F is For Family (2015) s04e06 Episode Script

1
[Samantha] Having a baby is
the most natural process in the universe.
A hysterectomilogical blooming that hinges
on our ability to relax and breathe.
And through that relaxation
comes peace and a oneness with nature.
Why the fuck was I ever born?
[grunting]
Blowing 70 bucks on a baby.
Could've had ten surf and turfs.
Twelve on Veteran's Day.
[kids gasping]
Jesus! You ever hear of knocking?
You ever hear of running away?
Uh, don't everyone jump up
to help me at once.
Goddamn kids, laying around doing nothing.
-All they do is watch TV and bitch
-[kids grumbling]
Ah! Goddamn it!
Fucking God and gravity teaming up on me!
Having a day, huh?
A day? I'm having a life.
My whole family hates me.
And to top it off, Sue made me buy
the fucking Taj Mahal of cribs.
I swear to God, what would she be doing
if she wasn't wasting money?
Wasting money? Like your set
of 12 Colt Luger beer steins?
They're collector's items, Susan!
They were the last ones with lead paint!
I hope Colt Luger dies
in that Mexican jail.
Well, I hope your hero dies too!
Who is it, the laundry machine?
Ho-ho, keep digging that hole!
Oh, I will! Believe you me,
I will see you in China!
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
[Frank] Argh.
For all I spent
on this overpriced piece of shit,
that kid better sleep in it
until it gets drafted.
I don't want my baby
around your negative aura today.
-I'm taking the kids to the mall.
-Mom says we're getting pretzels.
I said we'll see.
-Oh, man!
-Sucks!
Oh, no, get them the pretzels, Sue!
Go get yourself a mink coat
while you're at it!
-[Sue] Dick!
-[door closes]
I doubt anyone's ever said this before,
but I'm glad I was in Camden all week.
What the hell happened around here?
Ah, you don't want to know.
The fuck I don't.
Tell your old man what's got you so upset.
It helps to get things off your chest.
Oh, you mean share my feelings?
You sound like one of those weirdos
from Sue's pregnancy class.
"Ooh, feelings.
What's happening to my body?
I'm crying all the time,
but I have no tangible problems.
Meanwhile, my husband is working himself
into an early fucking grave!"
Calm down! Jesus, I'm just trying to help.
You want to help? Learn French.
Why did you get a new crib, anyway?
You have a perfectly good one right here.
Sue's friend Madame Ovary
says it's a death trap.
What does she know?
Uh, it'd take a couple of whacks
to get through a real kid's neck.
I don't know. I really tried to be there
for everybody this week,
and it still bit me in the ass.
And it started out so positive
when Sue almost lost the baby.
All right, now listen up.
Your mom's accident yesterday
was terrible,
but it made me realize
we can't take each other for granted.
And now I got a second chance
to be a better husband and father.
[scoffs] Second chance?
How'd you like a second chance
at my foot up your ass?
Okay, okay, that was a mulligan.
Starting right now, I'm a better dad.
I'm coming to your game this week,
not as a coach, not yelling at Grandpa.
Just as a proud father in the stands.
Thanks, Dad.
Looks like you really stuck up
for yourself last night.
Yeah. I I don't know.
Coach Fitzy was proud of me,
but I'm not sure if--
That's my boy. You keep that up.
Look at you, being a man,
unlike your older sister, Kevin
who seems to be suffering
from the early stages of menopause.
And, princess, I will be there this week
to help paint sets for your play.
Thanks, but I hate the play now.
Amy's the star, and I'm playing
convict number four.
He doesn't even have a name.
Maureen, life is about making
the most of opportunities.
A while back, I lost a promotion
to a man I had no respect for.
But I didn't get discouraged.
I played by the rules,
and I bided my time.
And then, one day, that guy
walked into a propeller.
My point is
sometimes people get shredded,
and then it becomes your time to shine.
Until then, you be
the best convict number four you can be.
Okay, I will.
And don't worry about the name.
Prisoners have numbers.
[chuckles] Soon we'll be calling Kevin
"three-four-two-six-nine."
Kevin, I just insulted you twice
in the last minute.
-You want me to say them again?
-Dad!
I'm trying to focus
on my rock 'n' roll homework.
Vic says I have to sing about catamarans,
and, like, I have no idea
if that's a fish or a mammal.
Well, here's an idea:
Why don't you use the encyclopedias
I busted my ass to get you guys?
You stole those out of the dumpster
at the library.
