Everybody Hates Chris s04e14 Episode Script

( upbeat theme playing ) CHRIS: Going to high school is full of pressure because you barely spend any time there before they start trying to prepare you for college.
These are guidebooks for the PSATs.
What's that? It's a preliminary college exam.
Do well on this, chances are you'll get into a good college, get a good job, and have a good life.
What if you don't do good? If you don't do well Then you get something from my box of paper hats.
Let's see which one of these will look good on your head? Try that.
See if you can read that.
"May I take your order, please?" Perfect.
If you suck on the PSAT, you got nothing to worry about.
You got a future ahead of you.
A super-sized future.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) # Oh, make it funky now # I wanted to do well on the PSAT, but my mother wanted me to do better Look at this, Chris.
You could get a National Merit Scholarship.
If you get enough answers right, you get money, like on Jeopardy.
DREW: Actually, on Jeopardy, you have to get the questions right.
Actually, nobody asked you.
JULIUS: They give scholarships for being smart? I thought they only gave scholarships for playing sports.
Do they give scholarships for being an idiot? Chris can get that.
ROCHELLE: Hush, Tonya.
Chris, if you do well on this, this would really mean a lot.
You know what, I'm thinking about enrolling you, Drew, and Tonya into Hansel and Gretel.
What's Hansel and Gretel? Hansel and Gretel is a social organization made up of successful black families.
You know, the upper crust of the black community.
We were just the crust.
How are we supposed to get in? Well, we're successful in our own way.
I mean each of us has something that we can be proud of.
I'm not pregnant.
I'm not on drugs.
I'm not in a gang.
I actually know where all my kids are.
See, baby, we're almost perfect.
We're damn near white.
You know what, we're going to go to a meet-and-greet on Sunday.
If they like us, we're in.
While my mother was happy, the big test was making Greg testy.
This test is a monster.
Have you looked at this thing? It covers everything from analogies and reading comprehension to algebra, geometry, statistics and probability.
Anybody got a dictionary? I don't have enough time to do the work I need to do to stay in this school.
When am I going to find time to do the work I need to do to get into another school? Well, make time.
You have to prepare for this kind of exam.
Study a few hours every night and then get eight hours of sleep the night before the test.
I haven't slept eight hours since I was born.
We were so broke, we had to share our sleep.
I don't know about you.
I'm just going to cram it in the night before.
It'll be easier to remember if I just read it.
Historically, white people prepare in advance, while black people deal with things at the last minute.
From going to the movies So what's playing? Anything good? Let me see Spaceballs? What's that about? to natural disasters.
Yeah, girl.
You know anybody with a boat? Hey, little dude, let me hold a dollar.
That'll be a dollar.
Here you go.
PSATs, huh? You know, my uncle works at the place that makes the test books.
And I'm selling answer keys if you need one.
No, I'm good.
Well, you'll be better if you have the answers to that test.
I'd be better if you'd stop robbing me every single day.
Did you see this? "Congratulations.
You have won a free 27-inch color TV.
" What is this, a scam? No, it's legit.
I called.
They said I just have to come down and pick it up.
What, did you buy a raffle ticket or something? Not that I can remember.
But I enter every contest I see.
He once entered a contest to win a free contest.
At Hansel and Gretel my mother laid down the law like the big bad wolf.
I need you guys to be on your best behavior.
So please, be sure to say "please" and "thank you.
" And for God's sake, use your right fork.
Now if you don't know what somebody is talking about, just look at them, nod, and say, "Oh, really?" And agree, okay? Okay.
Now go mingle.
That's white-speak for talking.
I just started taking violin lessons.
My parents took me to Lincoln Center to see Itzhak Perlman.
He's a genius.
My family could nod and say, "Oh, really?" Oh, really? But good luck getting them to agree.
The violin's okay.
I like the bass.
Have you ever heard the bass line to "Get the Funk Out of My Face"? Louis Thunder-Thumbs Johnson? Now that's a genius.
When Americans talk about dance, it's always Michael Jackson, but I think that if more people were to see Baryshnikov, they would feel differently.
