Family Ties (1982) s07e26 Episode Script
176 - Alex Doesn't Live Here Anymore (2)
(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? Dad, do we have to rehearse this again? Just one more time, Andy, to be sure you know your lines.
Okay.
"We're going to the dentist, we'll be there in a while.
He's really not a menace, he's there to help us smile.
" "He'll clean your teeth and make them white.
"Your mouth will look like new.
"He'll check your gums, he'll fix your bite, "and afterwards, if you didn't cry, your mom and dad can take you to the zoo.
" I'm not so sure about this rhyme, Andy.
Who who wrote this? - My teacher.
- It's very good.
It's very, very good.
Hey.
What are you guys reading? Well, it's a school play about dental hygiene.
Andy got one of the lead roles.
Ooh.
Are you playing the dentist? I'm the permanent molar.
Oh.
That's very good! That's how Marlon Brando got his start.
I remember I was in a dental hygiene play in, uh, second grade.
We did our production of Annie Get Your Gums.
(Steven chuckles) I-I played the ingenue.
I was, uh Jamie Lee Dental Floss.
I still remember my line.
(Southern accent): I'm gonna get between you two molars if it's the last thing I do! (making squeaking noises) Mommy, help! Jamie Lee, stop being dental floss.
You're scaring your brother.
(Steven laughs) Alex isn't here yet, is he? No.
No, not yet.
Good, he's been driving me crazy lately.
Jennifer, you've got to be a little more patient with Alex.
He's really worried about whether or not he's gonna get this job.
O'Brien, Mathers & Clark is one of the biggest investment banking firms on Wall Street.
This is the big time.
Or, as Alex so lovingly puts it, his "ticket out of this dump.
" All right, I understand his anxiety, but-but we live here, too.
I mean, I can't believe he won't let us use the phone just because he's expecting a call from-from O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.
Well, he's not here now.
There's no reason you can't use the phone.
Oh, yeah? (siren blaring) ALEX (recorded): Mallory, put down the phone.
I repeat, Mallory, put down the phone.
- (siren stops) - That's better.
This has been a public service announcement.
And let me tell you, that's not the worst part about this whole New York thing.
He's acting like he lives there already.
Yesterday, I went to get in the car, he throws open the car door, throws me out, and says, "Find your own cab, pal.
" Well, yeah, all right, look, I-I'm sure once Alex hears about this job and hopefully gets it everything will be fine around here.
Well, I hope so, because if I hear one more word about New York, I'm gonna scream.
Start spreading the news (screams) I'm leaving today You've been a wonderful sister.
I'm gonna be a part of it Get yourself a little something New York, New York Alex, that's wonderful.
Yes! Why are you congratulating him, Dad? He didn't sing it that well.
No, Mallory, he got the, he got the job.
You did get the job, didn't you? Because you really didn't sing it that well.
- I got the job! - Oh, Alex, great, great! Yes! Yes! Did you hear that, Mom? I'm gonna be the youngest executive in the history of O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.
Mom, I am gonna be rich.
(laughs): That's wonderful.
I'm so excited for you.
Yeah, we hate to admit it, too, Alex, but we're excited for you.
Thank you, thank you.
You have something for me? Thank you.
Yeah, we're excited for you.
How rich? Well, Mal, you know how much money Nick is gonna make in his entire lifetime? I should pass him by Thursday.
Well, at least you're staying humble.
Come on, Dad, it's hard to be humble when you are gonna make $75,000 a year.
Alex, that is a lot of money it's very impressive but don't forget to ask this question: Will it bring you fulfillment? Dad, it'll bring it it'll clean it and it'll have it pressed for me in the morning.
I can't believe this.
This is a culmination of all my dreams.
I'm gonna be winging to Gotham, I'm gonna be hobnobbing with the bigwigs.
I mean, lunch at the plaza, date with a different Rockette every night.
Well, just don't get them mad, 'cause they could kick the hell out of you.
So I guess this means you'll be moving to New York.
Well, of course I'll be moving to New York, Mom.
That, uh that, uh, Columbus-to-Manhattan commute is really a bear.
So, so when will you go? In the fall? The f Mom, get real; the fall? They got me.
They know what they got; they want me next week.
I mean, would you wait until the fall to get me? Well, Alex, that's not enough time.
We have to get your plane ticket No, done, paid for.
We have to get you a place to live.
Done, paid for.
Well, sheets, towels, pillowcases.
Done.
Taking yours.
Well, Alex, that's just not right.
I mean, don't they understand, this really isn't enough time.
Oh, wait, Mom, Mom, if-if they want him there in a week, I'm sure we can get him out of here in a week.
That's right, Mom.
Alex, I'll be happy to help you pack.
You want to start now? Girl, girls, girls, girls.
Now, you're being very cavalier about this, but, uh, let's face it, I mean, someday, you're gonna miss me.
We know that.
We already miss him.
(laughs) We're just simply saying that if you want to start packing now, then you want what we want.
STEVEN: Look, look, look.
Let's not, uh, let's not rush this.
This is a moment to be relished.
Alex, we're all very proud of you.
Thanks, Dad.
Kind of like to savor this moment myself.
(sighs) I can't believe it.
Alex is finally leaving the nest, huh? Sprouting wings, flying out on your own, huh? Journeying beyond the borders of Keaton Land to the uncharted regions of the unknown.
(whispers): Flying against the wind.
Fighting the odds.
Uh, Dad, Dad, we could've had him out of here by now.
Alex, you okay up there? You need any help with your stuff? No, it's okay, Dad, I can manage.
(whistles) Come on, Jen, let's go.
Chop-chop.
Haven't got all day.
Alex, I can't do this.
Alex, she can't carry all that stuff.
That's right, your sister is not a Grand Canyon mule.
Thanks for noticing, Dad.
Look, Jen, come on, one more trip.
All you got left is the dresser.
Alex, I can't physically do this.
(mocking): "I can't physically do this.
" Come on, do you want me to live here for the rest of my life? I'll get that dresser.
Maybe things will smooth out if I supervise.
Yeah, go on up there, Mom.
There's a load up there for you, too.
(quietly): Ow.
Alex.
Dad.
- Come here, come here.
- What? (chuckles) Anything you want to ask me about, uh, life? As a young man on his own for the first time.
Not really, Dad, no.
Well, it's just been there's been a fine tradition of father-son farewell discussions in the Keaton family.
You may remember what my father said to me as I left to venture out into the world.
"Get out and take your brother with you"? Well, I don't remember the exact words.
But the important thing is the sentiment.
Passing of advice from one generation to the other, and, uh, well I'd like to do the same thing for you, my son.
Thanks, Dad.
Uh, all right, well, what advice did your father give you? Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
If you swallow an apple seed an apple tree will grow in your stomach.
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
Your mother and I have done our job well.
Now, Alex (sighs) Alex, when you get to the big city, you're gonna be walking down the street and some woman may sashay up to you dressed in some sort of provocative and scanty garb.
You mean Aunt Miriam still lives in New York? No, Alex, these woman are even friendlier than Aunt Miriam.
Dad, uh thanks for your advice.
Try and keep it in mind.
You know, Alex, you and I have disagreed on, well almost everything, uh but one thing I've always admired about you is your passion for what you believe in.
Now, look, when you get into the business world, there's gonna be a lot of pressure on you to compromise your beliefs.
But, Alex don't lose your passion.
More importantly don't lose your keys.
I'm gonna miss you, Dad.
Gonna miss you, too.
(grunts) Listen, hey, uh, one more thing.
Uh-huh? - Uh, this is for you.
No, no.
- Aw, Dad, Dad Listen, this is, this is Come on, come on, you take that, you take that.
Look, now, this is it's just a little something to get you started in life.
Your mother and I want you to have it.
Dad (Steven sighs) $200, Dad.
I-I know.
Now you only owe me $74.
50.
- Alex? - ALEX: Yeah? I found this in one of the boxes in your bedroom.
Were you just gonna take it? Uh, yeah, well I'm sorry, I was, I was gonna ask you can I have it.
It's, um it's got a lot of sentimental value for me.
It's my favorite picture of you, me and Dad.
Well, fine, sure.
Take it, it's okay.
Well, hey, if you're gonna be that way about it, I don't want it.
You take it.
No, no, I've got a million pictures.
Uh, I don't need it, you take it.
Mom, believe me, it's no big deal, one way or the other.
You want it or not? Hey, look, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you keep it, get a copy made, you bring it to New York when you come visit me.
Well, Alex, um, we're not just gonna be flying all over the country for you, you know.
What's the matter with Mom? Oh, you know her.
She hates to fly.
Hi, Jen.
What the hell are you doing? Me? Well, um Well, you know, you, um S-Since you're leaving soon, I just wanted to see your room the way you like to keep it once more.
Ah.
It's very nice.
How do you explain the tape measure? The tape measure? Mm.
Well, um I'm taking wood shop in school.
Uh-huh.
And I was gonna surprise you with a new floor.
Well, sorry to spoil your surprise, Jen.
Okay, I admit it, Alex.
(sighs) I-I was gonna bring my stereo in here and turn this into a music room after you leave.
