Drunk History (2013) s06e08 Episode Script
Drunk Mystery II
1 Tonight on "Drunk Mystery", JD Ryznar shares the citizens of Skidmore's battle with a brutal bully that turned deadly.
Then Lucius Dillon talks of movie producer Thomas Ince and the star-studded soiree that becomes a case of Hollywood whodunnit.
Finally, Ryan Gaul recalls the colonial gossip writer who dotted his I's and crossed his T's.
But when he crossed the Founding Fathers, the headline was murder.
So join us tonight as we open these brand-new mysteries and a few more bottles of booze on "Drunk Mystery.
" [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Champagne.
The finest from France.
[BOTTLE RATTLES.]
All right.
Let the games begin.
Hey.
Hello.
Hey, and hello.
My name is JD Ryznar, and today we're gonna tell you the story of the Skidmore bully and the town that got away with murder.
[MYSTERIOUS CHIMES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
So the story takes place in a small town called Skidmore, Missouri.
Everybody in Skidmore knew each other's names.
They'd walk down the street.
Hey, Jim, how's it going? Oh, I'm real good, Jim.
How are you Oh, Jim, Jim.
Hey, Steve.
No Steves.
Just Jims and also a guy named Bo.
We'll get into that.
The town of Skidmore was cursed by the evil that was Ken McElroy.
This guy was tall.
He had mutton chops.
A mean look on his face all the time.
Look at my mean look.
You don't mess with me.
In case of my big side burns and my mean look aren't intimidating enough, I also have a gun.
I'm the bully of Skidmore.
You all are scared of me.
He was known to steal livestock and trade it for money.
Sell it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- And if anybody ever complained about him, he would do things like hit people in the face with the butt of a shotgun.
Or, like, put a rattlesnake in their mailbox.
And Ken McElroy would be there going, yeah, you know now.
You don't mess with Ken McElroy.
[BELCHES.]
I've drank the whole bottle.
I feel like a million bucks.
I feel drunk as fuck.
This kid McElroy just terrorizing this town.
And one day, two of Ken's daughters walk into a store and they go, I want that candy.
I don't have any money.
Ken McElroy is our dad.
Let's take this candy.
And the store owner, Bo Bowenkamp, saw her steal the candy and was like, Oh, hey, little Mc McElroy girl, listen, let's just put this back on the shelf.
Don't take this candy.
Come back with some money, and buy the candy.
In the world of Ken McElroy, that was the greatest crime Bo Bowenkamp the shopkeeper could have committed.
So Ken McElroy and his wife, Trena, they say, hey, Bo.
Bo, my daughter was trying to steal candy from you.
We can agree on that.
But I don't like that you said she was.
And so Ken McElroy said, just get out of here, 'cause I'm gonna shoot Bo.
And so Trena and the daughters went away and he shot Bo Bowenkamp with his shotgun.
[IMITATES GUNSHOT.]
And just some of the shot from the shotgun hit Bo, and that he bled and they took him to the hospital.
And he survived.
But the whole town is like, we have to do something about Ken McElroy.
I like champagne.
It's a fun wine with bubbles.
And Booze.
So on the morning of July 10, 1981, Ken McElroy enters the D&G Tavern with his wife and a gun with a bayonet on it.
He's like, I'm gonna finish what I started with Bo Bowenkamp.
I'm gonna that means I'm gonna kill him.
'Cause I just started killing him, and I'm gonna finish killing him.
And so somebody from the bar was like, ah, shit, I know what to do.
So Ken McElroy and his wife finish these beers and they walk out to his pickup truck, sat down in his pickup truck, and then out of nowhere, 40, 50, 60 people kind of, like, creepily surrounded the truck.
Ken McElroy lit up a cigarette, and all of a sudden, four shots rang out.
[CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS.]
McElroy's killed.
That's he was killed with four shots, though.
That was only one.
Well, edit four.
Edit it loop it four times.
[CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS TWICE.]
[CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS TWICE.]
All right.
He's dead in his truck.
His wife was like, ahh! My eyes are closed, 'cause there's shots coming.
Who can it be? And it is I'm not I don't know.
People were like, I don't know I don't know what just happened.
We're gonna go home, and we'll just all, like, moonwalk out of here.
It's the early '80s.
