Eagleheart (2010) s02e03 Episode Script
Silly Sammy
Zachary, you're gonna be late.
What is all this? I don't know.
[ School bus horn beeps .]
We'll talk about this when you get home.
Oh! Oh.
Zachary? There's an organ thief on the loose in Elmwood Park.
The victim's are all married couples.
Chris: Why would somebody want to steal organs from corpses? I didn't say they were dead.
Chris: You said they were married.
Pow! Brett: Ha ha.
Pow! Are you drunk, Monsanto? Chris: So what? Let's take a look at the photos here, Cappie.
Susie: Wow.
The spelling is awful.
Brett: Yeah.
Huh.
I know.
They're all gonna find out you can't read.
We suspect that kids are somehow behind this.
You three are gonna go undercover and throw a slumber party.
Susie: You want to use us as bait? Here's your cover story -- you are Mort and Irene, an aging, childless couple.
One day, Mort's low-life brother, Burt, came to visit, unannounced.
It wasn't long before Burt was giving it to Irene on a steady basis.
I mean, not that Mort cares, really.
It had been so long since he had any sensation in that creamy nub he called a penis that he forgot what it felt like to be a man.
Susie: Okay.
What about the slumber party? Let me finish.
In what could only be taken as a cruel joke, Irene decided to host a slumber party for the neighborhood children, filling their joyless home with the playful young voices that Mort's cloopy cheese dick could never provide.
Susie: But if we have to be asleep when they try to steal That way, if someone tries to steal them, Kapow.
[ Spits .]
Son of a bitch! Brett: Hey, kids.
Come on in, guys.
Susie: Aww, there you go.
Brett: Hi.
Susie: [ Laughs .]
Chris: Any one of these scumbags our guy? Susie: I can't tell.
They all look like psychopaths at this age.
Chris, stop drinking.
Chris: Oh.
Hey, kids, want to have some fun? All: Yeah! Chris: Knock yourselves out, scum.
Brett: Guess it's time to get on the old Snoozetown express, huh? Good thing I got my passport and my ticket and money for snacks -- 50 snooze bucks, the only type of money they accept in Snoozetown.
Oh, no.
I can't find my snooze bucks.
Nobody likes you, Brett.
Susie: All right.
Goodnight, guys.
Chris: See you guys next spring.
[ Grunts .]
Oh, yeah.
Susie: [ Humming .]
[ Alarm clock blaring .]
Chris: Okay, I'll get up.
[ Smooching .]
[ Alarm stops .]
Oh! Ah.
Oh, they got me.
Okay, they got my kidneys and, great, the liver.
Susie: Oh, they got my liver, too.
And my ovaries.
Chris: Eh, big loss.
I bet those empty egg cartons were filled with pure oxygen.
They probably floated off on their own.
Brett.
Brett: What? Chris: Brett.
Did you take our organs? Brett: You mean the ones you stole form Tommy tumbles? Chris: Okay.
What? Brett: Oh, yeah.
I found out all about it last night from Silly Sammy.
I couldn't get to sleep after that duck got all in my head, so I went downstairs to hang out with my new best PS, who just happened to be watching my favorite late-night kids show, "Sammy" with Silly Sammy.
Hey, kids.
Are the grown-ups sleeping? Good, because there's something I want to tell you about, and it's not easy.
It's about my good friend Tommy tumbles.
Tommy's not well.
And you know why? Because your parents stole his organs.
They stole the precious insides from this tender tumbler lying here tonight.
How you doing, "T"? I'm tired, Sammy, but I'm hanging on.
[ Weakly .]
I got to get up.
I got to make the kids smile.
No.
Just lie down.
Just rest, my friend.
You'll be okay.
He won't be okay unless you help him get his organs back.
Do you think you could do that? All: Yeah! Brett: Yeah, Sammy! Here's what you need to do to save Tommy.