I'm sor A music room, Jen? I've calculated the national debt in this room.
And you're gonna play the devil's music in here? Jen, I'm shocked.
I am shocked no, I'm dismayed.
No, this room is gonna stay exactly as it is.
It's gonna be a It's gonna be a shrine.
It's gonna be a shrine to me.
And after I'm gone, you put up the little velvet ropes.
You can bring on the tour buses and charge a buck a head.
Great.
In two years, we'll be able to buy an ice cream cone.
N-No actual ice cream, just the cone.
Huh.
No, Jen, I'm telling you, people are gonna line up just to see this autographed picture of Nixon.
Oh, the picture of Nixon I'm sorry, I completely forgot.
We're gonna have to get valet parking now.
You know, Jen, you always surprise me.
How can you be so politically naive, being as smart as you are? I mean, Jen, you're almost as smart as I am.
(chuckles softly) Well, Alex, you know, since you're leaving soon, I can break this to you.
I'm smarter than you are.
Obviously, my imminent departure has clouded your excellent but slightly inferior mind.
No, I'm smarter than you, Alex.
Try me.
(laughs): Oh, come on.
Jen, I'm not gonna try you.
of what number? You have five minutes; take your time.
That's close.
Exactly.
Annoying.
But interesting.
All I want to know, Jen, is what good is that gonna do you as you stroll through the third most populous city in Tanzania purchasing its three major exports? Well, it would give me pause for thought as I strolled through downtown Zanzibar with an armful of cotton, coffee and sisal.
That is such a lucky guess.
You know, Alex, to be fair, you did teach me everything I know.
Uh-huh.
Never do that again.
Why don't we just call it a tie? I mean, the most important part about it is you've always been there for me.
Tutoring me, pushing me to do better, to achieve everything that I could possibly achieve.
And I thank you for that.
Thanks, Jen.
So, I guess the question is what use are you gonna put all that knowledge to? Well, I was thinking of going to law school, maybe becoming an anti-trust attorney, and possibly putting you in jail in a few years.
Hang on to your dreams, Jen.
I think I'll go now.
Feel much more comfortable measuring your room after you move out.
You're a sensitive gal.
(whistling) (grunts) - Hey, Mallory.
- (gasps) (laughs) What are you doing? (panting) Me? Uh Well with you leaving and everything, um I was feeling nostalgic, so You're measuring it for a music room.
No.
Sewing.
No way.
Oh, come on, Alex.
What do you want us to do? Put up little velvet ropes when you're gone and keep it as a shrine? What kind of a pompous fool do you take me for? Oh, forget it.
You know what, Alex? No.
What, Mal? I guess I'm really proud of you.
I mean, I am.
I am.
I'm very proud of you.
Thanks, Mal.
That means a lot to me.
I mean (sighs) I don't know anything about what it is that you do.
But I know that you do it really well.
And I think it's terrific the way you went out and-and got what you wanted.
Whatever that is.
And I mean that.
Well, Mal, I'm proud of you.
And I mean that.
Really? 'Cause sometimes I feel like you don't have respect for what I do.
Oh, Mal.
Come on, your fashion designs? You're brilliant.
- (chuckles) - I mean, you're very talented.
(giggles) Well, thank you.
Thanks for noticing.
Now that you're leaving, I want to talk to you about something.
What's that? Your overcoat.
Don't get mushy on me, Mal.
You've got to promise me that when you get to New York, you will buy a new one this one's too stuffy.
Well, Mal, I-I'm going to work for O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.
They like stuffy.
Their president's name is Bob "Stuffy" O'Brien.
Alex, you got to listen to me.
Give this one to Mr.
Stuffy and start fresh.
And when you're on Wall Street, and you're wearing one of those, uh, one of your boring, black, three-piece pinstripe suits, add a little splash of color somewhere.
A red handkerchief or a rose or-or a little button that says, "I'm really not this dull.
" I'm gonna miss you, Mal.
I know.
Well, I'll be the next one to move out, Alex.
I hope I'm as successful as you are.
I mean, in fashion.
Not in whatever it is that you do.
I'll warm up New York for you, Mal.
(Mallory chuckles) Oh, excuse me, Alex.
I didn't know you're in here.
Oh, get down here, get down here.
All right.
Whoa, whoa.
- All right.
- (grunts) Hey, we got it.
We got it! We got it! I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm stuck! - Who's stuck? - Well, I don't know, - maybe it's me.
- (Alex groans) No, I-I'm fine.
All right, then it must be me.
(groaning loudly) Nice work, gentlemen.
(grunts) Okay.
(grunts) Now to the matter of money.
I believe there was a a fee discussed for this job.
Uh, well, gee, Alex, all I can really afford to give you is a dollar and a quarter.
We'll call it even, Skip.
Hey, uh, you know, Alex this place ain't gonna be the same without you here.
I mean, when I come over to talk to you, you ain't gonna be here.
Won't affect our conversation any.
No, Alex, he's right.
We are really gonna miss you.
Y-You've been my best friend ever since you moved in across the street 18 years ago.
You're-you're like a big brother to me.
You've taught me everything I know about life, love, romance.
The fact that I still don't have a girlfriend and people won't even talk to me on the 976 party line that doesn't change my feelings about you.
Well, Skippy, it's been a pleasure knowing you.
You're truly one of the most unique people I've ever met.
Oh.
Alex, don't go.
Come on, Skippy, get a grip.
Oh, please, Alex, don't go! This is really beautiful.
Excuse me.
(groans) Skippy.
Come on.
Come on, Skippy! Come on.
Look, guys, guys, get it together here, will you? Look, it's not like you're never gonna see me again.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true, Alex.
I mean, I am gonna be your brother-in-law one day.
Let's not jump the gun here, Nick.
I mean, I mean, you haven't even asked her yet, so there's still a good possibility that we're not gonna be related.
(Nick clears throat) Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey, Alex, you know, I've been thinking about it a lot.
I got the whole proposal planned out, you know? Yeah, uh, how about I show you how I'm gonna do it? I'd rather not see this.
No, no, no.
You know, I really want you to hear.
That way, in case I screw anything up, you can tell me, all right? Uh Skip, you be Mallory.
Okay.
I can do that.
Just stop me before I throw me out of the house.
(clears throat) Mallory I've been thinking.
We've been together now for quite some time, and, uh, I've really grown quite attached to you.
I've watched you blossom into a beautiful young woman.
My, is it getting warm in here? This is like the nuthouse version of Romeo and Juliet.
When I see you on the back of my bike, your lustrous hair blowing in the breeze it just makes me realize how very much in love with you I am.
And it just makes me want to sing one of my favorite love songs.
Here she comes Uh, just a-walkin' down the street Singing do-wah diddy Diddy-dum, diddy-do I think the key word here is "dumb.
" What I mean is Skippy will you marry me? Yes.
It's the best offer I've had in months.
Oh! (both sigh) Okay.
I now pronounce you idiot and wife.
There's a champagne reception in the kitchen.
This is the happiest day of my life.
Oh, Nick, this is all so sudden! (Nick chuckles) This is the happiest day in my life, too.
(doorbell rings) Hi.
- Hey, Lauren.
- Hi.
- How you doing? - Good.
- I heard you were leaving.
- Oh, yeah.
So I stopped by a bakery to get you a going-away cake, but they didn't have any, so I got you this going-away muffin instead.
(Alex chuckles) I even had them write a message on it.
Well, that's-that's real sweet, Lauren.
Thanks.
Well, it was supposed to say, "Good luck in the Big Apple, Alex," but that's all they could fit.
Well, I think "goo" pretty much covers it.
Mm.
Look, I can't stay long.
I just wanted to wish you all the best in New York.
Thanks.
So I guess you're finally gonna get your wish.
You're gonna be rich.
$75,000 a year.
Hey, you heard.
Yeah, well, skywriting is a very effective medium.
Not to mention the radio ads.
Alex Keaton, 75 grand.
Everybody, can I have your attention, please? Appearing tomorrow only at the Greenvale Grammar School, I'd like to introduce to you someone who is very important in all of our lives and a very special guy in his own right everyone, let's meet and greet Andrew, the human molar! - (applause) - NICK: Hey! - STEVEN: Oh! JENNIFER: Oh, boy! Don't eat sweets or I'll turn brown.
Remember to brush me up and down.
- Yay.
- That's terrific, honey.
- This costume - Let me see.
Yeah.
I was so touched by it, I wrote one for myself.
Um we can walk on coals and have ninjas fight us, but be sure not to get gingivitis.
Hey, this is great, sweetheart.
We're gonna have a good time coming to see you at your play.
Hey, hey, hey, all right, come on.
Let's go upstairs, Andy, all right? Let's get that costume off, get ready for dinner.
I have a good idea.
Why don't we go out for pizza, okay, and celebrate Andy learning his lines.
JENNIFER: Yeah.
Also, 'cause I forgot to get anything out for dinner.
- All right, all right.
- (sighs) (whistling "New York, New York") Well, are you coming? We're all going out for some pizza.
Ah, pizza.
Uh, no, that sounds great, Mom, but I got a lot of important stuff I got to do tonight.
