Dilbert (1999) s02e07 Episode Script

In merger news, an alliance has been announced between the world's worst oil exploration company and the world's largest funeral company.
We spoke to the CEO of Dryhole Industries about the synergy.
Well, as you know, the biggest expenses in the funeral business involve buying the land and digging the holes.
Well, it occurred to me that our company owns land that already has holes in it.
That's how I plan to bury you, unless you have an objection.
As a matter of fact, I do have an objection.
Not now.
You have to object after you're dead.
How can I object to anything after I'm dead? I recommend that you come back as a ghost and haunt the house for eternity.
That'll be your signal that you're unhappy about the situation.
If I haunted this house, you'd turn it into a tourist attraction and sell tickets.
I'd be doing all the haunting and you'd be making money.
Oh, like it's so hard to haunt.
The investment banking firm who arranged the merger received a fee of one billion dollars for making a few phone calls and attending some meetings.
Did you say the investment banking firm that arranged the merger received a fee of one billion dollars? She can't hear you.
Yes, that's exactly what I said.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying you can hear what I say through the TV? In other news, Tom Kenny, leader of the '60s psychedelic band, "Ubiquitous Banana," was found today exactly where he said he would be.
I think I just found my new career.
For reasons that I no longer try to fathom, customers keep buying our products.
Thank goodness for the inefficient distribution of consumer information.
Now we're stuck with $20 billion in cash and no strategy for using it.
Does anyone have any ideas? How about giving raises to the people who worked so hard to create all that cash? That would unfairly discriminate against those of us who didn't work hard.
If we start rewarding lazy people like you, the whole system will break down.
Oh, that same argument was used years ago to deny women the right to vote.
Are you comparing your laziness to the woman's suffrage movement? There are many similarities.
Name one.
Women weren't allowed to vote and I'm too lazy to vote.
In both cases, there's taxation without representation.
That is the dumbest argument I have ever heard in my life.
Bigot.
People, does anyone have any idea how to invest the $20 billion? I do! How about a product that keeps your fillings from vibrating out when you talk?! Maybe I should hire a consultant to come up with an idea.
Consultants don't come up with ideas.
They take the ideas you already have and make them more confusing.
Then they give you a huge bill.
A huge bill would solve our excess money problem.
Excess money isn't a problem.
That money is causing us to be in this meeting.
What do you call that? Uh-oh.
Wally's starting to make sense.
We need to get rid of that money fast.
Why don't we merge with a company that is less dysfunctional than we are? They could spend our money for us.
A merger.
Hmm, that might get us some synergy.
I didn't realize that Alice suffers from cobiotaphobia.
I know what that is! No, I don't! It is the fear of synergy.
Well, she'd better get over it.
We ran it up the flagpole and the ship sailed.
That's a mixed metaphor.
Yeah, so, what's so bad about that? Actually, I don't know.
Ah, he who laughs last, makes waste.
Well, I'm not afraid of synergy.
I just think a merger's a bad idea.
Do you have a better idea? Of course.
Plow the surplus funds into R&D.
All right, then.
The merger it is.
My company needs help finding a merger partner.
I hope that's the sort of thing investment bankers do, because I asked at the Mailboxes-R-Us place, and they just stared at me like I was some kind of an idiot.
You came to the right place.
My fee is 10% of the value of the acquired company.
What's your company worth? Well, we've got $20 billion in cash, and no liabilities, unless you count the employees, who we call our most valuable assets.
$20 billion in cash plus the employees.
That comes out to about $15 billion net.
So your fee would be 10% of $15 billion, which is- one second- carry the three, square root of pi- $14 billion.
Exactly.
Can we start right away? I'm anxious to get some synergy.
I'm bailing out of this dump at the first sign of a merger.
I won't go through synergy again.
As usual, Alice, you are missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime.
I plan to implement "Project Mosquito" immediately.
What is "Project Mosquito"? That is where Wally takes advantage of the management chaos and sucks the stockholders dry, much like a giant mosquito.
That's sounds exactly like "Project Leech", the one you've been doing for the past five years.
I can see how that would be confusing.
The key to a successful merger is synergy.
Let's first discuss what makes this company special, then I'll help you find the perfect merger partner.
We're poorly managed.
Our boss ignores everything we say.
Management is completely deaf to the needs of the employees.
I've got a parking space right next to the door.
It looks like a sidewalk, but it's not.
Now, let's think what kind of companies would make the best merger partner with a company full of losers.
