Eastbound & Down s04e07 Episode Script

Good bye, friend.
If you do not help with this marriage, *** It's a part of my characterIt's a Sounding the boring alarm! I can't buy luxuries and expensive fur coats What do you want? I'm done! *** *** Merry Christmas.
Some say change is the hardest thing in the world.
Whoo.
They say that whoever you are, you're stuck being that person till you're dead.
The transformation from worm to butterfly is nature's ultimate metamorphosis.
The change into your ultimate self is easy when there's no other option.
You look back at the past at the man you were, and you're like, "Man, fuck that little bitch.
" Fuck that bitchass life.
" Then you peer into the future's mist and get just a glance at the future you, all strong and rich, getting your fucking come up, and you're like, "Aw, hell yeah.
That's the motherfucking man I'm becoming.
That's the fucking man I wants to be.
" 'Cause a real man knows there's only one direction to face and that's fucking forward.
Woo.
Goddamn Don't hog the sneeze, bro.
- Let me in there.
- Get in there, motherfucker.
Come on.
Oh Ugh.
Disgusting, dude.
You got your chin in it.
- What? Ah, I'm sorry, man.
- Gross.
I'm still trying to figure out these dimensions.
That is a pretty bold chin.
Better be bold.
Cost me 50 g's for this motherfucker.
Speaking of g's, I was wondering, is there gonna be a Christmas bonus this year? - Christmas bonus? - Yeah.
I'm just saying, between this chin and Maria's titties, I can't afford Christmas gifts for my kids, unfortunately.
- You don't have any money to buy your kids gifts? - Yeah, I miscalculated.
Man, you better chill with that Bob Cratchit bullshit.
Don't be acting like you don't get paid handsomely, all right? That shit's gonna piss me off.
Don't trip.
I'm just asking.
Geez.
Do I got any coke boogers up my nose? No.
Do I got any coke on my chin? Yeah, dude.
Your goddamn whole thing's covered in it.
Looks like the fucking tip of Mount Everest.
May I have everyone's attention please? Gather 'round.
Get your dicks outta your hands.
Come on.
Gather 'round.
Your new leader has an announcement.
Da-da-da! Make a path.
Make a path.
Make a path.
Good day, everyone.
Ratings are in the shitter.
We all knew that Guy Young's racist diatribe was gonna hurt us all.
But as your new leader, I promise you that I will turn this fucking sinking ship around with the help of the Sesh Christmas Special.
Sound team, I'm gonna need you guys to cut together a symphony of farts.
I need it to be hilarious, OK? Casting, I'd like you to find me an array of young beautiful women to be my reindeer.
Wardrobes, I'd like you to create some reindeer suits - with the titties cut out.
- Hold on.
What's all this shit? Why we fucking with the formula? Guy Young did it right.
He had us doing a silly little version of "Twelve Days of Christmas".
- And that shit was dope.
- It was dope? Really? Guy Young? He's a racist, Jimmy.
Being racist, it's far from dope, dudes.
I defeated Guy Young.
So that makes me the H-N-I-C.
If anybody has any problems with that, well, you can direct your inquiries to Billy and/or Trent.
Y'all wanna fuck with two dudes wearing Wilsons Leather black fucking coats? None of you wanna fuck with this Wilsons Leather shit.
Great.
Beautiful.
I can't wait to see what we do together, all right? This Christmas show's gonna be spectacular.
Thank you for your time.
Get back to work, please.
Everyone, back to work! Back to work! There's nothing more to see here! You're on the clock.
Let's make this quick.
My client's a busy man.
OK.
On behalf of Mrs.
Powers, I have outlined a temporary arrangement which gives April Powers access to half of the assets of the family accounts.
- - On behalf of Mr.
Powers, we decline the arrangement.
Excuse me? Jared, break 'em off something.
Tell 'em what's good.
Mrs.
Powers is denied access to all assets till a settlement has been reached or the filing has been withdrawn.
- Kenny, you took all the money out of the joint account? - Nah, April.
Jared did.
Motherfucker's cray.
- Can he do that? - Mr.
Powers is also sole title holder - on the family vehicles.
- Nice work, Benjamin.
You better get used to walking, muchacha.
Kenny, can I talk to you outside? Very well.
What's wrong, April? Your little storybook divorce getting all fucked up? - This isn't fair, Kenny.
- Hmph.
Oh, I know it's not fair.
My legal dream team is long-dicking you up the butt.
I'll spend every penny I have to win this divorce.
- Do you hear me? - Can't we just be adults about this? - Think about the kids, Kenny.
- Oh, I'm thinking about the kids.
