in a hurry.
There's always enough time to be secure.
That's my motto.
That's not your motto.
It is now.
I liked it as soon as I heard it.
How about letting me slide this time? That would be a violation of the security guard's professional code of ethics.
Professional code of ethics? Is that a joke? All you do is sit there and watch people walk past.
That's hardly a profession.
Well, Mr.
Big Shot Engineer thinks he's king of the world with his degree and his briefcase and his fancy cubicle.
It must be so hard to sit there in meetings all day.
At least it's a profession with very strict requirements.
Your job could be done by a a uh Help me out here.
There's always enough time to be secure.
An ostrich.
That's what your job could be done by.
Oh, good one.
An ostrich could do my job.
Very clever.
I'm sure you use that cleverness in your challenging job as an engineer.
You bet I do! And lots more.
I could be an engineer tomorrow if I wanted to.
but you could never, ever DO my job.
That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Engineering takes years of training.
I've been doing some reading on the topic.
For example, did you know you can build your own helicopter for $25? You can't build a helicopter for $25.
That just gets you the instructions.
What if you already have the parts? Good point there.
Who has helicopter parts in their house? You can't be an engineer just by reading magazines.
If you're so cocky, how about a little wager? We'll switch jobs for one day.
Whoever can do the other person's job wins.
I'd do it, except there's no way you could ever get hired as an engineer.
When can you start? What are you doing? He's never been an engineer before.
Oh, how hard could it be? I'm always correcting your WORK, and I've never been to engineering school.
You always correct my work from being right to being wrong.
Well, uh There's always enough time to be secure.
Okay, you're on.
And what are we wagering, if you're so cocky? It doesn't matter, since I'm going to win.
How about your house? Sure, why not? If I lose, you can have my house.
If you lose, I can have your house.
I don't have a house.
How about your speedboat? Uh, no.
Polo ponies? Let me think no.
My God, man, what have you been wasting your money on? Food.
Well, maybe you should cut back on the calories.
That's how I got my summer home.
How about your car? It's borrowed, but Yeah, I guess that'd be okay.
Deal.
But you still need your I.
D.
to get in the building.
I'll be right back.
It's in the glove compartment.
Look at the time.
Gotta go! Do you want to get in on the sports pool? What teams are playing? Doesn't matter.
The winners are chosen by matching the scores to your randomly-selected positions on the grid.
If it's random, why does it matter what the scores are? Why not forget the game and pick the winners out of a hat? So, you prefer to play the hat.
I can make that happen.
For $1.
00, you can draw from the hat.
And there are no random sports teams involved? Right- just the way you like it.
$1.
00.
It's a four.
That's a loser.
Thanks for playing.
What's the winning number? Not four.
That's all you need to know.
Did I hear some gambling going on here? I want in.
There's the sports pool, the dead pool, the awards pool, and the Dilbert pool.
People are betting ON ME? Well, most are betting against you.
You know, if you bet against yourself, you'll be covered both ways.
I'm not betting.
What are the odds? Five-to-one against.
I'll take the Dilbert pool.
The hat's a sucker's game.
How much training do you think I need to be a security guard for one day? Mm, six months.
Maybe a year.
A year? All they do is stand there and say, "Have a nice day.
" It looks pretty easy.
It looks EASY BECAUSE THEY'RE SO GOOD at it.
If you try to do that job without the proper training, you're dead meat.
"Dead meat" is redundant.
Once something gets classified as meat, it hardly ever recovers.
I've got a pork chop in the fridge that I'm optimistic about.
He's a fighter.
Do you have TO ARGUE with every SINGLE THING I SAY? Mm, I don't have TO.
IT'S MY HOBBY.
I can quit any time I want.
I need to find a one-day training course on how to be a security guard.
Here we go- "Learn the art of office security in one easy class.
" Taught by Security Guard Grand Master Chu Nee.
Mm.
That sounds good.
The course includes sitting in a chair, pointing toward the elevator, shooing smokers away from the lobby entrance, and killing an intruder with your thumb.
Does it have to be an intruder? Because that could come in handy.
That is absolutely the last time we carpool together.
Was it my singing? Because I don't have to do German OPERA.
I make up the words, so it can be any language you like.
Well, if it isn't my old nemesis the security guard.
Don't make me use the thumb.
Just show me the badge and no one gets hurt.
Okay, okay.
There's still time to get in the sports pool.
Only $1.
00 per square.
Do you take credit cards? Yes, I do, Loud Howard.
I've upgraded my operation.
This is a good investment because I get airline miles! Here is my brand-new credit card.
It has a $10 limit.
Asok's in for 10.
No, only five.
I charged some items at the drugstore earlier today.
Never mind what.
Why would we care what you bought at the drugstore? Nice try, but my exciting life is none of your business.
My lips are sealed.
What else you have to bet on? I got the fever now.
I could deal some poker until the boss gets here.
Deal 'em! Sorry I'm late, but someone didn't let me clean my ears in the car this morning so my schedule's been off all day.
You asked to use my pen.
Anyway, anyway, the reason we're here is to select someone from the group to organize a career day for young girls who might want to be engineers some day.
These girls need a role model.
Someone who is feminine, yet skilled at technology.
How about Asok? He's not technically a woman, but he doesn't have much upper body strength, either.
One time I ASK FOR HELP CARRYING A COMPUTER MONITOR! One time! Calm down, Asok.
I was thinking more along the lines of a real WOMAN.
I got a pair of fours.
If anyone beats that, I'll rip off his head and spit down his neck.
What? You say you want to be security guards but do you have the stamina, the courage, the guts for the job? Now close your eyes and imagine you have just been asked for directions to the elevator.
With your left hand, point.
In your final lesson, you will learn how to kill a man with your thumb.
I need a volunteer.