What stuff? I-I you know, kind of packing up and moving to the Big Apple kind of stuff.
I got to, uh, I got to call my landlord and make sure he got my deposit check.
I got to make sure the electricity's turned on.
I got to call Mayor Koch about that key to the city thing.
Well, you know, it's only gonna take us an hour to eat.
Can't you make the calls later? Uh, Ma, I'd just feel a little more comfortable if I got it done tonight.
Okay, fine.
What? Is-is there a problem with that? No, no, that's fine.
Forget it.
Mom, what's-what's the matter with you? I said, nothing.
Look, this is a very big deal here.
I'm-I'm not just going across the street.
I'm picking my whole life up, and I'm taking it to New York.
I swear that's all I hear lately.
"New York! New York!" Well, maybe you've been listening to a little too much Sinatra, Mom.
Wonderfully funny, Alex.
What is going on with you, Mom? Ever since I got this job, you're treating me like I'm not a member of this family.
A member of this family would be going out for pizza, because that's what the family is doing tonight.
I can't believe what I'm hearing! I have some important things to do tonight.
Why is that so hard to understand? What I don't understand is the way you've been acting ever since this whole job business started.
All right, Mom, fine.
Okay, why don't you just tell me how I've been acting.
Like an ungrateful, arrogant, selfish, insufferable little boy who doesn't have any time for his family now that he's become such a big shot.
(scoffs softly) Well, if that's the way you feel about it, Mom, that's your problem.
No, no, Alex, that is your problem.
No, that's your problem.
Is there a problem? Alex refuses to go out for pizza.
Yeah, that's right, I do.
Call the pizza cops, haul me away.
Well, you guys don't have to argue.
I mean, you know, we can go out for Chinese food.
I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
You shouldn't listen to this woman.
She's being completely irrational! Hey, hey, hey, don't talk to me that way.
All right, hol-hold on.
Hold on there, Alex.
I mean, Alex, you're really forgetting something real fast, you know? We have been there for you financially and emotionally.
- We put a roof over your head - Oh.
And food on your plate for 22 years! All right, okay, all right.
Is that what this is about? It's about thank you? Well, thank you, Mom.
Thank you, Dad.
But guess what.
I don't need your food anymore.
And I don't need your roof.
You know, I'm not waiting till next week to leave.
I'm gonna stay, I'm gonna watch Andy's play tomorrow night, and then I'm out of here the next morning! Hi, honey.
Hi.
How was your day? Well, I was kind of tired.
As you know, I didn't get much sleep last night.
It's not my fault.
Well, I believe it was you who kicked me out of bed four times during the night yelling, "Is that any way to treat your mother?" I'm sorry, Steven.
I-I'm just so upset.
I mean, look, w-we're great parents, aren't we? You know, sensitive, caring, gentle.
I know.
I I'm not finished! Uh, sorry.
You were up to, uh, "gentle.
" Damn right, we're gentle! And considerate and patient.
And he he just takes it all for granted.
Elyse, there are two sides to this problem.
No, there are not.
What's the other side? Alex has a lot of pressure to deal with.
(mocking): "Oh, Alex has a lot of pressure to deal with.
" This is his first real experience away from home.
(mocking): "This is his first real experience away from home.
" Have you ever noticed a sarcastic echo in this kitchen before? Steven, Alex is going off to start a whole new life.
He is thrilled.
He is happier than he's ever been.
And he's only thinking about one person.
Not you, not me.
He's thinking about him.
He is totally and completely self-centered.
But he's always been that way.
I know, I know, but why has he always been that way? I mean, we're not that way.
Wh And he has our genes.
Why? Why aren't our genes in him, huh? I mean, oh, look at you.
Y-You're a wonderful man.
You're warm, you're caring.
Thank you.
I'm not finished! Ugh! I-I'm sorry.
And-and I am warm and caring, too.
That goes without saying.
You don't think I'm right about this, do you? Elyse, forgive me, but I don't think there is a right or wrong to this situation.
Well, I'm telling you, there is.
Well, I would disagree with you, but But, but, but what, what, what?! But I'm afraid to.
I don't expect you to understand, Steven.
You're a man.
(imitating Nick): Hey, uh, yeah, you're right about that, Elyse.
Us men we don't, uh we're too dumb to figure out nothing.
What's this we're sitting at? Hey, a table.
Knock it off, Steven.
I'm serious.
- See - (Steven sighs) it's different for me.
I'm a woman.
Duh.
What's a woman? I'm telling you.
(normal voice): Elyse, men have feelings about these things, too.
(mocking): Duh.
What's a man? All right.
All right, Elyse.
Obvious, I can't talk to you about this now.
Steven-Steven, wait, wait.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm I'm just upset and really confused.
I know you are.
I'm feeling it, too.
But you have got to talk these things out.
I know.
To communicate.
If not with him, then with me.
Let's-let's face it.
Before you know it, these kids will all be leaving home.
It'll be just you and me.
Oh, God, I'm so depressed! Once you get to know me, I'm a pretty nice guy.
Steven, I I don't mean about you and me.
I Oh, I I love you so much for putting up with me.
How can I ever thank you? Please don't kick me out of bed tonight.
I'll think about it.
(Nick chuckling) STEVEN: Well, look who's here! The permanent molar.
- Please don't bite me! - (chuckles) I won't.
I'm not that kind of tooth, Mom.
Uh, well, uh, actually, Andy, molars do bite.
I know, as I was once bitten by my cousin Davey, who, after several seasons of semipro hockey, only had molars.
Why'd he bite you, Nick? Well, I bit him.
It was a, uh, phase the whole family was going through.
- Well, why don't we go.
- Yeah.
We don't want to be late.
Alex! Yeah.
I'm ready.
I'll get my coat.
(sighs) (crowd chattering quietly) Alex, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, sure, Dad.
Uh, look, Alex, your mother is really upset.
I think it would be nice if you went over and talked to her.
(sighs): About what? About whatever it is that's bothering you two.
Look, Dad, I didn't do anything wrong, okay? If anything, she should be talking to me.
Look, Alex.
Alex, please.
I've found that in dealing with your mother in situations like this, doesn't matter who's right or wrong.
I always apologize.
Works like crazy.
Fine, Dad.
- Then you apologize.
- (sighs) Alex, why do you have to be so stubborn? Why does she have to be so stubborn? I asked her.
She answered, "Why do you have to be so stubborn?" What'd you say? I just apologized.
Dad, I appreciate what you're trying to do here.
I just don't feel like I have anything to say to her.
Alex, this is so frustrating.
You're just like your mother.
Good evening, everyone.
Would you all please take your seats? Thank you.
I think there are some over here.
Great.
The Greenvale Elementary School would like to welcome you this evening to our production of The Whole Tooth and Nothing but the Tooth.
(applause) Watch out, teeth.
Here come the sweets.
You can get cavities from those kind of treats.
- (whooping) - Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble Don't eat sweets or I'll turn brown.
Remember to brush me up and down.
We can walk on coals and have ninjas fight us, but be sure (whispers): Shh, Nick.
Another good checkup.
No cavities! KIDS: Yay! (applause) Miss Van Gelder's first grade class.
Weren't they darling? Gosh, they grow up so fast.
And now let's welcome Mrs.
Rabino's second grade class, who will show us a day in the life of a baby tooth.
(applause) Hi.
I'm a baby tooth.
I've been here a long time, and I think I'm getting loose.
Soon it'll be time for me to go! ALEX: Soon it's gonna be time for me to go.
Well, looks like it's time for me to go.
Sure wish I could get out of here.
I got to be on Wall Street by 9:00.
Tooth Fairy, come and get me.
Alex, what's the hurry? Mom, you know, I don't think you realize how valuable I am in the outside world.
Under a pillow, I'm worth as much as 25 cents.
Even more on the open market.
But, honey, there's so much to talk about.
I got to go, Mom.
A permanent tooth is breathing down my neck.
Besides I kind of get the feeling maybe you don't want me around anymore.
Of course I want you around.
What You're my little baby tooth! Then how come you yelled at me yesterday? Oh, I didn't mean to.
I was angry.
I-I didn't know what I was saying.
I got to go, Mommy.
Will you come back and visit me? I can't be flying all over the country for you.
Listen to me.
Alex? Alex! Alex! (keys clink) Mm.
Alex, you forgot to pack your tie.
Well, it's not like you don't have others.
Actually, with all your ties, it's hard to believe you've only got one neck.
Hi.
Hi.
Why didn't you, uh, go out for ice cream with the others? Just didn't feel like it.
I didn't feel like it either.
Well, I'll get out of your way.
Wait a minute, Mom.
I can't take this anymore.
What did I do to make you so upset at me? Nothing.
Nothing, honey.
I'm sorry.
It's-it's me.
It's-it's all me.
I-I just Just what? (sighs) Mom, we got to talk about this.
I mean, I'm not leaving home like this.
What's going on? W It's-it's not it's not that I don't-don't want you to be happy.
It's it's not that I don't want you to-to be successful and have everything you want.
I mean, I do.
I-I want you to be happy.
I I just Just what? Well, if if I could keep you in this house forever, I would.
