Edge of Heaven (2014) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 Not a word, OK? But I wasn't gonna say anything.
I told you to zip it.
Well, you stop speaking, then.
I am only speaking to tell you not to speak.
Well, I wasn't gonna speak anyway.
- Good.
- Good.
Go out the back way, OK? Carly! Carly? Oi! What?! I can't do the walk of shame without my face on, can I? This is not a walk of shame.
Course not, babes.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
No, I just mean it's nothing, OK? Look, Carly, you're not gonna, like, say anything to anyone, are you? Michelle, you mean? As if.
This is our little secret.
You stupid, stupid idiot! We've got it here somewhere.
I know we have.
I'm telling you, Tan, it got smashed when them stags from Wales played rugby with it.
They played rugby with a ceramic milk jug? My Grampy Bevan was the same.
There was nothing he wouldn't drop-kick.
Gwennie the cat lived in constant fear.
Oh, man of the moment! What? Lover boy! How did you sleep, poppet? Fine.
Why? No, just asking.
Did you dream about Michelle? Course, obvs.
All night.
Ta-da! There you go, Mo.
One milk jug, unsmashed by rugby-playing stags from Wales.
They may not have played rugby with it, but they certainly used it for something.
I'll give it a wash.
Black-pudding breakfast? Nah, I'd better get ready for work.
Suit yourself.
Lover boy! Do you reckon I need a bigger jug than that? Cos my tutor was very particular about what I should bring in.
It's an art class, Mother.
It's all about perspective.
You could have a thimble-sized milk jug, and it'd be fine.
Wouldn't be very good for pouring milk.
I mean, when she's at her class, she can draw it as big as she likes, though why she's suddenly gone all Frida Kahlo on us at this late stage I do not know.
I think it's lovely she's found a hobby.
Most old people just curl up in front of Countryfile.
And then die.
Cheers.
You're clearly not the one having to use your flexi-time to drive Mum there every morning for a week.
I am taking the bus back, you know.
Have you remembered your bus pass and your snack-pack? Yes, yes! Actually, no.
You two got any plans for your birthday this weekend, then, Judith? I reckon Tan might have a little surprise for me.
My lips are sealed.
Aw! I forgot it was your birthday, Jude.
Any requests off us? Oh, don't be daft, Gary.
Just get me what you want, though I'm not keen on vouchers or flowers and I wouldn't give you a thank-you for a book.
So are you here on business or pleasure, then, folks? Pleasure, apparently.
That's never worked.
It's dead.
Never say never, girl.
He's always like this.
Can't keep his hands off things.
Sounds like my kind of bloke! It's an illness, actually.
He's work-mad.
This is our first holiday in six years.
He won't stop fiddling with that till Job done.
Brilliant! I mean, yeah, that must be awful.
So you are staying in the Whitney Houston suite, up the stairs, first left.
You hear that? Come on, get a move-on.
Sorry.
Sorry, bud.
Laters.
Oh, whoa.
I don't think so, soldier.
Not till you explain to me why you were snogging She-Devil Barbie.
How do you know about that? You don't understand, Ann-Marie.
I was totally out of it last night, and then she turned up and It was a mistake, OK? Don't say anything to Michelle.
Shut up.
As if! But I'm warning you now, this is like an IED just waiting to go off.
You've got to diffuse the situation before it detonates and blows up in your face.
Tick, tick, tick All right.
Enough.
BOOM! Yeah? Come on, then, what is it? My birthday surprise.
I can't wait till Saturday.
I'll go bananas.
What makes you think I've got you a surprise? There's a sparkly box wrapped up in the guests' lounge.
I stumbled across it.
Right.
Behind the DVDs in the sideboard that was locked? Yes.
Quirky B&Bs Of Britain? Yeah.
Are we staying in one of these for my birthday? We certainly are, if we're lucky.
Have you not booked yet? No, you're not following.
We can never get a star off the Tourist Board.
Yeah, cos of colour discrimination.
They don't judge your neon walls.
Anyway, I thought, bugger the Tourist Board, and let's aim for a spot in this.
Are you serious? Deadly! We've got a Quirky Assessor coming to stay this Saturday.
On my birthday?! Don't fret, pet, that's not your actual prezzie.
All the B&Bs in here have got something in common - one special feature which shows off their particular quirk.
The Buckingham Palace B&B's got an actual queen.
His name's Dave.
He looks lovely in that crown.
And the S&M B&B has got an actual dungeon.
Is that a cattle prod? My point is - we need something that properly defines the '80s What about? On it.
Now, how about a Wham!-inspired Club Tropicana cocktail bar, which I am gonna build for your birthday with my own fair hands? How amazing is that, eh? I can't believe it.
Can you believe it? I can't believe it! Why don't you do something for your birthday on the Sunday instead? Yeah, when the hotel inspector's gone.
He's NOT a hotel inspector, Gary, he's a Quirky Assessor! Besides, it won't be my birthday on Sunday, will it? I wouldn't mind normally, but, well, it's a bit of a big one.
How old is she? Oh! No! Exactly! How selfish is Tandeep? But he doesn't know your real age, Judy.
You've always lied about it.
I have not lied.
I have never lied, Gary! Not once.
I just haven't told him the truth.
Well, I completely understand, Jude.
A lady's got to have her secrets.
My Nana Bevan never told Grampy she had a false limb.
Never.
Look, why don't you just postpone it? Voila, birthday free.
Oh, Gary, that's just It's not a bad idea, actually.
Well, I'm glad that's sorted.
Do you mind if I watch telly now? Mo'll be back from her class soon, and I've got Jeremy Kyle to watch.
'Is my boyfriend also my brother?' How mega?! Very mega.
I wish I could claim Mum's care allowance and watch telly all morning.
Don't you, Gary? I'll say.
At this rate, he'll be ON that show.
Stop beating yourself up and sort it.
It sounds like Carly wants you back.
That's what all this has shown me - I really like Michelle.
Do you know what I don't get? Why I had to be such a bastard and cheat on her to realise that? No.
How can you have a better than a better-than-half-price sale? - Ain't that giving the stuff away? - Shut up! Cover me.
Oi, Columbo, get back on that till.
What's going on? Prop Maartie's said he'll kill Spanner if he comes in here.
Why? He's been in a right mood since him and Carly I think he really liked her.
Well, he's welcome to her.
I can smell you, Letter Box.
Joop Homme.
It stinks.
I can see you! Jesus, you're quick! Have you considered rugby, seriously? Hang about, if we can get Carly and Maartie together again If YOU can get them together - it'd just be weird coming from me - then Carly'd be off my back, everything'd be sorted.
Don't make me talk to him any more than I have to.
Relax.
You won't need to.
Looks like Carly's already told her.
No way! For real? Michelle wants to meet me tonight.
No kiss, no smiley face.
No smiley face? Carly's definitely told her.
You wanted to see me? Mm-hm.
There's something we need to talk about, Alf.
I just want you to know Our first proper date.
What? I want to go on a proper date.
We've never actually been on one because of Carly.
Great.
Great.
Awesome! Yeah, let's do it.
So you're not in a mood with me, then? No.
Why would you think that? Well, no kisses, not even a smiley face.
You try blow-drying and texting at the same time.
All right, you pair? Yeah, Sniper was just passing, so she thought she'd pop in.
How's it hanging, Mrs C? You OK? It's hanging fine.
Thanks.
You still in the army, Sally? I bastard wish.
I quit when she did, didn't I? Silly twat.
All right.
How's Layla, was it? The girl you were seeing? Dumped, yeah.
I've had a Ying-Yu, Tanisha and Bethany since then.
Yeah.
Got my eye on someone new now, mind.
They don't call me Fanny Magnet Jones for nothing! Watch out! Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah! You gonna let me up for air or what? Sorry, I'm just I can't believe this, us.
I'm so lucky.
Carly's gonna be back from lunch in a minute.
So maybe you should feel lucky somewhere else.
Right.
Course.
See you.
Call me later.
All right, babes? How was your lunch? Good.
Yeah.
Erm Look, thanks for not saying anything.
God, no, of course not.
I'd never.
So did you tell her we're getting back together then or? We're NOT getting back together.
