Fawlty Towers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Wedding Party (a.k.a. Sex)

By Jove! It's warm tonight, isn't it, Fawlty? Certainly is, Major, yes.
Very warm.
Can I get you another one? What? Well, why not indeed? What a very nice idea.
Reminds me of somebody machine gunning a seal.
The heat? No, no.
My wife's laugh.
Ah, yes.
Ah, good evening, Mrs.
Good evening.
Thank you for your map.
It was so useful.
I must congratulate you.
I had no idea how charming Torquay was.
May I ask, did you find anything of interest? Mm-hmm.
A few pieces I like very much.
And one, oh I had to have it.
I'm so pleased.
May I introduce Major Gowen, our longest standing resident? Mrs.
How do you do, Major? How do you do, Madam? Mrs.
Peignoir's an antique dealer.
She's down here for a few days sniffing around for dainty relics.
Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing.
I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
Oh, dear! No, no, not really.
Just a thought.
Well now, what can I get you? Do you have any Ricard? I'm sorry? Any Ricard? We're just out of it, I think.
- Just a sherry then.
- But of course.
Tell me, are you, by any chance, French at all? Yes, I am.
Good Lord! Enjoying yourself, dear? We, uh we haven't put any nuts in the bowl, have we? I haven't.
I don't know about you.
Well, I'll do it then, shall I? That would be the simplest solution, dear.
Where's Manuel? We've given him the evening off, dear.
It's his birthday.
I mean, how old is he? Two and a half? Excuse me, there are no nuts here, Sybil.
No nuts! You'll find them in the kitchen.
Oh, will I? If you can bear to tear yourself away from Mrs.
Peignoir, you will.
Do go on.
In 1918, I think.
Did you ever see that film, "How to Murder your Wife"? "How to Murder Your Wife"? Yes, awfully good.
I saw it six times.
Very funny! Are you all right, Mr.
Fawlty? What? Yes, thank you very much.
You all right? Yes.
Good, good.
We're all all right, then.
Must be the heat.
Yes, and he's getting taller, isn't he? I don't think he's very well, dear.
I think we ought to take care of him.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I think I left it over here somewhere.
Hang on.
Ah, here it is.
See you tonight? Mm-hmm.
Yes! A single for tonight, is it? Mr.
Fawlty, may I introduce Richard Turner? - I'm sorry? - He's a friend of mine.
Oh! You know each other, do you? Just passing through, are you? There you go.
See you tonight.
Oh, we've opened a library, have we? How nice.
Please don't leave on my account, Mr.
- I'm sorry, Mr.
- Now look, Polly.
- We were just saying goodbye - I mean what sort of place do you think this is, a massage parlor? We are running a nice respectable high cl I'm sorry, did I say something funny? No, I was, uh, just looking No, obviously I said something frightfully comic.
No, it's just the heat.
Well, so long as I amuse the staff.
That's all I'm here for.
- I'll just take these in - One other thing, Polly.
I'm afraid we've abandoned the idea of the topless afternoon teas, so if you wouldn't mind changing before going where people may be trying to eat.
I was going to.
Polly, would you come back here, please? I'm on form tonight.
Yes, Mr.
Fawlty? I know these kind of drawings are considered decent at art school.
Would you please not leave them lying around on display at the reception? I'll put them away when I've got some clothes on.
I mean, really! Hello, Fawlty Titties.
Yes, yes.
Oh, it's you, Audrey.
Oh, he's left you again, has he? Oh, dear oh, dear.
How sad, hmm yes.
Ah, good evening, Major.
I'll be with you in just one moment.
Well, I'll get her to call.
Hmm yes, well, keep your pecker up.
Oh, stop it, Alan.
R-ruff, ruff-ruff! Hello.
We booked a room.
- Have you? - Yes, a double one.
- The name is - One moment, please.
- That's a nice suit.
- What? - Nothing.
- I thought you said something No.
Are you all right? Yes, thank you.
Aah! - Are we ready? - I think we are, yes.
May I have your name, please? Yes, it's Bruce.