(sighs) I-I don't know what to say to that, Mom.
Oh.
(chuckles) Nothing to say to that.
Why? What do you say to that? Uh, it's a crazy thing to think.
It's a crazy thing for a mother to think.
I mean I mean, I know what-what I-I should be doing.
I sh-should've washed your clothes and packed your bags and made you a cake, given you a hug and send you on your way.
And damn it, that's what I was planning to do! Mm, I-I just, I just couldn't do it.
See, Mom this isn't all about you.
I'm-I'm the one who's going out there.
I'm the one who's rushing into God knows what.
All my life, I've planned for this moment.
Alex P.
Keaton.
Brilliant young financial executive.
I mean, that's who I'm supposed to be, right? What if I don't make it? What if it doesn't work out? And I'm finished, Mom.
I mean, that's it.
It was all about nothing.
And that scares the hell out of me, and I don't understand why-why you can't understand that.
I understand it, Alex.
You're scared.
But you're always scared or worried or nervous about things, and But you always come out on top.
Things always work out for you.
Well, that's great, Mom.
Is-is there something wrong with that? I don't, I don't Do you resent that? No.
No, I-I don't resent that.
What I do resent is the callous joy you seem to be taking in leaving this house.
Look, I don't know what you're talking about.
- W-Wait, I'm not finished! - Here you go again.
'Cause, see, if it were me leaving this family, I wouldn't be going, "Bye-bye! Bye-bye! (kisses) Bye-bye! Kiss, kiss, kiss.
I love you! I'm going off to my new life!" Ah, start spreading the news, I'm leaving today! 'Cause if it were me if it were me, it would break my heart! It would tear me up! Well, don't you know how hard it is for me?! I mean, don't you know how hard it is for me to walk out that door? Every time I've left this house, I've always come back, but this is it, Mom.
And everybody else seems to understand how hard that is for me.
Everybody else has been real supportive Dad, Jen, Mal, even Andy but not you! Damn it, why can't you be happy for me?! You're my mother! Yeah.
I'm your mother.
I'm Alex Keaton's mother.
That's what this is all about.
Okay, so we've established that you're my mother.
See, you don't, you don't seem to understand what it's like for me.
See, I feel like I'm standing on something real high and looking down at all the pieces of my life, and I can see who I am.
And I see this this very big part of me that makes me who I am I see that part breaking away.
And I know that it's right, and I know it's supposed to happen, but I don't want to let go.
(sighs) You're not, you're not gonna lose me, Mom.
I mean, there's a lot of big changes ahead, but you're still my mother.
You know, I'm still Alex Keaton.
I'm still Elyse Keaton's son.
That's right.
It's not such a bad job, huh? (Alex laughs) Are you kidding me? I got the best mom around.
Remember when I was a little kid, and, uh and you'd come and pick me up at the playground? (Elyse chuckles) Know what the other kids said? The other kids would say, "There goes Alex's mom.
What a knockout.
" (laughs) Go on.
Mom, you-you were the hippest, coolest, classiest, best-looking mom around.
Go on.
No, better than that I had a mom that'd always listen to me.
Anything that was bothering me, I could talk to her about.
Until this week.
Far enough.
I'm sorry.
You know what this makes me think of? All those times when your father and I would go to open house at night at your school, and we'd sit in your classroom.
And I'd-I'd hear these-these mothers come in, and they'd go, "Oh, that's Alex Keaton's mother.
Now, he's the smart one that the other kids won't play with.
" (both chuckle) And I'd-I'd get upset.
I'd think, I'm not just Alex Keaton's mother.
I'm Elyse Keaton.
I'm an individual.
I'm-I'm a person in my own right.
And then I'd-I'd just stop, and I'd think, I love being Alex Keaton's mother.
(chuckles) It's not such a bad job, is it? It has its moments.
Well, I should let you get some sleep, honey.
You've got an early flight to catch.
Hey, Mom, listen, um, you know, it could be pretty crazy in the morning, so if I don't get a chance to say this to you, I want to say it to you now: I'm gonna miss you so much.
Honey, I'm gonna miss you, too.
I'm glad you're Alex Keaton's mother.
Um, who am I kidding? I'm not gonna sleep tonight.
Uh, why don't we go downstairs to the kitchen, and-and you can buy me a cup of coffee.
Well, on your salary, you better be buying.
(both grunt softly) No, Mom.
Michele Briganti was not my first girlfriend.
Ana Krewson was my first girlfriend.
No, no Ana Krewson, um, beat you up in the back of the Little League field.
No, see, that was Michele Briganti.
You're wrong.
So, what, do you want to bet, Mom? How much do you want to bet? Dollar.
A dollar? Pshaw! All right, five dollars.
No, it's too much.
A dollar.
- It's a bet.
- Okay.
Hey, Dad, Dad, settle a bet.
Hey, Dad! (sniffs) We can walk on coals or have ninjas fight us but be sure not to get gingivitis.
(mumbles) (grunting) (panting): Alex.
Elyse.
I-I I was having a nightmare.
I dreamt I was Nick.
(grunts) How did I get here? Well, uh, about m-midnight, you came down to sit and have coffee with me and Alex, and we were having coffee, so you went to the refrigerator to get some cream, and you just, you just never made it back.
Oh.
Oh.
Cream, anyone? It's yogurt now, Dad.
Oh, wow, it's 7:15.
Cab should be here any minute.
Alex, uh, look, are-are you sure you don't want us to drive you to the airport? Oh, no, Dad.
This is on, uh, O'Brien, Mathers & Clark's expense account.
Come to think of it, I may even tip the driver this time.
- (sighs) - Morning, Andy.
You want some breakfast? Coffee, black, two sugars, and step on it.
This is ridiculous.
I mean, farmers don't even get up this early.
Come on, everybody, let's have a little spirit.
Alex is leaving.
Let's just give him a big, energetic Keaton send-off, okay? Well, looks like we're the only ones with any stamina around here, Mom.
These namby-pambies have nothing on us.
Nah, you tired? No, I'm fine, Jennifer.
Hello.
Hi.
So you're leaving today, huh? That's right, Mal.
This is our last morning in this kitchen together as housemates.
Mm.
Next time we see each other, a new phase of our lives will have begun.
I'll be able to buy and sell you.
Drop me a line.
(car horn honks outside) Oh, there's my cab.
STEVEN: Oh.
Oh, so, uh I guess this is it, huh? The big send-off.
Uh, yeah.
Listen, uh, I-I don't need any big send-off.
I-I really couldn't take a big, emotional scene right now, so, um, why don't we just take our leave in a manner befitting uh, the youngest (clears throat) executive at O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.
Dad.
Well, in that spirit, good-bye, son.
Good-bye, Dad.
Remember, you still owe me $74.
50.
Mom.
It's been fun.
A million laughs.
Pleasure working with you.
Thanks.
See ya, pal.
Hey, send me the picture of the first guy you step on as you climb up the corporate ladder.
You got it.
Uh, just tell her I've gone, and you don't know where I am.
Oh, hey.
Hey, the I wanted to give you something.
(chuckles) Be surprised what a little splash of color will do.
Hey, whoever called for the cab, the meter's running.
Uh, yeah, that's me.
You know, I like the red.
It makes you look like somebody.
Aha.
Uh well.
Guess this is it.
Bye.
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- JENNIFER: Bye.
- ANDY: Bye.
- Adios.
- (chuckles) - Bye.
See you later.
- Bye, now.
- Safe trip.
- I'll call you guys.
- We'll be talking to you.
- We'll be talking to you.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye, Alex.
- Bye.
(sighing) I love you guys.
- Aw.
- Aw, honey.
For the very last time, we'll be introducing the, uh, cast of Family Ties.
Courteney Cox! (crowd cheering) Scott Valentine! Marc Price! Brian Bonsall! (Mark and Scott hooting) Tina Yothers! Justine Bateman! Michael J.
Fox! Michael Gross! - Hey.
- Hey! Hey.
And Meredith Baxter-Birney! Ladies and gentlemen, Gary David Goldberg.
Thanks for for seven wonderful years.
(cheering continues) - Bye.
- Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye.
Good-bye.
We love you all.
Good-bye, Family Ties.
We sure had some good times.
Hope to see y'all again.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
(laughs) Good-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye, everybody.
I love you guys.
Never say good-bye.
Bye.
Good-bye, everybody.
I'm really gonna miss you, and I love you.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Good-bye, everyone.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye.
I don't want to have to say good-bye.
- Good-bye, everyone.
- Bye, everybody.
ALL: Good-bye.
Bye, everybody.
Good-bye, Family Ties.
Be sure and write.
Good-bye and thank you.
Good-bye, everyone.
Bye.
Bye, Gary.
- Take care.
- I had a lot of fun.
Bye.
Thank you.
It is good-bye, but I carry you here.
Good-bye, everyone.
Thank you all very much.
Good-bye.
Hasta luego.
Good-bye, Family Ties.
It was fun.
Bye, everybody at Family Ties.
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
Good-bye, dear friends.
- Bye.
- Good-bye.
Good-bye.
- Bye.
Good-bye.
Thank you.
This has been great.
Never happen again.
