Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Great Escapes

Dr.
Timothy Leary decided, all right, I'm gonna get the [bleep] out of this stupid shithole.
This is Galileo! William Willis is like, that sounds like a travesty.
What if I went to go rescue this guy? Oh, Jesus Christ.
April 14, 1912, the "Titanic" hits the iceberg.
Charles Joughin was like, oh, my God, what now? - 'Cause that one's yours.
- Thank you.
To Timothy Leary.
- To Timothy Leary.
- And his great escape.
Cheers.
- Cheers.
- And to you, Duncan.
To you, Derek.
Mm-hmm.
Good day to you, my friends.
My name is Duncan Trussell.
And today, we're gonna talk about Timothy Leary.
I have a quick question I want to ask you.
How much is acid? Okay.
There's my answer.
Well, it should be free.
So Timothy Leary was a professor at Harvard.
And he starts doing these amazing experiments with LSD.
So Timothy Leary starts announcing to the world, there's no reason that you have to go to war and kill people you don't know.
We're all but one thing, man.
I've learned this from this chemical.
Tune in, turn on, drop out.
Nixon was president.
So Richard Nixon said, Timothy Leary must be stopped.
Like, they wanted him in jail.
They're psychopaths! You're dealing with a psycho you're dealing with, like, lunatics.
Timothy okay, so Timothy Leary is in Laguna Beach, gets pulled over by a cop.
They plant joints on him.
The cop is like, oh yeah, we found two roaches in your [bleep] car.
So Leary's like, really? You're gonna arrest me for this? Really? That's who you are? You asshole! So he got put in jail.
And the sentence is 30 years.
He goes to prison in San Luis Obisbal Obispo.
San Luis Obisbal.
I can't even sit up.
So Leary is in prison, sitting in his bunk, thinking to himself, why am I in prison? I'm in prison because of some backwards bullshit, narcissistic, [bleep] sucking government that we're supposed to act like it's the way things work in this shit game we call the United States.
So he starts planning an escape.
And so, like, he made friends with, uh, the people that have been in prison the longest.
They tell him, like, uh well, there's a cable that runs over the prison.
That, if someone had the guts, they could crawl across that wire and probably get free, and that's how you get out of here, baby.
He called him baby.
Yeah.
Okay, so he meets every Sunday with his wife, Rosemary.
And he's like uh, I love you.
You're amazing.
You're beautiful.
I want to get out of prison, so let's raise some money and figure out a way for someone to get me the [bleep] out of this shit hole.
Rosemary raised $23,000.
Gave it to the Weather Underground.
So the Weather Underground was a group of activist students.
They were like, listen, if you really want to get out of this prison, do it in late September.
'Cause that's when the fogs come in.
And so he waits.
And he starts working out.
So Timothy Leary was, like, playing handball, sit-ups, working out in the day.
Timothy Leary was playing handball, doing [bleep] bench presses, sit-ups, getting ripped.
So on September 12, 1970, it's foggy, it's the perfect time to escape.
So Dr.
Timothy Leary decided, all right, I'm gonna get the [bleep] out of this stupid shit hole.
So he creeps out of his cell, gets out of there.
Goes out into the hallway, and he looks around the hall.
So he sneaks around into a doorway that opens up to the prison yard.
Runs across the prison yard in the dead of the night.
He avoids the light.
And, uh, climbs up a tree.
He climbs up a tree.
And he's, like, on the rooftop like a squirrel.
Runs that way through it.
And there's the wire.
So he gets to the cable, he begins to climb across the cable.
So he's hanging really think about this, man! This is Galileo! This is one of the smartest people that ever lived! This is one of the smartest of us.
- I'm with you.
- All right.
So halfway through the cable, he thinks to himself, I'm out of energy.
They're gonna poke me out of here like a [bleep] sloth in a tree.
With a stick.
Or maybe a dog.
And then he found something deep inside of him, some reservoir of energy and he's like no, I'm gonna keep moving.
And I'm gonna climb across this [bleep] cable.
And that's what he did.
Climbed across the cable, dropped down.
So Leary's running down the [bleep] road.
Half mile, he's been training for this.
Rocky Balboa was He was Rocky Balboa.
He - Now you have to say it.
- He was Rocky Balboa! He was running down the street.
Van pulls up.
It's the Weather Underground, and they're like Man, let's go to Algeria, you idiot.
