Edge of Heaven (2014) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 I won't lie to you, Cheri.
I know it's not quite the walnut brown colour you ordered, but on a sliding scale of walnut to chestnut, I'd say it's pretty close.
It's orange.
I'd say more "camel", myself.
I'd say it's orange.
Maybe it's the light.
Are you taking the piss? She won't have any of it.
Leave it to Maartie McFly, little boy.
Thank God he's gone.
It's taken me nearly an hour to write this text.
Why are you bothering? She ain't replied to your others.
Girls get well vexed when you stand them up - and cheat on them.
I did not cheat on Michelle, or stand her up.
I just kept her waiting for a bit, that's all.
While you had coffee with your ex.
It was 98 minutes.
In total.
98 minutes.
Just cos you broke it down into minutes don't make it any shorter.
It's nearly two hours.
Here.
What do you think of this for Gary and Gary's anniversary bash on Saturday night, huh? You gonna wear it or bake something in it? Bit of both.
She'll take a pouf and a recliner, too.
In um orange.
Thanks.
Thoughts? That is a lovely set of balls, Tan.
I call 'em my three tenors.
Domingo, Carreras and this is Pavarotti.
Ain't he dead? Not in here, pet.
Want to give them a buff for me? Thought you'd never ask.
Great stuff.
That gives me a bit more time to shine up these babies.
What do you think about a drinks kitty on Saturday for Gary and Gary's anniversary party? Say £20 per Oh, you're not still fussing over them peach lady pumps? They're not lady pumps, they're professional bowling shoes.
And it's not peach, it's mango.
You shouldn't be going bowling the night before the party, anyway.
It's too much in one weekend.
We've got enough to do.
Like what? Like putting this up.
It's for the boys' party.
You been online shopping on the Lambrini again? What? I was sure I bought the congrats one.
Think they'll notice? Uh Ooh, I'll get it.
Hang about.
There's another one in here.
Mazeltov? What a nutter.
Who is it, love? Jude? Jude? Morning, Tan.
Oh, sh Antibac spray .
.
tissues .
.
washing up liquid Is someone in a mood cos they had to do the salon shop this week? No, I always do the salon shop.
Do you? Yes.
Ooh, you have got the grumps.
Are you on the flow? No.
Almost on the flow? No.
Just had the flow? No.
Oh, I know what it is.
That friend you met the other day.
It didn't go well, did it? I can tell.
I'm very intuitive.
My nan used to say I had a third eye.
Or ear.
I don't remember.
Please just stop.
There you go.
They're the only chocs they had left in the pound shop.
They're leftovers from Valentine's Day so check the sell-by.
Cheers, Shell.
Who are they for? No-one special.
I just need to show some gratitude.
Thanks for getting them.
You're such a good mate.
Can I pay you back next week? I'm literally stony till payday.
Like you paid me back for the stuff last month? Oh, and the month before that.
Very funny.
Hiya.
Perfect.
No, wait.
Let's try the check ones on the end and the orange ones in the middle.
Or keep the check ones in the middle cos they focus the eye more? Whatever you say, Gok.
Actually, Gok don't do interiors.
He does naked ladies.
You know what I mean.
Yeah.
Right, Carl.
How's it going? Good.
Yeah, I was just flying by .
.
so I thought I'd drop these in.
It's to say thanks for coming to help me out last week.
You didn't have to.
Is the money you owe him for champagne in there? Well, no.
But I will pay you back.
I promise.
Don't be daft.
This is more than enough.
Hey, come on, people.
Got people to serve.
Sorry, Mark.
I was just um This is my This is Carly.
Carly, this is Prop Maartie.
New manager.
Pleasure, babe.
Well? Customers aren't gonna serve themselves.
Yeah.
Course.
Um, thanks for this.
So what's the "Prop" in "Prop Maartie" for? I'm a rugger bugger.
Prop forward.
Prop Maartie.
It kind of stuck.
And what about that accent? South African.
No way! I love The Lion King.
Hakuna Matata, baby.
Hakuna Matata.
We don't do the foot rest in the La Fayette range, unfortunately.
I got you them three chocolate medallions.
I'm with a customer.
You don't want them? Yes, but I'm serving.
I'll have 'em.
Give me that.
You've eaten two of them.
No.
Well, yeah.
It was a long bus journey here.
It's three stops.
Hey, you guys are gonna be so impressed with what me and the boys have got sorted for Gary and Gary's anniversary bash.
Cheers for the tip, Mum.
All we need now is for Spanner to stop eating bits of the costume.
What's up? It's not Nanny Mo, is it? Has she been arrested again? Believe me, that would be preferable, soldier.
Dad? # The one and only Son.
How you doing? What you doing here? Got a wee business deal down in Margate.
I bet.
So I thought I'd swing by and see how the Taylors were.
The Taylor-Chatterjees, Snowy.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, right.
Do you fancy a wee beer, son? It depends who's paying.
Me, obviously.
You won the Lotto? No.
Scratch cards? No.
Pools? Does that even exist any more? OK, Judith, I'm working now.
So don't faint.
I've got a bit of cash.
You haven't been robbing again, have you? Just a couple of hearts, darling.
Look, Gar, it's a surprise, OK? Oh, go on.
Just tell me, please.
Shush! I can't hear a bloody thing! Then you're the only one in Margate who can't.
All I'll say is it's easily as good as the anniversary surprise you got me last year.
Look up.
What was that, then? My chain.
Welsh gold.
I lost it.
Remember? And I had a new one sent all the way from the mother country.
I even replaced the charm, didn't I? He did.
It's a tobacco pipe - in honour of my mum.
Why are you making such a fuss? You've only been together five minutes.
Five years! And this coming from the woman who never made it past one with anybody.
Wrong! I did a year and two months with Pantolo the clown.
He was balloon-training for most of the time, mind.
Amongst other things.
Enough with your sordid history, Mother.
Now, come on, Gary.
You know how much I hate surprises.
What are we doing on Saturday? Mm-mm.
I'll give you a clue if you give us the clicker.
Mo! Oh.
Let's just say you're going on a little trip.
No! Really? What, somewhere sizzling or froid? Do I need my passport? Now look what you've done.
You! Yeah, if that's a plan for executing Snowy, I'm in.
It's my bowling strategy, Ann-Marie.
It never fails.
Oh, if you say so.
Here Who's the old geezer? I've got no idea.
All right? Can we help you, soldier? Funny you should call me a soldier, cos I actually am one.
Well, not any more, obviously.
I suppose you never stop being a soldier, do you? Remind me why I started this conversation.
Have no fear, Jeanette.
Clifford will be fine with us for the weekend.
Thanks ever so much.
We really are delighted we found your B&B.
It's getting harder and harder to find holiday accommodation that provides special assistance for Dad these days.
Special assistance? Yes, like what we provide.
I'll see you, then, Jeanette.
Goodbye.
Ta-ta.
What's going on? We don't provide specialist Shh.
Keep your voice down.
She's offered double the money for Mr Warburton's stay if we do.
Don't worry.
He's fine with his eating and ablutions.
He might just need pushing to the seafront once in a while.
That's why she left this with us.
Clifford's got one too.
When he needs something, he presses it, which makes this one buzz.
Right.
So why give it to me? Well, we can't have it.
Tan's got cooking to do and I've got to sort Gary and Gary's do.
But, Mum, it's not gonna work Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Burma.
Oh, great He's senile as well as boring.
That's where I first was posted, as a soldier.
OK, strike that.
He's just boring.
Then the nun said to the monkey, "Want me to spank it or sit on it?" Cheers.
I do encores for cash, lads.
There you go, son.
Thanks, Dad.
So, where have you been for the last Two years? I've been here, there and everywhere, son.
I feel like the Judith Chalmers of Belfast.
Who? Forget it.
Look, I'm settled now, anyway.
You have to be when you own your own successful company.
Yeah, of course.
You're right to be sceptical.
I've been a gobshite, I know.
But I put my last couple of quid into property and I have not looked back.
Seriously? Yeah.
Have a look for yourself.
We get a bunch of investors to buy up land cheaply, then we build retirement properties.
It's like milking at the tit of the golden cow.
Look tell you what.
Why don't you nip up to the bar and get some pork scratchings or something? Hey? I can't go up.
They're gonna want another routine out of me.
Maybe, with the change, why don't me and you go to T-Bones tonight and get some steaks, if it's still going? It's still going, yeah.
