Drifters (2013) s04e06 Episode Script
Funeral
1 (HEART MONITOR BEEPS) Hi, Granny.
How's acting? Oh, that's not me, that's Bunny.
Oh.
Did I hear my name? Aww.
Poor Granny Primrose.
- How are you feeling? - I Daddy mentioned something about a bracelet? Bedside table.
(BEEPING SPEEDS UP) - Do I get something, or? - Meg! Sorry.
As it happens, she did ask me to give you these.
She's very tired.
I think you better go now, girls.
All right.
Bye, Granny.
Bye, Granny.
It's awful.
I wish we could do something.
I feel so helpless.
Yeah.
Ooh! (THEY LAUGH EXCITEDLY) Oh, come on! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I'm so excited Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Someday, someday, Leeds United.
BUNNY: Meg! Come quick! What happened? What? What time is it? - It's 4am.
- Guys, something sensaysh has happened.
Sensaysh like the time Sabrina the Teenage Witch followed you on Twitter? It's about the dead Granny money.
Well, she's still alive, so maybe don't call it that yet? I bought a humongous pressie for all three of us! So, this weekend we are going to Please be Center Parcs.
Glastonbury! I've just won the tickets on eBay.
In your face, muffhunter69! No frigging way.
I can't afford that! No, they're on me.
I feel really guilty about how good it feels being the favourite, best granddaughter.
Plus, yes, you defo can't afford it.
Thanks, but I don't need charity.
Well, just pay me back in favours or whatever.
I'd really feel more comfortable paying you back in actual money.
- They cost a thousand pounds.
- Or favours.
Favours is fine.
Glastonbury! ALL: Glastonbury! [MUSIC: Levels by Avicii.]
Sorry, Nathan.
My alarm didn't go off, phone's broke.
No, it's not.
Tracey wants a word.
And that word might be, "Fired.
" Shitballs.
Sorry I'm late, me phone, it How was Apocolash? You what? We follow all our employees on social media.
Yeah, but that weren't the reason I were late.
I'm going through a very painful break-up.
Oh? With him? Or him? Final warning.
One more strike, and you're out.
I'll make it up to you.
(SHE SNORES) MEG: Right, so this Glasto packing list of yours.
I've got glowsticks, beads, sequins, glitter Yeah, that's all I'm taking.
- Have you booked the transport? - Yeah, I think Hot And Cold's going to give us a lift on Friday.
He's lending us a tent, and he's already texted me saying he "can't wait to roll around in the mud with me.
" God, I bet he's got fit friends.
Add johnnies to the list.
[MUSIC: 24 Hour Party People by The Happy Mondays.]
Twenty four hour party people Plastic face can't smile the whites out.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi, Mum, can I call you back? I'm just Er, Meg, it's important.
Are you sitting down? Well, sort of.
Granny Primrose died in the night.
(LIQUID TRICKLES) Oh! Oh, God, that's That's terrible, Mum, I'm so sorry.
Meg, are you on the toilet? Sorry, I tried to say.
Look, just get over here when you can.
There's lots I need you to do for the funeral on Saturday.
- The funeral's on Saturday? - Yes.
No! No Aahh The grief.
Yeah, OK.
Bye, Mum.
- Has Granny died? - And it gets worse.
The funeral's on Saturday.
- No! - Yeah.
(SHE SIGHS) Can you leave, mate? It's turning into a poo.
Kes-o! - Why you wearing goggles? - Protection from all the mud and beer flying around.
And jizz, probably.
Plus they look cool.
Hmm.
Wow! Someone's prepared.
Got to be up on your festival hacks.
Ale.
Check.
Transport for said ale.
Check.
Want one? Going to head down Friday afternoon, get the best spot for Gary Gazebo.
- Still want a lift? - Oh, well, er I've got a bit of a problem, in that my granny's died.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
The The funeral's on Saturday.
Are you going to sack it off then? Probably.
