Fawlty Towers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Hotel Inspectors

I know.
It all started with that electrician, didn't it? Real live wire, he was.
Only one watt, but plenty of volts, as they say.
Anything in trousers, yes.
Or out of them, preferably.
Hmmm? No, just lighting up.
Go on.
I know, I heard that with her mother In the same room.
No, no No, no, of course I won't.
Go on.
Basil? Yes, dear.
Oh, no.
Who saw them? - Basil? - Yes, dear? Could you come and attend to a gentlemen out here? 19? What do you mean, out where you are, dear? Well the last one was only 22.
He was! I'm quite busy in here.
Are you very busy out there? I'm on the telephone, Basil.
My husband will be with you in a moment.
So I'll stop working and come out there, shall I? No, no.
The Maltese one.
Well, I'm glad that's settled, then.
No, no, dear.
He was an Arab.
Darling, when you're finished, why don't you have a lie down? I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.
I had no idea my wife was so busy.
Fear not, kind sir, it matters not one whit.
I beg your pardon? It matters not one whit.
Time is not pressing on me, fortunately.
Now some information, please.
This afternoon I have to visit the town for sundry purposes which would be of no interest to you I am quite sure, but nevertheless shall require your aid in getting for me some sort of transport, some hired vehicle that is, to get me to my first port of call.
Are you all right? Yes, I find the air here most invigorating.
I see.
Did I gather from your first announcement that you want a taxi? In a nutshell.
Case, more like.
At 2:00, please.
Here's the number of the local firm.
Please, could you get it for me? I never use the telephone if I can avoid it.
Why not? The risk of infection.
When I've finished.
Now, I have a rendezvous at 5:00 at this address which I must reach from the post office in Queen's Square.
Now, as the map is sadly inadequate, I would be very grateful if you could draw me a diagram of the optimum route.
May I ask what's wrong with the map? It's got curry on it.
Look, it's perfectly simple.
Go to the end of Queen's Parade and bear left just listen.
- I just want a diagram.
- It's very simple.
I'd rather have a diagram if it won't put you out.
Well, it does put me out.
I'd like it all the same.
Basil! Right.
Here you are then.
- We do have pens.
- Here you are.
We have actually got pens in the hotel.
Thank you so much.
Somewhere I mean where are the pens? Would you believe it? I mean, there are no pens here.
This is supposed to be a hotel.
What are they doing in there? - I put them there.
- Why? Just sign there, Mr.
Because you're always losing them, Basil.
I am not always losing them.
People take them.
Well, they don't take them from me.
They wouldn't dare.
I'm sorry, I didn't guess that you'd suddenly done that after 12 years, dear.
I'm afraid my psychic powers must be a little below par this morning.
There we are.
Don't be silly, Basil.
It's written there quite clearly on the top of the box.
"Pens"? It looks more like "Bens" to me.
Well when Ben comes, you can give it to him.
Walt's in room 7.
What do you think? Doesn't that look like "Bens" to you? Not really.
It does to me.
Look, there's a "P.
" I don't understand this.
Where is the Post Office? Where it says "Post Office.
" I'm sorry if it's confusing.
Oh, yeah.
" You've used the abbreviation.
Ah, the penny's dropped.
I though it said "Boff.
" Of course.
I thought that "Boff" was a locale, the name of a district, you see? That "P" looks like a "B.
" - No, it doesn't.
- Yes, it does.
There's a little loop on the bottom Excuse me, would you say that was a "P" or a "B"? There.
Does it say "Boff," or does it say "Poff"? It's a "P," isn't it? I suppose so.
" I beg your pardon? "P.
", not "B.
" Who ever heard of a "Bost Office"? - Nine? - What? - Room 9? - Room 7.
Manuel, would you take these cases to room 7, please? Qué? He thinks "Boff" is a locale.
He thinks what? You know, some zone, some province in Equatorial Torquay.
Manuel will show you to your room, if you're lucky.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
In how many minutes does luncheon commence? Twelve.