Good man.
All right, Alf? Hey.
Shell.
Hello.
Feeling flush, are we? Oh, no, it's Yeah.
What can I get you? Nothing.
Two roses.
Sweet, not dry.
Oh, my God! It's Christina-Louise! I love Christina.
Hi, Chrissie.
I'm really sorry about the other night.
I never meant to I thought you'd wait for me.
Why would I wait for you, Alfie? It's obvious you've chosen who you want to be with.
FYI, that Christina such a bitch.
You ordered drinks yet, Alf? No.
Can we get Jager bombs as well? Yeah, course.
- Thanks, babe.
Mwah.
- Thanks, babe I'll get us a seat, yeah? See you round, then, yeah? Doubt it.
Ooh.
Ah I'll just Sorry.
There's something I probably should have mentioned.
So, is it true? That reptile in pin-stripe was here yesterday? He certainly was, Ma.
I tried to stop her coming.
But you know what she's like.
I think it's that many pills.
Turning the backs of her hands hairy, too.
It's fine, Gary.
Now, don't start, Mum.
OK? Don't start? I blame that whole relationship on Cinzano.
And the inscrutable charm of what can only be described as a paddy wagon with a penis.
That's actually a bit racist there, Mo.
Hello, Gary, sunshine.
Looking as handsome as ever.
Thanks, Snow.
You ain't looking too bad yourself.
Oh, by the way, Jude, there's the cash for the room and some pin money for any extras.
OK, love? And I'll have the black pudding breakfast whenever you're ready, Tandeep.
You I was just about to tell you.
Girl Scout's honour.
You were never in the Girl Scouts.
Yes, I was.
For an hour.
Kicked her out for smoking.
They were your fags.
That's not the point here.
I could hardly turn him away, could I? His meetings have run over.
I know what I'd like to run over.
Steady.
These chocolates taste like feet.
Want one Tan? I'm not hungry.
Mum? I'm on that fasting diet.
Oh, go on, then.
Where'd you get them from, anyway? Carly gave them to me.
No! Carly?! What's the problem? They're just chocolates.
In the shape of hearts.
From that same girl who dumped you at the altar not six weeks ago? God, she's got a nerve! She so wants you back.
You'll be like Rihanna and Chris soon.
On, off.
On, off.
Oh, off.
On Shut up.
Mm.
Really? Yes.
Don't you dare fall for it, Alfie.
She's outrageous! Calling you last week to help her.
Inviting you in for a coffee.
And now she's giving you Funfkaiser cicocolates.
I think they're Latvian.
She also kissed me last night.
What?! On the cheek.
I hope you told her to stroll on.
Mum.
What do you think? Well, personally, if you ask me Never mind personal assistance! I'm like Mr W's butler cos of you.
Don't be mean.
I'm not.
But every time he asks for something it turns into Jackanory.
"Oh, I was in the Chindits in Burma.
I wrestled a Burmese python.
Burmese women make very sensual lovers.
" It beats having to serve breakfast to your wife's freeloader of an ex, the Donegal Do-Bugger-All.
The Galway Git! The Kilkenny He's from Northern Ireland.
Tan.
A word.
He dresses very well, though, doesn't he? And I love his accent.
Oh, the Irish just do it for me.
Liam Neeson.
Colin Farrell.
Louis Walsh.
Sorry.
Why do you keep stirring the pot with Mum? You know she can't stand Snowy at the best of times.
Me? You called him rotten yesterday.
He's making a proper effort this time.
I think he's landed on his feet.
3:30 at Aintree, was it? Are you jealous? Cos that ship sailed - well, sunk I'm not jealous.
Well, then, don't you think it would be nice for us to at least try to get along, for Alfie's sake? Fine.
Whatever.
Thanks, poppy.
I knew you'd see sense.
Which is why I told Snow he could come to your bowling night tonight.
What? No way! That is purse selfish, Tandeep.
You've got to take him.
Hang on, you didn't want us to go bowling cos of Gary and Gary's party.
Well, I changed my mind.
Be nice bonding time for them.
Bond off.
He's not coming.
He'll mess up the numbers for a start.
Are Mum and Gary here? I tried them both on their mobiles.
Gary's goes to voicemail.
Mum's was in the fridge.
Again.
It's those new pills.
Are you doing anything tonight? Framing my coin collection, to keep it out of harm's way.
Gary tried to pay the window cleaner with half a crown.
I don't have to.
Why? Perfect! You can take Gary with you tonight to even up the numbers.
Plus, he'll keep you all on the straight and narrow.
Camp Gary don't want anyone with beer breath on that bus tomorrow.
What bus? Why on earth would we be going on a bus with the rest of the family? I'm gonna kill Jude.
I thought we were going on a city break.
I never said that.
She did.
Didn't you, Mother? Ooh! Christ alive! Am I not allowed to watch ONE Fast And Furious in peace? Look, Gar, Mo never said that neither.
She said we was going on a little trip, and we are.
On Tony Tenant's tour bus.
Oh, my God! Relax.
He's had all his tests done since he had the plate fitted.
He's good to go.
Locally, like.
On a bus? I took you for a gourmet Italian and gave you Welsh gold.
You're taking me on a bus trip? Well, I'm sorry, but no.
Just no.
In the immortal words of Duncan Bannatyne, I'm out.
Right, I'll do the sarnie run.
Egg and cress as usual? Yeah.
Ta.
Out to impress them in Gregg's, are you? Something like that.
.
.
with the sofa.
OK.
Thank you.
If you're looking for Alfie, you're out of luck.
He's at lunch.
I'm not here to see him.
Oh.
Is that right? Hm.
Who are you here to see, then? You.
Oh, yes, yes.
Obviously.
I was joking.
The Prop was joking.
Do you really think Carly wants to get back together? I don't care.
Can we get on with this rehearsal? We've got to be back in work in an hour and my nipples are starting to chafe.
All right, Ann-Marie? You ain't seen Mr Warburton's glasses? Uh Yes, I am looking! All right? No.
Sorry.
How about these ones? Tool.
Why are you wearing a Beatles costume? We're doing the Beatles tomorrow for Gary and Gary.
No, we're doing the Bee Gees.
How could we do the Beatles? There's only three of us.
Yeah, like the Beatles.
John-Paul, George, Ringo.
My dad told me.
I literally cannot even begin to Give me a minute, fellas, yeah? What? Come in.
Something up? I'll tell you what's up, mate? The nugget-heads of this town wouldn't know a good property deal if you took 'em out for a slap-up meal, which I just feckin' did.
And I'll tell you something, them boys can eat.
So no takers, then? No, not one.
Come sit down.
Um And is that, like, bad for you financially or whatever? It's not good.
But, you know, just keep knocking at the doors.
Don't let the bastards get me down.
That's the spirit.
I just really want to get this thing started, you know.
So I can spend more time in Margate.
Spend more time with you.
I know, Alfie, I've been a shit dad to you in the past, but it'd be good to rectify that bit, you know.
Well, I've got savings It's not much, just like two grand in an ISA.
No, I can't do that.
But if you need it No, son.
I can't have people going round the place saying I'm taking advantage of my boy.
Not now, not ever.
God, that tea is rank.
Get us some fresh milk, would you? Yeah.
Maybe a choccy bickie.
Yeah.
A newspaper would be good as well.
Yeah.
So the chicken picks up the banjo and the donkey says, "You hum it and I'll play it.
" I don't get it.
You're kidding me.
No.
See, there's There's a chicken and there's a donkey and there's a banjo.
Can we please get on with the bowling now? Amen to that.
All right, all right, keep your lady pumps on.
Professional bowling shoes.
Ooh! The Bowlegged Bowlers get to go first cos we won last time.
So Spandonkeydozy and Gary and Snowy can toss for second place.
Actually, Tan, I was thinking I'd go with Dad.
Show him the ropes.
You can go with Uncle Gary.
If you don't mind, Tandeep.
I haven't handled a bowling ball in many a year.
Right.
Course.
No probs.
Ooh, yes! Do you know what I think is your wee problem? It's better the devil you know.
Especially if it's wrapped in such a stunning package as wee Carly.
You reckon? I don't reckon.
I know.
I've been round the block one or two times.
Or three or four.
He's right, to be fair.
If I'm honest, I've probably had more women than Mick Hucknall.
