Family Ties (1982) s07e22 Episode Script
169 - Wrap Around the Clock (1)
(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? Sha-la-la-la.
ELYSE: Freeze! Where do you think you're going? Uh, no place, Mom.
We're just, uh, trying to break in our coats.
But we were supposed to all be here tonight to share this.
Oh, no, not another Woodstock slide show where you guys spend the evening trying to spot yourselves among among a sea of long hair and beards.
STEVEN: (laughs) Jennifer, we once spotted a blonde speck in that crowd that was definitely your mother.
That's not what we're doing tonight.
What are we doing tonight? You're helping me make a time capsule for school.
Oh, that sounds neat what are you gonna put in it? I'm gonna put stuff about our family.
Can you put Alex in there? I could try.
So if you have any mementos that remind you of growing up, put them in there.
I, uh, I actually have the first dollar I ever earned.
Uh, and I'll sell it to you for 25 bucks.
You sure you can't put Alex in there? Maybe if we let some of the hot air out of him, he'll fit.
So what do you got in here so far, Andy? - I got my baby boots.
- Oh Yeah, you know, I've got mine bronzed which made it really tough to walk.
Look, our old color slides.
- Oh, no, the slides! - No slides.
I thought you kids loved my slide shows.
You used to sit there, staring at them, eyes wide open.
No, Dad, we learned to sleep that way.
I can't believe you guys can watch this.
You look ridiculous.
Half a million people trying to stop a senseless war.
You find that ridiculous? I'm talking about the outfits.
I'm dying, I'm dying.
Promise me you'll never show these when my friends are here.
Promise or I'm leaving home right now.
Mallory, that was history in the making.
There were people every state in the union at that protest.
What were you protesting good grooming? Mommy, you look so pretty.
Like an Indian princess.
That's your father, dear.
- There I am.
- STEVEN: There you go.
You look almost as pretty as Daddy.
Daddy, how long ago was that? That was very long ago.
In a galaxy far, far away.
All right, who wants to see - the Peace Corps slides? - (kids groan) You know, this is fun, and it's a great way to clean out my closet.
Do you have room for six pairs of Earth Shoes, a mood ring and a pet rock? Why were you guys always protesting stuff? Well, I think it was just the times.
There was a lot to be upset about, you know? War, the government.
Not being able to drag a comb through your hair.
Don't listen to your brother, Andy.
If he'd been older, he would've loved the '60s.
Mom, the only way I could've enjoyed the '60s would be if my headband had been too tight, I had lost consciousness and woke up in the '80s.
Wait a minute, Alex.
I seem to remember your getting involved in a protest or two.
ELYSE: That's right, Andy, and it was for a good cause, too The Equal Rights Amendment.
Alex? No, it was for a better cause than that.
It was for a girl.
Deep in our hearts We do believe We shall not be moved today.
- (women whooping) - All right! That's right.
Sing it! It's important.
Are you okay? No, not really.
Look, Deena, I cannot go on with this any longer.
I-I-I'm not really Alex, that was a very courageous thing you did, coming to Dorothy's defense like that.
Well, thanks, but, uh, listen, about this whole ERA business, this-this this button, this-this shirt it's not Is that a scratch on your ear? Yeah, but it's nothing.
Oh, those animals.
Alex, I don't think I've ever been as attracted to anybody as I am to you right now.
So, what is it you wanted to tell me? Don't remember.
I think it was a trivia question.
Isn't this romantic? The two of us in prison together.
Alex, I want to think you for coming to my defense.
I'm proud of you.
And I'm very impressed with your passion for the movement.
Well, uh, Dorothy, it was a privilege to come to your aid.
I mean, I-I regret I have but one ear to give to the cause.
Alex, when you talk like that, I can barely keep my hands off you.
But-but those are just idle words.
I mean, there is a job to be done here.
- Yes, there is.
- Right on! You know, and not only by us, but by women everywhere.
WOMAN: Yeah, tell 'em! How long must we wait? How long are we expected to accept these indignities? How long, Lord? (women whooping) You know, I feel the way President Kennedy must've felt that day at the Berlin wall, when he said, "Today I am a Berliner.
" Well, today in this cell, I say to you, "I am a woman.
" (women whooping) ELYSE: Alex definitely turns up in the most unlikely places.
"His mother put him to bed, and made some chamomile tea, and she gave a dose of it to Peter.
" See? Right there.
"One tablespoon full to be taken at bedtime.
"But Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail, "who are good little bunnies, had bread and milk and blackberries for supper.
" There, see? These are blackberries.
Read it again, Mommy.
Give it a break, Alex.
She read it three times.
ALEX: Hey, come on, Andy and I love to read together.
"And then Mr.
Reagan said "'Oh, look, Mommy, "It's Secretary of State It's Secretary of State George Shultz.
" Boy, Andrew, this I Love Republicans pop-up book was the best purchase I ever made.
Make Nancy wave again.
Hi.
What is this word right here? "Impeach.
" Isn't that sweet? It really is.
You know, sometimes I think we're too harsh on Alex.
He-he's not just a callous archconservative Republican.
You know, sometimes he can be a warm, loving son and brother.
BOTH: "I am not a crook.
" ALEX: The one thing you don't want to see, though, is a book in Mallory's hands.
"But I reckon I got to light out "for the territory ahead of the rest because Aunt Sally, "she's gonna adopt me and civilize me and I can't stand it I've been there before.
" Mal, is that you? What are you doing? I'm reading.
When did you learn how? When I found out that Cosmopolitan magazine was banned in certain places, I became enraged.
Then I saw Huckleberry Finn sitting on the coffee table, and I said to myself, "What better way to show Jennifer my support?" So I picked it up and I started reading and you know what? I love it.
I love reading I'm gonna teach Nick how to read.
STEVEN: Mallory did a great job of it.
"The little engine looked at the hill and said, 'I think I can.
"' (clears throat) "I think I can.
" "I think I can.
" This is getting pretty exciting, huh? I wonder what happens next? He gets up the hill, Nick.
I got a few things from my own personal collection.
Alex, that's way too big.
What's in there, your ego? Andy, I'm gonna give you my favorite baby toy.
She knew how to feather her hair before she even had any.
And this is the English textbook that I used to help Nick get his high school equivalency diploma.
(laughs) Yeah, yeah, you, uh, you were a lot of help.
What is a verb? What does it do in a sentence? Uh, it just kind of sits there, trying not to bother the other words.
Come on, Nick.
A verb is a word that does something active in a sentence, like walk or run or eat.
Yeah, but, um, eating's not active.
Unless you eat and run.
Well, you don't have to be moving to be active.
You just have to be doing something.
Well what about if you're dead? I mean, you can't be active when you're dead, unless you're a ghost or a vampire.
Well, you can use verbs for ghosts and vampires.
Uh, just not for ordinary dead people, huh? I'm gonna have to look that up, I think they have special verbs for them.
You know, this is without a doubt, the most inane and absurd conversation I've ever heard.
Alex, what are you doing here? What am I do well, I'm not "doing" anything, so I guess I'll need one of those special verbs.
Like you use for dead people.
(stifled laughter) Did Nick graduate? Yes, Andy, Nick did graduate (mumbles) What was that, honey? With Alex's help.