Well, we talked about it.
Carly, I was wankered, OK? I also talked about going on Dragons' Den with my surf-slash-skateboard idea.
I think the skurfboard could work.
That's not the point.
I know we were drunk.
But you've got to admit you feel the same way.
I don't, Carly.
We're done.
You're not thinking straight, babe.
I know it's hard, but it's for the best.
It really is.
Now, just tell Michelle what happened, OK? Or I'll have to.
Oi! You awake? I am now.
What do you reckon to this for Mum's birthday? I don't know whether to get her the one sat on the mushroom, crying, or the one doing the splits, and crying.
I thought she had all of 'em.
No, they keep making new ones.
They're like the cockroach of the ceramics world.
Right, come on, then, choose.
Which one - that one or that one? Oh, for God's sake, Ann-Marie, I was up half the night worrying.
Chelle still don't know.
Are you serious? After what I told you! I know! Tick, tick, tick BOOM! Shush! I'll sort it, all right? I've got a plan.
Oh, good.
So have I, as it happens.
Not to do with you, to do with me.
You know my old school mate Sniper Jones? The one who joined up the same year as me? Beady eyes? Tattoos? Made Donkey cry that time they arm-wrestled? Oh, Fanny Magnet Jones? Exactly.
Me and Snipe have been meaning to catch up for ages, and yesterday she popped round and we got talking and, well, one thing led to another and I knew it.
Mum's gonna be made up.
She's always wanted a gay kid, ever since Cher had one.
I ain't no lezza! Not that there's anything wrong with being a lezza.
I love Sandi Toksvig, though maybe that's cos she bears an uncanny resemblance to Tom Cruise.
God, I could eat him whole.
Anyway Yeah, anyway, so Sniper just came round to offer me something.
Oh, yeah? I meant to put a proposal to me.
Ooh! Not a sexual one.
I'd avoid getting those extensions wet for the first few weeks, Tine.
Or overly dry.
They don't take too well to styling products neither.
If a tong goes anywhere near 'em, you'll go up like a Catherine wheel.
Oh, brilliant! Sorry, Tine, our real hair supplier's let us down.
Yeah.
Those are synthetic.
You don't say! I'd better start mixing Mrs Hawkins' colour.
She's in at ten.
Look, Carly, we haven't really spoke about stuff, and I just don't want there to be a bad feeling between us.
I know.
Me neither.
Honestly.
You're my best mate, Chelle.
We can't fall out over a bloke, can we? You really mean that? Yeah.
Urgh! I was um I was just after a trim.
Maybe a head massage, a bit of a shampoo Only off you, mind, not the mousey one.
Sorry, Maart, I don't seem to have any appointments available for arse-holes today.
Let me check next week.
No, nothing.
You said she couldn't wait to get her hands on the Prop again! It's true, she does.
But, well, you hurt her feelings, Maart, and she ain't just gonna roll over and beg for it, is she? You have to woo her a little bit.
Oh.
Nobody woos like the Prop.
I am the king of woo.
I'm the Woo-Tang Clan! And by 'woo' you mean hanky-panky, don't you? Yes.
Good.
Just checking.
Can you cover me tonight? I've got my date with Chelle.
Oh, she hasn't found out? Awesome.
No, not awesome.
I'm going to tell her tonight on the date.
I've got to be honest about this.
Look, if I can convince her that it was a big mistake, a one-off, and I am truly sorry, maybe she'll forgive me.
Maybe.
Either that or she'll cut your pecker off with a steak knife.
We were just after a few suggestions on things we could do for the day, Mr Chatterjee.
Have you checked out the flyers on the stand? My husband was supposed to be.
It's got a squeak.
Don't waste your time.
It always has.
More like wasting MY time.
Right.
Well, let's see I really like the Shell Grotto.
We went there yesterday.
It was a disaster.
We could've been walking around Asda for all Joe cared.
How about? He's only happy when he's doing something.
I'm sure he's not that bad.
How do you know? You don't live with him.
He took a work call last week at his uncle's funeral.
Well, life does go on.
He was a bearer at the time.
Job done! What exactly is it you do for a living, Joe? Joe's a builder! How handy is that, eh? Why? What do we need built? Your Club Tropicana cocktail bar.
Joe said he'd help make sure it's all done for Saturday.
Er, yeah, about that.
Don't get me wrong, Tan, I love the idea of it.
Who wouldn't want a full-scale cocktail bar taking up half their dining room? But? How about if we postpone it for a week or two, give us a chance to think of something really big? And then we could go away this weekend.
Are you mad? We can't! I've got the Quirky Assessor coming now.
Yeah, on my bloody birthday.
Just what I want to be doing on my special day - working! You're so selfish, Tandeep Chatterjee! Selfish? I'm doing this for us, for the business.
You don't normally make that much of a big deal on your birthday anyway.
And it's not like it's a biggie.
You're only 46, love.
Mm And how did our geriatric Van Gough get on today? Don't ask.
Have you got a sombrero, love? I need one for my class tomorrow.
I was sure you and Gary brought one back from Stitches.
Sitges.
Gary? I've got a part-time job.
Sue Fingers down Fishy Fingers sorted it.
I'm stuffing envelopes for a marketing firm.
It's dead easy.
I just stuff envelopes.
But why? Well, for a start, I can watch Jeremy Kyle, without being branded a benefits scrounger.
It was a joke, Gary! Well, no-one's laughing.
Nana Bevan was disgusted on the phone.
She's been on benefits all her life and she'd never had it thrown in her face by Grampy Bevan.
That's because he was on benefits too.
Do you think this qualifies as a sombrero? No.
How much money are you making? 2p for every three envelopes.
That's £33 per batch of 500.
After he's paid back the 50 quid.
It's just a deposit on the stock.
Don't worry, Gar, I've done 160 just sitting here.
That's almost £10! In three hours.
All right, Ann-Marie? Do I look all right? This bloody satellite box is on the blink as per usual.
Oh, no, it's not stuck on the History Channel again, is it? No, worse.
BBC4.
I wouldn't worry cos the only guests that use it are too boring to find something better to do anyway.
Oh, Hayley, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to It's all right, Mrs Chatterjee, I was just um I was just Nice one, Mum.
She's feeling like crap as is.
It's not my fault she's a work widow.
I'm the same.
That's why I came in.
I thought, while Tan and Joe are fussing over that bar on Saturday, you and me could have a girly day on my birthday.
What do you say? Sorry, no can do.
Oh, go on, Ann-Marie.
I thought we could have a bit of retail therapy in Primani, a glass of vino by the beach.
Well, cider for you, obviously.
No, I meant I literally can't.
I've got plans on Saturday with Sniper.
We're Well, we've decided to I knew it.
My God, I always knew it.
That's perfeciano, Ann-Marie! Though I think you could do way better than Sniper.
I always saw you with more of dipstick lesbian, someone a bit more girly, balance you out.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm NOT a lesbian! Sniper just came round to tell me about a job, that's all.
At a lesbian bar? No.
Stop going on about lesbians.
It's for ex-forces, actually, providing security detail for visiting dignitaries and stuff.
It's in Afghanistan.
The interview's in London on Saturday.
Afghanistan? Yep, back in the sand box where I belong.
And that's not a lesbian euphemism, neither.
What are you having? Do they do a four-cheese pizza? I can see a six-cheese and a cottage cheese, but no four-cheese.
You could always get a six-cheese and leave a couple of slices, I suppose.
No, I'm starving.
Sorry! Joke! Gotcha.
It's funny.
Are you all right, Alf? You seem I'm fine.
It's just You know I like you, don't you? Cos I really, really do.
Well I've got something I need to tell you.
What? I'm just so happy that we've finally got to do this - be together, I mean, after everything that happened.
Good.
Me too.
You had me worried there for a minute, you doughnut.
Actually, Chelle.
I'm very sorry, Tine, but how do I know you didn't pull them out overnight? Why would I pull out my OWN hair? Well, it's a condition, innit? Carly, I just had 'em put in! And you're sure you didn't wash it? No.
Dry it? No.
Tong it? No.
Brush it? I had to bloody brush it.
I did warn you.
I want my money back now, Carly.
