Family Ties (1982) s06e17 Episode Script

First batch is done.
Oh, boy, these look great! This is the best batch of Christmas cookies to come out of the Keaton kitchen.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What's this one? Well, where did that come from? Alex made me do it.
I think Alex gets a little too caught up in the Christmas spirit, don't you? Well, I don't know about him, but I sure do.
Smell of cookies and hot cider and warm dollar signs.
And Christmas carols! Hey.
Uh I like the ha-ha-ha part.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
The traditional end of fun has arrived.
No, no, I mean, I love Christmas as much as the next guy.
I just don't know how you can celebrate joyously when holiday retail sales are down by four percent.
Alex, you got your annual card from the Reagans.
"Dear Alex, how are we doing?" A card? That's it? I sent them jams and jellies.
I got a Christmas card the other day from the Psychology Club of America.
It said, "Have a well-adjusted Christmas, and a normal New Year.
" Oh, listen, I'm gonna go over to Mr.
Krewson's and place our order for a Christmas tree.
Anybody want to come? Oh, Steven, I thought we agreed to go somewhere else for our tree this year.
- Why? - Because, Dad, Mr.
Krewson's trees are terrible.
They look like hat racks.
Look, Mr.
Krewson is one of the last remaining independent Christmas tree distributors in Ohio.
It's our duty to keep guys like him in business.
Yeah, I like Krewson's.
Is-Isn't he the guy with the shack and those scrawny little dried-out dwarf trees? Well right, right.
I always wondered who bought trees there.
Now you know.
Look, I talked to Krewson, he said he'd get us a great tree this year.
I want to give him a chance to come through.
Now, who's coming with me? I'll go, Dad.
I would like to see trees that I'm taller than.
Yeah, I'll go with you too, Mr.
Keaton.
Well, that's very nice of you, Nick.
Right in the tradition of brotherhood and good will towards men.
Well, you know, I figured it was the least I could do, I mean, since I'm spending Christmas with you.
Yeah! What? - Happy, happy, everybody! - Hey, Skip.
Alex, I need a Christmas favor from you.
You know how I usually play Santa Claus down at the mall? - Uh-huh.
- Well, I got to get out of it.
Why, you going out of town this year? No, I'm going to be the Abominable Snowman over at the Pearl Ridge Shopping Center.
It pays less, but it's a real career move for me.
It helps round out my resume, and it gives me that in for that big Easter Bunny job I've been looking for.
You want Alex to play Santa Claus? He'll traumatize an entire generation of young children.
Hey, don't worry about it.
I got better things to do than say "Ho, ho, ho!" To a bunch of spoiled, greedy little kids.
Pays $10 an hour.
Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho.
Okay, now, we're forgetting about the finger paints.
We're forgetting about the Lego set.
Instead Santa is gonna bring you Now, Santa invests heavily in this, and, uh ho, ho, ho! Santa has done very well.
Thank you, Santa.
Well, you're welcome, honey.
There you go.
Merry Christmas.
Bush in '88.
Okay, who's next? How are you this Christmas? I'm not talking to any elf.
I want the big guy.
Now, Eddie be nice.
I'm always nice! Hey, Kringle, let's get this show on the road.
Okay, Eddie.
Come here.
There you go.
Okay, just sit right here and tell me what you want for Christmas.
Okay, Santa, here we go.
I want Whoa, whoa, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it Uh Okay, shoot.
Okay, Santa, I want a fire truck, a baseball mitt, a train set, a robot, a bicycle, a record player no, make that a CD a personal computer, a basketball, an apartment in Manhattan Hey, wait a minute! I'm not done yet! Listen, kid, you don't need a Santa Claus, you need a business manager.
Okay, Merry Christmas and good luck in the fiscal new year.
I found that entire exchange heartwarming.
Excuse me, Santa, are you still open? Ho, ho, ho! I hope your daughter's interested in the commodities market.
Come on, honey, Santa wants to talk to you.
Hi, honey.
What's your name? Michelle Davies.
Okay, well, what do you want for Christmas? - Nothing.
