Everybody Hates Chris s01e20 Episode Script

When I was a teenager, I discovered a lot of new things.
I discovered sour milk doesn't always become yogurt.
I discovered the barber who's always available isn't always the best.
Next! I also discovered that if you hit people with a truck, they will do anything you want.
Another thing I discovered is if you're gonna buy cheap furniture, you better stock up on Crazy Glue.
Ma, how come this table keeps wobbling? I don't know.
Your daddy was supposed to fix it.
Chris, go get your father's Crazy Glue.
If we didn't have Crazy Glue, this would have happened to our house.
And I also discovered something that would change my life forever.
Playboy magazine? Adaptation: Sixe Discovering Playboy changed my life.
It was a foldout of the most beautiful women, with jokes on the back, football stats, cars, and an interview with McLean Stevenson.
I thought Keisha was cute, but I'd push her in front of a gas truck to get to Miss June.
Oh, my God, this kicks ass on the Sears catalogue.
Does your dad know you took this? No, I gotta get it back to him before he finds out it's gone.
Wow.
Is that a Playboy? None of your business.
Now get out of here.
Come on.
I'll give you a dollar to look.
Okay, fine.
Right here, one minute.
Greg, give it to him.
Who knew you could make money off of naked women? What? The truck break down again? No.
I tried to kill a spider, and I broke the handle off the dresser.
- Spider? - Yeah.
I don't know where they're coming from, but we got to do something about them.
You know, Drew is scared to death of spiders.
My brother Drew wasn't scared of anything, but after he saw The Fly, he was terrified of spiders.
I don't want to tell you what happened after he saw Urban Cowboy.
Okay, I-I'll go get some bug spray after work.
Okay.
Where's the Crazy Glue so I can fix this? It should be in my toolbox.
Okay.
No, no, no, no.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- What's wrong with you? - Let me fix it.
- I know what to do with Crazy Glue.
No, it's trickier than you might think.
I mean, you might glue your fingers together.
Let me do it.
Okay then, damn.
Okay.
Thank you.
Okay.
My father knew that if my mother ever found that Playboy, he'd probably never see a naked woman again.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find it either.
I soon discovered that trying to keep a Playboy magazine from a teenage boy is like trying to keep diamond teeth from a rapper.
Somebody's going to get that money, might as well be me.
Quarter a peek and you're done.
You're next.
A dollar a look, a quarter a peek.
Thank you.
Okay, time's up.
Next.
I'm next.
I found the one thing that united the races--women.
Thanks, Mantan.
Hey, give it back.
That's my dad's.
Like your father can read.
My father could ask my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.
Ma, can I go play over at Tricia's house? What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here? And why you acting all suspicious? Hey, mom, what time is it? What you need to know the time for? What are you going to do, go rob a bank? You're acting suspicious.
Ma, can I have some more potatoes? What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you getting high? You starting to act suspicious.
Julius, what are you doing? I-I thought I saw a spider crawl under here, and I figured I'd better kill it before Drew saw it.
Oh, well, I'm going to the store to pick up some stuff for dinner.
I'll get a can of bug spray, too.
Okay.
Did you fix the dresser yet? Got the Crazy Glue right here.
Oh, good.
You okay? No.
Yeah.
O kay.
The only place my father hadn't looked for that Playboy was in his own room.
Then he realized that if my mother found it, she could be saving it to use against him.
Rochelle, why'd you spend all this money on a coat? Miss June has one.
$500? Hey.
What do you want, Tito? I need the magazine back.
You need to get out of here, before I knock your teeth out.
Listen, my dad's going to kill me if I don't get it back.
Too bad.
I sold it.
See you at your funeral, Slappy.
After my father found that money, he was scared to think what my mother might want to do with it.
I'm sick of you.
I got my own money.
I'm out of here, you cheap bastard! Baby.
Don't leave me, baby.
Don't leave.
Rochelle.
Can you explain this? - Where did you find that? - In your shoe.
