Everybody Loves Raymond s06e09 Episode Script

I'm so glad you're here, Mom.
Oh, me too.
I just think it's great that you and Dad are both coming for Thanksgiving.
It really means a lot to me.
Ohh.
With the knees.
Lift with the knees! Ooh.
Thank you, Raymond.
My pleasure there you.
Okay, all right.
Oh, wait, Ray.
There's something I kind of want to tell you both.
Oh.
Well, you Deb, you can tell me later.
Ray.
But I'd love to hear it now, too.
That's cool.
You know your father and I have gotten along very well since the divorce, and we talk a couple of times a week, and, well, I just wanted to let you know that your father's going to bring a friend to Thanksgiving.
What? What do you mean? I think it's a woman friend.
I got that, Ray.
Right.
Yes, but really, it's all right.
Well, what do you mean, he's gonna bring a woman? A date? He's bringing a date? Oh, this is ridiculous.
I guess be happy that it is a woman, right? Mom, this is not right.
Her coming over here with Dad, sitting across the table from you it's just it's got to be too weird for you.
No, Debra, it won't be.
We talked about it, and, really, I'm fine.
I don't like this at all.
All right, come on, Ma.
No.
Marie, what do you think? Well, bringing some girl, some floozy to dinner with his ex-wife it's uncouth.
Oh, I don't think she's a floozy, Marie.
Then why date her? I mean, how can he already have a girlfriend? You've only been apart eight months.
- Yeah, it's unbelievable.
- Thank you, Robert.
How come I can't find a girlfriend? You know, Mom, I just don't think that you Deb, Deb, Deb, I think if your mom's okay with it, isn't that what's important? Honey, you know I still care for your father very much, and if this girl is what he needs to feel better about himself, to feel younger, I say good for him.
Okay? I guess, yeah.
Okay.
Good, good.
And who knows? Soon I just may be out there looking for an eligible younger man myself.
Hey, great job today.
What? What are you talkin' about? "If your mom's okay with it, that's what's important.
" What? That's what you said today.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Good night.
She's not okay.
She had to act that way because your whole family was there staring at her.
What was she supposed to do? My parents were together for 41 years, and now my father has to go find some little chippy who makes him feel like he's still got it.
Trust me, this is painful for her.
I guess, but I gotta tell ya.
Sounds to me like maybe maybe you're not so okay with it.
Oh, you pickin' up on that, Einstein? I wish I was Einstein, 'cause then I'd invent a time machine and go back to when you were nice.
Boo.
Boo.
Stop it.
Boo.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Come on, what? What do you want me to do? Oh, nothing.
You've never paid any attention to my mother before.
You don't have to start now.
What are you talkin' about? I pay attention to your mom.
You don't even call her anything.
You just grunt at her.
"How are you today, Raymond?" "Uhh.
" Yeah, come in.
- Good night, you two.
- Okay, good night, Mom.
Yes, pleasant dreams and have a happy tomorrow, milady.
Ray, I've put almonds with the green beans.
I remember you liked them that way.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
You have nice hair.
Thank you.
Thank you for not wearing a hat.
So, Ray, you gonna let Warren and his girlfriend sleep in the same bed, huh? All right.
Hey, what if those two get married? Oh, and have a kid? Ah, that'd be awkward.
Let's see.
Debra already has a sister.
Maybe a brother this time, huh? You can burp and change your own brother-in-law.
Shut up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That must be them.
Come on! Say "Excuse me," huh? Hey, there's my guy Raymond! Hey.
Hello, hello.
Everybody, I want you to meet Emma.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hello.
No brother for Debra.
Welcome.
We've been expecting you.
Well, not you, exactly.
This is Lois, the woman I've told you so much about.
I'm so happy to finally meet you.
- And Ray - Hi.
- And Robert - Hello! How are you? Marie and Frank It's a pleasure to meet you, Emma, and that's a lovely pantsuit.
Oh, this old thing? And this is my daughter Debra.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- Dad.