- Mr.
And Mrs.
- That's right.
Is it a double bed? I beg your pardon? Has our room got a double bed? - A double bed? - Yes.
We've only got one double bed, I mean, do you want that? Oh, very much indeed.
Well, I'll have to put you in number 12 then.
- All right.
- I mean oh, never mind.
Has it got a breeze? Has it got a breeze? Well, is it airy? Well, there's air in it.
I mean, what the Oh, I think there's a letter for me.
- What? - There's a letter for me there.
- No, there isn't.
- Yes.
Jean Wilson.
- Jean Wilson, is this you? - Mm-hmm.
Heh heh heh! Now, what's going on here? Well, I can't give you a double room, then.
- Oh, look - It's against the law.
- What law? - The law of England.
Nothing to do with me.
- Nothing to do with you? - Nothing at all.
I can give you two singles, if you like, but Shall we go somewhere else? Excuse me.
There's my key.
And now, I'm off to paint the town red.
Thank you so much.
Well, uh perhaps I'll see you later this evening? Yes, my wife and I will be up till quite late tonight, thank you.
I don't believe a word! Excuse me.
We'll have two singles then, if that's all right with the police? Two singles, certainly.
Now - Next to each other.
- Next to each other Oh dear, we can't do that.
What a shame.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- A double, is it? - We'd like a double.
Two singles, dear.
Not married.
Now What? Nothing, dear.
I'm dealing with it.
Well, 17 and 18 are free.
You'd have to share a bath.
No Oh, uh, Audrey called.
I'll handle it.
George has left her again.
Oh, no.
Now, we've got one on the first floor, one right up at the top.
- Shall I deal with this, Basil? - I'm dealing with it, dear.
No, that's all right.
You wanted two singles? I said I'd deal with it.
- Mind sharing a bathroom? - I was here first.
It's my turn now.
I fought the Korean war, you know? I killed four men.
He was in the Catering Corps, he used to poison them.
Yes? Who is it? - It's Manuel.
- What do you want? Can I go now? I thought you'd gone.
- ¿Qué? - I thought you'd gone.
No, I turned it off.
What? It was about so high.
I said, I thought a creduto It doesn't matter.
- ¿Qué? - It doesn't matter.
Oh, you think I gone.
- Yes.
- No, no, I go now.
- Wonderful.
- What? Is okay? - It's okay.
- Thank you.
Yes? - Before I go - What is it? Is my birthday.
Yes, I know! "I want to thank you for beautiful present.
" Oh, yes.
"And for your much kindness to me since I come here.
" Not at all.
My pleasure.
"Since coming here from Spain, leaving my mother" - Outside.
- ¿Qué? Outside.
Thank you.
"Since coming here from Spain, leaving my five brothers and four sisters" Give it to me.
Thank you.
Can I have it, Basil? - What, dear? - I want that key.
I've only got the key to room 12, dear.
- That's the one.
- Now look here, Sybil Basil! If you were my size "Since coming" - Manuel.
- Sí, sí? Number 12, please.
Basil! Jean! Hello, Poll.
What are you doing here? Well, we couldn't get in at the Bellevue.
Oh, no.
Hello, Alan.
It'll be fun.
My parents arrive tomorrow.
What, here? Well, I warned you.
Yes, we've already met the famous Fawlty.
Shh, I'm not supposed to hobnob.
- I like your outfit.
- I'll give you the pattern.
Are you going to be at Fiona's wedding? I can't, but I'll be at the reception, in my very own Jean Wilson creation.
I want you to try that on later.
How's that gorgeous stepfather? I haven't seen him for a month.
He's been in Singapore.
Oh, blast! I forgot to get those batteries for my electric razor.
Is there anywhere still open, Poll? - You might find a chemist's.
- I better have a look.
Is Richard coming tonight? - We'll be along about 10:00.
- Great! Hello again.
We managed to get it all sorted out with your wife.
I wouldn't know about that.
Is there something you want? Yes.
I know it's a bit late, do you know if there's a chemist still open? I beg your pardon? Do you know if there's a chemist still open? I suppose you think this is funny, do you? - Funny? - Ha.
