Eureka s04e10 Episode Script
O' Little Town...
The snow's coming down I'm watching it fall lots of people around.
Evening, sheriff.
Cold enough for you? Yeah, exactly how the holidays should be.
Hey, guys.
Happy holidays.
- 'Sup? - Yeah, whatever.
What's up with them? Yeah, they're cranky because we're snowbound, and their vacation plans are pretty much ruined.
Oh.
Um, why don't you bring a round of hot chocolate? - Keep 'em coming.
- You got it.
Hi, guys.
So, uh, stuck in Eureka for the holidays, huh? I used to try to escape Eureka at Christmas until one year when I got stranded here.
Okay.
Gather round.
- You can hear all about it.
- Uh, do we have to? Sheriff Badge says yes.
There you go.
Enjoy.
Ah.
It was deep in December.
And like every year, Zoe and I were heading out of town to spend the holiday with family, which was great, because it was one of the hottest Christmas weeks Eureka had ever seen.
What's going on? You can't leave, sheriff.
No one in or out.
The electromagnetic shield over Eureka is malfunctioning.
Well, it doesn't look like anything's Right now it's more electro than magnetic.
It's getting worse.
You better shut that thing down.
And leave Global Dynamics vulnerable to the prying eyes of the rest of the world? Sorry, sheriff.
No can do.
So We're trapped here for Christmas? It's 85 degrees.
Dad, they're trying to fix it.
Just let them.
All right, well Don't overexert yourselves.
We'll make the best of it.
Merry Christmas.
* I'm hot, humid, and hazy * Wait, so you make elf footprints? Yeah, look, you dip little sponges shaped like shoes in baby powder, and then you press them on the floor around the presents.
You know what? I'm boiling.
You can't let a little heat ruin your holiday.
Today I have strung up Cranberries.
- We have baked gingerbread - All right Feast your eyes, people Limited edition copper cast from my secret Santa.
Oh, and he left this for you.
For me? Wow.
How cool.
You know who it is? No.
That's why he's a secret.
- Open it.
- Come on.
Oh, wow, The Clash on vinyl.
I love them.
I wonder who knew.
Not you.
Wow.
Come on, I I - No, I couldn't have.
- No.
- Wasn't me.
- Well, this is my little gift to all of you.
When you say little Is that meatloaf? It's fruitcake.
It's Oh.
Um, yeah, I'm still digesting - a piece from last year.
- No, no, no.
Trust me.
This is like a little Christmas miracle.
- Eat it.
Eat it.
- Come on.
Oh.
Holy cow.
That Even the raisins are incredible.
I blended 96 different varieties Everything from Alexandroulis to Zilvaca.
How'd you get 'em all in one piece? That, my friend, is the secret.
What's going on? What's a code 12? Air assault.
We have a bogey.
All right, everybody down, down.
Take cover.
All right.
Stay inside.
All right, everyone, can I have your attention? Can you get inside, please? This is not a drill.
Possible air strike headed for town.
Everyone, get off the streets now.
Get into position! Sir, thank you, inside, keep it going.
Everybody inside, inside, inside.
Thank you.
Clear, clear.
Clear the road.
- Steady.
- What's up, Jo? First someone messed with our E.
M.
shield.
Now we're under attack.
From what? G.
D.
radar detected an unauthorized vehicle in our airspace over town.
The bogey's crossed the threshold.
Weapons hot.
Take aim.
Oh, ha hang on.
That's not a plane.
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
Ho, ho, holy crap.
Santa's sleigh? Seriously? You don't believe me? Where do I start? One, reindeer can't fly.
Well, stranger things have happened in Eureka.
Yeah? And who was driving this tactical assault sleigh? I am getting to that.
So it's not every day you get to track down a runaway Santa.
Jo and I we jump at the chance.
I want nothing to do with this.
- Oh, like I do? - Hey, the town's your turf.
Which your trigger-happy Santa S.
W.
A.
T.
team invaded.
Sorry, Carter.
The holiday party starts soon at G.
D.
, and I'm on crowd control.
- Oh, well, that's not - Hey, shouldn't you guys be chasing down Kringle? No, what I should be doing is drinking winter ale with your uncles, watching bowl games.
And by watching, he means arguing.
- Yes.
- Is there someplace else I can be useful? Please.
Oh, I'm sure Allison could use some help at G.
D.
A few people got banged up avoiding Santa.
- I'll take you.
- Perfect.
- See you, dad.
- Oh.
Give Santa my best.
Chasing down a fake, stupid Santa.
It's, like, 900 degrees.
I'm never gonna get home.
To the left.
No, the other left.
Relax, Fargo.
It's just a party.
No, it's the party The time our G.
D.
family comes together in the spirit of giving.
More candles.
It's the time all you geeks fly your freak flags every year.
No, that's comic-con.
Look, I've got a tight budget and a building full of people to feed.
If we run low on latkes, believe me, things will get ugly.
I will charge my taser.
Ah, security breach in sub lab 22.
I can't wait for this day to be over.
Hold it right there.
What do you think you're doing? Hey, Jo.
I'm just taking my experiment home.
And you are? Noah Drummer condensed matter physicist.
Well, I'm sorry, Dr.
Drummer.
There's no authorization for you to take your little ornament home.
Actually, it's crystallized hydrogen.
Can't leave it here unattended during the holidays too unstable.
So you're shoving it into a sack? It's lined with nonionizing fiber and red tungsten.
If my ornament is not handled carefully, bad things could happen.
Yes, it's very menacing.
What is it for, anyway? Just a little thing called peace on earth.
It's an energy source.
Once fully formed, it'll provide limitless power very cheaply One less reason for war.
Well, that is a very lovely concept, but nothing is gonna happen to it here, not on my watch.
Not that I doubt your abilities, but I'd really prefer to keep it with me.
Yeah, I'm sorry, doc.
Crystal stays here.
All right.
How's that? It feels okay.
Mostly I'm starving.
That's weird.
Me too.
You know what? It must be Vincent's amazing hors d'oeuvres we're smelling from the party.
You're all set.
Merry Christmas, Dr.
