Everybody Hates Chris s04e09 Episode Script
Everybody Hates James
CHRIS ROCK: During my first season working with the football team, I had good times.
Come on, man.
Get in here.
For real? Yeah, man.
You as much a part of this team as everybody else.
# You were the girl # # That changed my world # And I had bad times.
(chattering, laughter) # You lit the fuse # But I was glad it was over.
Just because your work on the field is done doesn't mean your job with the team is over.
It's time to start thinking about what we do in the field of life.
So I've signed the team up for community service.
That's what they used to call slavery.
I myself have always been a big supporter of big brothers.
She's not talking about the organization.
My you're a big brother.
(chuckles) Let's dance.
So I'm bringing a rep from the Brother from Another Mother organization to our school! Brother from Another Mother? Yes, they help match enfranchised youth with disenfranchised youths, such as blacks and Latinos, to help support and guide them.
Uh-huh.
What if I'm already supporting some Latino kids? Well, if you're already a baby daddy, then you're excused.
Yes! Do you get extra credit if you're a baby granddaddy? But the rest of you, fill out these forms so I can set you up with appointments.
You, too, Chris.
If you want to remain team manager, you have to do this.
Even if all you do is clean sweaty jockstraps, you're just as important as the quarterback.
I wish somebody would let the cheerleaders know.
It's people like you, Chris, that make the ghetto a better place to live.
And it's people like you that get robbed if I don't.
# Ah, make it funky now.
# I already had a younger brother from the same mother.
The last thing I wanted was one from another mother.
Being a Brother from Another Mother is a huge responsibility.
Your influence is molding a mind, changing the course of a life.
You could say the same thing about crack.
Okay.
I'm proud to do it.
That said, I need to evaluate your suitability for this organization.
No problem.
Are you sexually active? No.
Now that I'm married, the answer's still the same.
Do you own photographic equipment? No.
Where do you keep your photographic equipment? I don't have any photographic equipment.
Have you ever sold any of your photographs? I don't have any photographs.
Suppose you did.
Where would you keep them? I don't own a camera or any photographs.
If your Brother from Another Mother came to your house, what room would you spend the most time in? The living room, I guess.
Correct.
How's your relationship with your father? Fine.
Where does your father keep his photographic equipment? When he was done getting answers out of me, my family started getting answers out of a machine.
I want to leave the message.
It has to be a man's voice.
Look, I bought it, I'll leave it.
Why can't I do it? Because everybody hates you.
Everybody, be quiet.
I'll leave the message.
Hello.
Thank you for calling.
No one is available to take your call right now.
At the sound of the tone, please leave It's a beep.
What's the difference? Some people are tone-deaf, but nobody's beep-deaf.
Fine.
Please.
I'll do it again.
I-I can do it.
(all shouting) Quiet, shh! Shh.
(presses button) Hello.
Thank you for calling.
No one is available to take your call right now.
Please leave a message at the sound of the beep, and we'll get back to you as quickly as possible.
But what if we don't want to get back to someone as quickly as possible? It means you're a girl.
(sighs) Be quiet.
I'll do it again.
(all chattering) Shh! Stop moving so much! Stop pushing.
It's not my fault! His head is in the way.
Okay, shh! Last time.
Hello.
No one is available to take this call right now.
Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.
See? Is that good for everybody? Yeah, that was good.
Yeah.
You sound like a white woman.
Get out of here before I smack the naps out your hair.
Now she sounds like a black woman.
If it's a murder When I was growing up, talk shows were usually hosted by old white men.
Mike Douglas, Phil Donahue, Merv Griffin, Dick Cavett.
But in 1986, one woman changed that forever.
(mispronouncing): Op-rah Winfrey.
"How to have a stronger marriage.
" Hmm.
And with that, Oprah's primary fan base, married working class men, began to take shape.
CHRIS: Well, I just got assigned my Brother from Another Mother today.
Hope it's not a big hassle.
Wish I had one.
I'd love to be a mentor.
To form a lifelong bond, to know if I never did another thing in my life, I'd have made a difference in this world.
Which is why Greg had the happiest pet turtle.
Why don't you sign up? I own a camera.
So who's the kid? Cleavon Barris.
Where's he live? Bed-Stuy, which is weird 'cause I thought I knew all the kids in the neighborhood.
