Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Washington D.C.

I'm the deputy director of the FBI.
I'm gonna look into this rascal "Deep throat.
" I think I'm gonna vomit.
Elvis freaks out.
He's gonna regret the day he stole that jewelry, man.
He He messed with the wrong guy.
John Wilkes Booth is like, Lincoln? What does it all mean? What is he talking about? Slavery.
I don't even get it.
Wha Where are we? Um, D.
C.
is the greatest place to live on Earth.
Um, it's a transient city, like a stepping stone.
So that brings a lot of new people in, but it's also brings people who don't know what the fuck's going on.
There's the three branches of government, all of these checks and balances.
JudiCIAl, executive, legislative.
They all exist in Washington, D.
C.
Have you been drinking? Here's the deal.
I have been.
Yeah.
Because that's the part of the thing that I gotta do for this show.
Hello.
My name is Matt Gourley.
And tonight, we're gonna talk about Watergate.
Let's begin.
Washington, D.
C.
Five Watergate burglars are arrested in the democratic national committee headquarters.
What are they doing there? Why are they breaking in? The young upstart reporter, Robert Woodward, goes to the hearing.
One of them, when the judge is asking these five burglars, who do you work for? The CIA.
Excuse me, could you say that a little bit louder? The CIA.
Robert Woodward is on to something.
Oh, look at this sweet, little fat guy.
Where do you gotta be right now? Okay, let's go back in time.
The year is 1970.
A young Robert Woodward, a lieutenant in the navy He's sitting next to this older, distinguished man, saying, I'm soon to be out of the navy.
What am I gonna do with my life? Am I gonna become a lawyer like my father wants? And this older man presents himself as a mentor, saying, so listen to me.
You're working for truth.
Stay with it.
And young Robert Woodward takes away from this thing, I can depend on this man.
I can call on this man at some point to give me information.
That man is Mark Felt, the deputy director of the FBI.
Let's flash forward a little bit.
Robert Woodward and his partner, Carl Bernstein, decide to call on His old Buddy, Mark Felt, for information about Watergate.
Felt says, I can't talk to you on the phone about this.
I'm Mark Felt, and I did spy times and WW II, and I know how this works.
You get the New York times Every day at your door.
At page 20, I will draw a little clock that says what hour I wanna meet you.
And here's the thing.
Anytime you wanna meet me, Mark Felt says, I need something that I could visually acknowledge.
Woodward says, I do have this potted plant that I keep out on my balcony.
I could move that.
And Mark Felt is like, here's the thing.
I wanna meet you at this underground parking garage in Virginia.
But anytime you wanna meet me, leave out the back stairs.
Walk a couple of blocks, get in a cab.
Take that cab, get out of the cab, walk a couple blocks, get in another cab, get in that cab, get out of that cab, walk a couple blocks to the Virginia parking garage that I previously talked about.
Woodward meets Felt.
And he says Hold on.
I think I'm gonna vomit.
Do you Do what you gotta do.
Sorry, pal.
I'm ready to tell the story.
Woodward meets with Mark Felt, and he says, could you tell me a little bit about why these guys might be connected? And he says, put the pieces together, you dumbass! It's all in front of you.
Do the work! Just be careful.
Watergate is the tip of the iceberg.
And when Robert Woodward took his secret source to the Washington Post, he said, my source is deep background.
That means he cannot be identified.
Their editor at the Washington post Said, yeah, you keep calling him deep background, but I'm gonna call him "Deep Throat" based on the pornography film that was very popular, which dealt with natural ladies, you know? And so Woodward and Bernstein figure out that this money connected to these burglars goes all the way to the Watergate administration to the Nixon administration.
Richard Nixon.
Let's talk about Richard Nixon.
Do you wanna talk about Richard Nixon? I would lo Yes, please.
Yeah, I thought you might.
Mark Felt says to Nixon, I'm the deputy director of the FBI.
I'm gonna look into this rascal "Deep throat.
" And further, I'm gonna set myself up as head of the investigation.
So Nixon's top Aide, Haldeman, says, I think Mark Felt is deep throat.
And Nixon says, now, why would he do that? And when the Watergate hearings gets to a boiling point, Nixon is like, I never knew of this Watergate break-in to discover information about the democrats.
And after that, he says, "I am not a Crook.
" Nixon knows he's.
And he says, there's nothing I can do about it.
Nobody's gonna trust me at this point.
I gotta step down.
Hand me some cookies.
All I know is I'm eating cookies and none of you are.
Do you guys want some cookies? No, we like watching you eat cookies.
