Eagleheart (2010) s03e04 Episode Script

Grandy

This is the police.
Come out with your hands up.
Okay.
Relax! Leave this to Adelman.
(upbeat music plays) Aah! Adelman's badge-seeking bullets.
"because they left you no choice.
" Let's show them a back-to-back stack'n'jack.
- Aah! - It's okay, buddy! - He was my brother.
- Oh.
- Damn changeover.
- Changeover? Yeah, new marshals are comin'.
Whoa! [bleep] me.
- Time's up, Pete.
- Damn it! - I saw Chris kill Brett.
- Run! Christopher Titus Monsanto, this panel has found you liable in the death of Brett Mobley.
You are hereby stripped of your status as a U.
S.
marshal and banned from all law-enforcement activity.
Furthermore, you are ordered to vacate your marshal-provided housing and you shall be required to carry on your person this disgracement gift -- a motorized wagging head, which will serve as a reminder of your shame, until the day you die.
Case closed.
Okay.
What's the matter, Monsanto? You want to arrest us? Oh, right.
You can't! Oh, get away from me, you rotten little bastards.
Welcome to the Miltford Arms.
Sorry you wound up here.
How can I help you? - Do you have any available beds? - I can put you in bunk number 2.
No wailin' after 10:00.
No sobbin' after midnight.
And if you slit your wrists, please do it in the bucket provided.
(snoring) Um, excuse me, fellas, I think one of these is mine.
The woman at the front said that there was an opening in bunk number 2.
Up.
(sighs) (grunts) That'll stop when your body acclimates.
Name's Grandy.
I'm king of this bunk.
Chris.
- Heads up, boys! I'm dropping! - Back it up! (man dropping) (body thuds) Well, that's one way to get to the bottom-- flop till you drop till you plop.
Only other way is to wait it out.
Stick around long enough, you get to that coveted bottom bunk.
Floor space, no climbin', the works.
That is, if that fat sack Willie Dufresne ever vacates.
I think I met that guy.
Kind of a dick.
He didn't even earn it.
He got that sweet bottom bunk the day he arrived because he claimed he was "too fat to climb.
" And worst of all, he's a dirty thief.
- Thief? - Uh-huh.
I reckon he's been stealin' from all of us while we're asleep.
- Well, how? - No one knows, but all the fellas been missin' stuff.
I know it's him, Chris.
I just know it.
I'm droppin'! Aaaaah! Why, just this morning, I woke up missing my goldenest watch.
(body thuds) And I know it was him, Chris.
I just know it.
Hmm.
- You wanted to see me? - Congrats, young lady.
With Chris gone, thanks to you rattin' on him, you're being promoted to supervising marshal.
Really? I'm getting a promotion? Damn right.
You keep it up and one day, you'll be sitting on this side of the desk.
Aah! (grunting) (whimpering) (grunting) I'm gonna go dump.
- Jackpot! - What are you doin', stretch? Catching you fat-handed, red-ass.
This was stolen from Grandy's bunk.
Then somebody must've put it in mine.
You see what I look like.
I could never climb that high.
You prove I could climb, I'll do the time.
(door creaks, closes) Okay! All right, I think I got it.
- Yeah? - You see, what you know as a fat man named Willie Dufresne is actually two small children in a fat suit.
They come out of it at night, they climb up here, and they steal everybody's stuff.
And I know just who they are, too.
It's those McAllister brothers, those rotten little bastards.
I just saw them in the neighborhood.
That's some theory.
No, believe me, Grandy-- I was a U.
S.
marshal for several years.
We had to deal with this kind of thing all the time.
- What do we do? - Well, I'm gonna expose them.
But I can't do it alone.
I don't know, Chris.
I'm on pretty thin ice with the medical board already.
Look, doc, alls I need you to do is help me chloroform those little rats, strap them down in the basement, and then cut open that fat suit.
And you're sure about this? I have never been more sure of anything in my life, Peter.
This could really put me back on top.
(breathes deeply) Okay, it's sleepytime, boys.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I give you the McAllister brothers.
(all groaning) (cell door slams) Still doesn't add up.
Shut up! Shut your [bleep] mouth! Shut it! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! (grunting) Aaaah! (head slamming) Yep, that's them.
I pulled some strings to get you guys out.