Here, I'll write it down for you.
Don't forget the taxi, will you? 2:00.
If anybody wants me, I'll be in the lounge.
If anybody wants you? I'll be in the lounge.
Anyone in particular? Henry Kissinger? Or just anyone with a big net? I don't know what it is about this place.
Some of the people we get in here What are you on about? I wish you'd help a bit.
You're always refurbishing yourself.
- What? - Oh, never mind.
Don't shout at me.
I've had a difficult morning.
Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your éclair? Or did you talk to your friends for so long, you didn't have time to perm your ears? Actually, Basil, I've been working.
You know what I mean by working, don't you? I mean getting things done as opposed to squabbling with the guests.
I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got a smidgen of cooperation from you.
"Cooperation"? That's a laugh.
The day you'll cooperate you'll be a wooden box.
I've never heard such rudeness.
If you think I'm going to fawn to some of the yobbos we get in here This is a hotel, Basil, not a borstal, and it might help business if you could have a little more courtesy.
Just a little.
Talking to Audrey for half an hour helps business? It was about business, for your information.
Audrey has some news that may interest you.
This will be good.
Let me guess.
The mayor wears a toupee? Somebody's got nail varnish on his cats? Am I getting warm? There are some hotel inspectors in town.
What? - What does she know? - That's all she knows.
How does she know? A friend of Bill Morton's overheard three men in a pub last night comparing notes on places they'd just been in Exeter.
Three men.
I'll call Bill.
You don't have to call Bill, Basil.
Just try to exercise a little courtesy.
" Papers arrived, Fawlty? Not yet no, Major.
Sorry, sorry.
Could you do that in a moment, please? I'm on the telephone.
You haven't finished dialing yet, have you? Now, listen There is a documentary on BBC 2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s.
This starts at 8:45 and goes on for approximately three quarters of an hour.
- I'm sorry, are you talking to me? - Indeed, I am.
Is it possible for me to reserve the BBC 2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast? Why don't you talk properly? I beg your pardon? - No.
It isn't.
- What? It is not possible to reserve the BBC 2 channel from the commencement of this "televisual feast" until the moment of the termination of its ending, thank you so much.
Might I suggest you introduce such a scheme? No! I would just like to tell you that I have a wide experience of hotels, and some of those of my acquaintance have had the foresight to introduce this facility for the benefit of their guests.
I see, you have a "wide experience of hotels?" In my professional activities I'm in constant contact with them.
Are you really? Is it possible for me to hire a television set to view the program in the privacy of my own room? I beg your pardon? Have you the facility to hire a television set to one of your guests? A good point.
I'm glad you asked me that.
- Not as such.
- Oh.
However, we do have plans to introduce such a scheme in the near future.
That's not much use to me tonight, is it? No, but I'll tell you what, why don't I introduce another scheme straightaway, along the lines that you've already suggested, by which I reserve the BBC 2 Channel for you tonight? Now, that's more like it.
Not at all.
That's what we're here for, isn't it? Yes.
Is there anything else before I call your taxi? Well, yes, there is.
Somebody in there mentioned that you had a table tennis table.
Indeed we do, yes.
It is not in absolutely mint condition, but it could certainly be used in an emergency.
It is to be found in the south wing, overlooking the courtyard, where there is, of course, ample parking.
Ah, Polly.
Hutchinson, may I introduce Polly Sherman, who is with us at the moment? - How do you do? - How do you do? Wait a minute.
We've met before, I think.
Yes, I served you at breakfast.
Oh, yes, and you spilled the grapefruit juice, didn't you, you naughty girl? You moved the glass, didn't you? Thank you, thank you, Polly, yes.
Awfully nice girl.
Very bright.
She's a fully qualified painter, you know.
- Oh, really? - Yes.
Good morning, ladies.
We do like to have girls of that caliber to help us out.
It does add a certain Well, would you care to partake of lunch now? Surely it's not yet Goodness me, we don't worry about things like that here.
No fear.
This is a hotel, not a borstal.
