Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Charleston

South Carolina, [Bleep] you, you love slalvery.
Preston Brooks is like, this dude is [Bleep] slandering my state.
No we still have work to do here, you know.
[Bleep] you.
I'm getting like, uh, drunk now.
So Robert Smalls is piloting the ship past Confederate troops.
I will bring all of us to freedom.
Um, what are we talking about now? And we're just we're proud of where we're from, you know.
When you go anywhere else and somebody be like, where you from? I'm from Charleston, South Carolina, man.
You know what I mean? So Charleston is a palpable palpable energy here in the city.
Charleston is a city has been destroyed by every creation known to mankind outside of a volcano.
And yet, still thrives under the idea that if it's that bad, have a drink.
This bottle's finished, so we are gonna go to another bottle.
Cling! Do you guys rather this be hello, today we're going to talk about Charles Sumner, hello, we're going to talk about the caning of Charles Sumner or hello, today we're going to talk about Charles Sumner and Preston Brooks? I think Charles Sumner.
Today, we're going to talk about the caning of Charles Sumner.
In the middle of the 1800s, Kansas is up for whether or not it's going to be a slave state or a free state.
Charles Sumner is a senator, an anti-slavery radical.
And Charles Sumner gives a speech entitled "The crime against Kansas.
" He basically says, Kansas is being raped by the perpetuators of slavery who want it to be a slave state.
Then he starts making personal attacks.
He says, oh, Andrew Butler, from South Carolina, who normally sits next to me, but uh-oh, you had a stroke.
You are not here.
Guess what? You are a [Bleep] pimp for the prostitute of slavery.
Oh, you know who's in the chamber that day? Preston Brooks, representative, South Carolina.
Andrew Butler's second cousin.
He's like, this dude is [Bleep] slandering my state.
He's slandering my family.
And he says, uhhh.
And the southern code of honor.
I can't let this [Bleep] just [Bleep] transpire.
What am I going to do? I can't challenge him to a duel because only gentlemen duel, and Charles Sumner's is no gentleman.
Oh, [Bleep].
I was just given a brand-new with a gold head.
I'll beat him with that.
May 22, 1856.
He walks down the aisle of the Senate.
He's five [Bleep] feet from Charles Sumner and he looks up and he realizes there's a lady in the chamber.
He's like, oh, [Bleep].
I can't beat Charles Sumner in front of a lady and he sits across the aisle.
He leaves.
He's like, no, I'm not doing this thing.
And then everyone's just like, you got to do the thing, and he walks back in.
[Bleep] Charles Sumner, he's near-sighted.
He's like, oh, that's all blurry and [Bleep].
[Bleep] Preston Brooks is like, I read your speech twice, and guess what? It's a [Bleep] libel against South Carolina and it's a libel against Andrew Butler.
And guess what? He's a [Bleep] cousin of mine.
And whack! Beats him so hard on the [Bleep] top of the head that he goes blind.
Laurence Keitt comes in.
Let them be, he said.
All told, Brooks beat Sumner over the head Charles Sumner is bloodied, beaten, but he doesn't die.
The north is like, what the [Bleep]? The south is like, yeah! That's how we does! Preston Brooks is an immediate celebrity.
Charleston merchants buy him a cane inscribed with the words, hit him again! And he's like, I was defending my state.
Eat a [Bleep].
Which dick? This dick.
Y'all [Bleep] worry about this water spilling on the drum.
About 1858, Sumner's still so [Bleep] up he can't walk.
He meets Dr.
He lights fire cotton on his back.
He's like, oh pain moves around your body.
Bada-boop, bada-beep.
Guess what? I don't know anything.
And every time, Charles Sumner is like, Every bit of anguish, every bit of pain that I feel, I will return to the perpetuators of slavery And in 1860, he finally gets to give a speech on the floor of the Senate after he returns, called "The barbarism of slavery" in which he says, say they own the sun.
Say they own the moon.
Say they own the stars.
But don't say they own a man, because when the [Bleep] sun and moon and stars have died, a man's soul will live on forever.
The moral of the story is you should fight for what you believe in.
And if what you believe in is that human beings are human beings, then you should fight to your death to defend that because slavery's bull[Bleep].
First thing he did was he integrated his court room.
Everybody sits together.
Black person there, white person there.
- I feel like [Bleep].
- Yeah, I know.
Like I want to throw up.
They're not going to recognize me in this outfit.
You want me to What is an oyster? You're looking at it.
How about this one, Goat? No good.
No, that ain't no good.
That ain't nothing.
That's for the birds.
And the bees.
Think I'm stuck.
How about this one, Goat? What? No good.
Nothing says Charleston more than this.
- You're right.
- Oystering, moonshine.
Hi-ho silver.