That's right.
And it was no easy feat either, pal.
Oh, come on, Alex, don't underestimate your sister.
She's helped quite a few people.
Remember when she was our little, uh, Ann Landers? I better get started.
Look at all these letters I have already.
- Oh - Oh, hey.
You can't actually look, Dad.
They're confidential.
Oh, let me look.
Well, I guess you're family and all, so "Dear Mallory, I need your advice.
"My partner doesn't satisfy me sexually, and I was wondering" Oh, Dad! My advice is that you don't read that.
Very wise, Dear Mallory.
Alex, Alex, guess what.
I'm Dear Mallory.
Yeah, and I'm adorable Alex.
Ha-ha.
No, you don't understand.
I'm taking over the personal advice column for the Columbus Shopper's Guide.
The column is called "Dear Mallory.
" No, wait, wait, wait Columbus Shopper's Guide.
Isn't that that freebie giveaway thing they have at the checkout counter at the supermarkets, the one with all the coupons in it? That's right.
What are you so excited about, Mal? You're gonna, you're gonna be giving advice to-to lowlife bargain hunters who can't afford to buy a real paper.
But, Alex, they're not lowlife bargain hunters.
They're people, real people coming to me for advice.
Mallory, if these people are willing to shell out a quarter, they could turn to Dear Abby.
I can help him.
That was a great job.
People came to me for help, and I didn't help them one bit, but I had fun.
I guess that's all that counts.
Oh, come on, Dad, you-you've messed up on helping people plenty of times.
Like who? Like me, whenever you helped me with my homework.
I remember a certain philosophy paper that I was doing (Steven groans) I don't know, Dad, I have to disagree with you.
Kierkegaard felt that all knowledge must be self-knowledge.
I think you're wrong, Jen.
He was also concerned with the larger societal problems.
Dad, you're missing the point completely.
Oh, am I? Kierkegaard believed that examining man's existence within a larger framework of a societal, historical dialectic was the avoidance of subjective knowledge so essential to comprehending any type of spiritual truth.
Jennifer, go to your room.
Jennifer, go to your room.
Now, come on, don't be so hard on your dad.
He's done a lot around here.
Remember when he re-wallpapered the kitchen? All by himself, too.
Elyse, Mal, Jennifer, Andrew, everybody! Could you come out for a minute?! There's something I'd like to show you! What, honey? Oh (hums fanfare) Oh, Steven, it's magnificent! I never really liked this wallpaper, but you made it work.
This is pretty nice, Mr.
K.
Maybe you can come over to my house and do my kitchen for me.
Well, I have to admit I'm really good with my hands.
(groans) Anyway, there's a certain satisfaction a man gets, a certain satisfaction a man gets from a job well done.
I think I should do more work around the house.
I don't think so, Dad.
Oh, that's that's that's fine no That's fine.
No problem.
I fully expected that to happen.
Whoa! Whoa! - Whoa! Hey, hey - Oh! Well, it was beautiful while it lasted.
Your father's obsessiveness is one of his most charming traits.
Well, thank you, dear, but I think I've seen you go off the deep end a few times.
Oh, you have? Yeah, come on, Mom, he's got you there.
Does the phrase "snake eyes" mean anything to you? All right, all right, all right, don't get into your pet names for each other.
You know, Andy, there was one time when your mother became a complete compulsive.
Mom, I bet you were the prettiest compulsive on the block.
Thank you, honey.
Your mother became a real riverboat gambler.
All she was missing was the riverboat.
You see, we-we all went to Atlantic City, where your mother was to deliver a lecture at a convention.
Instead, she fell in love with blackjack.
Who's he? It's a card game, honey.
Blackjack's a card game.
Like "Go Fish"? A little, but when was the last time someone made $2,000 playing "Go Fish"? Mom, I'm hungry.
Oh, can I get some ice cream? Oh, in a few minutes, honey.
Your dad and I are gonna play a couple hands of blackjack and then we'll go have a snack.
Hey, hey, Mom, Mom, look, what are you doing? Every second you delay means interest lost on the money we're gonna win.
Oh, there's Tom Jones! There's Tom Jones! He's coming this way! Here he comes! Good call, Mal.
It looked like him from a distance, Alex.
You want to give it a try? Well, we might as well get it over with.
You guys stay behind the rope here and don't get in any trouble.
I'm sorry, but only people over 21 in here.
Oh, I'll sit back here.
(chuckles) DEALER: Your last 21.
What do you think I should do, Elyse? Oh, don't ask me, Steven; I can only think about my speech.
- Stick.
- Hmm? Didn't you read the cards that Alex gave you? Since the deck is rich in tens, you've got to stick, figuring the dealer's four will bust him.
You heard her stick.
- Oh, whoo! - We won! Come on, let's cash in those chips.
Oh, come on, Elyse.
Why don't you just play one game? - Well, all right.
- Come on.
Guess it'd be silly to come all the way to Atlantic City and not play one hand of blackjack.
Hey, Mom, how's it going? Remember, if the dealer has a four, five or six showing, you want to stick on 12.
If he's got a three BOTH: Hit the 13, seven or above, hit the 17.
It's great to see a mother and son enjoying a common interest.
Okay, see, the dealer has a picture BOTH: hit.
Stick.
- Whoo! - Yay! We win! I got to get in on this.
Hi, how you doing? I'm Big Al from Vegas.
Vinny says hello.
Excuse me, son, didn't I tell you you weren't allowed in here? Who, Me? No, you've never seen me before.
I'm just here with my wife and my brother-in-law Nice try, kid.
See you later, hon.
Blackjack! Whoo! On that note, let's call it a day.
Come on, honey, let's hit the boardwalk.
Can it, Steven.
We're not going anywhere.
Hit me over here.
Stick.
Hit me over, but be gentle.
Ooh, soft 16.
Hit me again.
Ooh, stick.
Hit me over here on the end.
- Stick.
Thanks, Eddie.
- My pleasure, Elyse.
The lady wins on all three.
- (onlookers cheer and applaud) - Whoo! Way to go, Mom.
Hang in there.
How ya doing? Nice to see ya.
You have won quite a bit of money, Elyse.
Why don't we just cash in now? Oh, Steven, everything is under control, baby.
One more hour, and we are in fat city.
Okay, now, Eddie, I'm doubling my bets.
Be nice to me.
Mom, can I go backstage and hang around Tom Jones's dressing room? Sure, honey.
Say hi to Tom for me.
Mom, I'm really getting hungry.
Here's ten dollars.
Get yourself some ice cream.
Mom, I saw this girl in the lobby I think I have enough stuff.
Oh, don't be silly, Andy.
The night is young and Keaton memories have just begun.
You know what, Andy? I think it's time that I pass down to you one of my favorite collections.
Baseball cards? They're better than baseball cards: The Alex Keaton report cards.
Nursery school through college.
You can keep 'em, you can collect 'em, you can trade 'em with your friends.
Thanks, Alex.
I'll treasure 'em.
You really know how to give that something special, don't you, Alex? Why would you want to save your report cards? Because they're gems.
I mean, every year, all A's.
Unlike you, Mallory, who spiced up her academic life by getting a Q in math.
Mal, I think it's great your brother shows such an interest in academics.