Basil? Have you? It's not half past yet.
I was just saying to Mr.
Hutchinson, dear, this is a hotel, not a borstal.
Chef won't be ready, Basil.
- Leave it to me, dear, leave it to me.
- Did you ring Bill? No, dear, not necessary.
- What? - Explain later.
But I must look after Mr.
Hutchinson now.
A Spanish omelette.
And on the plate, please, none on the tablecloth.
Excuse me, you're not by any chance the Duke of Kent, are you? No, no, no, you've got the wrong person there.
Ah, Mr.
Hutchinson, you've ordered, have you? Yes, I'm going to have your Spanish omelette.
I assume that all the vegetables within the omelette are fresh? - Oh, yes, yes.
- Including the peas? Oh, yes, they're fresh, all right.
They're not frozen, are they? Well, they're frozen, yes.
Well, if they're frozen, they're not fresh, are they? Well, I assure you they were absolutely fresh when they were frozen.
Oh, dear.
There's a lot of this nowadays in hotels.
- A lot of what? - I'll just have a cheese salad, please.
What? I only eat fresh vegetables, you see.
I'll just have a cheese salad.
We could do the omelette without the peas.
No, no, no, I always feel that the peas are an integral part of the overall flavor.
Might I suggest that in future you avail yourself of sufficient quantities of the fresh article? Look, we've been serving yes, yes, good idea.
Now, something to drink? Yes, I'll have a ginger beer, please.
A ginger beer? And a glass of fresh water.
- Fresh? - Water, yes.
Hutchinson? A telephone call for you at reception.
Telephone? Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Clever, clever.
Good afternoon.
Is no sun, is no good for me.
I beg your pardon? I homesick, yes.
Is there anywhere you'd like me to sit? - Qué? - I'm in room 7.
Oh, yes, please, here.
You go up, up, on right.
Room 7.
- No, no.
- Yes, please, I show you.
No, look, I want a table.
- A table.
- For one.
Table one, oh, please, yes, yes.
Table one, so sorry.
Here, here, a table one.
Thank you.
So sorry, but I think you say for room, and I do it, for I am not one to know it easily.
- I'm sorry.
- No, is my fault.
Well, I'll try the pate and the lamb casserole.
You room 10.
No, room 7.
- Seven, sí.
- Yes.
No, no, no, this table one.
Is Wednesday.
Room 7 is table five.
No, please, here.
Please, so sorry.
Seven is what I think you say Como se dice en ingles The pate and the lamb.
Pate, lamba, pate, lamba, pate, lamba.
Escriba-le, escriba-le.
Sí, sí, pate, lamba, pate, lamba.
One ginger beer, and one glass of fresh water.
- What are you doing there? - Well, I You can't sit there, it's taken.
Come on.
Look, I've been moved once already.
You're in room 7, aren't you? But the waiter said table five.
Well, this isn't table five.
Would you come over here, please? This is table five here, come on.
Look, I did ask the waiter.
Well, he's hopeless, isn't he? You might as well ask the cat.
- Now, come on, settle down.
- I beg your pardon? Would you sit down, please? Thank you.
I hate to trespass further on your valuable time, but might I look at the wine list? Now? Yes, please.
Excuse me.
Here we are.
Happy now? Could I have an ashtray, please? Thank you, I'll have a bottle of the Aloxe-Corton '65.
- The what? - The Aloxe-Corton '65.
The Corton.
Of course, my pleasure.
Ah, there you are, Mr.
Hutchinson, nice to have you back again.
Not so close, please, not so close.
Oh, sorry, I hope everything was to your satisfaction? Your earpiece was very greasy, I've wiped it out for you.
Oh, thank you, thank you so much.
Dreadfully greasy it was, I don't know who's been using it.
Covered in Brylcream Oh, dear, oh, that's tepid! Oh, have you got an ice bucket, please? An ice bucket? This ginger beer is distinctly warm.
Polly, an ice bucket for Mr.
Hutchinson, please.
Thank you.
There we are, the Corton '65.