I want to cheers to courage.
Let's have courage.
That was courage.
Yeah, it hurt a little bit.
Today we're going to talk about Waties Waring.
Waties Waring was an 8th generation Charleston guy.
He was a judge.
This was this guy's life.
I'm in Charleston.
I love it.
I make money.
I have my beautiful wife.
We're rich people.
Look at all our rich friends.
But he lived in this place where segregation was the way that it was.
I mean, we're fine with each other but black people go over there, right? That makes sense.
He and his wife started playing bridge with this couple, the Hoffman's.
Elizabeth Hoffman.
She was from Detroit, she was incredibly smart, and she was the life of the party.
He's never known a woman like this before in his entire life.
And he's like, what are you about? There's this thing that starts happening where they're just flirting between bridge hands.
Like, Elizabeth, it's your hand.
You know what I mean? Oh, Waties.
You're so funny.
He realized he was in love with Elizabeth and he he confronted his wife, and he and he was like, hey, remember Elizabeth? I'm sleeping with Elizabeth.
Sorry, I'm getting like, uh, drunk now.
So he married Elizabeth and they were ostracized from Charleston society.
You're not Charleston anymore.
You're a Yankee.
You're an ass[Bleep].
No one likes you.
And all they have left is each other.
And so Elizabeth starts going to Waties court cases.
She starts going oh [Bleep].
Maybe all these cases where the white people won, some of the black people got screwed over, you know? And Waties was like, yeah, but that's the way it's al it always has been.
And then she was like, yeah, but but black people are people though.
And he was like, yeah, black people are people, but like, in, like, a different way.
And she said, that's gross.
We're going to get dinner with some black people.
And he said, white people don't get dinner with black people.
And she was like, no, but we do.
We're those kind of white people.
And he was like, all right, I love you, but I'm telling you right now, it's really not normal for white dinner white people to get dinner with black people.
I feel like [Bleep].
- Yeah, I know.
- Like I want to throw up.
If you want to go throw up, you can.
We're very open-minded here.
Do you want to just get some fresh air? Take a little walk? Just a little bit and then we'll walk back up.
Does that sound good? So she made her husband get dinner with a black couple and it was awkward as hell.
It's like, hey, what'd you do today? And they were like, I don't know.
Several people threatened my life.
And they were like, oh that's interesting.
But then Elizabeth made Waties keep doing it.
After the second time, the third time, it became more regular.
And it was like, oh right.
We're all people you know? He started to understand that black people were incredibly subjugated.
Maybe we need to do something about this segregation thing, you know.
This is a really good area.
I moved here because the last place I lived, my friend got stabbed while he was getting a hand job.
- No.
- Yeah, that happened.
Did he [Bleep]? I don't know.
I didn't ask.
First thing he did was he integrated his courtroom.
And he was like, no, no, no.
Everybody sits together.
Black person there, white person there.
Then black person there, then white person there.
Be friends.
Quit being ass[Bleep].
Just be friends.
Then he ruled that black teachers have to be paid the same as white teachers, which is, uh crazy.
The next really big one, he ruled black people are now allowed to vote in primaries.
And that just, like, set Charleston on fire.
Someone threw a brick through their window one night.
The KKK burned a cross on their lawn.
It got so bad, there was a petition that 21,000 people signed that said hey, Warings, here's $10,000.
Take this and move anywhere.
They're like, no we still have work to do here, you know.
[Bleep] you.
And then Briggs v.
Elliot happened.
Thurgood Marshall trying to prove black kids are not getting the same education as white kids.
And there were three judges.
One of them was Waties Waring and the other two were like, yeah, segregation is great, everything about this is amazing, so who cares if they're equal? So they lost and schools were not integrated in the south.
Waties is like well, I'm not going down without a fight.
And he writes this 20-page dissent.
Basically what he said was, everyone in Charleston is an ass[Bleep].
You cannot be okay with the fact that black people are separate from white people.
This is a nice town.
I grew up here my entire life.
Why do we punish half our citizens? Stop punishing them.
Just be nice.
#benice, you know? And then that was it.
And they moved to New York.
Man, can I just tell you guys how happy I am to not be as throw-uppy as I was, like, 45 minutes ago? That [Bleep] sucked so bad.
It wasn't until 1954 he seriously changed all of history.
When the Supreme Court made their decision in a case called Brown v.
Board of Education.
They were like, dude, because one lonely judge in Charleston, South Carolina, says that black kids are not getting the same education as white kids.
And he's proving it.
The entire country should be integrated.
They based their entire decision on the fact that Waties said segregation sucks.
That dude ate it for years because he believed that black people were the same as white people, and that he was in love with his wife.
And I think that's really incredible.
You seem a million times better than you did.
Yeah, well I threw up in the [Bleep] toilet.
