Empty Nest (1988) s02e16 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on good morning, Laverne! Well, you seem awful chipper.
Daughters move out? No.
Amy little Amy's flying in from Kansas tonight! Oh, I forgot.
This is the week your old-maid niece is coming to town.
Laverne, Amy is not an old maid.
Isn't she on the other side of 30 - and never been married? - Yeah.
Well, she ain't exactly the girl from ipanema.
We had a gal just like her back in hickory.
She taught school, could fix any make of refrigerator, lived with a lady friend named Chuck.
Laverne, for your information, Amy was engaged once To a man.
But ten years ago, it just all ended rather badly, and she's been pretty gun-shy ever since.
Hey, you know the way they say everything happens in threes? Not only is your niece arrivin', but my best friend lurlene is coming to town.
Oh, how great.
Laverne, that's only two things.
If you're gonna nitpick, I ain't gonna talk to you at all.
Amy, you hardly touched the pie I made.
You didn't like it? No.
Amy, it is so good to see you.
I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to this vacation.
I need it too.
As you know, my job's a real pressure cooker.
And how are things at the Topeka eyeglass center? And thank you for the lovely gifts.
Oh, well, I always say you can never have too many lens wipes.
What's wrong with the pie? We're past it, Carol.
Okay, enough about food.
Let's talk about my second obsession.
Fiber? Anyway, Amy, there is this mixer tomorrow night at the university, and there should be some very interesting men there.
Now, I was thinking that you and i this is very sweet of you, Carol, but, um, I'm just not interested in meeting men.
I haven't dated since Well, no need going into past history.
But, Amy, that was ten years ago.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
Boy, lens wipes, no dating? Cousin Amy's a real loser.
No.
Barbara, honey, come on.
Your cousin's not a loser.
She's just a very fragile, wounded girl.
She needs time and understanding.
Maybe in the future someday, when she's ready, the right man will come along so I'll see you tomorrow at my place, say seven-ish? Whatever you say.
I say let the good times roll.
Amy.
Amy.
Did you just accept a date with that man? I can hardly believe it myself.
It all happened so fast.
I've got to call Mary Ann, the lens grinder.
- Harry.
- Hi.
What brings you "dietzward," neighbor? Uh, well, Charley, I, uh I want to talk to you about Amy.
Who's Amy? It's my niece.
You just asked her out for tomorrow night.
Oh, yeah.
Keep talking.
I got to get ready for tonight's lucky lady.
What do you think about this jacket, Harry? Same thing I thought the day I bought it very nice.
Thanks.
Anyway, Charley, listen, about Amy She's a very sweet, very sheltered girl and Uh-huh.
I guess what I'm trying to say is She's very, very fragile.
Charley, she hasn't had a date in ten years.
So, Harry, what'd you want to talk about? - Amy.
- Who? My niece! Whoa.
Deja vu.
Charley, listen to me, please.
Now, I've put up with a lot from you over the years, and now it's time for a little payback.
Ooh.
Charles, you will have a g-rated date.
You will have my niece home by 10:00.
And you will not, under any circumstances, lay a hand or any other part of your body on her.
Now, I'm asking you to do this in the name of our friendship.
Harry, I'm a man of honor.
I can set aside my animal instincts when friendship is at stake.
It's no problem.
I'll make a late date with Darlene.
I'll have your niece home by 10:00.
I'll have the pineapple rings on Darlene by 11:00.
Sounds like a beautiful evening.
So, lurlene, all the way from hickory, Arkansas, to Miami, Florida, on a bus.
Now, that must have been a pretty interesting trip.
Yep.
Lurlene, Lookie there.
Does that man remind you of anythin'? Myar the woodchuck.
Myar the woodchuck! Walk it! Walk it! Private joke.
Well, okay, then, uh, maybe we should order, hmm? Hey, don't be thrown off by all that "pasta" talk.
Now, that just means "noodles.
" Good afternoon.
Will we be having cocktails today, signora? Signora That's you, lurlene.
You want anythin' to drink? Iced tea, please.
I'll have tea, too, only make mine with lemon.
And I will have the same as the lady, please.
Laverne Excuse us, doctor.
Apparently, our noses are shiny.
Oh sure.
So What exotic special does Antonio have in store for us today? Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but Antonio was in a mood today.
He left the kitchen to his brother Earl.
Okay, what is Earl's specialty? It's a neat round spaghetti you can eat with a spoon.
So that was real quick.
- Where's lurlene? - She left.
