Empty Nest (1988) s02e20 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on hi, westons.
You know how I always say, "all the world's a stage and the men and women merely players"? Okay, maybe it wasn't me.
Anyway, here, theater tickets.
Watch it, daddy.
President Lincoln was set up this way.
I suppose I deserve that.
There was a time when I used to come over here and take things from you.
That was Right.
But that was the old me.
The new Charley acknowledges all that you've done for him.
And now it's payback time.
Female spaghetti wrestling? Whoops.
Can't have those.
These are for you.
Char, these are for phantom of the opera! I've been on the waiting list for a month! They must have cost a fortune.
Hey, nothing's too good for my old pals the westons.
Yeah, okay, daddy, I've heard enough.
Something very strange is going on here.
Oh, Carol, stop.
You're so suspicious.
Charley just simply came over and gave us a gift, out of the blue, at great expense.
Charley, something very strange is going on here.
Darn, I thought I could pull it off.
But you westons are too smart for me.
Okay, here's how it went down.
I got a date with the carpesi twins I guess technically two dates.
Now, I didn't tell jan that nan was coming, and nan didn't know that jan was coming.
Okay, so far, normal, right? Oh.
Anyway, they dumped me.
And now I'm stuck with these tickets to a play about a man with half a face.
Naturally, I thought of you people.
Well, Charley, this is so unexpected.
It's it's i mean, it's really very sweet of you.
And I'm I-I'm touched.
Hey, hey, hey.
Settle down, buddy.
You'd think I'd given you my spaghetti wrestling tickets.
Now, Carol, you Listen to me, dear.
You make sure that you and Barbara get to the theater on time, because I don't want to miss the opening curtain.
It's Laverne.
I got to go.
I got a special surprise for her.
Oh.
Good morning, Laverne.
Hey.
You're right on time.
You better have a good explanation.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Uh, do you notice anything different? Oh, my lord! You've straightened up my area.
Ha! The entire office, Laverne.
You know how you're always complaining how disorganized I am? Oh, I knew I never should've given you your own key.
Well, I guess there wasn't any harm done.
Wait a minute.
Where's my wienie wrapper? I, uh I beg your pardon? Wienie wrapper, wienie wrapper! Where's my wienie wrapper? I always keep it right here between my tape dispenser and my staple remover.
What, that wasn't garbage? Garbage? That was only my most prized memento, that's all.
Laverne, it was a hot-dog wrapper.
Well, that hot-dog wrapper was the first thing my husband, Nick, ever give me.
We were at the ballpark.
It was our first date, and I was still uncertain just how I might feel about him.
But then he hit a single.
I was cheering in the stands.
And he looked up and caught the eye of a vendor and called out, as only Nick can do, "send that little lady a wienie!" And from that moment on, I was a goner.
Now you've done thrown away my wrapper.
All right, now, don't worry about it.
Don't worry.
I-i put all the trash bags in the basement.
I will go down there, and I will - I'll dig through them.
- Oh.
Well, that's awful sweet of you.
If you happen to find an unflattering caricature of yourself, I know nothing about it.
It was her fault.
It was not.
It was your fault.
I don't care whose fault it was.
Everybody else in the theater managed to share an armrest.
Daddy, you're making way too big a deal out of this.
Really? The phantom himself asked us to leave.
Ah, aloha! Welcome to Charley's pool party.
Uh uh, what? Yeah, it's a luau.
Look, uh, just make yourselves at home.
Uh, chicks and beer in the back.
A lot of roof diving going on.
Swimsuits optional.
Whoa! Where is the host? I think he's out back rotating the pig.
Daddy, look what they did to dreyfuss! Dreyfuss, we got a house full of strange people, and you bark at us? Hey, somebody send the beer dog back in here! And when the captain comes on board, they do one of these.
Permission to come aboard, Charley.
Hey, Harry.
Harry! Hey, what are all you strange people doing in my neighbor's house? You got one hour to clear out.
Everybody out at the pool for the limbo contest! - Excuse me.
- No, come here, Charley.
I want to talk to you.
What are you doing home, anyway? They promised me that phantom didn't get out until after midnight.
Never mind that, Charley.
You are a lying, scheming, conniving lowlife.
Hey, buddy, you sound mad.
I am more than mad, Charles.
I am furious.
I am livid.
Really? Because you just sound mad.
Charley, I am through with you.
I will have nothing more to do with you.
Hey, Harry.
Buddy.
Oh, buddy? You're not my buddy.
You're not my friend.
Friends don't do things like this.
You're not my anything.
Get out, Charley.
Come on, Harry, now, I mean, you say that all the time.
Yeah, well, I've never said this before.
Get out.
Stay out.
Never come back.
I can't believe the perverts Charley invited to that party.
Look what I found under my bed.
So that's where my Pool man.
