Drifters (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Goole

1 Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh, oh-oh I'm so excited Oh, oh, oh-oh Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh I'm getting frightened Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh Someday, someday, Leeds United.
I want something long-term and lasting.
I don't want to ride any old thing.
But maybe that's because I'm Swedish.
We have a very different attitude to cycling.
So, Bendt, I was just thinking, my friends are gonna be really impressed when I tell them I've been on a date with a Swedish guy.
Whoa, whoa! Date? - Yeah.
- Maybe I misunderstand.
I understood "date" to mean romantic.
Sorry? I understood this to be a study meeting.
Language exchange.
Anyway, I've kind of been selfish.
You also wanted to practise your Swedish.
(HE SPEAKS SWEDISH) Finns det mÃ¥nga saker fÃr ungdomar att gÃra i din stad? Eller är detta ett stort problem? Wallander? So, basically, my first date in forever wasn't actually a date.
I was human homework.
Did you not get my text? What text? Cucumber.
It's our agreed safe word, remember? If I text you "cucumber", it means I need rescuing.
Oh, sorry.
I just thought you were sending me a friendly erotic text.
What's erotic about the word "cucumber"? Oh, Meg.
Ain't that the second bird this week? (WHISPERS) Yes! How is he doing this?! He must be drugging them.
Ladies.
He's actually winning the break-up.
He's clearly on BangR.
You need to download it too, Meg, pronto.
- What's BangR? - Oh, Meg! What's BangR? What are cucumbers? God, you're so innocent.
I didn't say, "What are cucumbers?" It's a sex app.
It's like eBay for cock and balls, without the shit old clothes.
Yeah, well, it's still a rapists' paradise, isn't it? Er there's always that risk, Meg.
It's the downside to having a twat.
MEG: I mean, don't get me wrong.
I do see the appeal of being rejected in the comfort of your own home, but Oh, here we go.
"Where's the romance?" Such a homo.
Oh, come on, Meg, get involved.
It's the 20th century.
Is it? BUNNY: It's no coincidence that your absence from the world of cyber-courtship correlates directly with the absence of penis up inside your vag.
(CLICKS TONGUE) - Are both of you on this thing? - Meg, everyone is.
- Fine.
I'll try it.
- (SIGHS) Freak.
Freak.
Fit.
You've got a boyfriend.
Yeah, but it's only a bit of fun, innit? It's no big deal.
Gary! The little bastard's on BangR! Right! Make sure you do her up for her profile pic.
This "barely there" look won't cut it.
Yeah, Meg, have you got a padded bra? (SNORTS) I think she means my make-up is barely there.
Oh, of course.
Sorry.
Seriously, though - Yeah, I'll go and get it.
- OK.
(EXPLOSIONS IN COMPUTER GAME) Gary, can I borrow your phone? (EXPLOSIONS IN COMPUTER GAME) Whoa! What you doing that for? Laura! That, HorneyGary69 from Armley, who likes poetry, motor sports and Katie Price, is what you get for being on BangR! Yeah, well, knock yourself out, because you're dumped, mate.
GAME: Airlock sealed.
Gradual pressure transition initiated.
Equalisation (EXPLOSIONS IN GAME) Face tattoo.
Ugh! Weird ear-hole things.
Oh, he's tucked it between his legs.
- Yes! - Fit.
- Ping! - BUNNY: Meg, don't be so shallow.
You should at least read his profile first.
You don't even know what car he's got.
Ugh! He looks normal ish.
I don't care.
He's probably an insufferable bell-end.
Guys that good-looking usually are.
I'm not after sparkling conversation.
I just want a face that looks great on the selfie I post several times on Instagram.
Which Mark may or may not see.
- Exactly.
Bosh! - (PHONE RINGS) Oh, hi, Dad.
Hi, Meg.
It's Dad.
Yes, I know.
Your name comes up on the screen every time you ring me.
Listen, Meg, um I don't want you to worry, but, er your mum's in hospital.
- What? Why? - Ershe's had a little fall.
- Oh, Godl Well, I'll come there now.
- No, no, don't, Meg.
Dad! Mum is in hospital.
I think she'll want me to be there.
And you'll have to pay for the cab when I arrive.
(SIREN BLARING) Frank, I told you I didn't want Meg down.
- Oh, thanks a lot(!) - JENNY: It's fine, love.
You didn't need to come.
It's nothing, really.
Don't be silly.
How did it happen? I slipped.
Slipped doing what? (TUTS) In the shower.
Shower.
Yeah.
Why have you got a bandage on, Uncle Frank? Eh? Oh, right, yeah.
Um oh, come on.
We're all adults here, aren't we? I slipped as well, Meg, in the shower.