Your gran's not going to know, Kes.
She's dead.
It's what she would've wanted.
She'd have wanted me to festival fuck you.
From behind.
In a tent.
Maybe not even in a tent.
I've seen people at Glastonbury just fucking in a field.
I saw this one guy eat a lass out in the stone circle in front of everybody.
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
Want me to bring you any drugs, Kes? Oh, I don't really do drugs.
Oh, you will do, Kes.
You will.
Nothing like dirty festival sex on drugs.
I usually drop on the way down, so I'm perfectly high by the time I hit the gates.
Fuck.
I'll bring the tent and the drugs.
You bring your A game.
And johnnies.
MEG: It's just such a shock, you know? I can't process it.
The one year we had tickets.
Is it worth just going for the Sunday? Oh, of course it's not, Meg.
All the hotties will be paired off by Sunday, and all that'll be left for us is twats in Morphsuits and the foldy chair brigade.
Oh.
Cheer up.
Who died? Oh, shit, is it your gran? LAURA: Soz.
And there's bad news.
We can't go to Glastonbury.
It's the funeral.
Right.
Can I have your tickets? - Unless - No, Meg.
Well, I mean, come on.
How close were we anyway? She left me a fucking tenner.
Yeah, you don't owe her shit! You, on the other hand, Bun You can't go without me! I bought the tickets! Just tell your mum and dad that we're sorry but we're busy.
Why do I have to do it? I own you, remember? (SHE SIGHS) So, yeah, she went peacefully in her sleep.
With just a little help, towards the end.
What do you mean, help? Just a couple of extra sleepy pills, to make sure there was no pain.
All right, Dr Shipman.
Not strictly legal but, you know The doctors usually turn a blind eye.
There's a second autopsy today, and a police interview, which I'm sure is just going to be a formality.
So we need you both to help us out.
What, like an alibi?! No, we need you two to organise the funeral.
Oh, no.
Why? Oh, why, God, why? Oh, why? She's very upset.
About Granny.
Here's a controversial idea.
Do we even really need a funeral, anyway? I mean, they can just make people feel worse, can't they? Ugh! I thought I was in denial.
Right, I've written down all the instructions for you both here.
We need you to step up, Meg.
And, er, will it be, er necessary to attend? On top of the organising? Yeah.
Yeah, no.
You do have to attend your grandmother's funeral.
- Meg! - Well, you do, mate.
Glastonbury tickets or not.
You've got Glastonbury tickets for this weekend? Which you'll be sacrificing, because that's what grown-ups do.
Yes.
That's That's exactly what we're doing.
(SHE SOBS) [MUSIC: We Got You by Lemaitre ft The Knocks.]
- Nathan? - Yeah? - What the fuck's this? - Can you not swear at me? It's just, I am your team leader.
Soz, but there's no fucking way I'm working this weekend.
Look, it's not negotiable.
You don't understand.
It's important.
I've got a funeral.
Everyone knows you're going to Glastonbury.
Am not.
Stop stalking me on social media, anyway.
We didn't have to.
We've seen your desk.
I signed for half this stuff.
Plus, you're already wearing your wellies.
- Is there a problem? - Can't work this weekend, - got a funeral.
- Nice try.
I'll prove it, I swear! Me nan's dead as fuck, all right? As this is a non-religious ceremony, legally, there are no requirements as to who runs the service.
So if you have a family member that could do a particularly good job? We can do it ourselves? And it can be as short as we want? Yes.
So, do you want to confirm for Saturday morning? Just out of interest, have you got anything Friday? We can't change the date of the funeral can we? Actually, we do have a slot Friday morning.
Best day ever! What's your Wi-Fi code? I need to check in.
We're sorry for your loss, and we're even more sorry for not believing you.
You're forgiven.
Nathan's going to cover for you this weekend.
- Of course.
- Obviously, take your time to grieve.
How much time will that be, exactly? As much time as you need.
Thanks for understanding.