- Oh, come on, honey.
You can tell Santa what you want.
But, Mommy, I told you I don't believe in Santa Claus.
What?! What?! You don't believe in Santa Claus? Come here, come here.
Let me tell you something, Michelle.
I am definitely Santa Claus.
If you're Santa Claus, why are there so many Santa Clauses at other malls? Well, uh, that's that's because, uh well, you see Elves, help me out on this.
Well, you well, you see, Santa is very busy Yeah, exactly! Exactly.
Exactly.
So, uh, uh, uh, I have some of my elves, uh, dress up like me to, uh, pick up the slack.
It's-It's the same way that President Reagan can't be everywhere, so, uh, so he sends his assistants in his place.
I don't believe in him, either.
Come on, honey, you can tell Santa.
- What do you want for Christmas? - My daddy.
I want my daddy home for Christmas.
Sweetheart, you know daddy can't come home this year for Christmas.
Can you get me my daddy home for Christmas? Um Uh, look, uh, Michelle I'm-I'm sorry, but there are some things that even Santa Claus can't do.
You're not Santa Claus.
Can we go now, Mommy? Yeah.
You want to take a look at this pretty tree first, huh? Look, look, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm, uh uh, usually the kids love me.
No, that's okay, it's not your fault.
You're not the first Santa she's done this to.
Oh.
Oh, what is it? It's the beard, right? The-the the suit? My "Ho, ho, ho's" getting on her nerves? I know they're getting on mine.
Um, no, you see, Michelle's dad has to travel for business, and, uh, this year hasn't been so great.
So he's had to take whatever he could get.
Unfortunately, that means he has to be away for Christmas this year.
That's too bad.
Well, um thanks, anyway, for trying.
Hey, hon, you ready? I don't know.
That was heartbreaking.
The way she looked at me and said, "You're not Santa.
" Alex, you're not Santa.
You don't have to rub my nose in it.
- Sorry.
- You're not an elf, either, you know.
I know.
Look, the point is I mean, I got the suit, I've got the beard, I mean, I-I-I-I look like Santa.
I feel like it's my responsibility to do something.
Well, why don't you get on a sleigh and go to the North Pole? Well, you know, Alex, it's really great that you have such noble impulses.
It'd be nice to see it more than once a year.
Please, Jennifer, let's take all we can get.
I don't know what you're making such a big deal about, Elyse! A tree is a tree.
Steven, a tree that fits in your pocket is not a tree.
I don't think it's so bad.
I can imagine the cry of "Timber" when that baby came down.
Look, I know it's not perfect.
Not perfect? Dad, this is the first Christmas in history where the tree can go under the presents.
Dad, can't you go to a regular Christmas tree lot this year, just this once? Oh, sure! Let's just patronize one of those faceless, impersonal, conformist lots.
- Yeah.
- Where all the trees - are tall and healthy.
- Yeah.
I suppose you'd like one green and leafy, too.
Oh, yes! We're ready to hang our stockings.
Oh, great! Let's go.
- Hey, buddy.
- Here's mine.
Hey, baby.
While you guys were out, we made milk and cookies for Santa.
Terrific.
Where are they? In the stocking.
What about yours, Alex? Oh, I don't know, Mom.
I, uh I don't feel much like it this year.
Come on, Alex, it wouldn't be Christmas without your stocking.
All right.
All right.
There we go.
How was your first day at the mall? Will Christmas still be celebrated this year? Yeah, it was fine.
It was it was fine.
It was just this, um, this little girl.
Michelle.
Yeah.
She's really cute, but really sad.
Oh, what's the problem with this little girl? Well, her father works, and can't be home for Christmas.
She's seven years old and she doesn't even believe in Santa Claus.
It just seemed so wrong to see someone unhappy at the mall.
I feel completely helpless and I wish there was something I could do.
Hiya.
Ho, ho, ho, ho! Oh, great, a Method Santa.
How's Mrs.
Claus? Thank you for asking.
Ho, ho, ho! Well, she has a few sniffles, but then, she's at home and the elves are taking good care of her.