Oh! Please kill me! Not a totally wasted journey.
We can still find out which nearby fit doctors are on BangR.
This whole doctors-and-nurses thing is just so sexy.
Yeah, I think, in reality, they prod around people's diseased bits and wash old ladies.
Not my idea of the apex of eroticism.
Bingo! Oh, gosh! Time to "make myself an appointment", - if you know what I mean.
- Yeah.
- An appointment with sex.
- Uh-huh.
- With him.
- Yes, I got it, Bunny.
- (PHONE VIBRATES) - Ooh! Oh! What does a little red cross mean? Is that something to do with first aid? Er no, that means he's rejected your match request.
No, that does not happen to me.
Bunny, believe me.
I've been on BangR for three hours now.
I know what rejection looks like.
It looks like a little red cross.
But but I'm doing dead eyes and blow-job lips in my picture.
Welcome to the world of rejection.
Please join me in the holding area and wait to be called.
So, I've been thinking.
I think he must have been in surgery and his finger slipped.
- What? - The doctor that I was telling you about.
Let it go, mate.
- (TEXT ALERT) - Ooh.
Oh, yes, the unfeasibly fit guy's got back to me! I'm going on a date with Chris.
- Let's see.
- Check it out.
Winning the break-up! What you gonna wear? You need something slutty.
- Can I borrow a dress, then? - Yeah, yeah.
So, where you going on this hot date, Meg? Well, er he lives in Goole.
So, we're just going to meet there.
- Goole? - Yeah.
- The town? - Yeah.
- The town near Hull? - Oh, shit, is it? Oh, my God! That's like 40 miles away.
Didn't you limit your search distance? I didn't know you had to limit your search distance.
Oh, great! You're not going, are you? I've put all the groundwork in now.
Fuck it.
I'll just go to Goole.
So, you're now commuting for a one-night stand? Disgusting! If he finds out that you've travelled all the way from Leeds just for a date, he's going to think you're really desperate.
Well, he doesn't have to know, does he, Bunny? I could be from Goole.
"Hello.
I am Meg.
I am from Goole.
Charmed, I'm sure.
" Have you ever even been to Goole? I'll just read the Wikipedia entry.
Bone up on a few factoids.
- Don't say "factoids" on your date, mate.
- Yeah.
Fucking I've got myself a BangR date tomorrow night as well.
Just to piss off Gary.
You sort yourself a date, Ginge? No.
No.
But I've been thinking that tomorrow night, I'm going to go to the hospital.
Oh, God! I know that feeling of regret when you accidentally swipe somebody out of your life.
He's probably lost sleep over it ever since and, God, he's a doctor.
Lives are at stake.
It must be put right.
It's practically a public duty.
Tried to do the right thing but the right thing did me wrong Hello.
I'm looking for a particular doctor but I don't know his name.
He's got brown hair and the enigmatic sexual energy of a young David Cameron.
Oh, yeah, that'd be Dr Adams.
(WHISPERS) Dr Adams.
And, er is he working tonight? He is.
May I ask Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba! Fit things come to those who wait.
(DISTANT SIREN WAILING) Hey I'm in love My fingers keep on clicking to the beating of my heart Right, well, your profile picture's bullshit.
You look nothing like it.
Well, I I have been working out a fair bit since then, so And dancing in the street Hey, it's cos of you Ooh The world is in a crazy, hazy hue - (PHONE RINGS) - BUNNY: Hi, Laura.
Come quick.
Terrorists have set fire to me and hit me with a hammer and stuff.
Don't worry.
I'm staying put in Uncle Sam's.
Gary's just walked in with some skank he's got off BangR.
Ugh! Bet this is where he takes all his whores.
Isn't that where you two got together? Whatever.
My heart is beating like a jungle drum Dun-ka, dun-ka, dukka-dukka, dum-dum Dun-ka, dun-ka, dukka-dukka, dum-dum Dun-ka, dun-ka, boom, boom-boom Dun-ka, dun-ka, dukka-dukka, dum-dum Boom-boom, boom, dukka, dum-dum My heart is beating like a jungle drum Dun-ka, dun-ka, dukka-dukka, dum-dum My heart is beating like a jungle drum Chris, I presume? - Meg, right? - Hi.
- Hi.
- Sorry I'm a bit late.
No, no worries.
Did you have to come far? No.
No, just, um just down the road.
- Oh, right.
Whereabouts? - Goole.
Yeah, right.
Whereabouts in Goole? Central Goole.
Just near the main shop.
(CLEARS THROAT) Yep, I'm a Gooler.
I'm Goolean.
I am a Gooler.
Right.
Yeah, a lot of people hate on Goole but I always say, which other port on the Northeast coast can handle nearly three million tonnes of cargo per annum? Right, yeah.