So that makes sense.
I literally just drooled on the floor.
I mean, the judge lives sort of a solitary life.
I know.
I used to be one.
But because of Waties, what happened? - Our country changed.
- Yes.
- Changed for the better.
- Right.
And he was a starter.
Waties is started thinking differently.
He started thinking differently.
What in the world is what is this, Goat? Is this a clam? Is that a clam? _ _ _ I'm not doing scotch tonight.
I've done scotch for every Drunk History that I've done so far.
I'm not doing scotch.
I switched.
I'm doing jager bombs.
I'm gonna stay alert.
I'm Mark Gagliardi, and today we're going to talk about Robert Smalls.
When Robert Smalls was 12 years old, his father, Henry McKee, the plantation owner, was like, listen, my son, that I'm not allowed to tell anybody is my son but really, you're my son.
You are specialer than the other slaves.
But you keep getting in trouble.
We think that the best thing for you right now is if we send you to Charleston.
And Robert Smalls is like, oh, I'm sorry.
You're my [Bleep] slave owner and you're going to send me to Charleston where I can learn an actual business trade? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.
And he spent seven years being a crewman onboard all of these different vessels that traveled around these Charleston waterways, including the Confederate ship, The Planter.
At this point, the civil war has broken out.
The officers turned to Robert Smalls and they were like, listen man.
Don't tell anyone we're going to go onshore.
Keep an eye on the ship while we're gone.
And Robert Smalls is like, sure man, I [Bleep] got this.
You don't have to worry about me.
And Robert Smalls thought to himself, these guys just went to go get some hookers.
These two other guys, who aren't the guys getting hookers, also went to get hookers.
I basically have this ship to myself.
He says, hey man.
This is the perfect opportunity for us to steal this ship and get over to the Union side.
Here's what I want you to do.
Go get my family and go round up the families of the other two seamen on this vessel.
And I will bring all of us to freedom.
- Mark.
- What? Remember at the beginning of this you said you were not going to I promised you I was not going to lay on my stomach tonight.
And what happened? Probably this.
I'm fighting.
Here I come.
- Cue eye of the tiger.
- All right.
I only do this in honor of Robert Smalls.
God damn it, what are we talking about? Once Robert Smalls had taken control of the ship, Smalls thought to himself, I'm still going to have to make it past five Confederate forts.
Luckily, I look enough like the captain when I wear the hat and this jacket.
And I have the Confederate code book, which means I know what signals to throw that will get us through the harbor.
So Robert Smalls is piloting the ship past Confederate troops.
So he got to the first one and was like, toot-toot-toot.
And they thought there's a white guy trying to pass through.
Let's just wave at him.
And he made it through.
So he made it through five Confederate signals all the way through to the gates of Fort Sumter.
Not only did the guys at Fort Sumter say, all right, let's let The Planter through, the guard at fort Sumter said, hey, you go kill yourselves a couple of Yankees.
And it was only at dawn that the Confederates realize, hey, maybe this isn't quite on the level.
And they start lobbing cannon fire and as he is barreling toward Union forces, he thinks, oh my God.
I've got to do something to make sure that these Union forces don't think I am coming to confront them.
Are we gonna do this thing from the floor man, really? I want you to be comfortable, so we'll do it wherever.
I'll do it from the floor.
As he is barreling toward these Union forces, Smalls turns to his wife and says, I told you to bring a bed sheet.
Did you bring a bed sheet? She's like, honey, I brought us a bread sheet.
Hey Mark, let's just have some water.
Just take a quick break and just drink some water.
Are we getting in a fight? - Not at all.
- Why what? You're okay.
What do you want to know, baby? The next part.
He hoisted the sheet as a white flag of surrender.
He pulls up to the U.
Onward and says, hey man, I hung I hear Uncle Abe could use a transport ship.
This was a big deal.
And Lincoln's like, all right man.
That's great.
Here's $1,500.
Hey, here's a quick question.
Do you think that you could get some [Bleep] Union guys like some some some celebri some celebrities? Wha what's the word I'm looking for? Some celebrateds.
What's the word I'm looking for? Some, um Mark.
Hold on.
Not celebrities.
Some soldiers.
He was the first to enlist 5,000 blacks in the Union army.
So the end of the American civil war.
Civil war And he had just enough money.
What? Not only did Robert Smalls steal a boat and [Bleep] get his freedom.
Not only did he serve five terms as a U.
After the war, Robert Smalls went into South Carolina and said, hey, see that house over there? That's the house I want to buy.
Which house? That one.
I'm going to buy the McKee house.
The last time that he was in that house, he was owned by another person.
This time, mother[Bleep] owned the house.
Robert Smalls.
Yeah, man.
- Do you like him? - I love him.