Family Ties (1982) s03e13 Episode Script

## I'll bet We've been together ## ## For a million years ## ## And I'll bet We'll be together ## ## For a million more ## ## Ooh, it's like I started breathin' ## ## On the night we kissed ## ## And I can't remember What I ever did before ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## And there ain't No nothin' ## ## We can't love Each other through ## ## Ooh-hoo ## ## What would we do, baby ## ## Without us? ## ## Sha-la-la-la ## Okay.
Uh, Jennifer, you had the cheese omelet.
Mallory, yours is eggs Benedict.
Um, thanks.
And, Steven, you're soft-boiled.
Thank you.
Um, Karen, these all look the same.
They're all scrambled.
Yeah, well, that's only the way I know how to make eggs.
I just thought it would be more exciting if I called them by different names.
Yeah, that was exciting.
Morning, morning.
Mallory, get off the phone.
I'm not on the phone.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry, it was just reflex.
Will you get off the pho? I can't stop doing that.
What's your obsession with the phone this morning? I'm waiting for an important phone call from Susie Farkas.
You see, uh, yesterday I invited her to the big Alpha Phi Epsilon dance, So will you get off the phone? I can't stop doing that.
Alex, you're not in a fraternity.
Why are you going to the dance? Because they invited me, Jen, along with a few other select freshmen, so they can evaluate us an decide if they like us.
I don't see what you're so excited about, Alex.
I heard the Alpha guys are just a bunch of rich, snobby kids.
All they care about is status, success and money.
That's exactly why I'm excited.
Alex, can I make you some breakfast? Karen, I'm sorry.
I I was so caught up in myself this morning that I didn't even notice how great you look today.
Oh, thank you.
Did I, uh, mention how great you looked yesterday? All day.
Good.
I- in case I don't see you tomorrow Alex, I hate to cut you off in mid-drool, uh but I've got to go to work.
You want a lift to school, we're gonna have to leave right now.
Oh, yeah, Dad, just another minute, okay? Susie said she'd call me by 8, and it's almost 8 now.
What makes you think Susie can tell time? Mmm.
There she is, there she is.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Susie.
No, no, no.
No, it's 8:00 now.
No, you see, the big hand is at the 12.
Never mind.
Never mind.
I'll explain it to you on Saturday, okay? You, uh You can make it on Saturday? Great.
Good.
Okay No, uh, I'll see you then.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
All right, okay.
When the guys at Alpha house see her as my date, I'm as good as in.
Is that how they judge you, by how good your date looks? Actually, Dad, the way I see it, it's just one factor among many.
You know, they're also interested in, uh, how I dress and what kind of car I drive.
Oh, that's a different story.
Hey, hi.
How you doing? Hi.
I'm Petey Gordon.
Are you Don Caruthers and Craig Duvall? No, I'm, uh I'm not them.
I'm Alex Keaton.
Hi.
I'm Petey Gordon.
Hi.
I'm supposed to come by and see Don Caruthers and Craig Duvall 'cause I'm pledging the frat.
That's what this letter said, to come by and see them today for a very important meeting.
Yeah, I, uh I got the same letter.
You couldn't have.
Mine says, "Dear Petey " I'm really nervous about this.
I mean, they have to take me.
My dad was in this frat, so I'm in for sure.
So why are you so nervous? Well, I'm always nervous.
I mean, what if my dad wasn't really in this fraternity, but he lied to me? That's a good point.
Hello, guys.
Hi.
You must be, uh, Petey Gordon and Alex Keaton.
You have to take me, you have to take me.
My dad was in this frat, so you have to take me.
Petey, look, while we interview Alex here, why don't you just wait over here in the chapter room and watch the big TV? Oh, that is a big TV.
I don't think I can watch the whole thing, but I'll give it a shot.
Sit down, Alex.
Sit down.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
I'm sure you're aware of the importance of this interview.
Oh, I sure am, Craig.
So how much do you know about Alpha Phi Epsilon? Uh, well, not much.
Uh, I know that it was founded in, uh, 1911, that its, uh, mascot is a wolf in sheep's clothing.
And, uh, its motto is "Image is everything.
" That's very good.