Yeah.
Can you wear flip flops to a funeral? Er, maybe black ones.
But it's It's moved to Friday.
I know, it is it is short notice.
Sorry, Gerald.
Yes, I'll be wearing something nice.
OK, yeah.
OK, bye.
(SHE SIGHS) Gerald, there.
Still creepy after all these years.
Ugh! God, being an adult's awful.
It's basically just people dying and admin.
Bunny, can you do anything to help me at all? Oh, sorry, Meg.
But if anything, you should be helping me.
You still owe me, ooh a few hundred favours at least.
Now, headdress or Pocahontas wig? I mean, they're both offensive.
How? Where's this cocking hearse? Right, it's here, it's here, it's here! OK, time to move, people! Let's go do some mourning.
Right, OK.
Hot and Cold's picking us up in one hour.
He won't wait, but if everything goes to plan then we have just the right amount of time to make it.
Whizz down to the crem now, pop back here for a couple of corrie chicken sangers, and then cruise into Worthy Farm in time for the silent disco.
Roger.
Let's keep it moving.
Is he taking the piss or what? Floor it, mate, we're late.
(CHURCH BELLS CHIME) Post Right.
BUNNY: Meg, is that everybody? No, but we're eating into precious back pocket time already.
- Let's just start.
- Wait for me! Oh, really? Meg, can you please? Hello.
Hi, Stan, shall we get you inside.
Gerald, hi! Hello, Meg.
Flat shoes? With those legs? I'm sorry for your loss.
OK, OK.
Let's just go in.
(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS) OK, let's just start.
OK, hello, everybody.
My name's Megan Keswick, as Granny always used to say when I went to visit her, "Let's just get this over with".
You're laughing, but that is a direct quote.
Erm, anyway, so we are here to celebrate her life just quickly, so let's kick off with an extract from a song sung by her favourite granddaughter, Bunny.
I did my best it wasn't much I couldn't feel so I tried to touch I've told the truth I didn't come to fool ya Hallelujah Hallelujah.
(MUSIC STOPS) Hallelujah Hallelujah Ooooh Oooh, oh, oh Yeah.
(WHISPERING) Hallelujah.
Erm, Hallelujah there, in its entirety.
Jesus, right, OK, let us pray.
Amen.
Right, brilliant, OK.
Stop All The Clocks by W.
H.
Auden.
Er, yeah.
Stop all the clocks cut off the telephone prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum bring out the coffin and let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead, scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East my West.
My working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.
I thought that love would last for ever, I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now, put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Hit it.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS) Well, you get the idea.
You're all dismissed.
See you all back at the wake in 15 mins tops, please.
No, I can't smile - Ever so proud of you love.
- Thanks, Mum.
Have you had a chat with Gerald? Not since I was 13 and he told me I should shave my legs.
He's recruiting for an administrator in Telford.
I'll go and find him.
Hot and Cold's getting impatient.
We should go as soon as we can politely leave.
Look, half these people are oldies.
Once that buffet's gone, they'll be on the next bus.
Do it.
Er, sorry can I.
(POP MUSIC PLAYS) What are you doing here? You're supposed to be waiting in the car.
We need to go.
I've just took a pill but I can't feel anything yet.
You've taken a pill? You're supposed to be driving! - I'm not driving, Pete's driving.
- Where's Pete? (CAR HORN HONKS) - He's getting a bit tetchy.
- Right, OK.
I'll find a way to leave.
Chill, Kes.
I hope Stressy Kes ain't coming to Glasto.
I'm just a bit emotional cos of the funeral.
Maybe you should take a little pill, chill you out a little bit.
- Hmmm.
- They don't do 'owt.
They're mild, like a korma.
You'll just get a bit high in the car with me and it'll feel amazing when we hold hands.
It's all about the journey, Kes.
Ow, it drives me crazy when you bite your lip.
Crazy in a sex way.
