Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Spies

_ Harriet Tubman was like, this is about to be, like, a real stealth operation.
You [bleep]s have never seen no [bleep] like this before.
Why would you wait till I'm at my drunkest to do this? - Virginia Hall had a wooden leg.
- Ow.
But she's blowing up bridges, and the head of the Gestapo is like, that bitch.
But he was a bad guy, so he used terrible language.
Roald Dahl was a fighter pilot who crash-landed, and he was a [bleep] spy.
Literally a [bleep] spy.
3x04 - "Spies" Well, a spy during war is gonna go behind enemy lines, and they're going to try to Oh, wait.
I'm drunk.
I can't use big words.
For a spy, I would need maybe an Austin Martin, I mean or an Aston Martin, for the chicks.
Who was Harriet Tubman? I love Harriet Tubman.
Underground Railroad.
Freed millions well, maybe not millions.
I don't know the exact amount.
But freed a number of slaves.
She was like the James Bond of Georgia.
Wait.
Give me that song again.
- Which one? - Bitch called me about a week ago.
First of all, how do you not know this song? I can't hear.
Bitch, caught a body 'bout a week ago [bleep] with us and then we tweakin', ho Tweakin, ho - # Bitch called me 'bout a week ago # - No.
It's He's saying, "Bitch, I caught a body 'bout a week ago," meaning, "I killed somebody about a week ago.
" Oh, now, that's where I draw the line.
Hi, my name is Crissle, and today we're gonna talk about the Civil War spy Harriet Tubman.
So Harriet Tubman does not get her just due.
Like, you hear her name, and you think, she led the slaves to freedom.
But you most certainly do not know that she was a spy for the Union.
So the thing was, when the Civil War started, Harriet Tubman was like, wait a minute.
I can do way more.
So she went down there to Port Royal, which is in South Carolina, and the Union had, like, taken it over.
But it was still com It was still, like like, not smothered and covered.
That's [bleep] like biscuits.
It was it was surrounded by Confederacy, like, places and [bleep].
And at first, she's just like a regular-ass person.
She was a nurse.
And that's when she was like, I know can do better than this.
Like, I know can free way more slaves than what you guys are doing right now.
And that's when she went to the colonel and was like, I could totally be a spy for you.
I have connects, and, like, when I dress up and [bleep], those people have no idea who I am.
And the colonel was like Excuse me.
I got, like, a good before the liquor takes over, and God only knows what I'll say.
That's great.
And so then the colonel was like, yeah, obviously my white ass can't go down there.
Absolutely, you can be a spy.
You down there, do what the [bleep] you do.
So she's like, okay, let me put on my field hand clothes.
And she was, like, five feet tall, so it was very easy for her to, like, blend into the background.
And she is able to, like, go to the plantations, and she was like, hey, guys, like, not to stir up any [bleep] or whatever, but, like, I know y'all are tired of being slaves.
I was totally tired of being a slave.
And none of us have to be slaves anymore, so, like, whoever's down to help the Union, just let me know.
So everybody was like, cool.
And then she would go out she had these friends who were mariners, which are basically just, like, people who work in the water like, with water [bleep].
And she's like, I know there are mines out here, so let's work together and find out where this [bleep] is, because I'm a spy, and I'm gonna get this [bleep].
Like, I'm gonna burn this [bleep] down.
And so then she went back to the colonel, and she was like, I have this idea to burn up all the plantations.
Here's all my research, and you should just let me do it.
And the colonel was like, well, [bleep] it.
Like, I don't have [bleep] to lose.
Like, let's work together and burn that [bleep] down.
And so they got together, and she was like, listen, this is about to be like, I'm not even about to [bleep] you.
This is about to be some [bleep].
Like, this is about to be, like, a real stealth operation.
You [bleep]s have never seen no [bleep] like this before.
Like, I got some dope-ass [bleep] planned out.
But I need y'all to all be down and just do what the [bleep] I say.
I got this [bleep].
And June 1, 1863 yes.
On 1863, they begin this raid.
So Harriet Tubman is, like, on the Combahee River and [bleep].
She was like, I'm down for this [bleep].
Like, I'm ready.
And so when the raid started, like, she knew where the mines and [bleep] were in the water.