Let's try and keep our sled in the real world here, pal, all right? Actually, I don't use a sled.
I use a sleigh.
And, uh, something else I would never use buttons like that.
And that belt completely wrong.
Where's your beard? It's in my locker.
- Where'd you get yours, a garage sale? - Ow! - Ooh! - Whoa! Hey.
How come you got a good beard? Where do you work, lawn furniture? No, I-I'm based up at the North Pole.
I-I'm down here to do a little survey to see what the children would like.
Beam me up, Scotty.
Well! That briefcase is holding up rather well, isn't it? - What? - The briefcase.
Uh, that was the Christmas of '73.
Yeah, yeah, it's holding up f - H-How do you know that? - I remember that year quite well.
Let's see, you asked for that briefcase, a pocket calculator, and a pardon for Richard Nixon.
You're good.
That is good! Alex, uh, I know that up to this point, our relationship has been mostly financial.
But this year you've changed.
Michelle has really touched you.
And that's why I'm here.
I'm on Candid Camera, right? I am.
I am.
Come on, where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Come on.
Come Hey, Allen Funt! I'm on to you! Come on, buddy! - Wh-Where It's in the pads, right? - Oh, ho, ho! Don't do that.
It tickles, Alex! Ho, ho! And you know it's like a bowl of jelly ho, ho, ho! Wait a minute.
Okay.
Look, this has got to stop, all right? Uh, what are you what are you trying to tell me, that you are Santa Claus? I'm-I'm really very happy that you decided to play me this year.
I-I know that you're a little depressed because you haven't been able to help Michelle.
But you're doing the right thing.
Don't underestimate the power of Christmas.
It can work miracles.
Look, I-I I don't know what to do.
I mean, I-I don't know how to help Michelle.
Trust your heart, Alex.
My heart.
I haven't used it in so long.
I wouldn't say that.
You're using it right now.
Just keep at it.
And don't forget good thoughts and good deeds don't go unrewarded.
Alex, uh I really would like to help.
But I don't see any chance of bringing you that Porsche this year.
But I've been so good! Santa! Santa, where you been? All the kids are waiting.
I just met the most incredible guy.
- What? - I ju I just I just met Santa Claus.
Boy, Alex, this-this trying to show good will towards men has put you under quite a strain, hasn't it? Maybe you want to lie down, Alex.
- Jennifer and I can take care of this.
- No, no, no.
No, I can't lie down.
I can't lie down.
I'm too excited.
Do you realize that it is Christmas? No, we're dressed like this all the time.
Hey! Let's go, pal.
Let's get a move on.
Easter's almost here! Come here, Eddie.
Don't lay a hand on me.
Jacoby & Meyers is right across the mall.
Eddie, come here.
Sit down.
Eddie what does Christmas mean to you? It means getting presents! All right.
Okay.
What if you had all the presents in the world and nobody to share them with? That would be great! I mean I mean, if your mom wasn't there t-to watch you open those presents and you didn't have any friends to show those presents to, and people weren't around caroling and spreading good cheer, would you really enjoy those presents? I guess I wouldn't be so happy without all those people.
That's right.
That's right.
'Cause the important thing about Christmas isn't the presents, Eddie.
It's being with the people that you love.
Thanks, Santa.
Mom, let's find another Santa.
This guy's bringing me down.
Alex.
Alex, that that was very sensitive, Alex.
Are you feeling feverish? I I don't know.
I don't know, I just I feel very Christmasy.
I j I feel like - Shh.
- I-I can't help it.
I just I don't know what it is.
I can't stop singing! Michelle! Michelle! Hi.
Hi, remember me? With that suit, it's hard to forget.
Listen, Michelle, I've got to own up.
I'm-I'm not Santa Claus.
I'm-I'm Alex Keaton.
But I want you to know that there is a Santa Claus.
And-and he really cares about you.
Um, Michelle, you didn't get a candy cane last time you were here.
Why don't you come over here and pick one out? Come on.