Not even gonna look for it.
Bye.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)
Okay.
"We're going to the dentist, we'll be there in a while.
He's really not a menace, he's there to help us smile.
" "He'll clean your teeth and make them white.
"Your mouth will look like new.
"He'll check your gums, he'll fix your bite, "and afterwards, if you didn't cry, your mom and dad can take you to the zoo.
" I'm not so sure about this rhyme, Andy.
Who who wrote this? - My teacher.
- It's very good.
It's very, very good.
Hey.
What are you guys reading? Well, it's a school play about dental hygiene.
Andy got one of the lead roles.
Ooh.
Are you playing the dentist? I'm the permanent molar.
Oh.
That's very good! That's how Marlon Brando got his start.
I remember I was in a dental hygiene play in, uh, second grade.
We did our production of Annie Get Your Gums.
(Steven chuckles) I-I played the ingenue.
I was, uh Jamie Lee Dental Floss.
I still remember my line.
(Southern accent): I'm gonna get between you two molars if it's the last thing I do! (making squeaking noises) Mommy, help! Jamie Lee, stop being dental floss.
You're scaring your brother.
(Steven laughs) Alex isn't here yet, is he? No.
No, not yet.
Good, he's been driving me crazy lately.
Jennifer, you've got to be a little more patient with Alex.
He's really worried about whether or not he's gonna get this job.
O'Brien, Mathers & Clark is one of the biggest investment banking firms on Wall Street.
This is the big time.
Or, as Alex so lovingly puts it, his "ticket out of this dump.
" All right, I understand his anxiety, but-but we live here, too.
I mean, I can't believe he won't let us use the phone just because he's expecting a call from-from O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.
Well, he's not here now.
There's no reason you can't use the phone.
Oh, yeah? (siren blaring) ALEX (recorded): Mallory, put down the phone.
I repeat, Mallory, put down the phone.
- (siren stops) - That's better.
This has been a public service announcement.
And let me tell you, that's not the worst part about this whole New York thing.
He's acting like he lives there already.
Yesterday, I went to get in the car, he throws open the car door, throws me out, and says, "Find your own cab, pal.
" Well, yeah, all right, look, I-I'm sure once Alex hears about this job and hopefully gets it everything will be fine around here.
Well, I hope so, because if I hear one more word about New York, I'm gonna scream.
Start spreading the news (screams) I'm leaving today You've been a wonderful sister.
I'm gonna be a part of it Get yourself a little something New York, New York Alex, that's wonderful.
Yes! Why are you congratulating him, Dad? He didn't sing it that well.
No, Mallory, he got the, he got the job.
You did get the job, didn't you? Because you really didn't sing it that well.
- I got the job! - Oh, Alex, great, great! Yes! Yes! Did you hear that, Mom? I'm gonna be the youngest executive in the history of O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.
Mom, I am gonna be rich.
(laughs): That's wonderful.
I'm so excited for you.
Yeah, we hate to admit it, too, Alex, but we're excited for you.
Thank you, thank you.
You have something for me? Thank you.
Yeah, we're excited for you.
How rich? Well, Mal, you know how much money Nick is gonna make in his entire lifetime? I should pass him by Thursday.
Well, at least you're staying humble.
Come on, Dad, it's hard to be humble when you are gonna make $75,000 a year.
Alex, that is a lot of money it's very impressive but don't forget to ask this question: Will it bring you fulfillment? Dad, it'll bring it it'll clean it and it'll have it pressed for me in the morning.
I can't believe this.
This is a culmination of all my dreams.
I'm gonna be winging to Gotham, I'm gonna be hobnobbing with the bigwigs.
I mean, lunch at the plaza, date with a different Rockette every night.
Well, just don't get them mad, 'cause they could kick the hell out of you.
So I guess this means you'll be moving to New York.
Well, of course I'll be moving to New York, Mom.
That, uh that, uh, Columbus-to-Manhattan commute is really a bear.
So, so when will you go? In the fall? The f Mom, get real; the fall? They got me.
They know what they got; they want me next week.
I mean, would you wait until the fall to get me? Well, Alex, that's not enough time.
We have to get your plane ticket No, done, paid for.
We have to get you a place to live.
Done, paid for.
Well, sheets, towels, pillowcases.
Done.
Taking yours.
Well, Alex, that's just not right.
I mean, don't they understand, this really isn't enough time.
Oh, wait, Mom, Mom, if-if they want him there in a week, I'm sure we can get him out of here in a week.
That's right, Mom.
Alex, I'll be happy to help you pack.
You want to start now? Girl, girls, girls, girls.
Now, you're being very cavalier about this, but, uh, let's face it, I mean, someday, you're gonna miss me.
We know that.
We already miss him.
(laughs) We're just simply saying that if you want to start packing now, then you want what we want.
STEVEN: Look, look, look.
Let's not, uh, let's not rush this.
This is a moment to be relished.
Alex, we're all very proud of you.
Thanks, Dad.
Kind of like to savor this moment myself.
(sighs) I can't believe it.
Alex is finally leaving the nest, huh? Sprouting wings, flying out on your own, huh? Journeying beyond the borders of Keaton Land to the uncharted regions of the unknown.
(whispers): Flying against the wind.
Fighting the odds.
Uh, Dad, Dad, we could've had him out of here by now.
Alex, you okay up there? You need any help with your stuff? No, it's okay, Dad, I can manage.
(whistles) Come on, Jen, let's go.
Chop-chop.
Haven't got all day.
Alex, I can't do this.
Alex, she can't carry all that stuff.
That's right, your sister is not a Grand Canyon mule.
Thanks for noticing, Dad.
Look, Jen, come on, one more trip.
All you got left is the dresser.
Alex, I can't physically do this.
(mocking): "I can't physically do this.
" Come on, do you want me to live here for the rest of my life? I'll get that dresser.
Maybe things will smooth out if I supervise.
Yeah, go on up there, Mom.
There's a load up there for you, too.
(quietly): Ow.
Alex.
Dad.
- Come here, come here.
- What? (chuckles) Anything you want to ask me about, uh, life? As a young man on his own for the first time.
Not really, Dad, no.
Well, it's just been there's been a fine tradition of father-son farewell discussions in the Keaton family.
You may remember what my father said to me as I left to venture out into the world.
"Get out and take your brother with you"? Well, I don't remember the exact words.
But the important thing is the sentiment.
Passing of advice from one generation to the other, and, uh, well I'd like to do the same thing for you, my son.
Thanks, Dad.
Uh, all right, well, what advice did your father give you? Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
If you swallow an apple seed an apple tree will grow in your stomach.
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.
Your mother and I have done our job well.
Now, Alex (sighs) Alex, when you get to the big city, you're gonna be walking down the street and some woman may sashay up to you dressed in some sort of provocative and scanty garb.
You mean Aunt Miriam still lives in New York? No, Alex, these woman are even friendlier than Aunt Miriam.
Dad, uh thanks for your advice.
Try and keep it in mind.
You know, Alex, you and I have disagreed on, well almost everything, uh but one thing I've always admired about you is your passion for what you believe in.
Now, look, when you get into the business world, there's gonna be a lot of pressure on you to compromise your beliefs.
But, Alex don't lose your passion.
More importantly don't lose your keys.
I'm gonna miss you, Dad.
Gonna miss you, too.
(grunts) Listen, hey, uh, one more thing.
Uh-huh? - Uh, this is for you.
No, no.
- Aw, Dad, Dad Listen, this is, this is Come on, come on, you take that, you take that.
Look, now, this is it's just a little something to get you started in life.
Your mother and I want you to have it.
Dad (Steven sighs) $200, Dad.
I-I know.
Now you only owe me $74.
50.
- Alex? - ALEX: Yeah? I found this in one of the boxes in your bedroom.
Were you just gonna take it? Uh, yeah, well I'm sorry, I was, I was gonna ask you can I have it.
It's, um it's got a lot of sentimental value for me.
It's my favorite picture of you, me and Dad.
Well, fine, sure.
Take it, it's okay.
Well, hey, if you're gonna be that way about it, I don't want it.
You take it.
No, no, I've got a million pictures.
Uh, I don't need it, you take it.
Mom, believe me, it's no big deal, one way or the other.
You want it or not? Hey, look, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you keep it, get a copy made, you bring it to New York when you come visit me.
Well, Alex, um, we're not just gonna be flying all over the country for you, you know.
What's the matter with Mom? Oh, you know her.
She hates to fly.
Hi, Jen.
What the hell are you doing? Me? Well, um Well, you know, you, um S-Since you're leaving soon, I just wanted to see your room the way you like to keep it once more.
Ah.
It's very nice.
How do you explain the tape measure? The tape measure? Mm.
Well, um I'm taking wood shop in school.
Uh-huh.
And I was gonna surprise you with a new floor.
Well, sorry to spoil your surprise, Jen.
Okay, I admit it, Alex.
(sighs) I-I was gonna bring my stereo in here and turn this into a music room after you leave.
I'm sor A music room, Jen? I've calculated the national debt in this room.
And you're gonna play the devil's music in here? Jen, I'm shocked.
I am shocked no, I'm dismayed.