After all, the first day of school is Alex's favorite day of the year.
Jen, I'm telling you, you're gonna do great in high school.
Yeah, Jen, what are you worried about? This is Harding High.
This is my alma mater.
I'm a legend there.
Let me see your schedule.
Little kids.
Okay, first period you got Mr.
Gibson for English.
No problem.
He loved me.
Wrote me a recommendation for college.
Second period, Mrs.
Hentoff for math.
She wrote me two recommendations for college.
Third period, Mr.
Kaufman for science.
He drove me to college.
Andy, Andy, let's get to work, buddy.
You got a lot of ground to cover here.
First day of kindergarten, you want to get off to a good start, right? - I'm ready, Alex.
- You know, the first thing your teacher's gonna ask is what you did over the summer.
Now, a lot of kids are gonna say, "I went to the zoo" or "I went to the beach," or "I went to a baseball game.
" What are you gonna say? I watched the Iran-Contra hearings.
And? President Reagan doesn't know anything.
Doesn't know anything about the scandal, okay? You don't want to be quoted out of context.
See, the great thing about Andy is, whenever I'm talking, the kid is mesmerized.
He expresses it in a funny way.
- Andy? - Hmm? Come on.
Time for bed, sweetie.
- I'll take him up, Mom.
- Come on, Andy.
I better stay to oversee the time capsule.
It's okay, Andy.
We'll work on it for you.
That's what I'm afraid of.
So now what? Oh, I don't know, maybe mm! this.
That's great, Merlin.
Or perhaps this.
Please, Dad, no magic tricks.
You know what happened the last time.
Okay, Alex, pick a card! Any card.
Oh, Jennifer, Jennifer, just the person I want to see.
Get in this box.
What is this, Daddy Dearest? Come on Steven, we're not gonna put our daughter in a magic box.
Well, okay, Elyse, then you-you help me.
Oh, Jen, get in.
That's all right.
When I next open this box, my daughter Jennifer will be gone.
Come one, come all from far and near, you have seen my daughter dear.
I will make her disappear.
(hums a fanfare) Well, that's-that's very good.
Now-Now bring her back.
Okay.
She's gone, she's gone, alack, alack, I will bring my daughter back.
(hums a fanfare) Okay, okay Jennifer? Jennifer, the trick worked.
You, uh, come out now.
(chuckles) It's nothing.
She's really gone.
Can you do that with Mallory? Wha-What's going on here? Where is Jennifer? I don't know.
ALEX: That was just the beginning.
Soon, Dad was completely out of control.
Poodle! Thanks! My very own poodle.
(Steven chuckles) What'll it be, Alex a mouse, peacock? Giraffe? - Dad? - Hmm? This has got to stop.
What do you mean? Dad Dad, you're a well-educated guy.
And-and-and most of the time, you're pretty normal, but Dad, you got to face it, you have a problem.
Alex, it's just a hobby.
No, no, Dad, Dad, Dad it's an obsession; it's a compulsion.
You have a compulsion for say it with me you have a compulsion for BOTH: birthday party tricks.
That's that's right, Dad.
And it's gotta stop.
The party is over.
You're right, Alex.
I need help.
Andy, what are you doing out of bed? I can't sleep.
The clothes on my chair look like a monster.
This, uh, this wouldn't by any chance be a ploy to get one of us to read you a bedtime story, would it? No, but the monster's requesting anything but Dr.
Seuss.
I'll, uh, I'll go.
I speak monster.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it.
- Hey! - Hi.
Things were going so well there for a moment.
Hey, Mal Mal, Mal, Mal, Mal uh, don't you remember? We had a date tonight.
I got two tickets for the postmodern art exhibition and pie-eating contest.
Sounds like quite a full evening.
I'm sorry, honey, I just got caught up in this Keaton family time capsule that Andy's making for school.
Oh, sounds like fun.
Can I play? Sure, Nick.
Get in.
And, uh, we'll let you out when Mallory comes to her senses.
Honey, honey, don't get in.
Okay, forget it I'll just make my own family time capsule.
I mean, that is if I did have a family.
Come on, Nick, what about your dad? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I sort of forgot about him.
I mean, we didn't get together until recently, and that was really weird.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey! Hey My God, Elyse, they're speaking Nickanese.
Look at you.
You look great! Yeah, you look great, too.
Yeah.
I don't see what the problem is.
They seem to agree on everything.
Hey-ey-ey - Hey.
- Hey.
I think they're summing up now.
Nick, no matter what happens, you'll always feel like part of this family.
Stop, Elyse, I'm going to have nightmares.
Do you remember when Nick almost became a member of our family? When was that? Oh, honey, don't you remember when we almost got married? Oh, yeah, yeah, that was beautiful.
We're gathered here today to join you, Erin, and you, Michael, in marriage, which is an honorable institution.
It is the foundation of the home as the home is the foundation of society.
Oh, sounds serious.
The desire to join together in love with another human being is both noble and courageous.
Nick, why are you getting married? Because you asked me.
No, I mean, if I hadn't asked you, would you be here? By myself? Would you have asked me? Ah I'm not sure.
You know, I'm not sure we're ready.
Then why did you say yes? You know, you're so much smarter about these things than me.
I mean, you know, I figured since you thought we were ready, we must be ready and I just didn't notice.
Nick, why doesn't it feel right? We love each other.
I don't know.
Feels like we're breaking the law.
Yeah, yeah, like our wedding picture's gonna go up on a post office wall.
Yeah, like you say, we're starting with a couple of strikes against us: I mean, your parents aren't here, our friends aren't here, this guy doesn't know "Lola" Maybe my parents are right.
Maybe we're going too fast.
Maybe we could slow down a little.
I mean, we don't have to get married if we don't want to.
No, nobody can force us.
Okay.
Oh, Nick, I love you.
Let's not get married.
Mallory, you and Nick are so romantic.
You know, I've often caught you guys looking into each other's eyes with long meaningful stares.
Oh, no, Jennifer, those are blinking contests.
Hey, Jen, if you're looking for romantic role models, don't go looking at He-Man and She-Ra over here.
And you happen to have the most romantic person in the world living right here under this roof.
Why, thank you, son.
No, Steven, he meant me.
I beg to differ, darling he meant me.
No, I'm the most romantic.
Don't make me bust your chops.
I was talking about me.
I mean, I, uh, I have something of a way about me.
You may not realize this, but women think of me as something of a Don Juan.
More like a Don Knotts.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Remember when I first started seeing Ellen? And I drove all night? I mean, I drove 400 miles just to see her, to tell her how I felt? Alex? Hey Ellen! What are you doing here? I, uh I, uh You forgot your Newsweek.
I-I-I figured you might want that, so I swung by here.
It was no big deal, really.
It was seven hours.
There's a good article on the omelet craze.
I read someone else's copy on the train.
I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear that.
Uh, Ellen, listen to be honest with you the magazine is not the only reason I came.
Why else? I don't know.
I, uh, I just had to come.
I mean, I was in-in in the car, on my way to the biggest night of my life, and something made me turn the car around.
I mean, I knew I missed the dinner and I'd be blowing any shot I had of returning this tux on time.
Something made me turn the car around.
Ellen, uh, you and I are completely different.
You're an artist.
You write poetry.