One moment, I just need to converse with my colleague, OK? You're late.
Everything all right, Chelle? Yeah.
Fine.
Enjoy your date last night? Mm-hm.
Alfie OK, was he? Not that he wouldn't be, obvs.
He told me about you and him, if that's what you're getting at.
And then we broke up.
On our first proper date.
I'll take some free time in the sun shower as compensation.
Give me 30 minutes, we'll forget it.
20 minutes.
25.
Done.
Don't blame yourself, mate.
It weren't just you.
Who else slept with Carly, then? I meant it takes two to tango.
He took her dancing as well? It doesn't matter how you put it, Donk.
I'm the bad guy here, end of.
I have properly hurt Michelle and I'm ashamed of myself.
But you did the right thing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm gutted for you.
But she'd have found out.
I'm proud you told her the truth.
Yeah, and a fat lot of good that did me.
Ann-Marie was wrong.
I did everything I could to diffuse it, and it still went Sorry, fellas.
This MDF's a bugger.
You gonna eat that coconut, Tan? This isn't just any old coconut.
Oh, my God, is it a bomb? That's a speaker, you daft sod.
So when you press it, it plays the actual Club Tropicana Wham! song.
Go on, then.
Well, it will, I mean.
Joe's got to look at the wiring first.
Is that your jury-service suit? Certainly is.
Or as I like to call it, my lifer.
Are you still going for an interview, then, on Saturday? I hope so.
It cost me £3 to get this dry-cleaned.
Look, poppet, I've been thinking.
I'm not so sure you should be going.
Why not? There's work to do here for a start.
And? And I still haven't got anyone to go out with Saturday.
You are unbelievable, Mother.
You'd prefer me to miss out on a decent opportunity and stay at some crummy birthday bash just so you're happy.
I'm not having a birthday bash, even though it's a very special birthday and nobody gives a faff.
If you stopped lying about your age and told Tandeep how old you really are, maybe you'd be having a proper bash.
Jude? It wasn't so much a lie, Tan.
It was more of an untold secret.
We're married.
You don't have secrets in a marriage.
I'm pretty sure most people do.
Well, I don't and I think it's absolutely, fundamentally Sorry to interrupt, folks.
I just need a hand with the coconut, Tan.
Yeah.
Course.
On it, mate.
Are we OK now, then? No, we're bloody not! Now, is it the Dijoxin at 12 and the Lisinopril after lunch or vice versa? My muffin's burning.
Have you got any cream for it or? Oh, well, I'm glad you told me, Mother! I'd much prefer you did that than actually take them out of the toaster on time.
Ow! I am assembling a still life for my art class, Gary.
When are you going to bring some of your drawings home? Shush, Gary.
I'm only showing my support, Gar.
I want to pin them up on the fridge.
I'll pin YOU up on the fridge! I hope you understand I've had to take even more flexi-time off to sort Mum out now.
Well, you wanted me to get a job, cariad.
No, I did not! Snack-pack.
I like the crusts cut off.
Really? I'll pull 'em off.
It's fine.
We can give you the leather protector plus the warranty.
I'll sort this out, mate.
And take my 3%? Sod off.
You can keep your piddling percent.
Now, hop it.
Oh, right.
Cheers, Donk.
All right? Not really.
Chelle's in a terrible state.
I hate seeing her like it.
You came here to make me feel worse or what? Course not.
I just I wanted to talk about us.
Now it's all out in the open, we can crack on, babe.
We have to.
You just don't get, do you? You broke my heart, Carly.
And now I've broken Michelle's.
It's a pile-up.
I don't love you any more.
I'm not sure I even like you that much.
Look, Michelle will never take me back, but I'd rather have nobody than you.
Do you understand that? Hey, Donkey boy, what was blondie doing here? That actually hurts.
I don't care.
Well, if you must know, she was looking for you, as it happens.
She said you were the only bloke she'd buy a sofa off.
And she's looking for something quite big and very firm.
Nah! Serious? I knew it! They always come back to the Maartie honeypot.
Cos my loving is sugary and sweet and sticky.
Just like a Honeypot? That's right.
You're learning.
Knob.
Now, I am no leccy, Tandeep, but I say that if we switch the brown and the blue wires, we could have ourselves one singing coconut.
Great stuff.
I thought you boys deserved a tea break, all this hard work.
That's very kind of you, Mrs Chatterjee.
Judy, please.
If that's her real name.
Bickie? Oh, no, thanks, I'd better not.
The old girl'll have a fit.
She likes to keep me trim.
Oh, go on, they're my Lite Bites, less than ten calories per biscuit.
So she says.
Are you gonna keep this up? What up? Pick, pick, picking at some poxy mistake? It wasn't a mistake, it was a lie.
Are we talking about the biscuits? Shush! Judy, you lied to me about your age.
That's despicable.
OK, so I'm a bit older than you thought.
So bloody what? It's like I don't know you any more.
Are you originally from Margate? Are you allergic to chinchillas? Are you even a real blonde? Yes.
Yes.
And none of your cowin' business! I can't believe you'd have go like that in front of Jude? Jude, come on, it's not worth crying over.
Yes, it is.
It's a bloody mess! Eh? I'm sorry I lied to you, Tan.
But I had two kids and two ex-husbands when we met and I didn't need my age putting you off an' all.
It wouldn't have.
You don't know that.
I never said nothing cos .
.
I'm scared of getting old, I suppose, just like I'm scared that things will never go right for our Alfie.
And I'm bloody terrified about Ann-Marie going back to that horrible, horrible place.
Things are all to cock at the moment.
Do you know how much I love you right now? We're in this together, pet.
I'll hold your hand whenever you're scared, whatever you're scared of.
Do you forgive me, for lying? Course I do.
In fact, I don't care how old you are, to be honest.
Thank you.
Though, er how old are you, like? Just so I know.
If you must know, I'm Job done! Oh, my God! If you want dinner, can you make it yourself? Sue Fingers dropped another batch of 2,000 round this afternoon.
So I'm up to here.
WE'RE up to here.
Don't start now, Mo.
I've said I'll cut you in.
And Jean and Bob from next door.
Their granddaughters are just getting lollies.
I think that's fair, don't you? OK, you've proved your point.
These envelopes are going back now.
But Right now! No can do, boys.
Why not? The person that actually runs the Scam.
Business.
Is Old Ma Graham.
Old Ma Graham from the Cliftonville Mob? The Graham clan themselves.
What is this - The Sopranos? It's no joke, Gary.
The last person that flaked out on the envelope gig lost his 50 quid deposit.
Old Ma Graham said she'd hold 'em to the contract.
Is that code for concrete shoes? No.
Shut up, Gary! Where will I find this Mrs Old Mother Graham? Who's that with her? Wayne, her eldest.
Don't worry, he's a pussycat.
Well, that's what they called him in Broadmoor.
Even purrs, apparently.
Maybe we'll call back tomorrow, when she's alone.
What?! Someone's had all my chocolate fingers.
Except one.
You know I can't have coffee without some form of biscuit, covered in chocolate.
Every time, Ann-Marie, every time.
I can't have nothing of my own in this place.
All right, put your dummy back in, you big girl! Besides, you can have everything to yourself when I'm gone.
Good! Yeah, good! I didn't mean that.
I know.
Git.
Do you really think you should be going back? Has Mum been on at you? No.
Yes.
Her and her bloody birthday! It's nothing to do with her birthday.
She's worried about you.
You're her kid.
Shut up! I'm serious.
Do you think I should be going back? Personally, no.
You've done your bit.
You've made us all proud.
I think my big sister deserves an easier ride from now on.
Though Though? If you think you should be going, then you probably should.
You ain't someone that does things lightly.
You know your own mind.
That's why I've always looked up to you.
Cheers, Alf.
That's really kind of you to say.
Does that mean I can have your last chocolate finger? Sod off! I've been chatting with your mam, and we need to talk about Me going away? All sorted.
Oh, right.
She's also worried about your Shitty love life? Well, that's gonna need major work, unfortunately.
Well, it is.
Understood.
I'm on it.
Laters.
See what I mean? I don't know why you wanted to meet up.
It won't change how I feel.
Just hear me out, pet.