No, this room is gonna stay exactly as it is.
It's gonna be a It's gonna be a shrine.
It's gonna be a shrine to me.
And after I'm gone, you put up the little velvet ropes.
You can bring on the tour buses and charge a buck a head.
Great.
In two years, we'll be able to buy an ice cream cone.
N-No actual ice cream, just the cone.
Huh.
No, Jen, I'm telling you, people are gonna line up just to see this autographed picture of Nixon.
Oh, the picture of Nixon I'm sorry, I completely forgot.
We're gonna have to get valet parking now.
You know, Jen, you always surprise me.
How can you be so politically naive, being as smart as you are? I mean, Jen, you're almost as smart as I am.
(chuckles softly) Well, Alex, you know, since you're leaving soon, I can break this to you.
I'm smarter than you are.
Obviously, my imminent departure has clouded your excellent but slightly inferior mind.
No, I'm smarter than you, Alex.
Try me.
(laughs): Oh, come on.
Jen, I'm not gonna try you.
of what number? You have five minutes; take your time.
That's close.
Exactly.
Annoying.
But interesting.
All I want to know, Jen, is what good is that gonna do you as you stroll through the third most populous city in Tanzania purchasing its three major exports? Well, it would give me pause for thought as I strolled through downtown Zanzibar with an armful of cotton, coffee and sisal.
That is such a lucky guess.
You know, Alex, to be fair, you did teach me everything I know.
Uh-huh.
Never do that again.
Why don't we just call it a tie? I mean, the most important part about it is you've always been there for me.
Tutoring me, pushing me to do better, to achieve everything that I could possibly achieve.
And I thank you for that.
Thanks, Jen.
So, I guess the question is what use are you gonna put all that knowledge to? Well, I was thinking of going to law school, maybe becoming an anti-trust attorney, and possibly putting you in jail in a few years.
Hang on to your dreams, Jen.
I think I'll go now.
Feel much more comfortable measuring your room after you move out.
You're a sensitive gal.
(whistling) (grunts) - Hey, Mallory.
- (gasps) (laughs) What are you doing? (panting) Me? Uh Well with you leaving and everything, um I was feeling nostalgic, so You're measuring it for a music room.
No.
Sewing.
No way.
Oh, come on, Alex.
What do you want us to do? Put up little velvet ropes when you're gone and keep it as a shrine? What kind of a pompous fool do you take me for? Oh, forget it.
You know what, Alex? No.
What, Mal? I guess I'm really proud of you.
I mean, I am.
I am.
I'm very proud of you.
Thanks, Mal.
That means a lot to me.
I mean (sighs) I don't know anything about what it is that you do.
But I know that you do it really well.
And I think it's terrific the way you went out and-and got what you wanted.
Whatever that is.
And I mean that.
Well, Mal, I'm proud of you.
And I mean that.
Really? 'Cause sometimes I feel like you don't have respect for what I do.
Oh, Mal.
Come on, your fashion designs? You're brilliant.
- (chuckles) - I mean, you're very talented.
(giggles) Well, thank you.
Thanks for noticing.
Now that you're leaving, I want to talk to you about something.
What's that? Your overcoat.
Don't get mushy on me, Mal.
You've got to promise me that when you get to New York, you will buy a new one this one's too stuffy.
Well, Mal, I-I'm going to work for O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.
They like stuffy.
Their president's name is Bob "Stuffy" O'Brien.
Alex, you got to listen to me.
Give this one to Mr.
Stuffy and start fresh.
And when you're on Wall Street, and you're wearing one of those, uh, one of your boring, black, three-piece pinstripe suits, add a little splash of color somewhere.
A red handkerchief or a rose or-or a little button that says, "I'm really not this dull.
" I'm gonna miss you, Mal.
I know.
Well, I'll be the next one to move out, Alex.
I hope I'm as successful as you are.
I mean, in fashion.
Not in whatever it is that you do.
I'll warm up New York for you, Mal.
(Mallory chuckles) Oh, excuse me, Alex.
I didn't know you're in here.
Oh, get down here, get down here.
All right.
Whoa, whoa.
- All right.
- (grunts) Hey, we got it.
We got it! We got it! I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm stuck! - Who's stuck? - Well, I don't know, - maybe it's me.
- (Alex groans) No, I-I'm fine.
All right, then it must be me.
(groaning loudly) Nice work, gentlemen.
(grunts) Okay.
(grunts) Now to the matter of money.
I believe there was a a fee discussed for this job.
Uh, well, gee, Alex, all I can really afford to give you is a dollar and a quarter.
We'll call it even, Skip.
Hey, uh, you know, Alex this place ain't gonna be the same without you here.
I mean, when I come over to talk to you, you ain't gonna be here.
Won't affect our conversation any.
No, Alex, he's right.
We are really gonna miss you.
Y-You've been my best friend ever since you moved in across the street 18 years ago.
You're-you're like a big brother to me.
You've taught me everything I know about life, love, romance.
The fact that I still don't have a girlfriend and people won't even talk to me on the 976 party line that doesn't change my feelings about you.
Well, Skippy, it's been a pleasure knowing you.
You're truly one of the most unique people I've ever met.
Oh.
Alex, don't go.
Come on, Skippy, get a grip.
Oh, please, Alex, don't go! This is really beautiful.
Excuse me.
(groans) Skippy.
Come on.
Come on, Skippy! Come on.
Look, guys, guys, get it together here, will you? Look, it's not like you're never gonna see me again.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true, Alex.
I mean, I am gonna be your brother-in-law one day.
Let's not jump the gun here, Nick.
I mean, I mean, you haven't even asked her yet, so there's still a good possibility that we're not gonna be related.
(Nick clears throat) Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey, Alex, you know, I've been thinking about it a lot.
I got the whole proposal planned out, you know? Yeah, uh, how about I show you how I'm gonna do it? I'd rather not see this.
No, no, no.
You know, I really want you to hear.
That way, in case I screw anything up, you can tell me, all right? Uh Skip, you be Mallory.
Okay.
I can do that.
Just stop me before I throw me out of the house.
(clears throat) Mallory I've been thinking.
We've been together now for quite some time, and, uh, I've really grown quite attached to you.
I've watched you blossom into a beautiful young woman.
My, is it getting warm in here? This is like the nuthouse version of Romeo and Juliet.
When I see you on the back of my bike, your lustrous hair blowing in the breeze it just makes me realize how very much in love with you I am.
And it just makes me want to sing one of my favorite love songs.
Here she comes Uh, just a-walkin' down the street Singing do-wah diddy Diddy-dum, diddy-do I think the key word here is "dumb.
" What I mean is Skippy will you marry me? Yes.
It's the best offer I've had in months.
Oh! (both sigh) Okay.
I now pronounce you idiot and wife.
There's a champagne reception in the kitchen.
This is the happiest day of my life.
Oh, Nick, this is all so sudden! (Nick chuckles) This is the happiest day in my life, too.
(doorbell rings) Hi.
- Hey, Lauren.
- Hi.
- How you doing? - Good.
- I heard you were leaving.
- Oh, yeah.
So I stopped by a bakery to get you a going-away cake, but they didn't have any, so I got you this going-away muffin instead.
(Alex chuckles) I even had them write a message on it.
Well, that's-that's real sweet, Lauren.
Thanks.
Well, it was supposed to say, "Good luck in the Big Apple, Alex," but that's all they could fit.
Well, I think "goo" pretty much covers it.
Mm.
Look, I can't stay long.
I just wanted to wish you all the best in New York.
Thanks.
So I guess you're finally gonna get your wish.
You're gonna be rich.
$75,000 a year.
Hey, you heard.
Yeah, well, skywriting is a very effective medium.
Not to mention the radio ads.
Alex Keaton, 75 grand.
Everybody, can I have your attention, please? Appearing tomorrow only at the Greenvale Grammar School, I'd like to introduce to you someone who is very important in all of our lives and a very special guy in his own right everyone, let's meet and greet Andrew, the human molar! - (applause) - NICK: Hey! - STEVEN: Oh! JENNIFER: Oh, boy! Don't eat sweets or I'll turn brown.
Remember to brush me up and down.
- Yay.
- That's terrific, honey.
- This costume - Let me see.
Yeah.
I was so touched by it, I wrote one for myself.
Um we can walk on coals and have ninjas fight us, but be sure not to get gingivitis.
Hey, this is great, sweetheart.
We're gonna have a good time coming to see you at your play.
Hey, hey, hey, all right, come on.
Let's go upstairs, Andy, all right? Let's get that costume off, get ready for dinner.
I have a good idea.
Why don't we go out for pizza, okay, and celebrate Andy learning his lines.
JENNIFER: Yeah.
Also, 'cause I forgot to get anything out for dinner.
- All right, all right.
- (sighs) (whistling "New York, New York") Well, are you coming? We're all going out for some pizza.
Ah, pizza.
Uh, no, that sounds great, Mom, but I got a lot of important stuff I got to do tonight.
What stuff? I-I you know, kind of packing up and moving to the Big Apple kind of stuff.
I got to, uh, I got to call my landlord and make sure he got my deposit check.
I got to make sure the electricity's turned on.