I think the moonwalk is a cool thing for us to do.
And with Ken McElroy finally dead, the town is ecstatic.
But the FBI came into Skidmore.
Everybody said, I don't know who shot him.
I didn't see anything.
Could have been everybody, could have been nobody.
And the law said, hey, not enough evidence.
And to this day, we don't know who killed Ken McElroy.
Wow.
[GRUNTS.]
What's going on? There's another bottle of my champagne in the refrigerator in the garage.
Good night, JD.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Hey, now, my name is Lucius Dillon.
Today we're gonna talk about the mysterious death of Thomas Ince.
Was he murdered? Or dead-ed.
Dead.
What? All right, so the year is November of 1924.
Thomas Ince was a big-deal Hollywood producer.
And big, old, huge newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst wanted to get into the movie industry.
Hearst is like, hey, it's your 44th birthday.
Why don't you come to my yacht and we'll take a three-day cruise.
We'll get some celebrities.
We'll sign some contracts to make us business partners.
It's gonna be a great, great, great, great humdinger of a good time, so he was like, great.
So they set out on the yacht.
So it's Hearst and it's Ince and it's actress Marion Davies.
She was Hearst's very unsecretive mistress.
- Ohh.
- And it's Charlie Chaplin, and it's also gossip columnist Louella Parsons.
And other people not famous enough to mention in this story.
So they all go out for three days, but when the boat returns, Thomas Ince was dead.
[GULPS.]
Party over.
The newspaper read "Big Hot Shot Hollywood Producer Shot Dead On Hearst's Boat!" But then, the evening edition said, Ha Ha Ha! Whoops! Just Kidding! He Actually Died Of Heart Failure In Hearst's Home.
[RASPBERRIES.]
So, yeah.
Weird.
But things get more confusing, because at Thomas' funeral, Ince's wife, Elinor, was like, it's so terrible that my husband has died.
Okay, thanks.
Come again.
And then she cremated him immediately and fucked off to Europe.
So that was kind of odd.
We know he's dead.
That's the one fact that we know.
But since there was so many different stories, I mean, it's pretty much like the movie "Clue.
" But we're gonna figure it out.
We're gonna figure it out.
So one of the theories is that Thomas Ince had a problem with ulcers, because he was a big Hollywood producer and had a lot of stress and shit on his mind.
Of course, when he gets on the yacht, champagne's flowing.
They were having hootenannies and bee-baw-billies and blah-blah-blahs, and then Ince is like, oh.
Salted almonds, yes.
I probably shouldn't.
Okay, I'll have 1 or 40.
And then of course when it comes to toasting time, it was like, okay, it's my fucking birthday.
Toast to me.
Love mm But because of that, it ruptured his ulcer, and the next morning, he wakes up with a heart attack not that cool and then died.
That's theory one.
That's theory one.
So theory two is: they're having a great, old time for three days.
Except for Chaplin, who was in his room, alone, suicidal.
Because, like [SIGHS.]
I'm Chaplin.
I'm a big, old genius.
And I hate myself.
Oh, look it here.
There's a diamond-crusted pistol.
Ince comes in, is like, hey, Chappy! What's going on? Look at you.
Are you being funny? No, I'm being depressed.
Look I mean, clearly I have a pistol oh, shit.
I just shot you.
Oh, God.
Oh God.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
God.
[BELCHES.]
Oh.
But here's the prevailing theory: Hearst had a whole yacht party.
Dan-ding, bah-bah Blee-blabbity, bloop-bloop Bing-ding, bah-bah [RASPBERRIES.]
Bing-bong, boo-bah, ooh, ooh Dee-dee, Dee-dil-ee-dee-dee, boo, eh, mm-mm [POPS.]
[BLUBBERS.]
So that so there's a lot of music happening.
- Why did you stop? - [LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
And cut to Ince and Hearst going down the hall.
And Hearst is like, oh, I love Chaplin because he does nice things to my bankroll.
I love Davies because she does nice things to my downstairs.
Oh! They see Chaplin and Davies having some - Sex.
- Yes.
So then back to Hearst had a diamond-crusted pistol and was like, how dare you, Charlie Ma-Chaplin.
Not Ma-Chaplin, but how dare you, Chaplin! I'm going to shoot you both.