- Well, what were you doing in my shoe? - Oh, don't try to change the subject.
What's $500 doing in your shoe? Where'd you get this? That doesn't make a difference.
I want to know why you were going through my stuff.
I don't go through your stuff.
Yes, she does.
He just never caught her.
Rochelle, that's not the point.
- I just want to know about this money.
- You mean my money? What you mean your money? I made it, I saved it, so it's my money.
Let me get this straight.
The money I make, that's everybody's money, but the money you make, that's your money? That's right.
Hey, any of you guys see my copy of Playboy? It was here about ten minutes ago, but some eighth grader took it.
Hey, look over there.
They were huddled up like they were going to run the winning play at the Super Bowl.
- What are you doing? - Hey, calm down.
You want to take a look? It's $1.
00.
Yeah, but it's my magazine.
Caruso took it.
And that's my problem? All right, who wants to look next? Hey, Chris! To whom does this belong? It used to belong to me.
Well, then.
Until we figure out who brought this into our school, I guess it belongs to me.
What's all that bug's spray in the kitchen for? There's a spider in your room.
There's a spider in my room? Can I sleep with you and Dad tonight until you guys catch it? No.
Your father will kill it.
When Tonya discovered Drew was scared of spiders, she couldn't wait to use it against him.
Julius, can you make sure you kill the spider, please? I might not be able to find it.
Could be hiding in one of your shoes.
It's my hand.
Julius, how come you're acting so childish about this? I mean, how would you feel if somebody went through your stuff and took something that belonged to you? What are you talking about? I don't have nothing to take.
I'm just saying.
I mean, what if Chris went through your stuff and took something without asking? Why'd you pick me? Why didn't you pick Drew or Tonya? Why you acting so suspicious? Who's suspicious? It's not me, I'm not suspicious.
Well, you sure as hell acting like it.
Eat your food.
Later that night I discovered my father knew his Playboy was missing.
Chris.
You been in my toolbox? No.
Why? Uh nothing.
Those tools will hurt you.
If Miss June knew how much trouble she was causing, she wouldn't be smiling.
Drew.
Have you seen, uh anything unusual around here lately? Like what, a UFO? Now, why would a UFO? Never mind.
He even started to grill Tonya.
Tonya, baby? Yes, Daddy? I love you.
That's nice.
The vice principal had my magazine, but I had money, so I figured replacing it wouldn't be a problem.
$3.
50.
Now get out of here, before I call a cop.
For what? You just robbed me! - This don't cost $3.
50.
- Really? Then why don't we call your mom and tell her how you're trying to buy a Playboy? Hey, Miss June was fine, but she wasn't worth going to jail.
My last option was to go to Risky.
Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop.
He'd get you liquor.
It's for my uncle.
Yeah, don't drink it all at once.
He'd get you cigarettes.
It's for my mother.
Yeah, don't smoke them all at once.
He could even get you plutonium.
It's for my daughter.
Do not use this all at once.
So I figured I wouldn't have a problem.
Playboy magazine? I ain't selling you no Playboy magazine.
Boy, what you think this is? I know your mama.
Now how do you think she'd feel if she knew you were out here trying to buy a Playboy magazine? Now if you want to buy beer or cigarettes, that's one thing.
A Playboy magazine? You better keep on moving.
Tell your mama I said hey.
I want Wild Cherry to win in the fifth race at Saratoga.
If I was going to get the Playboy back, there was only one way to do it.
I've got to steal it from the vice principal's office.
Dude, wait.
That's burglary.
I know that.
Do you want me to commit burglary or be a victim of murder? Okay, but if we're going outside the law, we've got to do it right.
That's it then.
Every day she goes to lunch in the teachers' lounge after fifth period.
She smokes exactly three cigarettes, which takes 20 minutes.
All we have to do is get in, find the magazine, and get out before she gets back.
Except we don't know where the magazine is.
Fischer told me it was in the bottom left-hand drawer of her desk.
I hope he's right.
