Fawlty Towers Episode Scripts

N/A - A Touch of Class

One double room without bath for the 16th, 17th and 18th.
Yes, and if you'd be so good as to confirm by letter? Thank you so much, goodbye.
Have you made up the bill for room 12, Basil? No, I haven't yet, no.
Well, they're in a hurry, Polly says they didn't get their alarm call.
And Basil, please get that picture up, it's been there for a week.
It's been there since Monday, Sybil.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Good morning.
Friday, Sat Manuel! There is too much butter on those trays.
Que? There is too much butter on those trays.
- No, no, no, Senor! - What? Not "on those trays.
" No Sir, "Uno dos tres.
" Uno, dos, tres.
No, no.
Hay mucho burro alli! Que? Hay mucho burro alli! Ah, mantequilla! What? Que? Mantequilla.
Burro is is hee-haw.
What? Burro burro is hee-haw, hee-haw.
Manuel, por favor.
Uno momento.
Si, si, si.
What's the matter, Basil? Nothing, dear, I'm just dealing with it.
He speak good how do you say? English! Mantequilla, solamente, dos.
Dos? Well, don't look at me, you're supposed to be able to speak it.
Two pieces! Two each! Arriba, arriba! I don't know why you wanted to hire him, Basil.
Because he's cheap and keen to learn, dear.
And in this day and age such But why did you say you could speak the language? I learned classical Spanish, not the strange dialect he seems to have picked up.
It'd be quicker to train a monkey.
Good morning, Miss Gatsby.
Morning, Miss Tibbs.
Good morning, good morning.
- Basil! - Yes, dear? Are you going to hang the picture? - Yes I am, dear.
- When? When I've- when I've Well, why don't you do it now? Well, I'm doing this, dear, I'm doing the menu.
You've got all morning to do the menu.
Why don't you hang the picture now? - Well? - Yes, all right, I don't think you realize how long it takes to do the menu, it doesn't matter, I'll hang the picture now.
If the menus are late for lunch, it doesn't matter, the guests can look at the picture till they are ready, right? Lower.
Up a bit.
- There! - Thank you, dear.
I don't know where I'd be without you.
In the land of the living, probably.
Yes? Uh, could we have our bill please? Well, can you wait a minute? Right, I'm afraid we're a bit late for our train, we didn't get our alarm call.
I was up at 5:00, you know, we do have staff problems, I'm so sorry, it's not all done by magic.
Basil, are you doing the menu? No, I'm not doing the menu, dear.
I am doing the bill for these charming people who are in a hurry.
I'm sorry to cause all this trouble, but the reason we're late is we didn't get our alarm call.
Oh, dear, I am sorry.
Basil, why didn't they get their alarm call? Because I forgot.
I am so sorry I am not perfect! There you are, there's the bill.
Perhaps you'd pay my wife, I have to put the picture up If there aren't any dustbins to be cleaned out Newspapers! Goodbye.
See you again! Don't forget the picture, Basil.
I won't, dear, leave it to me.
I'm going out now.
I expect it to up when I come back.
Drive carefully, dear.
Good morning, Major.
Morning, Fawlty.
I do apologize for the tardiness of the arrival of your newspaper this morning, Major.
I will speak to them again, see if something can be done.
Ah, more strikes.
Dustmen, post office It makes you want to cry, doesn't it? What's happened to the old idea of doing something for your fellow man, of service? - I mean, today - Mr.
Fawlty? Yes, I'm coming! Wait a moment! They treat you like dirt, you know? Of course it's pure ignorance, but with the class of guests one gets nowadays Ah! D'olivera made a hundred! Did he? Did he really? Good for him, good old dolly.
Well, well, well Thank you, Polly.
We're only staying till Sunday! Right, thank you.
Ah, I thought you were going out, dear.
What's this? I decided, Sybil, to advertise.
How much did it cost? Oh, I haven't 15? - Forty.
- Forty.
I have told you where we advertise.
Sybil, I know the hotel business.
No you don't, Basil.
Sybil, we've got to try and attract a better class of person.
Why? We're losing tone.
We're making money.
- Yes, yes.
- Just.