I'm just here to You've got some cheek coming in here.
You don't understand.
I understand, all right, you Mum! I've got this, Carly.
If you think you can come crawling back to my girl not one day after turning your back on her, you can bloody well think again.
Doesn't she know YOU dumped ME? That's by the by.
Now, say whatever rot you've got to say, and go.
Actually, I'm not here to see Carly.
No, he came to see me.
I asked him to.
What? Why? Cos I want to patch things up.
Or at least hear him out.
Shall we get a coffee? Yeah.
Hey, babe.
Oh, God Not quite, but close.
Now, listen, I'm sick of all this mucking about, OK? The fact is we both want to get it back on.
So how about you ditch Medusa over there and jump on the pussy pirate's motorboat, and I will speed you to sweet, wet, slippery ecstasy in that back office, right now? Maartie! This is my mother.
Oh, pleasure, babe.
So see you at the back in what? Five minutes.
Freshen up.
I don't get it.
What changed? Well, Tandeep came to see me, for a start.
He didn't?! Mm-hm.
Told me all about the problems him and your mum have had over the years.
Every single one, in fact.
Emotional, financial, sexual.
I am dying right now - you know that, don't you? He said that loving someone is a job, not a hobby.
That convinced you to contact me? Hardly! I was ready to never see a bloke again.
Then I went home to my dad and I asked him if I was mad for still wanting to be with you, after everything you've done.
And what did he say? That life's too short to deny yourself something you really want.
He's the same with model trains.
God, I am SO sorry, Chelle.
I I don't deserve you, but I swear I will never let you down like that again.
That's good.
Cos Dad said he'd knee-cap you, if you ever did.
Another coffee? Yeah.
Here we are.
I've popped extra black pudding on there for you both.
And another sausage.
And a bit more bacon.
I only wanted muesli.
Oh, I know, but it was just my way of saying sorry for the scene yesterday.
Don't worry about it, kid.
We all have our ups and downs, don't we? Some more than others.
While I remember, they're doing a deal down at the Beauty Spot Spa if you fancy it, Hayl.
2-for-1 for on a French polish and pedicure.
Do you want to join me? Oh, that'd be lovely.
Thanks, Judy.
Happy birthday, Mum.
Sorry for having a pop at you yesterday.
Aw, you shouldn't have done that, Ann-Marie.
Well, I do every other year, so I thought it was a little bit more modern, what with him using the iPad.
And crying.
Oh, I love it.
Yeah? Thank you.
So are you still going to your interview today, then? Yeah.
Can I just say, it was never about my birthday I know, Mum.
I know.
Alfie told me.
No.
Did he? He's a good boy, isn't he? Did he tell you not to go? Yes.
And then he said I should go if I want to.
Cos I'm a grown woman and I know my own mind.
He's right, isn't he? Pretty much.
Look, if I don't go and see what this job's all about .
.
I won't know what I'm missing, will I? Come here.
You can let go now.
Yeah.
Go on.
I've got to be in class by 10:30.
I can't be late, you know.
We know.
Shush, Mo.
This is serious business.
Is Old Ma Corleone here today, then, yet or what? In the corner.
Who's that with her today, Sue? That's her youngest, Shayne.
He hasn't had a sojourn at Her Majesty's pleasure too, has he? Nah.
They couldn't pin it on him cos they never found the whole body.
Just a finger or two.
We don't need that £50 as such, do we? Course not.
It's fine.
I'll just keep stuffing.
Good idea.
For goodness' sake, give them to me.
Go and stop her, Gary! You go and stop her.
She's your mam.
But you're her carer.
Exactly.
Carer, not bodyguard.
There's your deposit.
I don't believe it.
She got the money back.
She was only there two seconds.
I believe it.
She ain't gonna magic £50 of nowhere, is she? Thanks for all your hard work, Mo.
Pleasure's all mine, sausage.
And just through here, Dan, is what makes us that extra bit quirky.
Yes, our piss de resistance, if you will.
Ah Slow Comfortable Screw? I've had one.
It's very refreshing.
Cheers.
You're very welcome, mate.
Do you reckon we've got much chance of getting in this book, Daniel? I should think so.
You've really hit the right level of tackiness here.
What do you mean - tackiness? My B&B ain't tacky.
Jude I don't mean tacky tacky, more kitsch tacky.
You know, like retro naff Naff? NAFF?! Oi, oi, how's everyone? Oh, my, life, are you pair? Yep.
Did the trick, then, eh? Sort of Can I just say that I was mortified when I found out, Chelle? I never brought no son up of mine to think with his Moving on.
Happy birthday, Mum.
Ooh! Ohh! We thought the iPad made it more modern, what with the crying and all.
I love it.
Thank you.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I wish I'd known it was a big birthday.
I'd love to have taken you to a real Club Tropicana cocktail bar on a real beach.
You do know that bar's fully mobile, don't you, kid? Eh? Well, it's not a book, thank God.
It won't be much of anything, if you keep shaking it like that.
We just thought the iPad made it more More modern? You don't say? She hates it.
Come on, then, let's have a toast.
Ooh! To my lovely mother Judith Elizabeth Taylor Chatterjee.
- Happy birthday, Mum.
- Happy birthday.
Thank you.
How old are you, Mrs C? It don't matter, Span, she's a MILF.
Oi! What's a MILF? It's a mother I'd Oh.
Cheers, Donk.
Does that make me a GILF? You know what I don't miss? The constant griping over fags and booze over there.
True.
Or the army food.
Christ, it was shit.
Yeah.
Oh, and the heat.
That heat is a killer, isn't it? And the exhaustion.
I collapsed twice.
Three times.
The next train departing from platform two is the 16:28 to London, St Pancras.
Will you keep going on holiday now you've started? Yeah, deffo, son.
No stopping him now.
Lovely.
Where will you be going next? Back here.
Tan's got a load of odd jobs that he needs doing back at the B&B.
And Judy's said that she'll keep Hayley busy, so Job done! Please don't ever let us turn into that.
Deal.
# Happy birthday, happy birthday happy birthday, happy birthday Come on, Judith, make a wish.
Before Margate burns.
Ann-Marie! You're back early, pet.
Yeah.
We never went.
How come? I don't know.
I reckon the thought of going away was better than doing it.
Right, Snipe? Right.
Besides, we've got a family business to run.
And you can't run a family business without a family.
Aw! Any chance of a Golden Finger? Two parts vodka, three parts rum, shot of cider and some salt.
Made 'em back on the base all the time, didn't we? Certainly did, Snipe.
That and Slippery Tongues.
Oh, feeling that.
Remember it? Line 'em up, Tan.
No bother.
Knew it.
She's the spit of my sister Lilian, the builder.
I don't know what all this fuss is about.
I'm the one who should be in tears.
You left that colour in so long I'm like the bloody Snow Queen! You don't get it, Mum.
Oh, yes, I do.
Now Alfie doesn't want you, you want him back.
It's basic emotional maths.
You were exactly the same when you were a child and someone took your Bratz doll.
Oh.
Look, princess, what you need to do is move on from that boy, put him behind you, for good.
I don't think that's an option any more.
# Fun and sunshine # There's enough for everyone # All that's missing is the sea # But don't worry You can suntan Yo, yo, sweet potato.
What's up, fry-up? I love you.
That's what's up.
Alfie! I do.
I love you.
There, I've said it.
Aw! Leave it out, you two.
I've just had a chicken tikka kebab.
Hey, don't be mean to your brother.
Yeah, Ann-Marie.
I think it's beautiful.
Love is what makes the world go round, after all.
I think you'll find that's gravity, Judith.
What's going on? Alfie's drunk.
I ain't drunk.
I'm just happy, and I don't care who knows it.
I'm the happiest man in the world right now.
Do you hear me, Margate? - Do ya?! - Yeah! We can hear, all right.
Oh, my Gaga! Ding, ding, round two.
Look, if you've come here to make trouble Then you're in the right place.
Ann-Marie, you take Carly.
I'll take rubber lips.
Nobody's fighting anyone.
Why are you here? Erm Carly, are you OK? I'm pregnant.
We're having a baby, Alf.
I'm gonna be a gran.
