Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Los Angeles

_ _ The Wild West is Los Angeles.
You're dead, you're dead.
Everybody's [bleep] dead.
Where did all this booze go? He looked at Rin Tin Tin, and he's like, You got to jump like you never jumped before, okay, dude? So he's like, Yep.
And Rin Tin Tin jumped it.
So Mulholland's like, You just [bleep] build a pipe.
Boop, and you get to L.
There's spies.
There's bribery.
There's manipulation.
- [bleep] me, man.
- Alcohol is crazy.
You can have the dream of America, and you can stop in Wichita, or you can really have the dream of America and come on out to Los Angeles.
Anywhere anytime you want a Mexican food, you can get it, out of a truck, from a man or a woman.
They think that everybody wants to be famous.
No, we don't.
It's not our everyday life.
- I love L.
- Just, L.
is wonderful.
- It's a beautiful place.
- It's also fake as [bleep].
So you're gonna I want to make you an L.
It's just lettuce.
This is gonna make you [bleep] your brains out.
It's like something you see in "Double Dare.
" To Los Angeles.
You've got the most adorable Hitler mustache.
Hulk Hitler.
- Okay, Derek.
- Hello, Seth.
What if I drank all of this at once? You know what the Terminator said: "We make our future.
" - Okay.
- It was so much.
I'm Seth Weitberg, and today we're going to talk about the creation of the LAPD.
In 1847, the leader of the Mexican forces, Andres Pico, signs the treaty that give California to America.
And the Wild West is Los Angeles.
You've got Californios that have been here forever.
You've got Utah Indians.
You've got Germans.
You've got French.
You've got Jews.
But there's no police force.
And one of the guys that shows up is Benjamin Hayes.
He's a lawyer, and he's like, Hey, guys, don't sweat it.
I know American law.
Like, I can help you out, okay.
And he becomes the first ever judge of Los Angeles.
And he's like, I hope we have a good jail.
And someone's like, Actually, it's just a single room with a log with four chains attached to it.
And he's like, Oh, no So Judge Hayes is like, Guys, we need a [bleep] police force.
Why don't we all give a little bit of money, we'll hire a police force, and we can be in control of them and tell them what to do.
And the people of Los Angeles are like, Law enforcement? That's a stupid idea.
You stupid [bleep] 35-year-old.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where did all this booze go? I drank it all.
Okay, so there's a party.
Andres Pico is there.
He's like, I love your party.
These ranches.
Cool times, great oldies.
And these gamblers [bleep] hear, and they're like, - Uh, did we get invited to that fiesta? - No, no-no-n-n-n-no.
- Well, you want to go? - Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.
- Should we bring anything? - I mean, it's nice to bring something.
And they show up with a cannon! And they're like.
Why didn't you guys invite us? It's a common courtesy.
Andres Pico decides, in that moment, [bleep] the law, [bleep] Benjamin Hayes, [bleep] the court system, [bleep] California, [bleep] America.
You're stupid as [bleep] for bringing a cannon.
And I have a pistol, and I'm gonna kill you.
Bang-bang-bang! Hayes is like, No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! And everyone else is like, Oh, my God.
They don't think that's a bad idea.
Instead they think, That's a good idea.
And Andres Pico's like, [bleep] right.
Let's form a commi a vigilance committee.
And he forms a vig he forms this vigilance committee.
And they're like, Hey, let's sit around.
Let's, like, figure out, like, who did a bad thing.
If they did a bad thing, let's get them.
And someone comes in the vigilance committee.
They're like, Hey, there's a couple murderers in the jail that we that just escaped.
Pico, like, chases down these two murderers.
Boom-boom-boom! [bleep] kills them.
And the L.
Star, the first newspaper in L.
, they're like, Form posses.
This is a great idea.
Get the bad guys! And everybody's like, Oh, my God! We should form a posse! And hanging fever breaks out in Los Angeles.
Everyone's like, Oh, you're vandalizing that building over there? I'ma hang you.
You just stole a horse? I'ma hang you.
Oh, you just [bleep] murdered someone? I'm definitely gonna hang you.
I'll probably shoot you in the street before I even hang you.