No, no.
I really want to know.
Well, I don't.
So far as I know, all the chemists are shut.
You'll just have to wait till tomorrow.
Bit of a blow, I imagine.
What? Nothing.
You heard.
Is that all? - Well - Yes? - I don't suppose you've got a couple - Now, look! Just don't push your luck! I have a breaking point, you know.
Well, I only want some batteries.
I don't believe it.
- What? - Batteries, huh? You know something? You disgust me.
I know what people like you get up to, and I think it's disgusting! Wh-what are you talking about? I want batteries for my electric razor.
I want to shave! - Oh yes? - Yes! I haven't shaved today.
Look, see? - Electric razor, huh? - Right! Well, that's what I was referring to when I said it was disgusting.
It is, of course, disgusting that you haven't shaved, but, understandable.
I mean, sometimes I don't shave either, and that's disgusting too.
So I shall have a razor sent up to your room straightaway.
Thank you so much, good night.
Hello? Audrey, any news? Oh, dear.
He hasn't? Oh, I know.
He doesn't deserve you, Audrey.
He really doesn't.
I know you have.
I know.
I know.
Oh, I know.
Are you gonna go on like that all night? What was that, Audrey? Oh, I know.
I know.
Well, why is she telling you then? I understand, dear, I really do.
I can't stand it anymore.
I'll go clean the roof or something.
There's the front doorbell.
Somebody's got back late.
Yes, yes.
I expect they forgot their passkey.
I know.
Somebody better go and let them in.
- Yes.
- I'll go then, shall I? - Hmm.
- Yes, I agree.
I'll go.
You know who that is, don't you? That's your pair, the "Kama Sutra" set.
"Good Evening, welcome to Basil Fawlty Knocking Shops Limited.
" No, dear.
It's only Basil.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
I mean, I suppose you know what time it is? Oh, Mr.
Fawlty, I'm so sorry.
Oh no.
It's only a quarter past 11:00.
I got you out of your bed.
Not at all.
I had a few little jobs to do Oh, you're so kind.
Oh, well I had just a lovely evening.
Did you? How very nice.
I saw some friends I hadn't seen for years.
I had a little bit too much to drink, I'm afraid.
What's life for if one can't get a bit - Blotto? - Well, hardly blotto.
Fawlty, you're so charming.
Well, one does one's best.
I hope Mrs.
Fawlty appreciates how lucky she is.
I think probably not, in fact.
Oops! Sorry, I beg - Ah, there we are.
- Ha ha ha! Oh, sorry! Sorry.
Ha ha! There you are.
- Carry on.
- We're awfully sorry.
It was quite extraordinary.
The front doorbell went just a moment ago, and I thought to myself, "I expect that'll be Alan and uh" so, down I go, and lo and behold, it's not you at all, it's Mrs.
Have you met? Alan and uh this is Mrs.
She's an antique dealer, I mean, she deals in antiques.
She's not frightfully old or anything.
Ha, ha.
So, I let her in just 10 secs ago, hardly five, I mean, hardly time to say good evening, in she comes, drops her thing, down I go and there you are, bless my soul.
Golly, is that the time? My goodness, I was thinking it was a quarter past 10:00.
My God! I'd better get to bed.
Can't stand around talking all night.
Got to get an early night.
Bye! Sorry! Are you all right? Yes, I am.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Bonne nuit.
Jean, I'll just make that call.
- Don't be too long.
- No.
Well? - Hmm? - Who was it? It was your, uh, your pair.
- Good night.
- Bonne nuit.
Oh, and that woman, uh Mrs.
Peignoir? Ah, yes.
Something like that.
Dormez bien, Mr.
How's Audrey? She's in a terrible state.
Ah, good, good.
There's someone at the door, Sybil! Why are you shouting, Basil? Was I shouting? Sorry, Sybil.
Well, I'd better go see who that is, Sybil.
I expect it's some key who forgot to get the guest for their door.
Or something like that, some innocent explanation.
