Duck Dodgers (2003) s02e09 Episode Script

MMORPD / Old McDodgers

COMPUTER: Initializing environmental geography.
Adding virtual characters.
[SQUEAKS] [CROAKS] COMPUTER: Online game matrix complete.
[SINGING] In sorcery and mystery Dressed up in silk and croonin' I play this game from dawn to night But I've never kissed a woman Ha, ha! Ahoy there, paunchy padre.
It is I, wandering adventurer, Lord Error Prone the Stumbler.
And I demand to inspectus what is in thy cart.
Yikes! And away.
If I remember correctly, this doesn't end well.
[YELLS] [THUD] Ew.
[LAUGHS] [FLIES BUzzlNG] - You enjoyed that, didn't you? - Um.
Well, I think this full-immersion fantasy role-playing game of yours stinks.
[SNIFFS] Quite literally, actually.
Please, Captain Dodgers, you just started playing.
I'm sure you'll grow to love the game.
This stuff is for disconnected losers.
But you have to meet my online friends.
With all the hours I put in at work it's the only social interaction I have left.
The prosecution rests.
[MEDIEVAL FOLK MUSIC PLAYING] [CHATTERING] Comrades, allow me to introduce my bestest pal.
Good old Error Prone the Stumbler.
Greetings, Internet zombies and other friendless shut-ins.
With absolutely no sense of humor.
This here is Ellomold, enchantress from the fairy realm.
So, what do you say you and I ditch these farmhands, toots? I would rather kiss an orc.
Well, I don't have any idea who you might be in real life.
Kiss me, my lord.
Ew! You have insulted my honor.
Can I borrow that thing a minute? Thank you.
[CHORTLES] [GIGGLES] [SNICKERS] Pointless.
This, my lord, is Master Scamwise of the wee people.
I am a master thief.
You are a master dork.
And that's Ragnar the Barbarian.
- Newbie.
- I hate to break up this fellowship of the dinks, but I quit.
Maybe I can find myself a nice game of Yahtzee.
[THUNDER CRASHING] [CACKLING] [ALL YELLING] [CACKLING] [ALL YELLING] Unh.
Where's Lord Error Prone? - I don't know.
- Beats me.
Uh, I haven't seen him.
- Are you here, Lord Error Prone? - Present.
Come closer, dearies.
Lezah the Wicked has a quest for you.
This Lezah another friend of yours? - No.
Pretty sure she's the bad guy.
- Ah.
I command you do-gooders to rescue the princess locked in the Citadel of Insanity.
- Is this princess beautiful? - More than beautiful.
And will we have to search through treacherous lands to find this citadel? Beyond treacherous.
Typical.
All right, Grandma, if it means I get to go home sooner, I'll find your stupid princess.
Perfect.
Goodbye, dearies.
[CACKLES] Where should we begin our quest, Lord Error Prone? How about over yonder? That looks like a good place to start.
DODGERS: It's the swamp of immediate psychosis.
So stick close, lest one of us run into-- --any unforeseen danger.
[THUD] Who put a tree right here in the swamp? [BRITISH ACCENT] Quite sorry, old bean.
Hey, who's talking? I do hope you're not injured.
A talking tree? Why, yes.
I am the old man of the forest.
Look, box elder.
A modern audience just won't accept talking plants.
Oh, well, I guess you're right.
I have overstayed my welcome.
How embarrassing.
Woody, you gonna be all right? TREE: Oh, yes, it's off to the paper mill for me.
Wouldn't want a modern audience to have to deal with something as out-of-date as a talking tree.
- Loved your work in The Wizard of Oz.
TREE: Ah, yes.
The bit with the apples.
Thank you.
[RAGNAR SOBBING] I love that tree, dude.
DODGERS: In order to rescue the princess we must cross through the tomb of inordinate lunacy.
But those doors look mighty indeed.
Even Ragnar's great strength would not be enough to open them.
- Hmph.
- We must hatch a plan.
[GRUNTS] You seem to have stumbled onto a solution.
Play their strengths, I always say.
The tomb is laden with booby traps and many hidden dangers.
We shall follow in thy dainty footsteps.
Chivalry is dead.
See, this game isn't so bad.
Speak for yourself.
You don't have a scaredy-Scam hiding in your costume.