Oh first you take your scalpel, and then you take a pen make a lateral incision across the abdomen you locate all the organs -- kidneys, heart, and spleen use some bacitracin to keep them nice and clean oh, you clamp off the arteries and pop the goodies out a snip here, a snip there, that's what it's all about put them in the icebox before they get all clammy Brett: and now it's time to send them off to good old Silly Sammy [ Laughs .]
Susie: You memorized the whole song? Brett: Yeah.
He sings it every show.
Chris: Well, I guess we got to get down there to that Silly Sammy's studio and give that clown a pie in the face.
And by "pie," I mean a hollow-point bullet.
And by "face" -- well, actually, "face" kind of works there, doesn't it? Brett: Let me get this straight.
I'm gonna get to kill Silly Sammy in person?! Chris: Well, Brett, we'll see, okay? We'll see.
Brett: [ Laughs .]
Susie: No one's here.
Chris: Uh, hold on a second, eggs mcnothin'.
What's that? Susie: "Closed for private event.
" Brett: Come on, guys.
Ladies and gentlemen, your host for the evening, Mr.
Sampson Hidler.
Brett: Sampson? Friends, I present to you the finest black-market organs that money can buy.
Brett: Sammy, no.
Have you ever noticed that everything fun is bad for you? Well, not anymore it isn't.
Finally, you can drink all night and swap out your liver in the morning.
You can do all the cocaine you want with your very own blow nose.
Brett: Sammy, don't.
Crystal meth is bad for your lungs.
That's why you don't have to use your lungs.
Brett: Don't.
And it isn't cheating on your wife if you strap on our patentedparty dink.
Brett: Sammy, do-o-o-n't.
Our first item up for auction tonight is a mint-condition male stomach.
Brett: Tommy tumbles.
He's not sick.
Time to grow up, Brett.
Brett: You lied to me! Get him! [ Grunts .]
Aaaah! [ Shudders .]
[ Squealing .]
[ Punches landing .]
Show's over, marshals.
And for my final joke, I'm gonna blow your heads off.
Susie: You tell jokes? Chris: Uh, Silly Sammy, wait a second.
You know, we're not here to kill you.
Um, we're here to help you make money.
I'm listening.
Chris: Well, you need organs, right? Well, we're U.
S.
marshals.
We kill people all day.
We're lousy with organs.
You'll give me your dead people's organs? Chris: All of them.
You jut said the magic word "Organs.
" You got yourselves a deal.
Chris: Great.
How about a little celebratory crystal meth.
Chris: Uh, sure.
Well, that sounds good.
Uh, just one question.
Do you mind if we get our own personal organs back? Yeah, yeah.
No problem.
But I got to warn you, I don't got a lot of meth, and I smoke it really fast, so Chris: I'm sure you do.
Okay, well, thank you very much.
Ovaries.
Bet those empty egg cartons were filled with pure oxygen.
Liver.
Are you drunk, Monsanto? Chris: So what? Susie: Chris, stop drinking.
Drinking.
Drinking.
Chris, come on downstairs.
I just pissed all over your Hanukkah presents.
[ Thuds .]
Susie: [ Echoing .]
Drinking.
Chris: Hmm.
One whiskey-soaked liver and one set of ovaries filled with nothing but pure oxygen.
Here we go.
Brett: Mm.
Tomorrow's episode of "Silly Sammy" is gonna be weird.
A great job on the case, gang.
Thanks to your lifelong alcoholism and your decrepit lady parts, we were able to bust up the entire ring.
Chris: Thanks a lot there, captain.
Good night, guys.
Chris: Good night, captain.
Irene, I'm home.
What, do you want a parade? You old bowl of soup.
Anything for dinner? Uh, there's a half a loaf of bread in the icebox.
I'm gonna take a nap in Burt's room.
Try not to make too much noise.
Oh, and that package came for you.
"Dear captain, after we took down Silly Sammy, we returned all the organs to their rightful owners, but there was still one body part unaccounted for.
If you happen to find it, take it for a spin around the block for us, would you?" A party dink.