Why don't you tell us a little about yourself.
Uh, family roots, that sort of thing.
Oh, uh Uh, well, we, uh We Keatons, uh, go way, way back.
To theMayflower? No, actually, before theMayflower.
Before theMayflower? Uh, yeah.
Uh, you see, our ancestors came over about a About a month before theMayflower on theAprilflower.
You see, uh, they, uh They came over and And checked it out and saw that everything was okay and said, uh, "Send over theMayflower.
" Alex what does your father do for a living? Well, he Uh, well, uh, I'm not at liberty to discuss my father's occupation.
Uh, suffice to say that it's, uh, very impressive.
In fact, I'm thinking of it right now, and I'm very impressed.
Ooh Well, Alex, look, as you probably already know, there are only a few spots open in this year's pledge class.
Well, I just want to be one of those spots.
Unfortunately, we've had a flood of legacies.
Yes, uh, too many.
Well, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Of course not.
Come in.
Come in, Dean McCall.
Dean McCall, this is Alex Keaton, one of our new prospective pledges.
Alex, I'm sure you know the dean is also an Alpha man.
Oh, I had no idea you were, uh, an Alphite Yeah, an Alphist? An Alfalfa.
Well, I'm very proud to be one.
How do you turn this thing on? Well, I'm really looking forward to the big rush dance tomorrow night.
I always like to see if the new pledges are up to snuff.
Well, don't worry about Keaton here, sir.
He's one of our most promising prospects.
Yes, I can see that.
Any word on what his date looks like? Oh, she's beautiful, sir.
I mean, she's really, uh civilized.
I hope not too civilized.
She's an animal, sir.
G Ah.
Girls, are you sure you know how to cut hair? Absolutely, Dad.
Now just relax.
Yeah, you'll look great with a Mohawk.
Huh? Just kidding, Dad.
Hey, what's going on? Oh, Karen taught us how to do hairstyling, and Dad volunteered to be our first victim.
I mean customer.
Just kidding, Dad.
Yeah, just kidding.
Alex, do you want to be next? No, thanks.
I already gave blood this week.
Anyway, I got to pick out a suit for the big fraternity dance.
Ah, just relax, Alex.
The dance isn't until tomorrow night.
Hey, Mallory, this is important.
You know, the only thing standing between me and that fraternity is Is the right suit and the quality of my date.
Hello.
Hey, Susie.
How's your diet coming? She's down to 107 pounds.
When she gets to 100, sell.
What? Your leg? Uh are you sure it's broken? B- because a lot of times on those x-rays it can look broken but be perfectly all right.
No, no, no.
No, never mind.
Okay, bye.
Oh, no.
Susie Farkas broke her ankle ice-skating.
Compound fracture.
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
I hope she sends you a card.
Whoops.
Sorry.
Sorry? Oh, my No! No, Dad! We're not done! We haven't finished.
We haven't finished the top.
The top! I told you not to cut the top! Hi, Alex.
What's wrong? My date broke her ankle ice-skating and had to cancel out on me for tomorrow night.
I told her to stay indoors until the dance.
Well, aren't there any other girls you could ask? A nice-looking boy like you should be able to get a date.
Well, heh, of course I can get a date.
But I I need more than a date.
I- I need somebody beautiful sensuous intelligent.
At least Susie was two out of three.
Gee, Alex, I'm sorry.
I wish I could help.
And I And I went and bragged to all the guys about her.
You know, the worst part is I- I bragged to Dean McCall.
You know, I'm never gonna be able to look that man in the eye again.
Well, you just tell the truth, Alex.
I got a better idea.
Why don't you come with me? You know, pretend to be my date.
Your date? Yeah, yeah, it'll be Be a piece of cake.
We go in, a couple of cha-chas, a rumba, a bunny hop, and we're out of there.
Alex, I don't think I'd be much help getting you into that fraternity.
Oh, Karen, I show up with you, they'll make me president.
No, it's just not a good idea, Alex.
I really can't.
Come on, we won't stay for long.
Alex, I don't want to go, all right? It'll be a great dance, okay? It'll be a lot of fun.
You know, a A real college crowd.
Hey, I understand.
No, look, if you can't make it, you can't make it.
