Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Wild West

0 [Patriotic music] - Teddy Roosevelt rides up to the front lines and he says, I'm going up this hill.
Let's go right here.
- Billy the Kid is the most legendary outlaw that there is.
Pew, pew, pew.
Whoooa! - Crockett, Travis, and Bowie take the Alamo for themselves.
General Santa Anna says, surrender now or you will be killed.
[Scoffs] Bullshit.
[country guitar music] - Well, real cowboys came about at the end of the Civil War the cattle drive cowboys, the one the legend came from.
And everybody thinks that a cowboy carried one of these or maybe two of these.
- They carried multiple guns.
- They would do this, right? - Well, I wouldn't do that.
- The truth is, only five times in all of history did two idiots face each other in the street, and when they were in the street, they were drunk.
- You know, we're working people and we have a good time, and that's what a real cowboy is.
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about my favorite President, Teddy Roosevelt.
Okay.
[Chuckles] In the late 1890s, President McKinley has declared war on Spain.
Teddy Roosevelt is the assistant secretary of the Navy.
The Secretary of War is a guy named Alger.
Teddy says, Alger, I wanna go to war.
I think this is what I need to feel like a man.
And Alger laughed and he said, okay, man, if you really want this, I'll make you Lieutenant Colonel of the first U.
S.
Volunteer Cavalry Regiment.
Teddy Roosevelt says, there's no one in the world who's better suited to being a cavalry officer than a cowboy.
He's got a big ol' dick.
I spilled this all over my shirt.
Teddy Roosevelt went to Texas, Oklahoma, the Indian territories, and New Mexico.
Teddy Roosevelt says to a bunch of cowboys, guys, what's up? I need your help.
Spain sucks.
The U.
S.
Needs to go to war with Spain.
Let's do this.
The cowboys say, yeah, we're 100% game.
We know how to ride horses.
The Indians say, you guys are probably gonna need trackers.
We're cool.
Like, some of the Apaches aren't cool with you guys, but we're cool with you guys.
In addition to the cowboys and Indians, Teddy Roosevelt calls up his old lvy League buddies and he says, guys, I'm going to war with Spain.
I know you guys are not only super smart 'cause you got into lvy League schools, but you're also super tough because you play sports.
So, why don't you join my regiment? So Teddy Roosevelt creates this army of 1,000 lvy League athletes, cowboys, and Indians the Rough Riders.
[Menacing music] Let's go right here.
- Okay, wherever you're comfortable.
- Yeah.
[Guitar twangs] Okay.
Are we good? Now, Teddy Roosevelt and his 1,000 Rough Riders go to Cuba.
The transport ship isn't big enough.
Every other guy had to leave his horse behind.
So these guys land in Cuba, and they get ambushed.
They're in a valley between two hills where the Spanish have the upper hand.
They're sitting ducks.
Teddy Roosevelt's men start taking fire.
He loses over 200 of his men in this 20 minutes.
Teddy Roosevelt rides up to the second-in-command of the regular army, and he says, we're getting our asses kicked right now.
The only way we're gonna survive is if we charge up this hill.
And the second-in-command of the regular army says, the Colonel isn't here to make that call.
I can't let you do that.
And Teddy Roosevelt says, I am a colonel.
It's my call now.
He rides, unafraid of bullets, to the front lines.
Here, Teddy Roosevelt is here.
His history and his people are standing behind him.
He says, I'm gonna go.
I'm going up this hill.
And I'm gonna and I'm gonna defeat these Spanish forces.
Follow me.
And if you turn around, I will shoot you.
So Teddy Roosevelt led this charge and all of the people followed Teddy Roosevelt up the hill.
They beat back the Spanish forces.
And the Spanish forces retreated, but Teddy Roosevelt kept charging, and within two weeks, Spain surrendered.
When he was 11 years old, Teddy Roosevelt said, if I'm gonna be anything, the thing that I'm gonna be is a badass.
And that day, he fulfilled that promise to his young self, and he became a fuckin' rock star.
[Triumphant music] - Mark? Mark? - Uh-huh? I'm ready, baby.
[Patriotic music] - Billy comes in with a knife.
No one knows who anyone is.
Billy says [clears throat] Qulen es? Which means, "who is it? Who is it?" - Paula, what what's your name? I know it's Paula, but is there a - It's Pistol Packin' Paula.
Both: Pistol Packin' Paula.
- So, this is gun twirling is a it's a fun art to do.