Oh, no, no, I don't know if I want to.
Make your mind up it's dissolving! Tastes minging! Right, OK, yes, I will.
Swallowed it now.
Do you want one or not? Oooh, you sexy fucking badass bitch, Kes.
- You ready for this? - Yeah, I'm fucking fucking rocking rolling ready, like a crazy druggy twat.
Cheese puff? Oh, they're lovely, - aren't they those? - Lovely vol-au-vents.
Just have a few more.
Marvellous.
(KNOCKING) Somebody in there? (MUFFLED): I'm just brushing my teeth.
Well, hurry up, please! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) (HE MOANS) You can't go in there.
I'm haven't finished.
No, Meg, it's urgent.
Those vol-au-vent have played havoc with me.
Hold on, you've got a little bit of toothpaste, there.
That's got it.
Mmm, I'm very upset, Dad, I need to just have a cry.
I've got to get it all out.
I need at least ten minutes of privacy.
Ten minutes? Oh, I'll have to break the hallway bathroom rule for you.
I'm rushing me tits off, Kes.
These pills are red hot, fucking vindaloo.
You won't be able to handle it.
Don't say that! Oh, shit, this is going to be rough.
I need to get out of here.
No, no, no, you can't be seen! I'm losing it.
Hold me, Kes.
OK.
erm right, just don't go anywhere.
Hot and Cold took a pill and he's off his box in the Granny annexe.
Really? Well, he gave us some earlier and I don't feel a thing, do you? - Neh.
Probably duds.
- MEG: What? You've taken some as well? Guys, I'm scared, I took one.
Oh, fuckin' hell.
I was trying to be sexy, festival Meg, but now I'm scared.
I don't think I can handle it.
We've gotta get out of here now before they kick in.
Don't people die from pills sometimes? Well done, Meg, love.
Oh, thank you, Stan.
What if I swallowed rat poison? Now, Meg, - we must speak jobs.
- Hi, Gerald.
Don't worry Meg, everything is going to be fine, no-one else is gonna die.
Do not go under.
One word.
Telford.
Oh, shit! Look we need to go now.
Course, er Might have to wait a bit though, cos somebody's made off with my legs.
Is it hot or are these pills starting to kick in? Get Meg.
Er, Meg! Oh, Laura! Hi.
Ohhhh, Laura.
We were just saying about death and how it's all just souls and energy basically.
Were you now? Come with me.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, God, you both look great.
Everything's going to be fine, I think.
I feel really good about this whole situash.
I feel amazing.
What shall we do? (CAR HORN HONKS) Oh, shit.
Pete's still waiting.
What were we gonna do before we got sidetracked? We were getting ready to leave.
Let's go [MUSIC: Everybody In The Place by The Prodigy.]
Ha, ha, ha.
Everybody's in the place Everybody's in the place Everybody's in the place Everybody's You look nice.
(MUSIC STOPS) (MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN) (MUSIC STOPS) (MUSIC STARTS) Let's go (MUSIC CONTINUES) Everybody's in the place Let's go Everybody's in the place Let's go (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) Well, that's a disappointment.
Listen, Meg, if you want to mourn your grandmother's death by arsing about in piss-soaked mud, drinking overpriced flat cider and listening to DJ Shite, well, that's fine by me! Yes, we are going to go and dance in a field to poorly amplified music and at least one of us will have unprotected sex.
Probably me.
- What's all the commotion? - She's going to Glastonbury.
What? (CAR HORN HOOTS) Did you change the day of the funeral so you could go to Glastonbury? Did you euthanize my grandmother to death? So, yeah, we're going to Glastonbury and you know what you've done.
What? These are from 2014.
So? It is 2014, isn't it? Isn't it? Oh, my God.
Laterz then.
Yeah, "laterz".
Ohhhh! That has cheered me right up.
Let's crack a bottle.
MEG: Do you want to go back and sit in the bathroom? Yeah.
Let's jus keep you away from Gerald.