Yeah, come on in.
So how's the pool? Well, I think I got it under control now.
But as your pool man, I'd really like to steer you towards air mattresses and away from those inflatable girls.
Fine.
Just may I have the bill, please? Thank you.
$200? Hey, you party hard, you pay the Piper.
I am not paying this.
Charley's paying this.
Cha hey, where's all the furniture? Charley? Listen to this "attention, ladies.
Charley dietz has moved.
" Charley's moved? "Atencion, señoritas.
" Charley dietz no esta aqui.
" "Attention, mademoiselles.
Charley dietz n'habite plus ici.
" Laverne.
What is going on here? Why is this chained down? Well, that letter opener has a lot of sentimental value.
I didn't want to see you throwing it away like you have so many of my misty watercolor memories.
Laverne, it was just one thing.
I threw away a hot-dog wrapper, and I feel I feel awful about that.
Well, all right.
I guess it's best we just forget this whole thing.
Dr.
Weston's office.
Oh, hi, Nick.
Yeah, I can't talk right now.
He's here.
Laverne, please.
Let me talk to him, all right? Uh, hi.
It's Dr.
Weston.
Nick, that is not fair.
I did not rip a little piece of your heart out.
Yes, I know it was a misty watercolor memory.
Well, I'm I'm sorry.
I'm sure he'll get over it.
I hope so, 'cause in the past, whenever there was a difficult time in our marriage, there was only one sure way to smooth things over.
Oh, well, what? We'd pull out that hot-dog wrapper and remember the good times.
Ugh.
So long, Ilsa, or should I say Hbo.
Showtime.
Playboy channel.
Cinemax.
Playboy channel.
Nickelodeon.
Playboy channel.
Off.
Record.
Hi, Charley.
Barbara, hey! I was just thinking about you.
It's good to see you.
You too.
Can I come in? Sure, come on in.
I got you some groceries.
It's been a couple of days, so I figured you'd be missing our refrigerator.
Speaking of frigid, how's Carol? She's fine.
And, um, Harry? He's fine too.
Still a pediatrician? Charley, it's only been a couple of days.
Well, you lose touch, you know.
So I guess he's still pretty mad at me, huh? Yeah.
You know, Charley, just because daddy got mad at you didn't mean you had to move.
I mean, it would have blown over.
I'll tell you something.
I was a little upset at first, but turns out, best thing that ever happened to me.
Check this out.
The beach rise complex newsletter.
Monday night, body painting.
Tuesday night, the art of sensual massage.
Wednesday night, video highlights of Monday and Tuesday.
Oh, you sound like you're happy here.
Oh, yeah.
Excuse me.
Ginny, hi! Come on in.
Barbara Weston, meet my neighbor, Ginny schill.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I brought you your favorite goodies.
I'll bet you did.
Oh, you mean the bag.
What can I say, except put those in the kitchen, will you? Thanks, hon.
Well, Charley, it looks like you have everything you need.
So I'll be going.
Oh, it was nice of you to stop by.
Oh, and thanks, but I won't be needing these.
Oh, no, Ginny.
Those don't go there.
They go way up on the top shelf.
Right.
Hi, is this the hickory, Arkansas, municipal stadium? Oh, great.
Uh, listen.
I'm calling from Miami, Florida.
Um, I need you to send me a hot dog by federal express.
No, I don't want a coke with that, just the hot dog.
Well, how many kinds can there possibly be? Regular, footlong, superdog.
Well, whichever is the most romantic.
Hello? Hello? Wow.
Would you look at this? Otto, why so excited? It's just a-a bandage.
Well, this here's a Garfield bandage.
This is what you call found art.
It's going right into my collection.
Collection? Yeah, one of the best.
Take this for example.
It's a tie-dyed tube sock Two treasures in one.
On one hand, it's a celebration of the youth culture.
On the other one, it's a fine example of the decline of American manufacturing.
Feel.
Just just feel that elastic.
- It could be springier, yeah.
- Yeah.
Uh, Otto, you wouldn't happen to have a hot-dog wrapper in there, would you? As a matter of fact, I added one to my collection just last week.
That's you found it! You found the The missing hot dog Listen, Otto, I'll give you $10 for it.
I don't know.
$20.
Deal.
Okay, thank you very much.
This is it.
Uh Uh, Laverne, would you sit down? There was something I'd like to say to you.
Now, you know how sometimes in life, things are dark and bleak, and you lose hope? Uh, what the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about this.
- My hot-dog wrapper.
- I found it! Well, the trouble you must've gone through to get this That is so sweet.
- Yeah, well - Huh.
Davey Matthews, room one.
What are you doing? - You mean that wrapper thing? - Uh, yeah.
Well, you remember how Nick and I were so upset about you throwing that out and everything? Uh, yeah, I-i seem to recall that.
