Duck Dodgers (2003) s02e08 Episode Script

Deathmatch Duck / Deconstructing Dodgers

Status report, Cadet.
His shields have a strange signature.
I've never seen anything like it.
I don't care who he is, he's not getting away.
CADET: This is definitely the ship that attacked Maltese Seven.
Curses.
I had a time share on Maltese Seven.
- He's trying to lose us.
- Follow him and fire weapons.
- I'm just hitting asteroids.
- Keep firing.
[MAN CHUCKLES] Uh-oh.
Uh, the missiles are coming back.
Um, more evasive maneuvers? Missiles evaded, captain.
Whoa.
That is one big shiny rock.
[BOTH GRUNTING] MASATIVO: Why have you attacked my valuable food source? It's a big shiny rock that talks.
MASATIVO: I am Masativo, the living planet.
Those asteroids provide nourishment to me so I declare that your spaceships are too dangerous.
Your skirmish must be settled personally through hand-to-hand combat.
- Sorry, Cadet, good luck.
- No.
The captains themselves will do battle.
Now, listen, you mewling marble, I give the orders around here? MASATIVO: You must use my natural resources to defend yourself.
For if you ever want to leave, you must defeat your alien adversary.
Hmm.
Better get cracking.
Wonder where my adversary is.
[GROWLS] That must be the captain of that mysterious alien ship.
[GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] [SNIFFING] Good luck sniffing me out, pal.
[SNIFFS] New car scent.
[GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] Okay, this will be easy.
I'll use the element of surprise and sneak up on him.
Typical.
[SCREAMS] DODGERS: Oh! Ow! Oof! Oh! Ow! Hey, not my metatarsals.
Ooh! Whoa! Wow! Ouch! Oh! Ooey! Whoa! Aah! What are you doing? Help me.
[DODGERS SCREAMS] Back off, buster.
You're supposed to attack the dummy, just like in rehearsal.
These stunt dummies pack quite a wallop.
They're made to withstand rigorous abuse.
So watch out.
[CHUCKLES] [DODGERS WHISTLES] Here, boy, fetch.
[BARKING] Hmm.
My adversary has overpowering strength but limited intellect.
What I need is a weapon.
But where shall I find said weapon? A weapon, a weapon, my kingdom for a weapon.
But there's none to be found.
So I'll just have to scour the planet for materials from whence I can construct a weapon of my own fabrication.
Yes, there it is.
A perfect specimen from nature's bounty.
That'll make for a great start.
That's weird, all of a sudden I seem shorter.
Funny.
Wonder why that is.
[SCREAMS] Of all the stupid nonsense.
Hmm.
This one looks straight and true.
[DODGERS SIGHS] Once you take these things out, they're always a little loose.
DODGERS: Rings of Saturn musket balls smelted from the dross of the planet's core.
Cotton wadding left over from that stunt dummy.
And Venuvian gun powder made using Mother's own recipe.
Now to load this baby.
[GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] Oh, no.
He's made a stick and a rock.
Powder.
Ball.
Wadding.
Ramrod.
Maybe it's ball, powder, wadding.
Then ram it-- Mayhaps it's wadding-- Ball? Pow-- --der.
[CHUCKLES] Me could watch this all day.
[TAz GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] This is, hands down, the worst hiding place I've ever picked.
I may have better luck with this creature if I infiltrate and attack from within.
Hmm.
The old traditional duck dinner.
Who can resist? [GRUMBLING INDISTINCTLY] DODGERS: Yoo-hoo.
Dinner is served.
- Huh? - Hey there, hungry man.
- Huh? - You know you want it.
Oh, no.
Come on.
I slaved inside a hot stove all day long.
You can't deny that I'm not a magnificent specimen.
I'm free-range.
No steroids.
Um, except for that time I won the Mr.
Universe contest and became Governor of California.
All I ask is that you follow your taste buds, bud.
TAz: Um.
[CHUCKLING] [CHUCKLING] This doesn't make any sense.
Daffy's bigger than Taz and he's standing there in his stomach.
Well, you know it is a cartoon, son.
- Even so.
- What if they do something visually stunning - to take the edge off? - Perhaps.
DODGERS: Glad I saved these golf cleats.
[SINGING] Way deep inside this monster's gullet I'm gonna play [CRICKET CHIRPING] Once again, I've alienated our target demographic.