You attend anti-nuclear demonstrations.
Me I'm an economics major.
I, uh voted for Reagan.
I'm in the Young Executives Club.
I-I wear a jacket and tie everywhere I go.
Except for train stations at 3:00 in the morning, in which case, I wear a tuxedo.
Anyway, the point is, Ellen, that I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why I love you.
You love me? Yeah, I love you, okay? I-I-I said it.
I mean, after all, Ellen, if I'm gonna go this far, I might as well go all the way.
I love you, all right? I love you, I love you, I love you.
I'm crazy about you, I'd give anything to be with you, I can't live without you, okay? Gotta go.
See ya.
I love you, too, Alex.
I mean, it's like you have a way of seeing right through me.
I'm seeing a part of me that I-I don't ev I don't even like to admit exists.
And that scares me, because if you see it, that forces me What did you say? I love you, too.
You do? Alex, I've never met anybody like you.
You come on like some pompous, arrogant, obnoxious guy.
And underneath that, there's this wide-eyed child, completely innocent and naive.
Oh, is that sort of a compliment? Yeah.
And just telling Ellen that I loved her wasn't enough.
I started doing anything I could to impress her.
Are you ready, Mikhail? Da.
I'm ready.
What is it that you'll be interpreting for us? This, uh, particular piece is an interpretation of the Stock Market Crash of 1929.
What music will you be using to accompany yourself? Uh, just, uh, just play anything.
Th-this dance goes with everything.
Maestro.
(lively classical piano music plays) (music stops) Mr.
Keaton, is something wrong? Uh, no, no.
Why do you ask? Because you're not dancing.
You see, at this point in the dance, the economy is still good.
In, uh in a minute, the crash comes, interest rates rise, and the dance really takes off.
(music resumes) Alex, are you okay? I'm fine.
For my next number You see, I'm just that kind of guy, and when I met Lauren, it was the same thing.
I'd do anything to open up and show my true self, even if it meant lying.
Alex, this is just a polygraph machine.
If someone displays undue tension or an increase in pulse when answering a question, the machine buzzes and I know they're not telling the truth.
Does it really bother you? Oh, no, absolutely not; absolutely not.
Uh, I got nothing to hide.
(alarm buzzes) Oh, good.
It's working.
Well, first I'd like to ask you a few questions to see how well you'll fit in with the rest of the subject group.
Now politically, would you describe yourself as liberal, middle of the road, or conservative? Uh, well, I-I don't really like political labels.
(alarm buzzes) Conservative.
Thank you.
Okay, overachievers, they tend to meticulously plan out every aspect of their lives, from graduation to retirement.
Do you see yourself as an obsessive planner? What, me? No.
(alarm buzzes) Well, I-I wouldn't say obsessive.
(alarm buzzes) I'm a planning maniac.
Now, the typical overachiever is so focused on classes and career that there's not much time left for dating.
Would you say you have a very active social life? An active, active social life? Yeah, are you actively dating? (anxious sigh) Well, I go out on a couple of dates a week.
Maybe more.
(alarm buzzes) This particular week was a little slow.
(alarm buzzes) This particular year was a little slow.
(alarm buzzes) - (doorbell rings) - Oh, I'll get it.
- Hey, Skipper.
- Hello, Mr.
Keaton.
- Come on in.
- Hi, hi, everybody.
Andy told me about his school project, so I brought over my first aid kit.
You're putting a first aid kit in the time capsule? Time capsule?! I-I thought he said a cold capsule.
Uh, so, what's up, guys? Oh, we were just discussing how Alex is so romantic with his girlfriends.
Oh, well, did you discuss how romantic he's been with mine? What's this? I-I liked this girl named Jane, and, uh, imagine my shock and dismay to discover that she didn't like me.
Actually, that's to be expected, but the fact that she liked Alex took me by surprise.
I'm gonna go wash my hands, okay? Uh, you two get to know each other a little better - while I'm gone.
- Please don't leave me.
Uh, Skippy (groans) We're very close.
Skippy, I'll be right back, okay? (no voice) So how long have you known Alex? (gibbering) I can't remember.
Do you live next door or across the street from Alex? (gibbering) Are you all right? You're not having some kind of attack, are you? No! Good.
I'm really glad we had this opportunity to talk.
ALEX: Great.
Hi, I hope I gave you two enough time alone together.
I think so.
Excuse me.
Uh, I'm gonna go wash my hair.
Skippy, you mean your hands.
Right, I mean, I'm gonna wash the hair on my hands.
He's quite a guy, isn't he? I'll say.
I missed you while you were gone, Alex.
Uh, I was only gone for two minutes, Jane.
I don't know what it is about you, Alex, but you bring out the animal in me.
(Alex laughs weakly) Hope I'm not being too forward.
I understand.
Hi, we're here to pick up a pizza for Keaton, please.
Mallory, look.
Jennifer and Mallory, what are you guys doing here? Um, we Come on over and say hello to Alex and Jane.
Uh, no, Skippy, don't go over there.
- Why not? - Um I'm sorry, Mallory, but I'm spoken for.
Better be getting back to my date.
- Uh, Skippy, don't - (Skippy screams) Uh, uh I-I can explain this.
No, Alex, don't bother explaining.
I-I think I can see what's going on here.
I've got a great idea.
You know what we're in perfect formation for.
A gang synchronized swim? No, a sing-along.
Oh, Mom, if you go into "If I Had a Hammer," I'm gonna lose it.
Oh, come on, a sing-along will be fun.
After all, we Keatons do it so well.
This land is your land This land is my land From California To the New York island From the redwood forest To the Gulf Stream waters This land was made for you and me.
Everybody! I was walking A ribbon of highway She'll be riding six white horses when she comes She'll be riding six white horses when she comes She'll be riding six white horses She'll be riding six white horses She'll be riding six white horses when she comes It's quarter to 3:00 There's no one in the place Except for you and me Gray skies are gonna clear up Put on a happy face I'm a little teapot - Short and stout - Mom, get a hold on yourself.
Here is the handle, here is my spout When I get all steamed up, hear me shout Tip me over and pour me out.
Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it No one likes to be defeated, ow! Show me what's funky, show me what's right It doesn't I'd like to sing for you, if I might, uh, a song that's very special to me, a song that asks the musical question Where have all the flowers gone? Thank you.
Long time passing Thank you very much.
Where have all the flowers gone? Join me.
Long time ago I love you Mallory I love you And you love me I can't believe that you proposed to me Marry me Marry me, Mallory.
ALEX: Birds do it, bees do it Even educated fleas do it Let's do it Let's fall in love.
I got you, babe, I got you, babe And when I'm sad You're a clown And when I get scared You're always around So, let them say your hair's too long I don't care, with you, I Love is a many splendored thing It's the April rose That only grows In the early spring Love is nature's way Of giving a reason To be living Kiss me, Dad.
Eddie, my lo-ove I love you so-oh Uh, oh-oh How I've waited for you Ooh-we-ooh You'll never kno-ow Please, Eddie Don't make me wait Too lo-o-ong.
Swing low Sweet chariot Comin' for to carry me home Swing low Sweet chariot Coming for To carry me home.
