Drunk History (2013) Episode Scripts

N/A - Bar Fights

1 Carrie Nation was like, alcohol is terrible, so she smashes this bar up, but she be wrong, though, 'cause this [bleep] is delicious.
They're all in Tennessee! I'm Andrew God damn Jackson.
Get them giggles out! Ooh, yeah! The 1960s is a very tumultuous time.
So Marsha P.
Johnson smashed that [bleep] against the mirror and said, I got my civil rights! (Patriotic music) (Rock music) Oh, what you're drinking tastes like poop.
- Mm? - Oh, apple poop.
(Laughing) That's so great.
What is that? - Apple poop.
- It tastes like apples.
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
- I like it.
- That's okay.
Yours is definitely better.
- Yeah.
- You know what's crazy? I really thought that was gonna happen.
I was like, I'm gonna do like, um what is that, the, um What's the [bleep] cartoon? That does it? - The the "Lady and the Tramp.
" - "Alvin and the Chipmunks.
" "Lady and the Tramp.
" "Alvin and the Chipmunks.
" - All right.
- (Laughing) Hello, I'm Amber Ruffin, and today, we're gonna talk about the saloon smasher.
(Hiccups) Our story starts in Kansas! Carrie Nation married a man, but he dies of alcoholism.
So, in 1900, she prayed for God to tell her what to do.
Jesus, let me know what I can do to stop people from drinking.
God said to her, Go to Kiowa, Kansas not Iowa, Carrie and I will stand with you.
And she did.
So, she goes to Kiowa, Kansas.
She brings, like, bricks and rocks to smash up bars.
And that's when the real [bleep] went down.
She was like, I don't want to strike you, barkeep, but I will break up this den of vice.
- So, the barkeep was like - "This den of vice"? "This den of vice.
" The barkeep was like, That this has never happened, so I don't know what you're talking about.
(Slurping) Sorry, that was loud.
You don't know [bleep], because my husband [bleep] died of alcohol.
, I super hate alcohol.
So um, she smashes this bar up, and this is the first time anyone has ever [bleep] freaked out like a crazy person.
She smashes up all that [bleep].
She's smashing up, um, all of his bottles of alcohol.
Well, it's [bleep] illegal for him to have it.
- And smashing his fun.
- (Laughing) She smashed everything.
She comes out of his bar.
There's a huge crowd, because people have never seen anything like this.
So everyone's out there going, Yay! We like that that happened! And so she gains a lot of supporters.
At this point, it's illegal to sell liquor in Kansas.
(Chuckles) Those assholes.
(Laughs) So, Carrie goes to three other bars, smashes their [bleep] up too.
And then, finally, the town marshal is like, Please stop.
I'm going to have to arrest you.
She goes she gets arrested.
She is arrested for seven weeks.
So, she gets out of jail.
Um, she goes to two other cities in Kansas.
When she gets to Wichita, she says, Men of Wichita, this is the right arm of God, and I am destined to destroy every saloon in your city.
She goes into the Carey hotel bar.
She smashes up every bottle of alcohol.
She smashes up every mirror, every window.
She smashes it good, because Jesus told her to smash, and when Jesus say, "Smash," she smash.
She does $3,000 worth of damage.
Now, during one of her smashies - Oh, I like the smashies.
- (Laughing) I wanted her to call it "Smashies.
" - I don't know that she did.
- (Laughing) A fan of hers gives her a hatchet.
Carrie is like, Enough with the bricks.
Let's get to the real [bleep], a hatchet.
So she goes into this bar, gets into the bar, and smashes up every bottle of alcohol.
Every (Laughing) Ev-er-y.
So - Everly Cleary? - Every.
Is what you should say.
But I'm saying "Ev-er-y.
" That's weird.
So, she smashes up everything in the bar.
And she leaves the bar.
And she's out talking to this huge mass of people, and it's like, Alcohol is terrible.
Don't drink.