By 1855, in Los Annngggeles, there's a murder every single day.
It's like the Terrordome.
Hayes is like, The vigilance committee has gone too far.
I'm going to issue a warrant to arrest these vigilantes.
No one's ever heard of vigilantes, but they're called vigilantes.
I'm making up this term.
Judge Hayes goes out to the homes of the vigilantes.
And he's like, I have a warrant for your arrest because you're vigilantes.
And they're like, Well, in that case I'm gonna stay in my house.
I'm gonna stay in my house.
And he's like, Aw, man.
I wish these people would just come out of their house so I could try them in a jury with a trial.
There's no police force! Thanks, you [bleep] - What was that? What was that? - The boom.
Bo dropped the boom.
By the way, I have to pee so bad right now.
But I'm gonna finish this story, and then I'm gonna pee, and then we're gonna have good times, great oldies.
So, in 1857, someone comes in, they're like, Hey, Sheriff Barton just got [bleep] killed.
And the vigilance committee is like Crazy.
You thought it was bad before? Pico's like, You're dead, you're dead, you're dead, you're dead, you're dead.
Everybody's [bleep] dead.
Blood against the walls, blood on the streets.
Blop-blop-blop! Everybody, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead.
Blood everywhere.
And at the end of two weeks, the L.
Star, the newspaper, is finally like, Mm, I think we went too far.
And Andres Pico is like, I just beheaded so many dudes.
You know what? The better way for me is, I'm gonna go into the state senate.
I'm gonna be a politician.
That's the way to do it.
Gandhi, M.
, you know, that's how we do it.
And so, in 1869, the people of Los Angeles finally say, You know what, we should give a little bit of money and have a police force.
And Judge Hayes is like, That's what I asked for in 1852, you [bleep] doofuses.
And bottom line, that is where the LAPD comes from.
Now we have law.
I can't feel my teeth.
Cheers to friendship and the good city of Los Angeles.
I love it here, man.
It gave us our dream.
- City of Angels.
- Yes, sir.
That'll be the day.
I think you beat me.
All right go on, turn oh.
Oh, okay.
I didn't know that was happening again.
I'm sick of all the people on message boards saying we're not really drunk.
- You do it so gracefully.
- I do, but Hello, I'm Eric Edelstein, and today we're gonna tell the story of Rin Tin Tin, Hollywood's first superstar.
Our story starts in 1898.
Lee Duncan is sent to an orphanage.
He's like, Dude, Mom, you're dropping me off? And his mom is like, Don't worry, it's fine.
That's the deal.
And he's like, Man, all I want is one friend.
All I need in this life is one friend, because he never had anything, man.
Well, then World War I happens.
Lee Duncan is sent out to a part of France, and he hears something.
He's like, Holy [bleep].
What's that sound? It's like You know that sound, huh? He sees a German shepherd covering five puppies.
There were 16 million animal soldiers in World War I.
And gives a way the mother to somebody who wants the mother.
And he gives away all the puppies but two.
And he's like, I'm gonna name you Rin Tin Tin and Nanette.
- You just booked.
- Cheers.
- Ah, that's got a good taste.
- Mhm.
So the war eventually ends, and then Nanette gets very sick, and Nanette passes away.
And so all he has is Rin Tin Tin, and so he wasn't sure what he was gonna do.
But he knew it was gonna somehow involve Rin Tin Tin.
Only problem, a newspaper boy, some Bennie Arthur type asshole, comes by, throws a stack of newspapers, and nails Rin Tin Tin in the leg.
And somebody says, This is a time where if your dog's leg breaks in four places, unfortunately it's gonna have to be probably put down.
You get gangrene, you get some weird [bleep].
So he said, Man, this dog's leg is broken in four places.
The vet's told me it's gonna take nine months.
What am I gonna do? Dude, I'm gonna train it.
And magic's gonna happen.
Lee trains him to sit.
Lee trains him to fetch.
Lee trains him to run.
This dog is doing something that is amazing.
So he brings Rin Tin Tin to the Pasadena Dog Show, and his friend Charlie Jones comes along.
He's like, Hey, want to do something? What about your dog there? Your dog's pretty cool.
Maybe we can make him jump.