There are places I remember All my life Some have changed Some forever, not for better Some have gone And some remain All these places have their moments In my life I've loved you more.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)
ELYSE: Freeze! Where do you think you're going? Uh, no place, Mom.
We're just, uh, trying to break in our coats.
But we were supposed to all be here tonight to share this.
Oh, no, not another Woodstock slide show where you guys spend the evening trying to spot yourselves among among a sea of long hair and beards.
STEVEN: (laughs) Jennifer, we once spotted a blonde speck in that crowd that was definitely your mother.
That's not what we're doing tonight.
What are we doing tonight? You're helping me make a time capsule for school.
Oh, that sounds neat what are you gonna put in it? I'm gonna put stuff about our family.
Can you put Alex in there? I could try.
So if you have any mementos that remind you of growing up, put them in there.
I, uh, I actually have the first dollar I ever earned.
Uh, and I'll sell it to you for 25 bucks.
You sure you can't put Alex in there? Maybe if we let some of the hot air out of him, he'll fit.
So what do you got in here so far, Andy? - I got my baby boots.
- Oh Yeah, you know, I've got mine bronzed which made it really tough to walk.
Look, our old color slides.
- Oh, no, the slides! - No slides.
I thought you kids loved my slide shows.
You used to sit there, staring at them, eyes wide open.
No, Dad, we learned to sleep that way.
I can't believe you guys can watch this.
You look ridiculous.
Half a million people trying to stop a senseless war.
You find that ridiculous? I'm talking about the outfits.
I'm dying, I'm dying.
Promise me you'll never show these when my friends are here.
Promise or I'm leaving home right now.
Mallory, that was history in the making.
There were people every state in the union at that protest.
What were you protesting good grooming? Mommy, you look so pretty.
Like an Indian princess.
That's your father, dear.
- There I am.
- STEVEN: There you go.
You look almost as pretty as Daddy.
Daddy, how long ago was that? That was very long ago.
In a galaxy far, far away.
All right, who wants to see - the Peace Corps slides? - (kids groan) You know, this is fun, and it's a great way to clean out my closet.
Do you have room for six pairs of Earth Shoes, a mood ring and a pet rock? Why were you guys always protesting stuff? Well, I think it was just the times.
There was a lot to be upset about, you know? War, the government.
Not being able to drag a comb through your hair.
Don't listen to your brother, Andy.
If he'd been older, he would've loved the '60s.
Mom, the only way I could've enjoyed the '60s would be if my headband had been too tight, I had lost consciousness and woke up in the '80s.
Wait a minute, Alex.
I seem to remember your getting involved in a protest or two.
ELYSE: That's right, Andy, and it was for a good cause, too The Equal Rights Amendment.
Alex? No, it was for a better cause than that.
It was for a girl.
Deep in our hearts We do believe We shall not be moved today.
- (women whooping) - All right! That's right.
Sing it! It's important.
Are you okay? No, not really.
Look, Deena, I cannot go on with this any longer.
I-I-I'm not really Alex, that was a very courageous thing you did, coming to Dorothy's defense like that.
Well, thanks, but, uh, listen, about this whole ERA business, this-this this button, this-this shirt it's not Is that a scratch on your ear? Yeah, but it's nothing.
Oh, those animals.
Alex, I don't think I've ever been as attracted to anybody as I am to you right now.
So, what is it you wanted to tell me? Don't remember.
I think it was a trivia question.
Isn't this romantic? The two of us in prison together.
Alex, I want to think you for coming to my defense.
I'm proud of you.
And I'm very impressed with your passion for the movement.
Well, uh, Dorothy, it was a privilege to come to your aid.
I mean, I-I regret I have but one ear to give to the cause.
Alex, when you talk like that, I can barely keep my hands off you.
But-but those are just idle words.
I mean, there is a job to be done here.
- Yes, there is.
- Right on! You know, and not only by us, but by women everywhere.
WOMAN: Yeah, tell 'em! How long must we wait? How long are we expected to accept these indignities? How long, Lord? (women whooping) You know, I feel the way President Kennedy must've felt that day at the Berlin wall, when he said, "Today I am a Berliner.
" Well, today in this cell, I say to you, "I am a woman.
" (women whooping) ELYSE: Alex definitely turns up in the most unlikely places.
"His mother put him to bed, and made some chamomile tea, and she gave a dose of it to Peter.
" See? Right there.
"One tablespoon full to be taken at bedtime.
"But Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail, "who are good little bunnies, had bread and milk and blackberries for supper.
" There, see? These are blackberries.
Read it again, Mommy.
Give it a break, Alex.
She read it three times.
ALEX: Hey, come on, Andy and I love to read together.
"And then Mr.
Reagan said "'Oh, look, Mommy, "It's Secretary of State It's Secretary of State George Shultz.
" Boy, Andrew, this I Love Republicans pop-up book was the best purchase I ever made.
Make Nancy wave again.
Hi.
What is this word right here? "Impeach.
" Isn't that sweet? It really is.
You know, sometimes I think we're too harsh on Alex.
He-he's not just a callous archconservative Republican.
You know, sometimes he can be a warm, loving son and brother.
BOTH: "I am not a crook.
" ALEX: The one thing you don't want to see, though, is a book in Mallory's hands.
"But I reckon I got to light out "for the territory ahead of the rest because Aunt Sally, "she's gonna adopt me and civilize me and I can't stand it I've been there before.
" Mal, is that you? What are you doing? I'm reading.
When did you learn how? When I found out that Cosmopolitan magazine was banned in certain places, I became enraged.
Then I saw Huckleberry Finn sitting on the coffee table, and I said to myself, "What better way to show Jennifer my support?" So I picked it up and I started reading and you know what? I love it.
I love reading I'm gonna teach Nick how to read.
STEVEN: Mallory did a great job of it.
"The little engine looked at the hill and said, 'I think I can.
"' (clears throat) "I think I can.
" "I think I can.
" This is getting pretty exciting, huh? I wonder what happens next? He gets up the hill, Nick.
I got a few things from my own personal collection.
Alex, that's way too big.
What's in there, your ego? Andy, I'm gonna give you my favorite baby toy.
She knew how to feather her hair before she even had any.
And this is the English textbook that I used to help Nick get his high school equivalency diploma.
(laughs) Yeah, yeah, you, uh, you were a lot of help.
What is a verb? What does it do in a sentence? Uh, it just kind of sits there, trying not to bother the other words.
Come on, Nick.
A verb is a word that does something active in a sentence, like walk or run or eat.
Yeah, but, um, eating's not active.
Unless you eat and run.
Well, you don't have to be moving to be active.
You just have to be doing something.
Well what about if you're dead? I mean, you can't be active when you're dead, unless you're a ghost or a vampire.
Well, you can use verbs for ghosts and vampires.
Uh, just not for ordinary dead people, huh? I'm gonna have to look that up, I think they have special verbs for them.
You know, this is without a doubt, the most inane and absurd conversation I've ever heard.
Alex, what are you doing here? What am I do well, I'm not "doing" anything, so I guess I'll need one of those special verbs.
Like you use for dead people.
(stifled laughter) Did Nick graduate? Yes, Andy, Nick did graduate (mumbles) What was that, honey? With Alex's help.
That's right.
And it was no easy feat either, pal.