(THEY LAUGH)
How's acting? Oh, that's not me, that's Bunny.
Oh.
Did I hear my name? Aww.
Poor Granny Primrose.
- How are you feeling? - I Daddy mentioned something about a bracelet? Bedside table.
(BEEPING SPEEDS UP) - Do I get something, or? - Meg! Sorry.
As it happens, she did ask me to give you these.
She's very tired.
I think you better go now, girls.
All right.
Bye, Granny.
Bye, Granny.
It's awful.
I wish we could do something.
I feel so helpless.
Yeah.
Ooh! (THEY LAUGH EXCITEDLY) Oh, come on! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I'm so excited Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Someday, someday, Leeds United.
BUNNY: Meg! Come quick! What happened? What? What time is it? - It's 4am.
- Guys, something sensaysh has happened.
Sensaysh like the time Sabrina the Teenage Witch followed you on Twitter? It's about the dead Granny money.
Well, she's still alive, so maybe don't call it that yet? I bought a humongous pressie for all three of us! So, this weekend we are going to Please be Center Parcs.
Glastonbury! I've just won the tickets on eBay.
In your face, muffhunter69! No frigging way.
I can't afford that! No, they're on me.
I feel really guilty about how good it feels being the favourite, best granddaughter.
Plus, yes, you defo can't afford it.
Thanks, but I don't need charity.
Well, just pay me back in favours or whatever.
I'd really feel more comfortable paying you back in actual money.
- They cost a thousand pounds.
- Or favours.
Favours is fine.
Glastonbury! ALL: Glastonbury! [MUSIC: Levels by Avicii.]
Sorry, Nathan.
My alarm didn't go off, phone's broke.
No, it's not.
Tracey wants a word.
And that word might be, "Fired.
" Shitballs.
Sorry I'm late, me phone, it How was Apocolash? You what? We follow all our employees on social media.
Yeah, but that weren't the reason I were late.
I'm going through a very painful break-up.
Oh? With him? Or him? Final warning.
One more strike, and you're out.
I'll make it up to you.
(SHE SNORES) MEG: Right, so this Glasto packing list of yours.
I've got glowsticks, beads, sequins, glitter Yeah, that's all I'm taking.
- Have you booked the transport? - Yeah, I think Hot And Cold's going to give us a lift on Friday.
He's lending us a tent, and he's already texted me saying he "can't wait to roll around in the mud with me.
" God, I bet he's got fit friends.
Add johnnies to the list.
[MUSIC: 24 Hour Party People by The Happy Mondays.]
Twenty four hour party people Plastic face can't smile the whites out.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi, Mum, can I call you back? I'm just Er, Meg, it's important.
Are you sitting down? Well, sort of.
Granny Primrose died in the night.
(LIQUID TRICKLES) Oh! Oh, God, that's That's terrible, Mum, I'm so sorry.
Meg, are you on the toilet? Sorry, I tried to say.
Look, just get over here when you can.
There's lots I need you to do for the funeral on Saturday.
- The funeral's on Saturday? - Yes.
No! No Aahh The grief.
Yeah, OK.
Bye, Mum.
- Has Granny died? - And it gets worse.
The funeral's on Saturday.
- No! - Yeah.
(SHE SIGHS) Can you leave, mate? It's turning into a poo.
Kes-o! - Why you wearing goggles? - Protection from all the mud and beer flying around.
And jizz, probably.
Plus they look cool.
Hmm.
Wow! Someone's prepared.
Got to be up on your festival hacks.
Ale.
Check.
Transport for said ale.
Check.
Want one? Going to head down Friday afternoon, get the best spot for Gary Gazebo.
- Still want a lift? - Oh, well, er I've got a bit of a problem, in that my granny's died.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
The The funeral's on Saturday.
Are you going to sack it off then? Probably.
Your gran's not going to know, Kes.
She's dead.
It's what she would've wanted.