She said she'd meet me back at my house.
She left? Was something wrong? She said I am no longer the small-town country girl she once knew.
She said I'm eatin' in fancy restaurants, drinkin' tea with lemon, and speakin' fluent eye-talian.
She looked me right in the eye and accused me of bein' Citified.
Oh, Laverne, that's silly.
Come on, now, don't be upset.
Laverne Come on, give me a smile.
Walk it! Walk it! That ain't funny now! I'm having such a good time, Charley.
Yeah, me too.
Go fish.
Listen, uh - Amy.
- Right.
When I take you home tonight, exactly at 10:00, I want you to tell your uncle Harry what good, clean fun we had.
Be right with you.
Hello? Oh, hi.
Darlene It's the gas company.
So what time you gonna come over to light my pilot? What do you mean you can't come over? Great.
So what am I gonna do for heat around here tonight? Daddy, it's midnight.
I told you you couldn't trust Charley.
He was supposed to have Amy home two hours ago.
That could only mean one thing.
Carol, please! People can have innocent dates, you know.
I mean, look, your sister Barbara's still out on her date, and we know she's not doing anything wrong.
Carol! Do not disabuse me of my fantasy.
Hi, uncle Harry.
Hi, Carol.
Hi.
So You're back.
How was your date? Oh, it was very nice.
Well, good night.
You see, obviously nothing happened.
I mean, she's still the same old Amy.
Wild thing you make my heart sing good morning, daddy.
Did you kill Charley yet? He still won't answer the door.
Poor Amy.
She probably thinks last night was the start of a real relationship.
She doesn't realize that she's been played for a fool.
That she's been used up and tossed aside.
On the other hand, at least she had a date.
Oh, Amy, you look terrific.
Thanks.
I borrowed this from Barbara.
Charley and I are having breakfast this morning, though I-i don't understand why he hasn't called.
We were supposed to leave half an hour ago.
Uh, well, Amy, dear, Charley may not, uh I mean, sometimes Charley doesn't call.
Oh, well, these are the '90s, right? I'll just call him.
Now, what am I supposed to say to her when she tells me that Charley dumped her? Don't worry.
She'll survive.
Daddy, I'm trying to feel sorry for her, but she's thinner than I am.
Well, breakfast is off.
Oh, Amy, dear, I'm so sorry.
It's okay, uncle Harry.
He said he'd See me around.
You make everything groovy I'm gonna kill him.
Charley! Open the door, Charley! I know you're in there! Charley! Fine.
I'll catch up with you sooner or later.
That cat is so stupid.
Hello, Charley.
Uh Charley's not here.
I'm his twin brother Marley.
Ah I trusted you.
You promised me you wouldn't take advantage of her! Obviously you care no more about our friendship than you do for Amy.
Oh, you're wrong, Harry.
Now, I admit that when Darlene and the pineapple thing fell through, my first impulse was to go straight for Amy, but I held off.
And a fat lot of good it did me.
The next thing I knew, she was all over me.
Wait a minute.
So what, Amy was all over you? See, I knew you wouldn't believe me.
That's why I videotaped the whole thing.
Here, let me show you.
No, no, no, no! No, no, I'll take your word for it.
Oh, god, this is awful.
It's incred i mean, little Amy from Kansas? Well, prepare yourself for a bigger shock, Harry.
I kind of like her.
- What? - I mean it, Harry.
Amy's not like the other women I've been out with.
I mean, with the other women, it's just been about Well, how can I put this tactfully? Bumping nasties.
Nice.
But with Amy, it's not about sex.
We really like each other.
Charley, you're serious.
Then why did you cancel breakfast? Are you crazy? I can't go out with somebody I really like.
That could lead to a A Relationship? Ooh, cramps! Cramps! Charley Charles, come on, listen to me now.
How often do two people get a chance like this? This isn't something you should run away from.
This is what I think you should do.
You come over for dinner tonight.
And at the right moment, I will excuse myself, and that'll be your cue to tell Amy how you feel about her.
I don't know, Harry.
This goes against everything I built my entire life around.
We're having roast beef.
- I'm there.
- Yeah.
Good morning, Laverne.
Mornin'.
Patch things up with lurlene? No! And I still can't get over the gall of that woman callin' me "citified.
" My family's 20 times more backward than lurlene's.
And she's got that black sheep in her family That professor of economics.
But you don't see me a-pickin' at that scab.
Dr.
Weston's office.
Uh-huh.
Tuesday at 3:00 fine.
Mm-hmm.