Oh, come on, Alex, don't underestimate your sister.
She's helped quite a few people.
Remember when she was our little, uh, Ann Landers? I better get started.
Look at all these letters I have already.
- Oh - Oh, hey.
You can't actually look, Dad.
They're confidential.
Oh, let me look.
Well, I guess you're family and all, so "Dear Mallory, I need your advice.
"My partner doesn't satisfy me sexually, and I was wondering" Oh, Dad! My advice is that you don't read that.
Very wise, Dear Mallory.
Alex, Alex, guess what.
I'm Dear Mallory.
Yeah, and I'm adorable Alex.
Ha-ha.
No, you don't understand.
I'm taking over the personal advice column for the Columbus Shopper's Guide.
The column is called "Dear Mallory.
" No, wait, wait, wait Columbus Shopper's Guide.
Isn't that that freebie giveaway thing they have at the checkout counter at the supermarkets, the one with all the coupons in it? That's right.
What are you so excited about, Mal? You're gonna, you're gonna be giving advice to-to lowlife bargain hunters who can't afford to buy a real paper.
But, Alex, they're not lowlife bargain hunters.
They're people, real people coming to me for advice.
Mallory, if these people are willing to shell out a quarter, they could turn to Dear Abby.
I can help him.
That was a great job.
People came to me for help, and I didn't help them one bit, but I had fun.
I guess that's all that counts.
Oh, come on, Dad, you-you've messed up on helping people plenty of times.
Like who? Like me, whenever you helped me with my homework.
I remember a certain philosophy paper that I was doing (Steven groans) I don't know, Dad, I have to disagree with you.
Kierkegaard felt that all knowledge must be self-knowledge.
I think you're wrong, Jen.
He was also concerned with the larger societal problems.
Dad, you're missing the point completely.
Oh, am I? Kierkegaard believed that examining man's existence within a larger framework of a societal, historical dialectic was the avoidance of subjective knowledge so essential to comprehending any type of spiritual truth.
Jennifer, go to your room.
Jennifer, go to your room.
Now, come on, don't be so hard on your dad.
He's done a lot around here.
Remember when he re-wallpapered the kitchen? All by himself, too.
Elyse, Mal, Jennifer, Andrew, everybody! Could you come out for a minute?! There's something I'd like to show you! What, honey? Oh (hums fanfare) Oh, Steven, it's magnificent! I never really liked this wallpaper, but you made it work.
This is pretty nice, Mr.
K.
Maybe you can come over to my house and do my kitchen for me.
Well, I have to admit I'm really good with my hands.
(groans) Anyway, there's a certain satisfaction a man gets, a certain satisfaction a man gets from a job well done.
I think I should do more work around the house.
I don't think so, Dad.
Oh, that's that's that's fine no That's fine.
No problem.
I fully expected that to happen.
Whoa! Whoa! - Whoa! Hey, hey - Oh! Well, it was beautiful while it lasted.
Your father's obsessiveness is one of his most charming traits.
Well, thank you, dear, but I think I've seen you go off the deep end a few times.
Oh, you have? Yeah, come on, Mom, he's got you there.
Does the phrase "snake eyes" mean anything to you? All right, all right, all right, don't get into your pet names for each other.
You know, Andy, there was one time when your mother became a complete compulsive.
Mom, I bet you were the prettiest compulsive on the block.
Thank you, honey.
Your mother became a real riverboat gambler.
All she was missing was the riverboat.
You see, we-we all went to Atlantic City, where your mother was to deliver a lecture at a convention.
Instead, she fell in love with blackjack.
Who's he? It's a card game, honey.
Blackjack's a card game.
Like "Go Fish"? A little, but when was the last time someone made $2,000 playing "Go Fish"? Mom, I'm hungry.
Oh, can I get some ice cream? Oh, in a few minutes, honey.
Your dad and I are gonna play a couple hands of blackjack and then we'll go have a snack.
Hey, hey, Mom, Mom, look, what are you doing? Every second you delay means interest lost on the money we're gonna win.
Oh, there's Tom Jones! There's Tom Jones! He's coming this way! Here he comes! Good call, Mal.
It looked like him from a distance, Alex.
You want to give it a try? Well, we might as well get it over with.
You guys stay behind the rope here and don't get in any trouble.
I'm sorry, but only people over 21 in here.
Oh, I'll sit back here.
(chuckles) DEALER: Your last 21.
What do you think I should do, Elyse? Oh, don't ask me, Steven; I can only think about my speech.
- Stick.
- Hmm? Didn't you read the cards that Alex gave you? Since the deck is rich in tens, you've got to stick, figuring the dealer's four will bust him.
You heard her stick.
- Oh, whoo! - We won! Come on, let's cash in those chips.
Oh, come on, Elyse.
Why don't you just play one game? - Well, all right.
- Come on.
Guess it'd be silly to come all the way to Atlantic City and not play one hand of blackjack.
Hey, Mom, how's it going? Remember, if the dealer has a four, five or six showing, you want to stick on 12.
If he's got a three BOTH: Hit the 13, seven or above, hit the 17.
It's great to see a mother and son enjoying a common interest.
Okay, see, the dealer has a picture BOTH: hit.
Stick.
- Whoo! - Yay! We win! I got to get in on this.
Hi, how you doing? I'm Big Al from Vegas.
Vinny says hello.
Excuse me, son, didn't I tell you you weren't allowed in here? Who, Me? No, you've never seen me before.
I'm just here with my wife and my brother-in-law Nice try, kid.
See you later, hon.
Blackjack! Whoo! On that note, let's call it a day.
Come on, honey, let's hit the boardwalk.
Can it, Steven.
We're not going anywhere.
Hit me over here.
Stick.
Hit me over, but be gentle.
Ooh, soft 16.
Hit me again.
Ooh, stick.
Hit me over here on the end.
- Stick.
Thanks, Eddie.
- My pleasure, Elyse.
The lady wins on all three.
- (onlookers cheer and applaud) - Whoo! Way to go, Mom.
Hang in there.
How ya doing? Nice to see ya.
You have won quite a bit of money, Elyse.
Why don't we just cash in now? Oh, Steven, everything is under control, baby.
One more hour, and we are in fat city.
Okay, now, Eddie, I'm doubling my bets.
Be nice to me.
Mom, can I go backstage and hang around Tom Jones's dressing room? Sure, honey.
Say hi to Tom for me.
Mom, I'm really getting hungry.
Here's ten dollars.
Get yourself some ice cream.
Mom, I saw this girl in the lobby I think I have enough stuff.
Oh, don't be silly, Andy.
The night is young and Keaton memories have just begun.
You know what, Andy? I think it's time that I pass down to you one of my favorite collections.
Baseball cards? They're better than baseball cards: The Alex Keaton report cards.
Nursery school through college.
You can keep 'em, you can collect 'em, you can trade 'em with your friends.
Thanks, Alex.
I'll treasure 'em.
You really know how to give that something special, don't you, Alex? Why would you want to save your report cards? Because they're gems.
I mean, every year, all A's.
Unlike you, Mallory, who spiced up her academic life by getting a Q in math.
Mal, I think it's great your brother shows such an interest in academics.
After all, the first day of school is Alex's favorite day of the year.
Jen, I'm telling you, you're gonna do great in high school.