- That's a good idea, huh? - Listen, um, I, uh I hope I'm not out of line here, but, um I've I-I've been really concerned about your daughter.
I don't hey, I don't know, it comes with the suit but, um, I was just wondering, have you heard anything from your husband? Uh, yeah, I talked to him yesterday, and he's, uh, definitely not gonna be able to make it home for Christmas tomorrow.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
But, um if-if you and Michelle aren't doing anything tonight, I was wondering if you'd like to come over to our house.
I mean, our family usually has a a party every Christmas Eve, and I know they'd love to meet you.
And I I have a feeling that this is gonna be a very special Christmas.
Hey So! Another carol, anyone? Sure.
We should sing a hymn to this beautiful tree Mr.
Krewson brought us.
I can't believe it.
All right, come on, let's look on the bright side.
Which is? Nick? Well, uh, it's Christmas with kind of a Wild West theme, huh? Yeah.
Well, I think it's appropriate.
I-I mean, you probably don't get much rain in here.
Look I spoke to Mr.
Krewson.
He promised we'd have a great tree here by tonight.
I trust him.
You're right.
Y It's-it's Christmas.
The tree isn't important, it What is, is that we're all together for the holiday.
We can have a great Christmas with the worst tree in the world! We've done it for the last three years.
Excuse me.
Oh, hi, Skippy.
How'd you know it was me? Most Abominable Snowmen wear contact lenses.
Don't be scared, Andy.
It's just me, Skippy.
Thanks.
I was terrified.
It's almost time for bed, honey.
I want to stay up and wait for Santa Claus.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
I-I'll wait up with you, Andy.
You know, every year, I try to wait up for him, and, uh, every year I fall asleep.
You know, I have the same problem.
What do you say we put on a pot of black coffee? All right.
There they go, the three wise men.
Hey folks? Uh, I'd like you to meet some friends of mine.
Um, this is Beth and Michelle Davies.
- Hi.
How are you? - Nice to meet you.
What's with the cactus? Michelle, that's not polite.
What is with the cactus? - Hi.
- Hi.
Want to hang your stocking up? I don't have one.
You can use mine.
It already has milk and cookies in it.
Please, have a seat.
Yes, make yourself at home.
I'll just Excuse me.
Hey, Mr.
Krewson! - Oh, Mr.
Keaton! - Hi.
- Merry Christ Merry Christmas! - ELYSE: Hi.
I've been thinking about your little, uh, tree problem here, and, uh, well I have a surprise for you! Yeah! Oh, Mr.
Krewson! It's beautiful! Love this tree! Oh, it's beautiful! Beautiful tree, Mister Oh, this is such a beautiful tree.
Now it feels like Christmas now.
And to complete the mood - Are you having a good time, Michelle? - Uh-huh.
Andy and I are getting married.
Listen, Michelle, thanks for coming to our party.
You helped make it a great Christmas.
Thanks, Alex.
I'll get it.
Hello.
May I help you? Yes, I'm looking for Alex P.
Keaton.
Alex, honey.
Yeah.
- Hi, I'm Alex.
- Hello.
My name is Ray Davies.
Daddy! Michelle! Ray? Wha - Wha Honey! I don't believe this.
What are you doing here? Uh, well, we met Alex, and Never mind that; what are you doing here? Well, I was in Fargo.
It was a horrible night.
I didn't make a single sale.
I was on my way back to the motel so I could give you guys a call.
When I got there, standing at my door was this great big barrel of a man with a white beard.
And the most amazing thing happened he said he wanted to buy absolutely everything I had to sell.
That's incredible, honey! I'm so proud of you! He handed me the money, and the only thing he asked me to do was deliver this package to Alex P.
Keaton.
Thanks.
This is the best Christmas present in the world.
- What do you make of this? - Oh, uh, uh, I don't know.
I'm still in shock from having a decent tree.
Who's that from, Alex? A friend.
A friend.
"Alex, if you're pure of heart, this should be as good as the real thing.
" Hey, it's him! - It's him! - It really is! It's Santa Claus! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.