Blake, Zoe.
You're all set.
Hey You okay? Yeah.
Uh, it's just always the same thing every year.
Dad can't wait to go home, and it's always so much better in theory than in reality.
I'm just actually really glad that we're stuck here.
Me too.
You know, we never get to spend the holidays together.
The more, the merrier.
You really get into it, huh? I just think we could all use a little more magic in our lives You know? Hey, look, secret Santa struck again.
What? When did that get here? Open it.
Bunny slippers.
I used to have a pair of these when I was a kid.
This is perfect.
I got to find out who this guy is.
Kringle can run, but he can't hide.
Oh, no.
Can I help you? Mr.
Claus, I presume? Mr.
Claus? - Season's greetings, mate.
- Taggart.
Do you have any idea what you've done? You've damaged our E.
M.
shield Our E.
M.
shield! I did not.
I was held up in in me lab running field tests.
Tests for what? For science, mate.
I'm pioneering the field of santalogy.
- That's not a science.
- It will be.
Nearly every culture has a myth about the man Santa Claus, Pere Noel, Kris Kringle, St.
Nick.
I'm replicating everything he does and explaining it with physics and technology.
What about flying reindeer? Holographic And misbehaving currently.
This little beauty runs on a pulse-detonation engine all-weather resistant, uses state-of-the-art stealth technology to fly invisibly under the radar.
Taggart Your giant red sled is neither stealthy Nor invisible.
Well, I still got a few kinks to work out.
Now, uh Be a Santa's little helper and give us a tow back to G.
D.
Sure.
Cheers, mate.
Friends, colleagues, I started planning this party months ago, determined to provide an unforgettable, yet fiscally responsible celebration.
Today we gather together Oh, save it, Fargo.
We're starving.
Fine.
And without further ado Okay, people, you've got until I shut this place down.
Eat, drink, be merry.
Whoo! * The snow's coming down * * I'm watching it fall * * Lots of people around * * Baby, please come home * It was late on Christmas Eve.
I was just a wee lad, no more than seven, when I heard something and crept downstairs.
That's when I saw him just a glimpse, a quick flash of red by the tree.
Taggart, it was probably your father in red pajamas.
One might think But I found this by the fireplace.
Lint? A tear from Santa's trousers.
I've tested the fibers.
They're fire-resistant.
Again, not Santa Red pajamas.
I've also been working on a gadget for easy chimney descension.
And fancy this.
Made it just for you.
You went all out.
Imagine all the presents Santa has to fit in his sack.
But by putting "m" theory and the concept of 11th dimensionality - into practice - Ho, ho, ho, wait.
Santa's a physicist now? Oh, he's very clever.
He temporarily shifts matter through the dimensional membrane.
That way, objects can lose mass but maintain integrity.
Ho, ho, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't you want to open your present? Set it down, mate.
Come on.
Come on.
Holy smokes.
A can of Christmas cheer? Go on.
Pop the top.
* We wish you a merry Christmas * * We wish you a merry Christmas * * We wish you a merry Christmas * * And a happy new year * They're programmed to your voice.
And they're yours for the day, every time you say, "Christmas.
" Thanks, Taggart, for for making this a very creepy Christmas.
* Oh, Christmas tree * * Oh, Christmas tree * * How faithful are thy branches * Santalogy? Yeah, I think he's going for a degree.
I think with a minor in tooth fairy.
Well, myth and folklore come from somewhere, Carter.
Some ancient cultures believed that wrapping moldy bread on a wound would make it heal faster.
Yeah, that's why ancient cultures died out.
No, they didn't know that mold was penicillin, and it fought off infection.
Yeah, we're talking about Santa Claus, not antibiotics.
No, as scientists, we have to explore all possibilities, to be open to the "what if?" Oh, hey, Lupo.
You want to tell me what you want for Christmas? This one's for naughty, and this one's for nice.
I'll pass.
Oh, come on.
Where's your Christmas spirit? Seriously, you okay? I have a town full of yahoos that I have to babysit.
I am super.
Taggart's Santa.
You just wrecked Christmas with two words.
Mm-hmm.
Why is it so hot in here? I don't know.
The A.
C.
's cranked up to 11.
Oh, ju Hey, hang on, let me just grab a couple.
I just hope I made enough.
This crowd is ravenous.
Great, more crystal lab issues.
Do I want to know? It's this tiny, little glowy thing.
I caught this strange scientist trying to take it home earlier.
Well, this is G.
D.
Be specific.
Um, his name's Drummer.
Never heard of him.
Dr.
Drummer? I thought you said "little glowy thing.
" It used to be.
This is unbelievable.
Under normal conditions, it would take decades to crystallize hydrogen into a-a sample this size.
Oh, key word normal.
Is it me, or is it already bigger? - Henry, what's going on? - I don't know.
But if it keeps growing at this rate, it'll breach the lab in 20 minutes.
We need to move it to a larger containment unit.
Dr.
Drummer said that it was unstable.
Un Wait, it's going to explode? Well, yeah, if it if it moves beyond the protective shielding, it could fracture and boom.
Merry Christmas.
* Deck the halls with boughs of holly * * Fa la la la la la la la * *'Tis the season to be jolly * - How do we turn this off? - Hang on.
They're pretty good.
- Henry.
- All right, all right.
Find Dr.
Drummer.
I'll supervise the transfer.
And maybe he can tell us why this is expanding.
* Fa la la la la la la la * Come on! * Fa la la la la la la la * * Don we now our gay apparel * * Fa la la la la la la la la la * * Troll the ancient yuletide Carol * * Fa la la la la la la la * - Man, guy must be roasting.
- Tell me about it.
I had to ice my hot toddies.
Hey, Zane.
Are you crying? What? No.
No, I I just got two tickets to see Springsteen at the Meadowlands.
Let me guess secret Santa.
- You too? - Perfect gift.
Man, this guy's good.
* La la la la * * Sing we joyous all together * No one's even heard of Drummer.
We've been all through G.
D.
There are no personnel files for him.
That's impossible.
There's no way that he could have access to the lab, let alone get into G.
D.