Great.
Thanks, Suze.
But I can't help you anymore after this.
No more crime-fighting.
And, Gardner, we're canceling your contract with the marshal's office.
No! No, no, no! See, I need that money.
I've got massive debts.
(flatline) Who are you, and what are you doing with my machines? Repossessing them.
This equipment now belongs to Confederated Mutual.
You're lucky we're letting you keep the patients.
(breathes deeply) All of those coma patients are dead thanks to your fiscal irresponsibility.
This panel hereby revokes your license to practice medicine.
It's over, Pete.
It's over.
"By the time you all read this, "I will have committed my act.
"And the marshals will pay "for what they've done to me.
"I'm sorry, but I had no choice.
" (typewriter bell dings) Wow.
You know what? Just typing that, I feel a lot better.
Maybe I won't do it after all.
Oh, damn it! Watch out! Hey! Oh, God.
Gardner's snapped.
Kill on sight! Guys, I can explain.
Let him go.
He won't make it more than a few feet.
Once he reaches the curb, he's sanitation's problem.
(gurgling) I'm gonna go dump.
Hey! He's back-- the guy that killed that fat asshole! (cheers and applause) Chris.
Guys got to talkin' and we think you should have the bottom bunk.
- Really? - You earned it, kid.
As it turns out, these guys were all right fellas after all.
And for the first time in a while, I felt like I had a home.
What's the matter, Monsanto? You want to arrest us? Oh, right.
You can't! Yep.
These guys were a-okay in my book-- the salt of the earth, crop of the tops, cream of the jeans.
(boards creaking) (crack!) (soft music plays) (door opens) Um This room's occupied.
Oh.
Well, isn't this room 312? Uh-huh.
Well, they gave me this key.
Told me every other room in the hotel was booked.
Well, looks like we're roomies tonight, friend.
- Name's Ray Multon.
- Earl Hinsley.
- Have we met? - Well, I don't think so.
I'd remember a handshake like that, Earl.
- You in town for the convention? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, not me.
Just passing through.
Got my eye on this big deal in Toledo and, boy, do I ever need it.
No one is buying.
Cincinnati was a real kick in the pants.
Um You know, I don't mean to be rude, but I think I'm just gonna take a shower and hit the sack.
Oh.
Oh, shower's broken.
But you hungry? Maybe we should order up some room service.
Okay, sure.
Hey, this is awkward, but you think you could cover me on this? I, uh-- I'm in a bit of a rough spot.
Cincinnati and all.
Uh, okay I guess.
(ringing) They're not answering.
Well, of course not, Earl.
Everyone's dead.
W-What? Well, everyone in the world is dead except for you and me.
Why do you think Cincinnati was so tough? Wait.
If everyone's dead Why is there no vacancies? Well, probably because of the big convention in town, you know.
Look, I tell you what-- I'm gonna go out, rustle us up some grub.
You stay here and take a nice hot shower.
Okay? - I'll be right back.
- Wait, wait (wind whistling) (cracking) (gasps) Aah! We got him! That dumb son of a bitch is dead! And we tricked him into killin' that fat-ass! (all hooting, cheering) (choking) (motor whirring loudly) (coughing) Chris! I've been looking everywhere for you.
Tess? I have to get something from Brett's house, and I don't want to go alone.
Ooh.
(gasps) Geez.
Really looks like somebody tore this place apart.
Nah, I think he was just a sorry slob.
Well, this is what I was looking for.
And this, too.
You know, sentimental value and whatnot.
- Sure.
- And this, too.
And this, too.
Hey, um Did Brett ever talk about me, to you? Oh, yeah, he was always like, "I know this guy.
His name is Chris.
"He always liked asking if people talked about him.
" And this, too.
Geez, it's really weird being here.
It still kind of smells like Brett.
Yeah? What do you say we take this smell - and turn it into a stink? - Oh.
Now give me that dink.
Mm.
Mm.
Oh.
Oh, mon amour ! Je me vois pour avec toi.
Je t'aime.
Aah! I guess you were planning on telling her that you killed me after you were done boning her, you piece of trash! - Aah! - (laughing) Ah, mon amour.
Uh, honey, just keep doing what you're doing there for a second, will you? "Dear Brett, Hey, it's your old buddy Chris.
" Wait a second.