Well, we got to talking about it, and we realized that we didn't need some old hot-dog wrapper to help us through the hard times We got each other.
That's just a worthless piece of garbage.
Well, you know, just a few minutes ago, it had much, much, much more value.
Well, hold it, now.
Reverse that skedaddle.
The old 75-watter just went off overhead.
Laverne, forgive me.
I'm about two colorful phrases behind you.
Well, it occurs to me that while this hot-dog wrapper might not be important to me an Nick anymore, now it's taken on a whole new meaning.
Oh? Well, I mean, you went through a lot of trouble to find this for me, and that was really sweet, so I'm gonna keep this wienie wrapper.
And every time I look at it, I'll remember how much you really care.
Well Well, I'm really touched, Laverne.
You know what? You might say that now you and I have our own misty watercolor memory.
Don't push it.
Oh, daddy, isn't it wonderful? We have all these perks since Charley left.
You get to read the paper with the sports section intact.
Yes, that's true.
Oh, look, it seems Miami has a professional football team now.
You see? Isn't it nice to have your paper in the evening, your clothes in the closet, some beer left in the refrigerator? Well, I don't drink beer, dear.
Well, all right.
Your beer, then.
I don't drink it.
You mean none of us even drinks beer? I've been buying it just for Charley? Do you realize what the man must've cost us in food over the years? Well, let's see.
If each beer costs about 60 cents Barbara, does the word "rhetorical" mean anything to you? Not really.
Besides, I kind of liked it when Charley came around for meals.
I must say, Charley had the most astounding appetite.
Yes, daddy, he was a pig.
Oh.
Carol, you're being too hard on Charley.
I kind of miss him.
Now, Barbara, that's just those low s.
A.
T.
Scores talking.
Tell her, daddy.
Well, it's you know, it was a lot more lively when Charley was around.
What is wrong with you two? We're talking about a man who used to barge in here, day or night, without even knocking.
Yeah, remember that? Stop this! This is Charley The man who used dreyfuss to pick up women, for god's sake.
Yeah.
All right, all right.
What about that pool party, huh? And the way he set us up with those theater tickets? You haven't forgotten that, have you? No, dear, I haven't forgotten that.
You're right, it was not a very nice thing to do.
Yeah.
Then he has the audacity to try to squirm out of it by pretending he knew nothing about it.
Right.
Who but Charley would try something so stupid and ridiculous? Both: Yeah.
No! No, no, no.
What's it spell? Both: Charley! Do you want us to do another cheer, Charley? Maybe later.
I know Let's go down to the jacuzzi and sit on the jets.
Not tonight.
Oh, what is with you, Charley? You used to be so much fun! I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not in the mood to party.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
"Get out of here" That's what they used to say.
Oh, no, not those westworld people again.
Not westworld The westons.
They're my closest friends in the world.
That's why I stole this picture of them.
Come on, Liza.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah.
Hi, Harry.
Charley, hi.
Harry, Barbara.
- Hi, Charley.
- Hi.
- Charley.
- So Harry You look good.
Uh, well, thank you.
Uh, you too, Charles.
So Still a pediatrician? Yep.
That's funny, 'cause I'm You know, I'm still in the cruise-ship thing.
Charley, please, look, the reason we came over here is that We realized we miss you, and we want you to move back home.
- Really? - Yeah.
Gee, I'd I'd love to move back.
But I-i don't know.
Uh, you said some pretty awful things about me the other day.
Charley, daddy was just angry.
He didn't mean the things he said.
Did you, daddy? Daddy.
- Hmm, what? - No, Barbara.
He's right.
Everything Harry said was true.
You people have been wonderful to me over the years, and look how I repay you.
I'm a lousy neighbor and a rotten friend.
I don't deserve you.
Well, come on.
I mean, Charley, it's no, it's true, Harry.
There's not one nice thing about me.
Well, that's silly.
Name one.
All right, fine.
That's no problem.
You're, um Barbara, just jump in anytime.
Well, I mean, there's There's got to be something.
I'm courteous? No.
Thoughtful? Pfffft, no.
Wait a minute.
This is crazy.
There's nothing nice about me, yet you miss me, and you want me to move back? Why? I Charley, I don't know.
I guess, you know, you're Family.
Family? Yeah, I mean, that's That's got to be it.
Uh, you're You're part of the family.
And when you're part of a family, you know, you kind of overlook an occasional fault.
Yeah, like me and Carol Most of the time, I hate her guts, and she makes me sick.
But I know I'm gonna be stuck with her for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that.
And you feel that way about me? Sis.
Dad.
Oh, whoa, whoa.
Aw.
Am I too late? You haven't asked him back yet, have you? Old maid aunt.
No! No, no, no! Hey, we have to put up with her.
She's family.