Everyone is like, Whoo, we're eating this [bleep] up.
So, she's famous.
Now she is famous.
So, she goes around the whole United States of America.
She tours.
She smashes up bars.
And she never stops, and a lot of people try to write her off as a crazy lady because she's the only person saying, Hey, maybe alcohol is terrible.
But she be wrong, though, 'cause this [bleep] is delicious.
(Slurping) So, she died in 1911.
And prohibition was passed in 1919, due in large part to her and her efforts.
But also, women's rights.
That was Carrie A.
[bleep] Nation.
Because she always advocated for women's right to vote.
Thank you for [bleep] letting me [bleep] vote.
- Lady.
- Amen.
Glad you smashed up these bars.
Bet it was cool.
I sure like voting.
(Slurping) - (Bubbling) - I've always been able to vote.
(Laughing) I'm black I haven't been able to vote twice.
(Laughter) In the name of Carrie A.
- Let's smash this [bleep].
- Let's smash.
One, two, three.
(Glass shattering) To you, Carrie A.
All right, so we'll start you look into Tommy's camera.
Shut up right now.
Shut up right now.
- Do it your own way.
- Shut up.
- Shut the [bleep] up.
- Know that I mean Shut the [bleep] up.
I'm Kyle Kinane.
And today, we're gonna talk about Andrew Jackson.
The brawler.
Start early 1800s.
Andrew Jackson's army, they're in Tennessee.
He's a an accomplished duelist.
Jackson's like, I've been a soldier and a brawler my whole time.
I'm a badass dude.
So, there's a couple brothers named Thomas and Jesse Benton.
They're officers in Andrew Jackson's army.
These two brothers, they're a couple rabble rousers.
Couple troublemakers.
Thomas, he's power-hungry.
He wants to make it.
He just wants he he wants he wants he wants it.
Becomes Jackson's right-hand man.
Jackson likes him so much, he sends him to D.
Jesse Benton, still in still in Tennessee.
Part of the regiment, gets into an argument with another another fellow under Jackson's regime by the name of, uh, William Carroll.
Some old-timey argument.
Jabber, jabber, jabber? Jabber, jabber, jabber.
No end result.
Well, we're not gonna settle this with words.
All right, let's meet in a field and shoot at each other.
Duel! - (Laughing) - So It's it's very inefficient.
It's very inefficient.
So, William Carroll knew he was experienced.
He's like, So listen, Andy, do me a solid I'm working under you.
Can you be on the ones and twos for me? Andrew Dacks Andrew Jackson says, You know what? I'm your second.
Let's go at it.
- (Claps) - Duel! So, the duel goes down.
Ten-pace duel.
Turn, spin, shoot.
Poom! Carroll gets his thumb blown off, still gets one off, shoots Jesse Benton in his ass.
Hilarious shot.
(Laughter) People are out there going nut they're they're like, Well, did you hear about the duel? Jesse Benton's got an extra asshole.
(Laughing) Ah, all right.
All right.
Get them giggles out.
Ooh, yeah! It the word gets all the way back to Thomas Benton, Jesse's Brother's you know, he's over there, D.
He's hearing about this.
He's like, What? Where I left, now they're laughing about my name? And it's because Jackson supported this other guy? Now, Thomas Benton, Andrew Jackson's aide, is furious.
He's like, This is Andrew Jackson's fault for even allowing this stupid duel to happen.
So, he's not gonna stand for it.
He heads back to Tennessee to restore honor to his family name.
Andrew Jackson, back in Tennessee, he's hearing he's hearing all this [bleep] talk.
He's upset about all this.
I'm Andrew God damn Jackson.
I'm gonna whip sense into these Benton brothers.
Literally, he walks around for six weeks with a bullwhip on his on his belt loop.
Just some real passo-aggro [bleep].
(Imitates whip cracking) You know how whips sound.
Put in a sound effect.
Silent take.