Hey! It's not stealing if somebody threw
them out, you no-good thankless fucks!
All right, starting now, starting now,
I'm a better dad.
And no upsetment around here today.
Your mom's in a very fragile state.
Frank! Come up here!
I need you right away!
Okay, darling!
Christ, I'm getting whiplash
from these mood swings.
Sweetie, you shouldn't be out of bed.
Come on, let's get those feet up
before your ankles get any more bulbous.
Frank, I feel great. Aren't you excited
that we're going to Lamaze?
Yeah, yeah. And if we're good,
maybe the Lamazes will come to us.
No, Frank, Lamaze is the birthing classes
I told you about last night.
You said you'd go to them with me.
Oh, yeah. Oh, you have such a good memory.
[chuckles]
All right, sign us up.
Can't wait to go with you
to your birthing classes.
Oh, this is gonna be fun, Frank!
I'll be awake through all of it,
and you'll be there to support me
for the natural labor
that could go on for days!
Once my water breaks,
-you'll start timing my contractions.
-[plop]
I'll have to try different positions.
On my knees or on my side!
Or while I'm standing or squatting!
[panting]
It's time to start pushing
when my cervix
is fully dilated.
Oh, you got a filthy mouth!
Wait, you have to be there
when the baby is born?
What kind of Communist shit is that?
You did your job.
You put the baby in there.
I had to go along with it.
I used up all my "are you
fucking kidding me's" for the month.
Christ, when you were born,
I shoved your mother in a cab
to the hospital.
I went to the bar.
Six days later, she picked me up,
and I took her word for it
that she brought home the right kid.
I know. But still, I went to the class
at the Women's Center anyway,
and I did my best.
[Big Bill] They have centers for women?
What the hell do they do there?
Paint each other's toes?
Oh, Frank, it means the world that you're
gonna participate in this birth with me.
Yeah, I can't stop thinking about it.
Jesus Christ!
Welcome, procreators.
It's so good to see you again, Sue.
[chuckles] I'm Samantha. You must be?
Frank. Frank Murphy.
Does the female vagina make you uneasy?
No! I'm just a little uncomfortable
coming face-to-face with one.
I can vouch for that.
[Samantha] Effleurage massage
helps ease the contractions
as your partner prepares for labor.
Being touched by a loved one has
a transplendent effect on inner harmony.
Frank, gently massage Sue's belly,
like a dolphin twirling with the current.
[Frank] That ought to do it.
Something tells me there wasn't
a lot of physical affection
in your life as a child.
No, no, no, you're wrong.
I got a birthday handshake every year.
From my mom.
Patrick, why don't you show Frank
how to sensually connect with his wife?
-[chuckles] Gladly.
-Oh, no. No, no, no. Back off, Paddy.
I can be transplendent, you fucking creep.
Here we go. I can do this.
Just like washing a dirty windshield.
[all] Aw!
Aw, thank you, honey.
Good job, Frank!
[applause]
Oh, yeah, clap for this,
not my service in Korea.
You've earned a moment of relaxation.
Let's watch a film.
See, Frank? Isn't this nice?
Yeah, it's like date night, except I don't
have to worry about getting you pregnant.
[female narrator] Lamaze presents
Your Safe and Healthy Birth.
Starring and dedicated to the memory
of Lena Montgomery.
The birthing process has begun.
Lena's cervix has dilated
to ten centimeters,
or, as her ancient foremothers
would have put it,
two-and-a-half pine cones.
[screaming]
[female narrator] As the baby breaks
through the final barrier, a life begins.
-[Lena screams]
-[splattering]
Oh, and when I start having contractions,
that's when I breathe
and relax and stay on my feet
until I pass my mucus plug.
Hey, sounds like a party.
[Frank] I'm pretty sure
I clipped a kid on a bike.
But I was a hero to Sue.
And I really came through
for a friend at work.
Polls for the special election
open at 7:00 a.m.
Rosie, listen, I'm really sorry I didn't
help you with your speech last week.
I was all--
Hey, that guy on TV looks like you
if you were fatter.
That is me! TV adds 30 pounds.
And takes some hair away.
Great God in Heaven, grant your children
the power to make this man
your next alderman!
Chauncey "Rosie" Roosevelt!
-Yeah!
-Hey, there's Rosie!
Mayor Anthony Tangenti
and his corrupt cronies
have neglected this neighborhood
for too long.
Now, if you elect me, I will dedicate
my life to making your life better.