So Ince did a slow motion no He makes money for Hollywood.
[RASPBERRIES.]
And someone got shot, and it was Ince.
And he died.
But maybe not.
[LAUGHS.]
So after the incident, everyone was like, so, Louella, you were on the yacht.
What's the scoop? Was it Hearst? Was it Chaplin? Was it Davies? What happened? I saw nothing.
I was not on the yacht.
I was 3,000 miles away.
You didn't even know about it.
[RASPBERRIES.]
She was there.
She didn't say anything.
What do you believe happened? I think that Hearst shot him on the yacht with the revolva revolver.
And he was buying up everyone to shut them the fuck up.
I mean, he bought this gossip columnist.
He bought Ince's wife.
And he got away with it.
Because Hearst owns everything.
He owns all of the newspapers.
He is the Citizen Kane, the rosebud.
And after all that, Hearst said like, hey, everybody, Thomas Ince didn't die of natural causes wait, no, yeah he did die [LAUGHS.]
Thomas Ince did not die of murder.
He died of natural causes.
Nice try.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm Hearst.
And I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.
Good night.
[LAUGHS.]
- Mm.
- Do you have any other theories? No? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Hello.
I'm Ryan Gaul.
And today we're talking about the mysterious death of James Callender.
Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh Mm.
[COUGHS.]
- Mr.
Gaul.
- Yes.
So where does our story begin? - None of your business.
- Okay.
No.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh.
All right.
Richmond, Virginia.
July 17, 1803.
James Callender is found floating face-down in the James River.
How did he get there? - Are you curious? - Very.
Well, in order to find out, we need to go back ten years to 1793.
James Callender, Scottish immigrant, salacious journalist, and a drunk, gets a job as a stenographer with the new Congress.
And he's like, guess what? I don't trust any of these assholes and I don't I don't buy what they're doing.
He is suspicious to the point where he starts digging up information on them.
And so Alexander Hamilton is at a bar, and James Reynolds shows up and says, hey, unless you pay me, I am going to let this story out, that you were [COUGHS.]
B-b-b-banging my wife.
[LAUGHS.]
So Hamilton is writing him a check but more importantly, he's writing the check from the United States Treasury.
So Callender's like, Hamilton's not only having an affair, but he's taking money from our government.
Like, how dare he do that! And he basically, with one article, ruined Hamilton's career.
Hamilton is like, God damn you.
[LAUGHS.]
God [LAUGHS.]
God damn you, James Callender, you son of a bitch.
Gone.
Callender sits back and is like, that's where I get my high.
But out of the shadows comes Thomas Jefferson.
And he was like, hey.
I saw what you did with Hamilton.
Nice work.
Uh, John Adams right now is the sitting president.
Callender goes, uh-duh.
And Jefferson's like, I want to be a president.
Take Adams out.
I will hook you up.
Callender's like, I doubt you can do what I want, because I want to become the Postmaster General of Richmond.
And Jefferson goes, dude, I shit Postmaster Generals of Richmonds for breakfast.
[LAUGHTER.]
And Callender goes, fine.
Let's do it.
Bitches.
Let's do it.
Callender writes a new article.
He calls Adams pro-monarch.
That was bad.
John Adams was sitting there going like, what? No, I'm not.
I am not pro-monarch.
But the people believe it immediately.
So Jefferson becomes president.
But guess who's going to jail? Callender.
Uh, for sedition charges.
Uh, basically, writing to, um create revolt against the government.
And Callender's like, this is pretty rough, but Jefferson promised me this'll be worth it.
And Jefferson is like, holy shit.
I'm president.
Adams is out.
I'm in.
And Callender oh! Holy shit.
Callender's in jail.
Hey.
Hey.
Jerry? Jerry, can we pardon, uh Can we pardon Callender? And Jerry's like, no yeah, we can pardon anyone we want.
You're the goddamn president.
He goes, okay.
Pardon Callender.
He gets out of jail, runs to see Jefferson.
He's like, Thomas [SIGHS.]
That was awesome.
We did it.
Let's make me the Postmaster General of Richmond.
And Jefferson literally was like, yeah, um Jerry, could you please pay Callender uh, $50 and then escort him out? Callender's, like, are you kidding me? I'll take the $50 for sure, but guess what, Jefferson? You wanna mess with me? I got one gun, and that's called gossip.