She and her team of mariners it would have been like, aw, [bleep] that, aw, [bleep] that.
Like, we're not gonna get caught by your stupid-ass traps, you [bleep] slave owners.
And then the owners of the plantation these crazy-ass racist white people would see all these black people coming, and they'd be like, what the [bleep] is this? What the What the this mic moved.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah.
- Is it still I'm sorry.
I'm focused.
And they were like, hey, hey, racist-ass white person.
Here's another racist-ass white person here to warn you that, you know, Harriet Tubman is coming with her army full of bad bitches.
And so then they would start shooting and [bleep].
But by then, Harriet Tubman was like, bitch, you're too late.
Like, me and my people are already here.
And guns back then was [bleep], like, just basic as [bleep].
Them guns wasn't doing [bleep].
So they would take their torches and [bleep] and be like, yah! And go there and go in and just [bleep] burn these plantations down and then dip.
And then they would go again.
Like, this raid, it was 25 miles along the Combahee River.
And they're just, like, burning [bleep] down, freeing slaves, getting on the boat, traveling again, avoiding the mines.
And so at the end of the day night end of the raid, Harriet Tubman was like, goddamn, I freed 750 slaves.
Like, this [bleep] is dope as hell.
And her plan it was the first military operation that was executed and led by an American woman.
And it was planned by a former slave who could not read or write, who was only five feet tall, who was both black and a woman.
And she still pulled this [bleep] off.
She helped the Union win the war.
She freed, like, at least She was just dope as hell.
God, black people have been through so much [bleep].
Black people have been through so much.
I-I don't know how to respond to that.
Except I agree.
I'm sorry.
Tell me your Australian accent? I can't do accents.
Can you say "fair crack of the whip, mate"? And is that saying, like, good job? - No, it's like, give me a fair go.
- Okay.
- Fair crip Fair grip.
- Crack.
- Fair crack of the whip, mate.
- It's not terrible.
Fair crack of the whip, mate.
Believable? Where does our story take place? It takes place all over the place.
But the story starts in Baltimore.
- Are you from Baltimore? - Bal'more.
Bal'more.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Hello, I'm Claudia O'Doherty, and today we are gonna be talking about Virginia Hall, who was a very good spy.
So in 1906, in Baltimore, Virginia Hall was born.
And she's like, I love Europe.
Maybe I should get a job for the Foreign Service.
I'm very qualified for that kind of thing 'cause I'm so smart and good at languages.
And then she takes the entrance exam for the Foreign Service, but she fails because it's a very hard exam.
She was very sad.
When she got the results, she was like, oh, man.
But she said, you know what? I need to blow off some steam.
And then she decided to go to Europe.
And she's having a good time.
When she was in Turkey in hey, friends, let's go on a hunting trip.
And they're just having a very good time shooting all the animals.
And then she's like, I'll just climb over this wall or a fence.
I'll just climb over this fence.
And she's climbing over, her legs get caught, and she shot her left foot off.
Ow.
- Ahh.
- Mm-hmm.
And she gets fitted with a custom prosthetic leg.
And she called her leg Cuthbert.
- Cuff bit? - Cuthbert.
- Cuthbert.
- That's what she calls it.
And then what happens? World War II.
And she's like, hmm, huh, not cool.
But anyway, I know what I'll do.
I'll sign up to be an ambulance driver for the ambulance corps.
That's a very dangerous job in Paris in 1939, and she is like, I don't even care.
So then she goes to London.
She goes to a dinner party, and the dinner party's in a bomb shelter during an air raid.
So she's having a good time at the dinner party, and she meets this woman named Vera Atkins, who is like, ooh, this woman could be of use to us.
So she says to Virginia, by the way, I work for SOE: Secret Operations Executive.
It's a British spy gang.
And she brings in this big, handsome French guy, and he says, would you like to be a spy for us? And Virginia is like, yes, that would be incredible.
So she goes back to France, and she assumes a new identity.
And she's just, like, a really nice journalist.
But actually, she's organizing the French Resistance.
So she's supplying weapons, supplying money, organizing guys.
She's also organizing escapes from prison camps.
She is just causing such trouble for the Germans.
And they're hearing rumors about this woman who was organizing the French Resistance.