Well, we got to find him.
His experiment's growing.
Well, there has to be a way to track him down.
The D.
O.
D.
has files.
The glitch in the E.
M.
shield crashed our server.
We're cut off from the outside world.
I'll find him.
But if he goes to leave, he's gonna hit a wall Wasn't me.
I thought Zane was my secret Santa.
And why would you think that? Only someone who could hack my computer would know I've been searching the Internet for years looking for this.
Steve Austin "better, stronger, faster.
" Seriously? It's authentic original hinges, not a chip on it.
You have no idea how rare.
Okay, well, it wasn't Zane.
Well, then someone was thinking of me, - and I'm gonna find him.
- So you can thank him? So I can suspend him.
No one hacks Fargo and gets away with it, not even Santa.
Okay.
"Hello, Fargo.
" "Hi, Steve Austin.
" "Wow.
" The crystal is secure in our largest containment lab, but I'd stay it's still growing.
What we need to do now is calculate the expansion rate.
Right, so we can figure out how much time we have before it outgrows this lab.
This image represents the density of electrons within the crystal ten minutes ago.
- Anything unusual? - No.
But we'll know more once I do another diffraction scan as a comparison.
I don't care if we're on a wild-goose chase looking for this missing scientist.
At least it's time away from that party.
You're not feeling the merry, huh? Ugh, all the boozing and schmoozing, lights and glitter it's Vegas, not Christmas.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, - I wish I was home.
- Oh, that's beautiful, Carter.
I'm all misty.
You know what, Jo? You got a heart of stone.
Bah, humbug, that's me.
Wow.
They look the same.
Yeah, the intermolecular spacing is identical.
Henry, what if? Oh.
So the crystal hasn't changed.
No.
- Yeah? - Henry We're at the edge of town, and, um Something else has gotten way big.
Well, no.
It hasn't gotten bigger.
We've gotten smaller.
* Dun-dun-dun * So what, the whole town was shrinking? Oh, I'm telling it how it happened.
Even though it's totally bogus.
All right.
I'll let you guys go back to playing your video games.
I won't, uh, waste any more of your time.
Well, wait, I mean, you may as well just finish the rest of the story.
Please, sheriff Carter? All right.
So After we left the sign, we went back to global dynamics.
We and everything contained in the E.
M.
shield are getting smaller.
Why isn't the crystal shrinking? Well, because it's it's one of the strongest bravais lattice atomic structures in the universe.
It's almost impossible to alter or compress.
But we get to shrink into microscopic dots of nothingness.
And as everything in Eureka gets smaller, the energy required to compress radiates heat.
Is that why it's like a billion degrees in here? Yes, and why we've been so hungry.
Our metabolism's working overtime.
So what now? Maybe someone outside of Eureka will see how small we are and try to help us.
Oh, like a big-hearted elephant? The road's closed.
And nothing is getting through that E.
M.
shield.
It's a pretty bleak Christmas.
* Five golden rings * You must stop.
What's causing the shrinkage? Yeah, I don't want to die a miniature, though adorable, version of myself.
A miniature.
Taggart.
Let's go! * Four calling birds * Three French hens * * Two turtle doves * Taggart? Taggart? Ha! It works.
Get me down.
Of course, the man himself packs a lot more paunch.
I'll need to widen the knit.
You can't trap Santa Claus.
I'm Ahab.
He's my white-bearded whale.
FYI, that didn't turn out very well for either one of 'em.
Now, the present you gave me, the "m" tracking, shifting Good things come in small packages.
No, it's a big mess.
The whole town is shrinking.
You're joking.
Does this look like my joking face? My device can't be responsible.
Are you kidding me? Look where you live.
A device is always responsible.
The molecular transfer field is very precise.
Atoms shift from our dimension in space-time to another Leaving us with this.
See? Tip-top.
It's not my device.
That can't be good.
The transfer field's expanded beyond the target area.
Expanded by how much? Oh, roughly, um The whole town.
Eureka's getting smaller by the minute.
Looks like the only thing containing the miniaturization effect is, uh, the E.
M.
shield.
And the E.
M.
shield is a big sparking mess right now.
I don't understand.
Un unless it tried to miniaturize an item so dense it overtaxed the containment unit.
But I was very careful to avoid unusually dense material.
Unusually dense like this? - Fruitcake! - I beg your pardon.
You used Taggart's shrinking machine, didn't you? I'm I-I I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, really? Hi.
Those little pieces aren't pieces at all, are they? They're entire frickin' cakes.
Do you know how many calories I've ingested? - I just - You I just wanted to make a fruitcake that wouldn't be the object of ridicule.
I mean, they get such a bad rap, sheriff.
How'd you get in there? The molecular gastronomy department across the hall.
I-I consult from time to time.
Keep talking.
Well, I-I reshrunk each cake about a half a dozen times.
It's the only way to maximize the fruity, nutty goodness that is fruitcake.
Why are you looking at me like that? No reason.
I-I'm so sorry, sheriff.
You you'd think a Santa lab would be a safe place.
- What's wrong now? - What isn't? Oh, wow.
Hey, Jo, um, some stuff just blew into town um, big stuff.
K-keep everybody inside, okay? Uh, hey, everybody, can I have your attention? I need you to stay inside off the streets, please.
Everybody, if you could just get off the streets.
You okay? All right.
* So I understand we're all shrinking.
Dr.
Drummer, where have you been? Enjoying the party.
You missed out.
There was fruitcake.
I'm aware.
Thanks.
Candy cane? No, thank you.
Look, there's a serious situation with your peace-on-earth crystal.
The containment lab is closing in on it.
I told you it had to be protected.
You were right, and now you have to fix it.
- I know.
- Okay.
When did you stop liking candy canes? Do you remember? When I had to grow up.
I know the holidays can be tough on military families.
Can we go now? Sure.
After you, Josefina.
If we can't shrink your crystal, Dr.
Drummer, it's gonna blow our little bits to little bits.
Have faith, Dr.
Taggart.
Once we boost the power, your device should be very effective.
But even if we shrink the crystal, we still have to unshrink us.