And ka-pu-possip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Sorry that's my pillow.
So it doesn't matter.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
And so Callender puts out a piece of information so damning, nobody could survive it.
Hey, guess what? Jefferson's not as cool as you think.
Uh, he is having an affair with Sally Hemings.
Who's Sally Hemings? Oh.
Just his slave.
Everyone is like, what? Are you kidding me? What did Jerry think about that pamphlet? [LAUGHS.]
So Jerry is like, did you hear about this? And Jefferson goes, don't put it so close to my face, Jerry.
And Jerry goes, I can do nothing right.
I can do nothing right.
- [LAUGHING.]
- And by the way, Jerry? 80 years old.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHING.]
So Everyone's, like, looking to Jefferson to see what he says.
But guess what? He decides to ignore it.
He just goes, hm.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what you mean.
I don't know.
And he's slowly backing out the door.
And Callender's like, no, no, no, no, no, you can't leave.
You have to address this.
Everybody in my past has addressed these things as they have come up.
And he just goes, no.
Bye.
[LAUGHS.]
And Callender's jaw dropped, like, what did he just pull on me? And because he didn't care, the people didn't really care as much.
They're like, hey, Callender, Callender, nice try, you dink.
His drinking got worse.
He's broke.
And here we are in 1803.
So what happened? Did he walk down to the James River, and maybe he was too wasted and he stumbled? Boom, hit his head, floated out to the middle, and died? It's possible.
Or was something more sinister going on? He had a lot of enemies at that point.
Hamilton, Adams, uh, Jefferson.
They're founding fathers of America, and to think that they are suspects in a murder mystery is sort of mind-blowing.
I mean, try to name three bigger names.
The Rock.
Well, I mean, - when it comes to - Sandra Bullock.
Founding our nation.
Jack McBrayer.
Jack McBrayer is actually the answer we were looking for.
- Congratulations.
- [LAUGHS.]
[AS MCBRAYER.]
Hi, guys.
I murdered James Callender.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm peeing myself.
[LAUGHTER.]
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Life is a mystery.
Everyone must stand alone.
I hear you call my name.
And it feels like home.
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]
Then Lucius Dillon talks of movie producer Thomas Ince and the star-studded soiree that becomes a case of Hollywood whodunnit.
Finally, Ryan Gaul recalls the colonial gossip writer who dotted his I's and crossed his T's.
But when he crossed the Founding Fathers, the headline was murder.
So join us tonight as we open these brand-new mysteries and a few more bottles of booze on "Drunk Mystery.
" [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Champagne.
The finest from France.
[BOTTLE RATTLES.]
All right.
Let the games begin.
Hey.
Hello.
Hey, and hello.
My name is JD Ryznar, and today we're gonna tell you the story of the Skidmore bully and the town that got away with murder.
[MYSTERIOUS CHIMES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
So the story takes place in a small town called Skidmore, Missouri.
Everybody in Skidmore knew each other's names.
They'd walk down the street.
Hey, Jim, how's it going? Oh, I'm real good, Jim.
How are you Oh, Jim, Jim.
Hey, Steve.
No Steves.
Just Jims and also a guy named Bo.
We'll get into that.
The town of Skidmore was cursed by the evil that was Ken McElroy.
This guy was tall.
He had mutton chops.
A mean look on his face all the time.
Look at my mean look.
You don't mess with me.
In case of my big side burns and my mean look aren't intimidating enough, I also have a gun.
I'm the bully of Skidmore.
You all are scared of me.
He was known to steal livestock and trade it for money.
Sell it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- And if anybody ever complained about him, he would do things like hit people in the face with the butt of a shotgun.
Or, like, put a rattlesnake in their mailbox.
And Ken McElroy would be there going, yeah, you know now.
You don't mess with Ken McElroy.
[BELCHES.]
I've drank the whole bottle.
I feel like a million bucks.
I feel drunk as fuck.
This kid McElroy just terrorizing this town.
And one day, two of Ken's daughters walk into a store and they go, I want that candy.
I don't have any money.
Ken McElroy is our dad.
Let's take this candy.
And the store owner, Bo Bowenkamp, saw her steal the candy and was like, Oh, hey, little Mc McElroy girl, listen, let's just put this back on the shelf.