I didn't write this.
"When we go to the mill tonight for the big bust, "do me a favor and wear the Adelman's brand magnet belt "I included with this letter.
"I just think you'll look absolutely fantastic in it.
" - Magnet belt? - "Yours truly, The Real Chris.
" - "You got it, pal!-- Brett.
" - Idiot.
Oh, mon amour ! - Listen, honey, - Oui, mon amour.
um, how much more do we got to do here? - Look, I think I've been set up, okay? - Oui, je t'aime.
So why don't you just close your eyes and think of Maurice Chevalier or somebody like that, and (moans) All right, clean up on aisle you.
- L'chaim, baby.
- Oh, baby.
(door opens, closes) (telephone rings) Supervising Marshal Wagner.
Susie, it's Chris.
I need your help.
What? No.
I just got you cleared of murder charges.
Susie, I think some evil bastard set me up.
I found a letter at Brett's house that was from me that isn't from me.
We have to go check out the lumber mill.
Come on, let's go.
Chris, no.
I have marshal things to do.
Why are you so loyal to them? What have they ever done for you except put you down, take credit or your work, and make fun of your different-sized ears.
You did all those things to me.
Yes, and they sat silent.
You know what's gonna happen to you if you stay there, right? Shut up! (sighs) (laughter) Oh! Oh, my God.
So, someone wrote Brett a note - pretending to be you? - Yeah.
And it was really hard to read at first because I was in the middle of giving Tess a real good Okay, okay.
- You know? - Uh-huh.
Anyway, whoever wrote the note told Brett to wear one of these Adelman's brand magnet belts to the bust.
- A magnet belt? Why? - (grunts) Sucked right in by the magnet.
It wasn't my fault! (motor whirring) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (breathes deeply) Aaaaaah! Relax! I'm fine.
Don't get your grunch in a bunch.
What happened? Well, obviously, there aren't any blades in here, but apparently there are some blood sprinklers.
Brett just got sucked into the box.
So Brett wasn't killed at all.
He was just kidnapped! That body at the funeral must have been a fake.
Did they leave anything behind? Just some pillows and this dinner roll with a Mobley-sized bite out of it.
Okay, Chris, don't eat that.
That's evidence.
Eh, okay.
Well, Susie, you can call me "Danny Thomas's coffee table," because my name is about to be clear.
(motor whirring) Someone wanted you to take the fall for Brett's death.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to find me a good lawyer.
When I sell the movie rights, they'll probably give me like six figures up front and then screw me on the sequels.
Those pricks.
Forget it.
I'm out.
- Can you help me dig, please? - No, I'm sorry.
I can't.
Bad back, bad sack.
Don't want to go into it.
But you're doing aces.
Good job.
- Oh, okay.
- (grunting) Yep, bring him out.
Okay, Brett, if this is your real body, pal, forgive me.
(grunting) Oh.
Wham bam marzipan.
We buried a fake corpse.
Is it actually made of marzipan or did you just do that for the rhyme? Oh, honey, you can call me "Danny Thomas's coffee table" from now on because my name is about to be clear.
(humming) (heroic music plays) Monsanto, you got a whole lot of nerve showing your face around here.
Got a whole lot of nerve.
Sugalski, while you've been foolin', we've been coolin' down at the lumber mill where Brett died.
He got sucked into a fake chipper.
He might still be alive, Sugalski.
I got set up.
- I just don't know by who.
- Tell me more.
(beeps) Well, that's pretty much all I got.
(beeping) What else is going on? How are things? What? Are you even listening to him? Oh.
(guns cocking) Kill! (machine-gun fire) Chris, run! Let's go! Oh, okay.
Wait! Cappy.
Cappy! Cappy, are you in on this? What? No.
Okay, we can't leave him here! Okay, let's push this.
Turn it! Come here, come here, come here.
Get down.
Okay, stay low.
You ready? Okay, on three -- one, two, three -- push! (grunting) (guns cocking) (gunfire) (demonic screaming) New class is here.
(gunfire continues) (demonic screaming) Aah! - Aaaaah! - Aah! (gun cocks) See you soon, Chrissie! (demonic scream) Baby Christmas is sooner Summer's sooner Sooner than you think Mmm Yeah, baby It will be here in a blink Well, Christmas is sooner than you think