(Silent) (Laughing) Okay, so, do you remember where you are? They're all in Tennessee! Nashville! September 4th, 1813.
The Bentons are holed up at a hotel.
Other end of the strip, Andrew Jackson - (Claps) - and his good buddy John Coffee.
They're hanging.
They all know why they're there.
They got beef.
Old-timey beef.
1800s beef.
Andrew Jackson's like, Hey, John, your name is indicative of morning activity, John Coffee.
Let's go take a morning stroll.
Let's go get my mail from the post office.
(Clears throat) So they take a little stroll around town oh, did it happen to take a cir circuit cir, uh, roundabout way in front of the hotel? Benton brothers posted up, like, Yeah, we expected this much.
Andrew Jackson, he looks at 'em.
Then just says, "Defend yourselves, you damned rascals.
" (Belches) That was the final moment.
Thomas Benton goes for the sidearm.
Andrew Jackson already has it pulled.
So Thomas, he goes back in the hotel.
Meanwhile, Jesse's coming around sneakily.
There's Andrew Jackson.
What he doesn't see is Jesse's coming around a corner.
Fires off at Jackson bang, bang! Jackson, he gets shot.
(Dramatic music) In the wing.
Jackson goes to throw one off at Thomas.
The gun misfires.
(Imitates farting) And it just farts out his musket.
Burns a hole in his jacket.
Coffee runs in.
Coffee fires a few shots at Thomas.
Oh, I'm being shot at? What's my safest bet? Let me just roll down these stairs.
He did that to himself voluntarily.
- And - (Sets down drink) Now, we got another Andrew Jackson supporter that just he jumps in out of nowhere Stokely Hayes, he comes in with a sword.
That's a rule, you don't bring a knife to a gun fight.
This guy, he goes to stab Jesse.
The sword breaks 'cause it hits a button.
Twing! What about a knife? I'll just stab this guy.
Stokely Hayes tackles Jesse, and this whole showdown, it's a catastrophe.
End result? Andrew Jackson was a president who had, at some point, shot at several people in a non-battlefield situation.
(Laughing) - Keep going.
I'll - Oh, just keep going? Oh, tha I appreciate your permission.
Where was I? Oh, crushing that story? That's where I was? Crushing that story? So, it's like 20 years down the road.
He writes a letter to Thomas Benton.
Hey, last time I saw you, I think you left these.
Puts the bullets in a letter, mails 'em off.
You've had 'em long enough.
You keep 'em.
Mails 'em back.
That's that's how duels are.
I want to eat.
Mm-hmm? Stay tuned for more "Drunk History.
" That's nice.
That's really nice.
- [Bleep] off.
- Okay.
- To Marsha.
- Yeah.
I'm gonna paint my oh, you don't have to chug that.
(Laughing) - Did you think I was chugging? - Yeah, I did.
- Oh, sorry.
- Just kidding.
I'm honestly so happy right now.
Me too.
Hi! Just kidding.
(Laughing) Hello, I'm Crissle West, and today, we're going to discuss Marsha P.
So, the story begins in the middle of New York City, in the Village, on Christopher Street, and back then, you know, New York had a growing LGBT population.
So, basically, the non-straight population had a bunch of bars and stuff in Greenwich Village, and so, you know, all the queer kids would go down to the Village and be like, We're here to be ourselves.
But these people didn't have a sense of community.
Like, this was a point in time where you came out as being trans, and you were just kicked out of the house.
Like, and nobody gave a [bleep] about you.
And that was kind of what happened to Marsha.
Like, she was a queer person growing up in Jersey.
Okay, so she would get on the train in Jersey, um, dressed as Malcolm, which was her birth name, and then on the way over from Jersey to New York, transform into Marsha with, you know, beer cans and pop cans, uh, for rollers.
Just like, I'm Marsha P.
Johnson, bitch, and if you don't like it, you go to hell.
Like, here I am, ho.
What you gonna do? - Mm-hmm.