No.
Thanks anyway, Grandma.
No dice? Nah.
Grandma claims she has a headache.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
The dance starts in an hour.
Hi, everybody.
How's it going? Skippy, are you ready for your haircut? Absolutely.
My hair can't wait.
You and the lovely Mallory are gonna transform me into something wonderful.
Skippy, it's only a haircut, it's not a magic trick.
Skippy, why are you gonna let them cut your hair? Why not? I heard what a great job they did on your dad.
That's a nice hat, Mr.
Keaton.
Th Oh, uh, thanks.
But I'm only wearing it because, uh, Mallory and Jennifer Love to see you in hats.
Yeah, you look great.
Yeah.
Let's go, Skippy.
I can't wait.
You know I wish your dad didn't love baseball so much, so I could see his haircut.
So, uh, any luck getting a date? No.
No, Dad, I'm without a date on what might be the most important night of my freshman year.
Grandma use the old headache excuse? Yeah.
Did you try Aunt Molly? It's her bowling night.
Look, Alex, I'm sorry you don't have a date.
I know it's disappointing, but try to make the best of it.
Go and have a good time anyway.
Thanks, Dad.
You know, Alex, if it makes you feel any better, there is not a guy in the world who hasn't found himself without a date on a very important night.
Happen to you? Uh, no.
Never.
Alex Alex, I just wanted to tell you before you go that I really wish I could go with you, but I can't.
And there's a very good reason, but it's a personal reason which I don't want to tell you.
But I'd tell you if I could, and I'd go with you if I could, but I can't, and that's the reason.
What's the reason? The reason is that I can't tell you the reason.
Look, Karen, I understand.
I mean, you'd feel uncomfortable because you're older than I am.
But I'm just asking you to do this for me as a favor.
I mean, without you, I have no chance of getting into the fraternity.
I mean, it's It's very important to me.
Please.
Alex, I can't.
All right.
Okay, that's fine.
I just don't see what the big deal is.
I mean, it's one or two hours.
All right.
Never mind.
Hi, brothers.
When do I get to move in? Not so fast, Petey.
They have to take me.
They have to.
I'm a legacy.
You know, Petey, every new pledge has to be able to fit in the dumbwaiter.
Uh, have you tried that yet? Yes, I have.
Perfect fit.
You have to take me.
Hey, Alex.
Uh, hi, guys.
Hey there.
Great to see you.
That's a nice-looking suit.
You're off to a good start.
Thanks.
Listen, I, uh So, uh, where's this girl you were telling us about, this beautiful date of yours? Well, uh she's not, uh Not here right now.
Oh? No, look, guys, you see, things didn't turn out quite the way What are you saying, Keaton? Uh, well, see, there was a little Little problem t- that I-I didn't expect, and she, uh didn't know Karen.
Hi, Alex.
I'm sorry I'm late.
My plane was delayed.
That happens.
That happens.
Those planes can only go so fast.
The, uh The important thing is you're here, Karen.
You're You're here.
Thank God, you're here.
So, um, this is your date? Yes.
I'm Karen Nicholson.
Hi.
Yeah, this is, uh, Don Caruthers and, uh, Craig Duvall.
I must say, Keaton, you were rather modest the other day, considering.
Yeah, well, Craig, I, uh, hate to toot my own horn, but, uh beep-beep.
Guys, will you excuse us for a moment? Yeah, pardon us just for a moment, please.
Karen, this is working out great! Oh, Alex, no, it's not.
Oh! How come you're here? I mean, I thought you said you couldn't come.
Well, I I thought it over, I knew how much it meant to you.
Oh, Karen, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh, Alex! Alex, it's okay.
You don't have to thank me.
Can we go now? Well, what are you talking about? Karen, you just got here.
Yeah, I know, but I feel really uncomfortable here.
Well, all All right.
Just a few more minutes, okay? Okay.
There's, uh There's someone that I want you to meet, okay? Oh, Alex, no.
Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me, dean? I'd like you to meet my date.
Oh, hello, Alex.
This is Karen.
Kar Kar Good guess.
That's right, Karen.
Karen Nicholson.
Karen, this is Hello, Ian.
Ian.
Dean You've met.