-I will close the fire hydrants!
-[crowd cheering on TV]
I will make sure the basketball hoops
in our parks have nets.
-[man] That's right!
-And backboards.
-[man 2] Oh, yeah!
-And rims!
And I will fix all the stoplights
that are stuck on yellow!
[cars crashing]
[all] Yeah!
-Yeah!
-[all cheering]
[Jeffords] With an eight-point lead
in the polls, Roosevelt is poised
to become the first Negro alderman
in the city's history.
-Yeah, all right, Rosie!
-Yeah, yeah, all right!
Breaking news, election officials
have announced
that, due to surprise budget cuts,
Twelfth Ward voters
will have to go across town tomorrow
and vote in Whitesboro.
Shit. That's a 40-minute bus ride.
Breaking-er news, all bus service
in the Twelfth Ward
has been canceled tomorrow.
Oh, that's too bad.
[groans]
I knew those crooks would cook up a way
to fuck me out of this election.
They know damn well my base
needs those buses to get to the polls.
It's over! [grunts]
Eh, fuck them, Rosie.
You can still win this thing.
Look, I let you down once, but not again.
I'm gonna help you.
The hell you gonna do?
Drive everybody in my neighborhood
to the fucking voting place?
No. But we know someone who can.
Ah, I think we do.
Oh, I get it. You want to go splitsies
on a whore while we think of an idea.
Today, you ain't delivering
black-market Fiddle Faddle.
No, sir. Today, you become part of history
by delivering caramel-coated democracy.
You will pick up this man's voters,
and you will take them to the polls.
And after they vote for Rosie, fuck them!
[all] Yes, sir!
[funk music playing]
[tires squeal]
[Frank] We drove 700 voters to the polls.
Smokey sold 20 cases of grape soda.
And it worked.
[Jeffords] The results
are apparently official.
Chauncey Roosevelt
was certified as the victor
at 9:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time,
some 38 minutes ago,
thus becoming the first black alderman
in city history. [sighs]
Hug your kids, folks.
America died tonight.
[all cheering]
This is a victory
for every one of any of the two races
who knows our community deserves better.
I am touched and humbled
by your faith in me.
-And I won't let you down.
-[man] Right on.
Georgia, I love you.
Smokey Greenwood, none of this
would've happened without you.
Oh, don't say my name. [chuckles]
They're looking for me.
[all laughing]
Finally, I want to thank Frank Murphy.
Through your gift of friendship,
you came up with a plan
to deliver my voters to the polls.
You're like Santa Claus,
except you're white.
-[all laughing]
-That's funny 'cause Santa Claus is white.
Not above 71st Street he ain't!
[all laughing]
Now hold on, wait a minute.
Why are you acting like somebody shit
in your Ovaltine?
Sounds like your week went great.
This was just Tuesday.
And it was all downhill from there.
[sighs]
I make an effort.
I do everything right,
but no good deed goes unpunished.
Like with Rosie, right after he won,
he tells me he wants to get a jump
on being the best alderman
in the history of the Twelfth Ward,
so he's gonna take
all of his unused sick days.
Well, how many is that? Four, five?
-Forty-seven.
-Rosie, that's almost three months.
-Christ, what the fuck will I do?
-Frank, it's not forever.
Alderman isn't a full-time job,
but I only get one crack at this.
I mean, what'd you think
was gonna happen when I got elected?
-I didn't think that far.
-You thought I was gonna lose!
-All you ever talked about was losing!
-I was trying to lower my expectations!
And I was helping you lower them,
you fucking ingrate!
Ingrate? I thanked you
in my victory speech!
I didn't even thank my kids, motherfucker!
And where are you lovely folks
going today?
We don't know.
None of us knows nothing.
[Frank] Then things got worse
that afternoon at Maureen's play practice.
She took my advice. Too well.
If you can electrocute a dog,
you can electrocute a person.
Oh, Alfred P. Southwick, you've given
the death penalty new life.
Oh, that was wonderful.
Now let's bring up
our "no small parts" actors
to rehearse their very small parts.
I think she's talking about us!
I am convict number four,
but my real name is Horace Lee Chapman.
Let currents of justice
course through your body.
-For I, Alfred P. South--
-Hold on, Al.
I am innocent of the crime
for which I was condemned,
shoving a flaming-hot poker
up an old bastard's shit kitchen.
-[kids groaning]
-What the hell kind of play is this?
You can't change the script.