So they capture him again.
He gets sentenced to Folsom.
And then governor Jerry Brown gets him a pardon.
He leaves a free man.
He went to jail for nothing.
He was in prison 'cause he was too smart.
If being smart was illegal, we would be in the best planet on Earth.
Being smart is not illegal.
Being dumb is legal.
What are your dogs' names? This is Fox and that's Gatsby.
It's ruining everything.
I knew they would.
I thought they were being locked away in that basement? Well, they got out.
Escaped.
My [bleep] dogs - Great - Escape! Have you ever escaped from anywhere? Omaha.
How did you escape? Oh, I just got in my car and drove.
You didn't tell your parents? No, I said you know, be back for Christmas.
Hello, I'm Steve Berg and today, we're gonna be talking about Devil's Island.
Our story begins in 1908.
A 15-year-old boy named William Willis boards a boat as a seaman.
And he learns about sailing, doing a little cookery, emptying out a latrine.
He becomes a jack of all trades.
He's like, I'm a master seaman/adventurer.
William was a guy who had no idols.
Except the fictional character of Don Quixote.
In 1938, William injures his leg, and it's a pretty bad situation.
So William ended up at a boarding house run by a woman named Madame Carnot, and she was regaling William about her son, Bernard.
She's like, my son was wrongfully accused of murder, and now he there, rotting on an island in a French penal colony.
Dying! Rotting! Amongst the worst oppon am worst amongst worst humans that are basically around.
And William's like, that sounds like a travesty.
What if I went to go rescue this guy? He wanted to be Don Quixote.
And that was a big thing for him.
That's why he went on these adventures.
I am I Don Quixote The man of La Mancha My destiny calls and I will heed Haven't you heard that song? There was a musical made about it.
That's a great one.
I auditioned for it.
Didn't get the part.
True story.
Anyway William Willis sets off for Devils' Island, but lands on Dutch Guiana.
Soon after, he meets this ex-convict who's been there for And Jules says to him right away he sees William Willis smile.
He goes Keep your teeth in your mouth closed.
If you've got a mouth full of gold, you are a walking money sign, dude.
They will rip those fillings right out.
And William's like, okay, I like the cut of this guy's jib.
Maybe he's my Sancho Panza.
So he kind of confides in Jules and says, Jules, the reality of the situation is, I am here trying to find a guy named Bernard Carnot.
Jules is like, I'll help you out, what the hell am I doing, you know? I'm just, like, [bleep], eating roots and, like, eating [bleep] throwing out fish parts.
So I'm gonna help you out on this mission.
Here comes those hiccups.
All right.
Meanwhile, William and Jules set off for Devil's Island.
So they wander around the piranha-infested Maroni River.
And they're looking in every nook and cranny for any kind of clue for Bernard.
And in the midst of this adventure, William turns to Jules and says Wow, look at all these blue butterflies, man.
And Jules is like, yeah, I know.
They're nice.
And William's like, God, I'm getting kind of frustrated, man.
I might have, like, came all the way here for nothing.
Oh, my God, hiccups.
Sorry, one second.
So they sail around and finally, they get to Devil's Island.
And it is the place that you would call hell on Earth.
Soon after, William comes down with a fever.
Jules is like, William, oh, Jesus.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You've got malaria, brother.
So he takes William to a witch doctor.
And this witch doctor's like, yeah, this old hat, I've seen this before.
And the witch doctor slices open parrots.
And attaches them to each foot.
So the witch doctor says I'm gonna give you some old monkey broth, which is an old recipe from my mom's.
It's gonna cure you.
Meanwhile, his main man, Jules he was like, William, you just get better, I'm gonna go do some recon.
So he starts asking around.
Do you know a Bernard Carnot? Finally, he comes across a guy who says, yeah, I think I've heard of a Bernard Carnot.
He lives in a shack up on the rocky cliff.
So Jules heads up there, knocks on the door, he opens it, and there's this man there.
Jules is like, are you the Bernard Carnot who mother owns a boarding house, whose she was a very sweet woman, plump and beautiful with a heavy breastal area? So what he does is, he pulls out the trump card and puts a picture of his mother in his hands.
And the guy looks at the picture of his mother and begins to weep like a child.
Mom, Mama oh, Mom.
Mama whoo, Mom! Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, man? Yeah.