A lot of the same ones, too.
But one of the things I've learnt is that quality always beats quantity.
Always.
And you've got a lovely wee girl in Carly there, you know.
Yous have been dating since you were kids and that's bound to mean something.
It means they were too young when they started going out.
Carly broke his heart and she could do it again, in a heartbeat.
Boom-boom.
I'm not joking.
I think Michelle's a much better bet for Alfie, myself.
Knowing the kind of person he is.
You saying I don't know my own son? Well, if you think that's what I'm saying .
.
maybe I am.
Right, that's it.
I'm done.
He tried to show me a tattoo he had done in Burma, and let's just say it ain't aged well.
Oh, stop your whining.
I'm juggling a jealous husband, a no-good ex-husband and a gay anniversary crisis.
You've got one old bloke to take care of.
Plus he's an old soldier.
You're an ex-soldier, too.
You must have something in common.
Are you joking? I was in Afghanistan with a machine gun.
He was in bloody Burma with a catapult.
Probably.
All I know is if it wasn't for Mr W doing his thing for queen and country, you'd be called Helga by now.
Give him what he wants - anything - on the house.
Maybe if he's having a nice time now he won't talk about the past so much.
OK, fine.
But it's your fault if it all goes wrong, mind you.
Sustenance, Mother.
Ooh.
There we are, poppet.
Ta, Jude.
I'm being silly, I am.
I know.
But I've had to cancel my Auntie Jackie and my Uncle Maldwyn coming all the way from Tredegar.
No! You should have told Gary they were coming all the way from You're on your own.
It's gonna spoil everything now.
His big surprise the boys doing karaoke for him.
Who are they doing karaoke as? A-ha.
No, go on, Gary, tell me.
A-ha, the band.
Oh.
Really? I thought the Bee Gees sang your special song.
More Than A Woman? No, that's the song we had our first dance to.
Our special song is the one that was playing when we first met.
Right.
Well, all I know is your anniversary party has to go ahead, treasure.
Ohh Cos there's £300 in that booze kitty and I'm thirsty thinking about it.
Why don't you tell him what you've planned? He's bound to come then.
Yes.
I can't, Jude.
I'm only doing it all because he surprised me with this last year.
But you've had that for years.
No.
This is a replacement Gary bought.
Really? My nan got it me, to commemorate my mum's passing - and my first Bonnie Tyler concert.
That was a year of highs and lows, I can tell you.
Look, why don't you let me have a word with him? I'm pretty certain I can talk him round.
Serious? Thanks, Jude.
Sometimes I wish Gary wasn't so highly maintenanced.
You're dead lucky to have such a steady Eddie in Tandeep.
Look, pal, I'm allowed an opinion! Oi, Dad! Tan! I'm not your pal, pal! And get your feckin' hands off me! Break it up! I'm so sorry.
Ooh Snowy's sitting there.
Come again? Gone to get the paper.
Since when do we invite guests into our kitchen? It's the least we could do after your shenanigans.
My shenanigans?! And he's not a guest.
He's my dad.
Can't sit there.
That's Spanner's seat.
Eh? He's in his room, unpacking.
What was I supposed to do? His dad's is three flights up with no lift and the boy's got four broken toes.
He's in the Sinitta suite on the ground floor.
I didn't smash his foot up.
You do know that? As good as.
Liverpool are really killing it this season, aren't they? Oh, morning, Tan.
Sobered up yet? I had two shandies and a spritzer.
The hard stuff really gets you.
Oh, shut up, Snow.
What do you want for breckie? The same as I had yesterday.
Tan.
You want me to cook for him, and serve it to him in my own kitchen? I don't think so.
Don't start this again.
We are building bridges, Tandeep.
What bloody bridges? Have you forgotten about the past ten years? He's barely been there for Alf for as long as I can remember.
He's trying to make up for lost time.
Don't you get it? Oh, I get it.
Loud and clear.
But I don't have to buy it.
Well, if you can't stand the heat, eh? What are you gonna do about your problem? Sort it, I guess.
At least I know what I'm doing now.
That's my boy.
What problem? Oh, nothing important.
Here, Jude I couldn't borrow back some of that cash off you, could I? I know.
I know we've been here before but it'll be different this time, I swear to God.
Judith, look, it pains me to ask you about this, but it's just that my business, we've opened a new account and the flow's uneven this week.
You'll get it back end of the week, no sweat.
Any chance I can get one of them buzzer things like Mr W? All right, come on, then.
What was so important that you had to see me? Oh, it's not Nanny Mo, is it? Has she been caught smoking pot again? No, it's nothing to do with her.
I just I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I would have preferred that a week ago, when I was sat eating ice cream on my own, like a dickhead.
I was the dickhead.
I never should have kept you waiting.
Too bloody right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
The thing is, I am gutted I did that to you, Shell.
But? There's a but coming, isn't there? But I think Carly wants to get back together.
Has she said that? Not in so many words.
I can just tell.
And you want to get back with her? After everything she's done? No.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe.
I just I need to give it some thought, some proper thought.
Fine.
Well, you do that.
Cos I can't be part of this any more.
I can't be there if and when you decide you do or don't want to be with Carly.
I really like you, Alfie, but Is that a chest wig? Uh yeah.
Me and the lads are doing the Bee Gees I'm going.
Oh, no! Cheers for that, mate.
What have I told you about slamming that door, Gary? You're not in Tredegar now.
Oh, give it a rest.
Did you just let yourself in? To my house? Well, if you don't like it, you never should have given me a spare key.
Spare keys are for emergencies, not popping in whenever you like.
You never said that.
It's an unsaid agreement, Judy.
Like "don't throw parties or have secret love trysts".
You've not had a secret love tryst, have you? You'll never know.
Feet.
What's the matter with you, woman? Why all the attitude? Cos some little spoilsport's trying to wreck his special night tonight, after his boyfriend's gone to a load of trouble for him.
Don't start with the guilt trip.
I just don't like buses.
OK? That's funny, cos I don't like liars.
You told Camp Gary you'd replaced his chain, when I remember I found it in the jingle berry punch bowl after last year's Christmas karaoke bash.
I can explain.
I actually gave it back to you to give back to him.
Explain that.
I was just trying to make him more responsible.
He's lost three Hello Kitty watches in as many years.
Yeah, right.
Well, I'm sure Gary would see it that way, too.
Oh, God.
Is this what I think it is? Pretty much.
Right, you be on that bus 7pm sharp, lady, or me and Gary are having words.
Too much? Not if you're playing Vegas.
Well, this isn't my doing.
Camp Gary insisted.
Now that the bus trip's back on, he's pulling out all the stopcocks ooh You'll have to help me with this tail tonight.
It weighs a ton.
I don't think I'll be coming.
Please don't start all this again.
I meant, Alfie will want his own dad there.
His real dad.
Not me.
Oh, my God, you really are jealous, aren't you? Of Snowy and Alfie, not me and Snowy.
I can't be jealous of him stealing you back.
He hasn't shagged anyone over 29 in the past 15 years.
I'm really sorry, Tan.
I've been a right twonk, haven't I? Steak suppers and boozy nights out do not a father make.
I know that, and so does Alfie.
You've given him so much.
Love, security.
Dreadful taste in music.
There's nothing wrong with the Lighthouse Family.
Kidding! I don't understand how you could fall for it again.
Both of you.
Once a snake, always a snake.
Yeah, you may be right.
How come? No reason.
Oh, please say you'll come tonight.
Alfie will be gutted if you don't.
And Ann-Marie.
Where is Ann-Marie, anyway? So, you enjoying yourself, then, soldier? Affirmative, soldier.
Great stuff.
What do you fancy doing next? We could go to the pictures.
There's a smashing Quentin Tarantino on at the moment.
Or we could have a little drink and I could tell you about Cinema it is, then.
Hey.
Oh, hi, Alf.
Everything all right? Um, not really.
It's not Nanny Mo, is it? Has she been fighting again? Oh, no.
No, I've just been thinking about us, that's all.
Us? There is no "us" any more.
I know, but I've been reading the signs and the signs are pretty clear cos the signs seem to be saying that you wanna get back together.
What signs? Last week.
Calling me to come and help you out, inviting me in for coffee.
The chocolates this week.
The um kiss.
Well, anyway, I just want to say I I can't promise anything cos you really hurt me.
But if you're serious, then I'm happy to give it some serious thought.