It's nice to meet you, Debra.
I baked this pie for you.
Oh, thank you.
It looks delicious.
It's an old family recipe.
So you work at Warren's office? Yes.
I was all set to retire last year, but I decided I wasn't ready.
You know what they say "You're only as old as you feel.
" Then I'm not a day over 21! There you go.
- Good for you.
- Ha, ha, ha! So, Deb, where are my grandkids? Oh, well, Ally's with a friend right now, and the twins are taking a nap.
We let them stay up late with Grandma last night.
Oh, you know, actually, after our drive, I'm a bit tuckered out myself.
Do you want to lie down? Would that be all right? Uh, sure, sure.
I'll take you up.
I can do it, Deb.
Uh, Ally's room okay? Yep, great.
Thank you for inviting me to your home.
I'm so happy to be spending Thanksgiving with you all.
Well, sure.
That's yeah.
The more the merrier.
Happy New Year! I like her.
She seems very pleasant.
Oh, very pleasant.
Yeah, she's great.
Yeah, yeah, it's good 'cause we all thought Warren was gonna go for someone younger, but it turns out he's just going for someone different.
Oh, I-I misspoke.
I it's the opposite of what I said.
I do that.
I do that a lot.
Last week I said, "I'm dinner.
What's for hungry?" Yeah.
And then l then I asked her if the cleaners were back from my pants.
It's like watching a car accident.
I think I'm going to go for a walk.
If you could just tell Warren, and I'll be back in a little while.
Uh, I'll go with you, Mom.
I'll come, too.
All right, okay.
You guys have a good time.
We'll just be here Okay.
Kill is going to Debra you.
Oh, God, ohh.
Why do you say things? Becau Debra wanted me to be supportive of her mother or something.
I don't know.
Tryin' to please the wife.
When are you gonna learn? Where are all the ladies? Oh, uh, they went for a walk.
To get away from Raymond.
So, how's everybody been? Good, good.
Yeah, Emma seems nice.
A fine woman.
Genteel.
Oh, yeah, she's really terrific.
May I ask one question? Of course, Frank.
What the hell are you doing? Dad.
Dad! No, I mean I mean, she seems nice and all, but jeezaloo! You got a golden opportunity here.
You're still handsome, nice tan.
You got all your teeth and then some.
What gives? Dad, stop.
I mean, right? Jeez.
Actually, what is the thought process here? Okay, yeah, Emma is a little bit older than me, but I gotta tell you, guys, it's not all about looks and sex for me.
Okay, but is any of it? Emma is warm and funny and charming.
I simply adore her company, and, uh, can I tell you something about dating an older woman? That's okay.
It's okay.
She appreciates me.
When I'm with her, I'm the young buck.
I feel more hip and energetic now than any time in my marriage.
Interesting.
I'm trying to picture myself with a woman who's older.
She'd have to be like a mummy or something.
Frank I was kidding! I wanna talk to you.
I thought you were going for a walk.
- Ray.
- Hi, pumpkin.
Robert, Dad, could you excuse us, please? Everybody can stay.
Can't they just stay? Where's your mother? She needed some time alone, Ray.
Hey, Warren, you wanna go down to Marco's for a slice? They have other things there? Full bar.
You drive.
What if Emma wakes up? Oh, she just went down.
She's good for three hours.
Let me ask you something, Ray.
Did you say what you said to my mother to be cruel, or is that just how you feel men just want someone different? She's got you in the crosshairs.
That's how you feel, isn't it, Frank? What the hell did I do? Oh, don't play dumb with me, mister.
You'd love to have someone different, wouldn't you? That's a secret? I'm not kidding around, Frank.
And, Raymond, how could you? Where is your compassion? The woman has tears in her eyes because she's been replaced, and not by some young hotsie-totsie girl, but by an older woman.
What is happening? How can you fight that? And a husband who's just said to her, "It's not your looks, it's not your body, it's you.
" That's disgusting.
And you're all the same.
Hey! I am nothing like this guy.