Maybe I've gotta kick it up a notch.
[SINGING] Way deep inside this monster's gullet I'm gonna play Dum-da-diddily-diddily That's where his guts are churning ever Down where the heartburn lay All up and down the small intestine Bloated up with foam Dum-da-diddily-diddily He's rushing past the point of bursting I think I've broken every bone Doot-doot I win, baby.
Okay, Masativo, I won, so let me go.
MASATIVO: I'm sorry, but I could never set such a clever creature free.
- You must stay here forever.
- Suit yourself, quartzy.
[RUMBLING] MASATIVO: What's that sound? Grinder ships! No! Get us out of here.
[ENGINE STARTS] - Nice work, Cadet.
- Thank you, Captain Dodgers.
I sure am glad we had a contingency plan against living mineral planets.
Yes, I forwarded Masativo's coordinates to the Galactic Shopping Network just like you ordered.
With a crystal that size, they can flood the galaxy with cheap costume jewelry for years to come.
ROBOT: I'm sorry, Dr.
I.
Q.
Hi, but you're flight has been delayed.
But I'm the keynote speaker at the Interstellar Isotope Convention.
Monolith Space Lines feels your pain, sir but all seats on your flight have been booked by the cast of Britney-mania.
Will that cursed road show ever end? QUEEN: Well, isn't this a small solar system? Hello, Ignatius.
Your flight was canceled too? Queen Tira-Nee, what are you doing here? QUEEN: The Martian Centurions are on strike, grounding all royal starships.
Lucky for me, I had all those frequent flyer miles.
So how is he? - Who? - The one who captured my heart.
Dodgers? No offense, Your Highness, but you could do better.
QUEEN: How can you say that? Dodgers is the bravest captain in the Protectorate fleet.
Brave? Are we talking about the same duck? He wasn't exactly a paragon of fortitude the time I gave in to his demand to be an ambassador.
He went to the wrong address and nearly met his end aboard a haunted space station.
[ROARS] [BOTH SCREAM] [MEOWS] It's just a harmless little kitten.
Here, kitty, kitty.
[CAT SCREECHES] DODGERS: Get it off me.
Get it off me.
Use the paralysis ray.
[PURRING] [HISSES THEN MEOWS] Nice shooting, Tex.
- Now hold still.
- Very funny.
[SCREAMS] [CAT SCREECHES] [DODGERS YELLING] Okay, kitty.
Time to go.
The joke's over.
QUEEN: So he wasn't brave at all? Well, he did encounter a deadly space vampire, though Cadet actually destroyed the monster.
Dodgers was simply off to the side, dancing around like a madman.
QUEEN: I'm sure the incident with the kitten was an anomaly.
He's usually very good with animals, isn't he? Hmm.
Well.
Huzzah! [EAGLE SCREECHES] [DODGERS SCREAMS] Huh? Leeches! Come here, my timid woodland creature.
Don't be afraid.
[SCREAMING] [SINGING] I'm a little daffodil Strong and proud am I Aah! Bees.
Wasps.
Hornets.
Get them off me.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] [SCREAMS] [SCREAMING] No, no, no.
DODGERS: Oh, Cadet, bring the first-aid kit.
Good with animals? In a word, no.
Well, at least he's a stylish dresser.
Sure, heh.
When he manages to pick up the right suit.
Hello? Anybody home? How about a little service? [SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] You're not the regular guy.
Where's Louie? I need to pick up my uniform.
Listen carefully.
Need to pick up my green uniform.
Ah, charades, the universal language.
That's a prom dress.
That's a gorilla suit.
Santa Claus outfit.
Wedding dress.
Muumuu.
Nehru jacket.
Karategi.
You know, I have absolutely no idea what that is.
Tuxedo.
Ringmaster's uniform.
Priestly vestments.
Look, I just want my green suit.
[DOOR OPENS] [SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] Louie.
About time.
Louie, where did you find this guy? Ta-da.
Thanks, Louie.
You're the greatest.
Turns out he walked away with a Batman suit.
QUEEN: So he's fashion challenged.
I know he's a good driver.
I saw him win a race once.
Oh, racers are one thing.
It's the big, slow models he can't handle.
I love being way up in one of these big things.
- It's so much easier to see over all the traffic.
CADET: Uh-huh.
Wow.
That's pretty steep.
I don't think we can make it.
Of course we can.