See? All black people don't know each other.
That is weird.
I thought all black people knew each other.
Back at home, my father spent the afternoon with Oprah to get ready for an evening with my mother.
What's this? Flowers from a white person's garden.
These are for you.
For what? Because I love you.
That look means: "Okay, what did you do?" Okay, what did you do? Not this.
You got to get out of here, Ashley.
And give me those flowers! Go, go, go, go, go! I didn't do anything.
(phone ringing) I'll get it.
Uh-da-da-da-da-da.
The machine will answer it.
(phone ringing) ROCHELLE: Hello.
Nobody is available to take your call right now.
Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.
(beep) (machine clicking) (beep) I wonder who that was.
Do you? Should we go upstairs? No.
Did you get fired from your job, Daddy? No.
Did you get fired from your other job? No.
Then who was that on the phone? I don't know.
They didn't leave a message.
Why not? I don't know.
Well, if nothing's wrong, why are you bringing me flowers? I'm just trying to treat you the way I would want to be treated if I was married to me.
Now legal in California.
Hmm.
That's it? Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, so does anybody know a kid from around here named Cleavon Barris? No, why? I got signed up for that Brother from Another Mother program, and they said he lives around here, but I ain't never met him.
Julius, do you know of a child from another mother around here named Cleavon Barris? No.
You remembered his name pretty quick.
Yeah, it'd be better to tell now if you do.
I don't.
I brought flowers for your mother because I love her.
Is that so hard to believe? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And with that, my father was the first man The Oprah Show ever got in trouble.
Meanwhile, finding a black kid in Bed-Stuy was like trying to find a needle in a needle stack.
(knocking) WOMAN: James? James, who that at the door?! James? Hey, Chris.
What you doing here? I'm looking for Cleavon Barris.
WOMAN: Close that door, you hear me?! What you know about Cleavon? I'm supposed to be his Brother from Another Mother.
I used to know Cleavon, back in the day.
See, Cleavon, he had some problems, but me, James, I ain't have those problems.
You hear what I'm saying? You're Cleavon? Hey, keep it down, man.
My mother must have signed me-- I mean, Cleavon-- up for it.
But since I'm not Cleavon, I ain't doing it.
Well, the principal signed me up so I got to do it.
Well, that's between you and Cleavon.
And don't come back around here looking for him no more.
That's what Tupac does every time somebody finds him.
Just because James didn't want a Brother from Another Mother, didn't mean he wasn't going to get one.
James.
What you want? Look, I know you don't want to do this any more than I do.
But if we work together, we won't have to be anywhere near each other.
Worked for Shaq and Kobe.
So what you want me to do? Well, if anybody asks, you just say we were with each other.
That's clever.
I ain't know you had it in you.
I thought you were a punk, a chump, a sissy, a mama's boy All right, all right.
We got a deal? Deal.
Vanessa's out for a week? I wonder why she didn't call me.
Well, I tried calling you last night to let you know I was filling in, but, um, I must've had the wrong number, 'cause some white lady answered the phone, and I just hung up.
Oh, no.
That was me.
See, we got a new answering machine, and that's my phone voice.
Phone voice, white voice.
Same thing.
Michael, what you doing here? I come to see my baby.
Pam.
Hmm? These are for you.
Oh, so sweet.
What are these for? I'm just trying to treat you the way I would want to be treated if I was trying to date me.
Then why didn't you bring her a greasy bucket of gizzards? That is the sweetest thing I ever heard.
I'm gonna see you later tonight for dinner? Mm-hmm.
Smoked pork chop? Mm-hmm.
Everything? Yeah.
Mmm, sweet.
Hey, Chelle, tell Big Man I said "Big Man!" Don't forget the rice, now, baby.
(chuckles) Hi, everybody.
Hi, Youngju.
Oh.
I'll see you later.
(chuckles) (chuckles) More flowers.
That's a coincidence.
What did he say? He said he was just trying to treat me the way he would want to be treated if he was dating himself.
The flowers are rigged with explosives.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's one coincidence too many.
Julius bought me flowers and said the same thing that they said to y'all.
I don't know what's going on around here, but I guarantee you, I'm about to find out.
When my mother got suspicious, she never asked what she wanted to know.
She waited to see what you would tell.