She'd have wanted me to festival fuck you.
From behind.
In a tent.
Maybe not even in a tent.
I've seen people at Glastonbury just fucking in a field.
I saw this one guy eat a lass out in the stone circle in front of everybody.
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
Want me to bring you any drugs, Kes? Oh, I don't really do drugs.
Oh, you will do, Kes.
You will.
Nothing like dirty festival sex on drugs.
I usually drop on the way down, so I'm perfectly high by the time I hit the gates.
Fuck.
I'll bring the tent and the drugs.
You bring your A game.
And johnnies.
MEG: It's just such a shock, you know? I can't process it.
The one year we had tickets.
Is it worth just going for the Sunday? Oh, of course it's not, Meg.
All the hotties will be paired off by Sunday, and all that'll be left for us is twats in Morphsuits and the foldy chair brigade.
Oh.
Cheer up.
Who died? Oh, shit, is it your gran? LAURA: Soz.
And there's bad news.
We can't go to Glastonbury.
It's the funeral.
Right.
Can I have your tickets? - Unless - No, Meg.
Well, I mean, come on.
How close were we anyway? She left me a fucking tenner.
Yeah, you don't owe her shit! You, on the other hand, Bun You can't go without me! I bought the tickets! Just tell your mum and dad that we're sorry but we're busy.
Why do I have to do it? I own you, remember? (SHE SIGHS) So, yeah, she went peacefully in her sleep.
With just a little help, towards the end.
What do you mean, help? Just a couple of extra sleepy pills, to make sure there was no pain.
All right, Dr Shipman.
Not strictly legal but, you know The doctors usually turn a blind eye.
There's a second autopsy today, and a police interview, which I'm sure is just going to be a formality.
So we need you both to help us out.
What, like an alibi?! No, we need you two to organise the funeral.
Oh, no.
Why? Oh, why, God, why? Oh, why? She's very upset.
About Granny.
Here's a controversial idea.
Do we even really need a funeral, anyway? I mean, they can just make people feel worse, can't they? Ugh! I thought I was in denial.
Right, I've written down all the instructions for you both here.
We need you to step up, Meg.
And, er, will it be, er necessary to attend? On top of the organising? Yeah.
Yeah, no.
You do have to attend your grandmother's funeral.
- Meg! - Well, you do, mate.
Glastonbury tickets or not.
You've got Glastonbury tickets for this weekend? Which you'll be sacrificing, because that's what grown-ups do.
Yes.
That's That's exactly what we're doing.
(SHE SOBS) [MUSIC: We Got You by Lemaitre ft The Knocks.]
- Nathan? - Yeah? - What the fuck's this? - Can you not swear at me? It's just, I am your team leader.
Soz, but there's no fucking way I'm working this weekend.
Look, it's not negotiable.
You don't understand.
It's important.
I've got a funeral.
Everyone knows you're going to Glastonbury.
Am not.
Stop stalking me on social media, anyway.
We didn't have to.
We've seen your desk.
I signed for half this stuff.
Plus, you're already wearing your wellies.
- Is there a problem? - Can't work this weekend, - got a funeral.
- Nice try.
I'll prove it, I swear! Me nan's dead as fuck, all right? As this is a non-religious ceremony, legally, there are no requirements as to who runs the service.
So if you have a family member that could do a particularly good job? We can do it ourselves? And it can be as short as we want? Yes.
So, do you want to confirm for Saturday morning? Just out of interest, have you got anything Friday? We can't change the date of the funeral can we? Actually, we do have a slot Friday morning.
Best day ever! What's your Wi-Fi code? I need to check in.
We're sorry for your loss, and we're even more sorry for not believing you.
You're forgiven.
Nathan's going to cover for you this weekend.
- Of course.
- Obviously, take your time to grieve.
How much time will that be, exactly? As much time as you need.
Thanks for understanding.
Yeah.
Can you wear flip flops to a funeral? Er, maybe black ones.