Oh, you'll figure out a way, Henry.
You always do.
Have we met before? We've crossed paths a few times.
Hey, how much juice are you giving this? - A megawatt.
- Better double it.
Focused energy is the key.
You know, your crystal's electron density is very unusual, I mean, even for crystallized hydrogen.
Mm-hmm.
It has an extra element that makes it unique.
Dr.
Drummer, there shouldn't be secrets in science.
Ah, it shouldn't always be about science.
Some things are better left unexplained.
Sweetheart, just go ahead and eat what you want.
Yeah, listen, I made pudding, cake, four kinds of pies, and yeah.
Jenna's Jenna's favorite is the apple.
I know.
I know, baby.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
I'm sorry.
I love you too.
Okay, bye.
So, uh, the three wise men are on it.
We might actually put an end to this horrible day.
Okay, Carter, we all know that you're miserable being stuck here, but you don't have to ruin it for the rest of us.
Ru No, no, no, that's that's not what I meant.
Uh, sorry.
I just like Christmas.
I know you do.
I mean, you go all out.
You're making four different kinds of pies.
You know, it's because I never had what you have.
What do I have? I love how your family gets together to celebrate.
- Oh.
- I just I grew up with a more practical version of the holiday.
Practical doesn't sound fun.
No.
My parents, they're they're wonderful, but, uh Well, they're they're scientists, so they put their faith in hard facts.
So, yeah, I got presents, but they weren't from Santa, because my parents told me that he wasn't real.
And my gifts they were never wrapped, because, eh, that's a waste of paper.
Ah.
So I know that it sounds silly, but I want my kids to have what I missed.
I want the magic So I do too much.
I think you do it right.
Thanks.
This procedure is very risky.
We have to shrink the crystal without making it explode.
Or we could have a front-row seat for a new inflationary epoch.
Hmm.
Uh, a few moments after the big bang, the universe underwent an extremely rapid expansion.
Well, isn't expansion what we're trying to do T-to us? That's right.
We need to make it explode.
That way, we reverse the dimensional shunting Uh, make us big again.
But we can't blow it up here.
The energy release will be massive.
But, no.
No, no, no, if we shrink the crystal and then detonate at the highest point of the E.
M.
shield, it'd be like throwing up a live grenade.
First we need to see if she gets any smaller.
Fingers crossed.
Make a Christmas wish, mini mates.
All right, let's get this puppy airborne.
- Before the puppy explodes.
- That's gonna be a problem.
Heat plus shrinking equals not so healthy for our helicopters.
The rotors are completely warped.
Oh, of course.
Now we have no way to transport it.
There is one way, mate.
Uh, but I'll need A little helper.
I'll fire her up.
* Deck the halls with boughs of holly * * Fa la la la la * I'm not wearing a pointy hat.
Fa la la la la.
Contact.
Do we have any seat belts? Claus doesn't use them.
Claus isn't flying.
I've logged 300 hours of flight time, from Anchorage to Sydney.
Just an air pocket, mate.
We're okay.
All clear.
Taggart? We're gonna have to go higher.
Hang tight.
Whoo! Here we go The peak of the E.
M.
field.
Okay, grab the crystal.
Autopilot engaged.
On my mark.
Steady now.
We only get one shot.
No pressure, then.
And pull.
Ha! Ha! Ripper shot, mate.
Get us down.
Get us down! Fine.
Fine.
But let's do it in style.
Clean up would be so much easier if only we'd gotten bigger, but the trash stayed small.
I say leave it till tomorrow.
It's been a rough day.
All my planning what a fiasco.
Are you kidding, Fargo? This was the best holiday party ever.
Not that I got to enjoy it, but Thanks, Jo.
Now go.
Everyone's at cafe diem.
You're not coming? In a minute.
Hello, Jo.
Or should I say secret Santa? What are you talking about? You know what kind of music I like and Allison's stories about Christmas as a kid.
And you've probably seen Fargo search the web a million times for his lunch box.
Go away.
But one thing that just didn't fit Was that you hate Christmas.
But you don't, do you? When I was a kid, my favorite thing to do was to give something special to my brothers and just watch them light up when they opened their gifts.
Okay, so So now They're all in the service in harm's way.
We haven't spent Christmas together in years.
Well, I'm glad that at least we get to spend it together.
Yeah, me too.
So what did you get for my dad? He was tough.
But I, uh I think I nailed it.
Really? Yeah.
All right.
How was your flight? Bumpy.
Yeah, so, Henry, uh - Are we bigger? - Back to normal.
- Oh, great.
- Uh, not quite.
Part of your crystal still seems to be up there.
Will you look at that? It's snowing.
The rapid expansion must have cooled the moisture in our atmosphere.
Henry, Henry, it's snowing.
It's snowing.
Hi, uh, we haven't met.
I'm - Jack Carter.
- Yeah.
Holiday to remember, huh? Uh, even by Eureka's standards.
You're supposed to be with your family.
Yeah.
Yeah, I-I was.
I'm glad it all worked out for you, then.
- Cagey bugger.
- Beg your pardon? I'm onto y now.
Let's you and me have a sit-down.
I got a lot of questions.
Well, I'm afraid you're gonna have to keep them, because I've got an errand to run.
You can't leave.
I finally found you.
I'm not quite sure what you mean, but don't worry.
I'll be back same time next year.
Sheriff Carter? Please tell me that you're not suggesting that this Drummer dude is Santa.
Oh, I'm just sharing the story.
You guys can believe what you want.
- Was any of that true? - All of it.
But here's the absolute truth.
Spending the holidays with friends and family in Eureka That's the best gift of all.
Wow, man, way too sappy.
Seriously.
I got a cavity.
Yeah, but, uh, it's a pretty decent story, dude.
Thanks.
- Thanks, sheriff.
- Thank you.
We live in a community where every day we are presented with, um Unique challenges.
But today let's remember and rejoice at how wonderful it is to be alive and how lucky we are to be together.
- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.
What is that? I don't know.
You better open it.
What do you think? It's perfect.
You know, we can probably make it home if you still want to go.
We are home.