Yes.
Yes, we have.
Well, it's a small world.
Uh, may I speak with you privately, Karen? No, Ian, let's just forget we saw each other tonight.
Let's pretend this never happened, okay? Please? Alex.
Uh, Karen, uh, we have some things to talk about.
No, Ian, wedidhave some things to talk about, but as I recall, the last words you spoke to me three months ago were "I'll call you tomorrow.
" It's a very tiny, tiny world.
Let's go.
Uh, Karen can we, uh, uh, talk about this somewhere else? No, Ian, I'd rather not talk about it at all, all right? Uh, Karen! What?! Uh Karen, uh, I know this, uh, may be hard to believe, after all that's happened, but, uh I still love you.
Karen! You see, they've met.
Karen, heh, what did I do that was so terrible? You lied to me.
You were never honest with me.
I never wanna see you again.
Uh, Karen I have a birthday coming up.
I'd like to spend it with you.
All I can tell you is it'll grow back.
Promise? I promise.
Oh, Mr.
Keaton, thank you.
Mm-hm.
I- I could never go through this alone.
Well Well, I'm I'm glad I could be here for you.
I wonder what Oh! Sorry.
Hi, Karen.
Uh, what are you doing here? Uh, Mr.
Keaton, have you got a minute? Uh, I'm sorry to bother you so late.
Uh no bother.
Uh You, uh You could have dressed more casually.
Uh, Mr.
Keaton, this is very difficult for me to say.
I'm having trouble coming up with the exact words, so I-I hope you'll forgive me if I kind of stammer and beat around the bush.
Uh, no No problem.
Take your time.
I quit.
Quit? Mr.
Keaton, I know you've been wondering why a person like me applied for a housekeeping job in the first place.
Well, it has crossed my mind.
You see, I'm from a rich family, and we always had servants to take care of us and clean up.
I never learned how to do anything like that.
That's why I'm such a terrible cook.
So you became a A housekeeper to learn to do those things.
No, no.
There's more.
You see, I never had to do anything for myself, and so, in some ways, I never really grew up.
After I got out of college, I had no interest in a In a career of any kind.
I was bored.
So, uh, you became a housekeeper.
No.
There's still more.
You see, I felt like I needed to cling on to somebody or something, so I met this man, an older man, recently separated from his wife, and we fell in love.
Are we up to the hou Housekeeping part yet? No.
Anyway, my parents didn't approve of him, but I didn't really mind because this man had asked me to marry him.
Except he didn't.
And I found out I wasn't the only girl he was dating and then he went back to his wife.
So, all of a sudden, I found myself very alone and very scared.
I see.
So, uh, you became a housekeeper to earn a living.
No.
No.
I lived off my trust fund for a year, but then it ran out, so then Then what? Then I became your housekeeper.
But not just for the money.
Also for the companionship.
See, I was hoping I'd find a really nice family that I could become close to since I was never really close to my own, and I did.
Thank you.
Dad, uh can you excuse us for a minute? No, Alex, it's all right.
Your father knows everything.
Karen, I'm sorry.
I mean, I I feel terrible.
I- I was so caught up in my In my own problems that I didn't pay any attention to your feelings.
You said you didn't want to go.
I should have respected that.
Go? Go where? You know, it's ironic.
One of the main reasons I came to work here was to avoid seeing him, and then tonight I had to see him.
Um, see who? Dean McCall and And the rest of those guys are jerks.
Dad, what would you have done in this situation? Uh, what situation is that? What's going on? It's very complicated.
I was just explaining why I'm quitting.
You're quitting? I knew that.
Do you have to quit, Karen? Yeah, I do.
For the first time tonight, I really felt in control of my life.
It's It's time for me to move on now.
Well, I'm really gonna miss you, Karen.
Yeah, so am I.
We were gonna cut your hair next.
You're leaving at just the right time, Karen.
I want to thank you for, uh For helping me out tonight.
I'm just sorry for what happened.
Hey, hey, hey, forget about it.
Man, I don't belong in that fraternity any more than, uh Than you belong in this kitchen.
You're right, but I'm here and I'm kinda hungry.
Would you like me to boil some waffles to go with the ice cream? No!