I don't want to get back together, Alf.
I'm already seeing someone else.
Again? Who? I um I can't say.
Why not? I just can't.
Please don't ask me.
Is he a spy? No, course he's not Is that your bag? Oi! Oi! Give me my wig back! Oi! Oi! Thing is, they've got 70% to 80% ball possession but they don't have a clue how to play against a good defence.
Say when, Donk.
Just say when.
When.
There you go.
Cheers, Gary.
Mm.
You all set for tonight, then? As I'll ever be.
My mum and dad never celebrate their anniversary.
That's cos they're divorced.
Afternoon.
Oh, hello, Alfie.
Hi.
How's your toes? Throbbing.
I done him a chocolate sponge.
It was the least I could do after Gary crippled him.
It is well tasty.
Don't your mother feed you? It's like having Oliver bloody Twist round the house.
I won't.
You all right? Not really.
Turns out Carly didn't want to get back together after all.
That's tough, man.
Oh, bless.
Can someone scratch my big toe? Why you want to get back with a girl like that, I do not know.
Mo! Dad thought I'd be nuts to give her up.
Not that I had a choice.
Of course Snowy thought that.
He's like a magpie, that one.
If it's shiny, it's special.
Well, Michelle may not be shiny, but mark my words there's a diamond under all that dull brown hair.
Undo me, Gary flower.
This corset's a killer.
Has that chest wig been chewed? Yeah.
Bit of an accident.
No-one will notice.
It's the hair and the teeth you look at with the Bee Gees.
About that.
It's not the Bee Gees you should do.
It's The Beatles.
No.
What, then? A-ha.
No, go on.
Tell me.
Trailer for sale or rent Rooms to let 50 cents Have you got your kitty money? Yes.
20 quid, Ann-Marie? I'm a man of means by no means King of the road Anybody else? I know a joke about a bus, so I do.
Is that right, yeah? Tell it to someone who cares.
Charming.
Have you got your kitty money? Yeah.
No problem.
Get yourself something nice.
Whatever.
I can't wear this much longer.
I get car sick at the best of times.
Remember when we went to Torquay, Mum, when we was kids? How could I forget? Pebble-dashed the Ford Cortina - twice.
You might as well take it off now, anyway.
We're nearly there.
We've only been driving for five minutes.
That's not much of a trip.
That's cos this bus is taking us on a trip back in time.
Ooh.
Oh! Hiya, Gary.
Oh! Do you remember that afternoon, all them years ago? I was just a stranger selling candyfloss by the big dipper.
Mum tried to pinch one.
But Camp Gary let her have it.
And that got Gary and Gary talking.
Just call me Cupid.
The council wouldn't let us into Dreamland cos they're doing it up.
Allegedly.
So I did the next best thing.
Happy anniversary, babe.
Oh, Gary, it's beautiful.
I love it.
How on earth did you organise all this? That is when it pays to know a clown.
Hello, Mo.
Roll up! Roll up! Hit three coconuts to win one of my babies.
Babies? Voila.
Oh! I'm not sure mermaids actually give birth to goldfish, Judith.
Who are you? The sea police? Win it for me, Gar.
Go on.
Please.
OK.
Fine.
Uh, on the house.
I think it's safest, eh? After what happened with the bowling.
Oh.
No way.
Watch and learn.
Listen, Alfie, about that ISA of yours.
I was thinking it's mean of me not to invest that for you.
Really? OK.
Good lad.
We'll talk about it later.
Go and enjoy yourself.
Sure.
I'll catch you in a bit.
There you go, sausage.
I made that for you.
Oh.
What is it? A banana.
I can honestly say I'm overwhelmed.
I truly am.
I don't think I can take much more.
I wish we could celebrate like this every year.
Seriously? They're coming on! Oh.
Oh, right.
I wondered why they were dressed up like that.
Though I don't remember Bananarama being there the day we met.
They're A-ha, Gary.
They weren't there either.
I know.
But you remember what was playing when you took me on the Wurlitzer? No.
Our special song.
Oh, I'm going.
I'm going.
Oh.
He's gone.
Oh.
Take on me Take on me Take me on Take on me I'll be gone In a day or two Be gentle with him, now.
We don't want any more broken toes.
Or fingers.
I'll just break my back instead.
That's plain rude, that is.
It's true.
Just get him inside? Have you got a key? Did you pick my kitty bag up? No.
What you doing? Uh, nothing.
You liar.
Don't make a scene now, Ann-Marie.
It won't be nice for our Alf.
What's wrong, Tan? Nothing.
Tan just caught that bloody Irish weasel stealing what's left of our kitty money! Ann-Marie.
Is that true? Afraid so.
Bollocks.
He's lying.
I know you hate me but there's no need to stoop so low in front of my kids.
All right, all right! How dare you call my husband a liar! Emotionally weak, maybe.
Bit of a drama queen.
But he is not a liar.
Mum, at least hear Dad out.
No, I don't need to.
Cos he hasn't paid a penny for his board and lodging.
What?! I've had to sub him back all the cash he gave me.
He's broke, as per usual.
Is that why you wanted my ISA? You were gonna take money off my boy? Your own son? Calm down.
It's like our engagement night all over again, making a mountain out of a speed bump.
You snogged Tracy Farnworth on our engagement night.
Oh, dry your eyes.
It was just a peck.
Peck off! Go on! I just don't get it.
Where did all the money come from? The gee-gees.
Obviously.
Yeah.
So there is no business? I just hope to God that you haven't talked anyone else into handing over dosh.
Relax, Jude.
Nobody bit.
Except me.
Your idiot of a son.
Alfie, I'm sorry Do you know what? Let me guess.
I'm a pig.
I'm a slime ball.
I'm a thieving no-good I feel ever so sorry for you cos I got everything I ever wanted.
The people I love in the place I love.
And what have you got, Snow? What have you ever had? Quite a lot of sex.
Actually, a hell of a lot of sex.
God, it's been good.
Tuck in, son.
Thanks, Tan.
I'm uh I'm really sorry if I Just eat your breakfast, eh? What are you gonna do about Michelle? What can I do? I've blown it - big time.
No, you haven't.
Look, you're human, Alf.
You made a mistake.
Just tell her.
You think she'll understand? You won't know till you ask.
You're amazing, Tan.
You know that? Just .
.
amazing.
That's beautiful, that is.
Just beautiful.
You gonna eat that? He's had a wonderful stay.
Haven't you, Dad? Outstanding! The pleasure was all ours.
Yeah, mostly mine.
And, uh, it was a pleasure.
Did you know his Chindit regiment was instrumental in us winning the war? No.
Did I tell you about the time I wrestled with a Burmese python? Yes.
See you.
Ta-ta.
Blimey, I could get used to this.
Yeah, well, don't.
Those are receipts for all the little extras he requested.
That won't even cover the drinks bill.
Ooh, Christ, can he sink a sherry! And I suppose what I'm trying to say is I got confused.
Carly and me had been together for so long I thought I had to give it another go, but I was stupid.
She didn't want me and, to be honest, I don't think I wanted her.
Cos I really like you.
Sorry.
What? Oh, lovely.
Sounds perfect.
Now get in that salon and tell Michelle.
I want to go to the pub.
Michelle? Michelle? Alf? What are you doing here? Sorry.
I thought Michelle closed up on a Monday.
She does, but I said I'd do it.
Why? What do you want her for? I ain't looking if you're snogging.
I just want to let you know happy hour finishes in half an hour.
Why would Alfie be snogging Michelle? Oh, shit.
Alf, what's going on? Are you doing what I think you're doing with my best friend? No.
Well, I was but I'm not now.
But he still wants to.
Shut up.
Oh, my God! I cannot believe Look, Carly, it's Come on, babe.
I'm getting bored in here.
Oh.
Hey, man.
You and him? It's called an upgrade, Chatterjee.
Like a mobile phone upgrade.
Like when your contract's expired and you Yes.
I know what you mean, Maartie.
So are we still going to the happy hour, then, or what? I'm gonna make big bucks for Big Balls.
Look, I think I know how to take care of my own mum.
Oi! Put that out.
Fancy another session tonight? Ja.
If you think you can take it.
Oh, I can take it, sausage.
You know how much I like you.
I've always liked you.
You're in this so you can show off in your all-in-one.
Which, by the way, makes you look like a Findus bloody pancake! Missing out on Pancake Day!