Yeah, Jen, what are you worried about? This is Harding High.
This is my alma mater.
I'm a legend there.
Let me see your schedule.
Little kids.
Okay, first period you got Mr.
Gibson for English.
No problem.
He loved me.
Wrote me a recommendation for college.
Second period, Mrs.
Hentoff for math.
She wrote me two recommendations for college.
Third period, Mr.
Kaufman for science.
He drove me to college.
Andy, Andy, let's get to work, buddy.
You got a lot of ground to cover here.
First day of kindergarten, you want to get off to a good start, right? - I'm ready, Alex.
- You know, the first thing your teacher's gonna ask is what you did over the summer.
Now, a lot of kids are gonna say, "I went to the zoo" or "I went to the beach," or "I went to a baseball game.
" What are you gonna say? I watched the Iran-Contra hearings.
And? President Reagan doesn't know anything.
Doesn't know anything about the scandal, okay? You don't want to be quoted out of context.
See, the great thing about Andy is, whenever I'm talking, the kid is mesmerized.
He expresses it in a funny way.
- Andy? - Hmm? Come on.
Time for bed, sweetie.
- I'll take him up, Mom.
- Come on, Andy.
I better stay to oversee the time capsule.
It's okay, Andy.
We'll work on it for you.
That's what I'm afraid of.
So now what? Oh, I don't know, maybe mm! this.
That's great, Merlin.
Or perhaps this.
Please, Dad, no magic tricks.
You know what happened the last time.
Okay, Alex, pick a card! Any card.
Oh, Jennifer, Jennifer, just the person I want to see.
Get in this box.
What is this, Daddy Dearest? Come on Steven, we're not gonna put our daughter in a magic box.
Well, okay, Elyse, then you-you help me.
Oh, Jen, get in.
That's all right.
When I next open this box, my daughter Jennifer will be gone.
Come one, come all from far and near, you have seen my daughter dear.
I will make her disappear.
(hums a fanfare) Well, that's-that's very good.
Now-Now bring her back.
Okay.
She's gone, she's gone, alack, alack, I will bring my daughter back.
(hums a fanfare) Okay, okay Jennifer? Jennifer, the trick worked.
You, uh, come out now.
(chuckles) It's nothing.
She's really gone.
Can you do that with Mallory? Wha-What's going on here? Where is Jennifer? I don't know.
ALEX: That was just the beginning.
Soon, Dad was completely out of control.
Poodle! Thanks! My very own poodle.
(Steven chuckles) What'll it be, Alex a mouse, peacock? Giraffe? - Dad? - Hmm? This has got to stop.
What do you mean? Dad Dad, you're a well-educated guy.
And-and-and most of the time, you're pretty normal, but Dad, you got to face it, you have a problem.
Alex, it's just a hobby.
No, no, Dad, Dad, Dad it's an obsession; it's a compulsion.
You have a compulsion for say it with me you have a compulsion for BOTH: birthday party tricks.
That's that's right, Dad.
And it's gotta stop.
The party is over.
You're right, Alex.
I need help.
Andy, what are you doing out of bed? I can't sleep.
The clothes on my chair look like a monster.
This, uh, this wouldn't by any chance be a ploy to get one of us to read you a bedtime story, would it? No, but the monster's requesting anything but Dr.
Seuss.
I'll, uh, I'll go.
I speak monster.
(doorbell rings) I'll get it.
- Hey! - Hi.
Things were going so well there for a moment.
Hey, Mal Mal, Mal, Mal, Mal uh, don't you remember? We had a date tonight.
I got two tickets for the postmodern art exhibition and pie-eating contest.
Sounds like quite a full evening.
I'm sorry, honey, I just got caught up in this Keaton family time capsule that Andy's making for school.
Oh, sounds like fun.
Can I play? Sure, Nick.
Get in.
And, uh, we'll let you out when Mallory comes to her senses.
Honey, honey, don't get in.
Okay, forget it I'll just make my own family time capsule.
I mean, that is if I did have a family.
Come on, Nick, what about your dad? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I sort of forgot about him.
I mean, we didn't get together until recently, and that was really weird.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey! Hey My God, Elyse, they're speaking Nickanese.
Look at you.
You look great! Yeah, you look great, too.
Yeah.
I don't see what the problem is.
They seem to agree on everything.
Hey-ey-ey - Hey.
- Hey.
I think they're summing up now.
Nick, no matter what happens, you'll always feel like part of this family.
Stop, Elyse, I'm going to have nightmares.
Do you remember when Nick almost became a member of our family? When was that? Oh, honey, don't you remember when we almost got married? Oh, yeah, yeah, that was beautiful.
We're gathered here today to join you, Erin, and you, Michael, in marriage, which is an honorable institution.
It is the foundation of the home as the home is the foundation of society.
Oh, sounds serious.
The desire to join together in love with another human being is both noble and courageous.
Nick, why are you getting married? Because you asked me.
No, I mean, if I hadn't asked you, would you be here? By myself? Would you have asked me? Ah I'm not sure.
You know, I'm not sure we're ready.
Then why did you say yes? You know, you're so much smarter about these things than me.
I mean, you know, I figured since you thought we were ready, we must be ready and I just didn't notice.
Nick, why doesn't it feel right? We love each other.
I don't know.
Feels like we're breaking the law.
Yeah, yeah, like our wedding picture's gonna go up on a post office wall.
Yeah, like you say, we're starting with a couple of strikes against us: I mean, your parents aren't here, our friends aren't here, this guy doesn't know "Lola" Maybe my parents are right.
Maybe we're going too fast.
Maybe we could slow down a little.
I mean, we don't have to get married if we don't want to.
No, nobody can force us.
Okay.
Oh, Nick, I love you.
Let's not get married.
Mallory, you and Nick are so romantic.
You know, I've often caught you guys looking into each other's eyes with long meaningful stares.
Oh, no, Jennifer, those are blinking contests.
Hey, Jen, if you're looking for romantic role models, don't go looking at He-Man and She-Ra over here.
And you happen to have the most romantic person in the world living right here under this roof.
Why, thank you, son.
No, Steven, he meant me.
I beg to differ, darling he meant me.
No, I'm the most romantic.
Don't make me bust your chops.
I was talking about me.
I mean, I, uh, I have something of a way about me.
You may not realize this, but women think of me as something of a Don Juan.
More like a Don Knotts.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Remember when I first started seeing Ellen? And I drove all night? I mean, I drove 400 miles just to see her, to tell her how I felt? Alex? Hey Ellen! What are you doing here? I, uh I, uh You forgot your Newsweek.
I-I-I figured you might want that, so I swung by here.
It was no big deal, really.
It was seven hours.
There's a good article on the omelet craze.
I read someone else's copy on the train.
I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear that.
Uh, Ellen, listen to be honest with you the magazine is not the only reason I came.
Why else? I don't know.
I, uh, I just had to come.
I mean, I was in-in in the car, on my way to the biggest night of my life, and something made me turn the car around.
I mean, I knew I missed the dinner and I'd be blowing any shot I had of returning this tux on time.
Something made me turn the car around.
Ellen, uh, you and I are completely different.
You're an artist.
You write poetry.
You attend anti-nuclear demonstrations.