Don't take this candy.
Come back with some money, and buy the candy.
In the world of Ken McElroy, that was the greatest crime Bo Bowenkamp the shopkeeper could have committed.
So Ken McElroy and his wife, Trena, they say, hey, Bo.
Bo, my daughter was trying to steal candy from you.
We can agree on that.
But I don't like that you said she was.
And so Ken McElroy said, just get out of here, 'cause I'm gonna shoot Bo.
And so Trena and the daughters went away and he shot Bo Bowenkamp with his shotgun.
[IMITATES GUNSHOT.]
And just some of the shot from the shotgun hit Bo, and that he bled and they took him to the hospital.
And he survived.
But the whole town is like, we have to do something about Ken McElroy.
I like champagne.
It's a fun wine with bubbles.
And Booze.
So on the morning of July 10, 1981, Ken McElroy enters the D&G Tavern with his wife and a gun with a bayonet on it.
He's like, I'm gonna finish what I started with Bo Bowenkamp.
I'm gonna that means I'm gonna kill him.
'Cause I just started killing him, and I'm gonna finish killing him.
And so somebody from the bar was like, ah, shit, I know what to do.
So Ken McElroy and his wife finish these beers and they walk out to his pickup truck, sat down in his pickup truck, and then out of nowhere, 40, 50, 60 people kind of, like, creepily surrounded the truck.
Ken McElroy lit up a cigarette, and all of a sudden, four shots rang out.
[CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS.]
McElroy's killed.
That's he was killed with four shots, though.
That was only one.
Well, edit four.
Edit it loop it four times.
[CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS TWICE.]
[CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS TWICE.]
All right.
He's dead in his truck.
His wife was like, ahh! My eyes are closed, 'cause there's shots coming.
Who can it be? And it is I'm not I don't know.
People were like, I don't know I don't know what just happened.
We're gonna go home, and we'll just all, like, moonwalk out of here.
It's the early '80s.
I think the moonwalk is a cool thing for us to do.
And with Ken McElroy finally dead, the town is ecstatic.
But the FBI came into Skidmore.
Everybody said, I don't know who shot him.
I didn't see anything.
Could have been everybody, could have been nobody.
And the law said, hey, not enough evidence.
And to this day, we don't know who killed Ken McElroy.
Wow.
[GRUNTS.]
What's going on? There's another bottle of my champagne in the refrigerator in the garage.
Good night, JD.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Hey, now, my name is Lucius Dillon.
Today we're gonna talk about the mysterious death of Thomas Ince.
Was he murdered? Or dead-ed.
Dead.
What? All right, so the year is November of 1924.
Thomas Ince was a big-deal Hollywood producer.
And big, old, huge newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst wanted to get into the movie industry.
Hearst is like, hey, it's your 44th birthday.
Why don't you come to my yacht and we'll take a three-day cruise.
We'll get some celebrities.
We'll sign some contracts to make us business partners.
It's gonna be a great, great, great, great humdinger of a good time, so he was like, great.
So they set out on the yacht.
So it's Hearst and it's Ince and it's actress Marion Davies.
She was Hearst's very unsecretive mistress.
- Ohh.
- And it's Charlie Chaplin, and it's also gossip columnist Louella Parsons.
And other people not famous enough to mention in this story.
So they all go out for three days, but when the boat returns, Thomas Ince was dead.
[GULPS.]
Party over.
The newspaper read "Big Hot Shot Hollywood Producer Shot Dead On Hearst's Boat!" But then, the evening edition said, Ha Ha Ha! Whoops! Just Kidding! He Actually Died Of Heart Failure In Hearst's Home.
[RASPBERRIES.]
So, yeah.
Weird.
But things get more confusing, because at Thomas' funeral, Ince's wife, Elinor, was like, it's so terrible that my husband has died.
Okay, thanks.
Come again.
And then she cremated him immediately and fucked off to Europe.
So that was kind of odd.
We know he's dead.
That's the one fact that we know.
But since there was so many different stories, I mean, it's pretty much like the movie "Clue.
" But we're gonna figure it out.
We're gonna figure it out.
So one of the theories is that Thomas Ince had a problem with ulcers, because he was a big Hollywood producer and had a lot of stress and shit on his mind.