But it's It's moved to Friday.
I know, it is it is short notice.
Sorry, Gerald.
Yes, I'll be wearing something nice.
OK, yeah.
OK, bye.
(SHE SIGHS) Gerald, there.
Still creepy after all these years.
Ugh! God, being an adult's awful.
It's basically just people dying and admin.
Bunny, can you do anything to help me at all? Oh, sorry, Meg.
But if anything, you should be helping me.
You still owe me, ooh a few hundred favours at least.
Now, headdress or Pocahontas wig? I mean, they're both offensive.
How? Where's this cocking hearse? Right, it's here, it's here, it's here! OK, time to move, people! Let's go do some mourning.
Right, OK.
Hot and Cold's picking us up in one hour.
He won't wait, but if everything goes to plan then we have just the right amount of time to make it.
Whizz down to the crem now, pop back here for a couple of corrie chicken sangers, and then cruise into Worthy Farm in time for the silent disco.
Roger.
Let's keep it moving.
Is he taking the piss or what? Floor it, mate, we're late.
(CHURCH BELLS CHIME) Post Right.
BUNNY: Meg, is that everybody? No, but we're eating into precious back pocket time already.
- Let's just start.
- Wait for me! Oh, really? Meg, can you please? Hello.
Hi, Stan, shall we get you inside.
Gerald, hi! Hello, Meg.
Flat shoes? With those legs? I'm sorry for your loss.
OK, OK.
Let's just go in.
(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS) OK, let's just start.
OK, hello, everybody.
My name's Megan Keswick, as Granny always used to say when I went to visit her, "Let's just get this over with".
You're laughing, but that is a direct quote.
Erm, anyway, so we are here to celebrate her life just quickly, so let's kick off with an extract from a song sung by her favourite granddaughter, Bunny.
I did my best it wasn't much I couldn't feel so I tried to touch I've told the truth I didn't come to fool ya Hallelujah Hallelujah.
(MUSIC STOPS) Hallelujah Hallelujah Ooooh Oooh, oh, oh Yeah.
(WHISPERING) Hallelujah.
Erm, Hallelujah there, in its entirety.
Jesus, right, OK, let us pray.
Amen.
Right, brilliant, OK.
Stop All The Clocks by W.
H.
Auden.
Er, yeah.
Stop all the clocks cut off the telephone prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum bring out the coffin and let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead, scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East my West.
My working week and my Sunday rest.
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.
I thought that love would last for ever, I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now, put out every one.
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Hit it.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS) Well, you get the idea.
You're all dismissed.
See you all back at the wake in 15 mins tops, please.
No, I can't smile - Ever so proud of you love.
- Thanks, Mum.
Have you had a chat with Gerald? Not since I was 13 and he told me I should shave my legs.
He's recruiting for an administrator in Telford.
I'll go and find him.
Hot and Cold's getting impatient.
We should go as soon as we can politely leave.
Look, half these people are oldies.
Once that buffet's gone, they'll be on the next bus.
Do it.
Er, sorry can I.
(POP MUSIC PLAYS) What are you doing here? You're supposed to be waiting in the car.
We need to go.
I've just took a pill but I can't feel anything yet.
You've taken a pill? You're supposed to be driving! - I'm not driving, Pete's driving.
- Where's Pete? (CAR HORN HONKS) - He's getting a bit tetchy.
- Right, OK.
I'll find a way to leave.
Chill, Kes.
I hope Stressy Kes ain't coming to Glasto.
I'm just a bit emotional cos of the funeral.
Maybe you should take a little pill, chill you out a little bit.
- Hmmm.
- They don't do 'owt.
They're mild, like a korma.
You'll just get a bit high in the car with me and it'll feel amazing when we hold hands.
It's all about the journey, Kes.
Ow, it drives me crazy when you bite your lip.
Crazy in a sex way.
Oh, no, no, I don't know if I want to.
