Empty Nest (1988) s03e03 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery One by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on I can't believe the state of the environment.
I can't believe what's going on in the middle east.
It's a tragedy.
Ha! Oh, that sluggo really cracks me up! Barbara, don't you think it's time you read beyond the funnies? Too depressing.
I wonder how Nancy gets her hair to stay like that.
Barbara, the world is depressing, but that doesn't mean that you can just ignore the I think that's a perm! Oh, count me out for dinner tonight.
I have a meeting with old lady Peterson about the annual blood drive.
Yeah, forget about me, too.
I have a date.
- Let me guess, a cop.
- Yep.
No doubt, someone with a name like "chip" or "Billy Joe".
Carol, it's so small-minded of you to stereotype cops that way.
Especially someone like bucky.
I mean, bucky is really hot.
You should have seen how cute he looked when he was bending over drawing that chalk outline on the sidewalk.
Ooh! It must be spring.
Well, Gloria, my dear, your health is excellent.
Excellent, e-x-c-e-l-l-e-n-t.
Excellent.
Good luck at the spelling bee.
All right, Laverne, come on, who's next? No one, they all got tired of waitin' and went off to see another doctor.
- Really? - No, I was just kidding you.
I am sorry.
I am a little off my stride today.
Nick come home last night with a stray puppy.
- Oh, puppies are so cute.
- Not this one.
He is mangy and scrawny and dumb as a post.
It took me over an hour to teach him to sit, stay, and roll over.
Laverne, I've had dreyfuss for six years.
The only command he obeys is "inhale.
" No matter, I told Nick I said that dog better not be there when I get home.
Don't you think you're being a little intransigent? Intransigent, I-n-t-r-a-n-s-i-g-e-n-t.
Intransigent! - Doctor Weston? - Yes? Hi, Leah heartman.
I'm coordinating the blood drive this year.
Oh, what happened to old lady Er, miss Peterson? - She got married.
- You're kidding.
Met a man last week, got married yesterday.
- Oh, that was quick.
- Well, when you're known as old lady Peterson, if something comes along, you jump on it.
Anyway, I wanted to drop this off.
It's the latest information on the blood drive.
All right, I'll look at it over lunch and I'll see you at your office at 7:00? - 7:00.
- Okay.
Uh, you know, it might be more enjoyable to work over dinner.
Right around the corner from my building is this wonderful little Italian restaurant that nobody knows about.
- Benadetta's? - What, you know that place? I didn't think anybody else knew it.
Whenever I go there, it's completely empty except for one other person.
That was you? Well, what do you think, 7:00? Oh I think that lady likes you.
- You do? - Absolutely, a-b-s-olutely, absolutely.
That's it, Mrs.
gilman.
Push harder, harder - Oh, dreyfuss - That's it.
Sometimes it seems like everyone's pregnant but me.
Now really push, we're almost there.
How I envy her.
Okay, so her baby is half human, half fly.
At least, she's going to be a mother.
Hi.
This is bucky Barnes.
Bucky Barnes Bucky Barnes.
You must be Carol.
So what did you and my sister do tonight Bucky Barnes? We rented crimes and misdemeanors and watched it at bucky's house.
- Crimes and misdemeanors? - It's a Woody Allen film.
I know what it is, it just doesn't sound like Barbara's kind of movie, that's all.
As I recall, the body count was only one.
Yeah, I didn't like it that much.
Seemed like an awful lot of depressing talk.
I have to disagree with Barbara, I mean, it was bleak, but I found it incredibly provocative.
He managed to ask all the basic questions.
In a seemingly unjust world, why should one act justly, out of a belief in god? But if there is a god, why is there so much injustice? The existential riddle.
Are you sure you're a cop? Yeah, that's why I find these issues so intriguing.
I mean, every day Barbara and I have to Deal with real-life evil and injustice.
They're not just abstract notions when you're out there on the street drawing a chalk outline around a body.
I guess what I'm trying to say is It's tough to be a cop without some sort of belief system.
And I just like to catch bad guys and put 'em away for a long time.
I'm with you on that.
I'm gonna get us some beer so we can see who burps the loudest? Sure! It was nice talking to you, Carol.
Sometime we should discuss camus.
- You've read Albert camus? - Yeah.
I'm gonna shake the can so it squirts all over your face.
You better not! That's a lovely baby.
And he's got your eyes.
A lot of them.
But they're yours.
- No - Yes.
Oh, Laverne, you remember Leah heartman? - Oh, howdy! - Hi, Laverne.
What lovely flowers.
From my husband, Nick.
He's trying to get out of the dog house, so to speak.
Nick brought home a puppy the other night, and Laverne and the dog didn't hit it off, so she made him give it away.
Only Nick couldn't find any takers, so I just had to pick him up by the scruff of the neck and put him outside.
Oh, poor dog.
I'm talkin' 'bout Nick.
Well, I wouldn't mind having a puppy.
What kind is he? Some kind of mutt.
Looks sort of like a real big rat with hair.
Plus he's real stupid and ain't housebroke, so you want him? No.