I got to call Mayor Koch about that key to the city thing.
Well, you know, it's only gonna take us an hour to eat.
Can't you make the calls later? Uh, Ma, I'd just feel a little more comfortable if I got it done tonight.
Okay, fine.
What? Is-is there a problem with that? No, no, that's fine.
Forget it.
Mom, what's-what's the matter with you? I said, nothing.
Look, this is a very big deal here.
I'm-I'm not just going across the street.
I'm picking my whole life up, and I'm taking it to New York.
I swear that's all I hear lately.
"New York! New York!" Well, maybe you've been listening to a little too much Sinatra, Mom.
Wonderfully funny, Alex.
What is going on with you, Mom? Ever since I got this job, you're treating me like I'm not a member of this family.
A member of this family would be going out for pizza, because that's what the family is doing tonight.
I can't believe what I'm hearing! I have some important things to do tonight.
Why is that so hard to understand? What I don't understand is the way you've been acting ever since this whole job business started.
All right, Mom, fine.
Okay, why don't you just tell me how I've been acting.
Like an ungrateful, arrogant, selfish, insufferable little boy who doesn't have any time for his family now that he's become such a big shot.
(scoffs softly) Well, if that's the way you feel about it, Mom, that's your problem.
No, no, Alex, that is your problem.
No, that's your problem.
Is there a problem? Alex refuses to go out for pizza.
Yeah, that's right, I do.
Call the pizza cops, haul me away.
Well, you guys don't have to argue.
I mean, you know, we can go out for Chinese food.
I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
You shouldn't listen to this woman.
She's being completely irrational! Hey, hey, hey, don't talk to me that way.
All right, hol-hold on.
Hold on there, Alex.
I mean, Alex, you're really forgetting something real fast, you know? We have been there for you financially and emotionally.
- We put a roof over your head - Oh.
And food on your plate for 22 years! All right, okay, all right.
Is that what this is about? It's about thank you? Well, thank you, Mom.
Thank you, Dad.
But guess what.
I don't need your food anymore.
And I don't need your roof.
You know, I'm not waiting till next week to leave.
I'm gonna stay, I'm gonna watch Andy's play tomorrow night, and then I'm out of here the next morning! Hi, honey.
Hi.
How was your day? Well, I was kind of tired.
As you know, I didn't get much sleep last night.
It's not my fault.
Well, I believe it was you who kicked me out of bed four times during the night yelling, "Is that any way to treat your mother?" I'm sorry, Steven.
I-I'm just so upset.
I mean, look, w-we're great parents, aren't we? You know, sensitive, caring, gentle.
I know.
I I'm not finished! Uh, sorry.
You were up to, uh, "gentle.
" Damn right, we're gentle! And considerate and patient.
And he he just takes it all for granted.
Elyse, there are two sides to this problem.
No, there are not.
What's the other side? Alex has a lot of pressure to deal with.
(mocking): "Oh, Alex has a lot of pressure to deal with.
" This is his first real experience away from home.
(mocking): "This is his first real experience away from home.
" Have you ever noticed a sarcastic echo in this kitchen before? Steven, Alex is going off to start a whole new life.
He is thrilled.
He is happier than he's ever been.
And he's only thinking about one person.
Not you, not me.
He's thinking about him.
He is totally and completely self-centered.
But he's always been that way.
I know, I know, but why has he always been that way? I mean, we're not that way.
Wh And he has our genes.
Why? Why aren't our genes in him, huh? I mean, oh, look at you.
Y-You're a wonderful man.
You're warm, you're caring.
Thank you.
I'm not finished! Ugh! I-I'm sorry.
And-and I am warm and caring, too.
That goes without saying.
You don't think I'm right about this, do you? Elyse, forgive me, but I don't think there is a right or wrong to this situation.
Well, I'm telling you, there is.
Well, I would disagree with you, but But, but, but what, what, what?! But I'm afraid to.
I don't expect you to understand, Steven.
You're a man.
(imitating Nick): Hey, uh, yeah, you're right about that, Elyse.
Us men we don't, uh we're too dumb to figure out nothing.
What's this we're sitting at? Hey, a table.
Knock it off, Steven.
I'm serious.
- See - (Steven sighs) it's different for me.
I'm a woman.
Duh.
What's a woman? I'm telling you.
(normal voice): Elyse, men have feelings about these things, too.
(mocking): Duh.
What's a man? All right.
All right, Elyse.
Obvious, I can't talk to you about this now.
Steven-Steven, wait, wait.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm I'm just upset and really confused.
I know you are.
I'm feeling it, too.
But you have got to talk these things out.
I know.
To communicate.
If not with him, then with me.
Let's-let's face it.
Before you know it, these kids will all be leaving home.
It'll be just you and me.
Oh, God, I'm so depressed! Once you get to know me, I'm a pretty nice guy.
Steven, I I don't mean about you and me.
I Oh, I I love you so much for putting up with me.
How can I ever thank you? Please don't kick me out of bed tonight.
I'll think about it.
(Nick chuckling) STEVEN: Well, look who's here! The permanent molar.
- Please don't bite me! - (chuckles) I won't.
I'm not that kind of tooth, Mom.
Uh, well, uh, actually, Andy, molars do bite.
I know, as I was once bitten by my cousin Davey, who, after several seasons of semipro hockey, only had molars.
Why'd he bite you, Nick? Well, I bit him.
It was a, uh, phase the whole family was going through.
- Well, why don't we go.
- Yeah.
We don't want to be late.
Alex! Yeah.
I'm ready.
I'll get my coat.
(sighs) (crowd chattering quietly) Alex, can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, sure, Dad.
Uh, look, Alex, your mother is really upset.
I think it would be nice if you went over and talked to her.
(sighs): About what? About whatever it is that's bothering you two.
Look, Dad, I didn't do anything wrong, okay? If anything, she should be talking to me.
Look, Alex.
Alex, please.
I've found that in dealing with your mother in situations like this, doesn't matter who's right or wrong.
I always apologize.
Works like crazy.
Fine, Dad.
- Then you apologize.
- (sighs) Alex, why do you have to be so stubborn? Why does she have to be so stubborn? I asked her.
She answered, "Why do you have to be so stubborn?" What'd you say? I just apologized.
Dad, I appreciate what you're trying to do here.
I just don't feel like I have anything to say to her.
Alex, this is so frustrating.
You're just like your mother.
Good evening, everyone.
Would you all please take your seats? Thank you.
I think there are some over here.
Great.
The Greenvale Elementary School would like to welcome you this evening to our production of The Whole Tooth and Nothing but the Tooth.
(applause) Watch out, teeth.
Here come the sweets.
You can get cavities from those kind of treats.
- (whooping) - Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble Don't eat sweets or I'll turn brown.
Remember to brush me up and down.
We can walk on coals and have ninjas fight us, but be sure (whispers): Shh, Nick.
Another good checkup.
No cavities! KIDS: Yay! (applause) Miss Van Gelder's first grade class.
Weren't they darling? Gosh, they grow up so fast.
And now let's welcome Mrs.
Rabino's second grade class, who will show us a day in the life of a baby tooth.
(applause) Hi.
I'm a baby tooth.
I've been here a long time, and I think I'm getting loose.
Soon it'll be time for me to go! ALEX: Soon it's gonna be time for me to go.
Well, looks like it's time for me to go.
Sure wish I could get out of here.
I got to be on Wall Street by 9:00.
Tooth Fairy, come and get me.
Alex, what's the hurry? Mom, you know, I don't think you realize how valuable I am in the outside world.
Under a pillow, I'm worth as much as 25 cents.
Even more on the open market.
But, honey, there's so much to talk about.
I got to go, Mom.
A permanent tooth is breathing down my neck.
Besides I kind of get the feeling maybe you don't want me around anymore.
Of course I want you around.
What You're my little baby tooth! Then how come you yelled at me yesterday? Oh, I didn't mean to.
I was angry.
I-I didn't know what I was saying.
I got to go, Mommy.
Will you come back and visit me? I can't be flying all over the country for you.
Listen to me.
Alex? Alex! Alex! (keys clink) Mm.
Alex, you forgot to pack your tie.
Well, it's not like you don't have others.
Actually, with all your ties, it's hard to believe you've only got one neck.
Hi.
Hi.
Why didn't you, uh, go out for ice cream with the others? Just didn't feel like it.
I didn't feel like it either.
Well, I'll get out of your way.
Wait a minute, Mom.
I can't take this anymore.
What did I do to make you so upset at me? Nothing.
Nothing, honey.
I'm sorry.
It's-it's me.
It's-it's all me.
I-I just Just what? (sighs) Mom, we got to talk about this.
I mean, I'm not leaving home like this.
What's going on? W It's-it's not it's not that I don't-don't want you to be happy.
It's it's not that I don't want you to-to be successful and have everything you want.
I mean, I do.
I-I want you to be happy.
I I just Just what? Well, if if I could keep you in this house forever, I would.
(sighs) I-I don't know what to say to that, Mom.
Oh.
(chuckles) Nothing to say to that.
Why? What do you say to that? Uh, it's a crazy thing to think.