- Ha, are you ready, Sybil? - I'm ready.
I'll just see who that is then, Sybil.
All right, Sybil? Hello? Hello? - Ah.
- Aaah! Oh, so sorry, Mr.
Poor Mr.
Are you all right? No, I'm dying, but don't get out of bed.
I hurt you, and you so wonderful to me.
Give me such beautiful present.
Thank you! You're drunk, Manuel! No, no.
Is beautiful.
Is my first one.
Thank you.
Now listen argh! Oh, poor Mr.
So sorry.
Please, Mr.
Fawlty, I love you, I love you! You so kind to me, you so good to me! I love you! Basil, I'm trying to read In here.
Since I come here from Spain leaving my five mothers, and four aunties with no Et maintenant, un peu de café? Ah, oui, s'll vous plâit.
Café au lait.
- Café what? - Au lait.
Ah, olé.
There we are.
Voilà sommes nous.
- Café pour vous.
- "Vous"? Pas pour toi? Well, I'll probably have one later.
- Very funny.
- Oh good, good.
Oh, Mr.
Fawlty, I forget.
The window in my bedroom, I can't open it.
Could you? Oh, certainly, I'll pop up and fix it.
For you, and this one Thank you so much.
Manuel? Oh, is terrible! Go to the kitchen, Manuel.
I cannot.
Go to the kitchen immediately.
Come on, Manuel.
No, no, please, I die here.
Sorry about this.
He's been overworking awfully hard recently.
Can I help? No, I can manage.
Thank you, Polly.
- Come on.
- Oh, no, please.
He's at it again.
It's disgusting.
I beg your pardon? Nothing.
I thought you said something? No, no.
Carry on.
Get on with your meals.
Thank you, Mr.
And this is just for tonight, isn't it? - That's right.
- Will you be taking lunch? We won't have time, I'm afraid.
We've got this wedding at half past 2:00.
I wonder, could I make a call? Please, use that phone.
Would it be possible to have sandwiches sent up to the room? Certainly.
Here's the key.
I'll have your bags brought up in a moment.
Would you like coffee with the sandwiches? Yes, please.
Mum! Hello, darling.
Hello, Alan.
Hello, Rachel.
Where's Phillip? Did he have a good trip? Marvelous, he's upstairs.
Could I speak to Mrs.
Brice, please? I'll see you in a moment.
I'm just going to finish my breakfast.
There they are.
Where's the key? He's already taken It up, Basil.
All right.
Anne? It's Rachel Lloyd here.
How's everything? I'm going to take your cases upstairs.
Yes, I know.
Darling, it's beautiful, thank you.
Sybil, Sybil.
- Ah, hello.
- Hello.
- It's Mrs.
Lloyd, isn't it? - That's right.
How do you do? Fawlty, Basil Fawlty.
- How do you do? - Pretty well, can't complain.
We had this door knocked through recently.
Made a rather good job of it, don't you think? Yes, yes.
It's very nice.
Changed our lives, really.
Used to have to do the 100 yards through there and back again, but now we can just sort of open it and it isn't working as well as it usually does.
Ha! You can go right in.
Just like that.
Rather simple, but effective.
Would you like to have a try, see the kitchen and I'd love to one day, but I think just now, I'd better get upstairs.
So, I'll see you later.
You all right? Bit of trouble with the old leg, I'd better sit down here for a moment.
Bit of shrapnel, Korean war.
Still in there.
Can't they get it out? No, too deep, too deep.
Well, this is the kitchen, as you can see.
- What? - The kitchen, yes.
We had it plastered about five years ago.
We've got a few cracks up there now.
Oh, don't worry about him.
He's just having a lie down.
He's Spanish.
From Barcelona.
You know, sort of siesta.
But he's fine.
It was his birthday yesterday.
We have a few cracks up there now, but nothing serious.
As I say, it's not the Sistine Chapel, but we're very happy with it.
Are you sure he's all right? Oh, yes.
Yes, he's fine.
But he's groaning.
Is he? Is he? Can't you hear him? So he is.