Merry Christmas, dad.
Merry Christmas.
Evening, sheriff.
Cold enough for you? Yeah, exactly how the holidays should be.
Hey, guys.
Happy holidays.
- 'Sup? - Yeah, whatever.
What's up with them? Yeah, they're cranky because we're snowbound, and their vacation plans are pretty much ruined.
Oh.
Um, why don't you bring a round of hot chocolate? - Keep 'em coming.
- You got it.
Hi, guys.
So, uh, stuck in Eureka for the holidays, huh? I used to try to escape Eureka at Christmas until one year when I got stranded here.
Okay.
Gather round.
- You can hear all about it.
- Uh, do we have to? Sheriff Badge says yes.
There you go.
Enjoy.
Ah.
It was deep in December.
And like every year, Zoe and I were heading out of town to spend the holiday with family, which was great, because it was one of the hottest Christmas weeks Eureka had ever seen.
What's going on? You can't leave, sheriff.
No one in or out.
The electromagnetic shield over Eureka is malfunctioning.
Well, it doesn't look like anything's Right now it's more electro than magnetic.
It's getting worse.
You better shut that thing down.
And leave Global Dynamics vulnerable to the prying eyes of the rest of the world? Sorry, sheriff.
No can do.
So We're trapped here for Christmas? It's 85 degrees.
Dad, they're trying to fix it.
Just let them.
All right, well Don't overexert yourselves.
We'll make the best of it.
Merry Christmas.
* I'm hot, humid, and hazy * Wait, so you make elf footprints? Yeah, look, you dip little sponges shaped like shoes in baby powder, and then you press them on the floor around the presents.
You know what? I'm boiling.
You can't let a little heat ruin your holiday.
Today I have strung up Cranberries.
- We have baked gingerbread - All right Feast your eyes, people Limited edition copper cast from my secret Santa.
Oh, and he left this for you.
For me? Wow.
How cool.
You know who it is? No.
That's why he's a secret.
- Open it.
- Come on.
Oh, wow, The Clash on vinyl.
I love them.
I wonder who knew.
Not you.
Wow.
Come on, I I - No, I couldn't have.
- No.
- Wasn't me.
- Well, this is my little gift to all of you.
When you say little Is that meatloaf? It's fruitcake.
It's Oh.
Um, yeah, I'm still digesting - a piece from last year.
- No, no, no.
Trust me.
This is like a little Christmas miracle.
- Eat it.
Eat it.
- Come on.
Oh.
Holy cow.
That Even the raisins are incredible.
I blended 96 different varieties Everything from Alexandroulis to Zilvaca.
How'd you get 'em all in one piece? That, my friend, is the secret.
What's going on? What's a code 12? Air assault.
We have a bogey.
All right, everybody down, down.
Take cover.
All right.
Stay inside.
All right, everyone, can I have your attention? Can you get inside, please? This is not a drill.
Possible air strike headed for town.
Everyone, get off the streets now.
Get into position! Sir, thank you, inside, keep it going.
Everybody inside, inside, inside.
Thank you.
Clear, clear.
Clear the road.
- Steady.
- What's up, Jo? First someone messed with our E.
M.
shield.
Now we're under attack.
From what? G.
D.
radar detected an unauthorized vehicle in our airspace over town.
The bogey's crossed the threshold.
Weapons hot.
Take aim.
Oh, ha hang on.
That's not a plane.
Hold your fire.
Hold your fire.
Ho, ho, holy crap.
Santa's sleigh? Seriously? You don't believe me? Where do I start? One, reindeer can't fly.
Well, stranger things have happened in Eureka.
Yeah? And who was driving this tactical assault sleigh? I am getting to that.
So it's not every day you get to track down a runaway Santa.
Jo and I we jump at the chance.
I want nothing to do with this.
- Oh, like I do? - Hey, the town's your turf.
Which your trigger-happy Santa S.
W.
A.
T.
team invaded.
Sorry, Carter.
The holiday party starts soon at G.
D.
, and I'm on crowd control.
- Oh, well, that's not - Hey, shouldn't you guys be chasing down Kringle? No, what I should be doing is drinking winter ale with your uncles, watching bowl games.
And by watching, he means arguing.
- Yes.
- Is there someplace else I can be useful? Please.
Oh, I'm sure Allison could use some help at G.
D.
A few people got banged up avoiding Santa.
- I'll take you.
- Perfect.
- See you, dad.
- Oh.
Give Santa my best.
Chasing down a fake, stupid Santa.
It's, like, 900 degrees.
I'm never gonna get home.
To the left.
No, the other left.
Relax, Fargo.
It's just a party.
No, it's the party The time our G.
D.
family comes together in the spirit of giving.
More candles.
It's the time all you geeks fly your freak flags every year.
No, that's comic-con.
Look, I've got a tight budget and a building full of people to feed.
If we run low on latkes, believe me, things will get ugly.
I will charge my taser.
Ah, security breach in sub lab 22.
I can't wait for this day to be over.
Hold it right there.
What do you think you're doing? Hey, Jo.
I'm just taking my experiment home.
And you are? Noah Drummer condensed matter physicist.
Well, I'm sorry, Dr.
Drummer.
There's no authorization for you to take your little ornament home.
Actually, it's crystallized hydrogen.
Can't leave it here unattended during the holidays too unstable.
So you're shoving it into a sack? It's lined with nonionizing fiber and red tungsten.
If my ornament is not handled carefully, bad things could happen.
Yes, it's very menacing.
What is it for, anyway? Just a little thing called peace on earth.
It's an energy source.
Once fully formed, it'll provide limitless power very cheaply One less reason for war.
Well, that is a very lovely concept, but nothing is gonna happen to it here, not on my watch.
Not that I doubt your abilities, but I'd really prefer to keep it with me.
Yeah, I'm sorry, doc.
Crystal stays here.
All right.
How's that? It feels okay.
Mostly I'm starving.
That's weird.
Me too.
You know what? It must be Vincent's amazing hors d'oeuvres we're smelling from the party.
You're all set.
Merry Christmas, Dr.
Blake, Zoe.
You're all set.