Yes, but now we can try and build up a higher class of clientele! Turn away some of the riffraff.
So long as they pay their bills, Basil.
Is that all that matters to you? Money? This advertisement is a waste of £-40.
One moment! One moment, please! - Well? - Well? My dear woman, Sir Richard and Lady Morris, arriving this evening.
For two nights.
You see, they saw our advertisement in country life.
I wish they were staying a week.
- Well, so do I.
- Might pay for the ad then.
Sybil, look! If we can attract this class of customer, I mean, the sky's the limit! Basil, 22 rooms is the limit! I mean, have you seen the people in room six? They've never even sat on chairs before.
They are the commonest, vulgarest, most Allo! Got a room? I beg your pardon? Got a room for tonight, mate? I shall have to see, sir - A single? - Yeah.
No, make it a double, I feel lucky today! - Hello.
- Good morning.
Only joking.
- No, we haven't.
- What? Haven't any rooms.
Good day.
Number seven is free, Basil.
Tone is in number seven, dear.
No, he left while you were putting the picture up, Basil.
You have luggage, Sir? Just one case.
In the car The white sports.
Fill this in, would you, Sir? If you can.
Hope you enjoy your stay, Mr.
Uh, Manuel, would you fetch this gentleman's case from the car outside? Take it to room seven? - Is not easy for me.
- What? Is not easy for me entender It's not easy for you to understand.
Manuel we're training him.
He's from Barcelona.
In Spain.
Obtener la valisa - Que? - La valisa en el, er, auto bianco sportiv.
Y a la sala Siete por favor.
Is impossible.
- What? - Is impossible.
Look, it's perfectly simple! Manuel - sirvase buscar mi equipaje que esta en el automovil blanco y lo traer a la sala numero siete.
Senor habla espanol! Solo un poco, lo siento.
Pero he olvidado mucho.
No, no, habla muy bien.
Muy muy bien.
Formidable! Gracias, gracias.
Lo voy a coger ahora.
Well, if there's anything else, I'm sure Manuel will be able to tell you, as you seem to get on so well together.
Key? Hello, dear, just doing the picture.
Don't forget the menu.
I beg your pardon? Don't forget the menu.
I thought you said you wanted Right! I'll do the menu.
You could have had them both done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
Racket? That's Brahms! Brahms's Third racket! The whole morning? I had two bars.
Ready to order? Uh, yeah.
What's a gralefrit? Grapefruit.
And creme pot Pot rouge? Portugaise.
Tomato soup.
I'll have the gralefrit.
Now balm carousel Lamb? Casserole.
Sounds good.
Does it come with a smile? It comes with sprouts or carrots.
Oh, smile's extra, is it? You'll get one if you eat up all your sprouts.
Waiter! I beg your pardon? Oh, hello.
Can I have some wine, please? The waiter is busy, Sir, but I will bring you the carte des vins when I have finished attending to this Gentleman.
Oh, fine.
No hurry.
Oh, good, how nice, how very thoughtful.
I trust the beer is to your satisfaction, Sir? Yes, fine.
Ah, good.
May I wish you bon apetit.
Thank you.
Manuel! Senor.
Would you fetch the wine list please? Si, Senor.
- The wine list.
- Si? - The wine vino.
- Senor.
No, no.
The list! There, there, the list! The list, there! The red there! There! Have you got a half bottle of the beaujolais? Yes.
Oh, fine.
Right! Never mind! Never mind! Manuel, another grapefruit for table 12.
Please Manuel! I do beg your pardon.
I'm so sorry.
- Throw it away.
- Que? Throw it away! Throw it away? Throw it away! Now! Sorry! Sorry, sorry! Sorry about that.
Sorry about that.
No, I like a bit of cabaret.
You left your sketch.
Oh! Sorry.
It's very good.
Do you sell any? Enough to keep me in waitressing.
One half bottle of beaujolais.
Sybil! Someone at reception, dear.
Yes, yes, well, yes? Well, I was wondering if you could offer me accommodation for a few nights? Well, have you booked? - I'm sorry? - Have you booked? - No.
- Oh, dear! Why, are you full? Oh, we're not full, we're not full.