You do realize he's going to kill you with his thumb.
Oh.
So the student becomes the teacher.
Not really.
I just thought that needed to be clarified.
Maybe you WOULD LIKE TO SEE HOW THE THUMB CAN KILL A MAN.
I have to admit I'd like to see it.
I'm having some trouble believing you can kill someone with a thumb.
You dare to mock me? I have attained three navy blue belts in office security.
I'm just saying it's hard to believe a thumb Silence! Or you will have to deal with me.
Uh anybody want to get coffee? As you know, we need to build a high-speed communications link to our Brazilian subsidiary.
Any ideas? Fiber-optic cable.
That would not be economical given the rough terrain.
Well, then, how about microwave relay stations on top of the hills? Too hard to get the maintenance crews up the hills.
How about you, New Dilbert? Well we could build helicopters from ordinary parts found in our homes and fly the maintenance crews up the hills.
Isn't that expensive? Only $25 apiece.
I'm Officer Dilbert here for the night shift.
Nice to meet you, Officer Dilbert.
I'm officer I've sat in some spirited chairs in my day, but this one is the devil himself.
You are trained, aren't you? Kind of.
God help you, son.
There's a garlic necklace under the counter for when it gets dark.
Garlic?! Keeps away the undead.
Don't try eating a cross.
That don't work.
I'm working security and looking good.
How do they do that moon-walking? It must be special effects.
Whew! Well, no problems yet, and I've been a security guard for well over a minute.
We're so glad you're having this career day for our daughters, Alice.
You're such a good role model.
Pick up your little monsters in an hour, otherwise I'm feeding them to the homeless.
She's got a great sense of humor.
Am I too early? Come back in an hour.
Halt! I just came in to use the restroom.
Restrooms are for employees only.
Do you mind if I use the elevator? No, you may not use the elevator.
The man in the ill-fitting blue suit is Dilbert.
Don't be like him.
Did you come down to keep me company? I came for casino night.
Casino night? You might have the wrong building.
No, I'm infallible.
I don't know why you can't remember that.
Maybe I'd better come with you.
Okay, girls, this game is called craps, because if you lose, you can beat the crap out of Wally.
I could take those little girls.
Mom? Dilbert? I thought so.
What? All those years pretending to be an engineer.
Hmph! It all makes sense now.
No, it's not like that.
What are you doing here? This is an illegal casino.
I know.
Isn't it wonderful? Just this afternoon, I found your collection of Susan B.
Anthony dollars in the basement.
I was ready to throw them away, but then I heard about Wally's little racket, and here I am.
You're gambling with my coin collection? Yes, dear, but I'm winning almost a third of the time, and anyway, if you're working security, I think you've got bigger things to worry about.
I'll need to see some fake ID.
I don't have any fake ID.
But you plan to get some fake ID, right? Give me that! This is outrageous! I want you all out of here this minute! It's not so easy being a security guard, is it? You! I haven't lost this bet yet.
The night is young.
I've got hours to clear this up.
My mommy is coming to pick me up in 30 minutes.
Place your bets.
Remember the system.
Face cards are plus one, number cards are minus one.
You're teaching her to count cards? This is so wrong! Hey, Asok, look over there.
It's a rewarding career.
Where? I don't see a rewarding career? I'm good.
Asok, look over there.
It's a woman who respects you despite your low status and tiny income.
Where? I don't see a woman who respects me despite my low status and tiny income.
I'm good.
Look, Asok, there's a wall behind you! What am I doing wrong?! You have 25 minutes before the moms get here and you're fired for being an incompetent security guard.
Ah, I can hardly wait.
This is not over, my friend.
I've been in tighter spots than this.
Hmm, I don't recognize this corridor.
Are you finished? I guess so.
Good.
Now, where's the bathroom? Since when do zombies need bathrooms? When they drink 12 beers.
I need an amp and some cable and I'm in business.
That should do it.
Five minutes to spare.
Attention, all illegal gamblers: this is security.
Leave the building immediately.
Attention, attention! Leave the building now or else! Or else what? I'm still figuring that out, but you can be sure it will be very, very bad.
Three minutes.
Hey! Oh, never mind.
The garlic is my only chance.
Hello, LADIES.
How ARE YOU? How MAY I HELP you? We had Italian for dinner.
Halt! You can't go up there for reasons that are very, very good but can't be succinctly explained.
Game's over.
Everyone, hit the stairs.
It's a serious crime to set off a false alarm.
We suspect one of the street people.
I can't lie.
I DID IT.
I PULLED THE ALARM.
Okay.
You're free to go.
What? I thought it was a serious crime? You're part of the brotherhood.
Brotherhood? What brotherhood? Well, you got your law enforcement, and your safety services Bailiffs, prison guards, judges Armed forces, including the coast guard Did we let the skycaps in? I missed the last meeting.
Yeah, yeah.
Me too.
Did you hear if the skycaps got in? Just barely.
The Wal-mart greeters held out to the last vote.
How about engineers? Can they get in? I may not have won the bet, but at least I didn't lose.
Don't be so sure.
You barely succeeded as a security guard, but the security guard has gotten a job as an engineer at a better company.
He did very well in the personal interview.
What do you think you're doing? I could have fallen into that hole.
Well, if it isn't Mr.
Big Shot Security Guard with his fancy chair and his uniform all clean and sparkly, thinks he knows my job better than I do.
How hard is it to put up some safety cones so people don't fall into the open sewer? Maybe you think you could do this job.
This isn't so hard.
I could do this for one day.
Ratbert? I can't stop.
I'm doing laps.
You call that the backstroke? Your arms are all wrong, and you're not kicking right.
Well, Mr.
Big Shot Sewer Worker thinks he can be a rat.
I'd like to see you do my job for one DAY.
Maybe I should just learn to keep my mouth shut.