Good-bye.
- Oh, my lord.
- What? I just said "good-bye" instead of "y'all call back, now.
" Yeah? That's citified.
Well, it's early in the morning.
I'm still shook up from this lurlene thing.
Anyone can slip.
Used to happen all the time to my grandfather.
I mean grandpappy.
Oh, lordy, listen to me.
I sound like William f.
Buckley.
I might as well be in tweeds and an ascot, wagging my finger at Mario cuomo.
Laverne, dear, you're overreacting.
Doctor, in my heart, I know now it's true.
Lurlene was right.
I have become citified.
Next time I watch Norma rae, I'll probably start rootin' for management.
I never realized cruise ships were so exciting.
Oh, yeah, the people get really sick, sometimes we have to swab the deck two, three times.
Well, this has been delightful, but I really have to go.
Harry, wait.
I don't think you should go.
Uh, Charley, no, I'm I'm afraid I really do have to go.
I have this, uh, very important Thing Down at the, uh The thing.
Oh, didn't I tell you? They called, and they canceled that thing.
Yeah, but they called back, and the thing is on again.
Charley, relax.
You're gonna have a fine time.
You two have a nice little chat, okay? What are you Charley, you're supposed to be in there talking to Amy.
I can't, Harry.
I'm scared.
I want to go to the thing with you.
Charley You said it was back on! Charley, this could change your life.
And all you have to do is tell Amy exactly what you told me.
I will But only if you're there with me.
Well, how do you like that? The thing fell through again.
Come over here.
Sit.
Uh, Amy, Charley has something he, uh he really wants to say to you.
Right.
- Amy - Yes? Amy You're not like the other women I've been out with.
With all the other women, it's just been about How can I put this tactfully? Ow! I guess what I'm trying to say is Well, I know you plan on leaving town in a couple of days, but I really like you, and I was thinking maybe Charley, are you saying you want us to be a couple? Yeah.
- Uh-oh.
- "Uh-oh"? Charley, from the moment I saw you, I felt something I've never felt before.
At first, I thought it was love, but pretty soon I realized my mistake.
It wasn't love that drew me to you, Charley.
It was pure animal lust.
You know, I think the thing is back on again.
Charley, I'm real glad we had this little fling.
I mean, thanks to you, I'm ready to go back to Topeka now and pursue a new life.
There's a certain saline-solution salesman who I've put off for far too long.
Amy, this isn't right.
You sleep with me, you make me think you care about me, and then you walk out of my life, just like that? Wait a minute.
This sound familiar.
Where have I heard this before? Oh.
Good-bye, Charley.
Uh Uh Charley, you think about this.
Think about it for a moment.
Now, something very good just happened here.
Yeah.
No.
Well, I mean, you you you You coaxed Amy out of her shell.
And at the same time, you learned what it feels like to be on the losing end of a one-night stand.
And you're gonna be a better man for it.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is, uh Everything turned out for the best.
Are you buying any of this? No.
Oh, boy, it's getting late.
I got to go to that To the thing.
I'll see you, Charley.
Bye-bye.
See ya.
Don't worry, Mrs.
Draco, we may be busy, but we can always find time for a sick child.
I mean young 'un.
Young 'un.
This city thing's mushroomin' on me.
Laverne, you're taking lurlene's criticism way too seriously.
- Bang bang bang! - Oh, got me! Lordy, I didn't even shoot back.
In fact, my first thought was to call an attorney.
Oh, listen Well, I'm on my way to the bus station.
Thanks for your hospitality.
I'll see ya.
Good-bye.
There was a time when you would have said, "back at ya.
" All right, that's it.
I've I've heard enough.
Lurlene, you're way out of line here.
You're making a very big mistake.
I know Laverne has changed in some ways.
People do, you know.
But whatever changes you see on the surface, inside, she is still as unassuming and down to earth as always.
If there's one thing Laverne is not, it is citified.
And if you really feel this way, then I say you're guilty of reverse snobbery.
Well, cut my legs off and call me shorty.
How could I have been so stupid? Well, don't be too hard on yourself, lurlene.
We all make mistakes.
Laverne, I'm sorry.
I've misjudged you.
You can't help what you've become.
It's all been because of the evil influence of this citified dandy that you work for.
Forgive me? Uh-huh.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Hey, hey, hey.
Back at ya! Hey, Laverne.
Myar the woodchuck.
Myar the woodchuck.
You want to take this one? Walk it! Walk it! It just ain't funny when you say it.