Of course we're not full! - I'd like, ah - One moment, please.
- Yes? - A single room with a Could I have your name? - Melbury.
- One second, please.
Hello? Ah, yes, Mr.
O'reilly, well, it's perfectly simple.
When I asked you to build me a wall, I was hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile, you might have found time to cement them together, you know, one on top of the other, in the traditional fashion.
Could you fill it in, please? Oh, splendid! Ah, yes, but when, Mr.
O'reilly? There, there! Yes, yes, yes, but when? Yes, yes, ah, the flu, yes.
Both names, please.
Yes, I should have guessed, Mr.
O'reilly, that and the potato famine I suppose.
I beg your pardon? Would you put both your names, please? Well, will you give me a date? Yeah, I only use one.
You don't have a first name? No, I am Lord Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury.
" Go away.
I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting, your Lordship.
I do apologize, please forgive me.
Is there something, anything, I can do for you? Anything at all? Well, I have filled this in Oh, please don't bother with that.
- Now, a room? - A special room, a single? A double? A suite? Well, we don't have any suites, but we do have some beautiful doubles No, no, just a single.
Just a single.
Absolutely! How very wise if I may say so, your honor.
With a bath? Naturally, naturally! Naturellement! I shall be staying for one or two nights Manuel! It's rather grey today, isn't it? Oh, yes, it is, rather.
Of course usually down here it's quite beautiful, but today is a real old, uh, rotter.
Manuel! Still, it's good for the wheat.
Yes, I suppose so.
I hear it's coming along wonderfully at the moment! Thank God! I love the wheat.
There's no sight like a field of wheat waving in the waving in Manuel! Well, how are you? I mean if it's not a personal question.
Well, it is a personal Let me take your cases for you.
Oh, thank you very much.
- They're just outside.
- Splendid.
Thank you so much.
I won't be one moment.
Ah, Lord Melbury.
May I introduce my wife? Yes, we have met.
My wife, may I introduce his Lordship.
Thank you, Basil, we've sorted it out.
Splendid, splendid.
I wonder, could I deposit this case with you? It's just a few valuables? Valuables, of course.
Please let me take it now.
I'll put it in the safe straightaway.
Sybil, would you put this in the safe, please? I'm just off to the kitchen, Basil.
Yes, well, if you're too busy Nice to have met you, Lord Melbury.
- Hope you enjoy your stay.
- Thank you so much.
I'll do it then, then I'll do the picture I'll put this away in one moment, your Lord.
Manuel, will you take these cases to room 21.
Que? Take to room 21.
No entender.
Prenda las casos en Oh, doesn't matter.
I'll do it.
Thank you manuel.
- I take them.
- No, no, go away! Go and wait! - Wait? - Wait.
In there! Go and wait In there! Go and be a waiter in there! I do apologize, your Lordship.
I'm afraid he's only just joined us.
It'd be quicker to train a monkey, ha ha ha! Do please follow me I mean, if you're ready.
There's no hurry.
Oh, yes, yes, fine.
Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you.
Would you mind moving to that table? What? Could I askyou please, to move to that table over there? But I'm so sorry to trouble you.
- We're halfway through! - Thank you so much.
This is Lord Melbury's table, you see? - What? - Lord Melbury.
When he stays with us, he always sits at this table.
Well, why did they put us here? Uh, an oversight on my wife's part.
I'm so sorry.
He's only just arrived, you see.
Would you mind? Polly! Would you help these people to that table? Thank you, thank you so much.
Come on! Come on! Thank you.
Ah, Lord Melbury! Do please come this way, your Lordship, I have your table over here by the window.
As usual just here.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you very much.
Oh, my God! I think he's killed him! Get on with your meals! Thank you so much.
Lord Melbury, I really must apologize again Please, please, think nothing of it.
- But it was so - No, no, no.
It was the smallest of accidents.
It could have occurred anywhere.
- Yes, but - I've forgotten all about it.
That's most You're really Ah, your Lordship, would you allow me to offer you dinner here tonight, as our guest? That's extremely kind of you.
Unfortunately, I have an engagement tonight.