What, no flowers today? You know, I don't want to do the same thing every day.
Yeah, that's right, because if you were me, you wouldn't want them.
Huh? Oh, that's what you said.
It was very nice.
Did you think of all of that by yourself? Straight from the heart.
And right in the back.
(phone ringing) I'll get it.
No.
Let the machine get it.
Mind letting me put the message on? Hi.
Nobody's home right now.
Leave a message, and we'll call you back.
(beep) (dial tone) How come people keep calling and not leaving messages? (beep) Hey, hey Hey! (clearing throat) What y'all doing here? We live here.
What are you doing here? Did you just pick our lock with a credit card? And where did he get a credit card? This? Nah.
This was an accident.
I thought this was my house.
You live across the street.
Sorry, man.
I'm dyslexic.
Hey, um I didn't mean to interrupt.
Just going to leave.
You do that.
Okay, Drew, after dinner, you leave the message.
Cool.
While my father was keeping Oprah from my mother, she was getting to every other man in town.
From the guys who were white-collar Stop it, y'all, Oprah's on! to guys who got collared.
Every man in town was watching Oprah.
I guess that's a coincidence, too.
Meanwhile my father wasn't the only one trying to keep something undercover.
Chris, just the man I want to see.
How are things going with Cleavon? Cleavon? Oh, yeah, great.
What kinds of things have you been enjoying together? A lot of stuff.
And the lying-through-your- teeth award goes to We worked on an art project the other day.
(clicking) We also spent some time with the disabled.
(playing jazz) And later on today, we're going to go hang out with some neighborhood kids.
Don't drop me please! No, I'll pay, I swear! No, no, please! Let me go! Let me go, please! I'll pay! Please, don't drop me! Well, that's great.
We can discuss it more at your interview.
You want us here together? No, he won't.
I put the word out on the street that I was looking for James, and, unfortunately, the street answered back.
Hey, Chris.
He could have just said, "Follow me.
" You wearing a wire? No! No one ever waits for the answer before ripping your shirt open.
Then why are you looking for people then, man? What, you supposed to be a detective? You Spenser for Hire, Magnum PI? No, I just need James to come with me to school tomorrow.
It's for this Brother from Another Mother program.
Wait didn't you used to be Wayne Gretzky's bodyguard? James pays better.
I thought we had an understanding.
We do.
It's just that the organization checks up.
They want to talk to both of us tomorrow in school.
Like I said next time you find me, you're gonna end up getting found.
James was tough, but he was still 12.
Listen here, little boy, I ain't got time for this.
You don't show up at school with me tomorrow, I'm gonna call your mother.
All right, man.
Dag.
While I was getting James to step up, my mother was getting the lowdown.
(Drew imitating beat box) # Yo, this is Master Drew and I'm not home # # So call me back on the telephone.
# (beep) (machine rewinding) Hey, little dude's father from across the street, I just saw Oprah today.
You were right: that's a bad woman.
Anyway, I'll talk to you later.
(beep) Look, I don't know what he's going to ask us, so let me take the lead.
Whatever I say, just agree.
Chill out, man.
Got this.
Cleavon? Oh, hello, Mr.
Perkins.
Oh, take a seat, Chris.
I'll be out for you in a bit.
Wait, we're not going in together? No.
I take you in one at a time-- make sure you're doing the things you say you're doing.
Whatever questions they ask James, I hope I had the same answers, or I was going to have to answer a whole other set of questions.
(laughter) Oh, Chris.
From what Cleavon tells me, you two are what the program is all about.
Fraud and deception? We are? Yeah, man.
We are.
Anyway, here are the flyers for the carnival.
It's a fundraiser.
The donors like to see the brothers together.
It's a big photo op, so I'll need you both there.
Okay, we'll be there.
Keep up the good work, boys.
We take your little buddy photo and that's it.
After that, I'm done.
He wasn't the only one.
Hey, baby.
Who the hell is Oprah? That was the last time those words were ever spoken.
Baby, I Uh-uh.
Before you explain, I want you to listen so we're very clear on what you need to tell me.
JEROME: Hey, little dude's father from across the street, man, I just saw Oprah today.
You were right: that's a bad woman.
Anyway, I'll talk to you later.
(beep) Baby, Oprah is a talk show host.