And they didn't know who she was, but they knew that she had a limp, which was embarrassing for Virginia, 'cause she didn't think she did have a limp, so that's a very sad part of the story, right? And the head of the Gestapo is Klaus Barbie, who's also known as the Butcher of Lyon.
And he's like, what I wouldn't give to get my hands on - the neck of that bitch.
- You said "bitch.
" Yeah, but he was a bad guy, so he used terrible language.
So everybody's looking for her now.
There are "Wanted" posters with her likeness on them.
They're like, look out for this limping lady.
And she's like, excuse me, I don't even limp.
But she probably anyway.
So she's like, how am I gonna get out? I can't go through any of the checkpoints.
So because she's got no other option, she hikes over the snowy Pyrenees Mountains with one leg, and she gets out of there.
But then who's entered the war? The Americans.
And they're like, we're looking for spies, and she's like, hello, I'm a very good spy.
And they're like, great, but you're gonna need a really good disguise.
And so she dyed her hair gray, put on two skirts and two sweaters, and she had her fillings changed so she had French fillings rather than American fillings.
- She looks like Mrs.
Doubtfire.
- Exactly.
And also, she shuffled so she didn't have a limp anymore.
So then she goes back into France, and she's just delivering cheese everywhere.
But actually, she is wreaking havoc.
She's blowing up bridges, blowing up train lines, cutting telephone lines, but it's very dangerous.
The whole time, the Germans are looking for her.
- And then the war ended.
- That's kind of good.
So that was good.
So then Truman is like, I'm gonna give you a medal.
And it is called the Distinguished Services Cross.
So she gets the award, and she goes, you know what I'd like to do now? I'd like to finally join the Foreign Service like I've always wanted.
And they're like, budgetary cutbacks.
You can't be in the Foreign Service.
But we've got this new organization.
Would you mind joining that? And that turned out to be the CIA.
And so she's the first woman to ever be recognized as a member of the CIA's career staff.
So Virginia Hall was a true legend, and she didn't let anybody tell her what she could and couldn't do.
Not bad for a girl from Bal'more.
Stay tuned for more "Drunk History: Spies.
" Here's Roald [bleep] Dahl.
Ladies were just going nuts for him.
So they [bleep] a lot, and he got so much information through so much of his dick.
So what I was thinking is, I want to spy on this bar so no one's gonna know who I am.
- All right.
Let's do this.
- Let's do it.
[bleep] "Drunk History.
" Where are you from? Originally from Tennessee.
Have you ever seen this program? Is it Is it funny? Doesn't sound I've seen, like On, like, a scale of one to ten, ten being funny I like Jeff Dunham.
You know, with the puppets? That light's real bright.
You just have to put your arm down, though.
That's the only thing.
What makes an amazing spy? In order to be a spy, you have to be silent.
And sometimes people end up trusting you and tell you information that they otherwise wouldn't tell you if you were a spy.
Awesome.
Thank you guys so much.
We get pay? Do we get paid? What do you guys want us to say now? All right.
Holy [bleep].
It's D Money.
This is Mission: Impossible 5: D Money.
" - Lucius.
- Yes.
- Please grab that glass.
- What glass? It's called balance.
Remember this? Whatever.
You can be as drunk as you want.
See? Look.
You think that's gonna go down.
- Grab it.
- It's so not.
No, no, no.
You think "grab it.
" No.
It's making me it's freaking me out.
No.
I know.
Remember this? No.
Why do you keep saying do I remember that? Why the [bleep] would I remember that? Do I remember my hands? Sure.
My name is Lucius Dillon.
Today we're gonna talk about Roald Dahl and his life as a British spy.
World War II, Roald Dahl was a fighter pilot for the RAF, the Royal Air Force.
And he loved fighting them Nazis, and he's like, aww, this is great.
And so he had to go and fly to a base in the desert.
He ran out of gas, hit the ground at 75 miles an hour, cracked his skull.
He had to drag himself out of the plane before the gas tanks exploded.
So he was pretty much was, like, invalided out of the Royal Air Force.
But then a famous author, C.
S.
Forester, wanted to interview him about his crash.
Dahl was like, okay, you know what? My mind's a little spotty.
Let me just write down some notes for you.
Forester's like, okay, send it to me later.