It impresses a lot of people.
Yee-haw.
[Gunshot] - Can you show me any, like, moves, or is too risky? - Yeah, I can.
- Is there a technique you start it down, or - You can either way.
I mean, I usually just but don't drop it.
You know, that's a $1,000 gun right there.
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about the legend of Billy the Kid.
Do you want me to do another one? - No.
- Hello - No.
No, we're good.
- Oh, all right.
- We're good.
- He was born William McCarty, known as Billy the Kid.
As an adolescent, he stole cheese, and then he got arrested.
And he escaped out of an outhouse.
That's when he felt like he was an outlaw.
You know, these these ranch owners and these land owners and these sheriffs were taking water and land and money from the Indians, the Mexicans.
And Billy the Kid is the kind of guy that would be like, fuck you.
You're not gonna do that.
I'm gonna shoot you and kill your people boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And your sheriffs, maybe.
Pew, pew, pew.
He was loved by the Hispanic community, and he apparently had a lot of Latina women that loved him.
But, uh [laughs] - Did he date any? - Oh, a lot of 'em.
He loved Latina women.
There was these stories where he killed these people, like, uh, Joe Grant, who was the local drunk, apparently, at this bar.
And Billy the Kid was sitting there and he didn't recognize him.
He said, if I ever met Billy the Kid, I would kill him in cold blood.
I'd murder him.
And he was like, okay.
And so Billy the Kid, he said, man, I love your ivory handle.
And he turned it to where there was one blank on that revolver.
And he said, hey, Joe Grant, I'm Billy the Kid.
[Ominous music] Oh, really? And he walked out.
And you hear [click] And then Billy the Kid turned around and shot that dude in the chin.
[Chuckles] In the chin.
I mean, well, you're an asshole.
Boom, boom, boom.
[Playing piano] And what's crazy about Billy the Kid, he could sing in a way that no one else could sing.
[Singing poorly] Let's try that.
[Gibberish] [Laughs] [Mumbling] Hey, bitch! [Laughs] I'm, like, a bitch! No, you're not.
[Laughs] Pat Garrett was the sheriff and said, my my one goal is to get I'm gonna get Billy the Kid.
He hunted down Billy the Kid.
So they found him in a farmhouse, and they had the whole place surrounded.
One guy came out and he decided to go feed the horse, and they shot him down and thought that it was Billy the Kid.
And they were like, we got Billy the Kid, we got him.
And then they realized that it wasn't him.
So then they realized it wasn't him.
And Pat Garrett said, well, shoot the horse down.
Shoot the horse down.
There's no windows.
There's no exit.
And so they shot the horse down.
And they put the horse, the dead horse, in front of the exit.
And they put him in front of the exit and no one else could get out.
- Can I get a pee out here? Is this bad? - What? - Me peeing? - Not at all.
It's your place.
- I'm peeing.
Okay, so I'm peeing.
Well, giddyup.
Billy the Kid, they found him in a farmhouse and they surrounded him, and they started cooking breakfast.
And they said, hey, Billy, hey.
Come have breakfast with us.
And Billy said, you know what? He's fucking us, so no, we're not gonna do that.
And they were like, okay.
So they kept cooking breakfast.
And there was breakfast for a long time.
And then Billy came out and said, you know what? There's no way there's nowhere else out.
So we're gonna keep cooking breakfast.
And Billy came out and said, you know, there's no way else out.
So they all had breakfast together and Billy got arrested.
Well, Billy the Kid shoots both of the prison guards and escapes from jail.
He said, go to hell, bitches.
Go to hell.
Well, go to hell.
Three months later, Pat Garrett finds one of his accomplices and they go to his house.
And Billy comes in at midnight with a knife.
No one knows who anyone is.
And Billy says [clears throat] Qulen es? Which means, "who is it? Who is it?" Qulen es? Who is it? Who is it? And Pat Garrett recognizes Billy's voice 'cause they knew each other from back in the day, and he shoots him three times.
Shoots him twice in the chest and then he misses once.
It hits the you know, above the fireplace.
And he was like, help me.
Help.
Pat Garrett shot Billy the Kid.
I-I wanna say something about Billy.
This is what Billy was.
This is what Billy was.
[Playing guitar poorly] Billy the Kid He was an outlaw And he shot Joe Grant Well, he shot him in the jaw Well, Billy's in a farmhouse But they killed the horse instead Because they thought he was the one Billy the Kid Was shot in the dark [laughs] It's so dramatic And that's Billy the fucking Kid.