You're supposed to be working two jobs and sleeping during the day.
Exactly when do you have time and where do you go to meet this talk show ho-st? I don't know her.
I-I watch her.
She's in Chicago.
She's on every day.
Look.
Every day.
See? Okay.
What's in the bag? I'm throwing out your makeup.
You're doing what?! Oprah said you don't have to paint your face for me.
I love you just the way you are.
Oprah doesn't know what I look like without my makeup! And neither does my father.
Julius, baby, do you know what's in this bag? Rochelle is in this bag! See, here's Rochelle's lips, here's her eyelashes, her complexion, her cheeks, her fingernails! (sighs) Julius, I don't know what Oprah's saying, but she's giving out very dangerous information.
Baby, there are certain things that men just don't need to know about women.
Like everything.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to let you know you're good enough for me.
Even if your face is inside this bag.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Baby, you really want to do something for me? Anything.
Stop watching Oprah.
That's how Oprah's audience turned from all men to all women.
(phone ringing) And that's how the message on our answering machine became JULIUS: We're not home right now.
Leave a message after the beep.
(beep) Hey, Jerome.
Hey! Man, I-I was just I know what you were doing.
Just take the answering machine and get out.
He still came back later to try and steal the TV.
While my father was getting our answering machine stolen, I was getting my picture taken.
I'm so proud.
Every single one of you completed his community service.
Way to go, Chris.
The ghetto owes you one.
Okay, big smile.
(camera shutter clicks) All right, everybody, go have fun! James.
You know you can stay for a while if you want to.
What for? It's a carnival.
It's fun.
It's not like we got them on the block.
After all was said and done, I found out a few things about James.
His real name was Cleavon.
He was raised by the streets.
And he was still a 12-year-old kid.
All right, man, dag.
You act like you're my big brother for real.
And I'm not petting no farm animals.
He was also allergic to goats.
Hey, this was pretty cool.
Cool.
Look what I got.
Man, you won that? I didn't say I won it.
I said I got it.
Here.
This for you.
Thanks.
At that moment, I thought that deep down James was a decent person who had a good shot of making it in life.
That's him! The one with the jacket.
I thought wrong.
# Everybody hates Chris.
#
Come on, man.
Get in here.
For real? Yeah, man.
You as much a part of this team as everybody else.
# You were the girl # # That changed my world # And I had bad times.
(chattering, laughter) # You lit the fuse # But I was glad it was over.
Just because your work on the field is done doesn't mean your job with the team is over.
It's time to start thinking about what we do in the field of life.
So I've signed the team up for community service.
That's what they used to call slavery.
I myself have always been a big supporter of big brothers.
She's not talking about the organization.
My you're a big brother.
(chuckles) Let's dance.
So I'm bringing a rep from the Brother from Another Mother organization to our school! Brother from Another Mother? Yes, they help match enfranchised youth with disenfranchised youths, such as blacks and Latinos, to help support and guide them.
Uh-huh.
What if I'm already supporting some Latino kids? Well, if you're already a baby daddy, then you're excused.
Yes! Do you get extra credit if you're a baby granddaddy? But the rest of you, fill out these forms so I can set you up with appointments.
You, too, Chris.
If you want to remain team manager, you have to do this.
Even if all you do is clean sweaty jockstraps, you're just as important as the quarterback.
I wish somebody would let the cheerleaders know.
It's people like you, Chris, that make the ghetto a better place to live.
And it's people like you that get robbed if I don't.
# Ah, make it funky now.
# I already had a younger brother from the same mother.
The last thing I wanted was one from another mother.
Being a Brother from Another Mother is a huge responsibility.
Your influence is molding a mind, changing the course of a life.
You could say the same thing about crack.
Okay.
I'm proud to do it.
That said, I need to evaluate your suitability for this organization.
No problem.
Are you sexually active? No.
Now that I'm married, the answer's still the same.
Do you own photographic equipment? No.
Where do you keep your photographic equipment? I don't have any photographic equipment.
Have you ever sold any of your photographs? I don't have any photographs.
Suppose you did.
Where would you keep them? I don't own a camera or any photographs.
If your Brother from Another Mother came to your house, what room would you spend the most time in? The living room, I guess.
Correct.
How's your relationship with your father? Fine.