Hey You okay? Yeah.
Uh, it's just always the same thing every year.
Dad can't wait to go home, and it's always so much better in theory than in reality.
I'm just actually really glad that we're stuck here.
Me too.
You know, we never get to spend the holidays together.
The more, the merrier.
You really get into it, huh? I just think we could all use a little more magic in our lives You know? Hey, look, secret Santa struck again.
What? When did that get here? Open it.
Bunny slippers.
I used to have a pair of these when I was a kid.
This is perfect.
I got to find out who this guy is.
Kringle can run, but he can't hide.
Oh, no.
Can I help you? Mr.
Claus, I presume? Mr.
Claus? - Season's greetings, mate.
- Taggart.
Do you have any idea what you've done? You've damaged our E.
M.
shield Our E.
M.
shield! I did not.
I was held up in in me lab running field tests.
Tests for what? For science, mate.
I'm pioneering the field of santalogy.
- That's not a science.
- It will be.
Nearly every culture has a myth about the man Santa Claus, Pere Noel, Kris Kringle, St.
Nick.
I'm replicating everything he does and explaining it with physics and technology.
What about flying reindeer? Holographic And misbehaving currently.
This little beauty runs on a pulse-detonation engine all-weather resistant, uses state-of-the-art stealth technology to fly invisibly under the radar.
Taggart Your giant red sled is neither stealthy Nor invisible.
Well, I still got a few kinks to work out.
Now, uh Be a Santa's little helper and give us a tow back to G.
D.
Sure.
Cheers, mate.
Friends, colleagues, I started planning this party months ago, determined to provide an unforgettable, yet fiscally responsible celebration.
Today we gather together Oh, save it, Fargo.
We're starving.
Fine.
And without further ado Okay, people, you've got until I shut this place down.
Eat, drink, be merry.
Whoo! * The snow's coming down * * I'm watching it fall * * Lots of people around * * Baby, please come home * It was late on Christmas Eve.
I was just a wee lad, no more than seven, when I heard something and crept downstairs.
That's when I saw him just a glimpse, a quick flash of red by the tree.
Taggart, it was probably your father in red pajamas.
One might think But I found this by the fireplace.
Lint? A tear from Santa's trousers.
I've tested the fibers.
They're fire-resistant.
Again, not Santa Red pajamas.
I've also been working on a gadget for easy chimney descension.
And fancy this.
Made it just for you.
You went all out.
Imagine all the presents Santa has to fit in his sack.
But by putting "m" theory and the concept of 11th dimensionality - into practice - Ho, ho, ho, wait.
Santa's a physicist now? Oh, he's very clever.
He temporarily shifts matter through the dimensional membrane.
That way, objects can lose mass but maintain integrity.
Ho, ho, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't you want to open your present? Set it down, mate.
Come on.
Come on.
Holy smokes.
A can of Christmas cheer? Go on.
Pop the top.
* We wish you a merry Christmas * * We wish you a merry Christmas * * We wish you a merry Christmas * * And a happy new year * They're programmed to your voice.
And they're yours for the day, every time you say, "Christmas.
" Thanks, Taggart, for for making this a very creepy Christmas.
* Oh, Christmas tree * * Oh, Christmas tree * * How faithful are thy branches * Santalogy? Yeah, I think he's going for a degree.
I think with a minor in tooth fairy.
Well, myth and folklore come from somewhere, Carter.
Some ancient cultures believed that wrapping moldy bread on a wound would make it heal faster.
Yeah, that's why ancient cultures died out.
No, they didn't know that mold was penicillin, and it fought off infection.
Yeah, we're talking about Santa Claus, not antibiotics.
No, as scientists, we have to explore all possibilities, to be open to the "what if?" Oh, hey, Lupo.
You want to tell me what you want for Christmas? This one's for naughty, and this one's for nice.
I'll pass.
Oh, come on.
Where's your Christmas spirit? Seriously, you okay? I have a town full of yahoos that I have to babysit.
I am super.
Taggart's Santa.
You just wrecked Christmas with two words.
Mm-hmm.
Why is it so hot in here? I don't know.
The A.
C.
's cranked up to 11.
Oh, ju Hey, hang on, let me just grab a couple.
I just hope I made enough.
This crowd is ravenous.
Great, more crystal lab issues.
Do I want to know? It's this tiny, little glowy thing.
I caught this strange scientist trying to take it home earlier.
Well, this is G.
D.
Be specific.
Um, his name's Drummer.
Never heard of him.
Dr.
Drummer? I thought you said "little glowy thing.
" It used to be.
This is unbelievable.
Under normal conditions, it would take decades to crystallize hydrogen into a-a sample this size.
Oh, key word normal.
Is it me, or is it already bigger? - Henry, what's going on? - I don't know.
But if it keeps growing at this rate, it'll breach the lab in 20 minutes.
We need to move it to a larger containment unit.
Dr.
Drummer said that it was unstable.
Un Wait, it's going to explode? Well, yeah, if it if it moves beyond the protective shielding, it could fracture and boom.
Merry Christmas.
* Deck the halls with boughs of holly * * Fa la la la la la la la * *'Tis the season to be jolly * - How do we turn this off? - Hang on.
They're pretty good.
- Henry.
- All right, all right.
Find Dr.
Drummer.
I'll supervise the transfer.
And maybe he can tell us why this is expanding.
* Fa la la la la la la la * Come on! * Fa la la la la la la la * * Don we now our gay apparel * * Fa la la la la la la la la la * * Troll the ancient yuletide Carol * * Fa la la la la la la la * - Man, guy must be roasting.
- Tell me about it.
I had to ice my hot toddies.
Hey, Zane.
Are you crying? What? No.
No, I I just got two tickets to see Springsteen at the Meadowlands.
Let me guess secret Santa.
- You too? - Perfect gift.
Man, this guy's good.
* La la la la * * Sing we joyous all together * No one's even heard of Drummer.
We've been all through G.
D.
There are no personnel files for him.
That's impossible.
There's no way that he could have access to the lab, let alone get into G.
D.
Well, we got to find him.
His experiment's growing.