This is only a game.
This is only a game.
- I found a way out.
- Great.
- Wonderful.
- That wasn't so bad.
- Do you mind? - Sorry.
Hurry, Lord Error Prone.
Whoops.
- z o u n d s! - Hurry! Hurry! - I'm hurrying.
- You got it.
You got it.
Yeah, baby! Whoops.
Figures.
[CREATURE GROWLING] [ALL GROWLING] Shades of Ray Harryhausen.
You can take them.
You can do it.
[CHUCKLES] Maybe I should just work on getting this gate open.
[SCREAMING] Oh.
How's he doing? This is a harmless virtual environment, right? Ha, ha.
Hey-hey.
Hee-hee.
Harry.
Ho-ho.
Ya-ha.
Take that.
[SKELETON 1 GROWLS] [ALL GRUNTING] These guys are dumber than the Martian robots.
[SKELETON 2 HISSING] Take this.
Direct hit.
[HISSING] That's just not fair.
- Can we discuss this like rational beings? CADET: Psst.
Lord Error Prone.
- What? - Reach deep down inside yourself.
We weren't doing the corny-coach thing anymore.
No, really.
Reach down inside yourself.
- Huh? Scamwise.
- Hello.
Get ready for the Brunswick special.
Strike! Eat your heart out, Earl Anthony.
Hurry.
My magics won't hold these gates open for long.
I'd love to stay and play, but I have a previous engagement.
[SCREAMING] - Close the gate! Close the gate! - There.
And I think this belongs to me.
DODGERS: There she is, adventurers.
The Citadel of Insanity.
But how shall we scale its lofty walls? Heh, Ragnar knows.
Expound on thy theory, gentle giant.
RAGNAR: Oh.
Ragnar shoot duck like arrow.
Heh.
Totally.
[DODGERS GRUNTS] DODGERS: Okay, begin with the climbing.
Hold up.
I think this might be it.
Fear not.
Lord Error Prone is here to rescue-- [YELLS] While I was trapped in this prison, only my spirit could wander the lands.
But now you've set me free.
Uh, you do find me beautiful, don't you? Uh.
Maybe after a sizzling dwarven seltzer.
Kiss me, my lord.
How's about a little help here? I think you make a lovely couple.
Give me that.
Bippety, boppety-- I'm some cook.
[IN FRENCH ACCENT] And now for that kiss you were talking about.
Mm.
COMPUTER: Galactic server shutdown.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] No, no, not now! Oh! - I wanna keep playing.
- Sorry, captain.
Ugh.
And just when I was gonna kiss the beautiful girl.
Well, like you said, you can never tell what these people are like in real life.
Yeah, she was probably a 350-pound oaf living in his mother's storm cellar.
Oh, pooh.
And just when I was about to kiss the handsome Lord Error Prone.
I wonder if I can find myself a nice game of Yahtzee.
COMPUTER: Fertilization process complete.
Fields ready for planting.
Begin seeding process.
[WALL CRASHES] - Howdy, Cadet.
- Howdy, Captain Dodgers.
Let's commence to planting.
I brought my favorite tractor, Old Rust.
But, sir, we don't use outmoded equipment like that.
This is a state-of-the-art And the crops we grow here will provide valuable fresh produce for the residents of the Protectorate Research Station.
Look, little piggy.
I know everything I need to know about agriculture.
Farming's in my blood.
After all, I was raised on a farm.
- You were? - Uh, either that or maybe I watched an old episode of Green Acres.
I don't know, captain.
If we don't succeed, the people on that research station will have to live on processed food pellets.
[IN SOUTHERN DRAWL] Why, I've got manure flowing through my veins.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm a regular Luther Burbank.
Don't worry, kids.
I don't know who that is either.
Push faster, hogwort.
We got soil to till.
I'm not really out of gas but I figure he can stand to lose about 15 pounds.
DODGERS: Grow.
Grow, my tiny bean sprout.
Climb to the sky.
Aah! Sometimes these beans are so literal.
CADET: Ow! Tee-hee.
Here, chick, chick, chick.
Here, chick, chick, chick.
Aah! Whoa, oh! Ow, ow, ow! Whoa! Ow, ow, ow! Well, I have to admit, you've really transformed this space farm.