I'm thinking about how I'm gonna turn 'em against you.
Wait till Christmas.
Then we'll see who gets them the better presents.
I wanted to talk to you about that.
I was thinking that you could celebrate with them on the 23rd.
- The fucking 23rd? - Yeah.
You selfish little trollop.
How dare you keep those children from me on Christmas morn.
Those children are gonna be devastated.
They are so upset about so many things, Kenny.
They're upset about Dakota.
They keep talking about him.
I don't understand how he got outta the garage, by the way.
Well, don't you be looking at me all accusatory.
All right? I don't know how the fuck he got outta the garage either.
- - Maybe he fucking used an ancient Navajo - fucking wolf warp.
- Kenny, please.
This is a nightmare right now.
There has to be a more simple way.
- There has to be.
- Well, I know a simple way.
- OK, what? - Call it off, April.
Fucking let me come back to the house and all this will go away.
You and I can just call this shit a draw.
I can't.
I want out.
Very well then.
I want you to remember that this is what you wanted.
Remember it when I beat you.
Merry Chri-ma.
Going through a divorce is the shit, dude.
- Hey.
- Aw, yeah.
Hey, lady.
I'm seeing a lot of looks out here.
- Ooh, look at her.
- Kristi Yamaguchi? Nah.
Kristi Yama-gonna-fuck-you.
Ooh, yeah.
I gotta tell you, man, if I can win Christmas, April's gonna be fucked.
- So what's the move, dog? - Oh, I'll tell you the move.
I found out all the presents April's getting the kids for Christmas, - I'm gonna get the same exact ones.
Fuck her shit all up.
- Hope you saved them receipts, April.
'Cause you taking that shit back to the store.
That bitch is gonna feel dumb as hell, dog.
Goddamn, dude.
Stop calling her a bitch, all right? Technically we're still married.
I mean, I don't call your wife a bitch.
OK.
I have called her a bitch before, but Yeah, April's different.
She's a white person.
Must be nice, you know, being able to buy your kids everything they want for Christmas.
Or or just anything at all, really.
- It is.
- You know, I was thinking, since we won't be opening gifts Christmas morning, I'll have some extra time and maybe you could let me read your screenplay.
Look, Stevie, I appreciate the fact that you are interested in my life's story, but you're not reading it, all right? You think Tom Cruise or Vin Diesel goes around letting just any Tom, Dick or Jay Leno read their fucking screenplays? No.
They don't.
Chin up, Stevie.
I'm sure you'll figure out something.
Get it? Chin up.
'Cause you got a new chin.
Good morning, sir.
What the hell are you two doing loitering in this fancy hotel? Uh, well, actually we came because we're really worried about you, Kenny.
We know that you're going through a rough patch and just don't want you to harm yourself.
What the hell do you think I'm gonna do? Put a gun in my mouth? Give me a fucking break.
I ain't going through a rough patch, Cassie.
What we got going on here? One, two, three, four, five, six, infinity and beyond.
That's right.
Still fucking rich as hell.
Still on TV.
Still living in the fucking presidential suite in the middle of downtown Charlotte.
I'd say shit's going pretty good.
I meant with your marriage.
I would really like it if you would come spend Christmas with us, Kenny.
Um, I thought it might be fun to go caroling together as a family.
You can fucking catch me dead before I goddamn go caroling, all right? That shit's for Christians and retards.
You've got lonely eyes, Kenny.
I can see it.
Not lonely.
Just went on a fucking coke binge last night.
- I'm tired.
- OK.
While little Jack Horner over there's sitting in the corner being a bitch.
You're not making much of an effort, Dustin.
- I'm here, ain't I? - Isn't it funny? This played out exactly how I said it would.
You're gonna change your heart.
You're gonna wanna come back to me and by that time I'm gonna be rich and famous, you little Christmas star fucker.
See? What'd I tell you.
Rich or poor, Kenny, you're still an asshole.
Whatevs.
Merry fucking Christmas, Cassie.
Merry fucking Christmas.
OK, everybody.
We're going to do a half speed rehearsal with the necessary adjustments.
You've been fucking up all day.
And you're not that pretty.
You are not that pretty.
- So you need to dance harder.
- Hey yo.
- Why we gotta sit way the fuck back here? - And cue the music.
Aw, yeah.
Y'all know what it is.
It's time for another Sports Sesh.
And now, your host, Kenny Powers.
Here he comes.
Here he comes.
OK, that's not obviously far enough.
The fucking X marks the spot, people.
What the fuck? Can't I get anybody who can do simple fucking wire work? Jesus Christ! Stage craft, people.