Well, there has to be a way to track him down.
The D.
O.
D.
has files.
The glitch in the E.
M.
shield crashed our server.
We're cut off from the outside world.
I'll find him.
But if he goes to leave, he's gonna hit a wall Wasn't me.
I thought Zane was my secret Santa.
And why would you think that? Only someone who could hack my computer would know I've been searching the Internet for years looking for this.
Steve Austin "better, stronger, faster.
" Seriously? It's authentic original hinges, not a chip on it.
You have no idea how rare.
Okay, well, it wasn't Zane.
Well, then someone was thinking of me, - and I'm gonna find him.
- So you can thank him? So I can suspend him.
No one hacks Fargo and gets away with it, not even Santa.
Okay.
"Hello, Fargo.
" "Hi, Steve Austin.
" "Wow.
" The crystal is secure in our largest containment lab, but I'd stay it's still growing.
What we need to do now is calculate the expansion rate.
Right, so we can figure out how much time we have before it outgrows this lab.
This image represents the density of electrons within the crystal ten minutes ago.
- Anything unusual? - No.
But we'll know more once I do another diffraction scan as a comparison.
I don't care if we're on a wild-goose chase looking for this missing scientist.
At least it's time away from that party.
You're not feeling the merry, huh? Ugh, all the boozing and schmoozing, lights and glitter it's Vegas, not Christmas.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, - I wish I was home.
- Oh, that's beautiful, Carter.
I'm all misty.
You know what, Jo? You got a heart of stone.
Bah, humbug, that's me.
Wow.
They look the same.
Yeah, the intermolecular spacing is identical.
Henry, what if? Oh.
So the crystal hasn't changed.
No.
- Yeah? - Henry We're at the edge of town, and, um Something else has gotten way big.
Well, no.
It hasn't gotten bigger.
We've gotten smaller.
* Dun-dun-dun * So what, the whole town was shrinking? Oh, I'm telling it how it happened.
Even though it's totally bogus.
All right.
I'll let you guys go back to playing your video games.
I won't, uh, waste any more of your time.
Well, wait, I mean, you may as well just finish the rest of the story.
Please, sheriff Carter? All right.
So After we left the sign, we went back to global dynamics.
We and everything contained in the E.
M.
shield are getting smaller.
Why isn't the crystal shrinking? Well, because it's it's one of the strongest bravais lattice atomic structures in the universe.
It's almost impossible to alter or compress.
But we get to shrink into microscopic dots of nothingness.
And as everything in Eureka gets smaller, the energy required to compress radiates heat.
Is that why it's like a billion degrees in here? Yes, and why we've been so hungry.
Our metabolism's working overtime.
So what now? Maybe someone outside of Eureka will see how small we are and try to help us.
Oh, like a big-hearted elephant? The road's closed.
And nothing is getting through that E.
M.
shield.
It's a pretty bleak Christmas.
* Five golden rings * You must stop.
What's causing the shrinkage? Yeah, I don't want to die a miniature, though adorable, version of myself.
A miniature.
Taggart.
Let's go! * Four calling birds * Three French hens * * Two turtle doves * Taggart? Taggart? Ha! It works.
Get me down.
Of course, the man himself packs a lot more paunch.
I'll need to widen the knit.
You can't trap Santa Claus.
I'm Ahab.
He's my white-bearded whale.
FYI, that didn't turn out very well for either one of 'em.
Now, the present you gave me, the "m" tracking, shifting Good things come in small packages.
No, it's a big mess.
The whole town is shrinking.
You're joking.
Does this look like my joking face? My device can't be responsible.
Are you kidding me? Look where you live.
A device is always responsible.
The molecular transfer field is very precise.
Atoms shift from our dimension in space-time to another Leaving us with this.
See? Tip-top.
It's not my device.
That can't be good.
The transfer field's expanded beyond the target area.
Expanded by how much? Oh, roughly, um The whole town.
Eureka's getting smaller by the minute.
Looks like the only thing containing the miniaturization effect is, uh, the E.
M.
shield.
And the E.
M.
shield is a big sparking mess right now.
I don't understand.
Un unless it tried to miniaturize an item so dense it overtaxed the containment unit.
But I was very careful to avoid unusually dense material.
Unusually dense like this? - Fruitcake! - I beg your pardon.
You used Taggart's shrinking machine, didn't you? I'm I-I I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, really? Hi.
Those little pieces aren't pieces at all, are they? They're entire frickin' cakes.
Do you know how many calories I've ingested? - I just - You I just wanted to make a fruitcake that wouldn't be the object of ridicule.
I mean, they get such a bad rap, sheriff.
How'd you get in there? The molecular gastronomy department across the hall.
I-I consult from time to time.
Keep talking.
Well, I-I reshrunk each cake about a half a dozen times.
It's the only way to maximize the fruity, nutty goodness that is fruitcake.
Why are you looking at me like that? No reason.
I-I'm so sorry, sheriff.
You you'd think a Santa lab would be a safe place.
- What's wrong now? - What isn't? Oh, wow.
Hey, Jo, um, some stuff just blew into town um, big stuff.
K-keep everybody inside, okay? Uh, hey, everybody, can I have your attention? I need you to stay inside off the streets, please.
Everybody, if you could just get off the streets.
You okay? All right.
* So I understand we're all shrinking.
Dr.
Drummer, where have you been? Enjoying the party.
You missed out.
There was fruitcake.
I'm aware.
Thanks.
Candy cane? No, thank you.
Look, there's a serious situation with your peace-on-earth crystal.
The containment lab is closing in on it.
I told you it had to be protected.
You were right, and now you have to fix it.
- I know.
- Okay.
When did you stop liking candy canes? Do you remember? When I had to grow up.
I know the holidays can be tough on military families.
Can we go now? Sure.
After you, Josefina.
If we can't shrink your crystal, Dr.
Drummer, it's gonna blow our little bits to little bits.
Have faith, Dr.
Taggart.
Once we boost the power, your device should be very effective.
But even if we shrink the crystal, we still have to unshrink us.
Oh, you'll figure out a way, Henry.