Oh, my God, a gran You take the left and I'll take the right before he Yeah, that.
I told you to zip it.
Well, you stop speaking, then.
I am only speaking to tell you not to speak.
Well, I wasn't gonna speak anyway.
- Good.
- Good.
Go out the back way, OK? Carly! Carly? Oi! What?! I can't do the walk of shame without my face on, can I? This is not a walk of shame.
Course not, babes.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
No, I just mean it's nothing, OK? Look, Carly, you're not gonna, like, say anything to anyone, are you? Michelle, you mean? As if.
This is our little secret.
You stupid, stupid idiot! We've got it here somewhere.
I know we have.
I'm telling you, Tan, it got smashed when them stags from Wales played rugby with it.
They played rugby with a ceramic milk jug? My Grampy Bevan was the same.
There was nothing he wouldn't drop-kick.
Gwennie the cat lived in constant fear.
Oh, man of the moment! What? Lover boy! How did you sleep, poppet? Fine.
Why? No, just asking.
Did you dream about Michelle? Course, obvs.
All night.
Ta-da! There you go, Mo.
One milk jug, unsmashed by rugby-playing stags from Wales.
They may not have played rugby with it, but they certainly used it for something.
I'll give it a wash.
Black-pudding breakfast? Nah, I'd better get ready for work.
Suit yourself.
Lover boy! Do you reckon I need a bigger jug than that? Cos my tutor was very particular about what I should bring in.
It's an art class, Mother.
It's all about perspective.
You could have a thimble-sized milk jug, and it'd be fine.
Wouldn't be very good for pouring milk.
I mean, when she's at her class, she can draw it as big as she likes, though why she's suddenly gone all Frida Kahlo on us at this late stage I do not know.
I think it's lovely she's found a hobby.
Most old people just curl up in front of Countryfile.
And then die.
Cheers.
You're clearly not the one having to use your flexi-time to drive Mum there every morning for a week.
I am taking the bus back, you know.
Have you remembered your bus pass and your snack-pack? Yes, yes! Actually, no.
You two got any plans for your birthday this weekend, then, Judith? I reckon Tan might have a little surprise for me.
My lips are sealed.
Aw! I forgot it was your birthday, Jude.
Any requests off us? Oh, don't be daft, Gary.
Just get me what you want, though I'm not keen on vouchers or flowers and I wouldn't give you a thank-you for a book.
So are you here on business or pleasure, then, folks? Pleasure, apparently.
That's never worked.
It's dead.
Never say never, girl.
He's always like this.
Can't keep his hands off things.
Sounds like my kind of bloke! It's an illness, actually.
He's work-mad.
This is our first holiday in six years.
He won't stop fiddling with that till Job done.
Brilliant! I mean, yeah, that must be awful.
So you are staying in the Whitney Houston suite, up the stairs, first left.
You hear that? Come on, get a move-on.
Sorry.
Sorry, bud.
Laters.
Oh, whoa.
I don't think so, soldier.
Not till you explain to me why you were snogging She-Devil Barbie.
How do you know about that? You don't understand, Ann-Marie.
I was totally out of it last night, and then she turned up and It was a mistake, OK? Don't say anything to Michelle.
Shut up.
As if! But I'm warning you now, this is like an IED just waiting to go off.
You've got to diffuse the situation before it detonates and blows up in your face.
Tick, tick, tick All right.
Enough.
BOOM! Yeah? Come on, then, what is it? My birthday surprise.
I can't wait till Saturday.
I'll go bananas.
What makes you think I've got you a surprise? There's a sparkly box wrapped up in the guests' lounge.
I stumbled across it.
Right.
Behind the DVDs in the sideboard that was locked? Yes.
Quirky B&Bs Of Britain? Yeah.
Are we staying in one of these for my birthday? We certainly are, if we're lucky.
Have you not booked yet? No, you're not following.
We can never get a star off the Tourist Board.
Yeah, cos of colour discrimination.
They don't judge your neon walls.
Anyway, I thought, bugger the Tourist Board, and let's aim for a spot in this.
Are you serious? Deadly! We've got a Quirky Assessor coming to stay this Saturday.
On my birthday?! Don't fret, pet, that's not your actual prezzie.
All the B&Bs in here have got something in common - one special feature which shows off their particular quirk.
The Buckingham Palace B&B's got an actual queen.
His name's Dave.
He looks lovely in that crown.
And the S&M B&B has got an actual dungeon.
Is that a cattle prod? My point is - we need something that properly defines the '80s What about? On it.
Now, how about a Wham!-inspired Club Tropicana cocktail bar, which I am gonna build for your birthday with my own fair hands? How amazing is that, eh? I can't believe it.
Can you believe it? I can't believe it! Why don't you do something for your birthday on the Sunday instead? Yeah, when the hotel inspector's gone.
He's NOT a hotel inspector, Gary, he's a Quirky Assessor! Besides, it won't be my birthday on Sunday, will it? I wouldn't mind normally, but, well, it's a bit of a big one.
How old is she? Oh! No! Exactly! How selfish is Tandeep? But he doesn't know your real age, Judy.
You've always lied about it.
I have not lied.
I have never lied, Gary! Not once.
I just haven't told him the truth.
Well, I completely understand, Jude.
A lady's got to have her secrets.
My Nana Bevan never told Grampy she had a false limb.
Never.
Look, why don't you just postpone it? Voila, birthday free.
Oh, Gary, that's just It's not a bad idea, actually.
Well, I'm glad that's sorted.
Do you mind if I watch telly now? Mo'll be back from her class soon, and I've got Jeremy Kyle to watch.
'Is my boyfriend also my brother?' How mega?! Very mega.
I wish I could claim Mum's care allowance and watch telly all morning.
Don't you, Gary? I'll say.
At this rate, he'll be ON that show.
Stop beating yourself up and sort it.
It sounds like Carly wants you back.
That's what all this has shown me - I really like Michelle.
Do you know what I don't get? Why I had to be such a bastard and cheat on her to realise that? No.
How can you have a better than a better-than-half-price sale? - Ain't that giving the stuff away? - Shut up! Cover me.
Oi, Columbo, get back on that till.
What's going on? Prop Maartie's said he'll kill Spanner if he comes in here.
Why? He's been in a right mood since him and Carly I think he really liked her.
Well, he's welcome to her.
I can smell you, Letter Box.
Joop Homme.
It stinks.
I can see you! Jesus, you're quick! Have you considered rugby, seriously? Hang about, if we can get Carly and Maartie together again If YOU can get them together - it'd just be weird coming from me - then Carly'd be off my back, everything'd be sorted.
Don't make me talk to him any more than I have to.
Relax.
You won't need to.
Looks like Carly's already told her.
No way! For real? Michelle wants to meet me tonight.
No kiss, no smiley face.
No smiley face? Carly's definitely told her.
You wanted to see me? Mm-hm.
There's something we need to talk about, Alf.
I just want you to know Our first proper date.
What? I want to go on a proper date.
We've never actually been on one because of Carly.
Great.
Great.
Awesome! Yeah, let's do it.
So you're not in a mood with me, then? No.
Why would you think that? Well, no kisses, not even a smiley face.
You try blow-drying and texting at the same time.
All right, you pair? Yeah, Sniper was just passing, so she thought she'd pop in.
How's it hanging, Mrs C? You OK? It's hanging fine.
Thanks.
You still in the army, Sally? I bastard wish.
I quit when she did, didn't I? Silly twat.
All right.
How's Layla, was it? The girl you were seeing? Dumped, yeah.
I've had a Ying-Yu, Tanisha and Bethany since then.
Yeah.
Got my eye on someone new now, mind.
They don't call me Fanny Magnet Jones for nothing! Watch out! Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah! You gonna let me up for air or what? Sorry, I'm just I can't believe this, us.
I'm so lucky.
Carly's gonna be back from lunch in a minute.
So maybe you should feel lucky somewhere else.
Right.
Course.
See you.
Call me later.
All right, babes? How was your lunch? Good.
Yeah.
Erm Look, thanks for not saying anything.
God, no, of course not.
I'd never.
So did you tell her we're getting back together then or? We're NOT getting back together.
Well, we talked about it.