I know it's not quite the walnut brown colour you ordered, but on a sliding scale of walnut to chestnut, I'd say it's pretty close.
It's orange.
I'd say more "camel", myself.
I'd say it's orange.
Maybe it's the light.
Are you taking the piss? She won't have any of it.
Leave it to Maartie McFly, little boy.
Thank God he's gone.
It's taken me nearly an hour to write this text.
Why are you bothering? She ain't replied to your others.
Girls get well vexed when you stand them up - and cheat on them.
I did not cheat on Michelle, or stand her up.
I just kept her waiting for a bit, that's all.
While you had coffee with your ex.
It was 98 minutes.
In total.
98 minutes.
Just cos you broke it down into minutes don't make it any shorter.
It's nearly two hours.
Here.
What do you think of this for Gary and Gary's anniversary bash on Saturday night, huh? You gonna wear it or bake something in it? Bit of both.
She'll take a pouf and a recliner, too.
In um orange.
Thanks.
Thoughts? That is a lovely set of balls, Tan.
I call 'em my three tenors.
Domingo, Carreras and this is Pavarotti.
Ain't he dead? Not in here, pet.
Want to give them a buff for me? Thought you'd never ask.
Great stuff.
That gives me a bit more time to shine up these babies.
What do you think about a drinks kitty on Saturday for Gary and Gary's anniversary party? Say £20 per Oh, you're not still fussing over them peach lady pumps? They're not lady pumps, they're professional bowling shoes.
And it's not peach, it's mango.
You shouldn't be going bowling the night before the party, anyway.
It's too much in one weekend.
We've got enough to do.
Like what? Like putting this up.
It's for the boys' party.
You been online shopping on the Lambrini again? What? I was sure I bought the congrats one.
Think they'll notice? Uh Ooh, I'll get it.
Hang about.
There's another one in here.
Mazeltov? What a nutter.
Who is it, love? Jude? Jude? Morning, Tan.
Oh, sh Antibac spray .
.
tissues .
.
washing up liquid Is someone in a mood cos they had to do the salon shop this week? No, I always do the salon shop.
Do you? Yes.
Ooh, you have got the grumps.
Are you on the flow? No.
Almost on the flow? No.
Just had the flow? No.
Oh, I know what it is.
That friend you met the other day.
It didn't go well, did it? I can tell.
I'm very intuitive.
My nan used to say I had a third eye.
Or ear.
I don't remember.
Please just stop.
There you go.
They're the only chocs they had left in the pound shop.
They're leftovers from Valentine's Day so check the sell-by.
Cheers, Shell.
Who are they for? No-one special.
I just need to show some gratitude.
Thanks for getting them.
You're such a good mate.
Can I pay you back next week? I'm literally stony till payday.
Like you paid me back for the stuff last month? Oh, and the month before that.
Very funny.
Hiya.
Perfect.
No, wait.
Let's try the check ones on the end and the orange ones in the middle.
Or keep the check ones in the middle cos they focus the eye more? Whatever you say, Gok.
Actually, Gok don't do interiors.
He does naked ladies.
You know what I mean.
Yeah.
Right, Carl.
How's it going? Good.
Yeah, I was just flying by .
.
so I thought I'd drop these in.
It's to say thanks for coming to help me out last week.
You didn't have to.
Is the money you owe him for champagne in there? Well, no.
But I will pay you back.
I promise.
Don't be daft.
This is more than enough.
Hey, come on, people.
Got people to serve.
Sorry, Mark.
I was just um This is my This is Carly.
Carly, this is Prop Maartie.
New manager.
Pleasure, babe.
Well? Customers aren't gonna serve themselves.
Yeah.
Course.
Um, thanks for this.
So what's the "Prop" in "Prop Maartie" for? I'm a rugger bugger.
Prop forward.
Prop Maartie.
It kind of stuck.
And what about that accent? South African.
No way! I love The Lion King.
Hakuna Matata, baby.
Hakuna Matata.
We don't do the foot rest in the La Fayette range, unfortunately.
I got you them three chocolate medallions.
I'm with a customer.
You don't want them? Yes, but I'm serving.
I'll have 'em.
Give me that.
You've eaten two of them.
No.
Well, yeah.
It was a long bus journey here.
It's three stops.
Hey, you guys are gonna be so impressed with what me and the boys have got sorted for Gary and Gary's anniversary bash.
Cheers for the tip, Mum.
All we need now is for Spanner to stop eating bits of the costume.
What's up? It's not Nanny Mo, is it? Has she been arrested again? Believe me, that would be preferable, soldier.
Dad? # The one and only Son.
How you doing? What you doing here? Got a wee business deal down in Margate.
I bet.
So I thought I'd swing by and see how the Taylors were.
The Taylor-Chatterjees, Snowy.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, right.
Do you fancy a wee beer, son? It depends who's paying.
Me, obviously.
You won the Lotto? No.
Scratch cards? No.
Pools? Does that even exist any more? OK, Judith, I'm working now.
So don't faint.
I've got a bit of cash.
You haven't been robbing again, have you? Just a couple of hearts, darling.
Look, Gar, it's a surprise, OK? Oh, go on.
Just tell me, please.
Shush! I can't hear a bloody thing! Then you're the only one in Margate who can't.
All I'll say is it's easily as good as the anniversary surprise you got me last year.
Look up.
What was that, then? My chain.
Welsh gold.
I lost it.
Remember? And I had a new one sent all the way from the mother country.
I even replaced the charm, didn't I? He did.
It's a tobacco pipe - in honour of my mum.
Why are you making such a fuss? You've only been together five minutes.
Five years! And this coming from the woman who never made it past one with anybody.
Wrong! I did a year and two months with Pantolo the clown.
He was balloon-training for most of the time, mind.
Amongst other things.
Enough with your sordid history, Mother.
Now, come on, Gary.
You know how much I hate surprises.
What are we doing on Saturday? Mm-mm.
I'll give you a clue if you give us the clicker.
Mo! Oh.
Let's just say you're going on a little trip.
No! Really? What, somewhere sizzling or froid? Do I need my passport? Now look what you've done.
You! Yeah, if that's a plan for executing Snowy, I'm in.
It's my bowling strategy, Ann-Marie.
It never fails.
Oh, if you say so.
Here Who's the old geezer? I've got no idea.
All right? Can we help you, soldier? Funny you should call me a soldier, cos I actually am one.
Well, not any more, obviously.
I suppose you never stop being a soldier, do you? Remind me why I started this conversation.
Have no fear, Jeanette.
Clifford will be fine with us for the weekend.
Thanks ever so much.
We really are delighted we found your B&B.
It's getting harder and harder to find holiday accommodation that provides special assistance for Dad these days.
Special assistance? Yes, like what we provide.
I'll see you, then, Jeanette.
Goodbye.
Ta-ta.
What's going on? We don't provide specialist Shh.
Keep your voice down.
She's offered double the money for Mr Warburton's stay if we do.
Don't worry.
He's fine with his eating and ablutions.
He might just need pushing to the seafront once in a while.
That's why she left this with us.
Clifford's got one too.
When he needs something, he presses it, which makes this one buzz.
Right.
So why give it to me? Well, we can't have it.
Tan's got cooking to do and I've got to sort Gary and Gary's do.
But, Mum, it's not gonna work Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Burma.
Oh, great He's senile as well as boring.
That's where I first was posted, as a soldier.
OK, strike that.
He's just boring.
Then the nun said to the monkey, "Want me to spank it or sit on it?" Cheers.
I do encores for cash, lads.
There you go, son.
Thanks, Dad.
So, where have you been for the last Two years? I've been here, there and everywhere, son.
I feel like the Judith Chalmers of Belfast.
Who? Forget it.
Look, I'm settled now, anyway.
You have to be when you own your own successful company.
Yeah, of course.
You're right to be sceptical.
I've been a gobshite, I know.
But I put my last couple of quid into property and I have not looked back.
Seriously? Yeah.
Have a look for yourself.
We get a bunch of investors to buy up land cheaply, then we build retirement properties.
It's like milking at the tit of the golden cow.
Look tell you what.
Why don't you nip up to the bar and get some pork scratchings or something? Hey? I can't go up.
They're gonna want another routine out of me.
Maybe, with the change, why don't me and you go to T-Bones tonight and get some steaks, if it's still going? It's still going, yeah.