And then they set up an 11-foot, 8-foot jump.
He looked at Rin Tin Tin, and he's like, Dude, this is your chance.
I feel like fate and circumstance has placed us here.
You just got to jump.
You got to jump like you never jumped before, okay, dude? So he was like, Yep, I'll jump.
And Rin Tin Tin jumped it.
Lee sees Rin Tin Tin jumping.
He says, Holy [bleep], movies.
This is yeah, this is what Rin Tin Tin is supposed to do.
And then they say Rin Tin Tin Thank God you dropped that.
I had no idea where I was going.
It was amazing.
So, basically Lee Duncan goes over the Warner Brothers.
So this guy literally went to the gates and started doing tricks with Rin Tin Tin.
Harry Warner saw it, and he's like, Look at that dog jump.
That dog's pretty good.
I'd be interested in what that dog might be offering.
Some producer comes out, he's like, Yeah, you know, we got a wolf movie, but we could use, like, an extra.
He'll be buried in the background.
So he came in.
The wolf they had they had a real goddamn wolf.
When it came time, when the lights was on, the wolf sucked, so they couldn't get this wolf to do the tricks.
So Lee jumped up and said, Hey, Rin Tin Tin looks like a wolf.
They said, Rin Tin Tin, hey, man, can you be a wolf? Rin Tin Tin's like, Yeah.
Then, boom, it's on.
Rin Tin Tin crushed.
Imagine, like, [bleep] Ryan Stiles '96.
That's how good Rin Tin Tin was.
Then Harry Warner says, Man, how can we get more money out of that dog? That's when Lee Duncan steps up and says, Dude, funny you should ask.
I have a script involving this dog.
Let's do it.
Harry Warner's like, Yeah, this script's pretty good.
All right, let's do it.
And so they make Rin Tin Tin's first movie, and it's huge.
The applause went on forever.
And Rin Tin Tin went on to make tons of movies.
Ah, Rin Tin Tin is jumping.
Rin Tin Tin is flying.
Rin Tin Tin did his own stunts.
So he became the biggest star in Hollywood.
Warner Brothers goes from being worth $16 million to $200 million, like that, because of a dog.
You could really argue Rin Tin Tin was the best actor in Hollywood at that time.
Dude, the first ever Academy Awards, they had actors vote on who the best actor in the world is.
Well, when the award for best actor came back, it was won by Rin Tin Tin, at which point they said, We cannot have this.
This is embarrassing.
We want this award to have some legitimacy.
We cannot give it to a goddamn dog.
- To a dog.
- And then they did a recount, and they gave it to some guy named Emil.
And then, unfortunately, in 1932, Rin Tin Tin dies.
And America stops.
Like, they cut into every radio broadcast at the time.
People are devastated.
People are like, Oh, my God.
This is the biggest star in the world.
This is the biggest actor in the world.
This is the only actor we really love since Valentino, and he's dead.
And so people are so sad, and people never thought another Rin Tin Tin could come again, and they were right.
Dude, Rin Tin Tin, to me, is the promise of L.
Like, you can come down here with a dream, and if you can do your job, man, it happens! This town is magic.
I love Los Angeles with all my heart.
It's given me everything.
I pinch myself.
Life is so beautiful here.
Yes, excuse me.
I farted, I admit it.
But I'm allowed to.
I got a great house, girl, dog, everything.
I farted.
This is the second or third year in 80 years that anybody's been able to kayak in the L.
- I'm ready.
Let's go.
- Let's go down the L.
Let's go down there.
- Ready when you are.
- Oh, yeah! The L.
River used to be the sole source of water for the city of Los Angeles.
You know, when you don't educate yourself, you just always imagine the L.
River's just the scene from "Terminator.
" We're gonna have some rapids up ahead, so be careful.
- L.
River oh, [bleep]! - Sweep left, sweep left! - Whoa! - Awesome.
- Whoa, hang on, hang on.
- Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh! Ah! Hello, I'm Jeremy Konner.
And today we're going to talk about Sorry.
That's hello.
You want to say hello.
- I'm so [bleep] up, man.
- No, I see.
You're looking at me over here, and I'm over here.
- You're the goddamn director of this.