Carly, I was wankered, OK? I also talked about going on Dragons' Den with my surf-slash-skateboard idea.
I think the skurfboard could work.
That's not the point.
I know we were drunk.
But you've got to admit you feel the same way.
I don't, Carly.
We're done.
You're not thinking straight, babe.
I know it's hard, but it's for the best.
It really is.
Now, just tell Michelle what happened, OK? Or I'll have to.
Oi! You awake? I am now.
What do you reckon to this for Mum's birthday? I don't know whether to get her the one sat on the mushroom, crying, or the one doing the splits, and crying.
I thought she had all of 'em.
No, they keep making new ones.
They're like the cockroach of the ceramics world.
Right, come on, then, choose.
Which one - that one or that one? Oh, for God's sake, Ann-Marie, I was up half the night worrying.
Chelle still don't know.
Are you serious? After what I told you! I know! Tick, tick, tick BOOM! Shush! I'll sort it, all right? I've got a plan.
Oh, good.
So have I, as it happens.
Not to do with you, to do with me.
You know my old school mate Sniper Jones? The one who joined up the same year as me? Beady eyes? Tattoos? Made Donkey cry that time they arm-wrestled? Oh, Fanny Magnet Jones? Exactly.
Me and Snipe have been meaning to catch up for ages, and yesterday she popped round and we got talking and, well, one thing led to another and I knew it.
Mum's gonna be made up.
She's always wanted a gay kid, ever since Cher had one.
I ain't no lezza! Not that there's anything wrong with being a lezza.
I love Sandi Toksvig, though maybe that's cos she bears an uncanny resemblance to Tom Cruise.
God, I could eat him whole.
Anyway Yeah, anyway, so Sniper just came round to offer me something.
Oh, yeah? I meant to put a proposal to me.
Ooh! Not a sexual one.
I'd avoid getting those extensions wet for the first few weeks, Tine.
Or overly dry.
They don't take too well to styling products neither.
If a tong goes anywhere near 'em, you'll go up like a Catherine wheel.
Oh, brilliant! Sorry, Tine, our real hair supplier's let us down.
Yeah.
Those are synthetic.
You don't say! I'd better start mixing Mrs Hawkins' colour.
She's in at ten.
Look, Carly, we haven't really spoke about stuff, and I just don't want there to be a bad feeling between us.
I know.
Me neither.
Honestly.
You're my best mate, Chelle.
We can't fall out over a bloke, can we? You really mean that? Yeah.
Urgh! I was um I was just after a trim.
Maybe a head massage, a bit of a shampoo Only off you, mind, not the mousey one.
Sorry, Maart, I don't seem to have any appointments available for arse-holes today.
Let me check next week.
No, nothing.
You said she couldn't wait to get her hands on the Prop again! It's true, she does.
But, well, you hurt her feelings, Maart, and she ain't just gonna roll over and beg for it, is she? You have to woo her a little bit.
Oh.
Nobody woos like the Prop.
I am the king of woo.
I'm the Woo-Tang Clan! And by 'woo' you mean hanky-panky, don't you? Yes.
Good.
Just checking.
Can you cover me tonight? I've got my date with Chelle.
Oh, she hasn't found out? Awesome.
No, not awesome.
I'm going to tell her tonight on the date.
I've got to be honest about this.
Look, if I can convince her that it was a big mistake, a one-off, and I am truly sorry, maybe she'll forgive me.
Maybe.
Either that or she'll cut your pecker off with a steak knife.
We were just after a few suggestions on things we could do for the day, Mr Chatterjee.
Have you checked out the flyers on the stand? My husband was supposed to be.
It's got a squeak.
Don't waste your time.
It always has.
More like wasting MY time.
Right.
Well, let's see I really like the Shell Grotto.
We went there yesterday.
It was a disaster.
We could've been walking around Asda for all Joe cared.
How about? He's only happy when he's doing something.
I'm sure he's not that bad.
How do you know? You don't live with him.
He took a work call last week at his uncle's funeral.
Well, life does go on.
He was a bearer at the time.
Job done! What exactly is it you do for a living, Joe? Joe's a builder! How handy is that, eh? Why? What do we need built? Your Club Tropicana cocktail bar.
Joe said he'd help make sure it's all done for Saturday.
Er, yeah, about that.
Don't get me wrong, Tan, I love the idea of it.
Who wouldn't want a full-scale cocktail bar taking up half their dining room? But? How about if we postpone it for a week or two, give us a chance to think of something really big? And then we could go away this weekend.
Are you mad? We can't! I've got the Quirky Assessor coming now.
Yeah, on my bloody birthday.
Just what I want to be doing on my special day - working! You're so selfish, Tandeep Chatterjee! Selfish? I'm doing this for us, for the business.
You don't normally make that much of a big deal on your birthday anyway.
And it's not like it's a biggie.
You're only 46, love.
Mm And how did our geriatric Van Gough get on today? Don't ask.
Have you got a sombrero, love? I need one for my class tomorrow.
I was sure you and Gary brought one back from Stitches.
Sitges.
Gary? I've got a part-time job.
Sue Fingers down Fishy Fingers sorted it.
I'm stuffing envelopes for a marketing firm.
It's dead easy.
I just stuff envelopes.
But why? Well, for a start, I can watch Jeremy Kyle, without being branded a benefits scrounger.
It was a joke, Gary! Well, no-one's laughing.
Nana Bevan was disgusted on the phone.
She's been on benefits all her life and she'd never had it thrown in her face by Grampy Bevan.
That's because he was on benefits too.
Do you think this qualifies as a sombrero? No.
How much money are you making? 2p for every three envelopes.
That's £33 per batch of 500.
After he's paid back the 50 quid.
It's just a deposit on the stock.
Don't worry, Gar, I've done 160 just sitting here.
That's almost £10! In three hours.
All right, Ann-Marie? Do I look all right? This bloody satellite box is on the blink as per usual.
Oh, no, it's not stuck on the History Channel again, is it? No, worse.
BBC4.
I wouldn't worry cos the only guests that use it are too boring to find something better to do anyway.
Oh, Hayley, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to It's all right, Mrs Chatterjee, I was just um I was just Nice one, Mum.
She's feeling like crap as is.
It's not my fault she's a work widow.
I'm the same.
That's why I came in.
I thought, while Tan and Joe are fussing over that bar on Saturday, you and me could have a girly day on my birthday.
What do you say? Sorry, no can do.
Oh, go on, Ann-Marie.
I thought we could have a bit of retail therapy in Primani, a glass of vino by the beach.
Well, cider for you, obviously.
No, I meant I literally can't.
I've got plans on Saturday with Sniper.
We're Well, we've decided to I knew it.
My God, I always knew it.
That's perfeciano, Ann-Marie! Though I think you could do way better than Sniper.
I always saw you with more of dipstick lesbian, someone a bit more girly, balance you out.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm NOT a lesbian! Sniper just came round to tell me about a job, that's all.
At a lesbian bar? No.
Stop going on about lesbians.
It's for ex-forces, actually, providing security detail for visiting dignitaries and stuff.
It's in Afghanistan.
The interview's in London on Saturday.
Afghanistan? Yep, back in the sand box where I belong.
And that's not a lesbian euphemism, neither.
What are you having? Do they do a four-cheese pizza? I can see a six-cheese and a cottage cheese, but no four-cheese.
You could always get a six-cheese and leave a couple of slices, I suppose.
No, I'm starving.
Sorry! Joke! Gotcha.
It's funny.
Are you all right, Alf? You seem I'm fine.
It's just You know I like you, don't you? Cos I really, really do.
Well I've got something I need to tell you.
What? I'm just so happy that we've finally got to do this - be together, I mean, after everything that happened.
Good.
Me too.
You had me worried there for a minute, you doughnut.
Actually, Chelle.
I'm very sorry, Tine, but how do I know you didn't pull them out overnight? Why would I pull out my OWN hair? Well, it's a condition, innit? Carly, I just had 'em put in! And you're sure you didn't wash it? No.
Dry it? No.
Tong it? No.
Brush it? I had to bloody brush it.
I did warn you.
I want my money back now, Carly.
One moment, I just need to converse with my colleague, OK? You're late.