Good man.
All right, Alf? Hey.
Shell.
Hello.
Feeling flush, are we? Oh, no, it's Yeah.
What can I get you? Nothing.
Two roses.
Sweet, not dry.
Oh, my God! It's Christina-Louise! I love Christina.
Hi, Chrissie.
I'm really sorry about the other night.
I never meant to I thought you'd wait for me.
Why would I wait for you, Alfie? It's obvious you've chosen who you want to be with.
FYI, that Christina such a bitch.
You ordered drinks yet, Alf? No.
Can we get Jager bombs as well? Yeah, course.
- Thanks, babe.
Mwah.
- Thanks, babe I'll get us a seat, yeah? See you round, then, yeah? Doubt it.
Ooh.
Ah I'll just Sorry.
There's something I probably should have mentioned.
So, is it true? That reptile in pin-stripe was here yesterday? He certainly was, Ma.
I tried to stop her coming.
But you know what she's like.
I think it's that many pills.
Turning the backs of her hands hairy, too.
It's fine, Gary.
Now, don't start, Mum.
OK? Don't start? I blame that whole relationship on Cinzano.
And the inscrutable charm of what can only be described as a paddy wagon with a penis.
That's actually a bit racist there, Mo.
Hello, Gary, sunshine.
Looking as handsome as ever.
Thanks, Snow.
You ain't looking too bad yourself.
Oh, by the way, Jude, there's the cash for the room and some pin money for any extras.
OK, love? And I'll have the black pudding breakfast whenever you're ready, Tandeep.
You I was just about to tell you.
Girl Scout's honour.
You were never in the Girl Scouts.
Yes, I was.
For an hour.
Kicked her out for smoking.
They were your fags.
That's not the point here.
I could hardly turn him away, could I? His meetings have run over.
I know what I'd like to run over.
Steady.
These chocolates taste like feet.
Want one Tan? I'm not hungry.
Mum? I'm on that fasting diet.
Oh, go on, then.
Where'd you get them from, anyway? Carly gave them to me.
No! Carly?! What's the problem? They're just chocolates.
In the shape of hearts.
From that same girl who dumped you at the altar not six weeks ago? God, she's got a nerve! She so wants you back.
You'll be like Rihanna and Chris soon.
On, off.
On, off.
Oh, off.
On Shut up.
Mm.
Really? Yes.
Don't you dare fall for it, Alfie.
She's outrageous! Calling you last week to help her.
Inviting you in for a coffee.
And now she's giving you Funfkaiser cicocolates.
I think they're Latvian.
She also kissed me last night.
What?! On the cheek.
I hope you told her to stroll on.
Mum.
What do you think? Well, personally, if you ask me Never mind personal assistance! I'm like Mr W's butler cos of you.
Don't be mean.
I'm not.
But every time he asks for something it turns into Jackanory.
"Oh, I was in the Chindits in Burma.
I wrestled a Burmese python.
Burmese women make very sensual lovers.
" It beats having to serve breakfast to your wife's freeloader of an ex, the Donegal Do-Bugger-All.
The Galway Git! The Kilkenny He's from Northern Ireland.
Tan.
A word.
He dresses very well, though, doesn't he? And I love his accent.
Oh, the Irish just do it for me.
Liam Neeson.
Colin Farrell.
Louis Walsh.
Sorry.
Why do you keep stirring the pot with Mum? You know she can't stand Snowy at the best of times.
Me? You called him rotten yesterday.
He's making a proper effort this time.
I think he's landed on his feet.
3:30 at Aintree, was it? Are you jealous? Cos that ship sailed - well, sunk I'm not jealous.
Well, then, don't you think it would be nice for us to at least try to get along, for Alfie's sake? Fine.
Whatever.
Thanks, poppy.
I knew you'd see sense.
Which is why I told Snow he could come to your bowling night tonight.
What? No way! That is purse selfish, Tandeep.
You've got to take him.
Hang on, you didn't want us to go bowling cos of Gary and Gary's party.
Well, I changed my mind.
Be nice bonding time for them.
Bond off.
He's not coming.
He'll mess up the numbers for a start.
Are Mum and Gary here? I tried them both on their mobiles.
Gary's goes to voicemail.
Mum's was in the fridge.
Again.
It's those new pills.
Are you doing anything tonight? Framing my coin collection, to keep it out of harm's way.
Gary tried to pay the window cleaner with half a crown.
I don't have to.
Why? Perfect! You can take Gary with you tonight to even up the numbers.
Plus, he'll keep you all on the straight and narrow.
Camp Gary don't want anyone with beer breath on that bus tomorrow.
What bus? Why on earth would we be going on a bus with the rest of the family? I'm gonna kill Jude.
I thought we were going on a city break.
I never said that.
She did.
Didn't you, Mother? Ooh! Christ alive! Am I not allowed to watch ONE Fast And Furious in peace? Look, Gar, Mo never said that neither.
She said we was going on a little trip, and we are.
On Tony Tenant's tour bus.
Oh, my God! Relax.
He's had all his tests done since he had the plate fitted.
He's good to go.
Locally, like.
On a bus? I took you for a gourmet Italian and gave you Welsh gold.
You're taking me on a bus trip? Well, I'm sorry, but no.
Just no.
In the immortal words of Duncan Bannatyne, I'm out.
Right, I'll do the sarnie run.
Egg and cress as usual? Yeah.
Ta.
Out to impress them in Gregg's, are you? Something like that.
.
.
with the sofa.
OK.
Thank you.
If you're looking for Alfie, you're out of luck.
He's at lunch.
I'm not here to see him.
Oh.
Is that right? Hm.
Who are you here to see, then? You.
Oh, yes, yes.
Obviously.
I was joking.
The Prop was joking.
Do you really think Carly wants to get back together? I don't care.
Can we get on with this rehearsal? We've got to be back in work in an hour and my nipples are starting to chafe.
All right, Ann-Marie? You ain't seen Mr Warburton's glasses? Uh Yes, I am looking! All right? No.
Sorry.
How about these ones? Tool.
Why are you wearing a Beatles costume? We're doing the Beatles tomorrow for Gary and Gary.
No, we're doing the Bee Gees.
How could we do the Beatles? There's only three of us.
Yeah, like the Beatles.
John-Paul, George, Ringo.
My dad told me.
I literally cannot even begin to Give me a minute, fellas, yeah? What? Come in.
Something up? I'll tell you what's up, mate? The nugget-heads of this town wouldn't know a good property deal if you took 'em out for a slap-up meal, which I just feckin' did.
And I'll tell you something, them boys can eat.
So no takers, then? No, not one.
Come sit down.
Um And is that, like, bad for you financially or whatever? It's not good.
But, you know, just keep knocking at the doors.
Don't let the bastards get me down.
That's the spirit.
I just really want to get this thing started, you know.
So I can spend more time in Margate.
Spend more time with you.
I know, Alfie, I've been a shit dad to you in the past, but it'd be good to rectify that bit, you know.
Well, I've got savings It's not much, just like two grand in an ISA.
No, I can't do that.
But if you need it No, son.
I can't have people going round the place saying I'm taking advantage of my boy.
Not now, not ever.
God, that tea is rank.
Get us some fresh milk, would you? Yeah.
Maybe a choccy bickie.
Yeah.
A newspaper would be good as well.
Yeah.
So the chicken picks up the banjo and the donkey says, "You hum it and I'll play it.
" I don't get it.
You're kidding me.
No.
See, there's There's a chicken and there's a donkey and there's a banjo.
Can we please get on with the bowling now? Amen to that.
All right, all right, keep your lady pumps on.
Professional bowling shoes.
Ooh! The Bowlegged Bowlers get to go first cos we won last time.
So Spandonkeydozy and Gary and Snowy can toss for second place.
Actually, Tan, I was thinking I'd go with Dad.
Show him the ropes.
You can go with Uncle Gary.
If you don't mind, Tandeep.
I haven't handled a bowling ball in many a year.
Right.
Course.
No probs.
Ooh, yes! Do you know what I think is your wee problem? It's better the devil you know.
Especially if it's wrapped in such a stunning package as wee Carly.
You reckon? I don't reckon.
I know.
I've been round the block one or two times.
Or three or four.
He's right, to be fair.
If I'm honest, I've probably had more women than Mick Hucknall.
A lot of the same ones, too.
But one of the things I've learnt is that quality always beats quantity.