Where does your father keep his photographic equipment? When he was done getting answers out of me, my family started getting answers out of a machine.
I want to leave the message.
It has to be a man's voice.
Look, I bought it, I'll leave it.
Why can't I do it? Because everybody hates you.
Everybody, be quiet.
I'll leave the message.
Hello.
Thank you for calling.
No one is available to take your call right now.
At the sound of the tone, please leave It's a beep.
What's the difference? Some people are tone-deaf, but nobody's beep-deaf.
Fine.
Please.
I'll do it again.
I-I can do it.
(all shouting) Quiet, shh! Shh.
(presses button) Hello.
Thank you for calling.
No one is available to take your call right now.
Please leave a message at the sound of the beep, and we'll get back to you as quickly as possible.
But what if we don't want to get back to someone as quickly as possible? It means you're a girl.
(sighs) Be quiet.
I'll do it again.
(all chattering) Shh! Stop moving so much! Stop pushing.
It's not my fault! His head is in the way.
Okay, shh! Last time.
Hello.
No one is available to take this call right now.
Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.
See? Is that good for everybody? Yeah, that was good.
Yeah.
You sound like a white woman.
Get out of here before I smack the naps out your hair.
Now she sounds like a black woman.
If it's a murder When I was growing up, talk shows were usually hosted by old white men.
Mike Douglas, Phil Donahue, Merv Griffin, Dick Cavett.
But in 1986, one woman changed that forever.
(mispronouncing): Op-rah Winfrey.
"How to have a stronger marriage.
" Hmm.
And with that, Oprah's primary fan base, married working class men, began to take shape.
CHRIS: Well, I just got assigned my Brother from Another Mother today.
Hope it's not a big hassle.
Wish I had one.
I'd love to be a mentor.
To form a lifelong bond, to know if I never did another thing in my life, I'd have made a difference in this world.
Which is why Greg had the happiest pet turtle.
Why don't you sign up? I own a camera.
So who's the kid? Cleavon Barris.
Where's he live? Bed-Stuy, which is weird 'cause I thought I knew all the kids in the neighborhood.
See? All black people don't know each other.
That is weird.
I thought all black people knew each other.
Back at home, my father spent the afternoon with Oprah to get ready for an evening with my mother.
What's this? Flowers from a white person's garden.
These are for you.
For what? Because I love you.
That look means: "Okay, what did you do?" Okay, what did you do? Not this.
You got to get out of here, Ashley.
And give me those flowers! Go, go, go, go, go! I didn't do anything.
(phone ringing) I'll get it.
Uh-da-da-da-da-da.
The machine will answer it.
(phone ringing) ROCHELLE: Hello.
Nobody is available to take your call right now.
Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.
(beep) (machine clicking) (beep) I wonder who that was.
Do you? Should we go upstairs? No.
Did you get fired from your job, Daddy? No.
Did you get fired from your other job? No.
Then who was that on the phone? I don't know.
They didn't leave a message.
Why not? I don't know.
Well, if nothing's wrong, why are you bringing me flowers? I'm just trying to treat you the way I would want to be treated if I was married to me.
Now legal in California.
Hmm.
That's it? Yeah.
Okay.
Hey, so does anybody know a kid from around here named Cleavon Barris? No, why? I got signed up for that Brother from Another Mother program, and they said he lives around here, but I ain't never met him.
Julius, do you know of a child from another mother around here named Cleavon Barris? No.
You remembered his name pretty quick.
Yeah, it'd be better to tell now if you do.
I don't.
I brought flowers for your mother because I love her.
Is that so hard to believe? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And with that, my father was the first man The Oprah Show ever got in trouble.
Meanwhile, finding a black kid in Bed-Stuy was like trying to find a needle in a needle stack.
(knocking) WOMAN: James? James, who that at the door?! James? Hey, Chris.
What you doing here? I'm looking for Cleavon Barris.
WOMAN: Close that door, you hear me?! What you know about Cleavon? I'm supposed to be his Brother from Another Mother.
I used to know Cleavon, back in the day.
See, Cleavon, he had some problems, but me, James, I ain't have those problems.
You hear what I'm saying? You're Cleavon? Hey, keep it down, man.
My mother must have signed me-- I mean, Cleavon-- up for it.
But since I'm not Cleavon, I ain't doing it.