Would the fact that he's flea-ridden turn you around? Ever considered sales, Laverne? Well, I'm just gonna have to take him to the animal shelter.
Maybe some soft-hearted sap like Nick will come along and adopt him.
- Well, I hope so.
- Yeah Well, I'd better be going.
- Thank you for lunch.
- Thank you.
- So Thursday night? - Thursday.
- Take care, Laverne.
- Oh, you, too.
Are you sure you won't reconsider on this dog? I believe he's blind in one eye.
I like her.
Uh, she's a great lady.
But? But what? She's a great lady but But nothing, Leah is absolutely terrific.
I mean, she's intelligent, attractive, funny.
- She's got it all.
- But? But I just don't feel any magic.
Does that sound silly? There's just no magic? The only thing silly is you seeing her again on Thursday.
Does she have an answering machine? Yeah, why? You'd better call her and cancel that date.
Why? Because if there ain't no magic, there ain't no chance of you two ever havin' a relationship.
We've only been out twice.
Isn't it possible it can grow? No, it don't work that way.
I think you're wrong.
I am not! I am never wrong about affairs of the heart.
- Laverne - It's ringin'.
- Put down the phone.
- Oh, there's a beep! Oh, hi, Leah! I mean, hello, Leah.
This is Harry, it's 2:15, and I was just going to say I'm really looking forward to Thursday night.
I think we're gonna have a magical time.
What are you gonna do, saw her in half? Hi, Carol, what are you still doing up? Just catching up on some reading.
Where did you two go tonight? We heard an evening of tchaikovsky.
You got Barbara to go to a symphony? Yeah, it wasn't that bad.
I liked that one song.
What was that thing called again? The 1812 overture.
Yeah, that thing, that wasn't bad, well, I gotta be going.
- Night, Carol.
- Good night.
- Night, Barbara.
- Night.
So what do you think of bucky? What do I think of him? Yeah, what do you think of him? Well, he seems like a very nice young man.
Yeah, he is.
I just don't think it's gonna work out.
Really? Oh Oh, Barbara.
Honey, I'm very sorry.
But you know, it was bound to happen.
You were just two very different people, different interests, different tastes No, it's not that, he wants me to move in with him.
This makes no sense.
I know, it seemed way too soon for me, too, but he is putting the pressure on.
He has this thing about commitment.
He wants commitment? So I want you to talk to him for me.
- What? - I want you to talk to him.
I want you to tell him that I like him okay, but if he doesn't stop pressuring me, he's gonna scare me away.
Barbara, I think this is something you'll have to talk to him about yourself.
I've tried, it doesn't work.
You've never had trouble talking with men before.
I know, but bucky's different.
I mean, I know he's this big tough cop and everything, but he's really sensitive.
Sensitive too? Yeah, he gets that sad look in his eye, and then I just can't go on.
So you've gotta talk to him for me, please.
You want me Carol "I'd-trade-a-limb- for-a-husband" Weston, to tell this sensitive guy, who wants you to move in with him, to stop all this commitment talk before it ruins your relationship? Yeah.
Oh, god! - Here's your jacket, Harry.
- Ah Oh, wait, what is this? I don't see anything.
Charley, there's a big black stain here.
Oh, i i think that was there when you loaned it to me, Harry.
- Charley - All right, all right I got some Squid ink on it.
Squid ink? How did you manage to get squid ink on my jacket? Long story, cruise ship, jealous husband I don't wanna get into it.
Charley, there's a huge spot on one of my favorite jackets.
Well, I can tell you right now, salt water ain't gonna get it out.
Okay, I'll take it to the dry cleaner's.
- Where you off to? - A date.
Charley, can I ask your advice about something? You want my advice? Harry, I'm Flattered.
I hope it's a subject I know something about.
- It's about women.
- Bingo.
The thing is, Charley, this lady I'm seeing is Great.
But there's just no magic.
Okay, well, let's Let's isolate the problem.
Legs? Waist? Bust? Oh, Charley, stop.
Do I have to? I was kind of enjoying it.
This isn't about sex.
Harry, please.
It's always about sex.
Okay, here's what I do when I go out with a gal who doesn't How can I put this tactfully? Make the old love rocket wanna take that trip out to the launch pad? What I do is just squint And pretend she's Kim basinger, yeah.
Works every time.
- That is nuts.
- What's nuts? Oh, you don't think women have been doing this for years? Hell, I'm sure half the time your wife was with you, she was imagining you were Cary Grant or someone.
Thank you, Charley, I feel much better.
Well, you wanted my advice, I'm glad I could help.
You owe me big, babe.
I'll get this back to you in a couple of days.
Hope they can do something about that harpoon hole in your pants.
Daddy, can I talk to you? Oh, honey, I was just on my way out.
- It's all right, it can wait.
- You're sure? - Yes, it's nothing.
- Okay.
It's just that the universe is so random, I'm not sure I can deal with it without losing my mind.
I guess I could spare a minute.
What's going on? Oh, daddy, it's so unfair.
No, no, every time I have a problem, I come running to you.
Maybe it's time I finally stood on my own two feet.
I like the theory, dear.
Now you just go on off to your date and don't worry about me.