That's what this baby was designed for.
Just you watch.
I'll give it a little extra gas.
And we're up.
Oh, dear.
We're stuck.
Never fear, Cadet.
We'll simply use this winch to extricate ourselves from this predicament.
I'll just aim this razor-sharp harpoon at the top of the cliff and pull ourselves up.
Will that cable really hold all this weight? Of course.
Activating winch.
All right, here we go.
[BOTH GRUNT] See, I told you the cable would hold.
[CABLE SNAPS] QUEEN: Oh, I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in some interminable compilation of my beloved's secret failures.
Incidents that for whatever reason, most likely time, were never made public until now.
Surely Dodgers has distinguished himself in some other field of endeavor? Possibly, he's tried almost all of them.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Lone Star System Intergalactic Rodeo.
It's a spectacular day for bull riding.
Oh, no.
Champion buckaroo Archie Richards has been thrown by the fierce Venusian astro-bull Diablo.
[ROARS] But rest easy, folks, here comes the fearless rodeo clown.
Hi there, you must be Diablo.
I'm new on the job.
But from what I understand, I'm to lure you away with my clownish shenanigans.
So here it goes.
Care for a drink, lummox? [GIBBERS] I'm a crazy clown.
[GROWLING] Look at me, I'm a silly-- [SCREAMING] Whoo-whee! That sure is one ticked-off bull.
Aah! Save me.
I've always hated clowns.
Yipe! You've perforated my pancreas.
I quit.
So, Captain Dodgers, what do you know about cosmetics? - Not a thing.
- Well, this job shouldn't be too hard.
Why don't you start with that client over there? Aye, aye, skipper.
- May I get some help, please? - Good afternoon, madam.
Would you like to sample one of our latest products? Perhaps a dash of this unshakable foundation? A dose of glittery glossifiers.
And last but not least, a spritz of eau de toilette parfum.
What do you think, boss? You are so fired.
Come on, boys, we're falling behind.
Don't worry, Mr.
Neighborly.
I've got everything well in hand.
Hmm.
- What's the matter, sir? - I think these glasses are broken.
I can't read a thing.
Maybe you should try reading the front side.
Heh, heh.
Yeah, well.
How could anybody be that stupid? Oh, yeah? Well, maybe these are, um, those x-ray glasses.
The ones that let you see right through stuff.
[WOMAN GASPS] And you told me you had astigmatism.
Nobody respects that not-hitting-a-guy- with-glasses thing anymore.
And that's not even counting his failed attempts at theater usher, ocelot feeder - organ donor, and taxidermist.
- And here I believed he really was a hero.
Oh, now, wait, wait.
He's not a total washout.
I have it on excellent authority that he was a college football hero.
QUEEN: A football hero? [LAUGHS] Oh, Ignatius.
My loyal commander told me the real story behind that.
He went back into the past to make sure Dodgers did not fulfill his destiny.
COMMANDER: Four a.
m.
, time to rise and shine, sleepyhead.
Two dozen raw eggs.
Plenty of protein to get you off to a good start.
Oh, boy, a bucket of sloppy eggs.
Just like mother used to make.
Mother always used to finish with a chaser of warm, rancid mayonnaise.
[GASPS] [COMMANDER RETCHES] Weak constitution.
Just like Mother.
COMMANDER: I'll place the chicken on the ground and when it scurries, you try to catch it.
What an excellent way to develop my speed and coordination.
Okay, get ready.
Wahoo! COMMANDER: Maybe I need to find a more aggressive chicken.
DODGERS: I got you.
Aah! Get it off me.
[GRUNTING] [SCREAMS] COMMANDER: Oh, dear.
[BOTH SCREAM] [BOTH LAUGHING] Well, that explains his psychotic fear of the clergy.
QUEEN: Now that we've shared our different perspectives I can see I was a bit dazzled by Dodgers.
I saw bravery in him when there was just recklessness praised his ingenuity when he had survived by dumb luck.
Man, I was a ditz.
ROBOT [OVER PA]: Dr.
I.
Q.
Hi, please proceed to Gate 7 for immediate boarding.
Well, that's my flight.
Don't take it too hard, Your Highness.
Dodgers does have a certain infectious charm.
I guess that's why I haven't fired him yet.
Ta-ta.
QUEEN: Yes, that cursed infectious charm.
I wonder if he's busy tonight.
[English - US -SDH]