Ah, the bit's still in there.
Thank you so much.
May I congratulate you on your choice? Yes, excuse me? - Yes? - I'm afraid this is corked.
I just uncorked it.
Didn't you see me? What? - Look.
- No, no.
You see, I took it out of the bottle, that's how I managed to get the wine out of the bottle into your glass.
I don't mean that.
I mean the wine is corked.
The wine has reacted with the cork.
I'm sorry? The wine has reacted with the cork and gone bad.
Gone bad? May I? You don't want it? - I'd like a bottle that isn't corked.
- That's cost me, hasn't it? Never mind, I'll get you another bottle.
I do hope you're all enjoying your meals.
I said, I hope you're all enjoying your meals.
Thank you, thank you, excuse me.
Excuse me, table five? Are you having the lamb or the mackerel? The lamb.
I'll have another one standing by just in case.
Let's give this one a go then, shall we? Um, Polly? Would you get Mr.
Hutchinson his main course, please? So sorry to keep you waiting, Mr.
It will be with you in just one moment.
Thank you.
Basil? Yes, dear? How are you getting on with your hotel inspector? Oh, fine.
He sells spoons.
Sorry? I listened in on his phone call.
He works for a cutlery firm, but he specializes in spoons.
- You listened in? - Yes.
You listened in on a private call of one of our guests? That's right, Basil.
Little rat.
I'll get him for that.
- Now, Basil - Trying it on with me.
Trying what on? Pretending he's a hotel inspector, "Do we hire television sets?" Fresh peas, ice buckets - Basil, it was your mistake.
- Now you let me handle this Basil! This whole inspector business was in your own imagination, it's nothing to do with him.
There is no excuse for rudeness.
Do you understand? Do you understand? - Yes! - Good.
- Papers arrive yet, Fawlty? - Not yet, Major.
Spoons, eh? I'm sorry? Sp-p-oons.
I beg your pardon? I understand you're in the spoon trade.
Oh, yes.
Fascinating, how absorbing for you.
So much more interesting than being a hotel inspector! What? Thank you no dear, Miss? Miss? - Yes? - I didn't order that.
Is there something we can get you, Mr.
Hutchinson? A tea cozy for your pepper pot, perhaps? I changed the order, you see.
What seems to be the trouble? I thought Mr.
Hutchinson ordered an omelette No, he went off it, so we changed the order.
It's perfectly simple.
Well, I'm sorry, but I wasn't told.
I told chef, so he should have told you.
- Well, he didn't.
- Is that my fault? No, is it mine? - No, it's his.
- What? - It's the chef's fault.
- I beg your pardon? Clearly in a case like this, where the order's been changed, the chef's been informed, it's his responsibility - You want to run the place? - What? You want to come and run the hotel? Mr.
Hutchinson's taking over, Polly, so I'll have the omelette.
With his "natural charm and wide experience" he'll have no problems.
Can't sit around all day, there's lots to be done.
No, no! What is going on, Basil? - Hello, dear.
- Well? Is that better, Mr.
Hutchinson? - What? - Is that better? Good, good, well, that's all sorted out then.
Is there something wrong? Yes, I have been given an erroneous dish.
Thank you, Basil, I'll deal with this.
Thank you, Polly.
Now, Mr.
Hutchinson I did order the omelette in the first place, but then I changed my mind.
I see.
I'll just go in the kitchen and find out what's happened.
Thank you.
- Manuel? - Sí.
The bottle.
- Yes.
- Where is it? - Qué? - Donde es Oh, I take it.
I take it.
I take it.
Come here.
You're a waste of space.
Oh-hh! - There we are.
- No, no, just a moment.
I did not order that.
- You didn't? - I did not.
I'm sorry, there's an order for paté for this table.
Dear me.
Things do seem to be going wrong today.
Sybil, taking care of things, are you? Yes, thank you, Basil.
Everything's all right, then? - It appears that I'm - We're sorting it out.
- You didn't order Paté Maison, did you? - No, I did not.