Always.
And you've got a lovely wee girl in Carly there, you know.
Yous have been dating since you were kids and that's bound to mean something.
It means they were too young when they started going out.
Carly broke his heart and she could do it again, in a heartbeat.
Boom-boom.
I'm not joking.
I think Michelle's a much better bet for Alfie, myself.
Knowing the kind of person he is.
You saying I don't know my own son? Well, if you think that's what I'm saying .
.
maybe I am.
Right, that's it.
I'm done.
He tried to show me a tattoo he had done in Burma, and let's just say it ain't aged well.
Oh, stop your whining.
I'm juggling a jealous husband, a no-good ex-husband and a gay anniversary crisis.
You've got one old bloke to take care of.
Plus he's an old soldier.
You're an ex-soldier, too.
You must have something in common.
Are you joking? I was in Afghanistan with a machine gun.
He was in bloody Burma with a catapult.
Probably.
All I know is if it wasn't for Mr W doing his thing for queen and country, you'd be called Helga by now.
Give him what he wants - anything - on the house.
Maybe if he's having a nice time now he won't talk about the past so much.
OK, fine.
But it's your fault if it all goes wrong, mind you.
Sustenance, Mother.
Ooh.
There we are, poppet.
Ta, Jude.
I'm being silly, I am.
I know.
But I've had to cancel my Auntie Jackie and my Uncle Maldwyn coming all the way from Tredegar.
No! You should have told Gary they were coming all the way from You're on your own.
It's gonna spoil everything now.
His big surprise the boys doing karaoke for him.
Who are they doing karaoke as? A-ha.
No, go on, Gary, tell me.
A-ha, the band.
Oh.
Really? I thought the Bee Gees sang your special song.
More Than A Woman? No, that's the song we had our first dance to.
Our special song is the one that was playing when we first met.
Right.
Well, all I know is your anniversary party has to go ahead, treasure.
Ohh Cos there's £300 in that booze kitty and I'm thirsty thinking about it.
Why don't you tell him what you've planned? He's bound to come then.
Yes.
I can't, Jude.
I'm only doing it all because he surprised me with this last year.
But you've had that for years.
No.
This is a replacement Gary bought.
Really? My nan got it me, to commemorate my mum's passing - and my first Bonnie Tyler concert.
That was a year of highs and lows, I can tell you.
Look, why don't you let me have a word with him? I'm pretty certain I can talk him round.
Serious? Thanks, Jude.
Sometimes I wish Gary wasn't so highly maintenanced.
You're dead lucky to have such a steady Eddie in Tandeep.
Look, pal, I'm allowed an opinion! Oi, Dad! Tan! I'm not your pal, pal! And get your feckin' hands off me! Break it up! I'm so sorry.
Ooh Snowy's sitting there.
Come again? Gone to get the paper.
Since when do we invite guests into our kitchen? It's the least we could do after your shenanigans.
My shenanigans?! And he's not a guest.
He's my dad.
Can't sit there.
That's Spanner's seat.
Eh? He's in his room, unpacking.
What was I supposed to do? His dad's is three flights up with no lift and the boy's got four broken toes.
He's in the Sinitta suite on the ground floor.
I didn't smash his foot up.
You do know that? As good as.
Liverpool are really killing it this season, aren't they? Oh, morning, Tan.
Sobered up yet? I had two shandies and a spritzer.
The hard stuff really gets you.
Oh, shut up, Snow.
What do you want for breckie? The same as I had yesterday.
Tan.
You want me to cook for him, and serve it to him in my own kitchen? I don't think so.
Don't start this again.
We are building bridges, Tandeep.
What bloody bridges? Have you forgotten about the past ten years? He's barely been there for Alf for as long as I can remember.
He's trying to make up for lost time.
Don't you get it? Oh, I get it.
Loud and clear.
But I don't have to buy it.
Well, if you can't stand the heat, eh? What are you gonna do about your problem? Sort it, I guess.
At least I know what I'm doing now.
That's my boy.
What problem? Oh, nothing important.
Here, Jude I couldn't borrow back some of that cash off you, could I? I know.
I know we've been here before but it'll be different this time, I swear to God.
Judith, look, it pains me to ask you about this, but it's just that my business, we've opened a new account and the flow's uneven this week.
You'll get it back end of the week, no sweat.
Any chance I can get one of them buzzer things like Mr W? All right, come on, then.
What was so important that you had to see me? Oh, it's not Nanny Mo, is it? Has she been caught smoking pot again? No, it's nothing to do with her.
I just I wanted to say I'm sorry.
I would have preferred that a week ago, when I was sat eating ice cream on my own, like a dickhead.
I was the dickhead.
I never should have kept you waiting.
Too bloody right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
The thing is, I am gutted I did that to you, Shell.
But? There's a but coming, isn't there? But I think Carly wants to get back together.
Has she said that? Not in so many words.
I can just tell.
And you want to get back with her? After everything she's done? No.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe.
I just I need to give it some thought, some proper thought.
Fine.
Well, you do that.
Cos I can't be part of this any more.
I can't be there if and when you decide you do or don't want to be with Carly.
I really like you, Alfie, but Is that a chest wig? Uh yeah.
Me and the lads are doing the Bee Gees I'm going.
Oh, no! Cheers for that, mate.
What have I told you about slamming that door, Gary? You're not in Tredegar now.
Oh, give it a rest.
Did you just let yourself in? To my house? Well, if you don't like it, you never should have given me a spare key.
Spare keys are for emergencies, not popping in whenever you like.
You never said that.
It's an unsaid agreement, Judy.
Like "don't throw parties or have secret love trysts".
You've not had a secret love tryst, have you? You'll never know.
Feet.
What's the matter with you, woman? Why all the attitude? Cos some little spoilsport's trying to wreck his special night tonight, after his boyfriend's gone to a load of trouble for him.
Don't start with the guilt trip.
I just don't like buses.
OK? That's funny, cos I don't like liars.
You told Camp Gary you'd replaced his chain, when I remember I found it in the jingle berry punch bowl after last year's Christmas karaoke bash.
I can explain.
I actually gave it back to you to give back to him.
Explain that.
I was just trying to make him more responsible.
He's lost three Hello Kitty watches in as many years.
Yeah, right.
Well, I'm sure Gary would see it that way, too.
Oh, God.
Is this what I think it is? Pretty much.
Right, you be on that bus 7pm sharp, lady, or me and Gary are having words.
Too much? Not if you're playing Vegas.
Well, this isn't my doing.
Camp Gary insisted.
Now that the bus trip's back on, he's pulling out all the stopcocks ooh You'll have to help me with this tail tonight.
It weighs a ton.
I don't think I'll be coming.
Please don't start all this again.
I meant, Alfie will want his own dad there.
His real dad.
Not me.
Oh, my God, you really are jealous, aren't you? Of Snowy and Alfie, not me and Snowy.
I can't be jealous of him stealing you back.
He hasn't shagged anyone over 29 in the past 15 years.
I'm really sorry, Tan.
I've been a right twonk, haven't I? Steak suppers and boozy nights out do not a father make.
I know that, and so does Alfie.
You've given him so much.
Love, security.
Dreadful taste in music.
There's nothing wrong with the Lighthouse Family.
Kidding! I don't understand how you could fall for it again.
Both of you.
Once a snake, always a snake.
Yeah, you may be right.
How come? No reason.
Oh, please say you'll come tonight.
Alfie will be gutted if you don't.
And Ann-Marie.
Where is Ann-Marie, anyway? So, you enjoying yourself, then, soldier? Affirmative, soldier.
Great stuff.
What do you fancy doing next? We could go to the pictures.
There's a smashing Quentin Tarantino on at the moment.
Or we could have a little drink and I could tell you about Cinema it is, then.
Hey.
Oh, hi, Alf.
Everything all right? Um, not really.
It's not Nanny Mo, is it? Has she been fighting again? Oh, no.
No, I've just been thinking about us, that's all.
Us? There is no "us" any more.
I know, but I've been reading the signs and the signs are pretty clear cos the signs seem to be saying that you wanna get back together.
What signs? Last week.
Calling me to come and help you out, inviting me in for coffee.
The chocolates this week.
The um kiss.
Well, anyway, I just want to say I I can't promise anything cos you really hurt me.
But if you're serious, then I'm happy to give it some serious thought.