Is it that much? Zlotôw in Poland is twinned with Goole.
Somebody knows their factoids.
Goole! Dun-ka, dun-ka, dukka-dukka, dum-dum My heart is beating like a jungle ADRIAN: It seems to be just when I eat certain types of, er jam.
It doesn't happen with fruit.
It it's just the the kind of compote, kind of preserve, er thing.
It's not much my head swells up.
My face, almost the opposite, like shrinks.
So, the the skin kind of tightens Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Oh, Eugene, you're so funny! Oh, no, no, it's Adrian.
My name's Adrian.
Mm.
Potato, tomato.
So, what's your job? Oh, I work in the, er marketing sector of a a global enterprise Ha-ha! You're so charming! Do excuse me.
I must slash.
What are you playing at? I don't know what you're talking about.
I've moved on, Gary.
This shit has sailed.
You've clearly picked up the first guy you could find on BangR to try and make me jealous.
Bollocks.
Adrian might not be Alex Reid.
But he's a good man, maybe a great man.
And he knows his way around my twat.
- I think you should leave.
- I think you should leave.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- Well, neither am I! Ask the waitress for her biggest bottle of champagne.
Er could we get a bottle of champagne? Your biggest one.
Right, what else? We'll show him who's on the best date! - You know nothing, Jon Snow.
- Ha-ha-ha! And it's such a small thing, but I just really hate it when people call it - Games Of Thrones.
Games Of Thrones.
I know, it's quite clearly Game Of Thrones, and just because I'm Northern doesn't mean I'd choose House Stark.
- Obviously it would be House Tyrell.
- House Tyrell! All the way.
Strategically, the Reach is so important.
Yeah, good luck trying to starve us out in a siege.
To Highgarden.
(GLASSES CLINK) If you think you're getting to him first, you're dreaming, love.
- I just vomited a pint of blood.
- Oh, I bet you did(!) (PHONE VIBRATES) Hi, Meg.
The fit guy isn't a bell-end.
What? He's amazing and he likes Game Of Thrones and he reads for pleasure and he likes me.
Bunny, I seriously think this could be the start of something big.
BUNNY: You're not supposed to be getting attached.
This is a purely sexual conquest.
- He does know you're not from Goole? - MEG: Shit.
No, it's fine.
I can keep that up.
Hell, maybe I'll even move to Goole.
Can't be that bad.
Did you know it has the largest out-of-town Morrisons in the East Riding? Oh, shut up.
Gotta go! - The doctor will see me now.
- (RETCHES) Oh, nice try.
- Hi, Doctor.
- Yes? I think I'm having an allergic reaction to something.
I'm feeling all hot and bothered.
I wondered if you could give me a looking over.
What are you doing this evening? I'm surgically removing a particularly aggressive tumour from a man's colon.
Ooh, colon.
Er that's up your arse.
Look, you're not exhibiting any obvious physical symptoms.
You need to be sick to be in here.
Now, I really must go.
Can we get shit-loads of them little burgers that you can eat in one bite? Can I get some Baileys profiteroles for the table, please? More ribs, waiter! The big ones on the sizzly plates! Two of your biggest knickerbocker glories with extra sparklers! Nachos.
Loads of them.
Coffees for everyone! Filter coffees for everyone! (CHEERING) Happy birthday, dear Adrian Happy birthday to you! Laura, I keep telling you, my birthday's in April.
Shut up, you specky knob.
(MARIACHI BAND MUSIC) Hiya, Mum.
Yeah, it's it's me.
Quick question.
What am I allergic to? - Sorry, er do you sell penicillin? - No.
- Birch tree pollen? - No.
- How about chillies? - Yes.
Perfect.
Bye, Mummy! Well, I guess that's the date.
Yeah.
I mean unless we, er go back to yours for a drink? Problem with that.
Flatmate's got the rugby lads round and by the time I left, there were already quite a few bollocks on display, so But we could go back to yours? Can't, really, because, er it's the same problem.
Yeah.
Um my flatmate's got all of the hockey team round and, um they've got their fannies out.
Yeah.
Er next time, then? Yeah.
Yeah, I'd I'd really like that.
At least let me walk you home.
No.
No, er honestly, that that's very kind but there's, er there's really no need.
- Sorry, but I insist.
- Oh, God.
We both know what happened on Anderson Road last week.
Yes, we do.
Who could have missed it in in the local Goole newspaper? The Goole Times.
- That's where I read it.
- (SIGHS) Ooh! We we really have pushed the boat out, haven't we? Er Oh, just so you know, I ain't one of these feminist people.
No, I I wouldn't dream of insulting you as a woman by suggesting anything other than splitting the bill 50-50.