I ordered I'll leave you to deal with it.
How did you do that? What? - Where did you get it? - Where did I get it? That's right.
How did you get it? The waiter opened it for me.
The waiter opened it for you? - Yes.
- I've told you about him, haven't I? Ow! Oh, no, no, for goodness sake! What is it? What is it! I did not order a lamb casserole.
No, he didn't.
He did not order one, Polly.
So why has he got one? Mrs.
Fawlty told me to give him one.
I know how she feels.
I've got an order for one here.
Who took the order? - I don't know.
- Manuel! I mean, look.
How can it be How can it be so difficult to get a cheese salad? - You want to run the place? - No, no, I - Shut up, then.
- I beg your pardon? I'll get you a cheese salad, Mr.
Don't listen to anyone.
Just get a cheese salad.
Sí? Ow! Excuse me! I've changed my mind.
I do not want the cheese salad.
I wish to cancel it.
I am not used to being spoken to like that, and I have no wish to continue my luncheon.
I apologize if what I said seemed a trifle brusque.
Brusque? It was rude.
I said, rude! I'm deeply sorry if it came over like that.
Nothing could have been further from my mind.
You told me to shut up.
No, no.
He told me to shut up.
What? He said it to me.
I was looking at you, but I was talking to Polly.
Oh, yes.
Did you notice that I was looking at you but talking to her? You see, he was looking at you, but talking to me, wasn't he? - Wasn't I? - What? You weren't being rude, were you, Mr.
Fawlty? Absolutely not.
You see? - Me? - Yes.
If you say "Shut up" to somebody, - that's the one you want to shut up, isn't it? - Not necessarily.
- I'm sorry, were you talking to me? - Yes.
I beg your pardon? You see how easily these misunderstandings occur? Yes, I do.
So, one cheese salad please, Polly.
Certainly, Mr.
If there's anything else, don't hesitate to ask.
Thank you.
What are you doing? I'm so sorry.
He's from Barcelona.
I trust your paté was satisfactory? - Yes, thank you.
- Oh, good.
The chef buys it himself, you know.
Buys it? He insists on it.
I imagine the Corton complemented it delightfully.
- Yes, it's very good.
- Excellent.
- More like a '66, really.
- Is it? Well, lots of body.
Yes, quite right.
It's always a pleasure to meet someone who appreciates the boudoir of the grape.
I'm afraid most people we get here don't know a bordeaux from a claret.
A bordeaux is a claret.
A bordeaux is a claret, yes.
But they wouldn't know that.
You obviously drink a lot.
Wine, I mean.
I don't mean a lot a fair amount the right amount for a connoisseur.
That doesn't mean you're does it? Some people drink it by the crate, but that's not being a connoisseur.
That's just plain sloshed.
A bordeaux's one of the clarets, all right.
You are down here on business, are you? What? You're not in the wine trade, by any chance? - No, we're not.
- "We're"? I am down here on business with a couple of colleagues and we are not in the wine trade.
It's just that you're obviously so expert.
- No, I am not expert.
- Oh, but you are.
- No, I'm not.
- Oh, yes you are.
I am not an expert.
- Three of you? - What?! Three of you? Yes, there are three of us.
But the other two aren't here.
- They're staying at another hotel - Quite! It's all right, is it? I mean, things in general? The wine is really good? - Yes.
- And the paté was all right? - Yes, I said so.
- And the casserole? - I haven't tasted it yet.
- Mmm.
I have not been given the chance.
Oh, come on now.
This is quite absurd.
I'm sorry, I do not want the omelette.
- It's nice.
- I don't want the bloody thing.
- I've sent it back once.
- Give it to me.
I fail to see how this sort of thing could happen.
I've torn it up.
You'll never see it again.
All I wanted was a cheese salad.
Thank you, Polly.
One cheese salad.
There we are, sir.
I'm so glad everything is to your satisfaction.
No, it is not.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
You are supposed to be running a hotel.
My, that does look good.