Of course, when he gets on the yacht, champagne's flowing.
They were having hootenannies and bee-baw-billies and blah-blah-blahs, and then Ince is like, oh.
Salted almonds, yes.
I probably shouldn't.
Okay, I'll have 1 or 40.
And then of course when it comes to toasting time, it was like, okay, it's my fucking birthday.
Toast to me.
Love mm But because of that, it ruptured his ulcer, and the next morning, he wakes up with a heart attack not that cool and then died.
That's theory one.
That's theory one.
So theory two is: they're having a great, old time for three days.
Except for Chaplin, who was in his room, alone, suicidal.
Because, like [SIGHS.]
I'm Chaplin.
I'm a big, old genius.
And I hate myself.
Oh, look it here.
There's a diamond-crusted pistol.
Ince comes in, is like, hey, Chappy! What's going on? Look at you.
Are you being funny? No, I'm being depressed.
Look I mean, clearly I have a pistol oh, shit.
I just shot you.
Oh, God.
Oh God.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
God.
[BELCHES.]
Oh.
But here's the prevailing theory: Hearst had a whole yacht party.
Dan-ding, bah-bah Blee-blabbity, bloop-bloop Bing-ding, bah-bah [RASPBERRIES.]
Bing-bong, boo-bah, ooh, ooh Dee-dee, Dee-dil-ee-dee-dee, boo, eh, mm-mm [POPS.]
[BLUBBERS.]
So that so there's a lot of music happening.
- Why did you stop? - [LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
And cut to Ince and Hearst going down the hall.
And Hearst is like, oh, I love Chaplin because he does nice things to my bankroll.
I love Davies because she does nice things to my downstairs.
Oh! They see Chaplin and Davies having some - Sex.
- Yes.
So then back to Hearst had a diamond-crusted pistol and was like, how dare you, Charlie Ma-Chaplin.
Not Ma-Chaplin, but how dare you, Chaplin! I'm going to shoot you both.
So Ince did a slow motion no He makes money for Hollywood.
[RASPBERRIES.]
And someone got shot, and it was Ince.
And he died.
But maybe not.
[LAUGHS.]
So after the incident, everyone was like, so, Louella, you were on the yacht.
What's the scoop? Was it Hearst? Was it Chaplin? Was it Davies? What happened? I saw nothing.
I was not on the yacht.
I was 3,000 miles away.
You didn't even know about it.
[RASPBERRIES.]
She was there.
She didn't say anything.
What do you believe happened? I think that Hearst shot him on the yacht with the revolva revolver.
And he was buying up everyone to shut them the fuck up.
I mean, he bought this gossip columnist.
He bought Ince's wife.
And he got away with it.
Because Hearst owns everything.
He owns all of the newspapers.
He is the Citizen Kane, the rosebud.
And after all that, Hearst said like, hey, everybody, Thomas Ince didn't die of natural causes wait, no, yeah he did die [LAUGHS.]
Thomas Ince did not die of murder.
He died of natural causes.
Nice try.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm Hearst.
And I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.
Good night.
[LAUGHS.]
- Mm.
- Do you have any other theories? No? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Hello.
I'm Ryan Gaul.
And today we're talking about the mysterious death of James Callender.
Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh Mm.
[COUGHS.]
- Mr.
Gaul.
- Yes.
So where does our story begin? - None of your business.
- Okay.
No.
[LAUGHS.]
Uh.
All right.
Richmond, Virginia.
July 17, 1803.
James Callender is found floating face-down in the James River.
How did he get there? - Are you curious? - Very.
Well, in order to find out, we need to go back ten years to 1793.
James Callender, Scottish immigrant, salacious journalist, and a drunk, gets a job as a stenographer with the new Congress.
And he's like, guess what? I don't trust any of these assholes and I don't I don't buy what they're doing.
He is suspicious to the point where he starts digging up information on them.
And so Alexander Hamilton is at a bar, and James Reynolds shows up and says, hey, unless you pay me, I am going to let this story out, that you were [COUGHS.]
B-b-b-banging my wife.
[LAUGHS.]
So Hamilton is writing him a check but more importantly, he's writing the check from the United States Treasury.
So Callender's like, Hamilton's not only having an affair, but he's taking money from our government.