Come on.
Back to one.
We're doing it again.
- Back to one, people.
Back to one.
- Jesus.
Hey, Kenny, Kenny.
Let me holla at you for a minute.
Jimmy, what the fuck do you want? Don't you see I'm up here floating like a god? Come on.
Shit ain't gotta be that complicated.
Yo, why can't we just have our families on like we normally do? Because, Jimmy.
It's the 21st century.
Everyone doesn't have fucking families, OK? No more suggestions from you.
- Come on, let's do this.
- Yo, fuck you, man.
Don't do that.
Don't talk down to me like that.
Are you challenging me? Are you motherfucking challenging me? I'm trying to talk to you like a man, fool.
Who the fuck you calling a fool, huh? Me? You know what? Fuck this shit.
I'm out, man.
I quit this motherfucker.
Fuck you.
- Give me your parking pass.
- Man, fuck you.
Give me your parking pass right now, it's for employees only.
- Goddamn it! - Fuck you.
- I need your parking pass - I have never worked with a group of people so unprofessional before.
- In all my years of stage work - Kenny, man.
You know, maybe you should take some time off, man.
Work on your marriage and stuff.
No.
Hey, don't fucking get involved in my personal business, all right? Get back in line! Know your place, Rodney.
You little bitch.
You know what? Fuck you, man.
- I quit.
- Rodney, you can't quit.
Come on, man! This is the Christmas show, man.
What the fuck? You can't quit on the Christmas show.
- You give me your parking pass.
- Rodney, get back here! I need your parking pass.
Employees only.
Aw yeah.
You guys are kicking ass opening up these presents.
Must be because you're so loose and limber from that massage, huh? Little helper, why don't you bring your little ass on over here and bring Shayna another gift, please? Thank you very much.
All right, Shayna.
I guarantee you Mom will not get you anything as fancy as this shit.
Woo.
Look at that, huh? That's from Tiffany's.
That's the fucking jazz age glamour collection.
Look into little helper's video camera and say, "I love Daddy more than Mommy.
" - I love you more than Mom.
- Yeah, that felt real.
Fucking, stop trying to François Truffaut this bullshit, motherfucker.
You ain't in the DGA.
Just zoom in and shut the fuck up.
Toby, what's up with you? Toby-Tobs.
- You digging that Rolex, huh? - Yeah.
You don't seem too impressed.
That shit was $6,000, son.
That's rose gold.
- I was hoping you would find Dakota.
- Dakota? You said we would have anything we wanted and that's Dakota.
Y'all are gonna sit here and cry about a wolf? When I got Nobu catering this shit? Seared ahi tuna, wagyu beef tacos.
I hired a goddamn dwarf.
But why did he leave? Well I don't know.
I don't understand the ways of the wolf.
I just Maybe he had other cool stuff he had to do.
You know? He could be tied down.
Maybe he's got big dreams.
Maybe he's meant to be a star.
Did he leave 'cause he hated us? Nah, Toby.
No.
He doesn't hate you.
He loves you guys.
Little helper, you're fucking freaking my kids out.
Get the fuck out of here.
Come on.
Go.
Go.
Get the fuck out of here.
- Merry fucking Christmas.
- Hey! You want me to crack you in your face? I'll smash your fucking teeth in.
Merry Christmas, motherfucker.
Children.
This way.
Quickly, quickly.
Come on.
This way.
Hey, Kenny.
What are you doing here? Hey, mind your own business, all right? Don't start any trouble, Kenny.
Come on.
Hey! Don't get live with me, Gene.
I know kenpo.
- Back in your house.
- What is going on out here? Kenny! Why are the kids wearing veils? Because, April, I'm a celebrity.
I'm trying to protect their identity from the paparazzi.
- Did you guys have fun? - Yeah! Yeah, you bet your ass they had fun.
I got 'em every single thing on their Christmas list, so good luck finding 'em something they're gonna like.
- That's so great.
- Yeah.
I know it's great.
Toby, would you please take your sister inside.
I wanna talk to Daddy alone.
Thank you.
- Love you guys.
- Love you.
Here.
It's something I found at Marshalls.
It reminded me of, um, you.
Hmm.
I didn't get you anything.
I mean, I just figured that the whole tradition of buying each other presents was flushed down the toilet like our marriage vows.
You know I hate fighting with you.
Oh, I can imagine.
I wouldn't wanna fight with me either.
I mean, let's see.
I whooped your ass at Christmas, and I'm whooping your ass in this divorce.
Just admit I beat you and then I'll come right back.
Why do you wanna come back? You were miserable.