Oh, really? Well, a lot of people saw him dance in White Nights and they're still talking about Michael Jackson.
I'm more of a Boogaloo Shrimp fan myself.
So we all bought houses on the Vineyard.
Aw, let me tell you, weekends at the Inkwell in the summer are amazing.
Oh, really? So you bought another house, in another state, so you can get in the car with your wife and kids and drive eight hours so you can hang out with the same people you hang out with during the week? That is amazing.
While my family was putting people off, my mother was turning it on.
Hello, everyone.
This is my son Chris.
He's taking his PSAT on Monday.
Well done.
George Watkins.
Very impressive, Chris.
You're taking the first step towards college and a very bright future.
And this is? God, not you.
You two know each other? ( sighs ) Yes.
He's the so-called judge that threw me in jail after I beat that speeding ticket.
You were in contempt.
She still is.
Look, okay, that is ancient history, all right? I'm past that.
I'm here today for my children.
Well, if you son is doing well in school, this is an opportunity for him to meet the right people.
He's doing very well, thank you.
He's working on a Merit Scholarship.
She might as well have said I was working on a cure for cancer.
Really? A Merit Scholar, huh? That's right.
Well, you're obviously trying to better yourself.
How about we let bygones be bygones? Bye Gone.
That's how proper black people say, "Let's squash this.
" Chris, just make sure you study a little every night and get eight hours of sleep before your test.
Don't cram.
That's a surefire way to fail.
Okay, great.
Good to see you.
( mocking ): Good to see you, too.
I don't think he means it.
Back at home, if the judge had been around he'd be holding me in contempt.
Boy, what are you doing? Didn't you hear what the judge said? You need to go to bed.
But But nothing! Stop studying so you can do well on that test! First time I ever heard that.
Since I didn't get to cram on my test, there was only one thing left to do.
Hey, Jerome Little dude from across the street.
Let me hold a dollar.
I'll let you hold $20.
I need the answer key to the PSAT test.
Now you're thinking.
All right, everyone, listen up.
The test is about to commence.
No pressure.
It's-- just the rest of your lives at stake.
Begin.
While everyone else took the test, I took out the answers.
And after the test results were in, I got called out.
Chris, I just never would have expected this out of you.
I just don't see how you could do this.
When you're about to go down for a crime, everybody knows it's best to throw yourself on the mercy of the court.
Ms.
Morello, I can explain.
This test meant a lot to my mother.
I bet it did.
And she must be proud of you.
A perfect score on the PSAT test? That's unheard of in the history of this school.
You're like a little chocolate Einstein.
More like chocolate Pinocchio.
Thanks.
Anyway, we're taking you out of your regular classes and putting you in the Advanced Placement program.
Advanced Placement? Yes.
If you think white people are smart, wait until you to go class with the Asians.
Back home, I decided to keep my high score on the down low.
Chris, how did you do on the PSAT? Oh, I think I did fine.
Halle Berry fine.
They should be sending the scores soon.
Good.
'Cause I want to impress those Hansel and Gretel people.
And I want to brag about your score to that Judge Watkins.
Nothing like using your kids to fight your battles for you.
I stood out in AP class because unlike everyone else, I was dumb.
I need you to read The Theory of Atomic Physics, Quantum Dynamics and Worm Holes, and Richard Feynman's Quantum Electrodynamics: The Strange Theory of Light and Matter.
Which were all made into Wayans Brother movies.
Then write a report on each of them presenting an alternate theory to each central thesis.
This is a tough assignment so I'll give you plenty of time.
You have until tomorrow.
While I dealt with my success, Greg dealt with his failure.
Advanced Placement classes.
I can't understand how you did so well on the test.
I studied for days and still did horribly.
Greg, I cheated.
I had the answers.
Dude, why didn't you tell me? I could have used them, too.
Don't you think it'd look suspicious if you and I ended up with identical scores? Plus, he would have panicked and ratted me out.
Yeah, plus, I would have panicked and ratted you out.
At least now I have a year to study for the real SATs, which I'm gonna take legitimately.
So technically, this really wasn't cheating.
With that kind of thinking, I should have gone into politics.