Perhaps a drug company who needs to test new products on human subjects.
We would be ideal, because the scientists would not become emotionally attached to us.
Good.
Anything else? We could merge with a company that runs women's prisons.
I'm willing to keep a few inmates in my cubicle if they'll do my laundry.
Prison bimbos.
We could merge with a company that makes chickens.
We sit around all day anyway.
Might as well be sitting on eggs.
How about an alternative fuel company? People produce a certain amount of methane gas every day, just like every other mammal.
We could be fueling cars with that resource.
How exactly would we be collecting this methane gas all day long? I grant you the hose would be uncomfortable at first, but we'd get used to it.
This might be harder than I thought.
Well, if it isn't Mordac, the preventer of information services and his little buddy, Walter the budget man.
Wally.
You seem unusually upbeat.
Maybe you haven't heard of the upcoming merger.
Merger? But that would mean Yes, it's gloating time for engineers.
And when the synergy gets you, I will laugh the laugh of the, uh, the, uh well, whatever it is that laughs a lot at other's misery without a tinge of guilt.
Maybe your hard drive needs a little cheese pizza upgrade.
I don't need my computer anymore.
I'm goofing off until the merger, then after the "synergy" gets you, I'll take both of your computers for my own.
I will cut your budget so fast your head will spin.
You're powerless.
No one will listen to your budget recommendations now.
Managers are all paralyzed by the merger rumors.
Synergy! This might be the best year of my life.
It's time to take a page from female dating techniques, also known as "the old bait and switch".
Where are we going? There's a little bar I know where CEOs hang out.
It's a real meet market for mergers.
I like meat.
Did you know that cows are made almost entirely of meat? Oh, yeah.
And YOU CAN MAKE PUDDING FROM THE HOOVES.
Tonight, it's best if you don't do much talking.
CEOs like to do business with people who aren't quite so Strong-willed? Yeah, that's it.
Tell me again what I'm supposed to do? You're supposed to act like you work for a competent company long enough to get a CEO excited about merging with you.
What's Dilbert going to do? I'm wondering that myself.
Dilbert will appear to be interested in merging with you.
You'll seem more attractive to the other CEOs if they think someone else wants you.
I suddenly feel mildly nauseated.
Is it my cologne? I haven't seen you here before.
Take me, dear God, merge with me now! Uh, I just remembered I have to merge with someone else tonight.
I have to go now.
Nice going.
Thanks.
Was I charming enough? You sounded needy.
Try revealing a little less.
Remember, bait, then switch.
I panicked.
I felt my financial clock ticking.
Hey there.
What's your ticker symbol? It's Ow! Bait, then switch.
Right.
I'd rather not say what my ticker symbol is.
Can't we just be strategic partners? Well, aren't you the mysterious one? I'll bet you're an Internet company, aren't you? Maybe, maybe not.
You little corporate tease.
I want to merge with you.
Right here, right now.
I never swap stock on the first meeting.
How about your friend? Huh?! He looks like he might be into a little M&A.
I don't know what that means, but I wouldn't merge with you if I'd never merged before, and you were the last company on earth.
Who needs to merge with you? I can crank up my own stock price by repurchasing shares.
I've done it before and I can do it again.
What did I do wrong that time? Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.
Oh, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
Have you ever noticed that when you kiss the frogs, their tongues taste like flies? Last call.
Is this when I get desperate? You've got two more chances.
Nah, don't bother.
He merges with everyone.
His price is cheap.
Haven't we merged before? I'd like you to meet our merger partner, the CEO of Brainsuck Industries.
His name is Mway-un-layla'aah.
Did I get that right? Perfect.
You might have heard of Brainsuck Industries in the trade press.
They're a company that "mysteriously" only came into existence yesterday, but they're taking the industry by storm.
Aren't they the ones who merge with companies and then ingest the brains of the acquired company via their long snouts? I.
e.
synergy.
Where is everyone today? What have you done with everyone? Dilbert, my man, chill.
Alice is in a company stress reduction program.
Wally has been beckoned to human resources.
Oh, yeah.
what about Loud Howard? He's being stored in a soundproof container in the closet until after the merger.
We don't want to spook anyone.
I hope he has airholes.
Well, now that wouldn't be very soundproof, would it? He needs mouth-to-mouth! Well, then, where is everyone else? Calm down.
They were given the day off.
You'll be given the day off.
But the day will never end.
It will go on forever.
Hmm? Sorry, I missed that.
I find myself in need of a new troll to guard my door.