So Dahl sat down to kind of write it, and his mind was kind of muddled because he went through a crash.
But he wrote, like, a really good story, sent it to Forester, and Forester wrote back and was like, okay, look, you were supposed to give me notes, not write a full [bleep] story.
This this is great.
This is amazing.
I'm not changing a word.
I'm sending this straight to "The Saturday Evening Post.
" So that got sent, and it was actually really popular.
He realized, like, okay, I can tear a pretty good yarn, or, I don't know if that's the right term, but I can write a pretty good story.
See? You got to tickle it.
You got to know Just keep going.
He was the talk of the town, and so he was invited to a lot of these parties.
And he met up with a really cool guy called Bill Stephenson.
And Bill Stephenson's like, hey, what's going on with you? And Dahl's just like, I want to help out England.
I didn't bust my nuff I didn't bust my nut enough in England.
And I still didn't do enough.
Stephenson was like, well, I-I there is other stuff you can do.
So Dahl was hired into a dark propaganda section referred to as the BSC, which stands for British Security Council.
And a lot of other people were hired: Noel Coward, who was a famous playwright and actor, and also Ian Fleming, who some people might know as James [bleep] Bond.
And Stephenson was like, let's put you into some good political parties, and meet everyone you [bleep] can and report everything back to us.
He was like, okay.
So here's Roald [bleep] Dahl, tall, handsome [bleep], long-ass face, eloquent-ass tongue.
But every time when he was at the party, like, he'd be eavesdropping on newspaper people, politicians and secretly just, like, scribbling, you know, little things on, like, napkins and reporting it to England.
He would also get into finding information through pillow talk.
So he had a list of ladies that he would go through, like Cissy Patterson had her claws into the "Washington Herald-Times," and she's like, you want to see the boudoir? And he's like, yes please.
So he [bleep] the [bleep] out of her for a while and got whatever information that he could.
Then he went to Evalyn McLean.
She knew every politician in the world, so they [bleep] a lot.
So he met Claire Booth Luce.
She was a congresswoman, and they [bleep].
And he got so much information through so much of his dick.
But after a while, and this is an exact quote, like, he called Ambassador Halifax and was like, look, I am [bleep] out, okay? This goddamn woman has [bleep] me from one end of the room to the other.
I'm done.
I can't do it.
I'm squirting dust.
And the ambassador's like, just close your eyes and think of England.
And Dahl's like, great, okay.
I guess I will.
- Get your chin off my neck.
- I'm just no, it's No, that wasn't my chin wasn't on you at all.
I feel like we're laying on two Muppets.
Yes.
Oh, Jesus.
Is this your death scene? If you die on the show, we're [bleep].
- I'm not puking enough.
- You don't need to puke.
[bleep], I got to drink this.
- I gotta drink this.
- No! Ooh.
How have you had this much of that? I've had seven glasses of this.
Okay, so FDR is in his third term.
Britain was like, okay, he's getting old.
We are worried that he's gonna die, because he's our biggest supporter right now.
You need to let us know everything that's wrong with him.
And he's like, yeah, I'll be right over.
Uhh, and now I'm here, right now.
And so, luckily, Eleanor Roosevelt is like, hey, I'm a big fan of yours, so meet my husband.
And he's like, oh, yeah, nice to meet you, FDR.
Nice to meet you too, Roald Dahl.
And they have a lovely time.
They drink a lot.
So he took note of everything, wrote it all in a 12-page document, and it worked out very well until FDR died.
And then the war ended, and Dahl's life as a spy was over.
He was like, [bleep], what can I do now? He's like, well, I need to make a buck, so let me just go for the easy money and just I'll just write some [bleep] children's novels.
That'll be great.
So he wrote "James and the Giant Peach," which was amazing.
And then in the same year, he wrote "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," which, holy [bleep], was the best.
And he wrote "Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator," wrote "The Witches," wrote "The BFG," wrote "Fantastic Mr.
Fox.
" He's hands down, [bleep] Dr.
Seuss, the greatest children's author of all time.
And he was a [bleep] spy! Literally, a [bleep] spy.
And because of his dick, England was a better place.
I enjoy jay-drinking.
I enjoy drinking with you.
- "Jay-drinking?" - I enjoy day-drinking.
And you're continuing.