Eagleheart (2010) s02e05 Episode Script

Little Dude

Excuse me.
You'll have to go through the checkpoint.
Sir? Ma'am? I'm sorry, but I see a male queue and a female queue.
I happen to be neither.
So, if I were to be patted down by either a male or a female, it would be a violation of my constitutional rights.
Okay.
You can go through.
The overwhelming evidence against Mr.
Fiocchi, combined with the brutal nature of these crimes, leaves this court no choice but to find the defendant If you would just take a seat in the men's section.
The women's section? What are you? The last thing you'll ever see before you get completely assassinated.
Well, it's happened again.
That damned hermaphrodite has waltzed into the courts and blown away another judge-- third time this week.
Ugh.
Disgusting, these he/shes.
Mm.
Yeah.
Brett, clean that up.
Well, I say we bullet this boychick.
Easy, Monsanto.
It's our own fault for not patting him/her down.
The only legal way to catch it is for one of you to get an injection of hormones that'll temporarily turn you into a shim.
Then you'll run a third security line, and we'll finally stop this ungodly thing from killing another judge.
Well, that sounds like a lot of fun, captain, but, uh, unfortunately, Chris Monsanto doesn't do things halfway.
If you're gonna hook me up with a coffee bean, there's no way I'm keeping my tea leaf.
Sue! Huh? Yeah, I'm probably gonna be tied up with work stuff for a while.
Mm? No.
It's always me.
Congrats, young lady.
Oh, no.
I was referring to the bonus genitals you'll be sprouting.
This testosterone should put you right in the gray zone, making you neither man nor woman, yet, at the same time, both.
How long does it last? It should wear off in about a day.
May I have your arm, please? Good morning, sir.
Ma'am.
Guess I'll be going through.
Can you please extend your arms? You can't take that from me.
I know my rights.
Go **** yourself.
Can and do.
So, I looked the guy square in the eye, and I say, "okay, pal, you've convinced me.
You're innocent.
" Unfortunately, I was just looking at his eye.
The rest of him was in a watery grave somewhere.
Oh, you must be the new guy.
Very funny.
Ah.
And that, my friends, is quitting time.
Hey, yo, little dude, the boys and I are gonna go out for a couple of drinks.
You want to come along? Really? Yeah, sure.
It'll be guys' night out.
I'll show you the ropes-- the guy ropes.
You know something, guys? There is nothing like some solid man time to talk about what we do and do not like the ladies to wear.
I'm a skirts-and-dresses kind of guy.
When they wear pants, it makes me want to puke! Boo-yah! I like a nice b'keen with all the fixins.
Hey, little dude, how about you? What do you like? You know what I like to see a lady in? The kitchen.
Yeah, wearing what? A b'keen.
Yeah! A b'keen! B'keen! You know something, little dude? You are a-okay all right tiptop in my book.
A-okay all right tiptop? Yeah.
Right, guys? Morning, guys.
Okay, let's hop to it, guys.
We've got a deranged professor holding a college library hostage.
Okay, you heard him, gang.
Let's move.
- Chris and I will take the squad car, and then -- - Honey, no, no.
This is nothing for a lady to see.
You stay put, okay? Has anybody seen little dude? I could really use him on this one.
Probably took a couple chicks home from the bar last night.
Oh, that is so classic little dude.
Aah! Little dude, you made it! Little dude! Little dude! Little dude! Little dude! Hey, has anybody seen Susie around lately? Oh, I think she disappeared a few days ago.
Must be lady troubles.
Am I right? A bit of a disturbing case today, gang -- a series of attacks on local livestock last night.
Witnesses say they saw some kind of creature.
Yeah! Let's get this thing! Very nice, little dude.
Goats were fine when I went to bed.
Then, come sunup, shredded.
Can you imagine that? Next, it'll probably be my sheep, my dog, cows.
Hey, little dude, farmer Wilson over here turned out to be a real dud.
We're not gonna get anything from him.
Little dude, what are you doing?! Brett, it's called police work.
He's imitating the killer to try to get inside its mind.
It's good to know that at least one of my partners isn't a complete mook.
Little dude this, little dude that.
All Chris can talk about is how great little dude is.
Tell me about it.
Little dude ain't so hot.
He's just a ball of fur with some teeth.
I know.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't know, guys.
I think little dude's pretty cool.
If I was you, Brett, I'd blow my brains out.
Shut the **** up! You're just jealous because Brett's always coming to me for advice.
That's because all you do is kiss his ass! Aah! Bretts, stop fighting! I'm sorry.
Now you'll like me, Chris.
Now you'll like me better than little dude! Oh, no.
Ah-da-dee-dee.
Sir, if you want that taken in, there's a tailor down the block.
Marshal, my farm was attacked last night by a leaping beast with a semi-human face.
Hmm, Jackie Chan must be in town.
Hiya, Chris.
Sorry I'm late.
Do you like me now? That's him! T'weren't no beast at all! T'was a hair-faced idiot man! Brett? Yeah.
T'wits me, buddy! You solved the case! Do you like me now?! So, you see, your honor, my client, A.
K.
A.
me, A.
K.
A.
the town's infamous animal shredder, A.
K.
A.
"Shredsie" to local tall-tale tellers, was behind the whole thing, but only if it means that Chris will like me.
Well, I have little choice but to pronounce you, Brett Mobley, guilty -- Wait! It was me.
No.
No! It's true.
Here.
I was saving it for later.
Well, it pains me to do this to the coolest little guy in town, but I hereby pronounce you guilty of animal slaughtery.
And since we can't send you to human prison or the zoo, I hereby sentence you to life at Brinks Prison Island for creatures, hybrids, albinos, and other unholy abominations.
And may God have mercy on your ugly monster soul.
Case closed! Welcome home.
Home.
The creatures at Brinks became like a family to me.
The human world rejects us just because we're different, but we don't need them.
Yeah.
We got each other.
It's what's inside that counts.
Then one day, when the hormones wore off, I awoke.
And I was Susie again.
Ugh! Who the hell are you?! Where's little dude? It's me! This is how I normally look.
You're not one of us.
But, Glorm, I thought you said that it's what's inside that counts.
Uh, Glorm say a lot of things.
Go home, Normo! You guys are just like everybody else! Yikes.
Time of the month, huh? More like bitch of the year! I'm Marshal Susie Wagner.
I was just visiting.
I'd like to go home.
Guess who's back! Little dude! To the tattoo of their boots goodbye, Susanna