Maybe this is for the best.
To be just not I mean, just not being together? Yeah, well, I mean, you're pretty much driving this train so If you're happy in which the direction the train is traveling.
'Cause I already have said said things about me being happy so kinda seems like you're the one who's, you know Whatever.
I'm not gonna argue over this shit now.
It's Christmas time.
Feliz Navidad, April.
Merry Christmas.
Fuck.
Goddamn it.
This place is hemorrhaging cash, Stevie.
I'm going through a divorce right now, man.
I can't afford to be wasting money on this shit.
Just be patient, OK? Give Maria's tits some time to work their magic.
Only magic trick they're doing is making my goddamn money disappear.
It's time to cut our losses.
- Girls, ladies, attentions.
- Wha? Tits ladies.
I am officially closing Taters 'N' Tits.
Please return your uniforms to the appropriate offices.
And you won't be getting paid for today, I'm sorry.
- You didn't finish your complete workload.
- Kenny, I need this.
I am flat broke right now.
This is the only chance I have to give my family a good Christmas.
The only one so please keep it open.
Please! Man, shut up about this money shit.
Don't blame me 'cause you went and Frankensteined your whole face and blew your fucking money - on Maria's titties.
- I have done everything for you.
I'm broke as shit and you don't even care.
You couldn't care less about me.
You didn't even let me read your screenplay and I thought I was your best friend.
Oh, don't get your fucking panties in a bunch, Stevie.
I got lots of friends.
So get in line.
You said that this would make us rich.
You said that this would change our lives for the better and we just ended up making our lives worse.
Speak for yourself.
I'm completely happy with how my life is You lost your fucking family! What are you, a fucking retard? Are you a fucking clueless idiot? I should've never listened to you, man.
I used to think you were cool.
I used to think you were a rock star.
- Now look at you.
- Oh, look at me? Look at you, you look like a fucking monster! Well, at least I'm not the fucking Grinch! I am at the darkest point in my life and it's all your fault.
And you know what? I quit.
Fuck you! You clean those fixins up right now! You're a big boy.
From now on, you gotta clean up your own fixins.
Let's get outta here.
If you leave right now, Stevie, I swear to God, this is it between me and you.
Well, suck my dick! What the fuck are you looking at?! Aw, yeah.
Y'all know what it is.
It's a Sports Sesh Christmas with Kenny Powers! Woo-hoo-hoo! Ho-ho-ho! Oh yeah! Ho-ho-ho-ho! Hooo! Give it up! Wonderful job, ladies.
Wonderful! Lot of hot-ass elves in the house tonight, huh? Woo-hoo! Go tuck yourselves in underneath that Christmas tree, girls.
Guess what, kids? I came all the way from the South-motherfucking-Pole to teach you all about the spirit of Christmas, huh.
Hot damn.
Goddamn it.
Fucking A, effects.
Goddamn.
Feel like I'm in a damn head and shoulders commercial, man.
Kill the fucking snow.
Come on! Cut it off! Shit.
Cheap-ass production design.
Crock of shit.
But then again, Christmas is pretty much a crock of shit, is it not? Buying expensive ass presents, trying to outdo each other.
You can buy fucking millions of expensive presents for your kids, and what will they do? They'll focus on the one goddamn thing you didn't get them.
You could be a perfect husband for years, years.
Doing every fucking thing they ask you to do and then all of the sudden one day, your wife wakes up and decides, "Hey, I don't wanna be married to this dude anymore so I'm gonna divorce him.
" And now suddenly you're the bad guy.
That's how it goes.
Woo-hoo! Thank you, Santa Claus.
You fucking dick licker.
Oh, you don't want me to badmouth Christmas? Well, how about this? Christmas can suck this dick! Fuck Christmas! No, don't boo me.
Oh, you guys like Christmas? You like Christmas that much? Fuck goddamn Christmas! fuckingstupid ass Fuck Christmas! Christmas can suck my dick! Fuck Christmas! Do you hear me?! Suck my dick, Christmas! Fuck you! - Ugh, gross.
- Stevie's missing.
So.
Ain't my problem.
That motherfucker quit backslash was fired.
No, no He-he he always call.
Always.
You know any reason why he wouldn't come home? No.
No, Kenny.
No reason.
You sure? I mean, I saw the way y'all treated his ass.
None of you guys respected him or appreciated him till he started buying y'all shit.
Fucking money-grubbers.
All y'all are guilty of it.
I'm scared.
Well, don't start crying.
Hold on to your fucking tits.
Let me get my boots.
Well, this is the last place he used his credit card.
That's his car.