Dude, you're in the AP class.
What about that? No problem.
I won't last in there a week.
How do you know? Oh, I know.
While I wanted to be free from AP class, my father wanted a free TV.
Hi.
How you doing? Hey.
I'm here to pick up a TV set I won.
Oh, okay, I just need to see some ID to make sure your name's on the list.
Okay.
Those TVs are nice.
Yeah.
Oh, we got you.
Okay, Julius, just sign right here.
Okay, great, that's everything.
All right.
You're under arrest! What? What am I under arrest for? tickets from 1982! Parking tickets?! Yeah, maybe next time you'll think twice before you try and cheat New York City out of a quarter! Does this mean I don't get the free TV? Get him the hell out of here! Ow! Ow! While my father was thrown in jail, I tried to get thrown out of class.
Does anyone have the answer? Does your mama have the answer? Excuse me? Don't excuse me.
Excuse your mama.
( laughing ) "Excuse your mama?" Chris, what were you thinking? I don't know.
I guess I have to go back to Thurman's class now.
No, I can get you back into AP class, but no more "your mama" jokes.
Obviously, you need a challenge.
So, I'm putting you on the Academic Scholastathon Team.
Academic Scholasta-what? Scholastathon! It's a team competition where students match their intellects against students from other schools.
I'm not sure I'm right for this.
Are you kidding? This will be like intellectual basketball.
And you're our Dr.
J! I just hope I don't get hung from the intellectual rim.
While I faced humiliation with the Academic Scholastathon Team, my father faced something worse: my mother.
Parking tickets, Julius? I'm trying to get us into Hansel and Gretel and now I got to get you out of jail? I paid those tickets with one money order.
Look, I even have the receipt right here.
We can straighten this out when we get to court.
I don't understand why they didn't get my money order.
( scoffs ) I'm damned if I ain't getting time off for my wedding! You want me to file the money orders?! I'll file the money orders, Julius! ( explosion ) Back at school, even though I seemed to keep failing upwards, I was about to take my whole team down.
Welcome to today's Academic Scholastathon match between Tattaglia High and John Saxon High.
Today's questions will focus on the subject of Afro-American icons.
Our first question goes to last week's champion.
"What famous Afro-American basketball player claims to have slept with over 20,000 women?" Sheryl Swoops? We don't know.
( buzzer ) Tattaglia? Wilt Chamberlain.
( bell dings ) Correct! The teams were all white, but unfortunately for them, the questions were all black.
Shirley Chisholm.
( bell dings ) Correct! Earl the Pearl Monroe.
( bell dings ) Correct.
Jimi Hendrix.
Correct! Peaches and Herbs.
Huggy Bear.
Bugaloo Shrimp! ( cheering ): Correct! ( bell dings ) With a perfect score of 34 to nothing, the match goes to Tattaglia High! ( audience clapping ) My Academic Scholastathon performance was pure luck.
Unfortunately, my mother thought it was pure genius.
Chris, how come you didn't tell me your were on the Athletic Scholastathon Team? 'Cause I didn't want to jinx my match.
Well, you may not want to brag, but I do.
Now, I got to tell everybody to come to your next match.
She told my family, our friends, our neighbors, Kill Moves?! Judge Watkins! Yes, Judge Watkins, you have to come see him Pretty much everybody on Earth.
and even a few people not on Earth.
MAN ( over headphones ): Mission control, there is a black woman outside of the Space Station.
Hey! Come see my son in the Academic Scholastathon! He's really smart.
He gets it from me! Everybody there wanted to see me in the Academic Scholastathon except me.
WOMAN: The questions today will be on the conjugation of Lithuanian verbs.
Oh, yes! First question to the champions of last week, Tattaglia.
What is the pluperfect of the verb dirbit? I don't know.
( buzzer ) Who doesn't know dirba? Hiroshima High? Dirba.
( bell dings ) Correct.
Let's try another question.
After that, I came down quicker than Milli Vanilli after the lip sync scandal.
MODERATOR: Tattaglia? I don't know.
( buzzer blares ) Hiroshima? Matea.
Tattaglia? I don't know.