- I know.
I'm the goddamn director of this.
So far, my favorite quote.
- Go on.
- Hello, I'm Jeremy Konner.
And today we're going to be talking about the L.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So William Mulholland is the head of the L.
city water company.
And he realizes, like, We need to figure something out, because L.
is growing.
And either L.
has to stop growing or we have to figure out more water.
Mulholland goes to Fred Eaton.
I mean, he's just the most powerful man.
And he's like, Hey, you're my best friend.
You're my mentor.
We're [bleep]-ed.
Eaton is like, There is a place that I used to go when I was a kid.
It's a [bleep]-ing, like, 200 miles away.
I know.
It sounds nuts.
But shut the [bleep] up.
It's gonna save all of our problems.
Mulholland's like I'm interested, but I'm not like, 100% on your page, but I - I'm on your page.
- But he's on a page.
But he's on the page.
So they go up to the Owens Valley, and Eaton is like, This lake is 4,000 feet above sea level.
Los Angeles, just a couple feet above sea level.
Mulholland's like, Oh, my God, it's all downhill.
Broop, all the way to L.
, 250 miles.
Broop, all the way to L.
You just [bleep]-ing build a pipe, broop, and you get to L.
But Eaton says, We're gonna have to break some laws.
We're gonna have to do some shady, shady - Can we watch "My Cousin Vinny"? - No, you were talking.
You don't want to watch "My Cousin Vinny"? - Let's just continue on the story.
- Oh, I was saying that So Eaton starts buying up all of the Owens Valley, illegally, because they need the water rights.
And they get the L.
Times to publish fake stories, like, "We're all gonna die.
Guys, if we don't have water, we're all gonna die.
" And it's all nonsense.
It's all fake.
There's spies, there's bribery, there's manipulation.
I mean, these guys were the worst worse than anyone.
But the most [bleep]-ed up thing is, Eaton, he sneaks off to his buddies.
This is the San Fernando Syndicate.
And he's like, There's this big ah big-ass basin in the San Fernando Valley that just [bleep]-ing is just chilling out here.
Buy up land in the San Fernando Valley.
And then, when the water comes, we're all gonna make gazillions.
"Chinatown," man.
And eventually, the people of L.
vote to create the aqueduct.
This is a [bleep]-ing pipe in 1904, five, six, seven, whatever, On the opening, William Mulholland turns on the water, and he's like, There it is.
Take it.
And the water starts [bleep]-ing shooting out.
And that is the great moment of William Mulholland's something.
- Oh, Jesus.
- This is so stupid.
- Hello.
- Hi, Jer.
What year are we in? - I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
After 1913, water is coming to L.
like nobody's business.
The population is [bleep] exploding.
There's palm trees.
Palm trees don't exist in Los Angeles.
It's a desert.
But the people who profit most out of this is Eaton and his buddies.
Then, in the 1920s, there's a drought, and it's a real drought.
It's a [bleep]-ing for real, for real, for real, for real.
And Mulholland says, Oh, my God, like, this is We need a reservoir.
Mulholland goes to Eaton.
Eaton has bought up the only dam site in the entire Owens Valley.
And he's like, You can have my dam site for $1 million.
And Mulholland's like I didn't do that.
So Mulholland's like, [bleep] it.
I'm gonna build the goddamn reservoir, and it's gonna be [bleep]-ing beautiful, and, m'wah, [bleep] you.
And he [bleep]-ing built the St.
Francis Dam in San Francis Francisquito.
And everything is great.
And then they go, Hey, William Mulholland, there's a leak.
And William Mulholland's like, I'm kind of in the middle of a power play.
I ain't worried about that [bleep] [bleep], dawg.
He goes to sleep.
That night, he gets a phone call in the night.
The dam has broke.
There are more dead than the San Francisco earthquake.
And this was William Mulholland's downfall.
But in the end, between Mulholland and Eaton, they were they created Los Angeles, but really Mulholland, if it weren't for him, there would be no Los Angeles.
is a [bleep]-ing nonsense of nonsenses.
And it's the water.
I am so [bleep]-ed up.
Oh, yeah! # I love L.
# Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah oh, no! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!