Yes, it is.
I should warn you.
Men only come to these places to get their fuckey fuckey on.
- Stevie, you inside? - Go away! Stevie, don't you fucking sass us.
Open up this door right now.
Very well.
Have it your way, Steven.
- Fucking Break yourself! - Stay back! - Stay back! - Oh, Jesus Christ.
- He's holding himself hostage.
- I'm sorry, Maria.
- Please, Stevie - And I'm sorry, Kenny.
- I'm sorry you had to watch this.
- No, Stevie.
Don't be sorry, all right? Just don't show us any goddamn Faces of Death shit right now.
- No one here wants to see that.
- Stay away.
- Don't do it! Please.
- Why? - I'm a fucking loser.
- You are my loser.
Mine.
I can't even fuck you unless I'm wearing fancy pants.
My dick.
My dick is a little bitch.
I don't care.
You eat my pussy so good.
Listen to her, man! You eat pussy so good.
I can't even afford to buy my family Christmas presents.
We don't care about the presents.
All we want is you.
Please, Stevie I love you.
I love you too.
What am I doing? This is stupid.
I can't kill myself because I can't get my kids Christmas gifts.
That's not the meaning of Christmas.
No, motherfucker.
This isn't what Christmas is about.
- This is not the real meaning of Christmas.
- No, fuck no, it's not.
The real meaning of Chr Holy shit! He blew his fucking chin off! Stevie! Maria! Get me a fucking towel.
Something to stop the bleeding.
Stevie, remain calm.
Don't move.
Don't raise your blood pressure.
I'm losing blood! I'm losing a lot of blood! You're gonna be OK, man.
You just blew your stupid fucking chin off.
Kenny, you said I wasn't a good enough friend to read your screenplay.
I'm sorry, Stevie.
I've been saying a whole lot of stuff lately that I don't mean.
- You are a good friend.
- Am I a better friend than Shane? You are a good friend, Stevie.
- Better than Shane? - Maria, hurry up! Save your energy, all right? You're losing a lot of blood.
- I got chin.
I got chin! - You got chin.
- Ohh.
Oh.
- She got your chin, bud.
OK.
- Does it fit? - Stevie - Do I look good? - Yeah, you look great.
- Do I look good? - You look great.
Oh, I'm sorry I'm crazy.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Shh.
Shhh.
Silent night Holy night All is calm All is bright - Round yon virgins - Mothers and childs - Kenny! Good evening, Cassie and Dustin.
Does the invitation still stand? Of course it does.
We're really happy to see you but do you want me to call you an ambulance? No, no, no.
No special treatment.
I just wanna carol with all you normal people.
- Silent night - Kenny.
Little faster maybe.
- Hol - Kenny, you're spooking the neighbors.
Let's get you inside.
- Kenny - I'm spooking them? It's all right, everyone.
This isn't my blood.
It's someone else's.
Come on, Kenny.
Come on.
Thank you, Dustin.
You know I don't like you seeing this weak side of me.
I know you look up to me even though I'm your younger brother.
Truth be told, I look up to you sometimes too.
Just a normal, not famous boring-ass family man.
And everybody's cool with it.
Nobody expects anything more.
It's like they love you for being nothing.
You're very lucky not to be respected.
Thanks I think.
I'm I'm sorry I haven't been such a good brother lately.
Just that, when I thought you died it was It was like a piece of me died too.
I didn't know you were sad too.
Of course I was, Kenny.
You're family.
Everybody needs family.
Not people in the entertainment industry.
Everybody needs family.
When the chips are down, family's there for you.
Whether you deserve it or not.
Well, you better get some sleep.
Tomorrow's Christmas.
- Dustin - Yeah.
Does this mean we're brothers again? Merry Christmas, brother.
Goodnight, brother.
Dakota! Dakota! What the hell's he doing? Honey, can you put some coffee on? Oh shit.
You're awake.
- Sorry.
- Dustin, who is that? I think uncle Kenny gave him to us.
Fame, fortune, power, titties People say these are the most crucial things in life.
I'm sorry I couldn't get you any gifts this year.
So I wrote down on these slips of paper all the wonderful things I'd get you if we had the money.
But you can have a pocket full of gold and it doesn't mean shit if you don't have someone to share that gold with.
Kids, it's Christmas! Kenny Claus.
Seems simple.
Yet it's an important lesson to learn.
Toby, what did you get? This! A play? Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.
Guys, come here.
Come look.
Come see! - Look who it is! Yes! - Dakota! - Yes! - Hi, Dakota.
Hi, Dakota.
Merry Christmas, Dakota.
This is so fun.