Everything all right, Chelle? Yeah.
Fine.
Enjoy your date last night? Mm-hm.
Alfie OK, was he? Not that he wouldn't be, obvs.
He told me about you and him, if that's what you're getting at.
And then we broke up.
On our first proper date.
I'll take some free time in the sun shower as compensation.
Give me 30 minutes, we'll forget it.
20 minutes.
25.
Done.
Don't blame yourself, mate.
It weren't just you.
Who else slept with Carly, then? I meant it takes two to tango.
He took her dancing as well? It doesn't matter how you put it, Donk.
I'm the bad guy here, end of.
I have properly hurt Michelle and I'm ashamed of myself.
But you did the right thing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm gutted for you.
But she'd have found out.
I'm proud you told her the truth.
Yeah, and a fat lot of good that did me.
Ann-Marie was wrong.
I did everything I could to diffuse it, and it still went Sorry, fellas.
This MDF's a bugger.
You gonna eat that coconut, Tan? This isn't just any old coconut.
Oh, my God, is it a bomb? That's a speaker, you daft sod.
So when you press it, it plays the actual Club Tropicana Wham! song.
Go on, then.
Well, it will, I mean.
Joe's got to look at the wiring first.
Is that your jury-service suit? Certainly is.
Or as I like to call it, my lifer.
Are you still going for an interview, then, on Saturday? I hope so.
It cost me £3 to get this dry-cleaned.
Look, poppet, I've been thinking.
I'm not so sure you should be going.
Why not? There's work to do here for a start.
And? And I still haven't got anyone to go out with Saturday.
You are unbelievable, Mother.
You'd prefer me to miss out on a decent opportunity and stay at some crummy birthday bash just so you're happy.
I'm not having a birthday bash, even though it's a very special birthday and nobody gives a faff.
If you stopped lying about your age and told Tandeep how old you really are, maybe you'd be having a proper bash.
Jude? It wasn't so much a lie, Tan.
It was more of an untold secret.
We're married.
You don't have secrets in a marriage.
I'm pretty sure most people do.
Well, I don't and I think it's absolutely, fundamentally Sorry to interrupt, folks.
I just need a hand with the coconut, Tan.
Yeah.
Course.
On it, mate.
Are we OK now, then? No, we're bloody not! Now, is it the Dijoxin at 12 and the Lisinopril after lunch or vice versa? My muffin's burning.
Have you got any cream for it or? Oh, well, I'm glad you told me, Mother! I'd much prefer you did that than actually take them out of the toaster on time.
Ow! I am assembling a still life for my art class, Gary.
When are you going to bring some of your drawings home? Shush, Gary.
I'm only showing my support, Gar.
I want to pin them up on the fridge.
I'll pin YOU up on the fridge! I hope you understand I've had to take even more flexi-time off to sort Mum out now.
Well, you wanted me to get a job, cariad.
No, I did not! Snack-pack.
I like the crusts cut off.
Really? I'll pull 'em off.
It's fine.
We can give you the leather protector plus the warranty.
I'll sort this out, mate.
And take my 3%? Sod off.
You can keep your piddling percent.
Now, hop it.
Oh, right.
Cheers, Donk.
All right? Not really.
Chelle's in a terrible state.
I hate seeing her like it.
You came here to make me feel worse or what? Course not.
I just I wanted to talk about us.
Now it's all out in the open, we can crack on, babe.
We have to.
You just don't get, do you? You broke my heart, Carly.
And now I've broken Michelle's.
It's a pile-up.
I don't love you any more.
I'm not sure I even like you that much.
Look, Michelle will never take me back, but I'd rather have nobody than you.
Do you understand that? Hey, Donkey boy, what was blondie doing here? That actually hurts.
I don't care.
Well, if you must know, she was looking for you, as it happens.
She said you were the only bloke she'd buy a sofa off.
And she's looking for something quite big and very firm.
Nah! Serious? I knew it! They always come back to the Maartie honeypot.
Cos my loving is sugary and sweet and sticky.
Just like a Honeypot? That's right.
You're learning.
Knob.
Now, I am no leccy, Tandeep, but I say that if we switch the brown and the blue wires, we could have ourselves one singing coconut.
Great stuff.
I thought you boys deserved a tea break, all this hard work.
That's very kind of you, Mrs Chatterjee.
Judy, please.
If that's her real name.
Bickie? Oh, no, thanks, I'd better not.
The old girl'll have a fit.
She likes to keep me trim.
Oh, go on, they're my Lite Bites, less than ten calories per biscuit.
So she says.
Are you gonna keep this up? What up? Pick, pick, picking at some poxy mistake? It wasn't a mistake, it was a lie.
Are we talking about the biscuits? Shush! Judy, you lied to me about your age.
That's despicable.
OK, so I'm a bit older than you thought.
So bloody what? It's like I don't know you any more.
Are you originally from Margate? Are you allergic to chinchillas? Are you even a real blonde? Yes.
Yes.
And none of your cowin' business! I can't believe you'd have go like that in front of Jude? Jude, come on, it's not worth crying over.
Yes, it is.
It's a bloody mess! Eh? I'm sorry I lied to you, Tan.
But I had two kids and two ex-husbands when we met and I didn't need my age putting you off an' all.
It wouldn't have.
You don't know that.
I never said nothing cos .
.
I'm scared of getting old, I suppose, just like I'm scared that things will never go right for our Alfie.
And I'm bloody terrified about Ann-Marie going back to that horrible, horrible place.
Things are all to cock at the moment.
Do you know how much I love you right now? We're in this together, pet.
I'll hold your hand whenever you're scared, whatever you're scared of.
Do you forgive me, for lying? Course I do.
In fact, I don't care how old you are, to be honest.
Thank you.
Though, er how old are you, like? Just so I know.
If you must know, I'm Job done! Oh, my God! If you want dinner, can you make it yourself? Sue Fingers dropped another batch of 2,000 round this afternoon.
So I'm up to here.
WE'RE up to here.
Don't start now, Mo.
I've said I'll cut you in.
And Jean and Bob from next door.
Their granddaughters are just getting lollies.
I think that's fair, don't you? OK, you've proved your point.
These envelopes are going back now.
But Right now! No can do, boys.
Why not? The person that actually runs the Scam.
Business.
Is Old Ma Graham.
Old Ma Graham from the Cliftonville Mob? The Graham clan themselves.
What is this - The Sopranos? It's no joke, Gary.
The last person that flaked out on the envelope gig lost his 50 quid deposit.
Old Ma Graham said she'd hold 'em to the contract.
Is that code for concrete shoes? No.
Shut up, Gary! Where will I find this Mrs Old Mother Graham? Who's that with her? Wayne, her eldest.
Don't worry, he's a pussycat.
Well, that's what they called him in Broadmoor.
Even purrs, apparently.
Maybe we'll call back tomorrow, when she's alone.
What?! Someone's had all my chocolate fingers.
Except one.
You know I can't have coffee without some form of biscuit, covered in chocolate.
Every time, Ann-Marie, every time.
I can't have nothing of my own in this place.
All right, put your dummy back in, you big girl! Besides, you can have everything to yourself when I'm gone.
Good! Yeah, good! I didn't mean that.
I know.
Git.
Do you really think you should be going back? Has Mum been on at you? No.
Yes.
Her and her bloody birthday! It's nothing to do with her birthday.
She's worried about you.
You're her kid.
Shut up! I'm serious.
Do you think I should be going back? Personally, no.
You've done your bit.
You've made us all proud.
I think my big sister deserves an easier ride from now on.
Though Though? If you think you should be going, then you probably should.
You ain't someone that does things lightly.
You know your own mind.
That's why I've always looked up to you.
Cheers, Alf.
That's really kind of you to say.
Does that mean I can have your last chocolate finger? Sod off! I've been chatting with your mam, and we need to talk about Me going away? All sorted.
Oh, right.
She's also worried about your Shitty love life? Well, that's gonna need major work, unfortunately.
Well, it is.
Understood.
I'm on it.
Laters.
See what I mean? I don't know why you wanted to meet up.
It won't change how I feel.
Just hear me out, pet.
I'm just here to You've got some cheek coming in here.
You don't understand.