Irene, I'd like to see you In our bedroom.
What is all this? I don't know.
[ School bus horn beeps .]
We'll talk about this when you get home.
Oh! Oh.
Zachary? There's an organ thief on the loose in Elmwood Park.
The victim's are all married couples.
Chris: Why would somebody want to steal organs from corpses? I didn't say they were dead.
Chris: You said they were married.
Pow! Brett: Ha ha.
Pow! Are you drunk, Monsanto? Chris: So what? Let's take a look at the photos here, Cappie.
Susie: Wow.
The spelling is awful.
Brett: Yeah.
Huh.
I know.
They're all gonna find out you can't read.
We suspect that kids are somehow behind this.
You three are gonna go undercover and throw a slumber party.
Susie: You want to use us as bait? Here's your cover story -- you are Mort and Irene, an aging, childless couple.
One day, Mort's low-life brother, Burt, came to visit, unannounced.
It wasn't long before Burt was giving it to Irene on a steady basis.
I mean, not that Mort cares, really.
It had been so long since he had any sensation in that creamy nub he called a penis that he forgot what it felt like to be a man.
Susie: Okay.
What about the slumber party? Let me finish.
In what could only be taken as a cruel joke, Irene decided to host a slumber party for the neighborhood children, filling their joyless home with the playful young voices that Mort's cloopy cheese dick could never provide.
Susie: But if we have to be asleep when they try to steal That way, if someone tries to steal them, Kapow.
[ Spits .]
Son of a bitch! Brett: Hey, kids.
Come on in, guys.
Susie: Aww, there you go.
Brett: Hi.
Susie: [ Laughs .]
Chris: Any one of these scumbags our guy? Susie: I can't tell.
They all look like psychopaths at this age.
Chris, stop drinking.
Chris: Oh.
Hey, kids, want to have some fun? All: Yeah! Chris: Knock yourselves out, scum.
Brett: Guess it's time to get on the old Snoozetown express, huh? Good thing I got my passport and my ticket and money for snacks -- 50 snooze bucks, the only type of money they accept in Snoozetown.
Oh, no.
I can't find my snooze bucks.
Nobody likes you, Brett.
Susie: All right.
Goodnight, guys.
Chris: See you guys next spring.
[ Grunts .]
Oh, yeah.
Susie: [ Humming .]
[ Alarm clock blaring .]
Chris: Okay, I'll get up.
[ Smooching .]
[ Alarm stops .]
Oh! Ah.
Oh, they got me.
Okay, they got my kidneys and, great, the liver.
Susie: Oh, they got my liver, too.
And my ovaries.
Chris: Eh, big loss.
I bet those empty egg cartons were filled with pure oxygen.
They probably floated off on their own.
Brett.
Brett: What? Chris: Brett.
Did you take our organs? Brett: You mean the ones you stole form Tommy tumbles? Chris: Okay.
What? Brett: Oh, yeah.
I found out all about it last night from Silly Sammy.
I couldn't get to sleep after that duck got all in my head, so I went downstairs to hang out with my new best PS, who just happened to be watching my favorite late-night kids show, "Sammy" with Silly Sammy.
Hey, kids.
Are the grown-ups sleeping? Good, because there's something I want to tell you about, and it's not easy.
It's about my good friend Tommy tumbles.
Tommy's not well.
And you know why? Because your parents stole his organs.
They stole the precious insides from this tender tumbler lying here tonight.
How you doing, "T"? I'm tired, Sammy, but I'm hanging on.
[ Weakly .]
I got to get up.
I got to make the kids smile.
No.
Just lie down.
Just rest, my friend.
You'll be okay.
He won't be okay unless you help him get his organs back.
Do you think you could do that? All: Yeah! Brett: Yeah, Sammy! Here's what you need to do to save Tommy.