It's a crazy thing for a mother to think.
I mean I mean, I know what-what I-I should be doing.
I sh-should've washed your clothes and packed your bags and made you a cake, given you a hug and send you on your way.
And damn it, that's what I was planning to do! Mm, I-I just, I just couldn't do it.
See, Mom this isn't all about you.
I'm-I'm the one who's going out there.
I'm the one who's rushing into God knows what.
All my life, I've planned for this moment.
Alex P.
Keaton.
Brilliant young financial executive.
I mean, that's who I'm supposed to be, right? What if I don't make it? What if it doesn't work out? And I'm finished, Mom.
I mean, that's it.
It was all about nothing.
And that scares the hell out of me, and I don't understand why-why you can't understand that.
I understand it, Alex.
You're scared.
But you're always scared or worried or nervous about things, and But you always come out on top.
Things always work out for you.
Well, that's great, Mom.
Is-is there something wrong with that? I don't, I don't Do you resent that? No.
No, I-I don't resent that.
What I do resent is the callous joy you seem to be taking in leaving this house.
Look, I don't know what you're talking about.
- W-Wait, I'm not finished! - Here you go again.
'Cause, see, if it were me leaving this family, I wouldn't be going, "Bye-bye! Bye-bye! (kisses) Bye-bye! Kiss, kiss, kiss.
I love you! I'm going off to my new life!" Ah, start spreading the news, I'm leaving today! 'Cause if it were me if it were me, it would break my heart! It would tear me up! Well, don't you know how hard it is for me?! I mean, don't you know how hard it is for me to walk out that door? Every time I've left this house, I've always come back, but this is it, Mom.
And everybody else seems to understand how hard that is for me.
Everybody else has been real supportive Dad, Jen, Mal, even Andy but not you! Damn it, why can't you be happy for me?! You're my mother! Yeah.
I'm your mother.
I'm Alex Keaton's mother.
That's what this is all about.
Okay, so we've established that you're my mother.
See, you don't, you don't seem to understand what it's like for me.
See, I feel like I'm standing on something real high and looking down at all the pieces of my life, and I can see who I am.
And I see this this very big part of me that makes me who I am I see that part breaking away.
And I know that it's right, and I know it's supposed to happen, but I don't want to let go.
(sighs) You're not, you're not gonna lose me, Mom.
I mean, there's a lot of big changes ahead, but you're still my mother.
You know, I'm still Alex Keaton.
I'm still Elyse Keaton's son.
That's right.
It's not such a bad job, huh? (Alex laughs) Are you kidding me? I got the best mom around.
Remember when I was a little kid, and, uh and you'd come and pick me up at the playground? (Elyse chuckles) Know what the other kids said? The other kids would say, "There goes Alex's mom.
What a knockout.
" (laughs) Go on.
Mom, you-you were the hippest, coolest, classiest, best-looking mom around.
Go on.
No, better than that I had a mom that'd always listen to me.
Anything that was bothering me, I could talk to her about.
Until this week.
Far enough.
I'm sorry.
You know what this makes me think of? All those times when your father and I would go to open house at night at your school, and we'd sit in your classroom.
And I'd-I'd hear these-these mothers come in, and they'd go, "Oh, that's Alex Keaton's mother.
Now, he's the smart one that the other kids won't play with.
" (both chuckle) And I'd-I'd get upset.
I'd think, I'm not just Alex Keaton's mother.
I'm Elyse Keaton.
I'm an individual.
I'm-I'm a person in my own right.
And then I'd-I'd just stop, and I'd think, I love being Alex Keaton's mother.
(chuckles) It's not such a bad job, is it? It has its moments.
Well, I should let you get some sleep, honey.
You've got an early flight to catch.
Hey, Mom, listen, um, you know, it could be pretty crazy in the morning, so if I don't get a chance to say this to you, I want to say it to you now: I'm gonna miss you so much.
Honey, I'm gonna miss you, too.
I'm glad you're Alex Keaton's mother.
Um, who am I kidding? I'm not gonna sleep tonight.
Uh, why don't we go downstairs to the kitchen, and-and you can buy me a cup of coffee.
Well, on your salary, you better be buying.
(both grunt softly) No, Mom.
Michele Briganti was not my first girlfriend.
Ana Krewson was my first girlfriend.
No, no Ana Krewson, um, beat you up in the back of the Little League field.
No, see, that was Michele Briganti.
You're wrong.
So, what, do you want to bet, Mom? How much do you want to bet? Dollar.
A dollar? Pshaw! All right, five dollars.
No, it's too much.
A dollar.
- It's a bet.
- Okay.
Hey, Dad, Dad, settle a bet.
Hey, Dad! (sniffs) We can walk on coals or have ninjas fight us but be sure not to get gingivitis.
(mumbles) (grunting) (panting): Alex.
Elyse.
I-I I was having a nightmare.
I dreamt I was Nick.
(grunts) How did I get here? Well, uh, about m-midnight, you came down to sit and have coffee with me and Alex, and we were having coffee, so you went to the refrigerator to get some cream, and you just, you just never made it back.
Oh.
Oh.
Cream, anyone? It's yogurt now, Dad.
Oh, wow, it's 7:15.
Cab should be here any minute.
Alex, uh, look, are-are you sure you don't want us to drive you to the airport? Oh, no, Dad.
This is on, uh, O'Brien, Mathers & Clark's expense account.
Come to think of it, I may even tip the driver this time.
- (sighs) - Morning, Andy.
You want some breakfast? Coffee, black, two sugars, and step on it.
This is ridiculous.
I mean, farmers don't even get up this early.
Come on, everybody, let's have a little spirit.
Alex is leaving.
Let's just give him a big, energetic Keaton send-off, okay? Well, looks like we're the only ones with any stamina around here, Mom.
These namby-pambies have nothing on us.
Nah, you tired? No, I'm fine, Jennifer.
Hello.
Hi.
So you're leaving today, huh? That's right, Mal.
This is our last morning in this kitchen together as housemates.
Mm.
Next time we see each other, a new phase of our lives will have begun.
I'll be able to buy and sell you.
Drop me a line.
(car horn honks outside) Oh, there's my cab.
STEVEN: Oh.
Oh, so, uh I guess this is it, huh? The big send-off.
Uh, yeah.
Listen, uh, I-I don't need any big send-off.
I-I really couldn't take a big, emotional scene right now, so, um, why don't we just take our leave in a manner befitting uh, the youngest (clears throat) executive at O'Brien, Mathers & Clark.
Dad.
Well, in that spirit, good-bye, son.
Good-bye, Dad.
Remember, you still owe me $74.
50.
Mom.
It's been fun.
A million laughs.
Pleasure working with you.
Thanks.
See ya, pal.
Hey, send me the picture of the first guy you step on as you climb up the corporate ladder.
You got it.
Uh, just tell her I've gone, and you don't know where I am.
Oh, hey.
Hey, the I wanted to give you something.
(chuckles) Be surprised what a little splash of color will do.
Hey, whoever called for the cab, the meter's running.
Uh, yeah, that's me.
You know, I like the red.
It makes you look like somebody.
Aha.
Uh well.
Guess this is it.
Bye.
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- JENNIFER: Bye.
- ANDY: Bye.
- Adios.
- (chuckles) - Bye.
See you later.
- Bye, now.
- Safe trip.
- I'll call you guys.
- We'll be talking to you.
- We'll be talking to you.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye, Alex.
- Bye.
(sighing) I love you guys.
- Aw.
- Aw, honey.
For the very last time, we'll be introducing the, uh, cast of Family Ties.
Courteney Cox! (crowd cheering) Scott Valentine! Marc Price! Brian Bonsall! (Mark and Scott hooting) Tina Yothers! Justine Bateman! Michael J.
Fox! Michael Gross! - Hey.
- Hey! Hey.
And Meredith Baxter-Birney! Ladies and gentlemen, Gary David Goldberg.
Thanks for for seven wonderful years.
(cheering continues) - Bye.
- Good-bye.
Good-bye.
Bye-bye.
Good-bye.
We love you all.
Good-bye, Family Ties.
We sure had some good times.
Hope to see y'all again.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Bye.
(laughs) Good-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye, everybody.
I love you guys.
Never say good-bye.
Bye.
Good-bye, everybody.
I'm really gonna miss you, and I love you.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Good-bye, everyone.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye-bye.
I don't want to have to say good-bye.
- Good-bye, everyone.
- Bye, everybody.
ALL: Good-bye.
Bye, everybody.
Good-bye, Family Ties.
Be sure and write.
Good-bye and thank you.
Good-bye, everyone.
Bye.
Bye, Gary.
- Take care.
- I had a lot of fun.
Bye.
Thank you.
It is good-bye, but I carry you here.
Good-bye, everyone.
Thank you all very much.
Good-bye.
Hasta luego.
Good-bye, Family Ties.
It was fun.
Bye, everybody at Family Ties.
- Good-bye.
- Bye.
Good-bye, dear friends.
- Bye.
- Good-bye.
Good-bye.
- Bye.
Good-bye.
Thank you.
This has been great.
Never happen again.
Not even gonna look for it.
Bye.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)