Hey, Dad! No, sir.
You're on your own.
I want to eat tonight.
The sins of the son shall not bother the father.
Come on.
Honey, you have to know I didn't mean it, right? It just slipped out.
Yeah, I know it did, and we all got a wonderful insight - into how you really feel.
- Yes.
What you have is never good enough.
The grass is always greener, hmm? It's all about someone different, isn't it, Ray? I remember Claudia.
The cleaning lady? That's right.
After Ally was born, she came once a week to help.
I remember.
She weighed 200 pounds, had bad skin and a limp, and you still couldn't help staring at her! No one could! You know what I mean.
You think I'm blind? I'd see you sittin' on that couch, sneakin' peeks at her while she vacuumed with the same look you have for your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
You make me sick! I'm a little sick, too.
Wait a minute! I don't know what the hell you're talkin' about! Okay, maybe I would look at the Swimsuit Issue, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna leave you for one of those girls.
And the only reason you don't is that they don't ask you.
Thank you, Ma! This is the point.
It doesn't have to be one of those bikini girls.
It could be the checkout girl at the A&P or a waitress at Marco's or Claudia the cleaning lady! I do not want Claudia! Oh, bull! You'll take anyone as long as they're different, right?! Ohh! Stop it! Come on! Stop it, everybody! Just stop.
Come on, just no hitting.
Look, w-we're all a little upset.
This is an upsetting situation.
Your father came home with an old lady and I can see how that can make you all man-hatey, but I don't want anyone else, and I never will.
I don't want the waitress, I don't want the A&P lady, and, honey, you have to believe me, I never wanted Claudia, the 200-pound cleaning woman.
What about the swimsuit model? Not if she begged me! Yeah, all right.
Frank? What? What do you have to say? This is dumb.
You still need reassurance after 45 years of bondage? All right, I'm gonna tell you something now I've never told anyone else before.
I could have had my chance with Claudia.
What? That's right.
There was one day I was dropping off your old highchair, And there was no one at your apartment except her.
And she let me in, and she asked me if I wanted something to drink, and I said, "Yeah.
" I was thirsty from luggin' the freakin' highchair up your damn steps.
She poured me some iced tea, and when she stuck her hand out to give it to me, and I went for it, she pulled it back a little, you know, like playfully? That whore.
And you know what? Even though she was not what you would call classically beautiful, I could see what Ray saw in her.
Dad! No, no, she had something.
There was always a little rumba in the horn section.
I never looked at her horn section.
I swear to God.
And I said, "Just give me the tea," like that, and she gave me the tea.
And I drank it, and I handed her the glass back, and she washed it, and I left.
And that was it, because I have a wife named Marie.
Oh, Frank.
There you go.
Wait a minute.
You watched her wash the glass? Well, yeah.
I'm not a monk.
Hi.
- Hello, Raymond.
- Hi.
Listen, uh, I'm sorry about what I said before.
Oh, that's all right.
No, no, it's not.
I'm stupid.
Well, you certainly are not.
What you said was true, not stupid.
Well, insensitive, then.
Yes.
But I'm not hurt, honestly.
Of course the circumstances are a bit sad, but this is what divorce is, and if this is what it is, I'd rather Warren and I live the rest of our lives trying to be happy than not.
Right.
Listen, I-I I hope I hope you're happy, too Mom.
Ohh.
Okay, okay.
He called her "Mom.
" Well, that hardly seems necessary.
Great bird, Debra.
I didn't think you had it in ya.
I got some on me.
Have you got a spot, Raymond? I can get that off for you, sweetie.
Oh, that's all right, Lois.
I can get that spot.
I have for over 40 years.
Isn't that right, my handsome boy? Oh, boy.
Look at me.
I got a lot to be thankful for.
Robert, could you pass me the potatoes, please? Sure.
Oh, my, so heavy.
Well, here you go.
I gotcha.
Thank you, Robert.
You're so strong.
Thank you.
So, Emma any more at home like you?