I'll take 90-10.
Fuck, Gary! How we going to pay these bills? I'm thinking, I'm thinking! Right, how about this? We go out through the bog window and let us dates pick up us tab? Go out through the bog windows? That's your answer to everything, isn't it, Gary? Most things, yeah.
Right, let's do it.
Hey, Laura.
Being in here, do you know what it reminds me of? Our first date, innit? This is our cubicle.
Do you remember? Right, get your kecks off and stand on the toilet seat before I change my mind.
Hang on, didn't we already walk down this street? Well, this is me.
- Which one? - This one.
(THEY CHUCKLE) Well, you've got my number, so Why have you got a wheelchair ramp to your front door? Well Ha-ha! I think the question is, Chris, why haven't you got one? Fair point.
Installed it straight after the Paralympics.
So, don't tell me there's no legacy.
That fucker there, that is your legacy.
That was nice.
I'll call you.
- Bye, then.
- Bye, then.
(RAMP CLUNKS) Er ha-ha! (UNDER HER BREATH) Off you piss now, Christopher.
Ha-ha.
Oh, dear Lord, it's open.
You must be the girl from the agency.
(CHAIR WHIRS) Yes.
Yes.
That's why I'm in your house.
Come to wash my bottom half.
Have I? Or or was it just your hands this week? If I can't reach it, I can't wipe it.
Here we gol Whoo-hool Whoo-hoo-hoo Meg? What are you doing? Chris.
I'm sorry.
I live in Leeds, and that's not my house.
I thought I shouldn't tell you that, because it might make me look mental that I'd come all this way just for sex.
Not that it was just for sex.
It was just for sex, but that was when I was trying to win the break-up, and I thought you'd be a bell-end because of your face, but you're not, you're really nice, even though you've got the arms and chest of a bell-end - in a good way.
There was no way I was going to wash that old lady's vagina just to keep up the pretence that I live in Goole.
Look, the point is I lied.
That's bad.
Now, if it's what you want, I'll get back on the coach to Leeds and you'll never see me again and we'll never know what might have been.
Or I could stay here with you.
And we could, who knows, fall in love start a new life here.
In Goole.
Meg and Chris.
What do you say? Oh, God.
I think I've lost my ticket.
Do you take credit cards? Oh, come on! It's the last bus! Mm.
(GASPS) (SQUEAKS) Ugh! (RETCHES AND GROANS) (GASPS) (RETCHES) (SNIFFS) Ugh! Oh, God.
(PHONE RINGS) What? Help me! I've done something really, really silly and I seriously think that I might be dying.
(TUTS) Thanks, Bunny, I texted you "cucumber" an hour ago.
Believe me, you are far, far too late.
You know you can limit the search Yes, I know you can limit the search distance, Mark now.
(SIGHS) Thanks for this.
I can't take you all the way to the flat, by the way.
- You'll have to walk from Dewsbury Road.
- Why? - I've got a date.
- Of course you have.
Hang on.
It's nearly midnight.
What kind of date starts at Right.
(PHONE RINGS) Bunny! We came as quickly as we could.
I'm so sorry.
- Are you OK? - She's responding well to treatment.
The pain still comes and goes in waves.
But we're doing everything we can to make her comfortable.
Tom's been telling me all about his motorbike.
It sounds ever so exciting.
Well, I shall have to take you for a ride sometime, Bunny.
I mean, not while you're still a patient.
That would be rather unprofessional.
(BEEPING) (SHE SOBS) It's OK, Bunny.
Breathe through the pain.
Fucking hell! Is she all right? Nurse! Oh, my God! (SHE GROANS) (WHINES) (LOUD LONG FART) (FART CONTINUES) Oh! (TUTS) I'm so sorry about that.
I, um don't know what happened there.
Just - (RUMBLING) - Ooh.
(LONG LOUD FART) (FART CONTINUES) (FART ENDS) Oh.
Oh, God, that's better.
So Tom.
This, er motorbike.
Is it a Harley? - Are you sending someone a safe word? - I don't know what you mean.
- (PAGER BLEEPS) - Ooh.
Got to go.
Emergency.
Technically tech-nic-ally, he did just ask me out and you both witnessed it.
Never been turned down.
How was Goole, Meg? Goole? Yeah, yeah.
Nice enough town.
- I can never go back.
How was your night? - Well, me and Gary have a big announcement to make.
We've decided to come off BangR.
Oh, my God.
That is so romantic.
I think we should all come off BangR.
And open a window.
Rock my world until the sunlight Make this dream the best I've ever known Dirty dancing in the moonlight Take me down like I'm a domino Every second is a highlight When we touch, don't ever let me go.
Bwark!