Well, the principal signed me up so I got to do it.
Well, that's between you and Cleavon.
And don't come back around here looking for him no more.
That's what Tupac does every time somebody finds him.
Just because James didn't want a Brother from Another Mother, didn't mean he wasn't going to get one.
James.
What you want? Look, I know you don't want to do this any more than I do.
But if we work together, we won't have to be anywhere near each other.
Worked for Shaq and Kobe.
So what you want me to do? Well, if anybody asks, you just say we were with each other.
That's clever.
I ain't know you had it in you.
I thought you were a punk, a chump, a sissy, a mama's boy All right, all right.
We got a deal? Deal.
Vanessa's out for a week? I wonder why she didn't call me.
Well, I tried calling you last night to let you know I was filling in, but, um, I must've had the wrong number, 'cause some white lady answered the phone, and I just hung up.
Oh, no.
That was me.
See, we got a new answering machine, and that's my phone voice.
Phone voice, white voice.
Same thing.
Michael, what you doing here? I come to see my baby.
Pam.
Hmm? These are for you.
Oh, so sweet.
What are these for? I'm just trying to treat you the way I would want to be treated if I was trying to date me.
Then why didn't you bring her a greasy bucket of gizzards? That is the sweetest thing I ever heard.
I'm gonna see you later tonight for dinner? Mm-hmm.
Smoked pork chop? Mm-hmm.
Everything? Yeah.
Mmm, sweet.
Hey, Chelle, tell Big Man I said "Big Man!" Don't forget the rice, now, baby.
(chuckles) Hi, everybody.
Hi, Youngju.
Oh.
I'll see you later.
(chuckles) (chuckles) More flowers.
That's a coincidence.
What did he say? He said he was just trying to treat me the way he would want to be treated if he was dating himself.
The flowers are rigged with explosives.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's one coincidence too many.
Julius bought me flowers and said the same thing that they said to y'all.
I don't know what's going on around here, but I guarantee you, I'm about to find out.
When my mother got suspicious, she never asked what she wanted to know.
She waited to see what you would tell.
What, no flowers today? You know, I don't want to do the same thing every day.
Yeah, that's right, because if you were me, you wouldn't want them.
Huh? Oh, that's what you said.
It was very nice.
Did you think of all of that by yourself? Straight from the heart.
And right in the back.
(phone ringing) I'll get it.
No.
Let the machine get it.
Mind letting me put the message on? Hi.
Nobody's home right now.
Leave a message, and we'll call you back.
(beep) (dial tone) How come people keep calling and not leaving messages? (beep) Hey, hey Hey! (clearing throat) What y'all doing here? We live here.
What are you doing here? Did you just pick our lock with a credit card? And where did he get a credit card? This? Nah.
This was an accident.
I thought this was my house.
You live across the street.
Sorry, man.
I'm dyslexic.
Hey, um I didn't mean to interrupt.
Just going to leave.
You do that.
Okay, Drew, after dinner, you leave the message.
Cool.
While my father was keeping Oprah from my mother, she was getting to every other man in town.
From the guys who were white-collar Stop it, y'all, Oprah's on! to guys who got collared.
Every man in town was watching Oprah.
I guess that's a coincidence, too.
Meanwhile my father wasn't the only one trying to keep something undercover.
Chris, just the man I want to see.
How are things going with Cleavon? Cleavon? Oh, yeah, great.
What kinds of things have you been enjoying together? A lot of stuff.
And the lying-through-your- teeth award goes to We worked on an art project the other day.
(clicking) We also spent some time with the disabled.
(playing jazz) And later on today, we're going to go hang out with some neighborhood kids.
Don't drop me please! No, I'll pay, I swear! No, no, please! Let me go! Let me go, please! I'll pay! Please, don't drop me! Well, that's great.
We can discuss it more at your interview.
You want us here together? No, he won't.
I put the word out on the street that I was looking for James, and, unfortunately, the street answered back.
Hey, Chris.
He could have just said, "Follow me.
" You wearing a wire? No! No one ever waits for the answer before ripping your shirt open.
Then why are you looking for people then, man? What, you supposed to be a detective? You Spenser for Hire, Magnum PI? No, I just need James to come with me to school tomorrow.
It's for this Brother from Another Mother program.