Now be a good girl and get executed.
I was just following my dad's advice.
Francis Murphy, you put her up to this?
-No, I never--
-Yes, you did!
You told me to be
the best convict number four I could be!
I never said anything about shit kitchens.
-That was mine.
-Go away, Bridget.
The "Dead Moms Club" meets down the hall.
Suck my hairy tit!
-[Bridget grunts]
-[screams]
-Ha-ha, missed me!
-[grunts]
My creation!
[kids grunting]
[Frank] But that shit storm
was just a drizzle
compared to what happened
at Bill's hockey game.
Thanks a lot, Dad! They made me
the off-stage script assistant.
I don't even get a death scene anymore.
Life is a death scene, princess.
Now just let me cheer on Bill in peace.
-[whistle blows]
-[Frank] Hey, go get them, Bill!
Remember what I told you!
Stick up for yourself!
That's my son out there.
-[whistle blows]
-[grunts]
-Whoa.
-[rock music playing]
[grunting]
[screams]
Ah!
Which one is your boy?
Uh, the weird goalie with the giant head.
[moaning]
Jesus Christ, it's like the jacuzzi room
at the Quint City Motor Inn.
You're disgusting.
At least I'm not telling
the whole neighborhood
about mucus plugs and afterbirth.
Oh, Marie. I love when you're
on your high horse.
Saddle up, cowboy!
To my boys! I'm so proud of all of you!
Papa, does this mean
I can sleep inside the house now?
Don't push it.
[all] Fryers! Fryers! Fryers!
Dad, coach says
I'm the toughest player he's ever seen.
And he's been to prison.
Bill, what you did,
that's not what hockey is about.
I mean, there's a difference
between playing tough and playing dirty.
But you told me to keep it up.
I told you to stick up for yourself,
not to go around slew-footing
everyone on the other team.
Jesus, Dad. First I'm a pussy,
then I'm a bully?
Make up your mind.
What kind of disappointment am I?
At least he didn't get you demoted
to "backstage nobody."
Oh, for Chrissake, let's all pile on Dad!
Open season on the breadwinner!
You're screaming at us
because we listened to you! It's not fair!
Well, it's high time
that you learned that life isn't fair!
I already know that.
You put it in my birthday card every year.
And a quarter!
Yeah, well, I'm gonna do what Coach Fitzy
wants me to do. He likes me.
There's Billy-boy, my star!
And just three months ago,
I couldn't have cared less
if you died in that train accident.
[scoffs] Fucking kids.
They don't appreciate me.
Never a kind word.
-Hey, Dad.
-Don't patronize me, you son of a bitch.
What? I was coming
to thank you for your advice.
I used the encyclopledia like you said,
and I wrote a whole song about catamarans.
With two equal shafts ♪
And a mast as tall as a steeple ♪
A catamaran is a pleasure craft ♪
For two to 16 people ♪
Okay, and then you go:
Catamaran, set sail across the ocean ♪
[both] Catamaran
Don't forget your suntan lotion ♪
Are you okay?
Nah, it's just so nice
to see a friendly face.
-I'm glad you're happy.
-Thanks for noticing.
I bet it's that girl you're seeing, huh?
How do you know about her?
Well, she signed her name
on your neck with her mouth.
Oh, yeah. [chuckles]
So who's the lucky lady?
Oh, she's not a lady.
She's a girl at school.
You don't know her, and if you did,
that would be really creepy.
Is she that, uh You know, the one
you went to summer school with?
-Who?
-You know, that
No, I don't know.
-You know.
-I don't.
You know, your little lady friend there.
South of the Mediterranean.
She's not black,
if that's what you're worried about!
-Racist!
-Racist? Oh, what the fuck?
I don't care if she's black, white,
brown, green, or purple!
You'd freak the fuck out
if she was purple!
Everybody would! It's weird!
You're such a dick!
I'm not the one calling people racist!
[doors open]
I just helped a black guy do a thing!
And now I get to bring another kid
into the world
who's gonna end up hating me.
What's the fucking point?
But what happened
to make Sue so mad at you?
Oh, that was the cherry
on top of the shit sundae.
So last night we had
yet another birthing class.
Breast milk is mother's ambrosia.
Studies show it leads
to better brain development.
Uh When is the right time
to stop breastfeeding?
I don't know, Linda. When do you want
your baby's brain to stop growing?
I guess never?
Good answer.
-This broad.
-Frank.
Sorry, sorry.