Don't worry, Fischer knows everything.
What if we get caught? Then we're dead.
I was really hoping you weren't gonna say that.
Don't worry.
I'll go in and get it.
It's my magazine.
All you have to do is look out and give me a signal if you see anybody coming.
I hope this works.
Me, too.
Drew, guess what I found? What? What the hell is going on in here? - Tonya has a spider.
- No, I don't.
Tonya, what are you hiding? It's just a ring.
Leave Drew alone.
Would you like it if he went around scaring you all the time? He can't scare me.
I like spiders.
And I ain't scared of nothing.
There was only one thing Tonya was scared of, and Drew knew it.
Here.
What's this? My five hundred dol I mean our $500.
So why you giving it to me now? 'Cause I don't want to fight anymore.
Baby I don't want to fight anymore either.
But why'd you feel you had to hide money from me? I wasn't really hiding it.
I was just keeping it in a safe place just in case something happened.
Something like what? Julius, you work hard, and we barely make ends meet now.
I mean, God forbid something happens to you.
I mean, you could get hit by a postal truck or a gas truck.
Get run over by a car, get high blood pressure, get the flu, gout, pneumonia, scoliosis, scurvy You could fall off a building, trip off the escalator, get jumped, get stabbed, you could get MS, ALS, CHP, CCBD.
What's that? I don't know, but it sounds like it'll kill you.
Oh, baby, I just wanted a cushion to fall back on, that's all.
Is that all? Yeah.
Come here.
Here.
Take your money, put it away.
I'm sorry.
You go in my shoe again, I'm going to knock your ass out.
You got that?! And if I ever catch you scaring your sister or wearing lipstick again, we going to have a problem.
You hear me? All right, baby, you can go back to bed now.
I changed your sheets.
- You ready? - Yeah.
Walkie-talkies? The range is only 100 feet, so'll stay close.
Man! Come on.
The hallway's getting empty.
I can't stay out here much longer.
I'm hurrying! Just keep an eye out! I've got it.
Abort, abort! Perimeter not secure! Oh, no! Greg? Greg? Forget it.
Well, I guess we know to whom this magazine belongs.
The last place I wanted my father to find his Playboy was at my school.
I confiscated this.
Playboy? What does Chris have to do with that? Somebody brought it to the school, and I believe it was your son.
Chris? Is this true? I wanted to lie, but my mother always told me if I did, she'd slap me into another nationality.
Well, I'm waiting.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Lord, have mercy.
Hey, it's just Playboy.
I mean, it really doesn't matter.
Boys will be boys.
Is that all you have to say? "Boys will be boys"?! Chris, where did you get a Playboy from, anyway? That look means, "Boy, I know I've never asked you to lie, but please don't tell your mother that that's my Playboy.
" I found it? Usually, I would suspend you for this sort of behavior, but I think this is best handled by the parents.
And you best believe we're going to handle it, right, Julius? Yeah, we going to handle this.
- I'll take that.
- What you going to do with it? Here's what he really wanted to do.
I'll dispose of it.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's, that's a good idea.
Disposing is good.
Come out here, boy.
One of the ways I always tried to avoid getting beatings was pretending to be asleep.
Get up, boy.
You ain't fooling nobody.
I'm sorry I took your magazine, Dad.
You shouldn't take other people's things, Chris.
That's why I put it away.
But more than that, you're too young for that kind of stuff.
Yeah, but it's just pictures.
Look how much trouble "just pictures" caused you.
You got chased by a mob, your mama's mad at you and you almost got kicked out of school.
That's when I discovered that even if they're made of paper, the wrong kind of woman can really mess up your life.
Look, I know you're interested in girls, but there's a lot for you to learn first.
If you never need anything, you can talk to me.
But don't go in my toolbox.
After that, my father started hiding things in his fish tackle box.
I never told him I found it the next day.
I promise.
Things didn't turn out that bad, though.
I made $28 off that Playboy.
My magazine, my money.
Here, you can keep that.