I don't want to get back together, Alf.
I'm already seeing someone else.
Again? Who? I um I can't say.
Why not? I just can't.
Please don't ask me.
Is he a spy? No, course he's not Is that your bag? Oi! Oi! Give me my wig back! Oi! Oi! Thing is, they've got 70% to 80% ball possession but they don't have a clue how to play against a good defence.
Say when, Donk.
Just say when.
When.
There you go.
Cheers, Gary.
Mm.
You all set for tonight, then? As I'll ever be.
My mum and dad never celebrate their anniversary.
That's cos they're divorced.
Afternoon.
Oh, hello, Alfie.
Hi.
How's your toes? Throbbing.
I done him a chocolate sponge.
It was the least I could do after Gary crippled him.
It is well tasty.
Don't your mother feed you? It's like having Oliver bloody Twist round the house.
I won't.
You all right? Not really.
Turns out Carly didn't want to get back together after all.
That's tough, man.
Oh, bless.
Can someone scratch my big toe? Why you want to get back with a girl like that, I do not know.
Mo! Dad thought I'd be nuts to give her up.
Not that I had a choice.
Of course Snowy thought that.
He's like a magpie, that one.
If it's shiny, it's special.
Well, Michelle may not be shiny, but mark my words there's a diamond under all that dull brown hair.
Undo me, Gary flower.
This corset's a killer.
Has that chest wig been chewed? Yeah.
Bit of an accident.
No-one will notice.
It's the hair and the teeth you look at with the Bee Gees.
About that.
It's not the Bee Gees you should do.
It's The Beatles.
No.
What, then? A-ha.
No, go on.
Tell me.
Trailer for sale or rent Rooms to let 50 cents Have you got your kitty money? Yes.
20 quid, Ann-Marie? I'm a man of means by no means King of the road Anybody else? I know a joke about a bus, so I do.
Is that right, yeah? Tell it to someone who cares.
Charming.
Have you got your kitty money? Yeah.
No problem.
Get yourself something nice.
Whatever.
I can't wear this much longer.
I get car sick at the best of times.
Remember when we went to Torquay, Mum, when we was kids? How could I forget? Pebble-dashed the Ford Cortina - twice.
You might as well take it off now, anyway.
We're nearly there.
We've only been driving for five minutes.
That's not much of a trip.
That's cos this bus is taking us on a trip back in time.
Ooh.
Oh! Hiya, Gary.
Oh! Do you remember that afternoon, all them years ago? I was just a stranger selling candyfloss by the big dipper.
Mum tried to pinch one.
But Camp Gary let her have it.
And that got Gary and Gary talking.
Just call me Cupid.
The council wouldn't let us into Dreamland cos they're doing it up.
Allegedly.
So I did the next best thing.
Happy anniversary, babe.
Oh, Gary, it's beautiful.
I love it.
How on earth did you organise all this? That is when it pays to know a clown.
Hello, Mo.
Roll up! Roll up! Hit three coconuts to win one of my babies.
Babies? Voila.
Oh! I'm not sure mermaids actually give birth to goldfish, Judith.
Who are you? The sea police? Win it for me, Gar.
Go on.
Please.
OK.
Fine.
Uh, on the house.
I think it's safest, eh? After what happened with the bowling.
Oh.
No way.
Watch and learn.
Listen, Alfie, about that ISA of yours.
I was thinking it's mean of me not to invest that for you.
Really? OK.
Good lad.
We'll talk about it later.
Go and enjoy yourself.
Sure.
I'll catch you in a bit.
There you go, sausage.
I made that for you.
Oh.
What is it? A banana.
I can honestly say I'm overwhelmed.
I truly am.
I don't think I can take much more.
I wish we could celebrate like this every year.
Seriously? They're coming on! Oh.
Oh, right.
I wondered why they were dressed up like that.
Though I don't remember Bananarama being there the day we met.
They're A-ha, Gary.
They weren't there either.
I know.
But you remember what was playing when you took me on the Wurlitzer? No.
Our special song.
Oh, I'm going.
I'm going.
Oh.
He's gone.
Oh.
Take on me Take on me Take me on Take on me I'll be gone In a day or two Be gentle with him, now.
We don't want any more broken toes.
Or fingers.
I'll just break my back instead.
That's plain rude, that is.
It's true.
Just get him inside? Have you got a key? Did you pick my kitty bag up? No.
What you doing? Uh, nothing.
You liar.
Don't make a scene now, Ann-Marie.
It won't be nice for our Alf.
What's wrong, Tan? Nothing.
Tan just caught that bloody Irish weasel stealing what's left of our kitty money! Ann-Marie.
Is that true? Afraid so.
Bollocks.
He's lying.
I know you hate me but there's no need to stoop so low in front of my kids.
All right, all right! How dare you call my husband a liar! Emotionally weak, maybe.
Bit of a drama queen.
But he is not a liar.
Mum, at least hear Dad out.
No, I don't need to.
Cos he hasn't paid a penny for his board and lodging.
What?! I've had to sub him back all the cash he gave me.
He's broke, as per usual.
Is that why you wanted my ISA? You were gonna take money off my boy? Your own son? Calm down.
It's like our engagement night all over again, making a mountain out of a speed bump.
You snogged Tracy Farnworth on our engagement night.
Oh, dry your eyes.
It was just a peck.
Peck off! Go on! I just don't get it.
Where did all the money come from? The gee-gees.
Obviously.
Yeah.
So there is no business? I just hope to God that you haven't talked anyone else into handing over dosh.
Relax, Jude.
Nobody bit.
Except me.
Your idiot of a son.
Alfie, I'm sorry Do you know what? Let me guess.
I'm a pig.
I'm a slime ball.
I'm a thieving no-good I feel ever so sorry for you cos I got everything I ever wanted.
The people I love in the place I love.
And what have you got, Snow? What have you ever had? Quite a lot of sex.
Actually, a hell of a lot of sex.
God, it's been good.
Tuck in, son.
Thanks, Tan.
I'm uh I'm really sorry if I Just eat your breakfast, eh? What are you gonna do about Michelle? What can I do? I've blown it - big time.
No, you haven't.
Look, you're human, Alf.
You made a mistake.
Just tell her.
You think she'll understand? You won't know till you ask.
You're amazing, Tan.
You know that? Just .
.
amazing.
That's beautiful, that is.
Just beautiful.
You gonna eat that? He's had a wonderful stay.
Haven't you, Dad? Outstanding! The pleasure was all ours.
Yeah, mostly mine.
And, uh, it was a pleasure.
Did you know his Chindit regiment was instrumental in us winning the war? No.
Did I tell you about the time I wrestled with a Burmese python? Yes.
See you.
Ta-ta.
Blimey, I could get used to this.
Yeah, well, don't.
Those are receipts for all the little extras he requested.
That won't even cover the drinks bill.
Ooh, Christ, can he sink a sherry! And I suppose what I'm trying to say is I got confused.
Carly and me had been together for so long I thought I had to give it another go, but I was stupid.
She didn't want me and, to be honest, I don't think I wanted her.
Cos I really like you.
Sorry.
What? Oh, lovely.
Sounds perfect.
Now get in that salon and tell Michelle.
I want to go to the pub.
Michelle? Michelle? Alf? What are you doing here? Sorry.
I thought Michelle closed up on a Monday.
She does, but I said I'd do it.
Why? What do you want her for? I ain't looking if you're snogging.
I just want to let you know happy hour finishes in half an hour.
Why would Alfie be snogging Michelle? Oh, shit.
Alf, what's going on? Are you doing what I think you're doing with my best friend? No.
Well, I was but I'm not now.
But he still wants to.
Shut up.
Oh, my God! I cannot believe Look, Carly, it's Come on, babe.
I'm getting bored in here.
Oh.
Hey, man.
You and him? It's called an upgrade, Chatterjee.
Like a mobile phone upgrade.
Like when your contract's expired and you Yes.
I know what you mean, Maartie.
So are we still going to the happy hour, then, or what? I'm gonna make big bucks for Big Balls.
Look, I think I know how to take care of my own mum.
Oi! Put that out.
Fancy another session tonight? Ja.
If you think you can take it.
Oh, I can take it, sausage.
You know how much I like you.
I've always liked you.
You're in this so you can show off in your all-in-one.
Which, by the way, makes you look like a Findus bloody pancake! Missing out on Pancake Day!