You have no ambition.
The interesting thing about this take we're taking on it is all the stories we know of Watergate is, who's deep throat? And now we can tell the story knowing who deep throat is.
And in the end, you can toss aside Richard Nixon for all his cynicism, you can toss aside deep throat for all his cynicism, but you can't toss aside Robert Woodward, and to a Lesser extent, Carl Bernstein, for the truth that they exposed for America.
Well, we told the story of Watergate.
There's no way I could possibly misconstrue it as not the greatest Journalistic endeavor ever told.
Robert Woodward would be proud.
It's beautiful.
They're at the Ford's theater.
Until John Wilkes Booth comes into their box and shoots Lincoln in the head.
Abraham Lincoln is, like, the best.
Aside from the pro The emancipation proclamation, freed the slaves Actually, I'm east African.
It doesn't matter.
But he's swag.
Great, Abraham Lincoln.
Abraham Lincoln is, like, the best in America.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
History.
Yeah? When I drank, it sounded like a fart.
Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about John Wilkes Booth and his brother, Edwin Booth The Booth brothers.
Edwin Booth and John Wilkes Booth were born to a British actor named Ju Nius Brutus Booth.
Edwin is a favorite of their dad.
Junius was so mean, he wouldn't even let John Wilkes into photographs with him.
John Wilkes, stay back, man.
Stay away.
Because you're not cool.
Stop.
You're kinda weird.
You're weirding everybody out.
Just back away.
And he became sad.
Which establishes their rivalry.
In 1858, John Wilkes and Edwin Booth were the most famous actors in the world.
Performance-wise, everyone loved Edwin Booth.
John Wilkes Booth He was untrained.
He would knock sets down.
He was so violent.
So when the civil war broke out, John Wilkes Booth is like, Lincoln? What does it all mean? What is he talking about? Slavery.
I don't even get it.
That was the moment his political aspirations avertook artistic aspiration.
However, Abraham Lincoln was requesting Edwin perform Shakespeare at government functions.
Am I it up, guys? What's up, guys? What is it it up? Okay, okay.
Okay.
Right, right, right.
At the Ford's theater, when John Wilkes Booth was gesticulating, Abraham Lincoln's sister-in-law is like, I think he's pointing at you, Abraham.
And Abraham Lincoln is like, it does seem like he's pointing at me.
This is a little weird.
He should, uh, you know, not be pointing at me during this particular line because it's sort of aggressive.
In November 1864, Edwin Booth is like, hey, you know, I wanna get to know you better.
We've had some hard times.
Let's do a play together again, for one performance only Julius Caesar.
John Wilkes' favorite role was Brutus, the man that executes a tyrant.
And Edwin Booth is like, I get to play Brutus.
For one performance only, in the production of Julius Caesar, Edwin said, "Sic Semper tyrannis," and everyone loves it.
Critics said that it was the most important show of all time.
So John Wilkes Booth started getting involved with a secret confederate society and had masterminded a plan to kidnap Lincoln.
So John Wilkes Booth went to the Ford's theater to pick up his mail, and John Ford's brother is like, hey, are you gonna come see our American cousin Tonight? Our american cousin? You guys are doing our American cousin Tonight? Yeah.
Abraham Lincoln's gonna be here.
You should come.
And John Wilkes Booth is like, uh, what? Abraham Lincoln's gonna be at the theater tonight? Oh, my God.
I'm gonna change my plan from kidnapping him to assassinating him.
So Abraham Lincoln's at the play our American cousin with his wife, Mary Todd.
It's beautiful.
Everything's going perfectly until John Wilkes Booth comes into their box.
Welcome back to Drunk History.
My dad is a senator.
Wha Where are we? John Wilkes Booth comes into their box and shoots Lincoln in the head.
After he shot Lincoln, he jumped from the balcony, breaking his ankle.
Oh, my I'm hurting! Really? In raising his knife in the air, he said, "'t' pluribus unum.
" I don't remember what Ah, fuck.
I can't remember what the fuck it was.
Oh, I wish I could remember.
Wa Wait, wait! Sic teramis tempest.
No more tyranny You know basically.
That's John Wilkes Booth.
And he's saying a line from Julius Caesar.
And he's like, this is fucking perfect, and everybody gets what I'm doing right now.
After Abraham Lincoln's assassination, Edwin Booth decides to write a letter to America, saying, I'm retiring from acting as a penance for what my brother did.
His horrifying act, I'm done.