Are you sure? Positive, you just have a good time and forget I ever said anything about losing my mind.
Okey dokey! Leah, I am so sorry about that movie.
Oh, Harry, forget it.
Well, I never would have taken you had I known there'd be so much blood, guts Harry, it's okay.
I'm just sorry you got so nauseous.
I know.
- How's your stomach? - Better, better.
You know, I do think that Arnold Schwarzenegger has really grown as an actor.
You do? Yeah, when he ripped that guy's head off, I believed he felt bad about it.
Are you all right? Uh, yeah, why? Well, I don't know, you're just sort of squinting.
You've been doing that all evening.
Oh, I'm sorry, have I? I must have had something in my eye.
- Oh - No, no, no, it's gone now.
And I must be going, too.
Oh, do you have to? Yeah, I gotta get up early, put on the white coat, - cure kids and stuff.
- Right.
Well Good night.
Night.
- Good morning, Laverne.
- Good morning, doctor.
Well, you were right.
I can't say I'm surprised.
What exactly was I right about? Leah.
Oh, you mean no magic, no chance of a relationship? I guess I better give her a call.
You want me to send some flowers with the usual "sorry, it didn't work out" note? - Please.
- Well, I'll get right on that just as soon as I get this collar on.
Oh, that's the puppy you're giving away.
Well, it's the puppy I was gonna give away.
I don't know, I got to the shelter and I just couldn't go through with it.
And on a dog scale of one to ten, he's he's just a minus seven.
But for some reason, I've just grown kind of fond of him.
Oh, he's not so bad.
Doctor, don't you have work to do? Right.
Now, hold still.
That's a good little Harry.
Harry, eh? Well, he's scrawny and lazy and can't take orders.
Harry just come to mind.
Okay, bucky will be here any minute, I'll be upstairs.
Barbara, I'm not so sure this is a good idea.
I really think you should just talk to him yourself.
Carol, you promised, I'm counting on you.
Plus, it'll be a good experience in case you ever have to talk to a guy who's crazy about you.
I never knew people really said this but Woe is me.
Hi, Carol.
Barbara ready? Uh, in a minute.
- Bucky, can we talk? - Sure.
Bucky, Barbara told me how you've asked her to move in.
- She told you about that? - Yes.
Well, she wanted to discuss it with you herself, but she's finding it very difficult.
So she asked me to talk to you for her.
Oh Anyway, what it boils down to is She's feeling pressured.
I guess I have come on a little strong, but you see I'm the kind of guy when i When I find something I want, I go after it.
What a lovely quality.
Apparently not to Barbara.
- Who? - Your sister.
Oh, right! Bucky, what you have to understand about Barbara is that she's always been very independent.
Commitment frightens her.
So what I think you need to do is just take it slower.
You're right, you're right.
I know, it's just I'm so crazy about her, Carol.
I think about her all the time.
I i do want her to move in with me, I do want that commitment.
And if it works out, I wanna get married and have children.
I i i know it's just been a short time, but is that such a terrible thing? Oh, no Oh, no, no, no, no Yes! Yes! It is a terrible thing to Barbara! That's the kind of talk that's going to scare her off.
Sounds like maybe the best thing is just to end this now.
What? Bucky, no, that's not what I was saying.
Just take it slower is all.
That's not me, I just don't operate that way.
Please, explain it to her, okay? - Bucky - Oh, god, I'm gonna miss her.
- You'll get over it.
- I won't, I won't.
Where am I ever gonna find somebody to replace her? Oh, bucky I'm sure there's someone somewhere who's right for you.
Who? Who? Who? Who? I don't know! Just leave me alone, all right? Good night! Oh, god! Where's bucky? What happened? - He left.
- Why? I explained it all to him, Barbara, but he was so in love with you he felt that he couldn't take it slower.
He thought it was best to end it all now.
I'm sorry, Barbara.
Hey, no prob! No prob? Yeah, it sounds like it worked out for the best.
I mean, any guy who acts like that after just a couple of dates has gotta be a little nuts.
Nuts too.
But thanks for helping me out, Carol.
- Ah - Oh, daddy! I'm so glad you're back.
Can I talk to you? Your-own-two-feet thing didn't work out, eh? - I just don't get it, daddy.
- What? It's bucky, that boy Barbara was dating.
He embodied everything I ever wanted in a man, daddy.
Intellectual, sensitive, a little unstable But all he could see was Barbara.
Barbara, who didn't appreciate any of his qualities; Barbara, who could take him or leave him.
Where can I find a bucky Barnes? Is there something wrong with me, daddy? Oh, sweetheart, no There's nothing wrong with you, dear.
The problem is love.
There's just no logic to it.
Who knows why this guy went for Barbara? Last night, I was out with a lady who on paper is absolutely perfect for me.
And as much as I wanted to, I couldn't feel anything.
And I don't know why.
Then there's Laverne.
Laverne has fallen in love with a dog she can't stand.
Not you, dear, it's love.
There's Just no accounting.
You're right, daddy, you're right.
It makes absolutely no sense why we love the people we do.
Oh, thank you, daddy, I love you.
I love you, too.