Listen, I just remembered I left your cases just outside your room, by mistake.
Would you mind if I went up and put them inside now? Unless there's anything else Don't you think perhaps we should open No, no, no! Don't worry about that.
My wife will deal with that.
Sybil! So, if you'd like to, uh Come on! Come along.
Come in.
Your sandwiches, Mr.
Polly! - Hello.
- How are you? - Fantastic.
- It's great to see you.
You're still gorgeous.
Dear, dear, dear.
Is anything the matter? Mrs.
Lloyd, could I have a word with you? You are.
Well, there's something that I need to explain.
- Well? - Could we go in there? Oh, really, is it absolutely necessary? I'm afraid it is.
Thank you.
Lloyd, I'm so sorry but this is a much nicer room than the one we've given you.
- What? - I'm sorry, I was just saying that this room is so much nicer than yours, and I wanted to bring you in here now, and show it to you and apologize, in case you found out about it later, and got rather cross.
Now, um, the point is What is? The point is if it turns out you don't like that room um, then we can always move you in here but I don't think it's worth doing until you've definitely decided you don't like that one as much as this one, then we can sit down, a round table, sort of discuss it, kind of chew it over, and, uh And it'd be a piece of cake.
Bob's your uncle.
Okay? Fine.
Oh, sorry.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I wondered where you were, darling.
Darling? Darling, are you all right? This room is exactly the same as the one that he just Oh, Jean, it's absolutely smashing! A bit tight across the bust.
Oh, I love it.
Lower, lower.
- Are you sure? - Can I pick it up tonight? Lower, low ah! That's it, that's it.
That is amazing! That Is amazing! Aww, ha, ha ha! Hey, baby, have you been taking lessons? So, I'll see you tonight, huh? For 10 quid, that's absolutely fantastic.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No! Polly, I want to see you at reception in one minute in your hat and coat.
I'm sorry? I want to see you at reception in one minute in your hat and coat! - Will they fit you? - No.
What? You, you! - They're going.
- What? They're going! I'm sorry, but you'll have to go.
We've made a mistake, all these rooms are taken.
She was sitting on him.
Five minutes later, I found him lying on the floor underneath the waiter.
I'm sorry, but ah, there you are.
Got together, have you? Yes, yes.
I might have guessed, mightn't I? Yes, I see.
Of course, we're a bit behind the times down here in Torquay.
I'm sorry, but you'll have to go.
We made a mistake.
All these rooms are taken.
I'm so sorry.
Well, actually, I'm not sorry.
I mean, you come in here, just like that, and, well, to be perfectly blunt, you have a very good time at our expense.
I mean, I think you know what I mean, hmm? I mean you have had a very, very good time, haven't you? Well, not here you don't, oh, no! Thank you and good night! Well that's taken care of that! Basil, what is going on? Why did you tell Polly to get her hat and coat? Because she's going, along with the Lloyds and that pair you let in.
Never seen anything like it in my life.
My God! Basil, what are you on about? Why are they leaving? I'll tell you exactly why they're leaving.
First of all, I go up there and find that girl in his arms, in Lloyd's arms.
Five minutes later, Polly's in there.
- What girl? - Th that girl.
- She's his daughter.
- What? She's Mr.
Lloyd's stepdaughter.
They're all one family.
What about Polly? She was at school with Jean.
She's known them all for years.
- For years, huh? - For years.
What have I done? - What have you done? - I've told them to leave.
You've told them to leave? How was I supposed to know? Why didn't you tell me, you half-wit? Why didn't they tell me? You can't blame me for this! Go and tell them they can stay.
- Why don't you go tell them? - I didn't tell them to go.
Oh no, I suppose it's all my fault, isn't it? Go and tell them.
Now! No, I won't.
- You will.
- No, no, I won't.
- Oh, yes, you will.
- Yes, I will! Right.
That's right, leave it to me, let me get you out of it.
That's all I'm good for, isn't it? "Basil Fawlty, Limited, other people's messes cleared up by appointment to my wife, Sybil.
" What am I going to say?! Tell them you made a mistake.