You always do.
Have we met before? We've crossed paths a few times.
Hey, how much juice are you giving this? - A megawatt.
- Better double it.
Focused energy is the key.
You know, your crystal's electron density is very unusual, I mean, even for crystallized hydrogen.
Mm-hmm.
It has an extra element that makes it unique.
Dr.
Drummer, there shouldn't be secrets in science.
Ah, it shouldn't always be about science.
Some things are better left unexplained.
Sweetheart, just go ahead and eat what you want.
Yeah, listen, I made pudding, cake, four kinds of pies, and yeah.
Jenna's Jenna's favorite is the apple.
I know.
I know, baby.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
I'm sorry.
I love you too.
Okay, bye.
So, uh, the three wise men are on it.
We might actually put an end to this horrible day.
Okay, Carter, we all know that you're miserable being stuck here, but you don't have to ruin it for the rest of us.
Ru No, no, no, that's that's not what I meant.
Uh, sorry.
I just like Christmas.
I know you do.
I mean, you go all out.
You're making four different kinds of pies.
You know, it's because I never had what you have.
What do I have? I love how your family gets together to celebrate.
- Oh.
- I just I grew up with a more practical version of the holiday.
Practical doesn't sound fun.
No.
My parents, they're they're wonderful, but, uh Well, they're they're scientists, so they put their faith in hard facts.
So, yeah, I got presents, but they weren't from Santa, because my parents told me that he wasn't real.
And my gifts they were never wrapped, because, eh, that's a waste of paper.
Ah.
So I know that it sounds silly, but I want my kids to have what I missed.
I want the magic So I do too much.
I think you do it right.
Thanks.
This procedure is very risky.
We have to shrink the crystal without making it explode.
Or we could have a front-row seat for a new inflationary epoch.
Hmm.
Uh, a few moments after the big bang, the universe underwent an extremely rapid expansion.
Well, isn't expansion what we're trying to do T-to us? That's right.
We need to make it explode.
That way, we reverse the dimensional shunting Uh, make us big again.
But we can't blow it up here.
The energy release will be massive.
But, no.
No, no, no, if we shrink the crystal and then detonate at the highest point of the E.
M.
shield, it'd be like throwing up a live grenade.
First we need to see if she gets any smaller.
Fingers crossed.
Make a Christmas wish, mini mates.
All right, let's get this puppy airborne.
- Before the puppy explodes.
- That's gonna be a problem.
Heat plus shrinking equals not so healthy for our helicopters.
The rotors are completely warped.
Oh, of course.
Now we have no way to transport it.
There is one way, mate.
Uh, but I'll need A little helper.
I'll fire her up.
* Deck the halls with boughs of holly * * Fa la la la la * I'm not wearing a pointy hat.
Fa la la la la.
Contact.
Do we have any seat belts? Claus doesn't use them.
Claus isn't flying.
I've logged 300 hours of flight time, from Anchorage to Sydney.
Just an air pocket, mate.
We're okay.
All clear.
Taggart? We're gonna have to go higher.
Hang tight.
Whoo! Here we go The peak of the E.
M.
field.
Okay, grab the crystal.
Autopilot engaged.
On my mark.
Steady now.
We only get one shot.
No pressure, then.
And pull.
Ha! Ha! Ripper shot, mate.
Get us down.
Get us down! Fine.
Fine.
But let's do it in style.
Clean up would be so much easier if only we'd gotten bigger, but the trash stayed small.
I say leave it till tomorrow.
It's been a rough day.
All my planning what a fiasco.
Are you kidding, Fargo? This was the best holiday party ever.
Not that I got to enjoy it, but Thanks, Jo.
Now go.
Everyone's at cafe diem.
You're not coming? In a minute.
Hello, Jo.
Or should I say secret Santa? What are you talking about? You know what kind of music I like and Allison's stories about Christmas as a kid.
And you've probably seen Fargo search the web a million times for his lunch box.
Go away.
But one thing that just didn't fit Was that you hate Christmas.
But you don't, do you? When I was a kid, my favorite thing to do was to give something special to my brothers and just watch them light up when they opened their gifts.
Okay, so So now They're all in the service in harm's way.
We haven't spent Christmas together in years.
Well, I'm glad that at least we get to spend it together.
Yeah, me too.
So what did you get for my dad? He was tough.
But I, uh I think I nailed it.
Really? Yeah.
All right.
How was your flight? Bumpy.
Yeah, so, Henry, uh - Are we bigger? - Back to normal.
- Oh, great.
- Uh, not quite.
Part of your crystal still seems to be up there.
Will you look at that? It's snowing.
The rapid expansion must have cooled the moisture in our atmosphere.
Henry, Henry, it's snowing.
It's snowing.
Hi, uh, we haven't met.
I'm - Jack Carter.
- Yeah.
Holiday to remember, huh? Uh, even by Eureka's standards.
You're supposed to be with your family.
Yeah.
Yeah, I-I was.
I'm glad it all worked out for you, then.
- Cagey bugger.
- Beg your pardon? I'm onto y now.
Let's you and me have a sit-down.
I got a lot of questions.
Well, I'm afraid you're gonna have to keep them, because I've got an errand to run.
You can't leave.
I finally found you.
I'm not quite sure what you mean, but don't worry.
I'll be back same time next year.
Sheriff Carter? Please tell me that you're not suggesting that this Drummer dude is Santa.
Oh, I'm just sharing the story.
You guys can believe what you want.
- Was any of that true? - All of it.
But here's the absolute truth.
Spending the holidays with friends and family in Eureka That's the best gift of all.
Wow, man, way too sappy.
Seriously.
I got a cavity.
Yeah, but, uh, it's a pretty decent story, dude.
Thanks.
- Thanks, sheriff.
- Thank you.
We live in a community where every day we are presented with, um Unique challenges.
But today let's remember and rejoice at how wonderful it is to be alive and how lucky we are to be together.
- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.
What is that? I don't know.
You better open it.
What do you think? It's perfect.
You know, we can probably make it home if you still want to go.
We are home.
Merry Christmas, dad.
Merry Christmas.