Why don't you hire another one? Well, I would, but they all know about our pending merger.
No one wants to work in an administrative job.
Those are the first ones cut during the, uh, synergy phase.
That's why I'm glad I'm an engineer.
Yes, yes, you were AN ENGINEER.
What? I'm changing your job title to "door-watching troll," effective immediately.
But then the synergy will get me.
Well, not just you.
I'll offer to fire all of my staff so I can keep my own job.
That sort of loyalty is always rewarded.
Who wishes to see Mr.
Catbert, the evil director of human resources? Well, well, well.
the stories are true.
I might be wrong, but I think the job of door troll is administrative.
This is a highly skilled position.
Troll, get the rake.
I just have to imagine I'm looking for gold with a metal detector.
The funny thing is, I don't even like my co-workers that much.
So why do I miss them when they're gone? I miss you when you're gone.
But you like me.
I don't know where you got that idea.
You don't like me? I have very high standards.
That's why I LIKE YOU.
I like you too, Dogbert.
You have to like me.
You're my mother.
I don't believe I signed any contract to that effect, unless they slipped me something when I was giving birth, but that'll never stand up in court.
We tolerate you largely for the entertainment value.
Do you remember the time I ironed poison ivy into his underpants before his high school graduation? Oh.
Ah.
Okay, so you don't like me.
But you do love me, right? Yes, I do love you, because you're family.
That's the same reason you miss your co-workers.
My co-workers are not family.
Oh, really? Think about it.
Your boss is like the father who left when you were little.
Alice and Wally are like the brother and sister you never had.
Loud Howard is like the annoying uncle who always embarrasses you.
And Asok the intern is like your own son.
That is the most appalling theory I have ever heard.
I'm going home.
Uh, hello? You could say that.
Since when do garbage men make house calls? Since always.
You just have to ask.
I'd be afraid to leave my door unlocked all day.
I have a master key.
To every house? I use my house key.
All the locks in this town are the same.
But don't spread it around.
I won't.
Can I ask you a question? You mean, can I ask you two QUESTIONS.
Fine.
Is it possible that my co-workers are like some sort of bizarre, dysfunctional family to me? It's not just possible.
It's mandatory.
Mandatory? The brain is wired that way.
Your mind organizes the people around you into family roles.
Like it or not, they are your family.
This merger is breaking up my family.
Unless you stop it.
You replace the plastic bags? Not usually.
Today is bag day.
Who wishes to see Mr.
Catbert, the evil director of human resources? Wally, it's me, Dilbert, your brother.
I mean, your co-worker.
I have no coworkers.
I'm just a door-guarding troll.
After the merger, I'll be an unemployed guy whose last job was a door-guarding troll.
Hang in there, Wally.
I'm going to stop this merger.
How? The truth will set us free.
These cubicles are our marketing department.
If these people don't scare you into canceling the merger, nothing will.
Hey there, Dilman.
Who's your friend? That is quite a handshake you got there, big guy.
Well, I'll see you back at the ranch.
What the hell did you do to him? We'll NEVER COMPLETE THIS MERGER if you kill the CEO.
This is what wrecked the Roswell merger.
All I did was take him to marketing.
He stuck his snout in some people's ears, and now he's acting like this.
Take him back to his office, quick.
We don't want him dying over here and ruining our safety record.
Let's get the staff meeting going.
First, an update: Dilbert killed the CEO of the only company willing to acquire us, so the merger is off.
I'm the one who told you THAT.
Settle down.
We're trying to have a meeting here.
I'm the only person here who isn't engulfed in someone else's mouth or unconscious, and you're giving me UPDATES that I gave you 10 minutes ago? No side conversations during the meeting, please! Item two: Wally is being transferred back to engineering.
Wally! You're back! Give me five.
Sorry.
Item three: Alice has decided to stay in her job.
Look what happens when I don't show up for one day.
I feel like we're one big dysfunctional family again.
Would anyone like to hug? Oh, you mean each other.
No, thank you.
Does anyone have any new business to discuss? I do.
You know, I was thinking about it, and although the merger idea didn't work out, it's not a bad idea in concept.
Maybe we should give it one more try, and I'm sorry the merger got called off.
I guess you lost your $14 billion investment banking fee.
You guessed wrong.
I rushed the paperwork through as soon as I heard you were with their CEO on tour.
What are you going to do with $14 billion? I'm investing it in a foreign concern.
Greetings, citizens of Orgaplon Six.
We bring you synergy.