Oh, brilliant! Brilliant.
Is that what made Britain great? "I'm so sorry, I made a mistake.
" What have you got for brains? Sponge cake?! Very nice, very nice.
Take 'em off, get back to work.
I'm so sorry.
I made a mistake.
"I'm so sorry.
I made a mistake.
" "I'm so sorry.
I made a mistake.
" I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, but my wife has made a mistake.
I don't know how she did it, but she did.
She's made a complete pudding of the whole thing, as usual.
It'll be perfectly all right.
I've sorted it all out.
I'm frightfully sorry, but you know what women are like.
They've got one brain between the lot of them not all of them, but some of them have, including my wife.
So please, do stay, and see you all later on.
Thank you so much.
I was just saying please do stay, my wife made a most dreadful mistake.
Yes, I think she probably did.
Evening, Fawlty.
Ah, evening, Major.
Papers arrived yet? Oh, yes.
Sorry they're so late.
Didn't get here till 5:00.
Have to have a word with them again.
Where's your lady wife this evening? She's spending the night at Audrey's.
George has walked out on her again, so she's in the usual state.
Still, it must have upset her a bit.
Yes, but she makes such a song and dance about it.
You don't like Audrey very much, do you? Dreadful woman, dreadful.
I think it's very decent of your wife to go around there and listen to all that rubbish.
Couldn't do without her, Major.
She's a fine woman, Mrs.
No, no.
I wouldn't say that.
No, nor would I.
- Good night, Fawlty.
- Good night, Major.
Ah, Mr.
Good evening.
No, no, don't switch it off.
I love Chopin.
Really? Ah, there's your key.
Ah, it's so romantic.
Yes, exactly.
Are you romantic, Mr.
Fawlty? No, God, no.
Well, I think you are.
I think, beneath that English exterior throbs a passion that would make Lord Byron look like a tobacconist.
No way.
No, sorry.
Oh, don't look so bashful.
I won't try and sit on you again.
And where is your charming wife this evening? She's spending the night with a friend.
- Hmm.
- A girl, a lady friend.
When the cat's away, eh? Oh, hardly.
Too much to do.
- Well, good night.
- Bonne nuit.
- Oh, Mr.
Fawlty? - Yes? Did you fix my window? Oh uh, damn.
If you could, please? It's so hot tonight.
Yes, okay.
Ungh! Here we are.
You're so strong.
Well, I'm sure you are, too, if you put your mind to it.
Your wife shouldn't leave you with strange women.
Well, I wouldn't call you that strange.
Fawlty, you're so charming.
Only a little.
Oh, well Do you feel that breeze? Isn't it wonderful? Yes, it's nice, isn't it? I shall sleep au naturelle tonight.
Good idea, right.
Only it's not so much fun on your own.
Oh, well.
One could always pretend.
Ooh! Twinge from the old leg.
Better go and lie down.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Damn shrapnel.
Uh, who is it? Mr.
Fawlty? Hello.
I'm so sorry, but I have to leave early tomorrow.
Could I have a call at 7:00, please? Marvelous.
Is that all? Absolutely.
Please don't go yet.
I think you've forgotten something.
Did I? Damn Your recorder.
Oh, thank you.
- You left it in my room.
- Thank you so much.
You left it in my room so you could come and get it, didn't you? I'm not having you knocking on my door in the middle of the night.
I should go go.
You naughty man.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Look, go to your room.
I won't ask you again.
Open the door.
Listen, I can't.
My wife has just got back unexpectedly.
She's in the bathroom.
What, dear? I think you'll find it on the second shelf, Sybil darling.
Let me in, Basil.
Look, you'll meet somebody else sooner or later.
Basil! Try to control yourself.
Where do you think you are, Paris? Let me in! Shut up, will you? You silly tart! Go away.
My wife will hear us.
This is your wife.
Oh, what a terrible dream! There's a burglar downstairs.
George got back, did he? There's a burglar downstairs! - What? - A burglar.
Quick! Manuel? Good night.
We've been to a wedding.