- Oh.
- Oh, actually - Yes? - There is one thing.
Good! Good! I was wondering can you cash me a small check? I'm playing golf this afternoon Oh, delighted! And I'd rather not go into the town.
Absolutely I mean, uh, how much? Uh, if it's not a rude question? Could you manage 50 oh! 100? A hundred? Oh, absolutely.
Oh, yes, I mean, will 100 be enough? I mean 150, two, 160? Let's see, that's uh, dinner tonight, few tips Oh, and it's the weekend, isn't it? Would 200 be all right? Please! Yes! Oh, ha, ha! Oh, tremendous! Oh, I'm so happy! I'll send someone to the town straightaway and have it for you here when you get back.
Yes, well, that would be splendid.
Thank you, thank you, your Lordship.
Thank you so much.
Oh, not at all, my privilege.
Breeding I mean oh! Hello, dear.
- What are you doing? - I'm kissing you, dear.
Well, don't.
Just thought it might be nice to I heard about lunch.
What? Oh, that! Think nothing of it.
What? It was the smallest of accidents.
- Could have happened anywhere.
- Anywhere? First you move that nice family in the middle of their meal, and then you attack Lord Melbury with a chair! Look, Sybil, I've had a word with Lord Melbury about it.
He was quite charming Oh, it's delightful to have people like that staying here.
Sheer class, golf, baths, engagements, a couple of hundr h h horses.
Well, I've never seen such tatty cases.
Of course you haven't.
It's only the true upper class that would have tat like that.
It's the whole point! Oh, you don't know what I'm talking about.
No, I don't.
But don't ever move guests in the middle of a meal again.
And get that picture up.
Sour old rat.
Ah! Polly.
Would you do me a favor? When you're down in the town this afternoon, would you just pop just between ourselves, don't mention this to my wife, pop into the bank and just Could somebody answer that, please? Hello! Is there nobody who can answer that? There must be someone.
Not you.
I'll never get it up.
I'll cancel my holiday, do it then.
Hello, Fawlty Towers? Hello, Fawlty Towers.
Oh, hello, Brenda.
Basil, it's 6:00.
Ah, Polly did you cash it? - Yes, Mr.
Fawlty? - Good, good.
- Could I have a word with you? - What? - Could I speak to you for just a minute? - Not now, polly! - It's very important.
- Later! Later! - Basil! - I'm just going, dear.
Thank you, thank you so much, Polly.
Ah, good evening, Major.
Evening, Fawlty.
The usual? Oh, why not? Indeed, yes.
Why not? I've just been watching one of those nature films on television.
Oh, yes? Did you know the female gibbon gestates for seven months? Seven months? Well I never Here you are, Major.
Seven my word.
Ah, Good Evening, Mr.
A gin and orange, a lemon squash and a scotch and water, please.
Is there any part of the room you'd like us to keep away from? What? We'll be over there, then.
Seven! Well, well Evening, Fawlty.
Ah, Good Evening, Lord Melbury.
- Anywhere? - Yes, anywhere, anywhere.
Lord Melbury, may I offer you a little apertif as our guest? That's very kind of you.
Dry sherry, if you please.
What else? Such Oh, I don't know what.
Je ne sais quoi? Exactly! Exactly! Ah, there you are, Sybil.
Good evening, Major.
Evening, Mrs.
- There you are, your Lordship.
- Ah, thank you very much.
I see my little collection of coins tickles your interest.
What? Oh, yes, yes.
All British Empire of course.
Used to be quite a hobby of mine.
Little investment too.
Talking about, um, - did you manage to - Oh yes.
- There you are, your Lordship.
- Oh, Thank you, yes.
Yes, you know, these sorts of things, their value's soared this last couple of years.
Have they really? Oh, yes.
You take my advice.
Get them revalued, and insure them for the full amount.
Yes, yes, I will.
You can't take any risks nowadays, I'm afraid.
- No, no, quite.
- Well, I must be off.
Thank you very much, your Lordship.
Basil! Yes, yes, I was just talking to Lord Melbury, dear.