( buzzer ) Suprasti.
( bell dings ) I got nothing.
Pirkti.
CHRIS: I don't know.
HIROSHIMA GIRL: Atsibosti.
Wilt Chamberlain? Zvimbti.
WOMAN: Correct! And that is the final question.
And the winner with a perfect score of 34 to nothing: Hiroshima High! I hope this doesn't hurt our chances for getting into Hansel and Gretel.
Oh, your chances aren't hurt.
Oh, thank God.
They're destroyed.
Decimated, obliterated, annihilated.
Okay, okay! I get it.
Rochelle, your kid's an idiot.
You nearly had me at the mixer.
I knew Chris was an idiot.
After decapitating the Academic Scholastathon, I was never so happy to be sad.
You okay, baby? Mom, I know how much you wanted us to be in Hansel and Gretel.
So, I'm sorry I messed up.
Baby, if they think this family's not good enough to join their stupid club, then forget them.
Bet they'd beg me to join now! I'm proud of you.
Even though I lied and cheated? Thanks, Mom.
Having my mother believe in me when I was wrong was one of the reasons that I always wanted to do right.
Hey, did you ever get those PSAT scores back? Oh, um, I'll get them to you tomorrow.
While I was planning to settle my score, my mother and father had to settle a case.
Case 765443.
That's me.
All right, I see you have a complaint regarding a series of unpaid parking tickets.
Oh, no, not you.
What-What are you, following me around? You think I want to be here? Say the wrong thing and you'll get locked up faster than a door with Jehovah's Witnesses coming.
Just joking, witnesses.
We love you guys! Uh, Your Honor, I have a receipt that shows I paid all the tickets in question.
You may approach the bench.
Objection! Rochelle! What are you objecting to? The way you treated my family.
Listen, I am trying to give you a break.
I suggest you fix your attitude.
You're the one with the attitude.
Let me tell you something.
Just because you do summer in the Vineyard, and you go swimming in the Inkpen, and you play the violin instead of the funky bass, and you eat those, all those stupid little finger foods, does not make you better than somebody.
Okay? My son is a good kid! And my husband is innocent! So, you know what? You can take your little Hansel and Gretel and you can shove it up your Lady, you are out of order! No! You're out of order! You're out of order! This whole trial is out of order! Get her out of here.
Get her out of here! Attica! I have the receipts.
Attica! Get him, Julius! Back home it appeared that both jail and the PSATs were behind us.
She screamed at the judge? Cool! What happened after that? The money I was going to save by winning the case I had to spend to bail your mother out of jail.
Judge Watkins? Oh, look what we have here.
I cannot believe you even showed your face here.
We ain't in court now.
And we don't want to go back.
I just came to say I'm sorry.
What? The goal at Hansel and Gretel is to create a better life for our children.
You and your husband obviously care about your kids.
And if you're interested, I'd like to officially invite you to join.
Chris? Ms.
Morello? So, what, are you trying to skip town before the heat comes down? What are you talking about? Let's just say this young man is cracked, busted, and found out.
WATKINS: Found out about what? There was a citywide security breach.
Chris was one of 1,400 students to get a perfect score on his PSATs.
Hold up, are you trying to say that my son cheated? I didn't say that.
But you were thinking it.
You know, it's really not polite to use your voodoo mind tricks on white people.
So, your son cheated on his test? And the only reason he got a perfect score in the Academic Scholastathon is because the questions were all about black people.
There's a competition with questions about black people? I'm sorry, but Chris, you're back in your regular classes as of next week, and Yeah, I know.
Detention.
No, that would be too easy.
I'm making you stay on the Academic Scholastathon Team.
As your punishment, you can go on losing along with them.
Well, I have to go while I still have some hubcaps.
Too late! And I don't know who you are, but I love a black man in a suit.
Call me.
I know, obliterated, decapitated, incarcerated.
Bye! He's going to go get adulterated! Boy, I ought to knock you into subspace.
Isn't that kind of ridiculous? MAN ( over headphones ): Mission Control, that stupid black kid is outside of the Space Station.
Help me! ( upbeat theme playing )