Five months after Abraham Lincoln is buried, Edwin Booth is like, I'm back! Everybody relax, I'm doing our american cousin.
I know that's the one that my brother assassinated Abraham Lincoln during.
But that's what I'm gonna do.
And everyone loves it.
And he's back, because he's kind of egotistical.
No one ever talks about Edwin Booth.
Do you guys want me to put a pizza in the oven? And a good day to you, sir.
Oh, dude, I heard you have absinthe.
- Yeah.
- I've never had it.
Elvis! Yeah, man? What album do you wanna listen to right now? - You pick, man, you pick.
- Well, you Any of those albums is damn good, man.
Live at Madison square garden, man, with the thing, man with the deal of the of the of a girl.
Hello! Today, we're gonna talk about the day that the king met Nixon.
My favorite story of all time is Elvis was out in L.
A.
and they were at a dinner.
And the people he was with were like, hey, that guy over there is huge in the voiceover animation world.
But he is a federally licensed narcotics Officer.
It's the ultimate badge.
You can do anything with it.
You can pull over any car, anything in the world.
And Elvis becomes obsessed.
He walks up to the guy, introduces himself.
The guy shows his badge.
I am the guy.
I can arrest everyone in here right now.
And suddenly, Elvis is like, I have to have that badge.
I need that badge.
How can this guy If he has a badge Mr.
Do the crazy-Funny Woodcock voice? No.
I can do it.
It drove him nuts.
We're going to Washington, and this badge is happening.
Let's go.
So Elvis Had police lights, would pull people over.
And Elvis is the whole way, he's been like, I'm gonna interrogate his ass.
He's gonna regret the day he stole that jewelry, man.
Cheers.
Mmm! That's got a good taste.
That's That's a lot to do a shot.
You're insane! Whoo! Yeah, we should've just sipped that.
Whoo! - Ready? - Okay, Buddy.
Elvis writes a letter to Nixon while on the plane.
They land, and he drops it off at the front of the white house.
It was shocking.
No celebrities want to hang out with Nixon.
So when he reached out, they're like, Elvis wants to meet with you.
This can't hurt matters.
Don't you wanna see what Elvis has to say? Why not? He's like, yeah, arrange it.
Yeah, I wanna meet him.
Let's see what's going on.
And Elvis comes in.
And Nixon looks at him like, uh, this is crazy, man.
You dress really crazy, man.
He's like, hey, you have your get-up, I have mine, okay? Nixon's like, yeah, I'm glad you came by.
I wanted to meet you, and good to see you.
And Elvis does the hard sell thing.
He needs the badge.
Well, I care, man.
I care about what's going on with these people.
And I care about the hippies, and everything that's being said right now, man.
It's terrifying.
People that are saying things about you and, uh, the people that are saying things about me.
And that's why I'm happy to be here man.
But I need this badge.
This is so big for me.
I need it.
And Nixon really takes it in, kinda asks his Aide.
He's like, can we do this? And the Aide comes back, says, I'm sorry, it's done.
We cannot give this badge.
Sorry, Mr.
Presley, we cannot You have no qualifications in our mind to have this badge.
Mm.
Sorry, brother.
I'm lovin' it.
And Nixon decides to give him this badge.
So Elvis goes back to get photos taken, but then Elvis is a licensed and registered federal narcotics agent.
So Elvis had police lights, would pull people over.
You have any idea how fast You were going? Another time, he saw this crazy lunatic guy.
The guy was allowed inside.
And everyone's like, why is this crazy person being allowed inside? This is He's like, no, no! He's all right, man.
He's okay.
He's part of this team.
We're gonna work with him, man.
He's funny.
And then Elvis liked him, loved him, and then got tired of him.
So he said he had to go home.
Elvis was gonna pay for his flight home.
Come back, some jewelry's missing.
So they figured out this guy had stolen some jewelry.
Elvis freaks out.
He's gonna regret the day he stole that jewelry, man.
He He messed with the wrong guy.
The guy was about to take off, and then he sees Elvis running next to it in a jumpsuit, holding a real federal narcotics badge.
So the plane stops, they pull the guy out.
Elvis pulled the plane over to pull this guy off and interrogate him of which Elvis had a couple random questions.
Where'd you get the jewelry, man? And he just cried and said, I got the jewelry here.
I'm so sorry.
You shouldn't have taken that, but you're car All right.
So we're good, man.
Gives him like 200 bucks, and then buys him another ticket out.
And you know, everything's just a little bit safer in that part of Memphis.
Do you feel it? Hey! Do you feel it? Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Okay, Bye.