Like, how dare he do that! And he basically, with one article, ruined Hamilton's career.
Hamilton is like, God damn you.
[LAUGHS.]
God [LAUGHS.]
God damn you, James Callender, you son of a bitch.
Gone.
Callender sits back and is like, that's where I get my high.
But out of the shadows comes Thomas Jefferson.
And he was like, hey.
I saw what you did with Hamilton.
Nice work.
Uh, John Adams right now is the sitting president.
Callender goes, uh-duh.
And Jefferson's like, I want to be a president.
Take Adams out.
I will hook you up.
Callender's like, I doubt you can do what I want, because I want to become the Postmaster General of Richmond.
And Jefferson goes, dude, I shit Postmaster Generals of Richmonds for breakfast.
[LAUGHTER.]
And Callender goes, fine.
Let's do it.
Bitches.
Let's do it.
Callender writes a new article.
He calls Adams pro-monarch.
That was bad.
John Adams was sitting there going like, what? No, I'm not.
I am not pro-monarch.
But the people believe it immediately.
So Jefferson becomes president.
But guess who's going to jail? Callender.
Uh, for sedition charges.
Uh, basically, writing to, um create revolt against the government.
And Callender's like, this is pretty rough, but Jefferson promised me this'll be worth it.
And Jefferson is like, holy shit.
I'm president.
Adams is out.
I'm in.
And Callender oh! Holy shit.
Callender's in jail.
Hey.
Hey.
Jerry? Jerry, can we pardon, uh Can we pardon Callender? And Jerry's like, no yeah, we can pardon anyone we want.
You're the goddamn president.
He goes, okay.
Pardon Callender.
He gets out of jail, runs to see Jefferson.
He's like, Thomas [SIGHS.]
That was awesome.
We did it.
Let's make me the Postmaster General of Richmond.
And Jefferson literally was like, yeah, um Jerry, could you please pay Callender uh, $50 and then escort him out? Callender's, like, are you kidding me? I'll take the $50 for sure, but guess what, Jefferson? You wanna mess with me? I got one gun, and that's called gossip.
And ka-pu-possip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Gossip.
Sorry that's my pillow.
So it doesn't matter.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
And so Callender puts out a piece of information so damning, nobody could survive it.
Hey, guess what? Jefferson's not as cool as you think.
Uh, he is having an affair with Sally Hemings.
Who's Sally Hemings? Oh.
Just his slave.
Everyone is like, what? Are you kidding me? What did Jerry think about that pamphlet? [LAUGHS.]
So Jerry is like, did you hear about this? And Jefferson goes, don't put it so close to my face, Jerry.
And Jerry goes, I can do nothing right.
I can do nothing right.
- [LAUGHING.]
- And by the way, Jerry? 80 years old.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHING.]
So Everyone's, like, looking to Jefferson to see what he says.
But guess what? He decides to ignore it.
He just goes, hm.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what you mean.
I don't know.
And he's slowly backing out the door.
And Callender's like, no, no, no, no, no, you can't leave.
You have to address this.
Everybody in my past has addressed these things as they have come up.
And he just goes, no.
Bye.
[LAUGHS.]
And Callender's jaw dropped, like, what did he just pull on me? And because he didn't care, the people didn't really care as much.
They're like, hey, Callender, Callender, nice try, you dink.
His drinking got worse.
He's broke.
And here we are in 1803.
So what happened? Did he walk down to the James River, and maybe he was too wasted and he stumbled? Boom, hit his head, floated out to the middle, and died? It's possible.
Or was something more sinister going on? He had a lot of enemies at that point.
Hamilton, Adams, uh, Jefferson.
They're founding fathers of America, and to think that they are suspects in a murder mystery is sort of mind-blowing.
I mean, try to name three bigger names.
The Rock.
Well, I mean, - when it comes to - Sandra Bullock.
Founding our nation.
Jack McBrayer.
Jack McBrayer is actually the answer we were looking for.
- Congratulations.
- [LAUGHS.]
[AS MCBRAYER.]
Hi, guys.
I murdered James Callender.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm peeing myself.
[LAUGHTER.]
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Life is a mystery.
Everyone must stand alone.
I hear you call my name.
And it feels like home.
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC.]