So he gets word back to William, who is now feeling better.
He's like, you found him? While I was resting in bed? Jules, you're okay.
And for 25 bucks, they get him on a supply steamer to Brazil.
And Jules says to him, before you go, there's something I'd like to give to you.
And it is a box of the most brilliant blue Amazonian butterflies you have ever seen.
And William looks at him and says, Jules, these are some nice butterflies, man.
Jules is like, I know.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
All right.
And that's the end.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
I traveled Throughout the world I take one down And I Pass it around The world Of adventure The world of adventure I've traveled down The river wild The world An adventure The world Of adventure Okay.
- Ready? - Yes.
Hello, I'm Doug Jones, and today, we're gonna talk about Charles Joughin, the chief baker of the RMS "Titanic," who saved his own life by drinking whiskey.
That was great.
Our story begins in was ready for its maiden voyage.
Charles Joughin was hired as the chief baker.
He's 34 years old.
He's like, holy shit, this is the big times.
And baking that comes out of the voyage, I am the guy that decides, is it a pie or a cake? Cake.
Pie.
Pie.
Cake.
I'm in charge.
Also, Charles Joughin was a lover of the booze.
He kept a flask on his person at all times.
He kept booze stocked in his personal cabin.
And he was actually making his own booze.
All right, so April 14, 1912, At this point, Charles Joughin was drunk.
He's retired with a nightcap.
All of a sudden, the "Titanic" hits the iceberg.
The whole room shaking, he gets up out of his bunk and he's just like, what the hell's going on? Word started being passed down that there was an emergency and they were deploying lifeboats.
And he's like, oh, my God, that's serious.
The little bit of whiskey made him keep his cool.
Charles Joughin arrives on the top deck.
It's time for him to get on the lifeboat.
But he begins escorting women and children into the lifeboats.
Now, some of the women declined to get into the lifeboat.
They looked at the lifeboat, they said, that's not safe.
I'm gonna stay on the "Titanic.
" Everyone says that it's unsinkable.
Charles Joughin was like, are you crazy? Get on the lifeboat now.
And the women were like, no, you're a baker.
You look silly with your hat.
He was like, okay, well if you're not getting on the lifeboat, then I'll get you on the lifeboat for you.
And he starts picking up the women and children.
Takes them, throws them down.
He finishes loading the lifeboat.
He starts picking up deck chairs and throwing them overboard.
Okay, keep going.
The process of the sinking was in motion, and there was no turning back at that point.
But he goes back to his cabin and he's like, ugh, what a day.
He pours himself another glass of whiskey, and he just chills.
When I laughed, I blew I blew the alcohol into my face.
I blew it into my face.
I'm doing a good job.
- RMS.
- Mm-hmm.
RMS stands for "Royal Mail Ship.
" Do you know how it was a mail ship? - No.
- It had a big fat dick.
That's the joke.
So after, uh, 30 minutes, the water starts flooding in.
There's a huge crash.
And he's like, oh, my God, what now? Could this get any worse? The "Titanic" breaks in half.
And the whole stern side of the ship starts tilting.
He goes back up to the deck.
Everybody's panicking.
Men, women, and children all sliding down the deck, falling off of the boat.
He just kept his cool.
People are screaming.
He put his life belt on and he tightened it up.
And, very causally, he marches up to the stern and climbs over the railing.
He said out loud, well, here we go.
As the ship sinks, he's riding the stern down like an elevator.
Very elegant, like a full-on gentleman.
And he just gracefully steps into the water.
Doesn't even get a single hair on his head wet.
Charles Joughin was the very last person on the RMS "Titanic.
" Because of the amount of alcohol, he didn't feel the cold at all, and he was able to sustain the cold temperature for over three hours.
The rescue ship finally arrived.
Out of the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people who fell in the water, only six survivors.
When he gets on the ship, They're immediately giving him medical attention.
And they decide to thaw him out by putting him into a oven.
So he goes in the oven, and he's just kind of like, wow, look at me now.
Yesterday, I was baking pies in an oven, today, I am in an oven and I am I am pie! I'm gonna I'm gonna shoot it with you.
But do you realize, we're about to be [bleep] freezing cold? Remember This is for Charles Joughin.
If he can do it, I can do it.
All right.
Okay.
Whoo! Let's get in the oven.
- Ugh.
- Where's the oven?