I don't know.
- All right, let's give it up, man.
That was fucking awesome.
[Applause] - There you go, Billy the Kid.
- Hold your hand out.
Why are you shaking? - 'Cause I'm about to shoot a gun.
- Nothing bad will happen here.
- Nothing.
What could possibly go wrong? - Well - Yeah.
- Come on.
- [Laughs] [Automatic gunfire] Okay.
[Gunshot] Aah - So, if I'm being attacked by, what, rabid wolves so it's simply a matter of [rapid gunfire] Wanna try it? - Now I'm scared of you.
[Gunshot] Ooh, yeah.
- Ahh.
All right, it's time to go to the big boy.
[Chamber sliding] - Oh, my god.
- When you pull the trigger, it's a semiautomatic.
- [Laughs] - Boom boom.
[Gunshot] Aah! [Slow motion] Aah! [Chuckles] - Let's go shoot some shotguns.
- All right.
[Chuckles] - Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas.
enter William Travis.
Dodged out on a bunch of business debts, he abandoned his wife and child and headed towards Texas with his slave, Joe.
Jim Bowie, he forged these documents that he owned all these grants in the United States territory.
Jim Bowie's like, yeah, they're onto me here.
I better get to Texas, where they're probably not as smart, and I'll start doing the same shenanigans down there.
Congressman Davy Crockett, everybody loves this guy.
The saying goes, "he could kill a grizzly bear with his smile.
" Well, as it happens, he doesn't get elected for a second term.
And he says, you can go to hell.
I'll go to Texas.
Crockett, Travis, and Bowie head to Texas to take land.
Mexico owns the territory of Texas, and the long-story-short is these guys expel a Mexican Army garrison and they take a mission for themselves.
And that mission is the Alamo.
And they hole up in the Alamo.
Bowie says, don't worry.
There's no way the Mexican Army's coming until spring, because the winter's too harsh on these high Mexican deserts.
But they do come.
Santa Anna and his soldiers arrive in San Antonio.
They're on his land.
And he says to the Alamo defenders, surrender now or you will be killed.
[Scoffs] Bullshit.
Let's fire a cannon shot at Santa Anna and let him know we know business.
And fires a cannon.
And this pisses off Santa Anna.
- I'm not a fella who takes who goes in for hard alcohol all the time, but the fact that [hiccups] This scotch smells like a campfire, I love.
- You like campfires? - Yeah.
On February 26, 1836, Santa Anna begins the offensive.
He fires cannon volley after cannon volley, beating down the wall of the Alamo.
This goes on from February 26, 1836, to March 5th.
They're tired.
William Travis, in one of his last letters said, I keep asking for reinforcements and nobody's giving me anything.
They send, like, 30 Tejanos, but I'm screwed.
Could you help me out a little bit? Mm, nope.
And then finally, in the early morning of March "thix," General Santa Anna says, I will take my breakfast inside of the walls of the Alamo.
And prematurely, one of the soldiers yells, vlva la Santa Anna! And that alerts all of the defenders in the Alamo that the attack is coming.
William Travis rallies the troops.
The Mexicans are 1,800 strong against made up of Europeans, Jews, two slaves, women and children, and Mexicans who just want to fight for their land.
There's no way that they can win this.
[Dramatic music] Colonel William Travis, he runs to the front wall, and is immediately shot and killed in the very first stages of the attack on the Alamo.
And his slave Joe is like, well, everybody here is fighting for a bit of land.
I'm not gonna get any land, clearly, so I'm gonna, hmm, not fight.
And he took off.
And myth has it that Jim Bowie fought to the death.
He must have taken out with his big knife.
The reality is, he had come down with a case of tuberculosis, and Jim Bowie was shot on his deathbed.
Mexican soldiers breached the wall of the Alamo, and the Alamo defenders realize they have to retreat to the long barracks.
So the Mexicans enter the barracks and do away with all of the Alamo defenders in the barracks.
And General Santa Anna takes his breakfast inside the walls of the Alamo.
And Davy Crockett is captured.
[Dramatic music] Davy Crockett, great American [stammers] Mythological leven legend is executed that morning.
Because of this, "remember the Alamo" is used as a rally rallying cry and Texas becomes a state.
And the thing that we can take from it academically, historically how does Davy Crockett like his pie? - How? - "A la mode.
" - I gotta go.
- Yeah, me too.
[Patriotic music] [laughter]