[IN SOUTHERN DRAWL] Why, thank you, Cadet.
I'm right proud of it.
I guess you really do have manure flowing through your veins.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What a beautiful vibrant healthy--Aah! A weed.
No weed's gonna ruin this duck's beautiful agrarian paradise.
Lucky I borrowed this little contraption from the Martians.
Whoa! - Ah, sustenance.
- We're saved.
And I thought we'd surely perish in that dreadful box.
Yes, chalk it up to good clean living, old chum.
- After you.
- Oh, no, no.
After you.
- Are you certain? - Oh, yes.
Oh.
You're too good to me.
But do heed my warning.
I'll be hot on your tail.
[BOTH LAUGHING] Okay, let's give this baby a try.
That weed will wish it never sprouted.
[GRUNTS] Hmm.
One of these buttons has gotta start this thing.
There we go-- Oh! Ee-ay-ee-ay-oh! [GASPS] [PANTING] Hmm.
Well, what do you know? A little old weed.
Call the International Planet of Pancakes and tell them their butter's ready.
Cadet, we're in a real pickle.
We've gotta get rid of a nasty weed.
- You mean this nasty weed? - Wahoo! You did it! The crops is saved! Just look at all this beautiful produce.
Yes, sir, a regular nature's bounty.
- Just look at all this beautiful produce.
- A regular nature's bounty.
There's just so much, I can't make up my mind.
Well, then, we shall just have to eat everything.
GOPHERS: Apple don-zah! No.
Not my children.
There.
GOPHER 1: Oh, dear.
Look at this one.
Ugh.
- It has a hideous growth.
GOPHER 2: How disgusting.
Definitely not a keeper.
Martian gophers.
The greatest scourge in the solar system.
GOPHER 1: Guilty as charged.
[GOPHERS LAUGHING] [DODGERS LAUGHS MANIACALLY] What do you have there? Some sort of gopher poison? Nope.
Even better.
Gum.
This shall be enlightening.
I've planted gum in every one of these gopher holes.
They can't resist the stuff.
But their systems can't handle it.
Ha-ha-ha! Gums up the works, you know? Well, best of luck.
Where does he get these stupid ideas? Hey.
Eloise hasn't failed me yet.
And I got that stain out of your pants, didn't I? They're probably in pretty bad shape by now.
GOPHER 1: Oh, dear.
Look at all the swelling.
I don't think I've ever seen anything get so big so fast.
Oh, careful.
It's going to pop.
Huh? [BUBBLE BURSTS] I'm gonna need a bag of ice cubes and some paper towels soaked in lemon juice.
Ah, behold.
The last morsel of delectable vegetation.
Oh, it's simply gorgeous.
- Would you care to finish it off, old boy? - May I? It would be my pleasure.
Oh.
I got it.
I got it.
Ha-ha-ha.
[LAUGHS] All right, I hates you meeces to pieces.
[POWERS UP] Oh, dear.
Come back here, you rascally rodents.
Klondike Kat always gets his mouse.
He has to run out of other people's catchphrases sooner or later.
Yes.
That last one was a bit of a stretch, if you ask me.
Approaching Galactic Protectorate Research Station.
Beginning docking procedures.
DODGERS: Come out, come out, wherever you are.
I do believe that surface dweller is intent on destroying us.
[BEEPING] Or destroying his ship.
[BEEPING] Explosions? The engines are off-line.
PETERS [ON SCREEN]: Protectorate spacecraft this is Captain Adrian Peters of the research station.
Please stop your ship.
We haven't opened our doors yet.
Um, you might wanna clear your docking bay.
I think we lost him.
Here's ducky.
MAN: Run! Look out! Watch it! [YELLING] [PANTING] [SIGHS] [SCREAMS] Lieutenant, whose starship is sticking out of my research station? - Duck Dodgers', sir.
- Dodgers.
Don't worry, Cadet.
I'll handle these Protectorate slobs.
Did you ever find the gophers? - What gophers? - Never mind.
Ah, Captain Dodgers.
I trust you brought my fresh produce? Well, you're not gonna believe this but no.
But you still have plenty of those delicious food pellets.
Oh, would you look at all these scrumptious processed morsels? Absolutely fabulous.
Why, it will take hours to eat all these.
[BOTH LAUGHING] [English - US -SDH]