I've had the omelette, a prawn cocktail with a silly name Look at that cheddar.
a plate of stew, then the omelette again.
- Can we keep it down a little? - All I wanted was a cheese salad.
It wasn't as though I'd ordered an elephant's ear on a bun! Thank you, sir.
The whole thing is ridiculous! For a man who's supposed to be running a hotel, your behaviour is totally Is there anything else that I can get for you? Look at that cheese.
Isn't that lovely? - I can't breathe! - It's all right, he's only choking.
Don't worry, a bit of cheese went the wrong way.
Never mind.
He's fainted.
Manuel! Poor chap.
A bit of cheese.
Yes, please.
What's happened? - He's fainted.
- Fainted? Got a bit of cheese stuck.
You do not faint from getting a bit of cheese stuck.
I was giving him a bit of a pat on the back and he sort of moved just as I was, uh What have you done, Basil? He moved just as I Oh, my God.
Call the doctor.
- Look, I can handle it.
- Call the doctor! - I can handle it! - Call the doctor! Obviously, I can't handle it! "I'm just a great sabertoothed tart, so we'll let my husband do it.
" So sorry to have left you.
I trust you enjoyed your meal? Yes, thank you.
I was wondering The casserole was really good, was it? Well, it was adequate.
Quite, yes, exactly.
I'm afraid our chef at lunch today is not our regular, I'm sorry about that poor chap choking himself like that.
I was wondering if you had a telephone I might use? Yes, please.
Don't know how he managed to do it Ah, there he is.
Hutchinson, there you are.
What a frightful shame about that bit of cheese getting stuck in the old windpipe like that.
Would you like to go in there and discuss it? No, I'd prefer to come in here and discuss it.
It's a little bit of a mess That lie down seems to have done you some good.
Sorry about this.
Ow! You all right? I'm not a violent man, Mr.
- Yes, you are! - No, I'm not! When I'm insulted and then attacked, I prefer to rely on my own mettle than call the police.
- Do you? - Yes, I do.
Now stand up like a man.
Come on! Bit of trouble with the old leg.
Come on! Yeah.
Look what I've found.
I hope I've made my point.
Oh, absolutely.
I've been looking for that.
I would just like to say this hotel is extremely inefficient and badly run, and you are a very rude and discourteous man.
Did I say something funny, Mr.
Fawlty? Sort of pithy, I suppose.
Well, here's the punch line.
Now, I'm going to fetch my belongings and I do not expect to receive a bill.
You've handled that, have you, Basil? Yes, dear, thank you.
Leave it to me.
Incidentally, I don't know if you realize, but he's a regular customer of ours He loves it here.
It's his second home.
We always have to have this little I don't know why, but he seems to like it.
Really? The only danger is that somebody is going to think that he isn't satisfied about something, or the fighting is real and tell somebody.
You won't mention it, will you? We'd love to offer you dinner here tonight as our guest, to show our gratitude.
What? Dinner tonight? Would you? No, I can't tonight.
Thank you.
Tomorrow night? I shall be leaving tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
All right.
£50, then.
- Beg your pardon? - £50 not to mention it.
£50 pounds? Well, £60 not to write about it Articles, books, letters.
I'm afraid I really don't Please! It's taken us 12 years to build this place up.
Don't put this in the book.
We're finished if you please don't.
- Book? What book? - The hotel guide.
Sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it.
What have I done? You've got me confused with someone else.
I've nothing to do with any hotel guide.
I'm down here for the exhibition.
I sell outboard motors.
What? Outboard motors? You're not an inspector? Not on the side? - No.
- Swear to God? I tell you, I have nothing to do with it.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
I don't know how I could ever th Thanks! Thanks! 26 bedrooms, 12 with private bathrooms.
Why don't you have dinner here, and Chris and I can try the Claremont? Okay, the owner's one Basil Fawlty.
Please, Señor, Mr.
Fawlty wants to say adios! No, no! Papers arrived yet, Fawlty? Not yet, Major.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
MmmmAnd what can I do for you three gentlemen?