I understand, all right, you Mum! I've got this, Carly.
If you think you can come crawling back to my girl not one day after turning your back on her, you can bloody well think again.
Doesn't she know YOU dumped ME? That's by the by.
Now, say whatever rot you've got to say, and go.
Actually, I'm not here to see Carly.
No, he came to see me.
I asked him to.
What? Why? Cos I want to patch things up.
Or at least hear him out.
Shall we get a coffee? Yeah.
Hey, babe.
Oh, God Not quite, but close.
Now, listen, I'm sick of all this mucking about, OK? The fact is we both want to get it back on.
So how about you ditch Medusa over there and jump on the pussy pirate's motorboat, and I will speed you to sweet, wet, slippery ecstasy in that back office, right now? Maartie! This is my mother.
Oh, pleasure, babe.
So see you at the back in what? Five minutes.
Freshen up.
I don't get it.
What changed? Well, Tandeep came to see me, for a start.
He didn't?! Mm-hm.
Told me all about the problems him and your mum have had over the years.
Every single one, in fact.
Emotional, financial, sexual.
I am dying right now - you know that, don't you? He said that loving someone is a job, not a hobby.
That convinced you to contact me? Hardly! I was ready to never see a bloke again.
Then I went home to my dad and I asked him if I was mad for still wanting to be with you, after everything you've done.
And what did he say? That life's too short to deny yourself something you really want.
He's the same with model trains.
God, I am SO sorry, Chelle.
I I don't deserve you, but I swear I will never let you down like that again.
That's good.
Cos Dad said he'd knee-cap you, if you ever did.
Another coffee? Yeah.
Here we are.
I've popped extra black pudding on there for you both.
And another sausage.
And a bit more bacon.
I only wanted muesli.
Oh, I know, but it was just my way of saying sorry for the scene yesterday.
Don't worry about it, kid.
We all have our ups and downs, don't we? Some more than others.
While I remember, they're doing a deal down at the Beauty Spot Spa if you fancy it, Hayl.
2-for-1 for on a French polish and pedicure.
Do you want to join me? Oh, that'd be lovely.
Thanks, Judy.
Happy birthday, Mum.
Sorry for having a pop at you yesterday.
Aw, you shouldn't have done that, Ann-Marie.
Well, I do every other year, so I thought it was a little bit more modern, what with him using the iPad.
And crying.
Oh, I love it.
Yeah? Thank you.
So are you still going to your interview today, then? Yeah.
Can I just say, it was never about my birthday I know, Mum.
I know.
Alfie told me.
No.
Did he? He's a good boy, isn't he? Did he tell you not to go? Yes.
And then he said I should go if I want to.
Cos I'm a grown woman and I know my own mind.
He's right, isn't he? Pretty much.
Look, if I don't go and see what this job's all about .
.
I won't know what I'm missing, will I? Come here.
You can let go now.
Yeah.
Go on.
I've got to be in class by 10:30.
I can't be late, you know.
We know.
Shush, Mo.
This is serious business.
Is Old Ma Corleone here today, then, yet or what? In the corner.
Who's that with her today, Sue? That's her youngest, Shayne.
He hasn't had a sojourn at Her Majesty's pleasure too, has he? Nah.
They couldn't pin it on him cos they never found the whole body.
Just a finger or two.
We don't need that £50 as such, do we? Course not.
It's fine.
I'll just keep stuffing.
Good idea.
For goodness' sake, give them to me.
Go and stop her, Gary! You go and stop her.
She's your mam.
But you're her carer.
Exactly.
Carer, not bodyguard.
There's your deposit.
I don't believe it.
She got the money back.
She was only there two seconds.
I believe it.
She ain't gonna magic £50 of nowhere, is she? Thanks for all your hard work, Mo.
Pleasure's all mine, sausage.
And just through here, Dan, is what makes us that extra bit quirky.
Yes, our piss de resistance, if you will.
Ah Slow Comfortable Screw? I've had one.
It's very refreshing.
Cheers.
You're very welcome, mate.
Do you reckon we've got much chance of getting in this book, Daniel? I should think so.
You've really hit the right level of tackiness here.
What do you mean - tackiness? My B&B ain't tacky.
Jude I don't mean tacky tacky, more kitsch tacky.
You know, like retro naff Naff? NAFF?! Oi, oi, how's everyone? Oh, my, life, are you pair? Yep.
Did the trick, then, eh? Sort of Can I just say that I was mortified when I found out, Chelle? I never brought no son up of mine to think with his Moving on.
Happy birthday, Mum.
Ooh! Ohh! We thought the iPad made it more modern, what with the crying and all.
I love it.
Thank you.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I wish I'd known it was a big birthday.
I'd love to have taken you to a real Club Tropicana cocktail bar on a real beach.
You do know that bar's fully mobile, don't you, kid? Eh? Well, it's not a book, thank God.
It won't be much of anything, if you keep shaking it like that.
We just thought the iPad made it more More modern? You don't say? She hates it.
Come on, then, let's have a toast.
Ooh! To my lovely mother Judith Elizabeth Taylor Chatterjee.
- Happy birthday, Mum.
- Happy birthday.
Thank you.
How old are you, Mrs C? It don't matter, Span, she's a MILF.
Oi! What's a MILF? It's a mother I'd Oh.
Cheers, Donk.
Does that make me a GILF? You know what I don't miss? The constant griping over fags and booze over there.
True.
Or the army food.
Christ, it was shit.
Yeah.
Oh, and the heat.
That heat is a killer, isn't it? And the exhaustion.
I collapsed twice.
Three times.
The next train departing from platform two is the 16:28 to London, St Pancras.
Will you keep going on holiday now you've started? Yeah, deffo, son.
No stopping him now.
Lovely.
Where will you be going next? Back here.
Tan's got a load of odd jobs that he needs doing back at the B&B.
And Judy's said that she'll keep Hayley busy, so Job done! Please don't ever let us turn into that.
Deal.
# Happy birthday, happy birthday happy birthday, happy birthday Come on, Judith, make a wish.
Before Margate burns.
Ann-Marie! You're back early, pet.
Yeah.
We never went.
How come? I don't know.
I reckon the thought of going away was better than doing it.
Right, Snipe? Right.
Besides, we've got a family business to run.
And you can't run a family business without a family.
Aw! Any chance of a Golden Finger? Two parts vodka, three parts rum, shot of cider and some salt.
Made 'em back on the base all the time, didn't we? Certainly did, Snipe.
That and Slippery Tongues.
Oh, feeling that.
Remember it? Line 'em up, Tan.
No bother.
Knew it.
She's the spit of my sister Lilian, the builder.
I don't know what all this fuss is about.
I'm the one who should be in tears.
You left that colour in so long I'm like the bloody Snow Queen! You don't get it, Mum.
Oh, yes, I do.
Now Alfie doesn't want you, you want him back.
It's basic emotional maths.
You were exactly the same when you were a child and someone took your Bratz doll.
Oh.
Look, princess, what you need to do is move on from that boy, put him behind you, for good.
I don't think that's an option any more.
# Fun and sunshine # There's enough for everyone # All that's missing is the sea # But don't worry You can suntan Yo, yo, sweet potato.
What's up, fry-up? I love you.
That's what's up.
Alfie! I do.
I love you.
There, I've said it.
Aw! Leave it out, you two.
I've just had a chicken tikka kebab.
Hey, don't be mean to your brother.
Yeah, Ann-Marie.
I think it's beautiful.
Love is what makes the world go round, after all.
I think you'll find that's gravity, Judith.
What's going on? Alfie's drunk.
I ain't drunk.
I'm just happy, and I don't care who knows it.
I'm the happiest man in the world right now.
Do you hear me, Margate? - Do ya?! - Yeah! We can hear, all right.
Oh, my Gaga! Ding, ding, round two.
Look, if you've come here to make trouble Then you're in the right place.
Ann-Marie, you take Carly.
I'll take rubber lips.
Nobody's fighting anyone.
Why are you here? Erm Carly, are you OK? I'm pregnant.
We're having a baby, Alf.
I'm gonna be a gran.
Oh, my God, a gran You take the left and I'll take the right before he Yeah, that.