Make your mind up it's dissolving! Tastes minging! Right, OK, yes, I will.
Swallowed it now.
Do you want one or not? Oooh, you sexy fucking badass bitch, Kes.
- You ready for this? - Yeah, I'm fucking fucking rocking rolling ready, like a crazy druggy twat.
Cheese puff? Oh, they're lovely, - aren't they those? - Lovely vol-au-vents.
Just have a few more.
Marvellous.
(KNOCKING) Somebody in there? (MUFFLED): I'm just brushing my teeth.
Well, hurry up, please! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) (HE MOANS) You can't go in there.
I'm haven't finished.
No, Meg, it's urgent.
Those vol-au-vent have played havoc with me.
Hold on, you've got a little bit of toothpaste, there.
That's got it.
Mmm, I'm very upset, Dad, I need to just have a cry.
I've got to get it all out.
I need at least ten minutes of privacy.
Ten minutes? Oh, I'll have to break the hallway bathroom rule for you.
I'm rushing me tits off, Kes.
These pills are red hot, fucking vindaloo.
You won't be able to handle it.
Don't say that! Oh, shit, this is going to be rough.
I need to get out of here.
No, no, no, you can't be seen! I'm losing it.
Hold me, Kes.
OK.
erm right, just don't go anywhere.
Hot and Cold took a pill and he's off his box in the Granny annexe.
Really? Well, he gave us some earlier and I don't feel a thing, do you? - Neh.
Probably duds.
- MEG: What? You've taken some as well? Guys, I'm scared, I took one.
Oh, fuckin' hell.
I was trying to be sexy, festival Meg, but now I'm scared.
I don't think I can handle it.
We've gotta get out of here now before they kick in.
Don't people die from pills sometimes? Well done, Meg, love.
Oh, thank you, Stan.
What if I swallowed rat poison? Now, Meg, - we must speak jobs.
- Hi, Gerald.
Don't worry Meg, everything is going to be fine, no-one else is gonna die.
Do not go under.
One word.
Telford.
Oh, shit! Look we need to go now.
Course, er Might have to wait a bit though, cos somebody's made off with my legs.
Is it hot or are these pills starting to kick in? Get Meg.
Er, Meg! Oh, Laura! Hi.
Ohhhh, Laura.
We were just saying about death and how it's all just souls and energy basically.
Were you now? Come with me.
Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, God, you both look great.
Everything's going to be fine, I think.
I feel really good about this whole situash.
I feel amazing.
What shall we do? (CAR HORN HONKS) Oh, shit.
Pete's still waiting.
What were we gonna do before we got sidetracked? We were getting ready to leave.
Let's go [MUSIC: Everybody In The Place by The Prodigy.]
Ha, ha, ha.
Everybody's in the place Everybody's in the place Everybody's in the place Everybody's You look nice.
(MUSIC STOPS) (MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN) (MUSIC STOPS) (MUSIC STARTS) Let's go (MUSIC CONTINUES) Everybody's in the place Let's go Everybody's in the place Let's go (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) Well, that's a disappointment.
Listen, Meg, if you want to mourn your grandmother's death by arsing about in piss-soaked mud, drinking overpriced flat cider and listening to DJ Shite, well, that's fine by me! Yes, we are going to go and dance in a field to poorly amplified music and at least one of us will have unprotected sex.
Probably me.
- What's all the commotion? - She's going to Glastonbury.
What? (CAR HORN HOOTS) Did you change the day of the funeral so you could go to Glastonbury? Did you euthanize my grandmother to death? So, yeah, we're going to Glastonbury and you know what you've done.
What? These are from 2014.
So? It is 2014, isn't it? Isn't it? Oh, my God.
Laterz then.
Yeah, "laterz".
Ohhhh! That has cheered me right up.
Let's crack a bottle.
MEG: Do you want to go back and sit in the bathroom? Yeah.
Let's jus keep you away from Gerald.
(THEY LAUGH)