Oh first you take your scalpel, and then you take a pen make a lateral incision across the abdomen you locate all the organs -- kidneys, heart, and spleen use some bacitracin to keep them nice and clean oh, you clamp off the arteries and pop the goodies out a snip here, a snip there, that's what it's all about put them in the icebox before they get all clammy Brett: and now it's time to send them off to good old Silly Sammy [ Laughs .]
Susie: You memorized the whole song? Brett: Yeah.
He sings it every show.
Chris: Well, I guess we got to get down there to that Silly Sammy's studio and give that clown a pie in the face.
And by "pie," I mean a hollow-point bullet.
And by "face" -- well, actually, "face" kind of works there, doesn't it? Brett: Let me get this straight.
I'm gonna get to kill Silly Sammy in person?! Chris: Well, Brett, we'll see, okay? We'll see.
Brett: [ Laughs .]
Susie: No one's here.
Chris: Uh, hold on a second, eggs mcnothin'.
What's that? Susie: "Closed for private event.
" Brett: Come on, guys.
Ladies and gentlemen, your host for the evening, Mr.
Sampson Hidler.
Brett: Sampson? Friends, I present to you the finest black-market organs that money can buy.
Brett: Sammy, no.
Have you ever noticed that everything fun is bad for you? Well, not anymore it isn't.
Finally, you can drink all night and swap out your liver in the morning.
You can do all the cocaine you want with your very own blow nose.
Brett: Sammy, don't.
Crystal meth is bad for your lungs.
That's why you don't have to use your lungs.
Brett: Don't.
And it isn't cheating on your wife if you strap on our patentedparty dink.
Brett: Sammy, do-o-o-n't.
Our first item up for auction tonight is a mint-condition male stomach.
Brett: Tommy tumbles.
He's not sick.
Time to grow up, Brett.
Brett: You lied to me! Get him! [ Grunts .]
Aaaah! [ Shudders .]
[ Squealing .]
[ Punches landing .]
Show's over, marshals.
And for my final joke, I'm gonna blow your heads off.
Susie: You tell jokes? Chris: Uh, Silly Sammy, wait a second.
You know, we're not here to kill you.
Um, we're here to help you make money.
I'm listening.
Chris: Well, you need organs, right? Well, we're U.
S.
marshals.
We kill people all day.
We're lousy with organs.
You'll give me your dead people's organs? Chris: All of them.
You jut said the magic word "Organs.
" You got yourselves a deal.
Chris: Great.
How about a little celebratory crystal meth.
Chris: Uh, sure.
Well, that sounds good.
Uh, just one question.
Do you mind if we get our own personal organs back? Yeah, yeah.
No problem.
But I got to warn you, I don't got a lot of meth, and I smoke it really fast, so Chris: I'm sure you do.
Okay, well, thank you very much.
Ovaries.
Bet those empty egg cartons were filled with pure oxygen.
Liver.
Are you drunk, Monsanto? Chris: So what? Susie: Chris, stop drinking.
Drinking.
Drinking.
Chris, come on downstairs.
I just pissed all over your Hanukkah presents.
[ Thuds .]
Susie: [ Echoing .]
Drinking.
Chris: Hmm.
One whiskey-soaked liver and one set of ovaries filled with nothing but pure oxygen.
Here we go.
Brett: Mm.
Tomorrow's episode of "Silly Sammy" is gonna be weird.
A great job on the case, gang.
Thanks to your lifelong alcoholism and your decrepit lady parts, we were able to bust up the entire ring.
Chris: Thanks a lot there, captain.
Good night, guys.
Chris: Good night, captain.
Irene, I'm home.
What, do you want a parade? You old bowl of soup.
Anything for dinner? Uh, there's a half a loaf of bread in the icebox.
I'm gonna take a nap in Burt's room.
Try not to make too much noise.
Oh, and that package came for you.
"Dear captain, after we took down Silly Sammy, we returned all the organs to their rightful owners, but there was still one body part unaccounted for.
If you happen to find it, take it for a spin around the block for us, would you?" A party dink.
Irene, I'd like to see you In our bedroom.