Me I'm an economics major.
I, uh voted for Reagan.
I'm in the Young Executives Club.
I-I wear a jacket and tie everywhere I go.
Except for train stations at 3:00 in the morning, in which case, I wear a tuxedo.
Anyway, the point is, Ellen, that I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why I love you.
You love me? Yeah, I love you, okay? I-I-I said it.
I mean, after all, Ellen, if I'm gonna go this far, I might as well go all the way.
I love you, all right? I love you, I love you, I love you.
I'm crazy about you, I'd give anything to be with you, I can't live without you, okay? Gotta go.
See ya.
I love you, too, Alex.
I mean, it's like you have a way of seeing right through me.
I'm seeing a part of me that I-I don't ev I don't even like to admit exists.
And that scares me, because if you see it, that forces me What did you say? I love you, too.
You do? Alex, I've never met anybody like you.
You come on like some pompous, arrogant, obnoxious guy.
And underneath that, there's this wide-eyed child, completely innocent and naive.
Oh, is that sort of a compliment? Yeah.
And just telling Ellen that I loved her wasn't enough.
I started doing anything I could to impress her.
Are you ready, Mikhail? Da.
I'm ready.
What is it that you'll be interpreting for us? This, uh, particular piece is an interpretation of the Stock Market Crash of 1929.
What music will you be using to accompany yourself? Uh, just, uh, just play anything.
Th-this dance goes with everything.
Maestro.
(lively classical piano music plays) (music stops) Mr.
Keaton, is something wrong? Uh, no, no.
Why do you ask? Because you're not dancing.
You see, at this point in the dance, the economy is still good.
In, uh in a minute, the crash comes, interest rates rise, and the dance really takes off.
(music resumes) Alex, are you okay? I'm fine.
For my next number You see, I'm just that kind of guy, and when I met Lauren, it was the same thing.
I'd do anything to open up and show my true self, even if it meant lying.
Alex, this is just a polygraph machine.
If someone displays undue tension or an increase in pulse when answering a question, the machine buzzes and I know they're not telling the truth.
Does it really bother you? Oh, no, absolutely not; absolutely not.
Uh, I got nothing to hide.
(alarm buzzes) Oh, good.
It's working.
Well, first I'd like to ask you a few questions to see how well you'll fit in with the rest of the subject group.
Now politically, would you describe yourself as liberal, middle of the road, or conservative? Uh, well, I-I don't really like political labels.
(alarm buzzes) Conservative.
Thank you.
Okay, overachievers, they tend to meticulously plan out every aspect of their lives, from graduation to retirement.
Do you see yourself as an obsessive planner? What, me? No.
(alarm buzzes) Well, I-I wouldn't say obsessive.
(alarm buzzes) I'm a planning maniac.
Now, the typical overachiever is so focused on classes and career that there's not much time left for dating.
Would you say you have a very active social life? An active, active social life? Yeah, are you actively dating? (anxious sigh) Well, I go out on a couple of dates a week.
Maybe more.
(alarm buzzes) This particular week was a little slow.
(alarm buzzes) This particular year was a little slow.
(alarm buzzes) - (doorbell rings) - Oh, I'll get it.
- Hey, Skipper.
- Hello, Mr.
Keaton.
- Come on in.
- Hi, hi, everybody.
Andy told me about his school project, so I brought over my first aid kit.
You're putting a first aid kit in the time capsule? Time capsule?! I-I thought he said a cold capsule.
Uh, so, what's up, guys? Oh, we were just discussing how Alex is so romantic with his girlfriends.
Oh, well, did you discuss how romantic he's been with mine? What's this? I-I liked this girl named Jane, and, uh, imagine my shock and dismay to discover that she didn't like me.
Actually, that's to be expected, but the fact that she liked Alex took me by surprise.
I'm gonna go wash my hands, okay? Uh, you two get to know each other a little better - while I'm gone.
- Please don't leave me.
Uh, Skippy (groans) We're very close.
Skippy, I'll be right back, okay? (no voice) So how long have you known Alex? (gibbering) I can't remember.
Do you live next door or across the street from Alex? (gibbering) Are you all right? You're not having some kind of attack, are you? No! Good.
I'm really glad we had this opportunity to talk.
ALEX: Great.
Hi, I hope I gave you two enough time alone together.
I think so.
Excuse me.
Uh, I'm gonna go wash my hair.
Skippy, you mean your hands.
Right, I mean, I'm gonna wash the hair on my hands.
He's quite a guy, isn't he? I'll say.
I missed you while you were gone, Alex.
Uh, I was only gone for two minutes, Jane.
I don't know what it is about you, Alex, but you bring out the animal in me.
(Alex laughs weakly) Hope I'm not being too forward.
I understand.
Hi, we're here to pick up a pizza for Keaton, please.
Mallory, look.
Jennifer and Mallory, what are you guys doing here? Um, we Come on over and say hello to Alex and Jane.
Uh, no, Skippy, don't go over there.
- Why not? - Um I'm sorry, Mallory, but I'm spoken for.
Better be getting back to my date.
- Uh, Skippy, don't - (Skippy screams) Uh, uh I-I can explain this.
No, Alex, don't bother explaining.
I-I think I can see what's going on here.
I've got a great idea.
You know what we're in perfect formation for.
A gang synchronized swim? No, a sing-along.
Oh, Mom, if you go into "If I Had a Hammer," I'm gonna lose it.
Oh, come on, a sing-along will be fun.
After all, we Keatons do it so well.
This land is your land This land is my land From California To the New York island From the redwood forest To the Gulf Stream waters This land was made for you and me.
Everybody! I was walking A ribbon of highway She'll be riding six white horses when she comes She'll be riding six white horses when she comes She'll be riding six white horses She'll be riding six white horses She'll be riding six white horses when she comes It's quarter to 3:00 There's no one in the place Except for you and me Gray skies are gonna clear up Put on a happy face I'm a little teapot - Short and stout - Mom, get a hold on yourself.
Here is the handle, here is my spout When I get all steamed up, hear me shout Tip me over and pour me out.
Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it No one likes to be defeated, ow! Show me what's funky, show me what's right It doesn't I'd like to sing for you, if I might, uh, a song that's very special to me, a song that asks the musical question Where have all the flowers gone? Thank you.
Long time passing Thank you very much.
Where have all the flowers gone? Join me.
Long time ago I love you Mallory I love you And you love me I can't believe that you proposed to me Marry me Marry me, Mallory.
ALEX: Birds do it, bees do it Even educated fleas do it Let's do it Let's fall in love.
I got you, babe, I got you, babe And when I'm sad You're a clown And when I get scared You're always around So, let them say your hair's too long I don't care, with you, I Love is a many splendored thing It's the April rose That only grows In the early spring Love is nature's way Of giving a reason To be living Kiss me, Dad.
Eddie, my lo-ove I love you so-oh Uh, oh-oh How I've waited for you Ooh-we-ooh You'll never kno-ow Please, Eddie Don't make me wait Too lo-o-ong.
Swing low Sweet chariot Comin' for to carry me home Swing low Sweet chariot Coming for To carry me home.
There are places I remember All my life Some have changed Some forever, not for better Some have gone And some remain All these places have their moments In my life I've loved you more.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)