A gin and orange, a lemon squash and a scotch and water, please! I do apologize, I was just talking to Lord Lord Melbury: Fawlty! I was thinking You see, I am having dinner tonight with the duke of Buckleigh, do you know him? Not personally, no.
He's a great expert, you know, Sotheby's and all that.
Is he? Now if you like, I could take them with me, ask him to have a quick look at them, and find their current value.
- Would you really? - Yes, yes, certainly.
Well, I'll be off in a few moments.
- Well, that's really so - Basil! I'm talking to Lord Melbury! A gin and orange, a lemon squash and a scotch and water, please! All right! All right! Oh, Mr.
Fawlty Was that Lord Melbury? Has he gone? I rang, Mr.
Fawlty, I must speak with you.
- Can't you see I'm busy? - It's very important.
- Can we talk in there? - I can't.
- Basil! - It's very important! I'm dealing with something important out here, Sybil.
Yes? Yes, right, well, yes, yes, what is it? - It's about Lord Melbury.
- Yes? He's not Lord Melbury, he's a confidence trickster.
I beg your pardon? Mr.
Brown told me.
Oh! Mr.
Brown's from the C.
They've been watching Melbury because he's pulling some big con trick in the town.
They're going to arrest him when he leaves here, so as not to cause you embarrassment.
But he asked me to tell you Oh, how nice of him! Please, Mr.
Fawlty Oh, I don't know what other tales Mr.
Brown of M.
5 has been impressing you with.
- He's a con man! - Oh, yes, of course, it stands out a mile, doesn't it? He's so common.
Unlike that cockney git whose ulterior motive poor, innocent, misguided child that you are.
Basil, what's going on? Nothing, my dear, nothing at all.
- Mrs.
Fawlty - Yes, Polly? - I don't know what she's - Basil! Mr.
Brown is from the C.
He showed me identification.
They're watching Melbury.
He's a confidence trickster.
I see.
What do you mean, you see? Let's have a look at these valuables.
What are you doing, Sybil? Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe! Sybil, I forbid you to take that case out! Sybil, do not open that case, I forbid it! I never thought I would live to see the day when a peer of the realm, entrusts to us, a case of valuables In trust I'll call the police.
They're already here, Mr.
Brown's outside.
Someone at reception, Basil? Ah! All right.
Ah Good evening.
I believe you were expecting us.
No, I was expecting somebody else.
Sir Richard and Lady Morris.
Yes, yes, them as well.
I'm sorry? - How did you know? - What? Oh You're Sir Richard and Lady Morris, I do beg your pardon.
I was just think Would you mind filling this out, please? We've given you room aha! Ah, Fawlty! Mr.
Fawlty to you, Lord Melbury.
I beg your pardon? Oh, nothing, please forget all about it.
Here's the check for £-200.
Ah, thank you so much.
Now, about my priceless collection of coins? Oh, yes, ah, do you still Do I still want you to take them to be valued by the Duke of Buckleigh, my Lord? - Ah, yes.
- No, I don't.
Because we've just heard that the duke of Buckleigh is dead! Yes, got his head knocked off by a golf ball.
Tragic! Tragic! Well, how are you, Lord Melbury? 'Ow are yer then? All right, mate? 'Ow's me old mucker? Any valuables to deposit, Sir Richard? Any bricks? I do apologize You bastard! We've given you room 12 with the view overlooking the park I'm sure you'll like it We'll have your bags brought up And may I introduce your wife? Hello, Lord Melbury! - Bastard! - Basil! Please think nothing of it.
Do please excuse me one moment.
Basil, the morrises are leaving.
Basil: Where are you going? Where are you going? We're leaving! Oh, don't, please stay, you'll like it here.
I've never been in such a place in my life.
You snobs! You stupid, stuck-up, toffee-nosed, half-witted upper-class piles of pus! - Sorry, Mr.
- Just one, please.
Sorry, Mr.
Well, I'd better put the picture up.
Oh, thank You, Polly, for the - Well done, Manuel.
- Que? Oh Ole.
Sorry about that, Mr.
Can I buy you a drink? No, no, I'd better put this up, I suppose.
Basil! A gin and orange, a lemon squash and a scotch and water, please! Right! Come on.