- (Laughing) You have the best laugh in the world.
- I love it.
- Oh, God! - Whoo! Anyways.
- Yeah.
The 1960s is a very tumultuous time for the United States of America.
Because every minority group imaginable is tired of the status quo.
Okay, so there was a group of officers in New York City called the Public Moral Squad, which is ridiculous, because when in the [bleep] have morals been a part of this God damn city? Like, the city's trash, and the Public Moral Squad took their orders directly from the mayor.
The mayor was like, I want you to go shut down the [bleep] gay bars.
I'm sick of them mother[bleep] putting they [bleep] on people's asses, and it's time to be over.
So, the night at Stonewall, June 18th or 28th.
June 28th.
I know it was one of the 8s.
(Laughter) Oh, God.
So, that night, Charles Smythe and Seymour Pine, they walked into the Stonewall Inn, and they said, Hey, bitch! (Clapping) We here! And [bleep] is under mother[bleep] arrest.
Sit your gay ass down, and wait for us to verify your mother[bleep] I.
with your [bleep] mother[bleep] genitals! (Crashing) (Laughing) Sorry, tree.
(Laughter) And the trans girls was like, Oh, no, bitch.
We didn't ask for this.
And some people were, like, freaking out, and trying to, like, go for the exits, but the police had barricaded the whole thing.
And Marsha says, You know what? Today is not the mother[bleep] day! Today is the day that I say no to this bull[bleep].
Like, y'all are not going to continue to run us, to dictate what our lives should be like.
T-t-to dish to dic-trate what our lives are supposed to be like.
You're not in charge any [bleep] more.
We're here, and as long as we have to pay taxes, you're gonna have to listen to what the [bleep] that we have to shay we have to sh to shay.
To say! So Marsha P.
Johnson stood the [bleep] up, and she picked up a shot glass, and she smashed that [bleep] against the mirror and said, I got my civil rights! She had had enough that mother[bleep] day.
So, during the Stonewall riots, that first night, all these members of the gay community started gathering outside.
Marsha, she's thinking, like, Oh, my God.
There's so many of, like, us.
There's 500 of this of us.
By the time backup showed up to Christopher Street, it was way too late.
Some of the rioters threw rocks and [bleep].
Others found bricks and [bleep], and they're like, We're gonna [bleep] it up by any means necessary.
(Laughing) - Oh, God.
- It was good.
I told myself I was not gonna get drunk this time.
I don't know how I thought that was gonna work.
(Laughter) Okay.
So, the people at Stonewall that night realized there's a community of us.
It's not just 20 of us on [bleep] Wednesday night when it's half off there's a whole group of us who are here in this gay [bleep] and you're not going to erase us from the mother[bleep] conversation no more.
So, Marsha says, Ultimately, - humanness wins.
- Yes.
- Ultimately, people win.
- Yeah.
That night, and then the next one, constitute the Stonewall Riots, and that is what got the whole gay rights movement in America started off.
Like, that gives me chills.
It's the shot glass heard around the world.
A few weeks later, Marsha and her friend Sylvia formed the Street Transvestite Act Reaction Evolution.
Which is not words we we would use to gay today, obviously, it would be more like, Street Trans-vendor.
Transgender, I mean.
Not trans-vinegar, yeah, it's not like that [bleep].
Basically, Marsha and Sylvia were out there in the '60s and '70s just trying to get these trans kids a place to live.
- She really was a badass.
- Yeah.
And so brave like, I would not have been that brave.
In the '60s and '70s? I mean, it was bad enough being black.
- Right.
- But add in a queer identity, and then a a queer gender identity too? It was a lot.
It was a lot.
And she still faced it.
But truly? Black people deserve to be on all this [bleep].
- Mm-hmm.
- Black people and Sacagawea.
Who needs to get off the God damn coin and onto some [bleep] paper money.
(Laughter) - Because this our [bleep].
- Yeah.
Bow down.
(Patriotic music)