It's time for partner praise.
Who has something to celebrate?
Frank has stopped drinking
before he gets home from work,
and he got our new crib all set up.
Oh, don't thank me.
Thank the Baby-B-Safe corporation
of Juárez, Mexico.
You bought a Baby-B-Safe crib?
Sure did, on clearance.
They were practically giving them away.
[all gasp]
A committed partner would have read
the "For the Father-to-Be" pamphlet
I handed you at the very first class.
-[woman] Oh, my God!
-[all grumbling]
You didn't read the literature?
I read the literature.
Frank, this is a bright neon sign
screaming, "You are not emotionally
available for Sue or your baby."
Or maybe it's a sign
that I'm busting my ass all day
to feed three ungrateful kids.
It's not about you. It's about her.
Everyone, this is what it looks like
when a man emotionally abandons his wife.
-Who was he?
-Who?
Who was the guy who dumped you
and made you this way?
Did he turn back into a rat
after the spell wore off?
-Frank!
-No, it's okay. I got this, Sue.
I'm used to dealing with men like this.
Let me tell you about yourself, Frank.
Oh, go ahead, moonbeam.
You are incapable of displaying
or responding to any type of emotion.
You're afraid of intimacy.
You're afraid to admit you need love.
-You're afraid of feelings in general.
-Hmm.
[Samantha] The only emotion
you're comfortable with
-is rage.
-Really?
[Samantha]
Partly because you can't control it,
-but mostly because it pushes people away.
-Ah.
Maybe if you'd gotten just one single hug
in the first 18 years of your life,
you wouldn't be so emotionally crippled.
Let me tell you something, lady.
I should get a fucking medal
for putting up with your bullshit
for as long as I did!
Paying good money to listen to you
teach my wife how to breathe,
like you just fucking discovered it
and it's not something every person
in this room has been doing involuntarily
for, I don't know, fucking ever!
Frank, this is something I believe in.
You didn't even read the brochure
or any of the books I gave you.
The healing stones you said you bought
were just gravel from the driveway.
Well, you're not sick, are you?
I'm sick of you!
I'm about to go through intense labor
bringing your child into this world,
and all I ask for is that I have
my best friend there to hold my hand.
Who? Ginny?
You, you idiot!
I'm out of here.
[grunting]
Help me get up so I can walk out on you!
[Patrick] I bought the healing stones.
So I shell out 70 bucks for another crib,
and she's still mad at me.
They're all mad at me.
The whole world hates Frank Murphy.
Well, your crib's finished, you big baby.
The way things are going,
I might need to sleep in it tonight.
Well, just one last thing to do
before I can close the casket
on this fucking week.
-And a uno, and a dos, and a three!
-[grunts]
See you in hell, baby killer!
How's this for displaying emotion,
you fucking bitch?
[both laughing]
The nerve of that woman.
"If you only had one hug as a kid."
What does she know?
Nobody ever touched her.
[laughs]
You know
I guess you never did hug me.
Oh, sure I did.
Had to be at least once. Right?
I don't think so.
I would definitely remember it.
[chuckles] Well, then,
better late than never. Come here, son.
Let me fix all your problems.
I can't wait till I'm totally cured!
And we'll end the gas crisis
while we're at it.
[both laugh]
[chuckles]
-[horn honks]
-Get a room, you pole-smokers!
It's a family hug, you sick fuck!
[breaks squeal]
[both] Oh, shit.
[panting]
[Frank] The car's unlocked!
The car's unlocked!
[panting]
[whimpers]
It was just a hug, Sue,
but it meant so much.
I figured it out.
All this time, my rage,
my blowing up at you and the kids,
it was about my dad.
As much as I hated him
deep down inside
I guess I just needed an "attaboy."
-I've been telling you that for six weeks.
-Yeah, but now I get it.
It's all over, Sue.
I don't have issues anymore.
If you say so.
One hug, and 40 years of resentment
is fixed for good?
This won't last.
It's gonna blow up again,
and it'll be all on me
to pick up the pieces.
[sighs] I'm sorry to burden you with this,
but you're the only one I can talk to.
What do I do
with a screwed-up husband like this?
I might not be the best person
to answer that question.
With two equal shafts ♪
And a mast as tall as a steeple ♪
A catamaran is a pleasure craft ♪
For two to 16 people ♪
Catamaran, set sail across the ocean ♪
Catamaran
Don't forget your suntan lotion ♪
[whirring]
[gunshot]