Wait didn't you used to be Wayne Gretzky's bodyguard? James pays better.
I thought we had an understanding.
We do.
It's just that the organization checks up.
They want to talk to both of us tomorrow in school.
Like I said next time you find me, you're gonna end up getting found.
James was tough, but he was still 12.
Listen here, little boy, I ain't got time for this.
You don't show up at school with me tomorrow, I'm gonna call your mother.
All right, man.
Dag.
While I was getting James to step up, my mother was getting the lowdown.
(Drew imitating beat box) # Yo, this is Master Drew and I'm not home # # So call me back on the telephone.
# (beep) (machine rewinding) Hey, little dude's father from across the street, I just saw Oprah today.
You were right: that's a bad woman.
Anyway, I'll talk to you later.
(beep) Look, I don't know what he's going to ask us, so let me take the lead.
Whatever I say, just agree.
Chill out, man.
Got this.
Cleavon? Oh, hello, Mr.
Perkins.
Oh, take a seat, Chris.
I'll be out for you in a bit.
Wait, we're not going in together? No.
I take you in one at a time-- make sure you're doing the things you say you're doing.
Whatever questions they ask James, I hope I had the same answers, or I was going to have to answer a whole other set of questions.
(laughter) Oh, Chris.
From what Cleavon tells me, you two are what the program is all about.
Fraud and deception? We are? Yeah, man.
We are.
Anyway, here are the flyers for the carnival.
It's a fundraiser.
The donors like to see the brothers together.
It's a big photo op, so I'll need you both there.
Okay, we'll be there.
Keep up the good work, boys.
We take your little buddy photo and that's it.
After that, I'm done.
He wasn't the only one.
Hey, baby.
Who the hell is Oprah? That was the last time those words were ever spoken.
Baby, I Uh-uh.
Before you explain, I want you to listen so we're very clear on what you need to tell me.
JEROME: Hey, little dude's father from across the street, man, I just saw Oprah today.
You were right: that's a bad woman.
Anyway, I'll talk to you later.
(beep) Baby, Oprah is a talk show host.
You're supposed to be working two jobs and sleeping during the day.
Exactly when do you have time and where do you go to meet this talk show ho-st? I don't know her.
I-I watch her.
She's in Chicago.
She's on every day.
Look.
Every day.
See? Okay.
What's in the bag? I'm throwing out your makeup.
You're doing what?! Oprah said you don't have to paint your face for me.
I love you just the way you are.
Oprah doesn't know what I look like without my makeup! And neither does my father.
Julius, baby, do you know what's in this bag? Rochelle is in this bag! See, here's Rochelle's lips, here's her eyelashes, her complexion, her cheeks, her fingernails! (sighs) Julius, I don't know what Oprah's saying, but she's giving out very dangerous information.
Baby, there are certain things that men just don't need to know about women.
Like everything.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to let you know you're good enough for me.
Even if your face is inside this bag.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Baby, you really want to do something for me? Anything.
Stop watching Oprah.
That's how Oprah's audience turned from all men to all women.
(phone ringing) And that's how the message on our answering machine became JULIUS: We're not home right now.
Leave a message after the beep.
(beep) Hey, Jerome.
Hey! Man, I-I was just I know what you were doing.
Just take the answering machine and get out.
He still came back later to try and steal the TV.
While my father was getting our answering machine stolen, I was getting my picture taken.
I'm so proud.
Every single one of you completed his community service.
Way to go, Chris.
The ghetto owes you one.
Okay, big smile.
(camera shutter clicks) All right, everybody, go have fun! James.
You know you can stay for a while if you want to.
What for? It's a carnival.
It's fun.
It's not like we got them on the block.
After all was said and done, I found out a few things about James.
His real name was Cleavon.
He was raised by the streets.
And he was still a 12-year-old kid.
All right, man, dag.
You act like you're my big brother for real.
And I'm not petting no farm animals.
He was also allergic to goats.
Hey, this was pretty cool.
Cool.
Look what I got.
Man, you won that? I didn't say I won it.
I said I got it.
Here.
This for you.
Thanks.
At that moment, I thought that deep down James was a decent person who had a good shot of making it in life.
That's him! The one with the jacket.
I thought wrong.
# Everybody hates Chris.
#